Review of The Power of Habit

Posted on September 7, 2018 by admin

One of my favorite books is The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. In addition to being an engaging read, it’s one of the most useful books I’ve ever read. Here are a few of the bits I enjoyed the most. 

In short, we develop habits because they allow us to efficiently perform regular tasks without devoting too much brainpower to them. This allows us to save that brainpower for other, more important tasks that can’t be done automatically. Once a habit is ingrained, it sometimes becomes difficult to even notice it because it requires no conscious effort at that point. This is useful for mundane activities like tying shoes or walking, but it can be problematic if it prevents us from noticing bad habits we’ve developed. Fortunately, there is a way to deal with bad habits once they’re discovered. 

Early in the book, Duhigg describes the habit loop, which consists of a cue to perform a certain activity, a routine during which that activity is performed, and a reward for performing it. There is also a craving for the reward that follows the completion of an activity, which gets triggered after the cue. The craving and reward are what make habits so difficult to change. However, Duhigg has a strategy for changing habits: keep the same cue and reward, but change the routine. For example, if you want to stop smoking and you get the craving for a smoke break at work, think about why you want to smoke at that point. If you’re stressed and want to take a break, then try taking a short walk around the place instead. Or maybe you want to socialize with others who are also smoking. In that case, find someone who’s not smoking and talk to them for a bit. If you can find another routine that will give you the same reward you get from your current routine, then it becomes much easier to change the habit associated with that routine.

The incredible influence habits have over us brings up questions regarding free will. Duhigg presents two striking cases toward the end of the book that make you wonder how much control we have over our actions. While he avoids taking the position that we have no free will or total free will, Duhigg claims that we do have the power to change habits that we’re aware of, and thus have some degree of free will. 

The Power of Habit has helped me do more productive thing while avoiding counterproductive things, given me a better understanding of how we’re wired, and shown me how to use the tools it’s given me to improve my life. It’s full of life hacks that have been used by athletic coaches, business leaders, and activists to accomplish their goals. I highly recommend checking it out and seeing what it helps you accomplish. We use habits more often than we realize, so knowing how they work and how to change them is invaluable at getting what we want out of life.

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Six Simple Steps for Understanding Other Perspectives

Posted on September 6, 2018 by admin

I’ve read a lot about communication and I’ve synthesized what I’ve learned about seeing things from someone else’s perspective into this blog post. These techniques work well for me and several friends have said that they also find the techniques useful. Without further ado, here are the six steps:

  1. Enter a relaxed state by praying, meditating, deep breathing, or some other calming activity
  2. Think of a few major perspective changes you’ve had in your own life
  3. Find someone you personally like who has a very different perspective than you on some nontrivial issue
  4. Identify as many points of agreement/common ground as possible
  5. Assume that they, like you, have the best intentions and believe that their perspective offers the greatest chance of things working out well
  6. Listen to them enough that you understand where they’re coming from and then restate their points in your own words

These steps are based on lessons I’ve learned from reading a variety of books on psychology and communication, most notably How to Win Friends and Influence People and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Did they let you see someone else or their ideas in a better light or help you understand how they can think differently than you where you couldn’t see it before? Was there anything interesting you found about this experience? I hope these steps help facilitate more civil, useful conversations and reduce the amount of hostility in the world.

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Friends and Families

Posted on September 5, 2018 by admin

I’ve heard it said that we’re more likely to be abused by our family members than by strangers, and I’ve also heard many people say that some of their friends have treated them much better than some of their family members. I have some ideas as to why this happens. I think it primarily has to do with the differences in societal and cultural expectations for familial relationships and friendships. Those expectations are internalized by the majority of people, causing them to abide by them either because they want to or because they feel they have to.

When it comes to familial relationships, there’s a general expectation for people to stick it out no matter what, barring cases of extreme abuse. Those who cut off members of their immediate families are usually seen as the bad guys; sometimes they’re seen as even bigger bad guys than the people who drove them to sever those ties in the first place. Some people use this expectation to stick around as a license to do whatever they want to those around them, leaving the people they abuse to either attempt to work it out or suffer in silence.

Contrast this with friendships, where it is socially and culturally acceptable to walk away; abuse may not even be involved as some friends grow apart due to changing life situations, different interests, and other benign reasons. While there are plenty of examples of people who make their friends suffer, in some cases friends treat each other better than their family members because they know they have to be friendly if they want to have friends.

The way a relationship begins also greatly affects how it’ll play out over time. Most friendships spring forth from a common interest two people share who also have no prior history. Because there’s usually nothing positive or negative between them before the friendship starts, they can start off on the right foot as they voluntarily focus on whatever first drew them together. As they get to know each other (which takes a lot of time if they want to go beyond the surface level), conversations go from shallow to complex, gradually becoming less about their interests and more about themselves. This causes friends grow more interested in each other as well as more interesting to each other over time. Because of the generally pleasant way that most friendships begin and continue, there is a feeling of being able to let one’s guard down around friends. Friends can lightly tease each other (which they’ll recognize comes from a place of love rather than malice), talk about things they would never dare talk about with anyone else, and be open with each other about their deepest thoughts, fears, and dreams. 

With families, there is typically a lot of forced interaction, such as a kid being around their parents constantly during the first few years of life or siblings having to share a room. Whenever at least one person is emotionally immature (whether they’re a young kid who hasn’t had the time to develop emotional control or an adult who never learned it), there will almost always be a great deal of pain, which can easily lead to abuse. Whatever happens early in a familial relationship can color that relationship going forward, sometimes significantly. Further, many family members feel they know each other well enough through years of interaction; this can result in many conversations about superficial topics and few, if any, meaningful conversations about each other.

Those are my thoughts on friendships and families. My friendships and familial relationships have been all over the map, with some being wonderful, some terrible, and some largely forgettable, so this post is not meant to suggest that all relationships look like this. If you have some thoughts or experiences of your own that you’d like to add, I’d love to hear about them. Thank you for your time.

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Begin with the End in Mind

Posted on September 4, 2018 by admin

This is a thought experiment from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that highlights the importance of Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind. For me, this is one of the most powerful segments from the book and it always makes me rethink my priorities when I’m reminded of it.

“In your mind’s eye, see yourself going to the funeral of a loved one. Picture yourself driving to the funeral parlor or chapel, parking the car, and getting out. As you walk inside the building, you notice the flowers, the soft organ music. You see the faces of friends and family you pass along the way. You feel the shared sorrow of losing, the joy of having known, that radiates from the hearts of the people there.

As you walk down to the front of the room and look inside the casket, you suddenly come face to face with yourself. This is your funeral, three years from today. All these people have come to honor you, to express feelings of love and appreciation for your life. 

As you take a seat and wait for the services to begin, you look at the program in your hand. There are to be four speakers. The first is from your family, immediate and also extended  – children, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who have come from all over the country to attend. The second speakers is one of your friends, someone who can give a sense of who you were as a person. The third speaker is from your work or profession. And the fourth is from your church or some community organization where you’ve been involved in service.

Now think deeply. What would you like each of these speakers to say about you and your life? What kind of husband, wife, father, or mother would you like their words to reflect? What kind of son or daughter or cousin? What kind of friend? What kind of working associate?

What character would you like them to have seen in you? What contributions, what achievements would you want them to remember? Look carefully at the people around you. What difference would you like to have made in their lives?”

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Focus on the Important Things

Posted on September 3, 2018 by admin

A few years ago, I tried to keep track of as many current events and world affairs as possible. I sought out facts, opinions, and information about anything and everything that caught my attention. If an article floated across my newsfeed, I’d pull it up, read it, and then comment on it if I felt I had something useful to say about it. Almost every day I went out of my way to research as many current events as possible and share them with anyone who wanted to hear them (which turned out to be very few people).

After about a year, this became unsustainable. I drove myself crazy trying to stay on top of everything and figure out who to believe. For my own sanity I had to withdraw. I gravitated toward lighter subjects and things I believed would add value to the lives of others. I ended up scrolling past most of the current event posts I saw. When I did read an article or watch a video on weightier issues, I rarely commented on it and made an effort to think less about it than I used to. I also became a lot more laid back and less prone to arguing than I was before.

At this point, I’m somewhere in between those two extremes. I don’t go out of my way to follow current events, but I do check them out more than I did during the total withdrawal. That withdrawal did help me in at least one other way, though: whenever I sense that I’m being drawn into drama or some activity that adds no positive value to the world, I try to remind myself “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” That usually helps me keep my priorities straight.

I’m still trying to get better at focusing on the right things and ignoring the rest. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I only have a certain amount of time, energy, and attention that I can put toward any given activity; the more of those resources I waste on unimportant activities, the less I’ll have for the important ones. Occasional reminders and a lot of time seeing how much better it works when I focus on the right things have worked well for me, and I believe this will only get easier over time.

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Review of 12 Rules for Life

Posted on September 2, 2018 by admin

I enjoyed reading 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson. Those of you who have read my post on how much my life has been positively affected by hearing a piece of simple advice from Peterson probably aren’t surprised that I also found value in his book. While I find his political ideas interesting, I think his life advice is where he really shines, and his book contains a lot of good stuff.

It started out a little slow but picked up steam after the first few chapters. Some of Peterson’s critics say his advice is worthless or that he says a lot without saying much. I agree that he could be more focused and trim some fat out of his writing, but I disagree about the utility of his advice. Those who have their lives more or less together probably don’t need much help and probably won’t benefit from what Peterson has to say, while those who are struggling and do need some guidance will probably benefit if they put his recommendations into action. I’ve certainly benefited from doing that, and a lot of other people seem to be benefiting as well.

Unlike many other self-help books, which tend to have an optimistic message about everything working out, 12 Rules for Life contains a great deal of negativity and darkness. Peterson makes several mentions of Nazi concentration camps and Soviet gulags as reminders of the dark side of humanity. He also includes stories from people he’s personally known whose lives went downhill until they came to an end. By including examples of some of the worst things humans have done, he shows quite clearly what to avoid, and, with the recommendations for positive action in the book, he provides a starting point for what to work toward and how to do so. 

This ties in with his exercise (that I don’t think was mentioned in the book) in which you write out in detail your best possible life and your worst possible life; once you’ve done that, you can put together a plan to move toward your personal heaven and away from your personal hell. As suggested by the subtitle, “An Antidote to Chaos”, Peterson’s thinking is that by focusing on getting our own lives together (which is the area of the world in which we have the greatest degree of control), we can gradually build up our confidence and competence before turning that focus outward. In this way, we’ll be more likely to succeed in making the world better rather than failing to make an impact or making things worse. If enough people did that, the world would contain a lot less suffering and maybe some of the problems that currently appear unsolvable could be eliminated.

I’d recommend checking out the book, especially if any of this sounds interesting to you. If you’re not a fan of his or you’ve heard negative things about him, I completely understand. However, if you still want to check out the book even if he’s not your cup of tea, then I recommend a life hack I mentioned in another post: separate Peterson from his ideas and focus just on the ideas. Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut, and looking at someone’s ideas without attaching the ideas to that person makes it easier to see if they hold water. If you do check out the book, I’d love to know what you think about it and if it helps you. For me, this is a great book that I’ll probably refer to periodically as I make my way in the world. 

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My Dream Road Trip

Posted on September 1, 2018 by admin

For years now, I’ve wanted to get a camper van and take a road trip around the continental US. I love road trips and, as I found out on a big road trip I took last year, I have no problem driving 10+ hours a day. I’d love nothing more than to wander around the lower 48 states, taking in everything they have to offer.  Of course I’ll see the big stuff, the things tourists always visit, but I’ll also check out the hidden gems in each state. The out-of-the-way places and activities that only the locals know about; I think those will show me the heart of the city/state and give me wonderful lifelong memories.

There’s a lot of cool stuff to see and do in the US and a lot of ground to cover. Lots of states are bigger than whole countries, and every state except Alaska and Hawaii can be accessed by car without passing through any other countries. I don’t need a passport, translator, airplane, or anything else commonly used in international travel to explore most of my own backyard. Plus I know a lot more people in the US than any other country. I probably don’t know somebody in every state, but I think I know enough people around the country to have a safe place to stay and a friendly face to see for most of the trip.

Before embarking on this trip, I’ll make sure I have the financial freedom it’ll require. A trip like this doesn’t have to be insanely expensive, but I like to be prepared for more than I think I’ll need, and it probably won’t be cheap. Even more essential, though, than having enough money is having enough time. I’m working toward having more time freedom by looking into starting my own business and arranging it so that it requires minimal involvement from me (this may not be possible at first, but I see no reason that it couldn’t be done once it’s running steadily); this will get away from the 9 to 5 world, provide a second source of income while I still have a job, and, most importantly, let me set my own schedule so I can plan my work around my adventures. I’ve spent a lot of this year working toward having more time and financial freedom and I hope to be well on my way toward both by next year.

Because I’ll have no rigid schedule to follow and will probably take a few years to complete the trip, I’ll be able to camp out in a particular place until local friends have the time to visit and do cool things. Once I’ve explored a particular area, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that I went there and saw it firsthand instead of just reading about it. I’ve become a lot less materialistic over the past few years and I’d now much rather make a lot of memories than collect a lot of stuff, a mindset that will no doubt be essential on a trip like this. This will be the biggest adventure of my life, though it probably won’t be the only one like it. Until then, I’ll continue going on the occasional grand adventure and frequent microadventures while I plan and move closer to my dream trip. 

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Books

Posted on August 31, 2018 by admin

I’ve always loved books. As a kid, I’d frequently visit the library and get whatever books looked interesting to me; sometimes I’d already read them and other times they were new to me. This is why I’ve never understood people who say they don’t like to read and they only read when they have to for school or work. I’ve probably read more books outside of school than I did while I was in school, and I think it’s served me well.

Most of the books I’ve read have been fiction. Although I love watching good movies and TV shows (or at least I did before I quit watching TV about five years ago), there are few things I enjoy more than getting lost in a good work of fiction. Being transported to another world, forgetting about my troubles, and living life through the characters is a great way to pass the time. Sometimes the stories contain valuable life lessons and other times they’re just intended to be entertaining; either way, I love a good story. 

I have a lot of coworkers, friends, and family members who also love reading good works of fiction, but not as many also enjoy reading nonfiction. Admittedly, it wasn’t until the last few years that nonfiction became my primary reading interest; most of the books I read for fun until I graduated from high school were fiction. While I still enjoy quality fiction every now and then, most of the books I’ve read since I graduated from high school (which was a little over six years ago at the time of this writing) have been nonfiction. More specifically, they’ve mostly been books that offer an explanation for some phenomenon in life. I’ve read to some degree about psychology, history, economics, politics, spirituality, and physics. Psychology and spirituality are the subjects that have fascinated me the most and, in my opinion, gone the farthest in offering credible explanations for things about the world. I’ve also found them to be the most useful in my daily life, which I think is what I mostly look for in books at this point. 

Learning more about the world through reading has blown my mind and humbled me as it’s shown me how much I don’t know. It’s also helped me better navigate life, given me lots of interesting talking points to use in conversations, improved my interactions with others, and provided me with tons of material for this blog. No matter how many books I read, I’ll never read them all; no matter how much I learn, I’ll never know it all. Rather than being depressed by those facts, I’m instead excited by them. It challenges me to decide which books to read (as Carl Sagan talks about in this great clip) and ensures that I’ll always be surprised by finding a new piece of knowledge. There are many different ways to learn and many different sources of entertainment, but books will always be my favorite source of both. 

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Humanitarian Plan

Posted on August 30, 2018 by admin

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt called to help people get to a better position in life. I already do what I can, but the ideas I’d like to pursue are on a much larger scale than anything I’ve been able to do thus far. This post will describe the plan I have in mind at this point as best as I can, which I hope will help make it come to pass at some point in the next five years, even if it’s much simpler in the beginning and not the final form I have in mind. 

The way I see it, there are two parts of life that everybody should have in order: the physical and the spiritual. If they have the physical but not the spiritual, they’ll feel unfulfilled; if they have the spiritual but not the physical, they’ll feel fulfilled but won’t have long to live. Effectively helping people requires getting both where they should be, and most people will probably require more work to get the spiritual life in order since that seems to be the more neglected one. 

Since shelter is one of the basic requirements for survival, the first step will be to establish a large enough shelter to house the people who have nowhere else to go. Having a safe place to sleep each night and avoid bad weather, dangerous people, and toxic situations will provide a great deal of peace to everyone there and help them move forward.

While they live there, they’ll have access to whatever they need to get their lives together: food, showers, security, medical care, counseling/therapy, childcare services, transportation, exercise facilities, spiritual guidance, etc. Once their basic needs are met, the focus will shift from surviving to thriving. Everyone will get a savings account (into which money is deposited monthly) and a checking account for expenses they would eventually have to cover, job training, financial information and assistance, and other useful resources for getting their lives in order. Although there will be an effort to do as many of these things as possible at the shelter, things such as medical procedures and certain kinds of legal help may require transportation to other places; in either case, qualified professionals would be used for all of these tasks in order to get the best possible results. 

As everyone gets more stable and their capacity to support themselves increases, outside support will gradually be reduced until it’s no longer needed. For example, there will still be monthly deposits into everyone’s savings accounts even after they get good jobs or start their own businesses, but the deposits would gradually shrink in size. This way they won’t have the rug pulled out from underneath them but they also won’t continue receiving assistance when they’re fully independent. 

In addition to putting my own money into this project, I’m thinking of using crowdfunding, private donations, and help from existing organizations to get this going. I have no experience running anything like this, so I’ll take whatever help or suggestions I can get. There’s no rush, though, as it’ll probably be at least a few years before I’ll be able to start this. Also, please feel free to take any of these ideas and use them yourself. The more people working on humanitarian ventures, the better the world will be. 

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Put On Your Mask First

Posted on August 29, 2018 by admin

Anyone who’s flown on a commercial airplane in the past few decades knows that if there’s an emergency and the masks drop down, they tell you to put on your mask first before trying help the person next to you put on theirs. I understood this in the context of flying but not in the context of my life. I spent years trying to think of how to solve some of the major problems in the world. Much of that time involved arguing with other people about ways that might or might not work, and, as you might have guessed, that arguing did nothing to make a positive difference. If anything, it set progress back because it sucked up time and energy that could have been spent doing productive things.

Once I realized that I can’t save even one other person if I’m barely keeping my head above water, my priorities completely changed. I had everything backwards: I was counting on the idea that changing the world would make my life better when I should have been getting my life together before trying to change the world. Soon, it became clear to me that I wouldn’t be able to change the world in any meaningful, lasting way as long as I continued treading water. If I wanted to make any lasting, positive difference, I’d have to get to a stable place in my own life first.

I  spent more time working on myself and focusing on the areas of my life that needed fixing. Some might consider this selfish, but I had to do it if I wanted to be able to truly help other people; you can’t pour from an empty cup, and my cup had been empty for a long time. Taking time to rest, recharge, and rethink a lot of things in my life allowed me to reach out to others in ways I never could have before. By leaving a job I despised and getting one that I enjoyed much more and which also paid me better, I was able to give more money to people who needed help. I could give much better advice when someone wanted it because I had spent a lot of time figuring out solutions to my own problems, which improved my understanding of what works and what doesn’t. Gradually ridding myself of toxicity, whether it came from within myself or from those around me, allowed me to be more positive and compassionate toward others.

I’ve always felt called to help people, but I had to learn that I have to help myself first. Since I realized this, I’ve set aside time every day to breathe, meditate, pray, learn, and do some activity that’s purely about leisure. And, as I said in the previous paragraph, that’s been a huge benefit to both me and the people I’ve been able to help because of it. I don’t get burnt out anymore, I have much more patience, I have a greater ability to share what I have with those who can benefit from it, and I have a clearer picture than ever before of what the fulfillment of my life purpose may look like. Whether you’re pouring yourself out for your job, business, charitable cause, family, friends, or passions, please remember to save some time for yourself. You’ll be glad you did. 

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