Review of How to Win Friends and Influence People

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is an amazing book. I’ve adored it ever since first read it after getting it for Christmas in 2016. Carnegie first published this book in 1936 and it has absolutely stood the test of time.

The book was published decades before subjects like communication and persuasion were nailed down by science, yet Carnegie still got a lot of things right. He says a great deal about talking to people about things they enjoy, truly listening when someone else is talking, using their name whenever possible, and pointing out areas of agreement before moving to areas of disagreement. These techniques are used all the time by master communicators and they work wonders for helping shy people open up.

I’ve read the book four times now (taking Carnegie’s advice to read each chapter twice) and it has taught me a lot of useful information about communication and interaction with other people. As a natural introvert, I’ve struggled with interacting with others for most of my life. Carnegie’s advice has dramatically increased my confidence, reduced my awkwardness, and helped me truly connect with other people in meaningful conversations.

This was the first self-help book I ever read and it’s a great one to start out with. I highly recommend checking it out. Even if it’s the only one you read, you’ll be much better off for having read it. If you’re more reserved like I can still be at times, it’ll give you a lot of useful tools for conversations, meeting new people, and handling difficult people. If you’re more outgoing, it’ll give you some great things to think about and may still offer you some new perspectives. Either way, How to Win Friends and Influence People is a classic book that has improved the lives of countless people and is well worth a read.

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How to Stop “Fuming and Fretting” from The Power of Positive Thinking

The following is an excerpt from The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale that offers advice to stop “fuming and fretting” calm the mind, and achieve inner peace. I find his advice to be very useful and I hope you do as well:

  1. Sit relaxed in a chair. Completely yield yourself to the chair. Starting with the toes and proceeding to the top of your head, conceive of every portion of the body as relaxing. Affirm relaxation by saying, “My toes are relaxed – my fingers – my facial muscles.”
  2. Think of your mind as the surface of a lake in a storm, tossed by waves and in tumult. But now the waves subside, and the surface of the lake is placid and unruffled.
  3. Spend two or three minutes thinking of the most beautiful and peaceful scenes you have ever beheld, as, for example, a mountain at sunset, or a deep valley filled with the hush of early morning, or a woods at noonday, or moonlight upon rippling waters. In memory relive these scenes. 
  4. Repeat slowly, quietly, bringing out the melody in each, a series of words which express quietness and peace, as, for example, (a) tranquility (say it very deliberately and in a tranquil manner); (b) serenity; (c) quietness. Think of other such words and repeat them.
  5. Make a mental list of times in your life when you have been conscious of God’s watchful care and recall how, when you were worried and anxious, He brought things out right and took care of you. Then recite aloud this line from an old hymn, “So long Thy power hath kept me, sure it STILL will lead me on.”
  6. Repeat the following, which has an amazing power to relax and quiet the mind: “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee” (Isaiah 26:3). Repeat this several times during the day, whenever you have a fraction of a moment. Repeat it aloud if possible, so that by the end of the day you will have said it many times. Conceive of these words as active, vital substances permeating your mind, sending into every area of your thinking a healing balm. This is the best-known medicine for taking tension from the mind. 
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Take a Page from Batman

Batman is known for his amazing preparation skills. He researches his enemies (as well as his allies) to find their weaknesses and figure out how to defeat them should the need arise. There seems to be almost no situation for which he can’t properly prepare as long as he has enough prep time. While Batman stands head and shoulders above me when it comes to preparation, I have gotten pretty good at it over time and I’d like to pass on what I do.

My general thinking about preparation stems from something I’ve heard numerous times, which is that it’s better to have something and not need it than need it and not have it. I can think of many situations in which I have been under-prepared but I can’t think of any situation in which I have been over-prepared, at least to the point of it becoming a problem. I’ve gotten better at preparation over time and now I typically have everything I need and most everything I want wherever I go.

Whenever I prepare for a trip where I’ll be gone for at least a few days, I mentally walk through my daily routines and think about what I need to carry them out. I visualize myself doing everyday activities (brushing my teeth, showering, changing my clothes, etc) and make a note of what I’m using for each of those activities so I make sure to bring them with me. Additionally, I keep a generic packing list on my flash drive. The list works for the majority of my trips and I can easily edit it for specific trips if necessary. This way I avoid having to remember everything I want to pack every time. For day trips or trips to my usual places around town such as work and swing dancing, I do essentially the same thing, except for extensive packing and making use of a packing list. 

Whether I’m preparing for a long trip or a short trip, I also typically think about things that would be nice to have, either because they’re useful or because they’re fun. It’s nice to be prepared for sudden changes in the weather, spontaneous trips to the beach when I don’t have time to go home first, and opportunities to surprise and delight my friends by having things that they didn’t expect (although some of them have come to expect this from me). 

Preparation involves more than just what I take with me. A big part of preparing for trips is making sure the transportation and lodging are in order. As I write this, I just finished airing up my tires for a big road trip and before the night is over, I’ll top off my gas tank; doing these things tonight means I can leave earlier tomorrow and get off to a smooth start. Additionally, I’ll be staying with friends in a couple of different places during this upcoming trip, both of which were arranged well in advance. I enjoy surprises but not when it involves vehicle problems or trying to find a place to stay last-minute. By thinking ahead and starting to prepare early, I can minimize my chances of running into problems and maximize my chances of having a smooth, enjoyable trip. Maybe someday I’ll be on Batman’s level when it comes to preparation, but where I’m at now works pretty well for me. 

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Rescripting

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey talks about a concept he calls “rescripting”. The following paragraph from the book offers a brief explanation of what he means by that. 

“Through imagination, we can visualize the uncreated worlds of potential that lie within us. Through conscience, we can come in contact with universal laws or principles with our own singular talents and avenues of contribution, and with the personal guidelines within which we can most effectively develop them. Combined with self-awareness, these two endowments empower us to write our own script.” 

This is one of the most memorable parts of the book to me for several reasons. The first has to do with serendipity. I had read a number of books before this one that suggested the existence of natural laws without using those specific words. This is a bit different than what many people mean by “natural laws”; most people I’ve seen use that term are referring to the idea of an objective morality. The idea I had of natural laws was closer to the laws of physics. If I am familiar with the laws of physics, I know the limits to what is possible and I also have useful knowledge on how to best act within those limits. Similarly, by following natural laws, I can live in harmony with myself and with those around me, while failing to follow the laws creates strife and conflict.

I didn’t know much about The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People when I started reading it and I definitely wasn’t expecting Covey to identify natural laws by name (he refers to them as “universal” in the above passage and “natural” elsewhere in the book) exactly as I had thought about them, even down to comparing them to the laws of physics. Whenever I experience serendipity, I make sure to pay attention to whatever lesson follows from it as there is always something to be learned from these experiences. The serendipitous passages from the book grabbed my attention and prepared me to receive Covey’s lessons.

The other reason passages like that stand out so much to me is because they discuss self-improvement. There’s been a conflict in my mind for most of my life between the way I act and the person I want to be, with the two being at odds most of the time. The time I’ve spent during the past few years researching and practicing self-improvement techniques has greatly helped me act more like the person I want to be and reduced the conflict within myself. Covey’s points about imagining the potential within myself, studying natural laws and principles so I can be more effective, and having the self-awareness to reflect on and change my behavior have been some of the most useful self-improvement techniques I’ve come across. 

Rescripting myself is something I’ve been working on for a few years now. I’m still working on becoming the person I want to be but every day I’m getting a little closer. Learning from people who came before me and discovered lots of useful life hacks has helped me a lot with self-improvement, and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People contain some of the most useful life hacks I’ve found thus far. I love passing on information that’s helped me; if this is helpful to you, please let me know.

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Stuck

Do you ever feel stuck? Like you know where you want to go and what you want to do when you get there, but try as you might, you keep spinning your wheels and staying put? There may be a visible obstacle in your way that you just can’t seem to overcome, or maybe the path appears clear and you could almost reach out and touch your goal, but it’s just out of reach and you remain stuck.

To avoid sinking into depression, you might count your blessings and remind yourself that it could be worse. That works for a while, but then nothing changes and it gradually becomes more difficult to find the silver lining. It becomes harder to convince yourself that things will start looking up and someday you’ll no longer be stuck. This is when despair becomes almost impossible to avoid. 

At some point, whatever was holding you back vanishes and you can finally move forward. Maybe you were holding yourself back without realizing it, maybe you still had something to learn before you could move on, maybe you looked at what other people did to move forward in life, or maybe someone who was working against you gave up. Whatever the reason, now you’re free. Now you can race forward at full speed, bound only by the limitations you set for yourself. Now you have the power to make your life into whatever you want it to be. Now you’re no longer stuck.

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Review of The Power of Now

Mindfulness is a subject I rarely ever heard anything about until last year. Before then, I never paid much attention to the constant stream of thoughts running through my head. Sometimes I would notice it if I got stuck thinking negative thoughts, but I was so used to it that it just seemed like background noise to me. That all changed when I found out about The Power of Now.

In the book, Eckhart Tolle talks about the usefulness of the mind for its intended purpose (survival and problem solving) as well as how most people become stuck in their minds, unable to stop thinking. He offers a lot of useful tips for quieting the mind and entering a state of consciousness in which thoughts are absent. It took a long time and a lot of practice, but eventually I was able to enter this state of presence and remain there for extended periods of time. Whenever I do this, I experience a deep sense of peace and stillness that makes whatever I’m doing easier to manage, whether it’s an unpleasant task at a work, traffic, an emotional person, or some other activity likely to cause stress.

I first got the audiobook version last year and I’ve probably listened to it at least a dozen times since then. This year I got the print version to compare the two (they are verbatim, at least for most of the book) and also loan out to interested friends. The Power of Now has been one of the most profound as well as useful books I’ve read, and I think the world would become a much more peaceful place if its message catches on. I hope it does. 

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Tribute to Walt Disney

Walt Disney circa early 1960s
Walt Disney in his later years

There are a handful of people who have inspired me more than anyone else. Walt Disney is close to the top of my list, and this post will explain why.

Disney was born into a poor family in Missouri and started drawing at a young age. After apprenticing for one art studio and working for another, he and his friend Ub Iwerks started their own company. A few years later, he moved to California and started Disney Brothers Studios with his brother, Roy (who later changed the company name to Walt Disney Studios). While partnering with Universal Studios, Disney had a falling-out with the company in which he lost his animators and most popular animated character. Rather than giving up, he persevered and ended up creating his most famous character, Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse cartoons helped Disney get back on his feet and gradually move on to larger projects; one of these projects was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, which was Disney’s first animated film and the first feature-length animated film ever made.

While he didn’t create the first amusement park, Disney was inspired to make his own after taking his daughters to several that were of poor quality and didn’t offer much for families to do together. He couldn’t get approval from his company for such a large and expensive venture, so he started another one and agreed to make a few television shows for ABC in exchange for help financing the park. Despite starting off with enormous technical and mechanic problems that took months to fix, Disneyland eventually became a popular vacation spot for millions of families every year. 

Always dreaming bigger, Disney planned to create a place in Florida called EPCOT. While there is a theme park with the same name, his original vision was quite different than the current park. EPCOT would have contained a theme park similar to Disneyland, but that would only be one small part of the project. Disney envisioned an entire planned community where people would live, work, shop, and play. Although he began acquiring the enormous amount of land he needed for such a massive undertaking, years of heavy smoking finally caught up to him and resulted in his death from lung cancer in 1966. Since Disney World didn’t open until 1971 (not to mention the many additions that were added in the following decades), Disney never got to see his greatest dream come to life. 

Who would have thought that a man with humble origins would be the driving force behind a successful cartoon studio, movie company, assortment of theme parks and resorts, and numerous innovations in these fields (some of which include audio animatronics and the multiplane camera)? Yet Disney accomplished all that and more in his life. He wasn’t afraid to dream bigger than what was possible at any given moment, and he never gave up on his dreams, choosing instead to aim ever higher as he went on. If he wanted to do something nobody had ever done before, he did his best to find a way to do it, and he always tried to improve things he was already doing. In good times and bad times alike, Disney kept moving forward and changed the world in the process. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately as I’m in the process of pursuing some big dreams of my own, and seeing how much he accomplished is invaluable. He showed that dreams can come true if you keep pursuing them, and that’s why Walt Disney is one of the people I most admire and from whom I draw the most inspiration. 

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Life Hacks for Managing Negative Thoughts and Emotions

Almost everyone deals with negative thoughts and emotions. I still do at times, but not nearly as frequently as I used to do. I’ve learned a lot of life hacks from books like The Power of Now, The Power of Positive Thinking, and How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big, as well as videos from Charisma on Command, that help me prevent or effectively manage negative thoughts and emotions. Here are some that I use on a daily basis. 

  1. Do an eye scramble: this involves rolling your eyes around while you hum a short song. I don’t know why this works, but it helps me stop negative thoughts in their tracks and prevents me from being overtaken by them. Sometimes one is enough but other times I’ll have to do three to help center myself.
  2. Focus on your breath: when you strongly experience an emotion, your breath tends to become shallow and quick. If you catch yourself breathing this way, you can slow down your breath to help settle whatever emotion you’re feeling. This will give you better control over the thought and let you decide if it’s worth your time. 
  3. Counter the negative with a positive: it can either be a general positive thought if you’re feeling negative but don’t know why or a specific positive though chosen because it’s the opposite of a specific negative thought. For example, if you’re beating yourself up over something you once did, you might try thinking “I am going to forgive myself and use the lesson I learned from making that mistake to avoid making it again.” 
  4. Observe your surroundings: if you’re feeling negative and there’s no clear cause of those feelings, then say out loud to yourself that you are safe and not in physical danger. The fight-or-flight response is unnecessary in the absence of danger, so this may help reduce the negative feelings if they stem from safety concerns in your current situation.
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Review of The Righteous Mind

In The Righteous Mind, Jonathan Haidt offers an explanation for divisions over religion and politics. I got this book after a friend recommended it, not knowing how useful it would be in my quest to learn more about why we think the way we do and how much it would change my thinking on a variety of subjects. Some of it was a little technical for me as I am still quite new to reading about psychology, but I got through most of it well enough. I’ll probably have to read it at least a few more times to really grasp some of the finer points of Haidt’s message. In the next few paragraphs, I’ll do my best to sum up his main in my own words.

Our genes influence the development of our brains. As a result of this developmental process (over which we have no control), some people are more open to new things and less concerned with tradition, while other people are more skeptical of new things and value tradition more. The former are more likely to become liberals and the latter are more likely to become conservatives. If either seeks out like-minded people or spends much of their lives in environments which are similar to their preferences, this effect is strengthened. Additionally, our views are determined by our emotions/passions and then reason comes in afterward to justify those views. Haidt rejects the idea that we can use cold, hard reasoning to derive our views and instead proposes that reason exists to serve the passions. He compares the passions and reason to an elephant and someone riding on the elephant; the elephant moves in a certain direction and the rider then tries to defend the elephant’s movement while having no control over which way the elephant goes. This is why appealing to reason fails to change anyone’s mind while appealing to the passions offers a chance succeeding.

Haidt also describes six moral foundations we use as humans, which, like our views, are determined by our biology and our emotions: care, fairness/proportionality, loyalty/ingroup, authority/respect, sanctity/purity, and liberty. The foundations we value most and the extent to which we value them are heavily influenced by our culture; simply looking at people who identify with certain groups reveals the foundations that they most value. Generally speaking, libertarians mostly focus on liberty, liberals mostly focus on care and fairness, and conservatives tend to keep all of them in mind. Haidt argues that societies that focus on many foundations are more stable than societies that focus on only a few.

We have the capacity to “turn off” our individualism and temporarily become part of a larger whole, or superorganism. Examples of this include people in the military and sports fans cheering for their favorite team. The reason that we can do this is because people in the past who developed this ability tended to perform better than people that couldn’t. This, as well as the powerful influences of our biology, our upbringing, and our culture individual, makes it difficult for individuals to change their values to be markedly different from the values of those around them.

To sum up Haidt’s thesis, disagreements about religion and politics originate from differences in biology, upbringing, and culture. Once I read The Righteous Mind, it became a lot easier to see people who disagree with me on politics or religion in a positive light. The book helped me realize that most people I’ve met (and probably ever will meet) want the best for everyone and the real disagreements are over how to bring about that goal rather than if that should be the goal or not. It’s hard to see someone in a bad light when you know they want things to go well and why they see their ideas as the best way to make that happen. I think this book has the power to bring a great deal of civility and understanding to difficult conversations, and I’d love to see that happen.

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Seize the Day

For me, he hardest part of most tasks is getting started. Once I have the ball rolling, I find I can do most of my routine tasks without issue. A life hack I use to get started on something is to remind myself to focus on a little bit at a time instead of thinking about everything at once. When I finish one task, I might take a quick break or move right onto the next task; either way, I avoid feeling like I’m buried underneath a mountain of work that can never be finished. 

There are some tasks that I don’t always have to finish the same day I start them. With these tasks, I find it works better for me if I start them early and work on it bit by bit over several days (or longer depending on the size of the task) until they’re finished. This way I don’t overwhelm myself trying to get them all done at once and I see them come closer to completion each day, so I don’t get stressed about finishing them. That is how I write a lot of blog posts, including this one. 

Some days I can’t do much. Maybe I only have time to do a bit of research about a given task, write out a plan for getting it done, talk to someone who can help me with it, or simply make sure I understand what it involves. These may seem like small steps but they add up quickly and they keep me focused on consistently doing something to get me closer to my goal, in addition to keeping me from stressing out due to inactivity. 

While there are countless people who are more productive than I am, seizing the day and taking advantage of the time I have (even if it’s just a few minutes) has greatly increased my productivity. I do a lot more useful things now than I did before I made this commitment. I focus on useful/productive activities, so I avoid doing things just for the sake of being busy and I make sure to take breaks to avoid burning myself out. This has all been a gradual process in which I added one or two productive activities at a time and got used to steadily increasing my workload, which made it a lot easier and more successful than past attempts where I tried changing my routines immediately. I hope this helps you as much as it has helped me. 

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