Showing Concern Without Going Overboard

Posted on January 20, 2019 by admin

As I’ve progressed in my self-improvement work, I’ve gradually revealed more of my personality to the people I meet, even if we only briefly cross paths. My shyness has drastically decreased as my confidence has steadily risen. Whenever I get exceptionally close to a friend, I typically remove the vast majority of my filters and show as much of who I am as possible, including showing my caring side to someone is going through a rough time. This is especially true with the people I consider to be my best friends. While this has generally gone over well, it can sometimes backfire and result in a lot of discomfort between me and someone else.

Most of the trouble I’ve had with this has either come from trying to show a great deal of concern before getting to know someone well enough or being too persistent with it even with someone I’ve known well for a good while. Several people I know have distanced themselves, mostly temporarily but permanently in a few cases, as a result of my going overboard. Fortunately, the permanent separations weren’t close friends, so there was little to no pain on my part from them. Still, they taught me an important lesson about knowing how to care for people and adjust the many elements that come with that process to match each person since what works for one person might not work for another.

Reading The 5 Love Languages has helped me a lot with this. If I know how someone prefers to receive love, then I can show them love and support in that way even if it differs from the way I prefer to receive it, which makes them more likely to appreciate and accept it. Also, knowing how much love to show is also important. When a customer at my job revealed a tragedy in his life, I gave him my sympathies and left it at that, which he seemed to appreciate. I’ve found that going above and beyond, especially with strangers, can do more harm than good. This can sometimes even be the case with friends, so I generally try to keep it short and to the point, stopping once I’ve let them know I care about them unless they signal that they want me to continue. I recently did this with a friend who experienced an unfortunate event and I think keeping it simple was just what that situation needed. I plan to continue helping people where I can, but I’m also going to keep working on doing it as effectively as possible. And I think I’m on the right track.

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Guided Meditation and Releasing Negative Energy

Posted on January 19, 2019 by admin

I have a hard time letting things go and tend to carry around thoughts and feelings long after the events that caused them. Although I’ve gotten better at letting go over time, I still have problems with it now and then. Something that’s helped me a lot with this is a guided healing meditation that a friend sent me.

The meditation starts off with deep breathing to put me into a relaxed state. After a few minutes of that, it instructs me to call in Archangel Michael and imagine what he looks like. The remainder of the meditation is then spent thinking about uncomfortable situations, guilt or regret over past actions, ill will toward others, negative energy, etc, and releasing them to the angels. This is a deeply relaxing thing to do and always leaves me feeling much lighter and freer after I’ve finished it. Since I usually do it on Wednesday nights right before bed, I think it also helps me sleep better on those nights as well.

Every time I’ve done that meditation, I’ve felt much better both on Wednesdays as well as for the next few days. I didn’t realize how much negative energy I was carrying until I started doing this. That negative energy affected my friendships, my job performance, and my overall quality of life. Releasing a bit of it each day via my normal self-improvement work and a lot of it each Wednesday through this healing meditation has done wonders for me. I think that’s what made the past few days so amazing for me. Despite having a headache for one of them, I felt much more comfortable during both days when I was interacting with other people than usual: I spoke easily and fluidly, didn’t feel shy or nervous around anyone, and, for the most part, didn’t let anything get to me. I can’t think of any other recent event in my life that could have taken away my anxiety and smoothed out my interactions with others, so I think this is what did it. If you’ve never tried a guided meditation, I’d highly recommend it. And if you do, I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.

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The Power of Listening

Posted on January 18, 2019 by admin

I try to solve problems wherever possible. Much of the progress I’ve made at self-improvement and other skills has come from figuring out my weak points and then fixing them. Further, when I talk to someone about a difficult time I’m having, I often ask for advice on getting out of the situation or holding on until it’s over. This problem-solving mindset is why I tend to offer potential solutions for issues other people mention to me. However, this doesn’t always go over well.

I’ve had to learn when to be a problem-solver and when to be a listener. Stephen Covey and Dale Carnegie talk a lot about the importance of listening in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and How to Win Friends and Influence People, respectively. Both books have helped me become a better listener and tune into what the other person needs. Sometimes a person in a weird situation just needs someone to hear their ideas so they can make a decision or solve a problem on their own. Other times listening might not help them solve their problem, but it will let them know I care and that I’m there for them. Focusing primarily on solving the problem, however, may make it seem like I care more about the problem than I care about the person, and that can create a lot of strife between us. So in some cases, the best thing to do is just listen to and hold space for the other person as they talk their way through their feelings or a solution to their problem.

It wasn’t until I noticed my own occasional tendency to seek out a listener that I realized how powerful it is to truly listen to someone without judgment or trying to figure everything out for them. Some of my greatest breakthroughs have come from just having someone listen as I ramble on and inadvertently say something insightful. Now that I’m aware of this, I try to keep that in mind when listening to others; sometimes I’ll even ask if they want me to give them advice or listen. Sometimes, after having listened to someone talk through their feelings on multiple occasions, they’ll ask me for advice without my ever offering it, which I take as a sign that they trust me, respect me, and value my input. I doubt I would get that request much, if at all, if I always focused on solving problems instead of caring for the other person. This is what I’ve discovered thus far from becoming a better listener and I’m excited to see what else I learn along the way.

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Comfort Zone

Posted on January 17, 2019 by admin

There’s a saying that “life happens outside your comfort zone”. Since I’ve spent a good bit of my life both in and out of my comfort zone at various times, I have to say I agree with that saying. I’ve steadily moved outside my comfort zone in a number of ways, most of which I think will be permanent rather than just temporary as they’ve often been in the past.

As with many changes I’ve made in the past few years, I’ve gradually taken steps out of my comfort zone and into uncharted territory (uncharted for me, at least). I’ve benefited a lot from making small changes and winning small victories that over time have resulted in big successes. The changes have been big enough that I can see a difference but small enough to allow me time to adjust without feeling overwhelmed; this has been critical to my success as I have quit many things in the past because I took on more than I could handle and got burnt out. Keeping the changes manageable has allowed me to gradually progress and level up in ways I previously never thought possible.

Although I think it’s important to step outside your comfort zone, I also think that the comfort zone has value and should be visited once in a while. Sometimes returning to something that’s familiar and soothing can be useful for resuming your regular routine after returning from big adventures, or perhaps just recovering from the stresses of daily life and sharpening the saw. Also, because there’s a great deal of familiarity in your comfort zone, you might find something in it that can be useful when learning something new. Personally, I have found returning to my comfort zone useful both for sharpening the saw and learning new things, so I make regular visits to it for those purposes.

I could fill a whole blog post with all the things I’ve done by stepping outside my comfort zone and how those things have benefited me. Many of them, such as taking a road trip halfway across the country a few years ago, taught me important lessons even if I didn’t appreciate the lessons or the way I learned them at the time. Others, like my trip to Classic City Swing 7 last year, were pure joy from beginning to end. From organizing several events to vastly improving my communication and socialization skills to many other things that I can’t even recall at the moment, my life is much different and much better now for stepping into the unknown and trying a lot of new things. The comfort zone is good for occasional visits, but don’t stay there too long or you’ll miss out on all the amazing things life has to offer.

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A Poem for Sawyer

Posted on January 16, 2019 by admin

It’s hard to remember a time without you

I got you when you were a puppy of two

Time has gone by and made you old

But you’re still enthusiastic and bold

You love to play and you love to nap

When you want some attention, you give me a tap

To sit at the window is a favorite task

Barking as people and critters walk past

You miss me so much whenever I roam

And greet me so warmly when I come home

You make the good times a bit more glad

And the hard times a little less sad

Although I have many things I must do

I still take the time to play with you

When I could be doing something else instead

I sit down with you and pet your head

Because it won’t always be that way

And I know I’ll say goodbye someday

You’re the best dog I could have asked for

And I’m grateful you’re there for me to adore

I love you and thank you for being my friend

I just hope I’ll be strong when it comes to an end

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“The Value of a Smile at Christmas”

Posted on January 15, 2019 by admin

In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie talks a lot about smiling, as well as the positive impacts it has both for the person doing it and the people seeing it. This short entry from the book is a good reminder of the power of a genuine smile, especially for those who are most in need of one.

It costs nothing, but creates much.

It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.

It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.

None are so rich they can get along without it, and none are so poor but are richer for its benefits.

It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends.

It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble.

Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.

And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours?

For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!

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Overcoming Writer’s Block

Posted on January 14, 2019 by admin

I frequently have difficulty coming up with new ideas for blog posts. Putting up a new post every day was easy for a while since I had lots of ideas clamoring to get out of my head, but now that I’ve made over 150 daily posts, it often takes me more time than it used to come up with a new subject. This was the case yesterday morning, but it was through that feeling of writer’s block that I came up with this post.

The most helpful trick I’ve found for getting through writer’s block is to stop trying so hard to come up with an idea. In most cases, the more I struggle and strain to think of something, the less likely I am to succeed. When I take some time away from it and do something else or simply relax, sooner or later a fresh idea pops into my head. This often happens in the shower, so I find it useful to keep a problem I’m working on in the back of my head when I go in there. Usually, either by the end of the shower or in the middle of it, I get inundated with ideas and potential solutions that seem to just work themselves out without any effort on my part. I don’t take extra showers simply for inspiration but I do make good use of my normal showers when I’m feeling stuck.

Something else that works for me is based on an idea I got from James Altucher’s book Choose Yourself. He recommends becoming an “idea machine” by writing down 10 new ideas a day. This will generate a lot of bad ideas, but Altucher says that that is part of the creative process. If you come up with enough ideas, you’re bound to get some good ones. While I don’t usually write my ideas down, I still find it helpful to think through a number of different possibilities without limiting myself to only coming up with ideas I think are good; at some point, this helps me get to an idea that I really like, and then I’m ready to write about it.

There are some posts I’ve enjoyed writing much more than others and certain subjects I prefer to write about whenever I can. However, I always try to produce quality posts. Sometimes people will tell me that they really enjoyed a particular post and found something good in it even if I didn’t think it was among my best work. On other occasions, a post I loved writing and thought would get a lot of feedback gets very little attention. I never know how anyone will react to any given post, and, since I’m just writing these in my spare time as a way to put my ideas into the world (both as reminders for myself of useful things I’ve found and as resources for others who may benefit from them), I don’t worry much about coming up with a stellar idea. I just write a post about whatever’s on my mind on any given day and do my best to make it worth reading. That’s worked for me so far and I plan to keep it up for as long as possible.

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“Jack of All Trades”

Posted on January 13, 2019 by admin

Image result for robert heinlein specialization is for insects

“Jack of all trades, master of none” is a fairly well-known quote. It’s intended to caution people against trying to learn a lot of different skills and instead focus on becoming great at one thing. However, while I think it has some value, I also think it can be more limiting than it should be, at least the way it’s normally discussed.

For one thing, most people I’ve seen mention the quote omit its second half. The full quote is “Jack of all trades, master of none, but oftentimes better than master of one”. There are cases, of course, in which being exceptional at a particular skill is crucial: surgery, architecture, piloting, etc. Outside of situations requiring a high degree of specialization in one skill (or a set of skills in some cases), however, it’s beneficial to be good at a variety of things instead of being great at just one thing. It’s probably best to learn at a steady pace instead of trying to learn everything at one time, though.

Scott Adams talks about this in How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big. He combines skills that work well together into what he calls a “talent stack”, which he believes helped him attain a great deal of success despite not being exceptionally talented at any one skill. After I read that book, I realized that I’d had a similar mentality for much of my life in certain areas (such as performing: combining humor, juggling, public speaking, and a few other related skills) and began to see value in adding more skills to my own talent stack. So far, I’ve benefited from being good at a variety of skills and I’m excited to see where it takes me in the future.

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Responses

Posted on January 12, 2019 by admin

Over the last few years, I’ve gotten much better at choosing my words carefully. Not just what I say but how and when I say it. This also includes knowing when something warrants a response and when it’s better left alone.

I used to respond to everything I could, even when it wasn’t directed at me. This lead to many long, unnecessary arguments that caused a lot of frustration (at least on my part) and wasted a ton of time. Even if I had a good point and did a good job articulating it, my responses rarely convinced anyone to change their mind or consider an alternative position. More often than not, all that needlessly responding did was put me in a bad mood for most of the day and make me think badly about the other people involved in the exchange. Eventually, I got to the point that I had to stop for my own sake.

There were some things that I completely stopped responding to for a good while. It was difficult at first to resist the urge to jump in, but it got easier over time. At this point, there are a few subjects that I almost never discuss anymore, several that I only engage in when I’m in the proper mental state to do so, and plenty that I freely talk about because I can easily choose to respond properly to them. While I still get the urge to respond to something I should ignore (and occasionally give into that urge), I’m much more capable of avoiding that now than I used to be. As a result, my conversations are much more fruitful as well as enjoyable, I’m a lot more productive with my time, and my mood has improved tremendously. This is one of many seemingly small changes that has made a huge positive difference in my life and I’m glad I chose it.

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Friends and Acquaintances

Posted on January 11, 2019 by admin

Most people have many acquaintances and a few friends. They may think they have more friends than they actually do until they stop and think about their relationships. Then they’ll probably realize that several people they thought of as friends are really just acquaintances. I figured this for myself last year and I’m glad I did. It helped me rethink a number of things and get to a better place mentally. Here are some things I noticed.

There’s a sense of closeness between friends that doesn’t exist between acquaintances. The distance between acquaintances and friends is far greater than the distance between strangers and acquaintances. You can share your day with acquaintances and do fun things with them. With friends, you can share your heart and go through every season in life together, good times and hard times alike. Acquaintances can still enjoy each other’s company and have a great time together, but nowhere near the extent to which friends can do so.

Further, friends will be much quicker to greet each other than acquaintances. Greetings between acquaintances can be friendly but they may also be awkward and contain a great deal of uncertainty. In contrast, when friends great each other, it usually looks like someone seeing their dog after a long day away; there’s no question that they’re happy to see each other and don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. Everything about the way they interact both during and after the greeting indicates interest in each other: body position, direction their feet are pointing, eye movement, tuning everything else out and focusing on the other person, etc. These are some signs that are useful in distinguishing friends from acquaintances.

Mistaking acquaintances for friends caused me a lot of grief. It took a long time for me to even consider this, but once I did, I quickly changed my perspective and felt much better afterward. I stopped chasing acquaintances and began to focus more on my friends. At this point, I still enjoy hanging out with several acquaintances of mine, but I no longer expect them to do for me that which can only be done by friends. Instead, I reserve my energy and big ideas for my friends, and I have a much better time as a result. This was a difficult lesson to learn (as many are) but it’s been incredibly helpful and I plan to continue practicing the things it’s taught me.

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