Exploring My Rules: Dream Big

Posted on January 28, 2019 by admin

We’ve reached the penultimate entry in the series exploring my rules. This post fits in nicely with the previous post about taking chances. Today’s post is about what I do before that: Dream big.

I’ve always dreamt and thought big, but that’s gone to another level since I read The Magic of Thinking Big last year. That book, along with several others I’ve read, talks about how most of the limits to what we can do are self-imposed. Once we’ve decided something is impossible, we can only see ways that trying it would end in failure. However, if we then truly consider that it’s possible to do that particular thing, our minds begin to work on finding ways to do it. Sometimes it takes a lot of consistent practice or work before that thing manifests, but nobody will put in the necessary work if they don’t truly think it will succeed.

There are many situations that I don’t know how to navigate at the outset. This could be when I have a lot of tasks to do at work, when I’m learning something new, or when I’m planning a trip to a place I’ve never been. What helps me in each of those situations is taking a moment to remind myself that I can accomplish whatever I’m trying to do and then simply getting started where I can. At work, that can look like starting with the easiest task or the most urgent one. With planning a trip, that often means starting by thinking about the end and working backwards in my mind, planning for each activity I have in mind and being prepared for possible problems that might arise along the way. Once I’ve been going for a bit, I get into a good flow and, before I know it, I’ve finished what looked like a difficult or even impossible task.

If I try something small and fail, I’ll have almost nothing to show for it. On the other hand, if I fail while trying something big, I’ll have learned a lot of useful things in the process and may even succeed at accomplishing something else instead, such as a smaller version of what I had in mind or a certain part of it. I’d much rather dream of doing something big and find out through experience that it won’t work than think it won’t work and never try it. Some of the best experiences in my life have come from dreaming big and believing things will work out against all odds and expectations from others. I normally don’t rub it in someone’s face when they’ve been wrong about my ability to do something and I don’t expect them to own up to it either. I’m more interested in doing things I find valuable than I am in showing people up, proving them wrong, or getting back at them. This approach has also inspired some people I know to dream big and pursue their dreams, which is exciting and encouraging to watch. That’s why I love writing about my ideas and experiences and sharing them with others. In closing, if you haven’t read The Magic of Thinking Big, I highly recommend you do. It’s helped me move to the next level and I’m sure it will do the same for you. Dream big, my friends.

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Exploring My Rules: Take Chances

Posted on January 27, 2019 by admin

Time to explore another one of my rules. This post is going to be a bit different than the others because, unlike many of my other rules, this is one that I’ve been practicing for as long as I can remember, and it’s made a huge difference in my life. That rule is a simple one with major implications: Take chances.

Although many people (including myself) tend to think of taking chances as shooting for the moon, it doesn’t always have to be that way. It could be something small like complimenting a stranger on their shirt, smile, pet, etc. I do this almost every time I go out. Usually the other person smiles and thanks me, but sometimes they say nothing or seem confused. I usually don’t have any inkling as to how they’ll react, but if I feel the urge to be nice, I’ll do it anyway and see what happens. I’m sure this is good practice for some of the big chances that I plan to take in my life, and, if nothing else, it makes me feel good in the present and usually makes the other person feel good as well.

If I don’t pursue something, I’m almost surely not going to get it. Sure, sometimes another person will give me what I want, but only if they already know I’m interested in it. And there are many things that I can’t get from anyone else. For example, I got a unicycle for Christmas last year, but the person who gave it to me can’t give me the skill I need to ride it. I have to take the time to develop that skill myself. As I’ve gone on in life, increasingly more of the things I want have been things that involve a great deal of work on my part; I’ve become more interested in skills and experiences than mere possessions.

Part of taking chances is knowing that I may not get what I want. Even when that happens, though, I usually end up getting something close to it, and sometimes I do get exactly what I want. In other cases, I end up getting something better than what I initially wanted and I’d have missed out on that if things had originally gone my way. Either way, I’ve had so many amazing experiences from simply saying “yes” even when I was scared or didn’t know what I was getting into. My experiences have taught me a lot of valuable lessons, and, although I didn’t enjoy some of them or even hated them at the time, I’m still grateful for the lessons I learned. I don’t always get what I want but at least I have the satisfaction of knowing I did my best to get it. If I always play it safe, I’ll never get to where I want to be in life and I’ll feel like I’ve wasted my time. The way I see it, it’s better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all. 

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Exploring My Rules: Look for Ways to Help

Posted on January 26, 2019 by admin
Image result for mister rogers look for the helpers

Today, I’m going to talk about another one of my rules. This is one of my personal favorites and one that I think could completely change the world: Look for ways to help.

No matter where I go, I can always do something to make someone a bit better off than they were before. I could spend years writing out all the different possible ways of helping people. Some of them include being a shoulder to cry on, giving somebody a jump start, volunteering for a good organization, donating money to someone in need, giving blood, or simply holding the door for the next person. I’ve been in plenty of situations that didn’t require going out of my way to help someone and several that did; in either case, I always felt better when I did my part.

Some situations require massive efforts, but there are plenty times that a small amount of action makes all the difference. I don’t have to wait until my humanitarian plan is ready to go in order to help people, and it’s better if I continue helping out where I can now. Staying in the habit of looking for ways to help while I’m of modest means will allow me to help out even more when I have the resources to fulfill my life purpose. If I’m not used to helping other people now, I won’t suddenly start doing it when I make it big; money just brings out and expands elements that are already present within a person, so it’s crucial to have my habits (especially regarding helping people) in order before I acquire a lot of money.

I never know what even a small gesture might mean to another person (unless they tell me later on) but I know how much I’ve appreciated the gestures that others have extended to me, so I’m always on the lookout for ways to pay it forward. I regularly see other people doing the same, which is encouraging. Sometimes they’ll willingly help out even if nobody else does, and other times they’ll step in only if someone else is already helping. I understand that everyone has commitments and is pressed for time, but it’s nice to see people stopping to help out when they can. I think that will only become more common over time and I’m always glad to see it and participate in it.

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Exploring My Rules: Be Honest

Posted on January 25, 2019 by admin

Time for the next entry in the series about my rules. This post will focus on one of my most important rules, both for interacting with other people and dealing with myself: Be honest.

I believe honesty is morally right and that intentionally deceiving other people is wrong. That’s the primary reason I do my best to always be honest and, even if I had no other reason to value the truth, I would still support it on grounds of principle. However, I also believe honesty is useful in everyday life. Honesty facilitates trust, which is essential in all relationships, whether they be familial, friendship, romantic, business, or anything else. Lying breaks that trust, sometimes irreparably, and drives people away. Telling the truth garners respect and strengthens trust, especially when it’s difficult or inconvenient to do so.

Further, there’s more to honesty than simply avoiding directly lying. Intentionally concealing important information when asked about a particular situation or phrasing things in such a way as to mislead someone are both examples of dishonesty. It can be embarrassing to admit that I don’t know something, but being straightforward about it generally earns respect from others and prevents a number of problems that would likely arise if I lied. That’s why I’d rather clumsily tell the truth than smoothly tell a lie. 

In addition to being honest with other people, I also do my best to be honest with myself. This includes following my rules to the best of my ability, avoiding hypocrisy by keeping my actions consistent with my thoughts and words, and doing things that I have told myself I will do. Also, and perhaps most importantly, I strive to be honest with myself about how I’m feeling. If I want to work through negative thoughts or emotions, I have to acknowledge that I have them before I can do anything about them. Occasionally I’ll get a negative vibe about a certain person or situation; ignoring that feeling has gotten me into trouble in the past, so now I pay attention whenever I feel that way. Even when it turns out to be nothing serious, being honest about how I’m feeling is still important.

The only times I think dishonesty may be justified are cases in which telling the truth will result in someone being tormented and lying gives them a chance to escape. For example, I consider those who hid persecuted people in their homes during WWII and then lied about it to SS officers to be heroes for saving lives even though they did it dishonestly. Outside of those situations, however, I see honesty as the only way to go. You may disagree with me about that or see it as contradictory to what I said above, and that’s perfectly fine, especially since it is contradictory. I’m just being honest about my thinking regarding telling the truth in life-or-death situations, and I hope I’m never in one of those situations. For all other areas of life, I think honesty is always the best policy. I hope that this has been useful in some way even if it’s simply interesting food for thought. I’d appreciate any feedback you have about this and I will see you in the next post.

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Exploring My Rules: Improve Every Day

Posted on January 24, 2019 by admin

For this third post about exploring my rules, I’m going to talk about the one that has been critical to my success, both with following these rules and with everything else in my life. Rule number three is simple and yields massive results: Improve every day.

I get better at whatever I regularly practice, even if it’s something I’d rather avoid (such as negative thinking, for example). For most of my life, I’ve practiced all sorts of things that have caused me trouble and given me a lot of bad habits. I’ve spent the last few years really working to change that and it’s been a slow, difficult process. However, I have seen progress since I started regularly practicing following my rules and focusing on positive things, so I know I’m on the right track. This progress has increased as I’ve gradually settled into routines and systems that have me working on self-improvement every day.

I don’t have to make monumental leaps in progress. As long as I stick with my system of doing the best I can on any given day at every activity on my list, I’ll see steady improvement and feel satisfied with my efforts. Sometimes I do see noticeable progress from one day to the next, other times it takes much longer, and in some cases I seem to take a few steps back before taking several giant steps forward. But as long as I stick with something long enough, I’ll eventually get good at it and I always see progress along the way.

Improving every day doesn’t require a huge amount of time. Even on my busiest days, I still have time for improving myself and getting better at my hobbies. Just spending a few minutes on those tasks is better than doing nothing because I don’t have as much time as I’d like.  I’ve found meditating, praying, and reading to be powerful tools for self-improvement, and I make sure to do them every day; when I don’t have time for much else, those still leave me better off than I’d be without them. Taking time to improve every day has brought me much closer to the place I want to be in life as well as the person I want to be, and I’ll only get closer to both of them as I continue. 

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Exploring My Rules: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Posted on January 23, 2019 by admin

This is the second post in which I explore my rules in greater detail. The focus of this post will be one of the habits from Stephen Covey’s classic book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

It’s so easy for me to make a case for one of my positions before I hear the other person’s side. Even when they go first, I have to make sure I’m actually listening to them instead of daydreaming or thinking about what I’m going to say. This brings up a related issue that Covey also talks about, which is listening with the intent to reply rather than the intent to understand. I often have to pause and remind myself of this, especially in conversations centered around sensitive subjects. When I do succeed in listening to what others have to say and making sure I understand it, I learn much more than when I try to force my ideas onto someone else.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve jumped to conclusions about the way someone else thinks and have subsequently spoken wrongly about them or their position. This caused me a lot of embarrassment and eventually made me more hesitant to make assumptions about other people. When I’m engaged in a conversation, especially about something controversial, I try to make sure I know where the other person is coming from before responding. That helps me avoid attacking a straw man and often makes me see the other person in a better light when I realize how much we have in common. Additionally, I’ve found that people are more willing to hear my take on something once I’ve heard theirs. This doesn’t mean trying to rush them through their opinions so we can get to mine as quickly as possible; it means taking the time to let them explain their thought process and making sure I can accurately say it back to them in my own words. While this is useful for persuasive purposes, most of the time I do it simply because I want to know how they think or because I want the conversation to go smoothly, or both.

Each of the habits in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People are rock solid and this one is no exception. Everyone wants to be heard and understood, so giving them time and space for both of those things is one of the greatest possible demonstrations of respect for them. So many conflicts based on misunderstandings could be avoided if more people took a page from the Book of James and listened before speaking. I’ve gotten a lot better at this over time and I’m still getting better as I continue to work on it. Since practicing this for a relatively short stretch of time has already significantly improved my life, I can’t wait to see how it looks after I’ve been doing it for many years.

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Exploring My Rules: The Golden Rule

Posted on January 22, 2019 by admin

I once made a post about the rules I do my best to live by. Lately, I’ve been thinking of different ways to apply them, some of which are not always readily apparent. So I decided to make a separate post about each rule and explore them individually. For this post, I’ll be focusing on the Golden Rule: “Do to others as you’d have them do to you.”

The Golden Rule has that name for a few good reasons. Firstly, although many people are familiar with it through the Bible, it also appears in several other religions. This suggests a deep universality and wisdom to the rule as it is not limited to just one worldview. Secondly, if everyone followed this rule, there’d be no more conflicts of any type and the world would be filled with peace. Even without going that far, if more people followed the Golden Rule than do now, there’d be much more peace and much less violence. Part of this is because following the rule requires thinking about other people and their feelings instead of solely focusing on oneself. This facilitates understanding which, in turn, opens the door to deeper and more meaningful interactions.

There are some cases in which it doesn’t work, such as self-defense scenarios, but it works perfectly far more often than not. Even if another rule proves to work better in a certain situation, the Golden Rule is still handy early on before the situation unfurls. This rule does so much good in so many different areas of life that, if I had to keep one of my rules and abandon the rest, this would be the one I’d keep. It also works well in conjunction with many other rules and often the combination of two or more of them is stronger than any one of them alone. For all these reasons (and probably many more that I haven’t even considered), the Golden Rule is incredibly powerful and offers much to anyone on either the giving or receiving end of it. I don’t always manage to follow it but when I do, it does me a world of good and paves the way for so much more, and that’s why it’s my first rule.

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Swing Ouch Clinic and Evening Dance

Posted on January 21, 2019 by admin

This past Saturday, Bold City Swing hosted its first workshop called the “Swing Ouch Clinic” in Jacksonville, Florida. Regional instructors Alex Morrison and Roxie Smith joined us at All About Ballroom and taught us a lot of great stuff. I was fortunate enough to attend and have a great time, so here are some of the highlights from that awesome day.

The workshop started a little after 11 am and ran until about 4 pm, with an hour break for lunch around 1 pm. Alex and Roxie covered a lot of swing dance fundamentals with the goal of improving our dancing and keeping everyone safe while doing some intense movements; additionally, they walked us through a number of exercises that gradually built up to a full swingout, hence the name of the workshop. Although the skill levels of the participants ranged from beginner to advanced, the workshop contained useful concepts for everyone to keep in mind and served as a great reminder for those who needed it (mostly me). For general swing dancing, I think it was the most helpful workshop I’ve attended and I feel like everything made more sense to me in this one than any other one.

An evening dance started a few hours after the workshop ended, running from 7 pm until 10 pm. Almost everyone who went to the workshop came back that night to dance, eat snacks, and have fun, and a few people came to the dance even though they didn’t go to the workshop. Alex and Roxie came back and were available to dance or help anyone who wanted to work on something from earlier in the day. After the dance ended, a few of us stuck around and reset everything until we were ready to leave for the night. I drove home feeling tired from all the dancing but also feeling great about how everything went. I’m looking forward to continue playing around with what I learned as well as attending the next Bold City Swing workshop. This one was a great start and a preview of many more wonderful things to come out of the Jacksonville swing dance scene.

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Showing Concern Without Going Overboard

Posted on January 20, 2019 by admin

As I’ve progressed in my self-improvement work, I’ve gradually revealed more of my personality to the people I meet, even if we only briefly cross paths. My shyness has drastically decreased as my confidence has steadily risen. Whenever I get exceptionally close to a friend, I typically remove the vast majority of my filters and show as much of who I am as possible, including showing my caring side to someone is going through a rough time. This is especially true with the people I consider to be my best friends. While this has generally gone over well, it can sometimes backfire and result in a lot of discomfort between me and someone else.

Most of the trouble I’ve had with this has either come from trying to show a great deal of concern before getting to know someone well enough or being too persistent with it even with someone I’ve known well for a good while. Several people I know have distanced themselves, mostly temporarily but permanently in a few cases, as a result of my going overboard. Fortunately, the permanent separations weren’t close friends, so there was little to no pain on my part from them. Still, they taught me an important lesson about knowing how to care for people and adjust the many elements that come with that process to match each person since what works for one person might not work for another.

Reading The 5 Love Languages has helped me a lot with this. If I know how someone prefers to receive love, then I can show them love and support in that way even if it differs from the way I prefer to receive it, which makes them more likely to appreciate and accept it. Also, knowing how much love to show is also important. When a customer at my job revealed a tragedy in his life, I gave him my sympathies and left it at that, which he seemed to appreciate. I’ve found that going above and beyond, especially with strangers, can do more harm than good. This can sometimes even be the case with friends, so I generally try to keep it short and to the point, stopping once I’ve let them know I care about them unless they signal that they want me to continue. I recently did this with a friend who experienced an unfortunate event and I think keeping it simple was just what that situation needed. I plan to continue helping people where I can, but I’m also going to keep working on doing it as effectively as possible. And I think I’m on the right track.

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Guided Meditation and Releasing Negative Energy

Posted on January 19, 2019 by admin

I have a hard time letting things go and tend to carry around thoughts and feelings long after the events that caused them. Although I’ve gotten better at letting go over time, I still have problems with it now and then. Something that’s helped me a lot with this is a guided healing meditation that a friend sent me.

The meditation starts off with deep breathing to put me into a relaxed state. After a few minutes of that, it instructs me to call in Archangel Michael and imagine what he looks like. The remainder of the meditation is then spent thinking about uncomfortable situations, guilt or regret over past actions, ill will toward others, negative energy, etc, and releasing them to the angels. This is a deeply relaxing thing to do and always leaves me feeling much lighter and freer after I’ve finished it. Since I usually do it on Wednesday nights right before bed, I think it also helps me sleep better on those nights as well.

Every time I’ve done that meditation, I’ve felt much better both on Wednesdays as well as for the next few days. I didn’t realize how much negative energy I was carrying until I started doing this. That negative energy affected my friendships, my job performance, and my overall quality of life. Releasing a bit of it each day via my normal self-improvement work and a lot of it each Wednesday through this healing meditation has done wonders for me. I think that’s what made the past few days so amazing for me. Despite having a headache for one of them, I felt much more comfortable during both days when I was interacting with other people than usual: I spoke easily and fluidly, didn’t feel shy or nervous around anyone, and, for the most part, didn’t let anything get to me. I can’t think of any other recent event in my life that could have taken away my anxiety and smoothed out my interactions with others, so I think this is what did it. If you’ve never tried a guided meditation, I’d highly recommend it. And if you do, I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.

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