Responses

Posted on January 12, 2019 by admin

Over the last few years, I’ve gotten much better at choosing my words carefully. Not just what I say but how and when I say it. This also includes knowing when something warrants a response and when it’s better left alone.

I used to respond to everything I could, even when it wasn’t directed at me. This lead to many long, unnecessary arguments that caused a lot of frustration (at least on my part) and wasted a ton of time. Even if I had a good point and did a good job articulating it, my responses rarely convinced anyone to change their mind or consider an alternative position. More often than not, all that needlessly responding did was put me in a bad mood for most of the day and make me think badly about the other people involved in the exchange. Eventually, I got to the point that I had to stop for my own sake.

There were some things that I completely stopped responding to for a good while. It was difficult at first to resist the urge to jump in, but it got easier over time. At this point, there are a few subjects that I almost never discuss anymore, several that I only engage in when I’m in the proper mental state to do so, and plenty that I freely talk about because I can easily choose to respond properly to them. While I still get the urge to respond to something I should ignore (and occasionally give into that urge), I’m much more capable of avoiding that now than I used to be. As a result, my conversations are much more fruitful as well as enjoyable, I’m a lot more productive with my time, and my mood has improved tremendously. This is one of many seemingly small changes that has made a huge positive difference in my life and I’m glad I chose it.

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Friends and Acquaintances

Posted on January 11, 2019 by admin

Most people have many acquaintances and a few friends. They may think they have more friends than they actually do until they stop and think about their relationships. Then they’ll probably realize that several people they thought of as friends are really just acquaintances. I figured this for myself last year and I’m glad I did. It helped me rethink a number of things and get to a better place mentally. Here are some things I noticed.

There’s a sense of closeness between friends that doesn’t exist between acquaintances. The distance between acquaintances and friends is far greater than the distance between strangers and acquaintances. You can share your day with acquaintances and do fun things with them. With friends, you can share your heart and go through every season in life together, good times and hard times alike. Acquaintances can still enjoy each other’s company and have a great time together, but nowhere near the extent to which friends can do so.

Further, friends will be much quicker to greet each other than acquaintances. Greetings between acquaintances can be friendly but they may also be awkward and contain a great deal of uncertainty. In contrast, when friends great each other, it usually looks like someone seeing their dog after a long day away; there’s no question that they’re happy to see each other and don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. Everything about the way they interact both during and after the greeting indicates interest in each other: body position, direction their feet are pointing, eye movement, tuning everything else out and focusing on the other person, etc. These are some signs that are useful in distinguishing friends from acquaintances.

Mistaking acquaintances for friends caused me a lot of grief. It took a long time for me to even consider this, but once I did, I quickly changed my perspective and felt much better afterward. I stopped chasing acquaintances and began to focus more on my friends. At this point, I still enjoy hanging out with several acquaintances of mine, but I no longer expect them to do for me that which can only be done by friends. Instead, I reserve my energy and big ideas for my friends, and I have a much better time as a result. This was a difficult lesson to learn (as many are) but it’s been incredibly helpful and I plan to continue practicing the things it’s taught me.

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Leveling Up

Posted on January 10, 2019 by admin

We’re all on one type of level in life. It’s not ultimately determined by age, income, societal status, etc. It comes down to what we do with what we’ve been given. How much self-improvement work you do determines whether you go down a level, stay on your current level, or level up. Leveling up, while difficult and painful at times, is well worth the effort.

Once you’ve done enough self-improvement work, you’ll begin to notice the ways it’s changed your life. Things that used to cause you a lot of issues are now either much less problematic or are completely gone. You react to situations much better than you used to, which rubs off on the people around you and improves their reactions as well. You’re focusing much more on important things and much less on trivial matters. Overall, your life is much better now than it was even a relatively short time ago and it seems to be continually improving at a rapid rate.

You may also see a resurfacing of thoughts and feelings that have lain dormant for years. Things that caused you a lot of grief and sorrow in the past are now regularly coming to mind. If you’ve worked through a lot of difficult feelings, then you’ve freed up space for the old feelings to rise; with the strength you’ve gained from facing your demons, you can now work through the difficult memories of years gone by. This process can be repeated indefinitely, with each repetition giving you a great deal of freedom from past pain.

What’s the upper limit for leveling up? Is there even an upper limit, and if so, what does it take to get there? How would the world look if we all tried to find the answers to those questions? Most likely, very few people know the answers. Leveling up to that extent requires years of concentrated effort spent working through painful memories and feelings, so most people probably never go very far with it. Even if someone is committed to the process, those close to them may not understand or appreciate what they’re doing (perhaps because it makes them feel guilty for not improving themselves) and, consequently, will push back. If they don’t come around eventually, they may withdraw from the person or try to convince them to stop improving. Either course of action will cause conflict and lead to strained relationships. This is just one of many things that can prevent someone from finding out if there’s an upper limit and seeing how their life looks after years of self-improvement work. Personally, I want to know what those upper levels contain and how high up they go, and I’m determined to find out. How about you?

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My Daytime Routine

Posted on January 9, 2019 by admin

Recently, I noticed I’ve developed a new routine during the day. This routine allows me to get a lot of stuff I need to do and want to do completed in my waking hours, makes my days feel longer, and gives me a good feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction by the time I go to bed. In this post, I’ll go over my routine and a few other things I’ve observed about it since I developed it.

When I wake up, I spend about twenty minutes sitting up in bed and surfing around on my Kindle while the grogginess gradually dissipates. I’ve also been listening to a chapter of The Power of Now as of late while I do this. Then I do my morning routine and start eating breakfast. After that, I try to get something productive done while my food settles. Some possibilities include practicing Spanish, reading an excerpt from Tools of Titans, or working on a blog post. About forty five minutes after I finish eating, I’ll do some type of physical activity. Depending on the day, it could be going to the gym or practicing with my unicycle; if it’s a gym day, I’ll unicycle after I return from the gym. I’ll then take a cold shower, stretch for a bit, and spend at least a few minutes before lunch either working on something productive or enjoyable. Once I finish eating lunch, I head to work, do whatever I’ve got to do there, and then go home and finish up whatever I didn’t get done earlier in the day. Then I eat dinner (although some nights I skip it if I’m sufficiently tired or don’t feel hungry), do my nighttime routine, maybe throw in a few sets of chinups, stretch some more, and call it a night.

This is how I spend most of my days, with the exception of days in which I go dancing at night or don’t have to go to work. I’ve found this to be a great routine for getting a lot of stuff done in a short amount of time. However, it’s not just a matter of getting stuff done as quickly as possible or doing things just to stay busy. With several of these tasks, the order in which they’re done makes a difference, and I focus on things that are important to me instead of simply filling my day with minutiae. I prefer to practice with my unicycle during the day, which means that I have to get it done before I go to work. Further, since I tend to get hot and sweaty through even moderate physical activity (especially in warm, sunny weather), I make sure to finish unicycling before I shower. On days where I go to the gym, I unicycle after my workout, so I have to get them both done early enough to shower. I like to stretch after I shower in the morning and I usually do a bit of stretching at night as well. Because these physical activities take up a great deal of time in the morning, they normally end up pushing several lighter activities into the evening, such as finishing a blog post or practicing Spanish. By the time evening rolls around and I get home from work, I’m ready to jump back into finishing up whatever I didn’t get done that morning.

While I’ve followed this routine for a while now, I didn’t intentionally develop it. It gradually came about through a combination of many things that I was already doing, a few new things, and a few things that I started doing again. I think having a couple of days off around Christmas to work on this helped things fall into place. Since then, I’ve settled into the routine and found a way to order my activities that lets me get stuff done quickly and enjoy what I’m doing without rushing or getting burnt out. I suppose it was only a matter of time until I developed a good daytime routine to complement my morning and nighttime routines. I’ll be interested to see how this routine changes over time and what it does for me in the long run. At this point, I think it’ll do me a lot of good and I’m excited to see where it’ll take me.

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Priorities: Rocks, Pebbles, and Sand

Posted on January 8, 2019 by admin

This is a great short story about priorities and focusing on the important things in life. I’ve seen a few different versions of it and I don’t know the title or the author, but I like this one for its clarity and beauty. It’s a great reminder of the importance of using our time wisely and we can all benefit from getting that reminder every once in a while.

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

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“Father Forgets”

Posted on January 7, 2019 by admin

“Father Forgets” is a short story by W. Livingston Larned. I found out about it because Dale Carnegie included in How to Win Friends and Influence People. It illustrates the importance of compassion, perspective, empathy, understanding, and forgiveness. I love this story and always enjoy reading it. I hope you enjoy it too.

“Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, “Goodbye, Daddy!” and I frowned, and said in reply, “Hold your shoulders back!”

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road, I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before you boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive – and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. “What is it you want?” I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding – this was my reward to your for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: “He is nothing but a boy – a little boy!”

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.”

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Solitude and Finding Contentment Within Myself

Posted on January 6, 2019 by admin

For as long as I can remember, I’ve gone out regularly with a group of people I see on a regular basis: friends, coworkers, classmates, etc. I’ve been in many different groups over the past six years in particular, but I’ve always gone out frequently with at least a few people. Despite having several reserved and introverted tendencies, I’ve enjoyed hanging out with those close to me, especially when it involves a physical activity such as swing dancing or sports. However, I think I came to rely too much on those fun times; when I couldn’t go to an event or wasn’t invited to one, I got sad and felt unwanted. Once I realized this tendency (with the help of a few friends who pointed it out to me), I began to focus on finding contentment within myself.

I’ve still gone out at least once a week to do some fun group activity every so often, which I’ve enjoyed tremendously, but I haven’t gone out nearly as much lately as I used to. That’s because I’ve taken a great deal of time for myself over the past few months to spend however I like. This has mainly consisted of reading, writing, practicing with my unicycle, juggling, stretching, working out, meditating, and working through my feelings. This has shown me that I can be content with my own company, whether by working on a hobby or sitting in a meditative state, and has made me stop being dependent on other people to feel good.

The self-improvement work I’ve done during my time of solitude has helped make the recent times in which I’ve gone out more enjoyable. Now instead of feeling like I have to have a great experience, hyping it up in my mind, and feeling disappointed if it doesn’t go the way I wanted, I can relax, accept whatever happens, and feel just as good afterward as I did beforehand. It’s amazing to be able to walk into a situation without stressing about how it’s going to go and being able to enjoy it even if it goes differently than I had expected. I’m glad I took the time to think about all of this and work through it. That’s something I really only started doing with troubling situations last year, and it’s made a huge positive difference in my life. I plan to continue doing this whenever and wherever it feels necessary as I slowly build for myself the life of my dreams.

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Why I Love Cold Showers

Posted on January 5, 2019 by admin

I’ve mentioned that I recently started taking cold showers in a few previous posts, but I haven’t talked much about them. Now that I’ve been taking them for a few weeks, I’ve noticed some things that I’d like to talk about. Maybe I can even persuade you to give them a try by the end of this post.

I started by getting used to showering without using a heater in the bathroom and embracing the slow progression away from pure comfort. Then I would take my usual warm showers and turn the temperature down to cool for about a minute at the very end. Over time, I gradually increased the amount of time I spent under the cool water in addition to steadily decreasing the temperature. Eventually, I got to where I could skip the warm water altogether and start off with cool water, finishing with the coldest water I could get without losing water pressure. These last few steps took a lot of time and mental preparation before I could take them, but I was glad when I finally got to that point. Now my showers start off cool and end cold, and I like it that way.

Since I started taking cold showers, I’ve noticed a few positive changes in my life. The first one is that I don’t get cold nearly as much or as easily as I did before. I’m a lifelong Floridian who prefers cooler weather and feels hot most of the time but have always had a strange relationship with the cold, as evidenced by my past use of a heater during warm showers. I also used to wake up feeling freezing cold during the winter even though Florida winters are nothing compared to winters in many other places. As I’ve gotten used to taking cold showers, however, those things have started to change. I don’t think I’ve been cold as often or to the same degree (no pun intended) in the morning as I was in the past. It’s become easier to warm myself up without putting on extra clothes or moving around a lot. I don’t know if cold showers will give me any advantage when I go to places that get extremely cold, but they’ve definitely helped me handle the cold times in my neck of the woods.

Another change, and one I appreciate a lot more, is how cold showers have affected my mindset. When I first step into the shower and get hit with the cool water, my first instinct is to think “That’s cold!” and back away. Instead of doing that, I remind myself to breathe and then focus on taking slow, deep breaths as I get used to the water. While I do this, my head is almost completely empty. Focusing on my breath makes me very aware of it as well as my body and leaves almost no room for thought. This helps me adapt to the cold and puts me into a relaxed state in which I forget about what I did that morning or what I will do later in the day, as well as anything that might be stressing me out. When I get used to the water, I shower normally and then go back to focusing on my breath and getting out of my head during the final minute of standing under the coldest water I can get. After that, I turn off the water and open the shower curtain before I dry myself off, continuing to abide in that mindful state for the next few minutes as I get dressed. I’ve noticed that when I start feeling stressed later on, I can think back to that cold shower and remember what it felt like underneath the water. Doing so makes me automatically focus on slowing and controlling my breath, which helps me relax and avoid the stress. As you can imagine, this comes in handy in a variety of situations and has made a major positive difference for me.

I’m glad I started taking cold showers and worked through the initial discomfort that came with them. They help me better manage the cold, relax and avoid overthinking or getting stressed, and make me feel refreshed and full of life. I think they’ve also prevented my skin from drying out as much as it usually does in winter and made me feel less congested. Although I tried cold showers years ago, I never went all the way with them as I do now or stuck with them for very long; I don’t see myself going back to hot showers at this point. I’ve gotten a lot of benefits from sticking with cold showers and I’m excited to see what else they do for me. If any of this sounds interesting to you, then I recommend you give them a try. Please let me know if you do try them and what benefits or change you see from making the switch. Thank you and I’ll see you in the next post.

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Beware of Echo Chambers

Posted on January 4, 2019 by admin

The internet has made it easier than ever before to interact with other people. Most people have many friends in their social media circles who think like them, and some go as far as having nothing but those kinds of people as online friends. Even those who have friends with different perspectives can still occasionally wind up in echo chambers for days at a time, and maybe even longer. While this can be useful for certain things, it can also cause major problems. This post will examine some of those problems and offer solutions for them.

Those who spend excessive amounts of time in echo chambers tend to suffer in the long run. They’ll learn a lot about the arguments in favor of whatever ideas are being discussed in the echo chamber, but they’re much less likely to hear arguments against them. And by being around so many people who agree with them, they can forget what it’s like to be around people who disagree with them. Both of these will tend to make people who spend too much time in echo chambers less able to relate to those outside the echo chambers as well as less likely to critically examine their own views (and thereby less likely to find flaws in their reasoning, improve their arguments, or abandon some old ideas in favor of new ones). If they’re not careful, this can also cause them to see people who disagree with them as their enemy, which I think plays a large role in the hostile exchanges frequently seen online.

So what can be done about this? If the problem is being unable to relate to people who think differently, then the first step is to spend more time around them. Get to know them by doing things you both enjoy and just talking to them. You’ll realize that, just like you, they have hopes, fears, dreams, and struggles. Learning about them and what they value will reveal many similarities between the two of you and give you a lot to talk about with them; you may even become friends after doing this for a while.

Something that may help with this is becoming familiar with major influences in someone’s life. For example, if a few specific people have greatly shaped their thinking, look into those people and their works. Learn about what they stood for and why, then come back and have a real conversation about what you’ve found. The person you’re talking to will appreciate your taking the time to do that, and they will also probably become more receptive to hearing about your ideas.

It’s natural to want to spend time around like-minded people, but spending too much time in echo chambers can be problematic. Taking the time to learn many different perspectives by talking to lots of people about a wide range of ideas (as well as researching those ideas and perspectives on your own time) and getting to know the people you’re talking to will prevent many of the above problems from ever occurring and they’ll undo a lot of harm caused by problems that have already occurred. Everyone has a lot of ideas, and, while some ideas are better than others, there is much to be gained by listening to someone else’s ideas. To close, regardless of whether or not we ever agree on some of our ideas, as long as we’re working regularly at something that’s making a positive difference in the world, that’s worth celebrating.

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Always Do Your Best

Posted on January 3, 2019 by admin

The final agreement Don Miguel Ruiz covers in The Four Agreements is “Always Do Your Best”. Like the other agreements, this is one I try to follow even though I don’t always succeed, but an occasional reminder helps get me back on track. Ruiz includes a lot of great reasons as to why we should do our best in that chapter of the book, which makes it easier to put his ideas into action.

After stating that always doing your best will help make the other agreements into habits, Ruiz points out that your best will vary from one moment to another. Your best on a rough day may be equivalent to your worst on an easy day, but you’re on the right track as long as you do your best in every activity. That way, you’ll know you did all you could and won’t feel guilty for doing less than your best or get upset if something doesn’t work out as you’d hoped it would.

And all you have to do is your best. Ruiz warns against trying to do way more than that because you’ll wear yourself out, won’t enjoy your time, and will probably take longer to accomplish your project. You may still get tired from doing your best, but, unlike trying to go over and above, you won’t become resentful of what you’re doing and get depleted as if you were pouring from an empty cup.

I find it easy to do my best with activities I enjoy. I have a strong desire to get better at my hobbies, interests, and passions, so it’s easy for me to do my best with them and work on them regularly. When it comes to things I don’t want to do, however, that’s where I struggle. Fortunately, I’ve found a life hack that helps me get into the mindset to do my best in those activities as well. And, as Ruiz says, I always have a good feeling of satisfaction at the end of a job well done. I often think about this at work and remind myself of how good I’ll feel when I’m finished; this also helps me find enjoyment as I’m doing the work, which I think is critical. I periodically return to this agreement when I feel distraught and don’t want to do much, and it always gives me exactly what I need. “Always Do Your Best” is a great final agreement in this wonderful book and it makes the other ones possible, making it perhaps the most important of them all.

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