The Power of Listening

I try to solve problems wherever possible. Much of the progress I’ve made at self-improvement and other skills has come from figuring out my weak points and then fixing them. Further, when I talk to someone about a difficult time I’m having, I often ask for advice on getting out of the situation or holding on until it’s over. This problem-solving mindset is why I tend to offer potential solutions for issues other people mention to me. However, this doesn’t always go over well.

I’ve had to learn when to be a problem-solver and when to be a listener. Stephen Covey and Dale Carnegie talk a lot about the importance of listening in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and How to Win Friends and Influence People, respectively. Both books have helped me become a better listener and tune into what the other person needs. Sometimes a person in a weird situation just needs someone to hear their ideas so they can make a decision or solve a problem on their own. Other times listening might not help them solve their problem, but it will let them know I care and that I’m there for them. Focusing primarily on solving the problem, however, may make it seem like I care more about the problem than I care about the person, and that can create a lot of strife between us. So in some cases, the best thing to do is just listen to and hold space for the other person as they talk their way through their feelings or a solution to their problem.

It wasn’t until I noticed my own occasional tendency to seek out a listener that I realized how powerful it is to truly listen to someone without judgment or trying to figure everything out for them. Some of my greatest breakthroughs have come from just having someone listen as I ramble on and inadvertently say something insightful. Now that I’m aware of this, I try to keep that in mind when listening to others; sometimes I’ll even ask if they want me to give them advice or listen. Sometimes, after having listened to someone talk through their feelings on multiple occasions, they’ll ask me for advice without my ever offering it, which I take as a sign that they trust me, respect me, and value my input. I doubt I would get that request much, if at all, if I always focused on solving problems instead of caring for the other person. This is what I’ve discovered thus far from becoming a better listener and I’m excited to see what else I learn along the way.

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Comfort Zone

There’s a saying that “life happens outside your comfort zone”. Since I’ve spent a good bit of my life both in and out of my comfort zone at various times, I have to say I agree with that saying. I’ve steadily moved outside my comfort zone in a number of ways, most of which I think will be permanent rather than just temporary as they’ve often been in the past.

As with many changes I’ve made in the past few years, I’ve gradually taken steps out of my comfort zone and into uncharted territory (uncharted for me, at least). I’ve benefited a lot from making small changes and winning small victories that over time have resulted in big successes. The changes have been big enough that I can see a difference but small enough to allow me time to adjust without feeling overwhelmed; this has been critical to my success as I have quit many things in the past because I took on more than I could handle and got burnt out. Keeping the changes manageable has allowed me to gradually progress and level up in ways I previously never thought possible.

Although I think it’s important to step outside your comfort zone, I also think that the comfort zone has value and should be visited once in a while. Sometimes returning to something that’s familiar and soothing can be useful for resuming your regular routine after returning from big adventures, or perhaps just recovering from the stresses of daily life and sharpening the saw. Also, because there’s a great deal of familiarity in your comfort zone, you might find something in it that can be useful when learning something new. Personally, I have found returning to my comfort zone useful both for sharpening the saw and learning new things, so I make regular visits to it for those purposes.

I could fill a whole blog post with all the things I’ve done by stepping outside my comfort zone and how those things have benefited me. Many of them, such as taking a road trip halfway across the country a few years ago, taught me important lessons even if I didn’t appreciate the lessons or the way I learned them at the time. Others, like my trip to Classic City Swing 7 last year, were pure joy from beginning to end. From organizing several events to vastly improving my communication and socialization skills to many other things that I can’t even recall at the moment, my life is much different and much better now for stepping into the unknown and trying a lot of new things. The comfort zone is good for occasional visits, but don’t stay there too long or you’ll miss out on all the amazing things life has to offer.

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A Poem for Sawyer

It’s hard to remember a time without you

I got you when you were a puppy of two

Time has gone by and made you old

But you’re still enthusiastic and bold

You love to play and you love to nap

When you want some attention, you give me a tap

To sit at the window is a favorite task

Barking as people and critters walk past

You miss me so much whenever I roam

And greet me so warmly when I come home

You make the good times a bit more glad

And the hard times a little less sad

Although I have many things I must do

I still take the time to play with you

When I could be doing something else instead

I sit down with you and pet your head

Because it won’t always be that way

And I know I’ll say goodbye someday

You’re the best dog I could have asked for

And I’m grateful you’re there for me to adore

I love you and thank you for being my friend

I just hope I’ll be strong when it comes to an end

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“The Value of a Smile at Christmas”

In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie talks a lot about smiling, as well as the positive impacts it has both for the person doing it and the people seeing it. This short entry from the book is a good reminder of the power of a genuine smile, especially for those who are most in need of one.

It costs nothing, but creates much.

It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.

It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.

None are so rich they can get along without it, and none are so poor but are richer for its benefits.

It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends.

It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble.

Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.

And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours?

For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!

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Overcoming Writer’s Block

I frequently have difficulty coming up with new ideas for blog posts. Putting up a new post every day was easy for a while since I had lots of ideas clamoring to get out of my head, but now that I’ve made over 150 daily posts, it often takes me more time than it used to come up with a new subject. This was the case yesterday morning, but it was through that feeling of writer’s block that I came up with this post.

The most helpful trick I’ve found for getting through writer’s block is to stop trying so hard to come up with an idea. In most cases, the more I struggle and strain to think of something, the less likely I am to succeed. When I take some time away from it and do something else or simply relax, sooner or later a fresh idea pops into my head. This often happens in the shower, so I find it useful to keep a problem I’m working on in the back of my head when I go in there. Usually, either by the end of the shower or in the middle of it, I get inundated with ideas and potential solutions that seem to just work themselves out without any effort on my part. I don’t take extra showers simply for inspiration but I do make good use of my normal showers when I’m feeling stuck.

Something else that works for me is based on an idea I got from James Altucher’s book Choose Yourself. He recommends becoming an “idea machine” by writing down 10 new ideas a day. This will generate a lot of bad ideas, but Altucher says that that is part of the creative process. If you come up with enough ideas, you’re bound to get some good ones. While I don’t usually write my ideas down, I still find it helpful to think through a number of different possibilities without limiting myself to only coming up with ideas I think are good; at some point, this helps me get to an idea that I really like, and then I’m ready to write about it.

There are some posts I’ve enjoyed writing much more than others and certain subjects I prefer to write about whenever I can. However, I always try to produce quality posts. Sometimes people will tell me that they really enjoyed a particular post and found something good in it even if I didn’t think it was among my best work. On other occasions, a post I loved writing and thought would get a lot of feedback gets very little attention. I never know how anyone will react to any given post, and, since I’m just writing these in my spare time as a way to put my ideas into the world (both as reminders for myself of useful things I’ve found and as resources for others who may benefit from them), I don’t worry much about coming up with a stellar idea. I just write a post about whatever’s on my mind on any given day and do my best to make it worth reading. That’s worked for me so far and I plan to keep it up for as long as possible.

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“Jack of All Trades”

Image result for robert heinlein specialization is for insects

“Jack of all trades, master of none” is a fairly well-known quote. It’s intended to caution people against trying to learn a lot of different skills and instead focus on becoming great at one thing. However, while I think it has some value, I also think it can be more limiting than it should be, at least the way it’s normally discussed.

For one thing, most people I’ve seen mention the quote omit its second half. The full quote is “Jack of all trades, master of none, but oftentimes better than master of one”. There are cases, of course, in which being exceptional at a particular skill is crucial: surgery, architecture, piloting, etc. Outside of situations requiring a high degree of specialization in one skill (or a set of skills in some cases), however, it’s beneficial to be good at a variety of things instead of being great at just one thing. It’s probably best to learn at a steady pace instead of trying to learn everything at one time, though.

Scott Adams talks about this in How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big. He combines skills that work well together into what he calls a “talent stack”, which he believes helped him attain a great deal of success despite not being exceptionally talented at any one skill. After I read that book, I realized that I’d had a similar mentality for much of my life in certain areas (such as performing: combining humor, juggling, public speaking, and a few other related skills) and began to see value in adding more skills to my own talent stack. So far, I’ve benefited from being good at a variety of skills and I’m excited to see where it takes me in the future.

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Responses

Over the last few years, I’ve gotten much better at choosing my words carefully. Not just what I say but how and when I say it. This also includes knowing when something warrants a response and when it’s better left alone.

I used to respond to everything I could, even when it wasn’t directed at me. This lead to many long, unnecessary arguments that caused a lot of frustration (at least on my part) and wasted a ton of time. Even if I had a good point and did a good job articulating it, my responses rarely convinced anyone to change their mind or consider an alternative position. More often than not, all that needlessly responding did was put me in a bad mood for most of the day and make me think badly about the other people involved in the exchange. Eventually, I got to the point that I had to stop for my own sake.

There were some things that I completely stopped responding to for a good while. It was difficult at first to resist the urge to jump in, but it got easier over time. At this point, there are a few subjects that I almost never discuss anymore, several that I only engage in when I’m in the proper mental state to do so, and plenty that I freely talk about because I can easily choose to respond properly to them. While I still get the urge to respond to something I should ignore (and occasionally give into that urge), I’m much more capable of avoiding that now than I used to be. As a result, my conversations are much more fruitful as well as enjoyable, I’m a lot more productive with my time, and my mood has improved tremendously. This is one of many seemingly small changes that has made a huge positive difference in my life and I’m glad I chose it.

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Friends and Acquaintances

Most people have many acquaintances and a few friends. They may think they have more friends than they actually do until they stop and think about their relationships. Then they’ll probably realize that several people they thought of as friends are really just acquaintances. I figured this for myself last year and I’m glad I did. It helped me rethink a number of things and get to a better place mentally. Here are some things I noticed.

There’s a sense of closeness between friends that doesn’t exist between acquaintances. The distance between acquaintances and friends is far greater than the distance between strangers and acquaintances. You can share your day with acquaintances and do fun things with them. With friends, you can share your heart and go through every season in life together, good times and hard times alike. Acquaintances can still enjoy each other’s company and have a great time together, but nowhere near the extent to which friends can do so.

Further, friends will be much quicker to greet each other than acquaintances. Greetings between acquaintances can be friendly but they may also be awkward and contain a great deal of uncertainty. In contrast, when friends great each other, it usually looks like someone seeing their dog after a long day away; there’s no question that they’re happy to see each other and don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. Everything about the way they interact both during and after the greeting indicates interest in each other: body position, direction their feet are pointing, eye movement, tuning everything else out and focusing on the other person, etc. These are some signs that are useful in distinguishing friends from acquaintances.

Mistaking acquaintances for friends caused me a lot of grief. It took a long time for me to even consider this, but once I did, I quickly changed my perspective and felt much better afterward. I stopped chasing acquaintances and began to focus more on my friends. At this point, I still enjoy hanging out with several acquaintances of mine, but I no longer expect them to do for me that which can only be done by friends. Instead, I reserve my energy and big ideas for my friends, and I have a much better time as a result. This was a difficult lesson to learn (as many are) but it’s been incredibly helpful and I plan to continue practicing the things it’s taught me.

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Leveling Up

We’re all on one type of level in life. It’s not ultimately determined by age, income, societal status, etc. It comes down to what we do with what we’ve been given. How much self-improvement work you do determines whether you go down a level, stay on your current level, or level up. Leveling up, while difficult and painful at times, is well worth the effort.

Once you’ve done enough self-improvement work, you’ll begin to notice the ways it’s changed your life. Things that used to cause you a lot of issues are now either much less problematic or are completely gone. You react to situations much better than you used to, which rubs off on the people around you and improves their reactions as well. You’re focusing much more on important things and much less on trivial matters. Overall, your life is much better now than it was even a relatively short time ago and it seems to be continually improving at a rapid rate.

You may also see a resurfacing of thoughts and feelings that have lain dormant for years. Things that caused you a lot of grief and sorrow in the past are now regularly coming to mind. If you’ve worked through a lot of difficult feelings, then you’ve freed up space for the old feelings to rise; with the strength you’ve gained from facing your demons, you can now work through the difficult memories of years gone by. This process can be repeated indefinitely, with each repetition giving you a great deal of freedom from past pain.

What’s the upper limit for leveling up? Is there even an upper limit, and if so, what does it take to get there? How would the world look if we all tried to find the answers to those questions? Most likely, very few people know the answers. Leveling up to that extent requires years of concentrated effort spent working through painful memories and feelings, so most people probably never go very far with it. Even if someone is committed to the process, those close to them may not understand or appreciate what they’re doing (perhaps because it makes them feel guilty for not improving themselves) and, consequently, will push back. If they don’t come around eventually, they may withdraw from the person or try to convince them to stop improving. Either course of action will cause conflict and lead to strained relationships. This is just one of many things that can prevent someone from finding out if there’s an upper limit and seeing how their life looks after years of self-improvement work. Personally, I want to know what those upper levels contain and how high up they go, and I’m determined to find out. How about you?

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My Daytime Routine

Recently, I noticed I’ve developed a new routine during the day. This routine allows me to get a lot of stuff I need to do and want to do completed in my waking hours, makes my days feel longer, and gives me a good feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction by the time I go to bed. In this post, I’ll go over my routine and a few other things I’ve observed about it since I developed it.

When I wake up, I spend about twenty minutes sitting up in bed and surfing around on my Kindle while the grogginess gradually dissipates. I’ve also been listening to a chapter of The Power of Now as of late while I do this. Then I do my morning routine and start eating breakfast. After that, I try to get something productive done while my food settles. Some possibilities include practicing Spanish, reading an excerpt from Tools of Titans, or working on a blog post. About forty five minutes after I finish eating, I’ll do some type of physical activity. Depending on the day, it could be going to the gym or practicing with my unicycle; if it’s a gym day, I’ll unicycle after I return from the gym. I’ll then take a cold shower, stretch for a bit, and spend at least a few minutes before lunch either working on something productive or enjoyable. Once I finish eating lunch, I head to work, do whatever I’ve got to do there, and then go home and finish up whatever I didn’t get done earlier in the day. Then I eat dinner (although some nights I skip it if I’m sufficiently tired or don’t feel hungry), do my nighttime routine, maybe throw in a few sets of chinups, stretch some more, and call it a night.

This is how I spend most of my days, with the exception of days in which I go dancing at night or don’t have to go to work. I’ve found this to be a great routine for getting a lot of stuff done in a short amount of time. However, it’s not just a matter of getting stuff done as quickly as possible or doing things just to stay busy. With several of these tasks, the order in which they’re done makes a difference, and I focus on things that are important to me instead of simply filling my day with minutiae. I prefer to practice with my unicycle during the day, which means that I have to get it done before I go to work. Further, since I tend to get hot and sweaty through even moderate physical activity (especially in warm, sunny weather), I make sure to finish unicycling before I shower. On days where I go to the gym, I unicycle after my workout, so I have to get them both done early enough to shower. I like to stretch after I shower in the morning and I usually do a bit of stretching at night as well. Because these physical activities take up a great deal of time in the morning, they normally end up pushing several lighter activities into the evening, such as finishing a blog post or practicing Spanish. By the time evening rolls around and I get home from work, I’m ready to jump back into finishing up whatever I didn’t get done that morning.

While I’ve followed this routine for a while now, I didn’t intentionally develop it. It gradually came about through a combination of many things that I was already doing, a few new things, and a few things that I started doing again. I think having a couple of days off around Christmas to work on this helped things fall into place. Since then, I’ve settled into the routine and found a way to order my activities that lets me get stuff done quickly and enjoy what I’m doing without rushing or getting burnt out. I suppose it was only a matter of time until I developed a good daytime routine to complement my morning and nighttime routines. I’ll be interested to see how this routine changes over time and what it does for me in the long run. At this point, I think it’ll do me a lot of good and I’m excited to see where it’ll take me.

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