Control

Posted on March 16, 2019 by admin

I’ve read several books on persuasion and they’ve helped me protect myself against unwanted influence from other people. I’m still not great at saying no, but I’m a lot better at it than I used to be. However, I’ve noticed that I tend to go overboard with persuasion. It’s easy for me to get upset over what other people do and try to get them to stop; when I don’t succeed in changing their behavior, I can get even more upset and let my emotions ruin whatever situation I’m in. Being aware of all the trouble this causes me has motivated me to make some changes in my interactions with others.

I think a lot of this stems from feeling a lack of control over myself and fearing what other people might do to me. This can manifest as people pleasing or being controlling. Either of those are especially likely when I’m in a negative state of mind. If that’s the case, then getting better at controlling myself is key to breaking out of these traps that both involve trying to control other people.

This ties into something I’ve known for a while but have only just recently started abiding by: the fact that I can’t control anyone else. The most I can do is try to persuade them to do something. Even in that scenario, they’re still making the final decision about what they do. And I incur costs in the process, as Harry Browne so wonderfully put it in this quote from How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World:

“The paradox is that you have tremendous control over your life, but you give up that control when you try to control others. For the only way you can control others is to recognize their natures and do what is necessary to evoke the desired reactions from those natures. Thus, your actions are dictated by the requirements involved when you attempt to control someone else.”

Persuasion has its place, but I find things generally go much more smoothly when I relax and enjoy myself around others instead of trying to nudge them in a particular direction. So, rather than try to control anyone else’s behavior, I’m going to focus on controlling my reactions to what they do, making the best decisions I can for myself and those close to me, and steering clear of negative situations whenever possible. I think that will give me much more peace, joy, and freedom than I could ever have by worrying about what other people do, and I’m looking forward to making it a regular practice in my life.

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Unplugging

Posted on March 15, 2019 by admin

I’m just old enough to remember what life was like before cell phones became ubiquitous and the internet was THE place to be nearly 24/7. However, I’m also young enough to have fallen into the trap of spending way too much time on both my phone and the internet. I can take longer breaks away from them when I choose, but it feels strange and I often find myself reaching for my phone out of habit even when it’s not there.

While there can be a lot of benefit to being plugged in, there is also a lot of benefit in taking a break from it. I don’t want to miss out on enjoyable activities in my life by being stuck on the internet more often than not. Some people miss nearly their whole lives because they’re always focused on their phones; even when they’re paying attention to something in their immediate vicinity, they’re usually seeing it through their phone’s camera instead of looking directly at what’s right in front of them.

Years ago, I lost my phone for a few days before getting it back. Instead of feeling deprived during this period of absence, I actually enjoyed it and felt a sense of freedom. I didn’t miss any important calls or texts during that time, and there was no harm done by my being unavailable for a bit. Then a few years after that, I went on a cruise and didn’t buy an internet package, so my phone was essentially useless even though I had it with me most of the time. That was another nice break and allowed me to better enjoy my time with those around me. And, just like when I lost my phone, I didn’t miss out on anything important.

I already try to unplug at least a bit during the day and I’ll usually take more time away from my electronic devices on Wednesdays. This helps me avoid drowning in information or getting caught up in drama and gives me time to focus on the important things. I’d like to further decrease my time in front of screens, though. I plan to start small and gradually work up to increasingly longer breaks. I find that this approach works well for me with most other things and I think it will also work well here. The more time I can spend unplugged from electronics, the more time I’ll have to tune into the things that make life worth living.

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A Few Reminders

Posted on March 14, 2019 by admin

Although I’m framing all of these reminders in the second person, if anything, I’m writing them for myself because I need to keep them in mind. I know my struggles inside and out but I don’t know yours. Still, I hope you find some value from this list.

  1. Breathe
  2. Stand up straight
  3. It’s ok to stand up for yourself and not let anyone walk all over you
  4. Forgiving someone who’s hurt you doesn’t require giving them the opportunity to hurt you again
  5. Making time to rest and recharge is not only beneficial, it’s essential; you can’t pour from an empty cup
  6. You are perfectly capable of becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be
  7. Surrounding yourself with people who love you and want the best for you is one of the most important things you can ever do for yourself
  8. Forgiving yourself is crucial for healing and progress
  9. Calm is contagious
  10. There are many decisions you can make that will give you a great deal of personal freedom
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People Pleasing

Posted on March 13, 2019 by admin

Within the past year (and especially the past month), I’ve realized that I’ve spent most of my life being a people pleaser. Overall, I’ve been hesitant to speak or act differently from those around me, and I’ve done a lot of things simply to appease others instead of sticking up for myself. I think this comes from a place of fear. Subconscious fear that someone will hurt me or push me away if I do something they dislike. The desire to fit in and be accepted likely comes from our dependence on one another for survival (except for the few people who grow their own food, have ways to get clean water by themselves, and are truly capable of independent living), so fear of rejection arises from the risk of death that would follow from ostracism. I think everyone has this fear to a certain extent but some people, whether because of their genetics or their life experience, either have more of it or are more controlled by it.

I’ve gradually gotten better at managing this fear. When I know someone well enough, I’m comfortable speaking my mind even if we end up disagreeing. I find this easiest when interacting with friends one-on-one and in small groups. Doing this a lot for several years in a variety of different situations has slowly but surely made me more comfortable going against popular opinions and sticking up for myself. Additionally, getting used to interacting with a wide variety of people and being in situations in which I’ve had to say or do something they didn’t like, such as telling a customer that we’re out of a particular product, has shown me that letting someone down is not the end of the world (outside of cases such as surgery where it’s important to get things right). Most of the time, the worst thing that happens is they feel disappointed for a bit and soon get over it. They’re extremely unlikely to physically attack me or otherwise harm me, and keeping that in mind has taken an enormous weight off my shoulders.

Another realization that I’ve had recently has also helped me avoid people pleasing. If I’ve just met someone and I don’t like how the interaction is going, I don’t have to stick around. I don’t owe them any of my time and I can leave if I want to; I did just that during one interaction within the past few weeks and I felt much better once I was out of that situation. This works especially well when I’m unlikely to interact with someone more than once, so I don’t have to gain their acceptance or approval. Lastly, this video from Charisma on Command (which was uploaded about the same time that I was thinking about all of this) has given me some solid life hacks to avoid people pleasing as well as understand the difference between people pleasing and genuine self-improvement. If you’ve also struggled with people pleasing, then I hope this has been helpful to you and gives you the tools you need to stand up for yourself.

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The Power of Forgiveness

Posted on March 12, 2019 by admin

Forgiveness is something we all hear about from a young age, but what exactly is it and what is its purpose? I don’t have all the answers to those questions but I have some thoughts about them that I’d like to share. Many of these come from different resources I’ve studied and, in some cases, my experience in trying them out and seeing how much they’ve improved my life.

At its core, I think forgiveness has more to do with healing yourself than living peacefully with someone who’s hurt you. Holding a grudge against that person doesn’t do anything to them; it just limits yourself by keeping you trapped in negativity. All the time and energy you spend thinking about them and what they did to you could be much better spent on things that will improve your quality of life. Continually being upset with someone instead of forgiving them is akin to locking yourself in a jail cell and sitting there while holding the key. You put yourself there through your reaction to the other person and you have the power to free yourself by forgiving them. This doesn’t mean that what they did to you is acceptable or that you have to continue associating with them. All it means is that you’re choosing to avoid being hurt over and over again by holding onto those negative feelings and letting them live rent-free in your head. You instead choose to forgive them, reclaim control over your life, and then work more on healing from this and other negative experiences you’ve had.

All of this also applies to forgiving yourself for things you regret doing (or things you wish you had done). This is essential for being at ease with yourself and living your best possible life. If you’re constantly beating yourself up over past mistakes, you won’t be able to enjoy the present moment or look forward to future adventures. You’ll have a sense of inferiority and lack of worth, which will come through in your words and actions and negatively impact your relationships with those close to you. By loving yourself enough to forgive yourself, you can shed that excess mental baggage, gain more confidence, and better connect with the most important people in your life. And forgiving yourself for not being the person you want to be will do so much more to help you become that person than talking down to yourself ever could.

I struggle a lot with forgiveness but I’ve found some things that have helped. If a particular situation keeps replaying itself in my mind, I’ll watch my thoughts for a bit and try to figure out what causes that experience to stick out. Usually I realize that I’m upset with the way I handled the situation and I’ll try to think of a better way to navigate similar situations in the future. I also try to keep in mind that someone may have done something I didn’t like because they’re hurting and that pain came out during our encounter; although I was on the receiving end of it, it wasn’t necessarily meant for me or based on something I did. I usually then recall situations in which I’ve taken out my frustration on someone who didn’t deserve it, which makes it much easier to forgive anyone who’s done that to me. I finish by forgiving myself, reminding myself of how much progress I’ve made with self-improvement, and making a commitment to do better next time. All of this has given me a great deal of mental peace and enhanced every area of my life. I still have a lot to work on, so I’m excited to see how continuing to refine this practice further helps me. I hope it helps you as well.

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The Value of Comedy

Posted on March 11, 2019 by admin

Comedy is abundant in most societies. Funny TV shows, movies, videos, and books are all incredibly popular, and most people use one or more styles of humor in many areas of their lives. Why is that? The answer that most quickly comes to my mind is that comedy acts as a source of relief from the tougher aspects of life, which helps us feel better so we can keep going. But I think comedy also does a lot more than that.

Comedy can be used to provide a different perspective to commonly-accepted ideas, which can help us decide if those ideas are worth supporting or abandoning. Many comedic movies and TV shows that are now considered classics did exactly that by pointing out flaws, contradictions, and other issues in contemporary people and institutions that were revered and seldom questioned at the time. Being able to laugh at something puts some distance between it and yourself, which allows you to think more critically and less passionately about it. In extreme cases, comedians can go so far with their work as to almost approach nihilism and begin to lose their sense of meaning to life. That can be a downside to taking a skeptical perspective toward nearly everything in life and poking fun at anything that pops up, so it’s best to not go overboard with that type of comedy.

Sharing laughter with another person also strengthens the bond between the two of you. This can be intentional in such cases as seeing a funny movie together or unintentional, such as both of you saying the same thing at once without planning it. Additionally, laughter helps defuse tension and facilitate relaxation; this, along with its ability to strengthen bonds, makes it effective (when done properly at least) in breaking the ice when meeting someone new.

Like many other things in life, comedy is a tool that can be used for good or bad purposes. Comedy is best used to help heal, bring people together, and discuss solutions to a variety of problems in the world. However, even when comedy is used in a negative way, the fault remains with the comedian as comedy itself is neutral rather than being inherently good or bad. And, when it comes to those who use comedy to cause pain, the best thing to do is ignore them and focus instead on those who use comedy to bring healing. That way we can all laugh together as we work together to make the world a better place.

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“The Ballad Of Daylight Savings Time”

Posted on March 10, 2019 by admin

Rick W. Cotton wrote this short, funny poem about the quirks of Daylight Saving Time. Since some of us get to spring forward today, I figured it was the perfect time to share it.

“What’s with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o’clock? That just can’t be
It’s way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday’s way-too-early “fun”
It’s lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one…HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by…it’s almost done!

Five o’clock, well that’s just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!”

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Just When You Think You Know Someone…

Posted on March 9, 2019 by admin

It’s always hard to learn an unpleasant truth about someone you thought you knew. Maybe this person was a close friend, family member, work acquaintance, or someone else you saw regularly and enjoyed being around. But then one day you find out something about them that makes your skin crawl and totally changes your perspective of them.

When this happens, it feels as if that person dies and an impostor takes their place. But it’s not the person that dies, it’s the false image of them in your mind. The image that included only what you knew and focused on the most obvious things about them but left out the rest. That image represents the innocence you once had regarding that person; your innocence, along with the false image, died when you learned the truth about them. Seeing someone’s dark side for the first time can be difficult and painful, and often requires a great deal of time to accept this revelation and get over the accompanying feeling of betrayal.

You may start thinking about your past interactions with them, wondering if there were any signs indicating their hidden traits. You might be tempted to blame yourself for missing an “obvious” sign that should have tipped you off. It’s easy to do that with the knowledge you now possess, but you didn’t have that knowledge earlier. Being hard on yourself is only going to make you feel bad and take your attention away from the fact that the other person is at fault for what they did and how they worked to create that false image you had of them. Our impressions of other people can be wrong, especially those we only see occasionally and don’t really get to know personally, so best to forgive ourselves, forgive the other person if possible (if for no other reason than for our own healing), and move on when we’re ready. Easier said than done, but well worth doing for the enormous burden it takes off our shoulders.

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Hard Reset

Posted on March 8, 2019 by admin

Two nights ago, I did my usual healing meditation right before bed. The meditation focuses on bringing up troublesome events, situations, and thoughts before releasing them fully and completely. And, since it’s guided, I have someone walking me through it every time while nice music and relaxing sounds play in the background. Even though I do this every Wednesday, this one was much more powerful than usual. I think that was due to the heavy burden of negativity that was on my mind for the previous several days. I found some temporary respite through doing things I enjoy and trying to keep myself distracted, but I still felt trapped in that negativity. A little ways into the meditation, I started feeling much better; by the time it was over, I finally felt a true sense of relief, lightness, and freedom. I carried that wonderful feeling with me for most of the next day, which showed me just how much I had released the night before.

One of my biggest struggles in life has been letting go of things that don’t serve me. As much as I read, write, and think about this stuff, I still find it incredibly hard to do. That guided healing meditation has done an amazing job of helping me get rid of negative energy. It also shows that, despite my best efforts to keep a clear head each day, sometimes I need a more focused time to get rid of unnecessary energy that’s built up over time. I may even end up expanding this hard reset to twice a week and seeing how that goes. Whatever I end up doing, I’m glad that I have this life hack to use whenever I need it.

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The Hero’s Path

Posted on March 7, 2019 by admin

Here’s to all the people who are working hard to improve themselves. Whatever they’re struggling with, they’re doing their best to overcome it and be the best possible version of themselves. They’re taking ownership of their dark side and controlling it instead of allowing it to wreck their lives and the lives of those around them.

They’ve embarked on a journey that spans their whole lives and crosses over untold amounts of tears and anger, yet they’re choosing to walk it anyway, one step at a time. And even when they fall, they pick themselves up and keep moving forward. Many would give up before ever truly trying, deciding that that path is too difficult and painful to walk, but a select few embrace the pain and work through it until they’ve mastered it.

Everyone has a different cross to bear and everyone handles it in their own way. Some suffer in silence while others reach out for help, and still others have come so far and done such an amazing job that you’d never know they once struggled. Those who have made incredible progress are intimately familiar with their weak points and, in times of doubt, can look at how far they’ve come as motivation to keep going.

Lastly, here’s to the people that know someone who’s struggling and are supporting them however they need it, whether that’s through listening, giving them a place to live, getting them to a medical professional, or in some other way making them feel loved. Because even heroes still need help when they stumble while climbing mountains of their own making.

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