Ella Enchanted, Fawning, and Boundaries

Posted on August 20, 2025 by admin

Many years ago, I saw parts of a movie called Ella Enchanted (some spoilers to follow). It follows a woman named Ella who was cursed as a baby to be obedient to a fault. She does whatever anyone tells her to do, even if she doesn’t want to do it or if it breaks the laws of physics. Recently, I realized how that idea can be an allegory for a specific trauma response that I’ve dealt with for most of my life: fawning.

In short, fawning is a trauma response in which you give in to whatever someone else wants in the hope that they will not hurt you or will stop hurting you if they are already doing so. This is often learned as a kid in order to stop abuse from parents. As sad as that is, it’s even worse when fawning continues into and throughout adulthood. This creates all kinds of issues with people pleasing, failing to stand up for oneself, giving in to bad things, rejecting good things, and so on. In the worst cases, this occurs in every relationship, whether familial, friendship, work, social, etc.

Although I’ve had plenty of experience with all of the four main trauma responses, fawning is by far my most common response. I’ve long felt intimidated by others, whether out of hoping they’ll like me or at least avoid hurting me, so it’s been far too easy for me to put their wants ahead of my needs. Some particularly traumatic experiences and misguided self-improvement work have exacerbated this. It got even worse after my dog Sawyer died. Since then, it’s been overall harder for me to say no, set and maintain boundaries, and avoid going along with others’ expectations of me due to the pain of Sawyer’s death and life without him. Even though this has eased up some as I’ve healed, it’s still worse now than it was when Sawyer was still alive.

There is some good news. Last Saturday, the Plushie Dreadful fawn I ordered arrived. He’s brought me so much comfort in the short time he’s been here. I named him Little Ian, both because he reminds me of how I was as a kid and also so that I can comfort both of us by saying nice, sweet, gentle, and loving things to him and myself by extension (both present me and my inner child) when I call him by his name. That’s been so helpful lately.

I also started rereading Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and picked up Letting Go by David Hawkins from where I left off a few months earlier. Aside from bringing up lots of painful emotions, they’ve also been great reminders of wonderful things that have helped me tremendously in the past and have given me new ideas on how to remove the fawn response. It’s too soon to know if there’s been any lasting change from getting back into them, though.

My hope is that Little Ian, those wonderful books, and more emotional and boundary work will gradually bring me more confidence and peace. It’s hard to say if that will happen, given how much I’ve struggled with fawning throughout my life, and how each small amount of progress seems to be more than offset by a huge regression later on. Whether it happens soon or much farther down the road, I hope that they will help me to become free, just as Ella was able to become free after breaking her curse. I hope to have good news to report on this soon.

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A Few Teaching Tips

Posted on August 13, 2025 by admin

I’ve been thinking a bit about teaching and learning lately. Since I started my current day job, I’ve learned quite a bit. Most of that learning has come from one particular coworker who is excellent at explaining things in ways that make sense to me and encourages me to keep learning by highlighting the things I do well. That’s exactly how I learn best and explains why I’ve learned almost nothing from another coworker who is relentlessly negative, criticizes excessively without ever giving compliments, and only explains things in ways that make sense to him. As such, I wanted to share some things I’ve picked up from teaching people about juggling, unicycling, and other fun, random stuff. Without further ado, here are my tips for teaching.

  1. Make learning fun. This is perhaps the most important point on this list. Someone who doesn’t enjoy what they’re learning is extremely unlikely to continue with it. In contrast, someone who has a blast with the process will stick with it for a long time. I’ve learned a bit about spreadsheets just by playing around with them and looking up how to do particular tasks when I can’t figure it out on my own. In addition to being fun, that has taught me more about spreadsheets than I’d have learned had I treated it as a chore or been pressured by somebody else to learn how to use them. While some subjects may be more inherently enjoyable than others, any subject can be made interesting by someone who knows how to inject fun into the process.

  2. Teach a bit at a time. There are students of every subject under the sun who’ve studied it their whole lives and are still learning new things about it all the time. As such, it’s important to go slowly to avoid overwhelming students with far more information than they can handle. A few new things learned each day will add up over time to a huge mountain of knowledge.

  3. Encourage, encourage, encourage. Learning new things can be difficult and stressful. Why make it worse by discouraging someone and only focusing on the mistakes they make? Instead, focus on their successes and celebrate with them. It helps to point out how far they’ve come, especially if you’ve worked with them for a good while and have seen lots of progress. You might see progress they’ve missed, so be sure to point it out so that they can feel encouraged enough to stick with it rather than quitting during the difficult times.

  4. Be gentle. Criticism is one of the most difficult things to properly give. Some folks, including me, have a hard time handling criticism in general. Even those who can better receive it still can only take so much before giving up. Accordingly, point out what someone is doing well before gingerly focusing on areas for improvement. Additionally, you can use an accusation audit to soften the pain of criticism and make it effective for improvement rather than counterproductive. I’ve said before on this blog that being gentler with my dog Sawyer than almost anybody else in the family is what endeared him so much to me. As with animals, so with humans.

  5. Let them figure out some things on their own. Clearly, this is only to be done some of the time. If this were done all the time, then there’d be no need for anybody to teach anybody else anything. That being said, anything that you learn for yourself will stick with you much longer and much deeper than something someone else tells you. I like to think of this as giving somebody two plus two and letting them add it up rather than simply telling them the answer.
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Stop Asking Me the Question

Posted on August 6, 2025 by admin

When I used to work in jobs with lots of customer interaction, I’d often hear the same questions repeatedly from different customers. I quickly grew sick of answering them, especially if they were difficult to answer or required lengthy answers. While it may have been any given customer’s first time asking me that question, it may have been my fiftieth time answering it. Although I no longer have to deal with those repetitive questions at work, there are still questions I’m sick of getting elsewhere in life. Here are some of the ones I wish others would stop asking me, just as Tom Wilson says in his question song.

  1. “What do you do for work?” This was one of the most common questions I got when I was meeting new people regularly. Sometimes they would simply ask, “What do you do?” While suspecting that they were talking about work, I would still try to steer the conversation in another direction by talking about what I liked to do. Almost always, they’d interrupt me, ignore everything I just said, and ask, “No, I mean what do you do for work?” That instantly put me off of them, both for asking a boring question and also for interrupting me while simultaneously dismissing all the stuff I said I enjoy. Aside from shyness, the fact that this question almost never comes up anymore is a reason I’m glad to not be regularly meeting new people at this point in my life.

  2. “Are you going to shave your beard?” I don’t get why anyone asks that question, or the variation asking me when I’m going to shave, as if that were ever an option. I never hear anyone ask someone if they’re going to shave their head or any other hair on their body. Since I haven’t shaved my beard in almost a decade, plan to keep it for the rest of my life, and never talk about shaving, why does anyone think to ask me that? I’ve never asked any other guys that question, and I dislike the subtle implication that the person asking wants me to shave. I grow my beard for myself, so I’ll do with it as I like, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it, particularly those who voice criticism about my beard.

  3. “What?” Any other variation of that (“Huh?” “What did you say?” “What’s that?”) also fits in this spot. No matter how loudly and clearly I try to speak, those around me almost always ask me to repeat myself. Some in particular say it almost every time I say anything to them, which is extra annoying. This doesn’t just stem from being in a loud setting as it still happens when I’m in a quiet location. It annoys me greatly, especially when I’ve just said a lot or said something that took a lot of effort to say. The fact that those who tend to not hear or understand what I say are often the same folks who tend to interrupt or ignore me the most (or just simply avoid paying any attention when I speak) adds even more frustration. Sometimes I just say, “Never mind” instead of going through the struggle of saying it all again one or more times; if I then have to give a lengthy explanation of what I’ve said three or more times, then I’m even less inclined to repeat myself. I wish everyone would quiet down and lean in to hear me better, pay me more attention, and listen without interrupting while I’m talking.

  4. “Are you going to get another pet?” This is the repetitive question that I hate the most. I’ve heard this countless times since my dog Sawyer died. Sometimes it comes from friends or acquaintances I’ve known for years and other times it comes from new acquaintances after they learn about Sawyer. Even though this is nowhere near as bad as telling me to get a new pet, which some folks have also told me to do, I still hate being asked this question. Not the least because there’s usually also pressure to adopt another animal friend, regardless of what I say in response or if I’m able to take care of an animal even if I wanted to get another one. I’m tempted to ask whoever pressures me to adopt an animal how much money they will give me to take care of that animal, given that animals require lots of money to properly care for (in addition to time, vet visits, enrichment, attention, and love). I’m glad nobody has asked me this question in a long time, and I hope I can talk about Sawyer in the future without anybody ever asking me it again.
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My Big Reset

Posted on July 30, 2025 by admin

In Toy Story 3, Buzz Lightyear gets reset to demo mode. This makes him forget his friends, causes him to speak and act as he did for most of the first Toy Story movie, and makes him subservient to the main villain. Later, his friends manage to turn him back to his usual self. As odd as this might sound, that does a good job describing my life over the past several years.

If you’ve read any of my posts since 2022, then you’ve probably seen references to my dog Sawyer, his death just over three years ago, and the tremendous amount of pain that that caused me. The day Sawyer died, I regressed almost immediately to feeling scared, sad, and angry almost all the time. It was as if all the progress I had made over the past few years with emotional intelligence and feeling better all went away in an instant. I was back to having all the anxiety, anger, and depression that I had after graduating from high school. My shyness skyrocketed, as did the fear and discomfort I felt around most other humans.

Although I’ve released a lot of pain and feel much better now than I have in years, I still have far more struggles than I did before that horrible reset. The openness I had in social situations is largely gone. Both the pain of losing Sawyer and the pain of many humans taking advantage of me has caused me to close up and only show my heart to a handful of trusted humans. I fear being taken advantage of and hurt all over again. I rarely go out socially anymore, especially when it’s just to talk or hang out with others and there’s not a major activity to focus on. This is all compounded by the fact that I have much less time now to work through lingering pain than I did over the last few years, which also makes it much harder to progress at this point. As such, I still haven’t gotten back to the high level of peace, joy, and inner strength I had in September 2021, or even the fairly comfortable level I was on just a few days before Sawyer died. I don’t know if I ever will get back to either of those places or to an even higher place, and I fear that I won’t.

There are some things that give me hope that I will return to that wonderful state of being. One of them is how much pain I’ve released in the years since Sawyer’s death. It’s easy for me to forget at this point just how miserable I felt, and sometimes I don’t notice how much better in comparison I feel now. Releasing all that pain has allowed me to hold down a steady day job once again without breaking down in tears or otherwise being unable to work due to overwhelming pain. The healing plus the money from my job have both allowed me to thoroughly enjoy my trips to Disney’s Hollywood Studios and the Magic Kingdom this year. Going to both parks by myself and having so much fun at each one showed me that I’m still able to go on adventures, have a great time, and make wonderful memories along the way.

My life feels like it’s finally settling down after many years of turmoil. I’ve gotten used to my job schedule and have figured out how to make good use of my time away from work, especially on the weekends. Although my mood is still far lower than it was for part of 2021, it’s much higher than it was for most of the years since 2022. That’s encouraging. I hope to continue having fun adventures, releasing old pain wherever I can, hanging out with lots of cool animals, and maintaining good relationships with a few good humans. That, I believe, is doable.

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A Magical Trip to the Magic Kingdom

Posted on July 23, 2025 by admin

I spent the first two days of Independence Day weekend this year having an incredible time at the Magic Kingdom in Disney World. I’ve got a lot to say about it, so here’s an overview of my trip.

On July 4th, I left the house much later than I planned. After a few stops for gas and food, I got to the Magic Kingdom around 3pm. I spent some time listening to Grayson the amazing pianist at Casey’s Corner before listening to a bit of the Dapper Dans on Main Street. My next stop was Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room. That was my first time seeing the show, and I’m so glad I saw it. It was a fun, lovely, relaxing show. Shortly after that, I heard a whistle blow. Thinking it was the train, I turned around and was delighted to see the Liberty Belle riverboat about to set sail! That was pure magic. I ended up riding the Liberty Belle around the Rivers of America and then exploring Tom Sawyer Island later in the afternoon. It was wonderful to revisit them both after so many years away. Since they both closed forever right after my trip, I was extra glad to say goodbye to them and have fun on them one last time. In fact, that’s the whole reason I went to the Magic Kingdom.

That first day was pretty slow going until nightfall. I enjoyed some chocolate ice cream and a delicious root beer float right before the big fireworks show started. During the show, I rode a bunch of rides with little to no wait time! That got me through more than half of my list on the first day. It was also amazing seeing fireworks from the PeopleMover. Altogether, I did about 13 attractions that day, including exploring the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse that wasn’t even on my list. I finished with Pirates of the Caribbean right before the park closed. After a lengthy exit process, I got to the place I was staying around 12:30 in the morning. That was the best Independence Day I’ve had in years.

Unfortunately, the second day was extremely mixed. I felt upset after getting a much later start that I had planned. I felt quite a bit better after visiting with and receiving so much love from two dogs that morning, including a super friendly throwback Pomeranian! Fortunately, the place I stayed was only 20 minutes away from the Magic Kingdom, so I was back in the park a bit after noon. The first thing I did was listen to the Dapper Dans again. That cheered me up a lot, as did riding the train all the way around the park shortly after. I wish I’d met Winnie the Pooh and Tigger after riding The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh right next to their meet-and-greet. Still, I had a blast on that classic ride.

Things took a bad turn a few hours after I got to the park. Nearby lightning resulted in temporary shutdowns of both the Liberty Belle and Tom Sawyer Island. Although I ended up taking two rides on the Liberty Belle that day, I didn’t get to explore Tom Sawyer Island on the final day of my trip due to bad weather and time management issues on my part. I also didn’t end up riding Peter Pan’s Flight or the Astro Orbiter at all that weekend, which were the only attractions on my list I didn’t experience. That plus some other negatives had me feeling awful. Fortunately, as I talked about in an earlier post, I cheered up a lot after meeting Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Goofy. Some delicious ice cream, a few more pictures for the memory book, and one last ride on the Carousel of Progress finished my trip. A few hours later, I was back home in my own bed.

Unlike my previous Disney trip in which I just watched MuppetVision 3D at Disney’s Hollywood Studios repeatedly throughout the day, I did almost everything the Magic Kingdom had to offer on this trip. Because of that, and because this was my second solo Disney trip and my first solo Disney trip that lasted more than one day, I did more planning for it than I’ve done for a trip in a long time. I looked up the duration time and average wait time of each attraction I wanted to do, plugged them into a spreadsheet, and came up with a rough estimate of how long it would take me to do them all. I pared the list down a few times until it focused on the attractions I most wanted to do and gave an estimated time to experience all those attractions that seemed possible to complete within two days. Aside from being fun to make and play with, I’m extra glad that the spreadsheet gave me enough confidence that I didn’t buy any Lightning Lane passes or otherwise spend more money in the hope of getting shorter wait times. I’ve almost finished creating a similar spreadsheet for a different Disney trip next month that I’m sure will also serve me quite well there.

This was such a great trip for my inner little kid. Most of the time I was in the Magic Kingdom, I felt like a little kid getting to do as I wanted, see old friends, and have fun in my own time. I especially loved riding the Carousel of Progress on July 4th and hearing the dad character talk about drinking root beer on July 4th before enjoying a root beer float afterward. I’m glad I made that the last attraction of my trip since the final scene reminds me of my grandparents’ house and the grandfather character reminds me so much of my maternal grandfather. I also loved seeing Rover the dog character as he reminded me of my dog Sawyer, especially since he received a gift during the Christmas scene just like how Sawyer received gifts every Christmas.

I’m so glad I got to experience so many nostalgic attractions and try some new ones on this trip. That’s comforting to me since massive changes have already been made to the Rivers of America, Liberty Belle riverboat, Tom Sawyer Island, and the train. Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin will also undergo refurbishment in the near future, so I’m glad I got to ride it while it still matched my memories. I so wish I’d explored Tom Sawyer Island on both days, met Winnie the Pooh and Tigger on the second day, and ridden Peter Pan’s Flight and the Astro Orbiter at some point that weekend. I also wish Big Thunder Mountain Railroad hadn’t been closed for refurbishment as that was the only attraction I wanted to do that I couldn’t do at all on either day. Still, I had fun with everything I did get to do. If I end up going back to the Magic Kingdom, I will prioritize any attraction I wanted to do this time and didn’t end up doing as long as it is open on my next trip. I think I’ll go back again someday. Even though this was meant to be my final visit to the Magic Kingdom, I had such a wonderful time despite the difficult moments and felt such lovely nostalgia that the thought of never going back again devastates me. Since I got back, just thinking about the good experiences makes me smile and cheers me up when I’m feeling down (as did writing this post). I’m glad this trip was as good as it was, and I hope the next one will be even better.

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Transactions and Relationships

Posted on July 16, 2025 by admin

Much as I hate to admit it, I find transactional relationships much easier and less stressful than non-transactional relationships. Here’s what I mean.

By “transactional,” I mean relationships that are mostly or even exclusively based on what one or both participants can do for the other. For example, A is buying groceries and B is ringing up those groceries. Neither one needs to know much about the other, and neither probably cares much about the other outside of the transaction. That isn’t needed for the transaction to be successful. In contrast, a “non-transactional” relationship would be one that isn’t based on either participant doing something for the other. Friendships are a good example. Two friends can go for extended periods of time without interacting and pick up right where they left off. They might have lots of lighthearted moments rather than focus solely on helping each other through challenging situations. However, they are much more likely than transactional relationships to feature heavier moments, greater challenges, and each participant hurting the other at some point (even if the hurt was unintentional and unknown by the one who did it until the other brought it up). As such, non-transactional relationships are much more stressful to me than transactional relationships.

There’s not much involved in giving someone information I have or helping them do something I can easily do. Such interactions are also generally pretty quick, and I might never again see someone I’ve assisted, especially if I’ve done so in a job setting. In contrast, non-transactional relationships are much deeper and require much more nuance, understanding, important (and often difficult) conversations, patience, and overall work. They also take a lot of time to develop and deepen, and they can last for an entire lifetime. I suspect that that’s why non-transactional relationships can also drain me much faster and much more thoroughly than transactional relationships.

However, there is a downside to transactional relationships. They will sometimes disguise themselves as deeper relationships. Lots of humans I’ve known have used me for what they wanted (control, peace, venting, gossiping, etc.) and not wanted anything deeper with me. While some make their intentions clear from the start, it sometimes takes a long time for me to realize that someone only cares about me as long as I can help them get what they want. It’s always hurt to find that someone I cared deeply about only saw me as a means to their various ends and had little to no interest in me outside of that (and such folks have often left me when I no longer was useful to them).

This applies almost exclusively to human relationships. With animals, I find non-transactional relationships incredibly easy. Whether I’ve known a particular animal for a long time or we’ve just met, we get along famously. That was certainly the case with my dog Sawyer, and he helped me feel much more comfortable around animals in general, especially dogs of all sizes. When almost everyone else I knew wanted to get something out of me, Sawyer just showed me love, kindness, consideration, and compassion. I wish all of my relationships were that way.

Unfortunately, humans seem to be seeking transactional relationships more all the time as the world continues moving toward greater speed, convenience, and ease. As such, I doubt that I will have more non-transactional relationships over time. All I can do is enjoy the meaningful relationships I do have, minimize the transactional relationships as much as possible, and continue appreciating my own company when nobody else is around.

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2 Mice, 2 Ducks, and a Dog

Posted on July 9, 2025 by admin

I got back early Sunday morning from a trip to the Magic Kingdom in Disney World. While it was amazing, there were some painful times that I’d rather not discuss (aside from saying that I cried in a bathroom stall when I hit my breaking point). Fortunately, I felt upset in one of the best places in the world in which to feel upset. Here’s what I mean.

After a good cry, I decided to meet some of the costumed characters. On my way over to Main Street, Grayson the pianist cheered me up by playing some Muppet songs that somebody else requested and “Step in Time” (along with a medley of other Mary Poppins songs) that I requested. I then met Mickey Mouse at the Town Square Theatre. We high-fived, hugged, took some pictures together, and he signed my park map. I felt so good after that that I decided to go meet some other characters. Unfortunately, although I had noticed Winnie the Pooh and Tigger next to the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh ride earlier, the opportunity to meet them had already ended for the day by the time I went back over there. I carried on and got to meet Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Goofy in Mickey’s Storybook Circus. Just like with the Mickey meeting, we hugged, high-fived, shook hands, posed for pictures, and talked a bit. They all really cheered me up during the hardest part of my trip. When I went back to meet Mickey a second time later on, I told him how much better they all made me feel when I was feeling really upset earlier. He listened intently while quietly showing me support and then drew me a heart in the air with his hands! That made my whole day, and I’d even say it made my whole trip.

I felt more loved and valued from those wonderful character moments than I have from most humans I’ve known throughout my life. I teared up while talking to Mickey during our second visit and cried pretty well from joy later on. Since none of those characters speak when they’re interacting with guests, there wasn’t the opportunity for any of them to start talking about their own pain or anything else along those lines when I shared my feelings. There was also no unsolicited advice, “good vibes only” stuff, or anything similar that almost everyone I know compulsively resorts to when I talk about feeling upset or having a hard time. Quiet support, kindness, hugs, and love were what they all gave me. That’s exactly what I wanted and needed. I appreciate them for making me feel so much better.

Those character experiences reminded me of a few things. One of them is how much better I feel after good hugs. I don’t get enough good hugs in regular life, so getting ten or more great hugs in one day made me feel wonderful. The other is that I still feel like a kid in a grownup body. Just as it doesn’t take much to make me smile, neither does it take much to make me feel awful. Since the world is full of mean humans (and since I have to deal with one of them at my job), I wish I could opt out of adulthood and become a little kid again. I wish I could play all day with my stuffed animals while going to Disney World regularly and then tell my grandparents about my trip at their house as we’re all hanging out with my dog Sawyer. It hurts whenever I remember that those days are gone forever, at least for my remaining time on Earth. I hope I’ll find something like that after I die.

I’m so glad I got to have those wonderful character moments. They saved my trip, and they were among my favorite experiences in the Magic Kingdom last weekend. I hope to have many more such comforting experiences, and I’d love it if they came from those close to me without my having to beg and plead for them. That’d be much easier, cheaper, and overall more convenient than driving hours to an expensive theme park to get them. I guess time will show who cares about me more: those close to me who claim to appreciate me or strangers who go above and beyond at their jobs.

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The Life I’ll Never Know

Posted on July 2, 2025 by admin

My maternal grandparents lived a wonderful life together. After getting married shortly out of high school, they raised two kids, moved around some before settling into their final home in rural Ocala, and managed to retire after many years of working despite both of them being born about halfway through the Great Depression. Their golden years were spent with neighbors, friends, and family members, including several grandkids and great grandkids. They essentially lived the American Dream, and I’m so glad they did since they’re some of the best humans I’ve ever known.

Unfortunately, while I wish I could have a similar life, I fear I never will. At least parts of it. Despite getting a much later start than my grandparents regarding work, I feel confident that I can have a nice retirement if I keep working, saving, and investing as I have this year. It’s the family that I believe I will miss out on. This is largely due to my aversion to the risk of romantic rejection. I have such fear of it because it’s second only to my loved ones dying as far as the most painful emotional experience I’ve had. Almost every time I’ve been turned down romantically, it has been so devastatingly painful that it’s either felt like dying or made me wish I were dying.

I don’t understand how some people can go from relationship to relationship with seemingly only minor pain when one ends. My one romantic relationship ended in 2015, and it took years before the pain decreased substantially (mostly because I avoided addressing the pain for a long time). The few relationships I’ve attempted to start since then have all ended before they began with crushing rejections; even when I was let down gently, the pain was still severe, and it’s never gotten easier to handle. Unless by some miracle I lose that extreme sensitivity to romantic rejection, I don’t see how marriage, kids, grandkids, or anything along those lines will ever be part of my life.

“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.” Much as I love that quote from Lewis Mumford and much as everyone who’s seen a picture of my grandfather says we look alike, I’ve come to realize that we’re two very different people. As such, our lives were bound to be quite different in many ways. I still take comfort in thinking about my grandparents, their beautiful house, all the wonderful times we shared, and this beautiful song that reminds me of them and the life they lived together for over sixty years. If I’m not meant to have that kind of life, then I’ll fondly reminisce about them, my dog Sawyer, and other wonderful folks and memories from my past while doing what I can with the life I am meant to have.

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Mid-Year Goal Check-in

Posted on June 25, 2025 by admin

Every December, I review how I did with my goals for the previous year. While I’m still going to do that this December, I wanted to take a look at how my goals for this year have gone so far since we’re about halfway through 2025. There’s been a lot of changes and differences already from how I thought things would go. Without further ado, here’s how things look at this point.

  1. Have more important conversations. Of the three goals in this list, this one has seen the least progress thus far. If anything, my conversational skills have regressed. I have far less patience than I did even at the start of this year, I’m still inclined to push away and ignore people who’ve unintentionally hurt me in small ways rather than talk with them, and I tend to say more of what’s on my mind with less regard for how it comes across. It only seems to get harder to have important, healing conversations over time, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to it at this point. As such, I worry about the fate of my current and future relationships.

  2. Thrive financially. Without a doubt, this is my most successful goal at this point. My financial situation is much better than it’s been in a long time thanks to the job I started back in April. It’s still steadily improving even after getting some car work done and going to Disney World to say goodbye to the Muppets last month. This has been a huge relief. While there’s still quite a way to go before my financial situation is where it was at its peak, every month it gets a little closer to that point. I’m so thankful for that.

  3. Heal other pain. This one is a mixed bag. Most of the pain from my dog Sawyer’s death is gone, thank goodness. Unfortunately, I still have pain from my grandmother’s death, losing access to my grandparents’ house, many negative experiences with a coworker, and plenty of wounds from early in life that often seem as if they’ll never heal. Being so busy at work means that I have far less time for lying down and letting go. I do take advantage of opportunities as they arise during the work week, such as in my car before work starts and on my lunch break. I also tend to do more letting go sessions on the weekends. All of those help tremendously, though it still seems as slow as trying to dig myself out from underneath a giant pile of dirt with a spoon. Even if the process seems endless, I hope that I’ll make more progress each year until I’m finally free.
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More About the Calm After the Storm

Posted on June 18, 2025 by admin

Since I live in Florida, I’ve long dealt with hurricanes. Fortunately, the worst I and my close family members tend to experience are some temporary power outages and lots of debris from fallen branches. When this happens, time seems to slow to a crawl or even stop altogether. If the storm was bad enough, then normal routines are so disrupted that nothing of the usual sort is expected to continue, even if it could do so (such as going to work or school, completing projects that would have been due shortly after the storm, etc.).

There’s always something interesting and, in some ways, fun about those times. Whether it’s because normal routines are disrupted, memories from storms that resulted in school being canceled for several days come flooding back, or it seems like indoor camping (using flashlights and sometimes generators when the power goes out), there’s a big element of intrigue for me whenever that happens. I almost look forward to it at times, along with the sense of calm that comes once the storm passes and the wind, rain, thunder, lightning, and everything else that came with the storm stops.

This applies to emotional storms as well. There wasn’t much to do after my dog Sawyer’s death. I had lots of time to rest, mourn, cry, grieve, yell, and develop routines that kept me going when I often thought I wouldn’t. All this without having to show up to a job, go to school, or fulfill any other big obligations I’d made while Sawyer was still alive. Essentially, I could put almost everything on pause for a long period of time while I slowly got back on my feet. I’m convinced that all that time to grieve and feel through everything that came up is why I’m doing as well as I am, and why I even made it through that painful time in the first place. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had had to go right back to a stressful job, frustrating class, or other difficult situation while still drowning in sorrow.

There was also some relief in that after Sawyer died, I no longer had to wonder what it would be like, how his death would happen, or if it would happen while I was away from him. Although that relief may have been small, I’ll take any kind of relief I can get. It was incredibly difficult to get much of any relief for the longest time after Sawyer’s death, so even a small amount was welcome.

I find it helpful to look back on various painful situations I somehow got through whenever I’m in the middle of an emotional storm. Doing so can remind me of tools that helped me through past storms and allows me to use them to weather any current storms. It also shows me that even the longest storms eventually end, and that I’ve made it through many that I thought would end me. Since I tend to catastrophize almost everything, even small problems can seem disastrous while I’m going through them. While getting through some incredibly long, painful storms in the past doesn’t necessarily bring me comfort in the midst of my current storms, it has given me a way to navigate them more successfully. Sometimes that’s all I need.

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