The Life I’ll Never Know

Posted on July 2, 2025 by admin

My maternal grandparents lived a wonderful life together. After getting married shortly out of high school, they raised two kids, moved around some before settling into their final home in rural Ocala, and managed to retire after many years of working despite both of them being born about halfway through the Great Depression. Their golden years were spent with neighbors, friends, and family members, including several grandkids and great grandkids. They essentially lived the American Dream, and I’m so glad they did since they’re some of the best humans I’ve ever known.

Unfortunately, while I wish I could have a similar life, I fear I never will. At least parts of it. Despite getting a much later start than my grandparents regarding work, I feel confident that I can have a nice retirement if I keep working, saving, and investing as I have this year. It’s the family that I believe I will miss out on. This is largely due to my aversion to the risk of romantic rejection. I have such fear of it because it’s second only to my loved ones dying as far as the most painful emotional experience I’ve had. Almost every time I’ve been turned down romantically, it has been so devastatingly painful that it’s either felt like dying or made me wish I were dying.

I don’t understand how some people can go from relationship to relationship with seemingly only minor pain when one ends. My one romantic relationship ended in 2015, and it took years before the pain decreased substantially (mostly because I avoided addressing the pain for a long time). The few relationships I’ve attempted to start since then have all ended before they began with crushing rejections; even when I was let down gently, the pain was still severe, and it’s never gotten easier to handle. Unless by some miracle I lose that extreme sensitivity to romantic rejection, I don’t see how marriage, kids, grandkids, or anything along those lines will ever be part of my life.

“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.” Much as I love that quote from Lewis Mumford and much as everyone who’s seen a picture of my grandfather says we look alike, I’ve come to realize that we’re two very different people. As such, our lives were bound to be quite different in many ways. I still take comfort in thinking about my grandparents, their beautiful house, all the wonderful times we shared, and this beautiful song that reminds me of them and the life they lived together for over sixty years. If I’m not meant to have that kind of life, then I’ll fondly reminisce about them, my dog Sawyer, and other wonderful folks and memories from my past while doing what I can with the life I am meant to have.

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Mid-Year Goal Check-in

Posted on June 25, 2025 by admin

Every December, I review how I did with my goals for the previous year. While I’m still going to do that this December, I wanted to take a look at how my goals for this year have gone so far since we’re about halfway through 2025. There’s been a lot of changes and differences already from how I thought things would go. Without further ado, here’s how things look at this point.

  1. Have more important conversations. Of the three goals in this list, this one has seen the least progress thus far. If anything, my conversational skills have regressed. I have far less patience than I did even at the start of this year, I’m still inclined to push away and ignore people who’ve unintentionally hurt me in small ways rather than talk with them, and I tend to say more of what’s on my mind with less regard for how it comes across. It only seems to get harder to have important, healing conversations over time, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to it at this point. As such, I worry about the fate of my current and future relationships.

  2. Thrive financially. Without a doubt, this is my most successful goal at this point. My financial situation is much better than it’s been in a long time thanks to the job I started back in April. It’s still steadily improving even after getting some car work done and going to Disney World to say goodbye to the Muppets last month. This has been a huge relief. While there’s still quite a way to go before my financial situation is where it was at its peak, every month it gets a little closer to that point. I’m so thankful for that.

  3. Heal other pain. This one is a mixed bag. Most of the pain from my dog Sawyer’s death is gone, thank goodness. Unfortunately, I still have pain from my grandmother’s death, losing access to my grandparents’ house, many negative experiences with a coworker, and plenty of wounds from early in life that often seem as if they’ll never heal. Being so busy at work means that I have far less time for lying down and letting go. I do take advantage of opportunities as they arise during the work week, such as in my car before work starts and on my lunch break. I also tend to do more letting go sessions on the weekends. All of those help tremendously, though it still seems as slow as trying to dig myself out from underneath a giant pile of dirt with a spoon. Even if the process seems endless, I hope that I’ll make more progress each year until I’m finally free.
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More About the Calm After the Storm

Posted on June 18, 2025 by admin

Since I live in Florida, I’ve long dealt with hurricanes. Fortunately, the worst I and my close family members tend to experience are some temporary power outages and lots of debris from fallen branches. When this happens, time seems to slow to a crawl or even stop altogether. If the storm was bad enough, then normal routines are so disrupted that nothing of the usual sort is expected to continue, even if it could do so (such as going to work or school, completing projects that would have been due shortly after the storm, etc.).

There’s always something interesting and, in some ways, fun about those times. Whether it’s because normal routines are disrupted, memories from storms that resulted in school being canceled for several days come flooding back, or it seems like indoor camping (using flashlights and sometimes generators when the power goes out), there’s a big element of intrigue for me whenever that happens. I almost look forward to it at times, along with the sense of calm that comes once the storm passes and the wind, rain, thunder, lightning, and everything else that came with the storm stops.

This applies to emotional storms as well. There wasn’t much to do after my dog Sawyer’s death. I had lots of time to rest, mourn, cry, grieve, yell, and develop routines that kept me going when I often thought I wouldn’t. All this without having to show up to a job, go to school, or fulfill any other big obligations I’d made while Sawyer was still alive. Essentially, I could put almost everything on pause for a long period of time while I slowly got back on my feet. I’m convinced that all that time to grieve and feel through everything that came up is why I’m doing as well as I am, and why I even made it through that painful time in the first place. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had had to go right back to a stressful job, frustrating class, or other difficult situation while still drowning in sorrow.

There was also some relief in that after Sawyer died, I no longer had to wonder what it would be like, how his death would happen, or if it would happen while I was away from him. Although that relief may have been small, I’ll take any kind of relief I can get. It was incredibly difficult to get much of any relief for the longest time after Sawyer’s death, so even a small amount was welcome.

I find it helpful to look back on various painful situations I somehow got through whenever I’m in the middle of an emotional storm. Doing so can remind me of tools that helped me through past storms and allows me to use them to weather any current storms. It also shows me that even the longest storms eventually end, and that I’ve made it through many that I thought would end me. Since I tend to catastrophize almost everything, even small problems can seem disastrous while I’m going through them. While getting through some incredibly long, painful storms in the past doesn’t necessarily bring me comfort in the midst of my current storms, it has given me a way to navigate them more successfully. Sometimes that’s all I need.

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A Few Questions

Posted on June 11, 2025 by admin

I just have a few questions.

Is there room for my sadness, sorrow, and depression?

Are you sick of hearing about the deaths of my grandparents, my dog Sawyer, or any other painful losses I’m still struggling to overcome?

Can you hear me out without trying to correct me, change my mind, alter my emotional state, or “fix” me?

Or learn that I’m feeling miserable without making jokes about it?

If I express anger after a long time of holding it in, will you abandon me?

Can I get some attention when I need some support, or will you talk only about yourself and everyone else except me?

Why do you always take center stage in every conversation while I’m relegated to being your audience?

Are you so uninterested in what I have to say that you’ll trample over my sentences instead of hearing me out?

Am I only a garbage can into which you can vomit all your opinions, gossip, and annoyances?

Am I enough for you?

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Tribute to Muppetvision 3D

Posted on June 4, 2025 by admin

Last Saturday, I went to Disney World to see a fun show called MuppetVision 3D. I made the most of my day since I love the Muppets, MuppetVision 3D is my favorite attraction at Disney World, and it’s closing forever on June 7th. As such, anyone reading this who would like to see it at least once while it’s still here has only a few days left to do so. In this post, I’ll recount my experiences with what will most likely be my last time getting to see MuppetVision 3D and visiting Muppets Courtyard (technically Grand Park, though I’ll call it Muppets Courtyard as that was once its name and I much prefer it). I’ll avoid giving a thorough synopsis of the show as I have a lot to talk about. In short, the Muppets are demonstrating a new 3D technology called MuppetVision 3D. In typical Muppets fashion, things go wrong in the best way possible. If you haven’t seen MuppetVision 3D, you can get a full synopsis of it here. Better yet, watch it here. Best yet, check it out for yourself in person at Disney’s Hollywood Studios while it’s still open if you have the time and money. Without further ado, it’s time to get things started.

I left the house around 6:45 that morning. It helps that I only live about two and a half hours away from Disney World. I listened to lots of Muppet songs (including songs from Jim Henson’s memorial, “Moving Right Along,” “Ain’t No Road Too Long,” “The Garden Song,” “Pictures in My Head,” “Follow Me,” “Rainbow Connection,” and “Rainbow Connection Reprise”) and shed many tears on the drive down. While I had wanted to get there when the park opened at 9, I ended up getting there around 9:30. Although the day started off rainy, it only took a few hours for the rain to stop and the sun to come out. Neither the rain nor the sun nor the heat bothered me much as I was inside for most of the day.

I felt so much nostalgia upon seeing the Disney World welcome sign, Tower of Terror, front entrance, and other cool stuff in the park that I hadn’t seen in almost a decade. After grabbing a map and doing a bit of sightseeing near the front of the park, I went straight to the Chinese Theatre replica to see handprints and signatures of Jim Henson and Kermit the Frog! My next stop was Muppets Courtyard. I watched MuppetVision 3D repeatedly (about 18 times total) over the course of the day, including that day’s final show. Watching it so many times allowed me to enjoy the many jokes and Muppet Easter eggs, see smaller details I’d never noticed before, commit much of the show to memory, photograph everything a little bit at a time, enjoy several different Muppet songs while waiting in line (including “I’m Going to Go Back There Someday,” “Moving Right Along,” “Couldn’t We Ride,” “Rainbow Connection,” and “Rainbow Connection Reprise” right before the last show of the day), and relive some fond memories from my youth.

I got lots of pictures of the whole Muppets Courtyard area throughout the day, including the inside and outside of the building housing MuppetVision 3D, the Stage 1 Company Store that used to have Muppet props and merchandise inside and still has lots of cool Muppet decorations on the outside, the PizzeRizzo restaurant, the defunct Mama Melrose restaurant, and the Miss Piggy water fountain near the front of that area. In a great spirit of camaraderie, people who’d never crossed paths before that day took pictures for each other. I got to participate in this by taking some pictures for other folks and they took some for me as well.

Later in the afternoon, I stopped for lunch at PizzeRizzo. That was my first time ever eating there, although I did eat there many times as a little kid when its theming was Pizza Planet after the restaurant in Toy Story. I had some good pizza and root beer, decent salad, and a delicious cannoli. Once I finished lunch and took some pictures around the restaurant, I asked someone working there if I could take a picture with the Rizzo plushie I saw earlier. She said that Rizzo was making pizzas in the back and would be busy for quite a while. So instead, I got to take pictures with a Kermit plushie outside the restaurant! That was even better since Kermit is my favorite Muppet! I felt overjoyed to get several pictures with him. That was one of the most pleasant surprises and biggest highlights of my day.

After the last show, I spent some extra time in the theatre. I’ve always loved going in there as it looks like the theatre from The Muppet Show. I and several other guests stayed there for some final memories until the cast members politely ushered us out. The last picture I got in the theatre was a rainbow painting from the waiting area that reminded me of “Rainbow Connection.” What a lovely way to close it out! I then got a few more lovely nighttime pictures of Muppets Courtyard before my phone died. Since I still wanted to get a few more pictures, a few kind souls took some pictures of me in front of the fountain and the MuppetVision 3D building with their phones before emailing them to me. We had some nice conversations, one of which made me aware of some Muppets pressed pennies available nearby. I decided to get them as lovely souvenirs! Once I said my final goodbyes to Muppets Courtyard, I walked away for the last time and cried while singing “I Don’t Want to Live on the Moon” as a crescent moon smiled down on me by Echo Lake near the front of the park. One quick tram ride later, I found my car, got my phone charged up enough to drive away, and headed home.

There were only a few negatives about my day. Since I got there about half an hour later than I had wanted, I had less time for everything than I’d have had if I’d arrived right as the park opened. I felt sad about not getting a picture with the Sweetums performer or the Rizzo plushie, and that the Christmas store called It’s a Wonderful Shop seemed to be closed. After my trip, I learned that there was a funny sign near the exit of MuppetVision 3D and possibly some other fun Muppet stuff that I didn’t notice, and thus didn’t photograph. That also greatly saddened me. My phone dying shortly before I left the park made things a little more difficult than if it had had enough power for the whole day. If I could do it over again, I’d have arrived earlier, asked earlier about getting a picture with Rizzo, made sure to photograph even more, and done more to keep my phone powered (used it less, turned down the screen brightness, put it on airplane mode for much of the day, and maybe even brought a portable power pack).

Toward the end of Jim Henson’s life, he was working on a deal with Disney that would create a whole Muppets land for Disney’s Hollywood Studios. After his death, however, all the Muppets got was a few short-lived stage shows, a courtyard containing MuppetVision 3D, a store selling Muppet merchandise, some fun pictures and music throughout the area, and, eventually, the PizzeRizzo restaurant. While I would have loved to have seen what would have happened had the original plans come to fruition, I am glad that the Muppets have as much as they do now. I feel sad that it will soon be taken away, especially since MuppetVision 3D was the last big project Jim Henson worked on during his life (and it opened exactly one year after his death).

I also worry about what will happen to all of the Muppet stuff after Muppets Courtyard closes. There is a long history of either destroying old Disney props, attractions, and at least one water park or leaving them to sit and rot. I fear any or all of those might happen to the props, pictures, animatronics, costumes, signage, and other fun Muppet memorabilia, especially since this already happened to the beautiful Kermit hot air balloon that used to sit atop the building housing MuppetVision 3D. I feel particularly concerned for the lovely, ornate carvings inside the theatre. Lots of attention, creativity, detail, and love went into those and other works of art in Muppets Courtyard, and I hope that they will all be well cared for long after Muppets Courtyard closes. This could happen if they’re moved somewhere else on Disney property (whether to be used in a new Muppets attraction or put on display) or given to someone who will lovingly preserve them as they are now.

Additional sadness came from knowing that this would be my first Disney trip since my dog Sawyer died. Him not being at home to greet me makes every return trip in general life that much more painful, and this one was no exception. I believe this was also my first Disney trip since both of my maternal grandparents died, and possibly my first one since my maternal grandfather died. I sometimes reminisce about being a little kid and going to visit my grandparents, spending a day or two at Disney World, and then returning to their house to tell them about our trip. There is lots of nostalgia around all of that, and I’ll never get to experience it again. That hurts even more than the loss of Muppets Courtyard and so much other stuff I loved about the Disney parks.

Overall, it was a lovely, sad, fun, and heartbreaking day. The Muppets had their usual display of humor and heart, and I thought that MuppetVision 3D held up well despite being around for so long. I’m so glad I went to see MuppetVision 3D, eat at PizzeRizzo, say goodbye to Muppets Courtyard, and pay my respects one final time. It warmed my heart to witness so many people having so much fun and getting so into it by wearing Muppets themed clothes, taking pictures and videos for each other, clapping, cheering, laughing, reciting lines, watching the show multiple times, and otherwise enjoying the Muppets throughout the day as we all shared the Muppet magic for one last time. There’s still lots of love for the Muppets, even 70 years after their television debut and 34 years after MuppetVision 3D opened. I wish that that whole area would stick around so that Muppet fans of all ages could enjoy it for many generations to come. If you love the Muppets and have any interest in checking this out before it’s gone, please do yourself a favor and visit. Whether that will be your first visit or the most recent of many, you’ll have a great time and make wonderful memories that will last you the rest of your life.

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The Harms of Excessive Criticism

Posted on May 28, 2025 by admin

One of the things I hate receiving from others more than almost anything else is criticism. Looking back, so many of my interactions growing up involved heavy criticism, both of who I was and what I did. This came from family members (whether older or younger than me), classmates, teachers, and others who worked at school. Much of the criticism seemed endless, with whoever was forcing it upon me going on and on at great length while I was expected to sit there quietly and take it. Even when it didn’t reach those extremes, my many critics would still often belabor the point; they’d spend minutes rehashing something they could easily have said in under thirty seconds and explain things four or five different ways when one way sufficed.

Unfortunately, while I received mountains of criticism when I was growing up, it has also followed me into adulthood. I’ve been heavily criticized at different jobs by customers, coworkers, and those above me in the company hierarchy. Criticism has flowed so much in my different hobbies and interests, both from those more skilled than me and from those less skilled. The vast majority of this criticism has been unsolicited, much of it was useless, and a fair amount happened in public or semi-public places instead of in private. All of that makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed, and resentful of the critics.

While I criticize a lot of ideas and group actions, I almost never criticize individual humans, especially in a group situation. This is especially the case when I’m teaching or helping someone with an activity I know pretty well, such as juggling. In those cases, I’ll point out the positives and encourage them to do more of that rather than just telling them what not to do. In addition to being much easier to hear, that also is much more practical since there are endless wrong ways to do anything, so just telling them not to do things repeatedly doesn’t get them closer to how to do it properly. I also only offer feedback if someone requests it and I make sure to avoid embarrassing the person, especially if others are around.

Simply put, excessive criticism hurts me. When someone criticizes almost everything I do and almost never compliments me, I feel so discouraged and demoralized, as if I can’t do anything right. Rather than encouraging me to do better in order to please the critic or show them up by doing something they thought I couldn’t, the guilt, shame, embarrassment, confusion, and disappointment that heavy criticism brings with it all make me want to quit or say, “Do it yourself!” Criticism also makes me wonder why any critic asks me to do anything if they always want me to do it differently and never give me credit, even managing to seemingly go out of their way to criticize me when I do something the way they want it done!

When one or more humans hang out in a casual situation, criticism is almost always unnecessary. There’s no need for anyone to criticize another’s taste in food, drink, music, movies, TV, books, general entertainment, hobbies, interests, clothes, fashion, or anything else. With subjective preferences, nobody is right or wrong in what they enjoy, and criticism just makes the critic look silly. Unfortunately, criticism seems incessant in most human interactions nowadays (gossip, venting, complaining, unsolicited advice, mockery, sarcasm, condescension, excessive opinions, etc.), which is why I prefer my own company most of the time.

I reckon this is a big part of why I was so gentle with my dog Sawyer. Aside from how he made it easy to love him and be kind to him, we both got criticized excessively, and I wanted to give him more compassion, understanding, and patience. I’m sure that’s part of how we got as close as we did and remained close friends until his death. That’s a trait that my closest human family members and friends also share: lots of compliments, little criticism, and gentleness when criticism does arise. I wish everyone else would learn from these beautiful souls and be kinder and less critical toward those around them. Much as I hope that happens, I’m not holding my breath for it.

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My Defunctland

Posted on May 21, 2025 by admin

One of my favorite YouTube channels is called Defunctland. Although its creator currently makes videos talking about a variety of attractions and media that are no longer around, the channel’s early focus was quite different. Alongside the YouTube videos, Defunctland started out as a virtual theme park containing virtual recreations of rides, shows, and other attractions that were removed from real-life theme parks. Anyone who accessed Defunctland would be able to virtually experience those attractions long after they were gone from the real world.

Similarly to my idea of a life buffet, I would love a real version of Defunctland that contained all the wonderful animals, humans, places, events, and objects that I’ve lost. My Defunctland would be me as a little kid enjoying a perpetual summer. Instead of having to go to school or work, I could hang out all the time with my dog Sawyer, go on fun trips, visit with family members on a regular basis, and just enjoy life with everyone. Endless days doing what I love with whom I love. What could be better?

This has been on my mind a lot lately because of some big changes happening at Disney World. Lots of attractions I love have either already closed this year or will be closing sometime in the next year or two. The one I feel saddest about losing is MuppetVision 3D, which is a fun show featuring the Muppets and which combines film, animatronics, CGI, a live costumed performer, and plenty of special and practical effects. I’ve always loved Muppets, this particular attraction, and the nice feelings in the Muppets Courtyard part of the park. The fact that it opened one year to the day after Jim Henson’s death and was his last big project during his life adds even more sentimentality to MuppetVision 3D for me. Unfortunately, both it and the nearby PizzeRizzo restaurant are both closing forever soon (although they’re still open at the time of this writing in case you’d like to check them out before they’re gone). I’ve purchased a ticket to go check them out at the end of this month before they’re only memories. I plan to eat at PizzeRizzo for lunch (which will be my first, and likely last, time there) and watch MuppetVision 3D as many times as possible while getting plenty of pictures and videos from the entirety of Muppets Courtyard. I’m sure it will be a bittersweet trip, with plenty of laughter and tears. You can read about my trip after I post about it in early June.

The loss of MuppetVision 3D will be the latest in a long line of painful losses going back more than five years at this point. It seems that everything I enjoyed as a little kid through to when I was a young adult is slowly but surely being taken away from me. I’ve likely written before about how that will only continue as I get older and have to say goodbye to more friends, family members, animal friends, and more. Whether through changing life situations, falling out, death, or something else, I will eventually lose everything and everyone I care about, either while I’m still on Earth or after I die. When my time does come, I’d feel delighted to find that I get to live forever with everyone and everything I’ve ever known and loved exactly as they were during my life. Even if that doesn’t happen, the idea of it brings me immense comfort and makes me want to spend more time with beloved humans, animals, and things before it’s too late.

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A Letter to Myself

Posted on May 14, 2025 by admin

Dear Ian,

Things are hard for you now. In some way, they’ve always been hard. I wish I could say that it’ll all get easier. Unfortunately, while some things will get much better, others will get far worse. I’ll tell you about some of those things before ending with some good news.

You’re used to having good years and bad years close to each other. In fact, for a while, every good year was followed by a bad year and vice versa. However, the painful truth is that you’ll go through a five-year period that contains three bad years in a row and one decent year before a fourth bad year. That will be the most painful, trying time of your life, and you’ll wonder during the hardest years how you’ll ever make it through.

As you might expect, the hardest things you’ll encounter, both during that long stretch of bad years and outside of it, will be the deaths of your loved ones. It’ll be incredibly hard to lose your grandparents, a few friends and acquaintances, and a family member’s beloved cat Buddy. Most painful of all will be our dog Sawyer’s death. No matter how hard you think that will be, it will be even worse than you can imagine. You’ll cry nearly all day, every day for months on end. You’ll develop routines that help you get by, including looking at pictures and videos of Sawyer each day. The pain will knock you down for almost two years, and you’ll go for almost a year wondering if the pain will ever get significantly better. Some humans will tell you that it won’t. You can take comfort in the fact that everyone who says, “The pain never goes away” is wrong. Although it will take a long time and a lot of crying, keep doing the work and you’ll feel much better within a few months, and significantly better within a few years.

You’ve also struggled a lot financially since you first joined the working world. That, too, will get better. Good jobs are on the horizon, and you’ll get back to a good financial place sooner than you know. Even before then, you’ll still always have enough to get by from performing gigs, random gifts and donations, and some odd jobs for folks you know.

Now let’s talk about one of your biggest lifelong struggles: people pleasing. For as long as you can remember, you’ve done nearly anything to make others like you and accept you, to your own detriment. Although this is a struggle that at times seems endless, you will gradually feel more comfortable being yourself and become less interested in the approval of others. Keep releasing guilt, shame, and self-hatred as you also welcome joy, peace, and love for yourself. Though this road is long, it does have an end, and you’ll get much further along it than you ever thought possible.

If you could see where we are now, you’d be amazed. While you almost always want to make more progress and often feel unsatisfied wherever you are, I’m so thankful for how far we’ve come, and I can’t wait for you to see it. I admire you for persevering despite all the bad hands life has dealt you, and I’m always here for you. We’ll get through whatever life throws at us together, just as we always have.

Love,

Ian

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A Look Back

Posted on May 7, 2025 by admin

Last Saturday, I worked at a senior prom for local students. During some moments when things were going well and no work needed to be done for a while, I started reminiscing about my high school proms. Aside from my nice rental suits and lots of fun dancing with my schoolmates, I don’t remember much about the proms. I actually remember the homecoming dances a bit better, perhaps because they were in the school gymnasium and were less formal than the proms were. In any event, all those dances gave me some fun times and nice memories.

While I don’t miss high school overall and I’m glad to be done with it, I do miss many of the nice things that happened both at school and outside of it during that time of my life. Aside from the school dances, there were several trips I enjoyed a lot, especially the senior trips where we went skiing in winter and to Disney World around spring break. Some of the things outside of school that I miss include having lots of free time, no bills, few responsibilities, and a super predictable life. Things were much simpler and more routine for me back then, and I miss how easy things seemed overall, both at the time and looking back now.

Something more significant I miss is how unaware I was as a kid and teenager of how awful humans can be toward each other, especially in daily life. Throughout almost every regular job I’ve had, some performing gigs, random stranger encounters, and even interactions with friends/acquaintances and family members, I’ve learned so much since high school graduation about the depths to which the average person can sink. Everything from deception to manipulation to gaslighting to gossip to violence and then some. While there were some glimpses of the darker side of humanity while I was in high school, it was nothing compared to what I’ve learned, seen, and experienced firsthand since. Encountering it or even just thinking about it often demolishes my optimism and hope for the future.

Most of all, I miss my dog Sawyer, my grandparents, and other loved ones who were alive when I was in high school but have died since. I’m at a point in my healing journey that I sometimes forget they’ve died; whenever that happens, it’s always a hard slap in the face of a reminder that they’re gone and I’ll never see them again on Earth. Whether through death, moving away, or simply by giving up on me, it seems that I am slowly losing the most caring, loving, and supportive people in my life, humans and animals alike. And that’s only going to get worse as I get older.

Some folks are said to have peaked in high school, meaning that that was their best, most enjoyable, and most successful time in their life. I do relate to that idea to a point, which is a bit funny considering I was one of two students in my graduating class voted most likely to succeed. Despite missing much from that period of my life, I don’t think much about it, and I talk about it even less frequently. When I do, it seems like another life, considering how much has changed since then, both for better and for worse. I never had any idea of how my life after high school would be, and I still have far more questions than answers in that area. Even if I had thought through possible futures back then, I would never have guessed that this is where I’d be now, or that I’d have gotten here the way I did. Things have been pretty weird and painful for me in the thirteen years since I graduated high school. I hope the next thirteen years will be more enjoyable and peaceful.

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Review of April 2025

Posted on April 30, 2025 by admin

This April was one of the most unusual months I’ve had in a long time. Fortunately, it was also one of the best months I’ve had in a long time. Let’s explore the highlights together, shall we?

Overall, April was tied with February as my least painful month of 2025 so far. It wasn’t painless, however. There was some more pain than usual due to the three-year anniversary of my dog Sawyer’s death. That prompted me to focus more on letting go than I had for quite some time. In addition to starting to reread Letting Go by David Hawkins, I also did more letting go sessions as I could, especially on weekends when I didn’t have to work. That tremendously reduced my emotional pain. Other kinds of pain came from my new job. In some cases, the pain was literal: I replaced the insoles in both my work shoes and my main non-work shoes to give my feet some relief. Fortunately, that worked out wonderfully, and my feet feel much more comfortable both at work and elsewhere. There was also some emotional pain from not knowing how to do the job when I started it, having way less free time, changing my bedtime routines around, and making other big changes due to my new job. That pain went down considerably as I adjusted to my new routines, got a better feel for the job, and felt much more at ease due to having good money coming in regularly once again.

The huge improvement in my financial situation allowed me to resume recurring investment contributions, which is something I hadn’t done since late 2024. I even opened up a Roth IRA! Outside of investments, I joined my local YMCA and started lifting weights again for more strength since my job involves lots of heavy lifting. Although it’ll take time for my strength to go back up, I’m sure it will happen, especially since I’m going about it in a more intelligent way than I did in the past. I also loved being back at the YMCA, which I hadn’t gone to regularly since 2015. The weights, sights, sounds, and even smells brought back some wonderful memories and are great encouragers for me to keep going regularly.

Despite some pain and challenges, I’d say April was my best month of 2025 up to this point. Having a lovely April was such a relief after so much trouble this year and so many painful years in such a short span of time. Beyond so much good happening in April itself, it also sowed the seeds for even more beneficial things to happen in the coming months and years. I look forward to seeing them unfold, especially the wonderful surprises that I haven’t even imagined yet.

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