A Few Questions

Posted on June 11, 2025 by admin

I just have a few questions.

Is there room for my sadness, sorrow, and depression?

Are you sick of hearing about the deaths of my grandparents, my dog Sawyer, or any other painful losses I’m still struggling to overcome?

Can you hear me out without trying to correct me, change my mind, alter my emotional state, or “fix” me?

Or learn that I’m feeling miserable without making jokes about it?

If I express anger after a long time of holding it in, will you abandon me?

Can I get some attention when I need some support, or will you talk only about yourself and everyone else except me?

Why do you always take center stage in every conversation while I’m relegated to being your audience?

Are you so uninterested in what I have to say that you’ll trample over my sentences instead of hearing me out?

Am I only a garbage can into which you can vomit all your opinions, gossip, and annoyances?

Am I enough for you?

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Tribute to Muppetvision 3D

Posted on June 4, 2025 by admin

Last Saturday, I went to Disney World to see a fun show called MuppetVision 3D. I made the most of my day since I love the Muppets, MuppetVision 3D is my favorite attraction at Disney World, and it’s closing forever on June 7th. As such, anyone reading this who would like to see it at least once while it’s still here has only a few days left to do so. In this post, I’ll recount my experiences with what will most likely be my last time getting to see MuppetVision 3D and visiting Muppets Courtyard (technically Grand Park, though I’ll call it Muppets Courtyard as that was once its name and I much prefer it). I’ll avoid giving a thorough synopsis of the show as I have a lot to talk about. In short, the Muppets are demonstrating a new 3D technology called MuppetVision 3D. In typical Muppets fashion, things go wrong in the best way possible. If you haven’t seen MuppetVision 3D, you can get a full synopsis of it here. Better yet, watch it here. Best yet, check it out for yourself in person at Disney’s Hollywood Studios while it’s still open if you have the time and money. Without further ado, it’s time to get things started.

I left the house around 6:45 that morning. It helps that I only live about two and a half hours away from Disney World. I listened to lots of Muppet songs (including songs from Jim Henson’s memorial, “Moving Right Along,” “Ain’t No Road Too Long,” “The Garden Song,” “Pictures in My Head,” “Follow Me,” “Rainbow Connection,” and “Rainbow Connection Reprise”) and shed many tears on the drive down. While I had wanted to get there when the park opened at 9, I ended up getting there around 9:30. Although the day started off rainy, it only took a few hours for the rain to stop and the sun to come out. Neither the rain nor the sun nor the heat bothered me much as I was inside for most of the day.

I felt so much nostalgia upon seeing the Disney World welcome sign, Tower of Terror, front entrance, and other cool stuff in the park that I hadn’t seen in almost a decade. After grabbing a map and doing a bit of sightseeing near the front of the park, I went straight to the Chinese Theatre replica to see handprints and signatures of Jim Henson and Kermit the Frog! My next stop was Muppets Courtyard. I watched MuppetVision 3D repeatedly (about 18 times total) over the course of the day, including that day’s final show. Watching it so many times allowed me to enjoy the many jokes and Muppet Easter eggs, see smaller details I’d never noticed before, commit much of the show to memory, photograph everything a little bit at a time, enjoy several different Muppet songs while waiting in line (including “I’m Going to Go Back There Someday,” “Moving Right Along,” “Couldn’t We Ride,” “Rainbow Connection,” and “Rainbow Connection Reprise” right before the last show of the day), and relive some fond memories from my youth.

I got lots of pictures of the whole Muppets Courtyard area throughout the day, including the inside and outside of the building housing MuppetVision 3D, the Stage 1 Company Store that used to have Muppet props and merchandise inside and still has lots of cool Muppet decorations on the outside, the PizzeRizzo restaurant, the defunct Mama Melrose restaurant, and the Miss Piggy water fountain near the front of that area. In a great spirit of camaraderie, people who’d never crossed paths before that day took pictures for each other. I got to participate in this by taking some pictures for other folks and they took some for me as well.

Later in the afternoon, I stopped for lunch at PizzeRizzo. That was my first time ever eating there, although I did eat there many times as a little kid when its theming was Pizza Planet after the restaurant in Toy Story. I had some good pizza and root beer, decent salad, and a delicious cannoli. Once I finished lunch and took some pictures around the restaurant, I asked someone working there if I could take a picture with the Rizzo plushie I saw earlier. She said that Rizzo was making pizzas in the back and would be busy for quite a while. So instead, I got to take pictures with a Kermit plushie outside the restaurant! That was even better since Kermit is my favorite Muppet! I felt overjoyed to get several pictures with him. That was one of the most pleasant surprises and biggest highlights of my day.

After the last show, I spent some extra time in the theatre. I’ve always loved going in there as it looks like the theatre from The Muppet Show. I and several other guests stayed there for some final memories until the cast members politely ushered us out. The last picture I got in the theatre was a rainbow painting from the waiting area that reminded me of “Rainbow Connection.” What a lovely way to close it out! I then got a few more lovely nighttime pictures of Muppets Courtyard before my phone died. Since I still wanted to get a few more pictures, a few kind souls took some pictures of me in front of the fountain and the MuppetVision 3D building with their phones before emailing them to me. We had some nice conversations, one of which made me aware of some Muppets pressed pennies available nearby. I decided to get them as lovely souvenirs! Once I said my final goodbyes to Muppets Courtyard, I walked away for the last time and cried while singing “I Don’t Want to Live on the Moon” as a crescent moon smiled down on me by Echo Lake near the front of the park. One quick tram ride later, I found my car, got my phone charged up enough to drive away, and headed home.

There were only a few negatives about my day. Since I got there about half an hour later than I had wanted, I had less time for everything than I’d have had if I’d arrived right as the park opened. I felt sad about not getting a picture with the Sweetums performer or the Rizzo plushie, and that the Christmas store called It’s a Wonderful Shop seemed to be closed. After my trip, I learned that there was a funny sign near the exit of MuppetVision 3D and possibly some other fun Muppet stuff that I didn’t notice, and thus didn’t photograph. That also greatly saddened me. My phone dying shortly before I left the park made things a little more difficult than if it had had enough power for the whole day. If I could do it over again, I’d have arrived earlier, asked earlier about getting a picture with Rizzo, made sure to photograph even more, and done more to keep my phone powered (used it less, turned down the screen brightness, put it on airplane mode for much of the day, and maybe even brought a portable power pack).

Toward the end of Jim Henson’s life, he was working on a deal with Disney that would create a whole Muppets land for Disney’s Hollywood Studios. After his death, however, all the Muppets got was a few short-lived stage shows, a courtyard containing MuppetVision 3D, a store selling Muppet merchandise, some fun pictures and music throughout the area, and, eventually, the PizzeRizzo restaurant. While I would have loved to have seen what would have happened had the original plans come to fruition, I am glad that the Muppets have as much as they do now. I feel sad that it will soon be taken away, especially since MuppetVision 3D was the last big project Jim Henson worked on during his life (and it opened exactly one year after his death).

I also worry about what will happen to all of the Muppet stuff after Muppets Courtyard closes. There is a long history of either destroying old Disney props, attractions, and at least one water park or leaving them to sit and rot. I fear any or all of those might happen to the props, pictures, animatronics, costumes, signage, and other fun Muppet memorabilia, especially since this already happened to the beautiful Kermit hot air balloon that used to sit atop the building housing MuppetVision 3D. I feel particularly concerned for the lovely, ornate carvings inside the theatre. Lots of attention, creativity, detail, and love went into those and other works of art in Muppets Courtyard, and I hope that they will all be well cared for long after Muppets Courtyard closes. This could happen if they’re moved somewhere else on Disney property (whether to be used in a new Muppets attraction or put on display) or given to someone who will lovingly preserve them as they are now.

Additional sadness came from knowing that this would be my first Disney trip since my dog Sawyer died. Him not being at home to greet me makes every return trip in general life that much more painful, and this one was no exception. I believe this was also my first Disney trip since both of my maternal grandparents died, and possibly my first one since my maternal grandfather died. I sometimes reminisce about being a little kid and going to visit my grandparents, spending a day or two at Disney World, and then returning to their house to tell them about our trip. There is lots of nostalgia around all of that, and I’ll never get to experience it again. That hurts even more than the loss of Muppets Courtyard and so much other stuff I loved about the Disney parks.

Overall, it was a lovely, sad, fun, and heartbreaking day. The Muppets had their usual display of humor and heart, and I thought that MuppetVision 3D held up well despite being around for so long. I’m so glad I went to see MuppetVision 3D, eat at PizzeRizzo, say goodbye to Muppets Courtyard, and pay my respects one final time. It warmed my heart to witness so many people having so much fun and getting so into it by wearing Muppets themed clothes, taking pictures and videos for each other, clapping, cheering, laughing, reciting lines, watching the show multiple times, and otherwise enjoying the Muppets throughout the day as we all shared the Muppet magic for one last time. There’s still lots of love for the Muppets, even 70 years after their television debut and 34 years after MuppetVision 3D opened. I wish that that whole area would stick around so that Muppet fans of all ages could enjoy it for many generations to come. If you love the Muppets and have any interest in checking this out before it’s gone, please do yourself a favor and visit. Whether that will be your first visit or the most recent of many, you’ll have a great time and make wonderful memories that will last you the rest of your life.

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The Harms of Excessive Criticism

Posted on May 28, 2025 by admin

One of the things I hate receiving from others more than almost anything else is criticism. Looking back, so many of my interactions growing up involved heavy criticism, both of who I was and what I did. This came from family members (whether older or younger than me), classmates, teachers, and others who worked at school. Much of the criticism seemed endless, with whoever was forcing it upon me going on and on at great length while I was expected to sit there quietly and take it. Even when it didn’t reach those extremes, my many critics would still often belabor the point; they’d spend minutes rehashing something they could easily have said in under thirty seconds and explain things four or five different ways when one way sufficed.

Unfortunately, while I received mountains of criticism when I was growing up, it has also followed me into adulthood. I’ve been heavily criticized at different jobs by customers, coworkers, and those above me in the company hierarchy. Criticism has flowed so much in my different hobbies and interests, both from those more skilled than me and from those less skilled. The vast majority of this criticism has been unsolicited, much of it was useless, and a fair amount happened in public or semi-public places instead of in private. All of that makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed, and resentful of the critics.

While I criticize a lot of ideas and group actions, I almost never criticize individual humans, especially in a group situation. This is especially the case when I’m teaching or helping someone with an activity I know pretty well, such as juggling. In those cases, I’ll point out the positives and encourage them to do more of that rather than just telling them what not to do. In addition to being much easier to hear, that also is much more practical since there are endless wrong ways to do anything, so just telling them not to do things repeatedly doesn’t get them closer to how to do it properly. I also only offer feedback if someone requests it and I make sure to avoid embarrassing the person, especially if others are around.

Simply put, excessive criticism hurts me. When someone criticizes almost everything I do and almost never compliments me, I feel so discouraged and demoralized, as if I can’t do anything right. Rather than encouraging me to do better in order to please the critic or show them up by doing something they thought I couldn’t, the guilt, shame, embarrassment, confusion, and disappointment that heavy criticism brings with it all make me want to quit or say, “Do it yourself!” Criticism also makes me wonder why any critic asks me to do anything if they always want me to do it differently and never give me credit, even managing to seemingly go out of their way to criticize me when I do something the way they want it done!

When one or more humans hang out in a casual situation, criticism is almost always unnecessary. There’s no need for anyone to criticize another’s taste in food, drink, music, movies, TV, books, general entertainment, hobbies, interests, clothes, fashion, or anything else. With subjective preferences, nobody is right or wrong in what they enjoy, and criticism just makes the critic look silly. Unfortunately, criticism seems incessant in most human interactions nowadays (gossip, venting, complaining, unsolicited advice, mockery, sarcasm, condescension, excessive opinions, etc.), which is why I prefer my own company most of the time.

I reckon this is a big part of why I was so gentle with my dog Sawyer. Aside from how he made it easy to love him and be kind to him, we both got criticized excessively, and I wanted to give him more compassion, understanding, and patience. I’m sure that’s part of how we got as close as we did and remained close friends until his death. That’s a trait that my closest human family members and friends also share: lots of compliments, little criticism, and gentleness when criticism does arise. I wish everyone else would learn from these beautiful souls and be kinder and less critical toward those around them. Much as I hope that happens, I’m not holding my breath for it.

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My Defunctland

Posted on May 21, 2025 by admin

One of my favorite YouTube channels is called Defunctland. Although its creator currently makes videos talking about a variety of attractions and media that are no longer around, the channel’s early focus was quite different. Alongside the YouTube videos, Defunctland started out as a virtual theme park containing virtual recreations of rides, shows, and other attractions that were removed from real-life theme parks. Anyone who accessed Defunctland would be able to virtually experience those attractions long after they were gone from the real world.

Similarly to my idea of a life buffet, I would love a real version of Defunctland that contained all the wonderful animals, humans, places, events, and objects that I’ve lost. My Defunctland would be me as a little kid enjoying a perpetual summer. Instead of having to go to school or work, I could hang out all the time with my dog Sawyer, go on fun trips, visit with family members on a regular basis, and just enjoy life with everyone. Endless days doing what I love with whom I love. What could be better?

This has been on my mind a lot lately because of some big changes happening at Disney World. Lots of attractions I love have either already closed this year or will be closing sometime in the next year or two. The one I feel saddest about losing is MuppetVision 3D, which is a fun show featuring the Muppets and which combines film, animatronics, CGI, a live costumed performer, and plenty of special and practical effects. I’ve always loved Muppets, this particular attraction, and the nice feelings in the Muppets Courtyard part of the park. The fact that it opened one year to the day after Jim Henson’s death and was his last big project during his life adds even more sentimentality to MuppetVision 3D for me. Unfortunately, both it and the nearby PizzeRizzo restaurant are both closing forever soon (although they’re still open at the time of this writing in case you’d like to check them out before they’re gone). I’ve purchased a ticket to go check them out at the end of this month before they’re only memories. I plan to eat at PizzeRizzo for lunch (which will be my first, and likely last, time there) and watch MuppetVision 3D as many times as possible while getting plenty of pictures and videos from the entirety of Muppets Courtyard. I’m sure it will be a bittersweet trip, with plenty of laughter and tears. You can read about my trip after I post about it in early June.

The loss of MuppetVision 3D will be the latest in a long line of painful losses going back more than five years at this point. It seems that everything I enjoyed as a little kid through to when I was a young adult is slowly but surely being taken away from me. I’ve likely written before about how that will only continue as I get older and have to say goodbye to more friends, family members, animal friends, and more. Whether through changing life situations, falling out, death, or something else, I will eventually lose everything and everyone I care about, either while I’m still on Earth or after I die. When my time does come, I’d feel delighted to find that I get to live forever with everyone and everything I’ve ever known and loved exactly as they were during my life. Even if that doesn’t happen, the idea of it brings me immense comfort and makes me want to spend more time with beloved humans, animals, and things before it’s too late.

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A Letter to Myself

Posted on May 14, 2025 by admin

Dear Ian,

Things are hard for you now. In some way, they’ve always been hard. I wish I could say that it’ll all get easier. Unfortunately, while some things will get much better, others will get far worse. I’ll tell you about some of those things before ending with some good news.

You’re used to having good years and bad years close to each other. In fact, for a while, every good year was followed by a bad year and vice versa. However, the painful truth is that you’ll go through a five-year period that contains three bad years in a row and one decent year before a fourth bad year. That will be the most painful, trying time of your life, and you’ll wonder during the hardest years how you’ll ever make it through.

As you might expect, the hardest things you’ll encounter, both during that long stretch of bad years and outside of it, will be the deaths of your loved ones. It’ll be incredibly hard to lose your grandparents, a few friends and acquaintances, and a family member’s beloved cat Buddy. Most painful of all will be our dog Sawyer’s death. No matter how hard you think that will be, it will be even worse than you can imagine. You’ll cry nearly all day, every day for months on end. You’ll develop routines that help you get by, including looking at pictures and videos of Sawyer each day. The pain will knock you down for almost two years, and you’ll go for almost a year wondering if the pain will ever get significantly better. Some humans will tell you that it won’t. You can take comfort in the fact that everyone who says, “The pain never goes away” is wrong. Although it will take a long time and a lot of crying, keep doing the work and you’ll feel much better within a few months, and significantly better within a few years.

You’ve also struggled a lot financially since you first joined the working world. That, too, will get better. Good jobs are on the horizon, and you’ll get back to a good financial place sooner than you know. Even before then, you’ll still always have enough to get by from performing gigs, random gifts and donations, and some odd jobs for folks you know.

Now let’s talk about one of your biggest lifelong struggles: people pleasing. For as long as you can remember, you’ve done nearly anything to make others like you and accept you, to your own detriment. Although this is a struggle that at times seems endless, you will gradually feel more comfortable being yourself and become less interested in the approval of others. Keep releasing guilt, shame, and self-hatred as you also welcome joy, peace, and love for yourself. Though this road is long, it does have an end, and you’ll get much further along it than you ever thought possible.

If you could see where we are now, you’d be amazed. While you almost always want to make more progress and often feel unsatisfied wherever you are, I’m so thankful for how far we’ve come, and I can’t wait for you to see it. I admire you for persevering despite all the bad hands life has dealt you, and I’m always here for you. We’ll get through whatever life throws at us together, just as we always have.

Love,

Ian

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A Look Back

Posted on May 7, 2025 by admin

Last Saturday, I worked at a senior prom for local students. During some moments when things were going well and no work needed to be done for a while, I started reminiscing about my high school proms. Aside from my nice rental suits and lots of fun dancing with my schoolmates, I don’t remember much about the proms. I actually remember the homecoming dances a bit better, perhaps because they were in the school gymnasium and were less formal than the proms were. In any event, all those dances gave me some fun times and nice memories.

While I don’t miss high school overall and I’m glad to be done with it, I do miss many of the nice things that happened both at school and outside of it during that time of my life. Aside from the school dances, there were several trips I enjoyed a lot, especially the senior trips where we went skiing in winter and to Disney World around spring break. Some of the things outside of school that I miss include having lots of free time, no bills, few responsibilities, and a super predictable life. Things were much simpler and more routine for me back then, and I miss how easy things seemed overall, both at the time and looking back now.

Something more significant I miss is how unaware I was as a kid and teenager of how awful humans can be toward each other, especially in daily life. Throughout almost every regular job I’ve had, some performing gigs, random stranger encounters, and even interactions with friends/acquaintances and family members, I’ve learned so much since high school graduation about the depths to which the average person can sink. Everything from deception to manipulation to gaslighting to gossip to violence and then some. While there were some glimpses of the darker side of humanity while I was in high school, it was nothing compared to what I’ve learned, seen, and experienced firsthand since. Encountering it or even just thinking about it often demolishes my optimism and hope for the future.

Most of all, I miss my dog Sawyer, my grandparents, and other loved ones who were alive when I was in high school but have died since. I’m at a point in my healing journey that I sometimes forget they’ve died; whenever that happens, it’s always a hard slap in the face of a reminder that they’re gone and I’ll never see them again on Earth. Whether through death, moving away, or simply by giving up on me, it seems that I am slowly losing the most caring, loving, and supportive people in my life, humans and animals alike. And that’s only going to get worse as I get older.

Some folks are said to have peaked in high school, meaning that that was their best, most enjoyable, and most successful time in their life. I do relate to that idea to a point, which is a bit funny considering I was one of two students in my graduating class voted most likely to succeed. Despite missing much from that period of my life, I don’t think much about it, and I talk about it even less frequently. When I do, it seems like another life, considering how much has changed since then, both for better and for worse. I never had any idea of how my life after high school would be, and I still have far more questions than answers in that area. Even if I had thought through possible futures back then, I would never have guessed that this is where I’d be now, or that I’d have gotten here the way I did. Things have been pretty weird and painful for me in the thirteen years since I graduated high school. I hope the next thirteen years will be more enjoyable and peaceful.

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Review of April 2025

Posted on April 30, 2025 by admin

This April was one of the most unusual months I’ve had in a long time. Fortunately, it was also one of the best months I’ve had in a long time. Let’s explore the highlights together, shall we?

Overall, April was tied with February as my least painful month of 2025 so far. It wasn’t painless, however. There was some more pain than usual due to the three-year anniversary of my dog Sawyer’s death. That prompted me to focus more on letting go than I had for quite some time. In addition to starting to reread Letting Go by David Hawkins, I also did more letting go sessions as I could, especially on weekends when I didn’t have to work. That tremendously reduced my emotional pain. Other kinds of pain came from my new job. In some cases, the pain was literal: I replaced the insoles in both my work shoes and my main non-work shoes to give my feet some relief. Fortunately, that worked out wonderfully, and my feet feel much more comfortable both at work and elsewhere. There was also some emotional pain from not knowing how to do the job when I started it, having way less free time, changing my bedtime routines around, and making other big changes due to my new job. That pain went down considerably as I adjusted to my new routines, got a better feel for the job, and felt much more at ease due to having good money coming in regularly once again.

The huge improvement in my financial situation allowed me to resume recurring investment contributions, which is something I hadn’t done since late 2024. I even opened up a Roth IRA! Outside of investments, I joined my local YMCA and started lifting weights again for more strength since my job involves lots of heavy lifting. Although it’ll take time for my strength to go back up, I’m sure it will happen, especially since I’m going about it in a more intelligent way than I did in the past. I also loved being back at the YMCA, which I hadn’t gone to regularly since 2015. The weights, sights, sounds, and even smells brought back some wonderful memories and are great encouragers for me to keep going regularly.

Despite some pain and challenges, I’d say April was my best month of 2025 up to this point. Having a lovely April was such a relief after so much trouble this year and so many painful years in such a short span of time. Beyond so much good happening in April itself, it also sowed the seeds for even more beneficial things to happen in the coming months and years. I look forward to seeing them unfold, especially the wonderful surprises that I haven’t even imagined yet.

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Three Years Without Sawyer

Posted on April 23, 2025 by admin

Last Saturday, April 19th, was the third anniversary of my dog Sawyer’s death. Hard to believe it’s been over three years since I last got to visit, hold, hug, kiss, snuggle, cuddle, walk with, play with, nap with, and care for him. Here’s how it went and how I’m doing after three years without Sawyer.

As always, this anniversary of Sawyer’s death was painful. Overall, it was more painful than an average day in my life. I felt extra sadness all this month, and even some late last month knowing what was coming. To my surprise, however, there were almost no tears. The few that did happen mostly came from rereading Mister Rogers’ lovely book When A Pet Dies that morning. As always, I felt better after that brief cry.

This anniversary of Sawyer’s death was the calmest so far. Unlike the first anniversary when I took a bunch of orphaned baby possums to a rehab facility in another city or the second anniversary when I went to still another city for a wedding rehearsal, I got to stay in town this year. I juggled with some friends in a local park, pet a cute, friendly little Dachshund, and did lots of letting go at home. In fact, most of my day consisted of staying home and getting things done in between letting go sessions. That’s why it went as well as it did and why I felt ok for most of it. Peace turned out to be much more abundant that day than I thought it would, thank goodness.

Extra busyness at my new job made this year’s anniversary both easier and harder. It was easier in that burning off extra energy helps me sleep better and heal, and good money coming in regularly means less stress and a greater ability to get what I need (and some of what I want). What made it harder was that I had less time to let go without distractions during the work week (letting go while I do other things is still incredibly difficult for me) and some stresses on the job have added to my pain burden. More than anything, I’m glad my new job gives me Friday through Sunday off every week. Having enough time to rest, play, celebrate, and mourn without going to work at all during and around the anniversary of Sawyer’s death was wonderful.

My own experience on this day each year is that everyone who told me, “The pain never goes away” was wrong. Mister Rogers said it well in this quote from When a Pet Dies: “It can be very hard when a pet you love dies. You may feel that you’ll never stop being sad, that the hurt will never go away… but it will.” While sometimes the pain is overwhelming on certain days, all the letting go work I’ve done over the past three years has both drastically reduced the total amount of pain around life without Sawyer and minimized the intensity of the remaining pain. I’m certainly glad that the pain has gone down so much over the last three years while the memories, pictures, videos, and several of Sawyer’s personal belongings remain. With continued work over the remaining pain, I believe that it will someday go away completely.

One reason I’m glad that the pain is going away is because each passing second not only takes me further away from my last Earthly moments with Sawyer but also closer to the point that I will have been remembering Sawyer for longer than I knew him. Since we had eleven years together and he’s been gone for three years at this point, it’ll still be a good many years before that happens. While it’s still a ways away, though, I know how fast time can fly. For example, it seems like only yesterday that I was in high school despite the fact that I graduated almost thirteen years ago. With that in mind, I want to be well prepared for the day when Sawyer’s absence from my life will be longer than the time he was present. If I can manage to work through the lingering guilt and shame around things I wish I’d done with Sawyer, things I wish I hadn’t done to him, and how I wish I’d better stood up for him in his final days on Earth, then I’m sure I’ll be able to effectively handle the point at which my time without Sawyer exceeds my time with him. I hope that’s how it will work out, and, above all else, I hope that each moment that takes me further away from my last Earthly visit with Sawyer will also take me closer to our eventual Heavenly reunion.

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Who and What I Miss Most

Posted on April 16, 2025 by admin

There is so much I miss from past parts of my life. Since April tends to be one of the most painful months of the year for me, I’ll go over some of what I miss most in this post. Here we go.

To start, there is my dog Sawyer. Anyone who’s read one of the posts I’ve published in the last three years knows how much I miss him. The remaining pain over his death and subsequent absence is always at its worst in April, which was the month in which he died nearly three years ago. Thank goodness I’ve released as much pain as I have since April 2022. I can’t imagine how I’d have gotten through Sawyer’s death or any of the other huge, heartbreaking happenings that happened in the years since. It’s been hard enough even with all the healing I’ve done.

A close second to Sawyer are my human family members who have died, most of all my grandparents. I so wish I had more time with them, could still visit with them, had seized more opportunities to spend time with them in the past, and had gotten to know them much better. Both my paternal and maternal grandparents lived through some huge moments in human history, and I would have loved to have heard about their experiences in some or all of those events. I often feel sad whenever I remember that I can’t call or visit with them and tell them about the good things that are going on for me as of late, especially my maternal grandparents since they were in my life for so long and knew at least a bit about the hard times I experienced over the past twelve years. I hope they didn’t worry too much about me or how my future would unfold. I wish I could ask them about that and let them know that I’m doing better now.

Next up is 2018 and the many wonderful things I experienced in that wonderful year. I loved going out swing dancing several times a week, having sleeping routines that felt more comfortable and practical for my free time, visiting friends both nearby and far away, going on several wonderful trips, experiencing a year that was mostly good after a year that was mostly bad, and having a lighter work schedule that let me have more fun and downtime while still bringing in enough money to do all the lovely things I did that year. Almost everything back then seemed to have a magical, warm glow around it. Given how disappointing 2019 was in comparison to 2018 and how awful most of the years since 2019 have been for me, I’d do almost anything to relive 2018 (or at least have a year that’s similarly lovely).

If I could group everything I miss into one point that pretty much sums it all up, it would be the point about how I miss being a kid. Despite lots of struggles and plenty of things I wish had never happened, being a kid also gave me a lot of play, fun, and a sense of adventure. The only responsibilities I had were schoolwork, some extracurriculars, and a few small things around the house. With most weekends and longer breaks from school eliminating all but the house responsibilities, I had lots of time to play, swim, watch TV and movies, read, go on family trips, and just enjoy being. No bills, no job, and no huge expectations from myself or anybody else. Others gave me rides everywhere I needed to go and at least a few places I wanted to go, made sure I had the essentials, and took care of enough stuff that I could have lots of fun with few to no big-picture worries. There was a sense that everything would be ok, which I also miss dearly. So much nice stuff has been removed from my life and even more will be removed before my time on Earth is over. Looking back to before 2020, I see plenty of wonderful times with a bit of struggle. Looking back over the last five years, I see mostly pain and struggle with only a small handful of good times. It’s hard to be optimistic about the future when the recent past has been so painful.

The huge changes that have happened over the past few weeks make it seem as if the wonderful humans, animals, places, and events that are no longer around have been gone for even longer than they have. Sawyer was with me from before I started my first regular job until a few months after I left the one I had in late 2021. I so wish he were still here to celebrate with me in the good times and make even a horrible day instantly better by loving on me as soon as I walk in the door at home. I also wish my grandparents were still here to show me unconditional love and support through all seasons of life. I’ve had so much nostalgia lately about them and the wonderful times we shared together, and I’ve been using this lovely song to help me release some pain. Now that neither Sawyer nor any of my grandparents are around anymore, my life feels so much emptier. One of the worst parts of all this is that it can sometimes seem as if they were never here in the first place. Since my grandparents’ house was sold back in January, almost nobody in the family talks about them within earshot of me. Similarly, hardly anybody has mentioned Sawyer since he died almost three years ago. The absence of much conversation around my dead loved ones adds even more to the pain that their absence from Earth has caused.

It seems like I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes. Every few years, some big change comes along and blows my existing life into pieces. Even when those changes have been good for me, they still make it seem like the life I had before they came along dies in the process. I’m currently going through the death of the life I knew from the time Sawyer died until late last month and I have no idea what this next phase of my life will hold. Unlike many past phases which were awful, I hope this one will be positive. I’ll find out over time, and I’ll let you know along the way.

Posted in Adventures, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People, Swing Dancing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Who and What I Miss Most

Renewed Hope

Posted on April 9, 2025 by admin

Lots of my recent posts have been negative. Today’s will be different. Let’s explore some things that have given me renewed hope as of late.

After years of financial struggle, I’m now making good money regularly again thanks to my new job. If things go well here, I’ll soon be in a much better financial position than I was when I left the regular working world in late 2021. Beyond that, by this time next year, I’ll be in a better financial position than I’ve ever been before. That has given me so much relief and is helping me get back to a solid financial place.

In addition to some great money, however, this job has also brought a number of difficulties. The biggest have been huge changes in my sleeping schedule and the morning and nighttime routines I stuck to for almost three years. It’s been hard to adjust the time I spend by my dog Sawyer’s grave every morning and night. The job has also taken away a lot of my free time during most weekdays, which has forced me to get more creative about going through my hobbies, self-care, and other activities before bedtime. Even though I can do it, I’d rather not have to do so, which is always a difficult place to be.

Back to the positives. The increased physical activity from my job has made it much easier for me to fall asleep and stay asleep for most of the night. That and sticking with my new bedtime routine has resulted in me feeling more refreshed after waking up on most days. In fact, I’m probably getting more sleep now than I was before I started this job. To my delight, it took less than a week for me to adjust to both waking up and going to bed many hours earlier than usual, and it’s quite easy at this point for me to fall asleep at my new bedtime. I’m so glad it’s been a much faster, easier adjustment than I thought it would be.

Additionally, I’m only working with a small handful of guys at my job. We all work well together and like each other, and they’ve done a great job welcoming me in and showing me the ropes. While there’s still plenty for me to learn, I’ve already learned quite a bit in the short amount of time I’ve been there. My guess is that I’ll pass the initial trial period with flying colors and be with this company for many more years.

Since I’m still figuring out how to handle my days outside of work (both on workdays and my days off), I’ve withdrawn from most of the socializing I did for years. Although I still go to some events on the weekends and plan to continue hosting my usual juggling meetings, I don’t go out nearly as much as I once did. There are many people whom I used to see at least a few times a month but haven’t seen at the time of this writing since late February. While I do miss some of them, I’m glad to be away from so much loudness, nonstop talking, interrupting, judgment, and other stuff I hate. It’s so nice to have much more peace, quiet, and serenity in my regular life.

It’s wonderful to have all these positive things going after so many years of struggle. When it comes to getting my life together again, I now no longer fear that I’m going to lose before I even start playing. That huge stress reduction has made it much easier to handle my remaining emotional pain, which means that this job is helping me with two of my three goals for this year. I look forward to seeing how the rest of 2025 plays out as I continue to improve at my job, rebuild my finances, and release old pain.

Posted in Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Renewed Hope