More of My Thoughts on Welcoming the Mess

Posted on July 31, 2024 by admin

A few years ago, I wrote about the importance of welcoming the mess when making improvements. I’d like to talk more about that as I’ve gained some new insights since writing that previous post.

So many things get worse before they get better. Avoiding the mess means avoiding progress, in addition to making an even bigger mess down the line. Often, issues that end up becoming massive and destructive start out small and manageable. This happens often in relationships. When the issues never get addressed, they fester and build resentment and eventually grow to the point that they destroy the relationship. This is incredibly common when one or more humans involved is more concerned with appearing as if everything is ok than actually going through the discomfort of making things ok, especially parents who have strained relationships with their kids.

I’ve thought a lot about this lately with regard to my beard. While it looks fine to me on some days and I’ve gotten a number of compliments on it recently, I generally dislike how it looks right now, especially on the sides. What’s bringing me some comfort in this area is the hope that as my beard grows out more and especially once it gets to a sufficient length, it will look much better than it currently does. I might try using some beard balm in the meantime to get the sides more in line with how I’d like them to look.

On a more serious note, there is the pain from my dog Sawyer’s death. Crying almost all day every day for months after he died made me feel better as the sadness gradually shrank. There were many past experiences in which I felt as upset months afterward as I did the day those experiences happened. I didn’t feel better until I fully welcomed all the pain and feelings. Knowing that, I went completely into the pain around Sawyer’s death without resisting any of it. If I had wanted to go directly from feeling the worst pain of my life to feeling much better without first going through the messiness of tears, depression, fear of the future, and wanting to do little to nothing for long periods of time, I would never have gotten there. Only by going through the mess and welcoming every part of it was I able to eventually feel better. Although recovering from Sawyer’s death took well over a year because the pain was so huge, facing it finally allowed me to get to a place of peace.

Much of my life is still a mess, and it often seems as if that will never change. All that I do in those situations is welcome whatever feelings arise and focus on what I can do to make things better. On my hardest days, this often looks like a hot bath with a cool cloth over my eyes, 432 Hz music playing nearby, and a lit candle followed by a cold shower and plenty of time to myself. Usually, I can get by with much less, even if something uncomfortable arises. I hope that continuing to heal the deep pain from my upbringing as it slowly thaws out will allow me to clean up areas of my life that are currently incredibly messy.

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To Share or Not to Share?

Posted on July 24, 2024 by admin

For years, I’ve hoped to make a difference through writing. This was the case even before I started this blog in late 2018, although that hope has grown ever larger since then.

I love sharing what I’ve learned, whether from my own experience or someone else’s. One of my hopes in doing so is that others can avoid making some of the mistakes I’ve made and learn some painful lessons the easy way by reading about how I learned them the hard way. I’ve been able to avoid many painful situations by learning from others who haven’t, and I’d love to give others that same opportunity.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen little to no implementation of things I’ve written about, even from those who’ve spoken positively about my posts. This is often discouraging for me, especially when those close to me who have read and complimented my work still don’t seem to use the life hacks I discuss. Even more baffling is when they’ve gone further by talking about my intelligence, understanding, insight, etc., and still don’t seem to even attempt to practice what I preach. Why bother sharing what’s important to me if nobody else cares? That Cassandra Curse is why I’ve largely given up trying to persuade anyone of anything or even make the case for something I believe if it’s different to what someone nearby me believes.

Sometimes I wonder why I continue this blog. One answer is that it’s a habit, and habits are hard for me to break once I’ve been doing them for many years. A nicer answer is that having a blog has given me a way to get my ideas out there without the interruptions, immediate dismissals, general frustrations, and even occasional fights that have accompanied past attempts to share my ideas outside of the internet. That’s why, whether or not anyone else uses anything from it, I plan to keep sharing my experiences in this blog. I enjoy doing it and it helps me organize my feelings, thoughts, and ideas, and lets me keep track of my progress in life, especially with regard to healing from my dog Sawyer’s death (this blog is also great for keeping his memory alive). Whether or not anyone else gets anything out of it, that’s enough reason for me to keep at it.

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A Christmas Story Life

Posted on July 17, 2024 by admin

A Christmas Story is one of my favorite Christmas movies. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, here’s a brief overview. A kid named Ralphie desperately wants a BB gun for Christmas and goes to great lengths to convince others that he should get one. Along the way, both he and those close to him have several mini adventures involving, among other things, a secret decoder pin, a visit with Santa at a local store, and plenty of fantastic daydreams. I recently realized that my life is like A Christmas Story in that there is a primary goal I pursue while also going on smaller adventures.

My primary goal is living a peaceful life through healing as much emotional pain as possible. I’ve written at length about that in other posts, so I’ll keep it to a minimum in this one. As for my mini adventures, I generally pursue them through several routines which vary somewhat by day, week, and month. Some things I do every day, such as spending time by my dog Sawyer’s grave in the morning and again at night. I like to go to the local zoo once a week, usually the day after I visit a nearby mall and puppy store. At least a few times a month, I’ll go out swing dancing, whether in town or elsewhere. There are also the two juggling meetings I host every month. Occasionally, I’ll have something quite different pop up, such as a juggling gig or big birthday party for a friend. As long as I still have enough time for most of my usual routines, those occasional experiences are a fun way to shake things up, even if any given activity only takes up a small fraction of my day.

I much prefer this to the times in my life in which I had only a few activities going on. During one such span of time, I had few to no hobbies, events, or social interactions outside of work. My workdays involved a quick gym visit before spending most of the day at work and then decompressing for a bit at home before going to bed. Days off mostly consisted of doing as little as possible at home. As a result, those days largely blended together and seemed to pass by incredibly quickly. Having a variety of activities happening every week keeps me more engaged with life, allows me to more easily recover from painful events, and makes time move slower. There were a few recent days in which I did more than usual or some activities that I don’t normally do. That novelty made those days feel like four or more days each. Since time seems to be moving faster all the time, having more long, lovely days is a welcome change of pace. I hope to have many more ahead of me.

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Joker, Cruelty, Despair, and Hope

Posted on July 10, 2024 by admin

In 2019, I wrote about some of my takeaways from Joker immediately after seeing the movie. I go so much out of that movie that still sticks with me to this day. Rewatching it at home earlier this year took me back to seeing it for the first time in theaters many years ago and reminded me of how much humans affect each other in their interactions. Unfortunately, while I got a lot out of Joker, it seems almost nobody else did. Here’s what I mean by that.

Nobody seems to have learned the central message of Joker: treating those most in need of help like trash, in addition to being awful, makes life worse for everyone. It still hurts to think of all the cruelty that escalated or was created less than six months after that movie was released and is still going on to this day. Impatience, yelling, hostility, violence, separation, refusal to listen and understand, etc. The things that some folks will do and say to each other shocks me. It’s worse now than at any other time in my life, and it seems to get worse every year.

As usual, the media did its fair share of harm here. Rather than look at what the movie had to say, media outlets seemed more interested in endlessly predicting violence at screenings prior to the movie’s release. As they often do when they’re wrong, they issued no retractions or apologies when nothing happened, made no changes to their practices moving forward, learned nothing from the movie’s message, and continued demonizing both the film and those who might get something out of it while working overtime to cause further division among humans.

The oddest part is how much of that cruelty is coming from those who were (and sometimes still are) talking about love triumphing over hatred. Joker premiered in October of 2019. For several years leading up to 2019, there had been some relative peace after a huge wave of hatred. For the last four years, that hatred and cruelty have come back with a vengeance. At this point, those who were once talking so much about love seem to only give that to certain arbitrary groups of humans; anyone outside those groups receives only scorn, mockery, violence, attempts to destroy their livelihood, or some combination of the above. If that’s their idea of love, then I’d hate to see what they think constitutes hatred.

What saddens me the most about all this is that I’ve seen it in a number of humans I know. Whether I saw only small glimpses of it in them during years past or none of it at all, it hurts to see it in full force now. I thought better of them, and I hope they turn over a new leaf before the hatred fully engulfs them. I also hope that this won’t infect anyone else I know, whether I’ve known them for a short time or a long time. That’s why I’m being more careful about who I get close to. A good rule of thumb I’ve heard in the romantic world is that it’s wise to see someone in every season of the year and every season of life (health, sickness, rich, poor, good mood, bad mood, things going well, things going poorly) instead of rushing in to marry them. The same applies for becoming close friends with someone and trusting them fully.

I’m hesitant to welcome new humans into my life at this point, even as acquaintances. I’ve gotten hurt deeply enough and often enough by those who said they cared about me yet acted in ways that gradually made me realize they didn’t to fear almost everyone, including those I already know. Thus, I tend to keep mostly to myself, say little, and stick to subjects that are relatively safe (meaning that a difference of opinion won’t result in someone yelling, hitting me, or wanting to no longer have anything to do with me). Whether I’m in a good or bad place emotionally, I want to avoid feeling worse by being around cruel humans. Since I never know who will be cruel from the start, turn cruel later on, or reveal cruelty that was previously hidden, this can create a great deal of loneliness. I’d take that loneliness, though, over being constantly baffled and largely disappointed by most humans I’ve come across.

Calling this “the human condition” does nothing useful. At best, it’s a poor attempt to explain what’s going on and why it’s happened for so much of human history. At worst, it treats it as inevitable and guarantees that it will continue happening by discouraging anyone from putting forth any serious effort at finding solutions to longstanding problems. In either case, I’ve always found it unsatisfactory and continue looking for other options.

It was hard enough dealing with this stuff when the world made a little more sense than it currently does. It’s much harder now that it’s gone totally off the rails and my dog Sawyer isn’t around to comfort me and make me a better human anymore. Fortunately, I have a number of close friends who have repeatedly shown that they care about me and are trustworthy in all seasons of life. Whether I’m in a good season and they’re in a bad season, vice versa, or we’re both in the same boat, we are there for each other. Along with the emotional healing, healthy eating, and beard care I’ve done, my friends have helped change my 2024 from a year that is incredibly rocky to incredibly stable. That’s making it easier to address the deepest emotional pain, plan for my future, and take positive steps toward a better life in all areas.

This is all reminiscent of the show After Life. It follows a man who struggling with deep grief, depression, anger, and sorrow over his wife’s death. No matter where he is in his journey or how he’s doing in any given moment, he still gets lots of love and support from those close to him. The love and support I’ve received from a handful of solid humans and animals is a big part of what has allowed me to continue as well as I have since Sawyer’s death. As I’m rewatching it now, it’s also helping me have more compassion toward myself and gently identify behaviors in myself that I’d rather change. I’m not holding my breath that this will change the world for the better. Those days are long gone for me. I am hoping that it will continue making my small pocket of the world a bit nicer for me and those close to me. We’ll see how that goes.

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Prepare for Peace

Posted on July 3, 2024 by admin

“If you want peace, prepare for war.” That is a fairly popular quote based on a similar sentiment expressed by Publius Vegetius Renatus. Despite its popularity, I see some problems with it. Here’s my take on the phrase.

By itself, the quote seems short-sighted. If there’s a larger context to the quote that adds useful information, then I’d have to rethink this. At face value, however, preparing to fight without doing anything to prepare for peace just results in more fights as each fight lays the groundwork for the next fight. It’s gotten so bad that there are now powerful enough weapons to kill all humans and most other life on Earth (and there have been many instances in which that has almost happened). Clearly, preparing to fight has done nothing to bring peace.

The strangest part of this to me is that many who agree with this quote also seem to believe that pursuing peace will backfire and result in violence, destruction, and the loss of everything good. I don’t see how anyone can actually believe that cultivating anything related to love, gentleness, peace, tranquility, civility, effective communication, de-escalation, nonviolent conflict resolution, psychology, and the like will result in more violence. Especially when they believe that cultivating violence, aggression, and different ways to hurt others (new and old alike) will result in peace. That is the opposite of how it actually works. Those who get good at fighting and never get good at peace end up seeing fighting as the solution for every problem, whether on the small scale or large scale. Families whose interactions often involve violence, yelling, punishment, and other acts of cruelty have frequent fights, and the fighting tends to get passed down through many generations. The same is true for countries that feature lots of fighting among civilians, whether within one single country or between different countries. Similarly, the more peacefully humans interact with each other, the less fighting there is, whether between members of a family, civilians in different countries, or any other gathering of humans.

There are martial artists who, along with their fighting skills, develop respect for others and learn ways to avoid fights. As a result, most of them never need to use their skills in a defensive situation, and those who do turn to violence do so only as a last resort. Most of the martial artists I’ve met only use violence when they’re training with each other. A few of them have used violence in the real world to defend themselves when escaping, de-escalation, and other approaches failed, but those instances have been few and far between.

My best relationships didn’t become amazing through fighting or being prepared to fight at any given moment. They’re as good as they are because they’re with humans who can work through problems peacefully. If an issue arises between me and a friend, either of us can bring it up in a civil way and then we’ll work together to resolve it. There is a huge sense of safety in those relationships, and I love it. My worst relationships, meanwhile, featured fighting as the primary, and often only, response to problems. There was no safety, no actual love, and no lasting peace. I hated it, and I want none of that in any of my relationships going forward. If you examine the relationships you’ve had over your life, I suspect your experience and preferences with both good and bad relationships will be similar.

This has been on my mind since I joined a social media group dedicated to grownups who love teddy bears and other stuffed animal friends. Many members have one or more stuffed animals who have been with them from a young age, and several continue to collect new ones as they go. I love being part of that incredibly sweet group, and I love the company of my stuffed animal friends, whether they’ve been with me for a few years or since I was a little kid. Cultivating sweetness like that with stuffed animals is bound to spill over into interactions with real animals and humans; it certainly did with my dog Sawyer, who was my best friend ever, and it also did with my best human friends, making it a great way to bring more peace to a hurting world.

I long for the day in which humans not only no longer prepare to fight each other but never even think to do so. Were such a day to arrive, I have no idea how many generations it would take, how much healing would have to be done, and how many peaceful methods of solving problems and resolving conflict would be needed. The relationships in my life that have gone from contentious to peaceful have required conscious effort and lots of work on both my part and that of the other person. That’s been hard enough to do between only two humans, so I’m not holding my breath for it to happen between billions of humans anytime soon. I still hope that huge progress will be made in that direction during my life. Until then, I’ll keep doing what I can to prepare for peace with those close to me.

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4 Useful Realizations

Posted on June 26, 2024 by admin

Things have been going wonderfully overall for me lately. Along with that have been some interesting realizations. Here are some of them.

  1. Combative humans need not apply. Dealing with many who turn every issue into a fight for my entire upbringing taught me that I have to engage with them, whether it’s by giving in to what they want or fighting to get my way. Now, I know that I don’t have to put up with anyone who chooses to fight. I can just refuse to talk to them until/unless they speak in a civil way with me. That saves me from the exhausting task of being the only one interested in understanding what’s going on, translating it to the other person, staying calm, and focusing on finding a solution rather than needlessly escalating the problem.
  2. My boundaries are improving. From what I choose to say in a conversation, how I say it, and who I say it to, I’m feeling much more comfortable reserving the ability to make those decisions for myself instead of giving it to anyone else. There is also less interest in getting anyone to understand or approve of me since I’m growing in both understanding and approval of myself all the time. It’s wonderful being my own best company as I rarely feel lonely when I’m by myself, and it allows me to pick peaceful solitude over stressful socializing.
  3. I need more sleep. I’ve been missing enough sleep lately to feel excessively tired in the morning and often end up taking unintended naps during the day (some of which are long enough, late enough, or both to hurt my sleep that night). Fortunately, I feel much better today since I went to bed about half an hour earlier than usual last night and slept well. I’m planning to make that a nightly habit as this experience has reminded me how important it is to get enough quality sleep every night.
  4. These are the new good times. After years of pain, heartache, and misery, so much has improved. So many things in my life are either in a good place or are moving in that direction. I’ve heard many folks say that their 30s were better than their 20s. Since I’m in my early 30s and my 20s were insane, I find that notion extremely comforting, and it also seems to fit with what’s been happening for me as of late. As much as I wish my dog Sawyer were still here to join me in this new decade and life situation, and as sad as I feel knowing that he won’t be part of whatever new good times happen from here on out, I’m still enjoying the good stuff as it’s happening, and I hope Sawyer would feel pleased with the peace I feel and how I’m doing now.
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How My Friends Make Me Feel Loved and Appreciated

Posted on June 19, 2024 by admin

I’ve written many blog posts about things I dislike in human interactions. Although those posts almost always also contain alternatives to the things I dislike, one of my best friends encouraged me to write a post focusing more on the things I’d like to see from those who want to be my friend. Many of these come from my dog Sawyer as he was the best friend I’ve ever had, treated me wonderfully, and taught me a lot about friendship during our eleven years together. No surprise, then, that my best human friends do many of the same things that Sawyer did for me. Here are the ways I feel most loved and appreciated by my closest friends.

  1. They listen to me. This is huge for me. I don’t say a lot around most humans, and I often need room to air out my ideas when I do speak, so I appreciate anyone who gives me the space to do so and then considers what I say. Bonus points if they let me know when something I say impacts them positively.
  2. They feel comfortable with quiet presence. Talking is optional with me, and I generally prefer silence. It’s much easier for me to feel calm and stay in the present moment when I don’t have to think about what someone else has said or what to say in response. I always love seeing how calm and alive someone becomes when they fully relax into the moment.
  3. They are gentle with me. I thrive on gentleness and safety. If I step out of line, my close friends let me know in a civil way, and I do the same for them. Having spent so much of my life around folks who would escalate a mild situation into an intense situation and an already intense situation into an explosive situation, I have deep appreciation for those who choose the peaceful path instead.
  4. They give me space as needed. Because I get overwhelmed easily, I need lots of space. One-on-one interactions are my favorite, and small groups with only a few other humans are about all I care to be deeply involved with at this point. I also love breaks from conversation, especially when I’m feeling tired, have nothing to say, or am having trouble understanding even simple things that someone else says. Every time I return from a break, I always feel better and can navigate the situation more smoothly and comfortably.
  5. They give me attention as needed. As much as I love space, I do value attention from and quality time with those close to me. Whether someone has asked me something about myself or is trying to help me get through a rough season, I appreciate them keeping the focus on me as long as I’m still talking, especially when I’m already feeling upset and don’t want to feel worse by hearing about other painful experiences. Also, although I like some space to talk about myself, I feel most comfortable talking about things we are both interested in, and it seems they also do.
  6. They speak life into me and others. I feel best when my friends and I are lifting each other up with our words. I also love it when they are either doing the same for those who aren’t within earshot or simply avoid talking about them when they’re not around. It’s amazing how much even one kind word can lift someone’s spirits and make a bad day a little easier to bear.
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Why I Love Routines

Posted on June 12, 2024 by admin

This past weekend was weird. Each day featured something upsetting, whether big or small. Since there were plenty of good things surrounding the upsetting things, it turned out to be an ok weekend. Still, it reminded me of the critically important role that routines play in my life.

I may be the most routine-focused human I know. Nearly everything I do involves some kind of routine. That’s how I’ve developed and improved my skills at juggling, unicycling, emotional intelligence, and everything else. The good routines I’ve developed have allowed me to bounce back pretty well and enjoy the good moments that happen during the difficult times. When I felt super upset at some of the more painful things from this weekend, I couldn’t think straight or enjoy anything pleasant that did happen. Once the emotions settled down and I did some fun things, I could either appreciate the good that was happening at the time or that had happened in the midst of some great unpleasantness.

Unfortunately, I experience a lot of stress when my routines are disrupted. The worst days are the ones that most interfere with my morning and nighttime routines. It’s so much harder to start the day off well or bring it to a smooth landing if either of those routines get disrupted or have to be cut extremely short. I have an even harder time if I get hardly any time to myself or my hobbies in the middle part of the day. In contrast, when my morning and nighttime routines unfold as usual, even the most painful occurrences in between don’t seem nearly as bad. Sometimes I even forget about a painful event by the time I get into bed. That’s how powerful my routines are.

In addition to my usual routines, I also throw in more nice things as needed to recover from unusually difficult experiences or several painful experiences in a short span of time. This is mostly reserved for days in which everything seems to go wrong. When I have weeks or even months like that, I need lots of extra nice things over many days to recover. While this has turned into excess in the past, it doesn’t seem to do so anymore. For example, when I’m feeling majorly stressed due to repeated unpleasant occurrences, I’ll often eat some of my favorite unhealthy foods for a bit of comfort. Even when I eat a lot of that food, I still find it easy to resume my normal healthy eating habits once I feel better. That’s such a nice change of pace from past behaviors.

Routines have been absolutely essential in the time since my dog Sawyer’s death. The day he died, the routines we shared immediately went away. His absence and the absence of our routines left a huge hole in my life. To compensate, I started some new routines later that day and over the next few months, many of which I still do. These routines both honor him, keep his memory fresh within me, and ease the pain I’ve felt for over two years now. Even on busy days in which I’m far from home and have hardly any spare time, I make sure to do some version of those daily routines to keep me on track and prevent me from regressing in my healing journey. Whether or not anyone else understands or approves of them, I’m going to keep doing these routines until I no longer feel the need for them.

I can’t imagine my life without good routines. The familiarity and consistency they bring to a world that is largely unknown and scary provide me with a great deal of comfort. Most of the routines I have now weren’t always in place as they gradually arose in response to particular needs. As my needs have changed, so have my routines. However they change in the future, they will always involve plenty of rest, relaxation, self-care, and self-love across each area of my life (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual). I have no idea what that will look like in the future, but I hope that whatever happens, I can develop new routines and adapt my existing ones to keep moving me into a better life situation.

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Two Different Responses

Posted on June 5, 2024 by admin

For as long as I can remember, I have gotten in trouble for making the exact same kinds of jokes that others have gotten praised for making. Someone known for saying blunt, often cruel things will make a joke at someone else’s expense and those around will laugh, including the person who is the butt of the joke. I’ll then make a related joke and get met with either silence, scorn, or one followed by the other. Why? Let’s explore this.

I suspect it has to do with how I usually act and what I normally say around others, whether I know them well or not. Because I’m known for saying little and sticking to nicer things when I do speak, a joke that seems to come at someone else’s expense is shocking and out of character for me. In contrast, someone who is known for blurting out whatever they’re thinking is expected to say those kinds of jokes and so is rewarded with laughter or even praise. I’ve experienced this enough times to believe that folks who normally are outgoing and assertive can get away with saying more than folks who are normally quiet and passive.

This is largely why I’ve stopped making those kinds of jokes, using sarcasm, pretending to be upset when I’m really not, etc. That and the fact that I’ve grown to dislike mean-spirited humor in general, whether I’m on the giving, receiving, or witnessing end. If that were the only issue here, I’d be fine with it. However, there is a deeper problem that still plagues me despite all the work I’ve done on it.

That problem is how difficult this makes it for me to set boundaries. For an assertive person, setting a boundary is expected, normal, and accepted. For a passive person, setting a boundary is unexpected, abnormal, and rejected. This is why assertive people can easily set and maintain boundaries while I’ve often been on the receiving end of hostility when I’ve attempted to set a boundary, stand up for myself, or anything else along those lines. No matter how politely, calmly, and civilly I’ve done it, I’ve almost always been accused of being cruel, mean, ungrateful, or been told “You come with too many rules.” Those who speak in a blunt, direct way can get away with plenty that I, with my more reserved, shy speaking style never can.

Aside from the above experiences, there are other issues when it comes to setting and maintaining boundaries. One of them is caring more about someone else’s emotional state than my own. Much of this comes from knowing how much others have hurt me emotionally and not wanting to do that to anyone else. Another huge one is the fear of getting hurt if I speak up, as happened so often in my upbringing when I attempted to stand up for myself. Some practice with safe humans in safe situations has helped. Swing dancing has helped me a lot with this. When I ask someone to dance, they almost always accept, but occasionally will decline. That used to a hurt me a lot, and now it doesn’t hurt me at all. I’ve also gotten confident enough to decline dances without feeling bad about it. Seeing that doing this hasn’t destroyed or even harmed my interactions with anyone has been a huge relief and allows me to keep at it. I hope that continued practice will allow me to do this in more areas, especially the ones that are difficult and painful right now.

I’ve written before about how good my dog Sawyer was at boundaries. After our friendship was solidified, we could say or do anything and always knew we still loved each other. With all he taught me about boundaries and other important things in life, I can use a lot of that to up my boundaries game. That’s still a struggle for me because I’m not used to it. My whole life consists of habits and routines. When I’m doing something that I’ve done many times, it flows easily and I feel good. With new things, there is often stress, frustration, overwhelm, and a lack of interest in continuing it until I’ve practiced it enough to make it easy (or at least easier than it was initially). While I wish I could more easily adapt to new things, I love the fact that I can practice enough things to have my bases covered in several areas of life. Given how many things I’ve excelled at despite thinking I’d never be able to do them at all, I feel confident that continued practice will improve my ability to set and maintain boundaries in a kind way and avoid trying to appease those who are never going to treat me well. Here’s hoping.

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Self-Care Through Beard Care

Posted on May 29, 2024 by admin

Although I’ve had a full beard since late 2016 and sported a few full beards before then, it’s only recently that I’ve gotten interested in proper beard care. What I didn’t expect to find here was a connection between beard care and self-care. Here’s what I’ve experienced thus far.

This has been a gradual process. It started when I felt sufficiently unsatisfied with how my beard looked that I knew some changes were in order. I thought back to how my beard used to look, what made it look that way, and what I could change to bring that look back. After searching YouTube for advice, I also started brushing my beard differently (including brushing it while still in the shower), letting it grow more by trimming it less often, using scissors instead of an electric trimmer to trim my mustache, and switching to a beard wash instead of using normal body wash. Those simple changes have made my beard look and feel much better than it has in a long time. It’s still early, so I’m certain that with continued care, my beard will get even healthier.

It helps that several things I was already doing (at least some of the time) for my own health also improved my beard health. The most helpful ones were eating good food, improving my sleep, and getting good at eliminating lots of stress while effectively managing that which remains. It took time to figure out what to do in those areas, especially with my emotions. Since I’ve healed so much of the pain around my dog Sawyer’s death, I now have much more time and energy to take good care of myself in other areas, including caring for my beard.

Anytime I’ve made huge changes in my life, I only did so when things got bad enough to make the pain of change smaller than the pain of staying the same. That seems to be how I make all major changes in my life, and it appears to be the case for most other humans as well. Why make huge changes if everything is going well? In addition to that being unnecessary, there are also the risks that such changes will make things worse and that returning to the previous position won’t be possible. In contrast, when enough things are going badly, it’s worth experimenting to see what can be improved. Such situations almost always have at least a few areas that are clearly in need of improvement, and starting there tends to make things dramatically better.

There is also the issue of being comfortable with the way things are. As long as they aren’t excessively painful, there’s a tendency to keep things the same. I can overcome that to some extent by making small changes, as I’ve done for many years. However, sometimes that only works to temporarily relieve some uncomfortable symptoms of a deeper problem. The dietary changes I made a few months ago only came after about a week of gastrointestinal discomfort that my usual methods of treating failed to fix. Once I made some major changes, the symptoms went away, and, I hope, the underlying issues also did. Since my health has gotten much better over the last few months while sticking to healthy eating more often than not, I believe I’m in the clear here. I hope I can learn to make important changes before things go way off the rails.

As my beard continues to look and feel better, so do I. I’m enjoying the scents, rituals, experimentation, and improvements in the health of my beard. Beyond all of that, this is another form of self-care, which always makes me feel good. It’s nice to take care of myself and feel even a small amount of self-love. I first realized the connection to self-care when I noticed myself looking forward to caring for my beard each day and feeling happier afterward. That was a welcome observation. Additionally, since I never paid much attention to beard care until recently, I’ve never seen the full potential of my beard. It’ll still take a while for me to learn how to properly care for it and for it to settle into the form I prefer. I look forward to seeing what it looks like when that happens. Until then, I’ll keep enjoying this journey and the benefits that come from taking good care of myself.

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