I’ve thought a lot about punishment over the last few years. There are a lot of different perspectives on this subject, and discussions around it often become heated in a hurry. Here is my take on punishment.
To start, what I mean by “punishment” is causing someone pain because they’ve done something one dislikes. I see punishment as being about revenge, not about instilling good behavior, good virtues, or any other similar justification for punishing someone. All of those can be brought about without punishment. Cases where punishment seems to work inevitably involve the person who is being punished either being shown a better way to do something or figuring out one on their own. Anyone who’s taught enough things to enough people knows that when somebody is doing something counterproductive, it’s often because they simply don’t know a better way to do it. Without knowing a better way, they will either continue trying one or more bad ways of doing that thing or they’ll give up entirely. When shown a better way, they embrace it and give up their previous approach. That is positive behavioral change without punishment, and it’s something I do whenever I assist someone with juggling, unicycling, or anything else I know a great deal about. Instead of punishing them for making mistakes, I compliment them on what they’re doing well, gently point out something that will improve what they’re doing, and celebrate with them when they succeed. This keeps everyone involved feeling good and wanting to continue instead of feeling upset and wanting to quit.
Many people fear making mistakes because they’ve been punished for doing so. If the punishments were especially severe and frequent, this can result in such a huge fear of failure that they worry excessively even in simple situations, do almost nothing without permission where no permission is actually needed, and intentionally aim so low that they get hardly anything accomplished. Also, one of the biggest problems with punishing someone for making mistakes is the fact that mistakes are an inevitable part of the learning process. Thus, punishing someone for making mistakes discourages them from learning and improving at whatever they’re working on.
Along with being punished for making mistakes, almost everyone has gotten punished at some point in their lives for breaking rules despite never being told what the rules were. This applies to adults and kids alike. In fact, there are so many rules in the adult world that nobody can name them all or even know how many there are, and yet adults are still routinely given harsh punishments for breaking those rules that almost nobody knows exist. Of all the reasons given for punishing someone, doing so because they broke a rule that they were never told about has to be one of the cruelest.
Additionally, punishment sometimes results in more unwanted behavior. Many folks have lied out of fear of being punished for admitting when they’ve messed up, saying that they need help, crying, or even simply telling someone that they feel upset. Others become violent and run roughshod over everyone else. Some individuals resort to abuse in certain situations and people pleasing in others. In many cases, it also makes those at risk of being punished for particular kinds of behavior think up increasingly clever ways to avoid getting caught instead of avoiding that behavior. It would be much better for both them and the person wanting to punish them if they instead sat down together, found out why one of them did something troublesome, and worked together to solve the underlying problems. Then their relationship would improve, and they would see any negative behavior automatically go from unhealthy to healthy in a lasting way without the constant threat of punishment hanging overhead.
Some might say that some humans can’t be reasoned with. I agree. Humans are fundamentally driven by emotion, so nobody is inherently reasonable or capable of being reasoned with when their emotions are driving them in the opposite direction. That’s why anybody who works as a hostage negotiator or in any other field that requires bringing peace to stressful and dangerous situations has to use empathic listening, a calming voice, and other techniques that work on the emotional level. An objection to this might be that those techniques don’t always work. That’s true. They do sometimes fail, as do all other human endeavors. Even the best hostage negotiators don’t always succeed in getting the hostages released safely. The fact that even the best methods aren’t foolproof is a poor excuse for using the worst methods (yelling, violence, punishment, etc.), which are even more likely to fail. Any hostage negotiator who tried a hostile approach with a kidnapper would guarantee that any and all hostages would never again see the light of day. How many goals and relationships are similarly being held hostage in everyday life through hostility and punishment?
Here’s an example of one of the few things I disliked in the book Boundaries: a girl doesn’t want to go to the dentist, her father says she’s then “choosing” to not go to a party she was looking forward to attending, and she reluctantly agrees to go to the dentist after all. While this is presented as an example of boundaries, it’s actually a threat of punishment. A boundary is what you will say or do for yourself, not an attempt to control or hurt somebody else. Further, the father makes no attempt to understand why she doesn’t want to go to the dentist (which could include a fear of the dentist that the girl and her father can work through together, concern if the appointment conflicts with something else she wanted to do during that time, discomfort if the dentist acted inappropriately toward her last time, etc.). For both the girl’s own health as well as the relationship between her and her father, the best course of action is to eschew punishment in favor of identifying her concerns and working through them together.
This brings up another point worth mentioning: kids often have issues that they cannot effectively communicate, whether because of their age, disabilities, or something else beyond their control, and yet they’ll still get punished when they struggle. For example, some parents either punish their kids if they don’t want to eat a certain food or force them to eat that food only to later learn that their kids are actually allergic to it! Their kids may not be old enough to understand what allergies are, may not realize that there’s an allergic reaction going on regardless of age, or lack the words to describe their experience, but they do know that they feel bad when they eat that food. Parents who force that food on their kids and punish them for resisting or expressing discomfort only make matters worse. In contrast, parents who listen to their kids, notice when things are going badly, and take them to the doctor to find out what’s wrong are doing a much better job of taking care of their kids. This is one of many areas in which punishment falls short while alternative approaches shine, and it can be used equally well with adults who are having a hard time expressing their concerns and needs.
At best, I see punishment as an unsuccessful attempt to make things better. At worst, I see it as intentional acts of cruelty inflicted on others out of anger, hatred, and a desire to bring them pain. This is based on countless examples of alternative approaches being discussed in great detail and then getting immediately dismissed by those who defend punishment. For example, A might say that they have a special situation that makes punishment necessary. If B describes a similar situation and explains how they navigate it without resorting to punishment, A will again dismiss what has been said and continue asserting that they need to use punishment (often while levying personal attacks against B instead of considering what B is saying or at least acting in a civil manner). That swift dismissal without showing why anything brought up was incorrect or impractical and without thinking about how it could apply to their situation suggests that they have no desire to even consider any alternatives to punishing others who do things they dislike.
I see this a lot from those who received harsh, violent punishments as kid. They often say they turned out fine, yet they almost always react with hostility to the idea that those punishments left them with lasting pain or that they shouldn’t be punishing their own kids. They’re demonstrating the trauma response of fight, which they also default to when they administer punishment while yelling, cursing, hitting someone, etc. (not to mention that punishment itself is just another form of fighting). In this state, it is almost impossible to think clearly, see other options, and take any path other than the one currently being followed (even if one or more other paths are better). When they can’t decide to try something new in the heat of the moment, they can only fall back onto old patterns of behavior, whether they developed those patterns themselves or inherited them from older family members.
I believe that being punished early in life is the primary reason that punishment continues to be used in many areas of life and gets passed down to each new generation. I also suspect that guilt on the part of those who use punishment is a big part of the hostility and defensiveness they exhibit when confronted. If that’s correct, then instead of suppressing their guilt and attacking whoever criticizes them, they could find peace by releasing the guilt and finding peaceful ways to interact with others. That would also, I hope, stop the punishment from getting handed down to future humans.
This would be a monumental shift since punishment has been one of several constants throughout human history. Some seem to think that “civilized” societies are far more advanced than “primitive” societies, particularly in how disputes and violence are handled. However, this is just an illusion. All societies that are built on violence and punishment feature both as regular parts of life. Attempted justifications and those tasked with doling out the punishment have varied, but it’s still been used widely across cultures, countries, and time periods either as a threat to make humans of all ages follow orders or as a way to hurt them for disobeying. Whether it’s one individual punishing another, a local group doing so, or members of one or more society-wide institutions carrying it out makes no real difference. The only true difference is that the punishment present in many modern societies is harder to see or recognize as punishment compared to the much more open punishment of many past societies.
The many punishments I received growing up have given me a lot of fear in social interactions, especially with those in positions of power over me. I still can resort at times to people-pleasing, ignoring my own needs and wants in favor of pleasing others, and feeling afraid of standing up for myself against mistreatment. I especially fear talking about my ideas when they are in stark contrast to someone else’s, particularly when that person is quick to anger. That’s why I feel much more comfortable sharing what’s on my mind and heart through writing, such as in this blog.
The emotional work I’ve done has reduced a lot of my above issues, in addition to reducing my tendency to keep in negative emotions until I explode on someone. I still have a long way to go, however, to rid myself of the belief that I’m a horrible human who doesn’t deserve good treatment or the option to request a situation change in ways that would make me feel more comfortable. I envy those who have never had to face anything like that, and I dearly hope I can eliminate that while I’m still young.
For full disclosure, the desire to punish others still exists within me. I often want to punish those who hurt me so much growing up, anyone who hurts innocent humans or animals, and everyone who makes general life worse for everyone. That said, I want to live in a world without punishment. A world in which mistakes are met with grace, gentle guidance takes the place of actions meant to cause pain, and everyone feels safe to interact with others in a variety of ways without fear of negative repercussions. I know that punishing others will just add to the pain in the world and keep things going as they are, so I do my best to do better. While I can do little to convince others to help build a peaceful world, I can do my part to help it along by refraining from punishing others and choosing options based on peace instead. The more I heal, and the more I heal old pain from early in my life, the weaker that desire to punish others becomes. On my best days, I have lots of patience, grace, and forgiveness for myself and everyone around me. That gives me hope that I can continue doing better here.
Fortunately, some have also chosen to do better. I saw this firsthand during one of my trips to the local zoo. A family was watching some gorillas when the son fell down. He started crying right away after the dad helped him up. The dad then set his son on his knee, softly patted his back while giving him a lengthy hug and gave him comforting words as he cried (“Take a minute, buddy” and “It’s been a long day, I know”). The boy cried for a minute or two while still getting those pats and comforting words. The dad then asked his son in a gentle voice if he wanted to go home or see the alligators. He started to walk away, son still in his arms, when the boy asked to see the baby gorillas. He still sounded a bit upset but was no longer crying and had mostly returned to how he was before (talking calmly and asking questions about the animals).
I teared up a bit after seeing that. The dad showed more concern for his son than whatever anyone nearby might have thought about his son crying in public. He said nothing along the lines of “Stop crying” or “That wasn’t that bad a fall” or anything else. It was also nice that the dad gave his son the option to go home and rest or keep exploring the zoo for a while longer. That sort of present, emotionally intelligent response can’t come out of nowhere, so I figure that’s the dad’s go-to response whenever his son feels upset and needs some comfort. I can imagine his son taking away the lesson that his dad will be there for him even when he feels hurt, scared, and upset; that crying is ok; and that they can sit together through the hard, painful times. I didn’t say anything to the dad, although I did consider thanking him for handling that so well. I’m glad I got to witness that gentle parenting in action and it gave me hope that things are moving in a good direction in at least certain areas. I hope that becomes the go-to response of anyone whose kids need comfort, love, and support during a painful, scary time.
Jason Wilson has done an incredible job of overcoming his abusive upbringing to mentor young men and boys who are trying to navigate similar struggles. Here, he demonstrates noticing some pain in one of his students, making it safe for the student to share his painful feelings, and even to cry in front of everyone without being mocked or shamed. This allows the student to overcome his limitation and succeed where he once thought he’d fail. A powerful lesson.
Marshall Rosenberg was an expert at hearing and meeting the needs of everyone who called on him for help. He spoke and wrote a lot about resolving conflicts through this exact method. Although it can be difficult to have enough presence and emotional intelligence to focus more on someone’s emotions and needs than the harsh things they might be saying, it can be learned and used to bring about solutions that focus on Win/Win instead of Win/Lose.
Mister Rogers spent his entire adult life modeling peaceful ways of living. Generations of kids and adults alike learned how to better relate to themselves and those close to them, whether in good times or hard times. He even shared how he apologized to his grandson after taking out some anger on him. In addition to showing that even someone as kind, patient, and loving as Mister Rogers could still make mistakes at times, he was still willing to own up to them and make things right again.
There are even entire countries in which alternatives to punishment are being utilized with great success. While I haven’t heard of any thus far that have completely eliminated punishment, some have greatly scaled it back. Unlike most other prisons in which punishment is a huge part of the process, the extent of the punishment in Norwegian prisons is the inmates’ lack of freedom to leave the prisons until their sentences are over. The primary focus is on rehabilitation, even for those who commit incredibly violent acts. As a result of extensive training for guards in (among other subjects) psychology, communication, law, and de-escalation, in addition to prisons that are designed to as closely as possible mimic normal Norwegian society, Norwegian prisoners are far less likely to commit acts of violence after being released than US prisoners. If this works with incredibly violent humans, think about how well it can work for everyone else.
My dog Sawyer responded much better to gentle guidance than punishment. Since I was the least likely of his human family to punish him, I think it’s no coincidence that, over time, he grew closer to me than anyone else. I’m so thankful that our friendship was such that we could let each other know what we needed and help meet those needs without punishing each other.
Without punishment or the threat thereof, it becomes much easier to work through issues with others, clean up messes together, and share deep feelings. Everyone I’ve seen speak favorably about punishing others has never shown that same enthusiasm when it comes to accepting punishment when they do something someone else dislikes. It’s easy to be in favor of punishment when it’s someone else who gets hurt; it’s a whole different ballgame when one’s own safety and wellbeing are at risk. That may be the way in: showing those who support punishment that, just as they feel better and learn better when given gentle guidance rather than punishment, so do others. Only time will tell if this or anything else will bring about a more peaceful world. If it does, I hope I’ll be around to see it and enjoy it, at least for a little while.
