Watching Myself Change

Posted on February 23, 2022 by admin

Watching myself change brings up a lot of mixed emotions. Overall, it’s been a relief to feel increasingly deeper peace, let go of most of my anxiety, and learn more about who I am. Sometimes, though, it’s shocking to consider some of the changes. This is especially the case with things I once believed that I no longer do as well as things I now believe that I never thought I would. Lots of things seemed so certain to me until they didn’t. That’s part of the growing process; finding more pieces of the puzzle brings increasing nuance and understanding.

Sometimes I wonder what people who know me or used to know me think about these changes, if they’re even aware of them. I haven’t worried much about this since I decided that I’ve gotta keep growing and improving even if someone dislikes the direction I’ve gone. Giving myself that permission was incredibly freeing. Talking about my journey helps me find people with similar ideas and journeys. It’s also shown me that some people I’ve known for most of my life and knew me when I was quite different are surprisingly ok with the way my life has gone. This may be because I feel increasingly more comfortable being myself as I go. Being myself makes people feel comfortable to be themselves around me and vice versa.

Several people I know have told me that I’ve put into words something they’ve experienced but haven’t been able to describe. That always feels awesome to hear and it’s one reason I keep sharing my ideas through writing. On that note, I’m glad I started and maintained this blog. It’s served as a record of my ever-changing life philosophy. That philosophy will keep changing and there’ll be inconsistencies, and that’s fine. I don’t know if it’s possible for my ideas to be 100% consistent. There are certainly inconsistencies between what I once believed and what I now believe; that’ll also be the case between what I believe now and what I believe later in life, whatever that ends up being. I look forward to continuing this journey and seeing where it takes me.

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Letting Moments Breathe

Posted on February 16, 2022 by admin
May be an image of nature, twilight, ocean and sky
Beautiful sunset over the St. Johns River

It’s so important to give space for moments to breathe, whether those moments are serious or lighthearted. So many people will watch a video or a listen to a song and talk through the whole thing instead of paying attention to it. As a result, they miss out on the good parts unless someone rewinds it so they can actually be present for the experience. Even if they’re quiet throughout, they’ll often start speaking as soon as it’s over instead of taking a few intentional breaths while they gather their thoughts. When I’m listening to music and a song comes to an end, rather than resume my normal activities right away, I like to give at least a few moments for the song to fully fade out and the world around me to fully fade back in.

There’s a sacredness and magic to doing that. It’s a way to honor what I just experienced and let it fully sink in before moving on. Doing this with people close to me in social situations makes those moments even more beautiful. Instead of making a silence awkward, we soak in it and just be in each other’s presence. It doesn’t get much better than that. If there’s something to say, that’s fine, but no need to add words just for the sake of having words instead of letting the silence be. There’s a lot you can pick up on by being quiet and seeing how each moment feels and breathes rather than thinking or talking so much about it.

Letting moments breathe also makes my hobbies more enjoyable. Whenever I accomplish something that I’ve been working at for a long time or I’m doing something that always requires several attempts before I get it, I like to pause and celebrate afterward, even if that involves simply smiling and sighing with relief. That’s a lot nicer than immediately moving on to the next thing. Also, if I’m swing dancing and there’s a pause in a song or another kind of opportunity to do something a little different and unexpected, taking advantage of it is always delightful for both me and my dance partner.

I’d much rather sit quietly while enjoying a sunset (as I did with a friend earlier this year) than talk at length about how it looks, how it makes me feel, etc. The silent experience is so much more powerful and moving than narrating it. This has been especially important for me lately. For some reason, I’ve had little interest in socializing with even my close friends and I’ve found it extremely difficult to converse in person. It’s easier online but still more difficult than usual. In person, it takes a huge amount of effort so it tires me out easily, unless I’m having silly/lighthearted conversations. Even those I can only handle for so long before I want to fall asleep. Fortunately, I’ve been feeling significantly better after making some small but important changes, so my sociability is steadily climbing once again. That lets me find the right words during the talking moments and allow space to breathe during the quiet moments.

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Recent Feelings and Realizations

Posted on February 9, 2022 by admin

Whenever I get into a funk, I explore it to see what it’s telling me. The one I’ve been in lately has an important message about my role in life, especially for how I relate to others. Here’s an exploration of what I mean and also a way to get it off my chest so I can better move through it.

A lot of people, especially people close to me, have told me that I’m smart, wise, and have good ideas. Yet almost nobody ever takes the advice I offer, even when they ask me for advice. In some cases, they even go so far as to tear down my ideas. Needless to say, this creates a lot of confusion in me. How can they praise my ideas one moment and then decry them the next? If they really think so highly of me, why don’t they listen to me?

I often think about how some of the people I admire the most, such as Eckhart Tolle and David Hawkins, would draw huge crowds to their events. Crowds full of people whose lives had been changed by those teachers and were looking for more guidance. Why can’t I draw those crowds? Even though I haven’t been putting my ideas out there for long, I’d think I’ve done enough thus far to get at least a small crowd for the personal growth events I host.

This has impacted my interactions as of late. Although I prefer deep conversations to small talk, right now I most prefer silence. It’s a lot more meaningful and less stressful for me. No words, just being with each other and maybe doing something together if we’re sharing an activity. I’ve had an incredibly hard time having interesting conversations even with friends lately so staying quiet and enjoying the moment is what I prefer for the time being.

Is this an ego thing? Probably. I do have a savior complex and seek to help almost everyone I’m close to, even if they’re not interested in my help. I think this season is meant to help me surrender this so I can move forward without the pain and bitterness that comes with it. That would explain why things have slowed down a lot for me, especially my social gatherings. Fewer things to do gives me plenty of space to let go of what’s holding me back.

Since I can’t find a relevant quote, I’ll paraphrase it here: Being a hero requires someone else to be in trouble. That always gives me pause when I remember it. Ultimately, I’d rather people be well off and not be in a position to need help in the first place. I haven’t thought a whole lot about what I’d do if that’s how the world worked but I realized I have already been acting that way. I’ve been pursuing activities and people I find meaningful without stressing out or attempting to save everyone. That feels great and I plan to keep doing that.

This doesn’t mean I’ve given up all my big goals. I’m simply pursuing them in a different way. In addition to this blog, I’m still working on my communication book and I have a few other books in mind to write someday. Plus I’ll continue having deep conversations with people who are interested in these ideas and I’ll use my business to help those who come to me. My plan is to keep sharing what works for me and let everyone decide what to do for themselves. What works for me may not work for them; even if it does work for them, I can’t make them do it, so why feel upset if they do something different?

It’s easy to talk about doing this. Following through with it is a horse of a different color. I’ve attempted to do this before and didn’t succeed for more than a little while. Given how 2021 turned out for me, the lessons I learned, and all of these recent realizations, I think I now have a much better shot at sticking to this for the long haul. Taking this approach has already given me much more peace than I’ve felt in a long time so it seems I’m on the right track. If so, then this could be the biggest shift of my life and open the door to everything I’ve been building up to for years. I’ll let you know how it goes later this year.

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Building up and Tearing Down

Posted on February 2, 2022 by admin

Anyone can criticize bad ideas and most people do so. Some people do this to the point that they’ll tear down anyone else’s ideas, even if they’re good. A lot of these people never put up anything themselves, though, since it’s easier to tear down than it is to build. They have no ideas for making things better and they rarely, if ever, say that anyone else’s ideas have any merit. Often, they’ll only comment to show their disagreement, never to contribute meaningfully. These kinds of people can be extremely draining and demotivating.

In contrast, there are people who breathe life into anything and everything they touch. They’re quick to praise others for their good ideas. If they see problems with an idea, they talk first about what they like to show that there’s something worth using there. They can even come up with ways to make bad ideas good and good ideas great. Those people are incredibly motivating and energizing.

Opposing things will only take you so far. It’s not enough to tear down bad things that don’t work; there have to be good things that work well to take their place. That’s why I’ve spent a lot of time experimenting to see what makes my life better. Not just by eliminating things that don’t work but also by finding things that do work. Good times for me to wake up and go to sleep, giving myself the rest and self-care I need to feel better, how to get through my day effectively, and so on. That’s also why I spend a lot of time thinking about what positive changes could be made in the world rather than solely what things could be removed. I’m looking to add value as much as I take away negativity. That is the other side of the coin that’s necessary for major improvements, whether in oneself or in the world in general.

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More of My Thoughts on Taking Chances

Posted on January 26, 2022 by admin

As I look back over my life and realize how many chances I’ve taken, it makes me wonder why taking chances can still frighten me. The unknown hasn’t always made me feel afraid but it has done so for most of my life. Despite the fear, I still like taking chances and exploring a lot of possibilities. Here’s why.

For starters, taking chances gives me a lot of cool stories to tell. That’s one of the greatest benefits of going a lot of places, meeting a lot of people, and doing a lot of things. I always come home from those adventures with lots to talk about and lots of things to share. They give me plenty of great experiences, insights, and lessons to share. I wouldn’t have those if I had stayed put and stuck to a more traditional life path.

Stepping into new experiences also keeps me from wondering what would have happened. This one has gotten me to do a lot of things despite feeling afraid. There’s nothing like the threat of regret to nudge me toward yes to something I want to do. Even if it ends up being a letdown or a dead end, at least I’ll know whereas I may not have known had I said no.

Speaking of dead ends, sometimes it helps to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out; I can always shift into something else, even if I don’t have a backup plan ready in advance. I’ve learned enough difficult skills to know that it often takes many attempts before success arrives. If it becomes clear that some change is required to bring about success, I’ve gotten good at pivoting into that change. This isn’t always easy and it’s almost never instantaneous but it is doable, so I know that I won’t be stuck in a painful situation the rest of my entire life.

It can still be scary to step into something new without knowing what’s on the other side. I’m feeling some of that fear right now as I’m in the middle of some big life changes. No idea what’s going to happen, when it’ll happen, or how I’ll feel about it. Fortunately, the fear of change is much smaller at this point. Even when it does appear, I’ve gotten good at carrying on anyway. In times of doubt, I also like to remember how I’ve often found what I was looking for by going way off the beaten path and not knowing how it’d turn out. In many cases, I also got a great deal of benefits that I never imagined. This is wonderfully illustrated in The Truman Show when Truman began to notice some of the flaws that gradually revealed the false world he was living in. He kept thinking of a button someone once gave him that asked “How’s it going to end?” That’s what he had to answer for himself. He could stay in the imaginary world where he’d be safe from all harm or he could go out into the real world with a lot of unknowns and make his own way in life. He chose the second option. I’m choosing that option as well. Which one will you choose?

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Such Sweet Sorrow

Posted on January 19, 2022 by admin

I’ve never enjoyed saying goodbye. At least not to people I’ve grown close to. I’m pretty good at coming up with the right words and speaking from my heart. That doesn’t mean I enjoy it, especially if it’s someone I won’t ever see again or won’t see again for a long time. I often worry that I’ll start crying and feel awkward. Then I start wondering if it’d be better to cry around them to show how much they mean to me.

Despite the difficulty, I still do it. I’d rather go through the pain involved in getting that closure than regret not doing it. That’s why I don’t understand why it’s so common to wait until someone is on their deathbed or even lying in a coffin at their funeral to tell them how much they’re appreciated, valued, and loved. Why isn’t it more common to say those things while that person is still alive and healthy? The same goes for when someone is moving away or going to a different school, job, etc.

Animals often fully express the love they feel for other animals and humans. I see this all the time in my dog as well as most other dogs I meet. The dog isn’t concerned with how anyone will respond, what anyone else thinks, or if the dog will look silly. No room for any of that with so much love pouring out. We can learn a lot from animals in this regard.

I don’t know if people in countries outside the US are more forthright with their feelings. For that matter, I don’t even know if people elsewhere in the US, or even outside some of the circles I’ve been in, are like this. I feel grateful to have gotten to know plenty of people who express their love for each other during the pleasant times, not just the hard times. I hope I come to know more people like this.

A friend recently reminded me of a beautiful idea when it comes to saying goodbye: this isn’t goodbye, it’s see you later. “Goodbye” sounds so definitive whereas “see you later” sounds temporary. I love that. It’s also true more often than not that the parting is only temporary. Whether months or even years go by between visits with a friend, those visits will come around again. That’s why the best way I can think to close this post is to say thanks for reading and I’ll see you later.

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The Value of Playing Games

Posted on January 12, 2022 by admin

Games can be a great way to foster community and civility between people. Even though there is a competitive aspect since nobody likes to lose, there’s still something liberating about playing games. You’re free to act silly, say and do things that you normally wouldn’t, and have a ton of fun. They provide a great opportunity to practice being unconcerned with what others think of you, which can carry over into other areas of life.

They’re also great for teaching lessons about winning and losing. Someone who usually excels at whatever they do may learn how to be humble if they discover a game that challenges them. On the flip side, someone who struggles with a lot of activities but finds a game for which they have some talent can learn how to enjoy their victory without going overboard. Win or lose, there’s always a lesson to be learned and another opportunity to try again later.

Games are my preferred way to break the ice and get to know somebody new or get closer to somebody I already know. They give everyone something to focus on besides small talk or nonstop conversation. There’s typically a lot of laughter, which is incredibly freeing as well as unifying when everyone’s laughing together. This makes it easier for me to relax, be myself, and then interact more comfortably with everyone after we’ve finished playing.

Those are some of the many benefits of playing games with other people, whether you’re playing board games, card games, word games, a sport, or any other kind of game. I love a good game night but you don’t have to wait until then to have fun. Dancing, juggling, telling stories, taking pictures, and almost anything else can become a game if you know how to make it one. Bringing a sense of play into daily life can make hard times more bearable and good times even better. How do you incorporate games and play into your regular life?

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Hiding Emotions

Posted on January 5, 2022 by admin

Negative emotions can make major life changes difficult to handle. However, I find certain positive emotions can make things even more difficult. I don’t mean emotions such as excitement over new adventures, relief from getting out of a painful situation, etc. I mean the emotions that I don’t want to admit I have, even to myself.

When someone I dislike leaves my life, I almost always feel a sense of relief. Sometimes, however, there’s also some sadness mixed in. This usually occurs when my relationship with that person had a mix of highs and lows. While I don’t miss the hard times, I do miss the pleasant times. I also miss the potential of who that person could have been, which is often nothing more than the image in my head of who I once thought them to be.

Despite the pain they’ve caused me, there might still be a part of me that is drawn to that person and will miss them when they’re gone, even if I don’t always understand why. I stuck around as long as I did because of the good times. Although it may be the best thing for my mental health to stop seeing them, that’s not always easy. It can be hard to acknowledge the good, the pleasant, the fun, and the enjoyable that existed alongside the dark, the painful, the abusive, and the unpleasant. It’s way easier to cut someone off if our interactions were all bad and no good. But since that’s rarely been the case in my life, failing to acknowledge the good times that I’ll miss keeps me feeling stuck. That’s why noticing whenever there was some pleasure, some enjoyment, and even some peace is important for healing the pain and moving forward.

When a situation was negative or at least ended badly, I often wish that it hadn’t gone that way. I’ll wish instead that it’d been a positive, healthy situation and that it had ended on a good note. Pretending to not have those feelings and desires keeps the pain going and prevents me from moving forward and getting past the grief. I’d rather be honest with myself and notice all the feelings so I can let them go and be free.

It’s become fairly easy to acknowledge the negative emotions in almost any situation. However, it’s still difficult to acknowledge the positive emotions that appear even in dark times. Simply having this realization has been helpful, as has remembering how I always feel relieved when I finally acknowledge the emotions I’d been hiding from myself. That then frees up a lot of energy that I can spend on more enjoyable things. What’s your experience been with this? I’d love to hear about it. Leave a comment if you like and I’ll see you in the next post.

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2022 Goals

Posted on December 29, 2021 by admin

For the past few years, I’ve come up with goals that I’d like to accomplish throughout the next year. I almost always come up with these before New Year’s and I don’t think of these as New Year’s Resolutions even though they’re quite similar. Since I’m nearly finished with my goals for 2021, here are my goals for 2022.

  1. Publish my book. I’ve been working on my communication book on and off for several years now. Even though I’ve nearly finished the first draft, there’s still a lot to do with it, including editing the final draft, adding illustrations, and figuring out how I want to publish it. However, I’ve done enough so far to make publishing it in 2022 an achievable goal and I’m going to make that happen.
  2. Launch my business. All the healing work I did this year gave me the inspiration to start my own business as well as the courage to follow through. I’ve spent much of this month working on it at my own pace. Since there are no products for sale, it’s entirely service-based, has low starting and overhead costs, and it’s a predominantly online business, I’m almost ready to go. I plan to launch it in January and I hope it catches on quickly so it can add value to many lives, including my own.
  3. Get more juggling gigs. Aside from the two that I had this month, I haven’t had a paid juggling gig since late 2020. I used to get a lot more of them and I also used to enjoy them a lot more than I have the past few years. Next year, I want to get more gigs, both because they pay well and because they’re a blast, even when I feel afraid. I also want to dive deep into the fear and anxiety around them so I can heal it and have fun like I used to.
  4. Juggle 5 clubs. This one has been on my list for years now. I learned to juggle 5 balls more than a decade ago. Not too long after that, I learned to juggle 5 rings. So far, I have yet to juggle 5 clubs. It’s the only one of the main juggling props of which I haven’t juggled 5. I managed to flash 5 clubs a lot last year and a few times this year but I haven’t yet managed a full juggle. I plan to change that by finally learning to juggle 5 clubs in 2022.
  5. Stretch every day. I’ve never managed to stick to a regular stretching regimen for long. I don’t know why since I always feel better when I stretch and I’ve come close to making it a habit on many occasions. I’m determined to fix this by stretching a little bit every day next year, even if it’s only for a minute a day. If I can stretch every day of the year, it’ll become a habit that even I’ll find difficult to break and my body will thank me for it.
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Reviewing My 2021 Goals

Posted on December 22, 2021 by admin

Last year, I set a number of goals that I hoped to accomplish in 2021. It’s time to revisit those goals and see how I did. Let’s take a look.

  1. Finish my first book. I have several books that I plan to write and I’ve gotten a good start on the first one. While it’s primarily about communication, it also contains several other related subjects such as mindfulness, emotional work, and healing the world. It’s based on things I’ve learned from reading and listening to great communicators, figured out for myself, and learned through the many interactions I’ve had with countless people in every area of my life. I hope to have it finished by the end of 2021. Once I’m done writing it, then I’ll work on getting it published. I’m excited for this and can’t wait to see where it leads.

    I made huge progress on my book over the course of 2021. At the time of this writing, I am nearly finished with the first draft. It’s taken a lot of work but I’m almost there. If all goes well, then the book will be published sometime in 2022. Lots of work left to do before it’s ready to publish but it feels great to be close to the finish line with this part of the process.

  2. Do even more emotional healing. This year forced me to work through a lot of stuff and I made huge amounts of progress. I’ve got much more to work through and I plan to continue doing so every day in 2021. Since I improved my life so much with five and a half months of consistent practice, I’m excited to see where I’ll be after doing this for a whole year. I’m confident I’ll keep this up since I now know both how to go about this and the benefits of doing it consistently.

    I certainly did plenty of this! It amazes me how much I’ve overcome and let go over the past year. That has given me the courage to move forward with some of my bigger projects, including one I’ll talk about in next week’s post. I realized last month that I’d been holding myself back due to fear. Since I’ve let go of so much fear and other kinds of negativity, I’ve taken several steps toward my dreams and am continuing to do something productive each day despite my remaining fears. That feels wonderful and I look forward to seeing how my life situation looks this time next year.

  3. Spend more time with my friends. When it comes to socializing, I’ve done less of that this year than I have in almost a decade. Digital interactions and phone calls do help but they’re no substitute for in-person interactions. The interactions I have had this year have mostly been wonderful and I’m so grateful for them. I’m hoping to have many more of them next year, especially with some of my closest friends whom I hardly ever get to see.

    Another huge success. From the very first day of 2021 through to this month, I’ve spent a lot of time visiting people close to me. Whether swing dancing, juggling, sharing a meal, helping someone move, or simply sitting down for a heart-to-heart, spending time with friends has been a huge and wonderful part of my year. My friendships also feel closer and more meaningful than they did before 2021. I’m not sure why exactly but I love it and I hope it continues.

  4. Read more consistently. I try to read a chapter of a book each day. This year, I was extremely hit or miss with that. Sometimes I went a week or more at a time without doing much reading and other times I read several chapters from multiple books in one day. Even though some of my books had extremely long chapters (over one hundred pages in some cases), mostly it was poor time management or emotional distress that kept me from reading as much as I wanted. So next year, I want to stick to reading at least one chapter a day (more if I like). I’ve gotten better at managing my time and reading throughout the day so I’m confident I can make this happen.

    This one I mostly accomplished. I definitely read more consistently this year than I did last year. Most days I read at least one chapter of a book and on many days I read two or more chapters from the books that had short chapters. Even with the books that had long chapters, I managed to read them throughout the day instead of attempting to read seventy or more pages right before bed. However, there were a few days in which I didn’t read a full chapter, whether due to time constraints or recovering from an injury. Instead of considering the whole goal to be lost on those occasions, I forgave myself for the days I missed and picked up right where I left off as soon as I could. That allowed me to stick to this goal for all but a couple of days this year and that feels great to me.
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