I recently realized the extent to which I’m affected by others and how much I still want to control their actions. While this has been an issue for most of my life, I didn’t become consciously aware of it until sometime in the past decade. This awareness has been an overall good thing as it has allowed me to examine the underlying issues that give me that desire and how I can control my own actions to keep my emotional and mental health in a good place.
I hate being on the receiving end of anything involving snark, sarcasm, mockery, or any other of the many ways in which many humans take out their pain on others or attempt to make themselves feel better by making others feel worse. Additionally, I no longer want to be part of any interaction in which I could set up a cardboard cutout of myself, walk away, and nothing about the interaction would change. It’s incredibly boring and draining listening to someone talk endlessly about their own opinions without showing any concern for those listening or giving anyone else room to share.
One of my goals for this year is to be more mindful, and that’s difficult enough to practice alone. It’s even harder to practice around others who fill every moment with needless words because they dislike silence. Similarly, it’s extremely hard to feel at peace around humans who are always on edge. Since most humans I’ve met fall into one or both of those categories, I find it exhausting to spend more than a small amount of time around them. The few I know who are at peace, enjoy silence, and seek Win/Win interactions (which are interactions that are good for both of us) are always a breath of fresh air.
It’s incredibly frustrating to be one of the few humans I know who seeks Win/Win interactions. Almost everyone seems to be creating Win/Lose interactions (interactions in which one benefits at the other’s expense) or Lose/Lose interactions (interactions in which both participants end up worse off). My efforts to shift others toward Win/Win have almost all failed, and I have lost interest in continuing to try. Instead, I will be pursuing one of the other options Stephen Covey describes in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Win/Win or No Deal. If a mutually beneficial interaction isn’t going to happen, then there will be no interaction. While this idea might be daunting to some, I enjoy my own company and dislike the typical, dysfunctional ways in which humans interact enough to enjoy the peace that comes with solitude. I’d much rather have a small handful of good folks around me than a huge number of stressful folks.
Instead of trying to change others, I usually end up setting extremely strong boundaries against those who do even miniscule things I dislike. This applies equally to those who’ve been in my life for many years and those who I’ve recently met. It’s easier to set boundaries against the latter, although I have given up on some of the folks I’ve known for quite some time after they crossed one too many lines. While they sometimes beat me to the punch, I’m generally the one who ends it. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve gone overboard with this. It’s hard to tell since I had no concept of proper boundaries growing up and nobody to demonstrate them for me. As with many who are working on healing and setting boundaries, I struggle on occasion to tell if I’m pursuing a healthy or unhealthy path.
The pain of the past four years, especially my dog Sawyer’s death, has made me more reserved and quicker to feel upset at things that used to not bother me at all. Given that, my painful upbringing, and everything that’s happened to me over the past decade, I no longer have any interest in forming close relationships with those who choose cruelty, especially those who know how much pain I’ve been in since Sawyer died and still treat me badly. Sawyer was so gentle and loving toward me during our time together. I do my level best to treat those close to me with a similar gentleness. Those who are either unable or unwilling to also be gentle toward me are no longer welcome in my life.
The incredible peace, strength, joy, contentment, and confidence I felt for most of September 2021 now seems like another lifetime. I can’t remember the last time I felt anywhere near how I felt then. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever return to that state of emotional freedom given how much pain I still carry around. It didn’t used to take me hours of emotional work to feel good enough to interact with others in fun settings like it has for almost two years now. I also find myself tiring out and feeling exhausted much more quickly than most other times in my adult life. I’m hoping that my annual reading of Letting Go by David Hawkins and continuing to release past pain will help relieve all of these issues. Just thinking about it has brought to mind several things I can work on healing. We’ll see how that goes over the course of this year. I hope to report back with good news soon.