Positive and Negative Humans

Posted on October 18, 2023 by admin

I’ve lost track of the number of humans I’ve met in my life. Considering how many different circles I’ve been in for school, work, volunteer, social, and hobby stuff, it’s probably in the thousands. As such, I’ve been around plenty of negative people and positive people alike. I’ve seen firsthand many times the impact each type has on a variety of situations.

Before going any further, I’ll clarify a few things. When I talk about negative people, I don’t mean those who feel bad at times. I’m talking about those who have made negativity a way of life and attempt to push their poor attitudes onto all of those around them. Similarly, I’m not talking about positive people as if they always feel good and never feel bad. I mean people who feel good more often than not and who do good wherever they go. With that in mind, on with the post.

Suppose you had to lift a heavy object. While you could manage it alone, it would take a long time and put you at risk of injury. Now suppose someone else helped you lift it. Together, you could get more done in less time and at much lower risk to both of you as well as the object. The more people there to help, the easier, safer, and faster the work would get done. This is what it’s like being surrounded by positive people.

In contrast, suppose the only people around were both unwilling to help you lift the heavy object and also attempted to talk you out of lifting it. Some of them may even try to physically prevent you from lifting it. The more people doing that, the lower the chances of anything good getting done. That’s how it is to have a lot of negative people around.

Negativity can dramatically increase as even one extremely negative person enters a situation and dramatically decreases once that person exits the situation. Having just a handful of those kinds of people around makes it much harder to feel good or accomplish anything worth doing. You might know someone who complains in almost every sentence. If so, then you’ve experienced how frustrating and draining it is to be around them. You might also know someone who says something uplifting on the regular, like Mister Rogers. The calming reassurance that flows from those kinds of people is so soothing and beneficial for productive activity. Whether things are going well or they’re going poorly in any given situation, having positive people around makes whatever is happening much easier to handle. Those people make bad situations bearable and good situations great.

Having a lot of positive people around you makes it easier to remove burdens and bear the burdens that can’t be removed (or that take a long time to remove). Think back to a situation you were in that seemed hopeless until someone noticed a solution that everyone else had missed and thereby resolved whatever problems were happening. That one person did what everyone else, both separately and together, failed to do. Imagine how much better the world would be if everyone in a situation were committed to finding and implementing solutions.

My dog Sawyer was a huge source of positivity. Even a brief interaction with him would make me feel much better, especially if I was going through a hard time. His death was a huge blow in so many ways, especially from the standpoint of positivity. Since he died, I’ve made a point to distance myself from excessively negative humans. This was pretty easy since I had hardly anybody like that in my life toward the end of Sawyer’s life. Further, I haven’t let those who’ve told me that “the pain never goes away” adversely affect my healing journey. In fact, I’ve proven to myself that those words are false as the pain has almost entirely gone away thanks to all I’ve done over the last year and a half. This shows that, at least to some extent, I can refuse to accept negativity from those around me. While I haven’t mastered it, I’m getting better at it every year, along with reducing the negativity I put out. That feels good, and I hope it does good in the world.

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Why Change Is Hard

Posted on October 11, 2023 by admin

All societies change in some ways over time, although those changes are often gradual and can be in either a good or bad direction. It’s incredibly difficult to intentionally change anything about society in a healthy way. While there are many reasons for this, one that often gets overlooked is the fact that to change one thing requires also changing many other things.

As an example, consider what would happen if everyone consistently got enough quality sleep, which is something Matthew Walker strongly advocates in Why We Sleep. Some of the benefits would include fewer total deaths, fewer diseases, fewer car crashes, better outcomes in hospitals for both patients and staff, longer lifespans, greater quality of life, less stress, improved relationships, and better school performance. In addition to immediately solving many existing problems, there would also be a much greater likelihood of solving many other problems. With that in mind, why is sufficient quality sleep the exception rather than the norm? I think the main reason is because of all of the societal changes that it would take to make that happen.

Some of those changes include different start/pickup times for school; changes in the start/end times of work shifts, flexible working hours, no shifts longer than a certain length, and taking breaks early in the afternoon for a nap; no more late night parties, games, excursions, study sessions, or anything else; different types of lighting and use of lighting, especially for devices that emit blue light; decreased use of technology, especially devices with screens; better stress management; less use of alcohol, caffeine, and other drugs that interfere with sleep; no more daylight saving time; major changes in travel between different time zones; and altered expectations around when things will be finished, including construction projects, the arrival of delivered products, etc. Imagine how hard it would be to change any one of the above. Think about all the resistance, fighting, and transitional challenges that have appeared whenever there’s been an attempt to make even one minor change in society. Now imagine trying to change everything on the above list.

There is always resistance to change, particularly when a change comes by force. However, even changes that are voluntary and would make things better for everyone are still resisted due to the status quo bias. The status quo bias involves someone thinking that the way things are now is the way they should be or inevitably will be, and that makes them reluctant to even attempt major changes. There is also the fact that so much of societal activity is built on habits, and The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg discusses how habits are essentially shortcuts that allow us to save brainpower for more strenuous tasks. Because of this, ingrained habits are incredibly difficult to change; the longer they’ve been ingrained, the more likely they are to be permanent. As hard as it is for an individual to change habits, it’s vastly harder for everyone in even a small society to change habits around anything, much less everything in life.

These are some causes of the difficulties in trying to make large-scale positive changes. At this point, I focus primarily on making things better in my own life and in the lives of those close to me. My focus for most of this year and last year has been healing from losing my dog Sawyer. That has gotten me to a place emotionally such that, regardless of how anyone else acts, I feel pretty good most of the time. Aside from making my own life better, the benefits of this can spread to those with whom I interact. Just as a bad mood is contagious, so is a good mood. If I’m feeling good and treating others well, that will positively affect them and everyone who crosses paths with them. Even if this produces no massive upheavals in society, it still makes the world a slightly better place. That’s all any one person can do: make the world slightly better or slightly worse. I’m trying to make it slightly better. How about you?

Posted in Getting Along with Each Other, Great Books, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Why Change Is Hard

My Take on Taking up Space

Posted on October 4, 2023 by admin

Sometimes I see or hear messages about “taking up space.” Although they’re occasionally in line with my approach to this, they’re usually vastly different. I’d like to explore some of my thoughts on this, including how it can be done well and how it can be done poorly.

To start, taking up space applies to one’s own space, not to someone else’s space. Aside from feeling upset when being on the receiving end of someone else taking up my space, I dislike seeing it happen to anyone else. Before giving examples of what I consider to be properly taking up one’s own space, I’ll give some examples of taking up someone else’s space. This can be done physically, such as getting much closer to someone than the person is comfortable with or violating their physical boundaries after they’ve been verbalized (such as hugging someone who has just said they don’t want to be hugged). Not everyone is ok with being physically touched, and even those who are comfortable with it tend to prefer giving permission for it and ending it when they are ready for it to be over.

Some examples of verbally taking up someone else’s space are interrupting others, not letting anyone else speak, repeatedly asking someone prying questions after they’ve said they don’t want to answer them, and trying to force a difficult conversation with someone after they’ve said they aren’t up to it at the moment and has asked to return to it later. Verbal space violations can be especially difficult to counter if one can’t get a word in edgewise to ask for more room to talk, change the subject, or safely express their feelings in a tense situation.

Similarly, properly taking up space can be done both physically and verbally. Examples of physically taking up space are staying where you are without moving if someone else is nearby and can easily get around you, moving away from someone who is making you feel uncomfortable and continues doing so even after you’ve asked them to stop, leaving an event when you are ready to leave without apologizing or needing permission to go, and moving out of someone’s way without apologizing if they request to get by. The last point is something I’ve gotten better at; I used to subconsciously believe that it was wrong to accidentally be in someone’s way, so I would take up as little room as possible and apologize when someone wanted to get by me, as if I was in the wrong for simply existing somewhere. I sometimes see folks apologize on occasion for this and I always hope they know that they’re doing nothing wrong by being where they are.

Verbal examples of taking up your own space include finishing what you’re saying even if others attempt to interrupt, using words to set and maintain boundaries, and letting someone know if they’re making you feel uncomfortable and asking them to stop. All of those are best done sooner rather than later. Although it can be tricky to find the courage to do them, the earlier they’re done, the better the chances they can be done effectively; waiting until one’s breaking point often results in yelling, fighting, hurt feelings, and strained relationships.

Examples of taking up space that could fall into either category or a different one altogether include not needing permission to exist, interacting with others in ways that are good for everyone involved, and doing what’s good for yourself without having to get someone else’s approval.

One reason it can be so difficult to find proper balance with all of this is because almost everyone seems to have been subjected to poor examples of boundaries during their formative years. Additionally, there is often punishment for kids who attempt to take up their own space or set boundaries with their parents, siblings, extended family members, teachers, classmates, and so on. Some folks who were punished early in life for taking up their own space may overcorrect later on by going beyond their own space to the point that they take up the space of others. On the other extreme, folks punished for taking up the space of others may think they can’t rightly take up even their own space. It can take years of healing and working at this to learn how to take up one’s own space while letting others do the same with their space.

My dog Sawyer helped me learn how to take up my own space while respecting the space of others. He gave me clear indications whenever he wanted to be by himself, sit or lie down with me, go outside, and so on. As our friendship grew, he also got good at knowing when I needed support and when to give me space. Although these signals could be given aggressively from both of us early on, they gradually became more subtle as we grew closer. Sawyer’s examples showed me how to set and maintain boundaries effectively without going overboard, and he did this better than most humans I’ve seen teaching these.

This can still be challenging at times. I’m grateful to have gotten as far as I have with it, and I’m glad that I generally make good use of the opportunities to practice boundaries and taking up space as they arise. It’s hard to tell how anyone else is doing. Taking up the space of others and not taking up one’s own space are both incredibly difficult to avoid after the difficult upbringings that so many have had. Generally, overcorrection seems more common, at least from what I’ve seen over the past few years. In time, I hope I and everyone else can fully settle into our own spaces with proper boundaries.

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on My Take on Taking up Space

Birthday Thoughts

Posted on September 27, 2023 by admin

I recently had another birthday. Up until 2022, my birthday was one of my favorite days of the year. I’d look forward to it for over a month, think about what presents I might get, and usually have some big celebration. All of that changed last year.

Losing my dog Sawyer in early 2022 made the rest of that year incredibly painful. My birthday was no exception. As painful as it was to have my first birthday without Sawyer since 2010, this birthday seemed like it would be more painful. Knowing that this would be my second birthday since Sawyer’s death, and that every remaining birthday would also be without him, hit hard. Sadness, frustration, and depression leading up to the big day were higher than they’d been in a long time. The depression got bad enough that I cried more in the days leading up to my birthday than I had since any birthday aside from the one in 2022.

Fortunately, to my surprise, the day itself turned out to be lovely. Despite a heavy downpour of rain and some lingering pain from missing Sawyer, I felt good for most of the day. I slept fairly well, had a decent start to the morning, and got a lot of nice things and hardly any bad things throughout the day. This year’s celebrations, if you can even call them that, were even smaller than last year’s. I went a few places with a few close friends in 2022. This time, I stayed home most of the day. My only treks outside the house involved a brief afternoon trip to the pet store (where I pet two hamsters and got to boop a ferret’s nose) and a nighttime neighborhood walk. Additionally, I had hardly any in-person interactions. I did talk via phone and video chat with four wonderful friends. Also, shortly before my birthday, I got to visit with a friend and her pup, both of whom had just moved back after being away for about a year. That was a wonderful gift.

Aside from the pet store visit and calls with friends, it turned out to be a pretty normal day for me. Doing everything at my own pace and mostly keeping to myself made for a chill, enjoyable experience. I might be feeling up to going bigger next year, but this year, keeping things small and simple were exactly what I wanted and needed. Feeling at ease for most of the day and going to bed feeling content reassured me that I had made the right call for how to spend this birthday.

I’ve heard several people say that their thirties were better than their twenties. All the struggles, emotional issues, self-image problems, and other unpleasantries went away and they were replaced with greater stability, peace, and satisfaction. I’m hoping that’ll be the case for me as well, given how insane the past ten years have been and how painful the past three years in a row were. It’s still early to make any bold predictions, but this new chapter of my life is off to a good start. Who knows? The remainder of this year could be my best year since 2019, and this new decade could be the best of my adult life. Here’s hoping.

Posted in Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Birthday Thoughts

Introversion and Extroversion

Posted on September 20, 2023 by admin

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Which one am I? Let’s explore this.

First, some definitions. The two most common definitions I see for each word involve either shyness or how one feels after socializing. “Introvert” is usually defined either as being shy or feeling drained by social situations, and “extrovert” is usually defined either as being outgoing or feeling recharged by social situations. Although either definition can work here, I’m approaching this post from the definitions involving either feeling drained or recharged by socializing.

Although others have often characterized me as an introvert, I have several problems with that, aside from the attempt to put me into a box instead of getting to know me better. I often feel more energized after being around kind, easygoing humans; I almost always feel drained after being around cruel, stressed humans. Sometimes I feel better after talking with some of my best friends when I feel down, and other times I only feel better if I get time to myself. Does that sound like extroversion or introversion? It sounds like neither one to me. I think those terms are useless because, at some point, everyone has been in one the above four situations. Also, I bet that even the biggest self-described extroverts still need and appreciate alone time. If nothing else, they must appreciate getting away from humans who make their lives more difficult.

This whole approach seems to be an example of the false dichotomy fallacy, which occurs whenever a limited number of options are presented as they only possibilities when there are actually more options available. I think both extremes of introversion and extroversion are due to an overactive sympathetic nervous system brought on by trauma early in life (and sometimes even before birth due to inheriting trauma from one or both parents). If that’s correct, then healing that trauma will allow the parasympathetic nervous system to engage, which will drastically alter an individual’s sense of self and all of that person’s relationships.

If someone’s inner voice is especially prone to guilting and shaming them, then they may seek excessive interactions with others to drown out that voice. That could explain why, when there are external distractions to focus on for hours at a time, some people feel more energized around others; when they’re alone and constantly listening to that negative inner voice with few to no distractions, they’d feel drained. In fact, someone once told me this very thing about her experience.

Similarly, some people have a negative inner voice that becomes most active around others. If someone is quite good at ignoring that voice when alone but keeps being confronted by it when socializing, then it stands to reason that they would find social interactions draining and solitude refreshing. That is essentially my own experience.

There’s also the fear I’ve had from a young age of being brutally punished (particularly by being hit or yelled at, or both) if I do something someone else dislikes. This fear is especially present in new situations, around humans I haven’t yet met or gotten to know, and when I’m around anyone who seems to be feeling frustrated. When I’m alone, that fear is either nonexistent or at least minimized. I’m certain that that’s another huge part of why some social situations can drain me while time to myself recharges me.

Some folks have said that they’ve gotten more social over time, especially after healing from trauma. When all the pain that weighed them down for so long is gone, they are able to prevent or at least minimize feeling drained after interacting with others. Others say that they’ve gotten less social over time. This can sometimes result from trauma they’ve experienced, which puts them on edge constantly and makes them feel drained much more easily from social interactions.

This reminds me of one of the central points of The Celestine Prophecy: humans have forgotten how to fill themselves up, so they attempt to either take energy from others or prevent others from taking their energy. It’s interesting to see this play out in the real world. Humans will go to incredible lengths to either force others to interact with them or force them to stay away. I do this as well, although I haven’t always. I had much more courage overall as a kid than I do now. Sometimes I get a flash of that courage; in some cases, it’s more than a brief flash.

When I let go of a ton of fear in late 2021, I went for about a month without getting drained from any social interactions. There was little to no fear during that time, so I dropped my guard no matter who I was around or what I did. Keeping my guard up takes a lot of energy, and I’m convinced that feeling comfortable enough to drop my guard was why I felt much more energized during that time. In addition to having much less fear to suppress, I also didn’t feel worried about how any interactions went. It was pretty easy during that time to either shrug off interactions that were suboptimal or shift them toward a better direction. Also, it took no effort to say or do anything in those interactions. It was as if I instantly knew the best thing to do. I felt indestructible that whole time.

In contrast, my guard was up almost constantly last year due to insanely high levels of fear and pain after my dog Sawyer died. Sawyer did so much for my emotional and mental health. In addition to making it easier to go out into the world, he also made it easier to bounce back from interactions with cruel humans, unmet expectations, injuries, and other painful experiences. Now Sawyer is not here to start my day off well before I go out, and he’s also not here to make a bad day better (or a good day great). Without him, I felt much more afraid of running into negativity. Managing that fear takes a huge amount of energy and can make even brief interactions with others incredibly draining.

Now I’m somewhere in between those extremes of courage and fear. Occasionally I feel nearly as courageous as I did in September 2021, and other times I feel as afraid as I did for most of 2022. I feel best when I interact with animals. They give and take roughly equally, and they always put a smile on my face and make me feel better afterward than I did beforehand. With humans, I feel best around those who are the most like me. I’m likely to get along well with anyone who does lots of listening without much talking, enjoys silence, gives others room to share, and talks about things that whoever they’re talking to also wants to talk about. I rarely feel drained after interacting with those kinds of folks and sometimes I even feel better. On the flip side, I’ll most likely not get along with someone who monopolizes the conversation, talks over everyone, never lets more than a few seconds of silence go by before resuming speaking, and talks only about their own interests. I will feel drained if I spend more than a few minutes interacting with anyone who does that.

In addition to the above, I feel best in any given interaction when I operate as I like. That includes staying quiet when I have nothing to say, talking at my own pace, pausing to gather a response before responding to what someone else has said, and leaving situations when I’m ready to leave. I feel bad when I attempt to force myself to speak, match pace with someone who speaks more quickly than I do, react immediately after someone finishes talking, and stick around well past the time I want to go. Essentially, the more I act differently than how I truly am, the worse I feel. The more I act in alignment with my true self, the better I feel.

I much prefer this way of looking at complex human personalities and relationships to the simplistic approach of putting everyone into one of two categories. Even though some folks close to me have expressed similar sentiment in the past, I still see lots of humans trying to fit everyone into a box. I hope that a more nuanced look at this stuff will become commonplace over the course of my life. Only time will tell which way it’ll go.

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Introversion and Extroversion

Life Buffet

Posted on September 13, 2023 by admin

I enjoy a good buffet on occasion. There’s something nice about being able to pick out the food I want, avoid what I don’t want, and choose the portion sizes that work well for me. That buffets are generally self-service and that there are ways to make the most of them are added bonuses. I often wish life were more like that. A life buffet, if you will.

The life buffet I have in mind would be similar to a regular buffet, except that instead of food, your life would be up for the taking. No matter how old you are or how much life you think you have left, imagine that your whole life is laid out in front of you. Everyone you’ve ever met, human or animal, living or dead, is there. Every experience you’ve ever had, every place you’ve ever been, and every version of yourself are all before you. You get to go through it all while deciding what you want to keep and what you want to avoid.

You could approach this in a variety of ways: as if you were designing a life after death that you’d want to live in forever, thinking about how a perfect year on Earth would look for you, designing something you could use to plan your retirement, etc. You might pick the times in life when you were healthiest, felt the most content, had all your loved ones (friends, family members, and animals) in good health and saw them regularly, were financially well off, etc. Similarly, you might avoid the times when you were the unhealthiest, felt the loneliest, were worst off financially, etc. Also, you could retain any lessons you learned during difficult seasons even if you chose to leave those seasons out of your life buffet.

For the general outline, I’d pick 2018, as that was the best year of my adult life. Almost everything in that year was wonderful or was moving in that direction. One of those wonderful things was getting to talk to one or two of my best friends on the phone almost every night. Another amazing feature of that year was how, despite being busy, I still had enough time and money to travel, go to weekend swing dance workshops, buy some nice things for myself and others, and have countless lovely day trips and micro adventures. Additionally, 2018 was the year my work capacity was its greatest: I lifted weights 3 times a week, danced 2-3 times a week, juggled often, and had a physical job that involved moving around heavy appliances. Above all else, my dog Sawyer was still living happily and healthily with me all throughout 2018. Even though I didn’t see him every day due to some traveling, we still spent all but a handful of days together that year.

Speaking of Sawyer, he would be back and better than ever. I’d give him the body he had when he was physically healthiest so that we could do all the fun activities again, like running around the backyard together, going on walks, playing for long periods of time, etc. However, since his health declined over the years as we grew closer together, I would give him the spirit he had when our friendship was strongest. That way he’d get the best of both worlds and we could live together in ways we never could before.

Physically, I’d want my body from when it was the strongest it’s been thus far, my hair from early high school, my beard from either 2019 or early 2022, and my eyesight from back when I was a little kid who didn’t yet need glasses. As for the inner stuff, I’d pick my current emotional intelligence and communication abilities, my indestructible sense of peace that lasted from late August through late September 2021, the memory and intelligence I had prior to a bad head injury in November 2021, and the positive sense of self I had before loads of trauma set in.

For family, I’d have my grandparents when they were all alive and well, and the close family members who’ve consistently treated me well throughout our relationships. As for friends, I’d pick the ones from each phase of my life for whom the relationships were at least good from beginning to end (or which continue to be good, for those friendships that are still going). I’ve had enough experience with abusive humans and have weeded enough of them out of my life over the past few years to know better than to bring any of them back just so they could spoil my life buffet. Only those who’ve been consistently kind to me make the cut.

There are plenty of details I’m omitting, and I might make some changes to the above if I could actually design my life in this way, but this is a good overview of how I’d approach my life buffet. The best times in my life have always been full of wonderful humans, animals, experiences, and things, in addition to having little to no negativity. That’s why I’d go for as much of the good and as little of the bad as possible. How about you? What would you include, and what would you exclude? More importantly, once you’ve got that figured out, how can you modify your current life to better match your ideal life?

Posted in Adventures, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Life Buffet

Benefits of Nostalgia

Posted on September 6, 2023 by admin

Nostalgia is a powerful thing. I’m convinced it’s so strong because it’s so comforting. Let’s explore that.

Some modern adults love toys, games, movies, TV shows, and other things that they enjoyed as kids. For many, those represent good times, simpler lives, and consistency. Dolls, action figures, and stuffed animals never judge, never disappoint, and never leave, unlike humans and real animals. I think that’s why it appears to be becoming increasingly common for adults to hold onto them as ballast through the rocky seas of adulthood. This is a much healthier approach than resorting to violence, alcohol, and other destructive behaviors in the hope of coping with pain.

The stuffed animals I have, particularly the ones who have been with me since I was a little kid, remind me of being that little kid. It’s nice to recall how I saw the world, how it was much easier overall back then to be myself, and the sense of lightness I had that I’m working so much to recover. Although I mostly spent time around stuffed animals until adulthood, being around real animals brings out the best in me, fills me up, and makes me feel like a little kid again. Something else that real animals have over stuffed animals is the ability to love in unexpected ways. My dog Sawyer did this for me all the time. While we had plenty of routines and familiar activities, he always found some new way to make me feel loved.

There’s a sweet kids’ book at a mall near me called Puppy Makes Mischief. It’s about a stuffed puppy who goes out to play while his human is away. Puppy has several fun adventures and gets back to the shelf before his human returns. Nothing bad happens, there are no obstacles to overcome, and it’s lighthearted throughout. I always enjoy reading the beginning and end of it whenever I go into that store. It reminds me of the golden times of my life when things seemed effortless, everything went in the right direction, and I could simply enjoy being. So many stories across all forms of media for all audiences have bad things happen to likeable characters for no clear reason outside of needlessly manufacturing drama. Aside from making it impossible to explore those fictional worlds in nice ways, I think it also heavily influences the behavior of those who consume such media. How much real-world drama and cruelty exists because everyone who sees that in movies, TV shows, books, and plays thinks that that’s how the world has to be? I’d like to see how things would change if more media showed sweet slices of life along the lines of Puppy Makes Mischief.

Since there are often obstacles and dramatic situations that arise in reality, nostalgic works can also be useful in addition to being comforting. Some works of fiction intended for kids model how to effectively handle those difficult situations. Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood is the best example of this I know. The Busy World of Richard Scarry is another excellent show that features stories in which characters make mistakes, atone for them, reconcile, and get along better as a result. Because of the simple presentation of solid lessons and the respect they have for viewers, revisiting those shows at times reminds me how to effectively manage my emotions, get along with others, overcome a difficult experience, and so on. I wish others who struggle with one or more of these would also watch those shows and benefit from them. That’d quickly make the world better for everyone.

Simplicity is a crucial aspect of effective teaching, and the best works for kids have lessons simple enough for kids comprehend. Adults can also benefit from this. James Holzhauer from Jeopardy! used kids’ books to quickly learn a lot of things. A few folks I know who speak multiple languages recommended watching kids’ shows in other languages. There are even some things I learned from watching kids’ shows years ago that I still remember to this day, such as the Animaniacs song listing all the US states and their capitols. These are a few examples of adults effectively using resources normally intended for kids.

I see no reason to abandon something that works wonderfully just because it might be intended for a different audience. Since 2017, I’ve tried out dozens of different life hacks. Some quickly fell away and others I use almost all the time. There are even useful things I learned early in life that I still use as needed. If something does the job, it doesn’t matter if it’s intended for kids, adults, or any other particular audience.

Some who feel concerned about watching TV shows and playing with toys intended for little kids (especially boys and men who do this) might do this in secret. That prevents them from having to deal with mockery, scorn, and shaming from others on top of their already existing pain. Once some of their old pain is gone, they might choose to reveal to certain individuals in their lives what helps them, or they might have already done that with some exceptionally understanding folks while the pain was still strong. Over the course of my life, it seems like others have become more understanding of those who enjoy some of their favorite youthful objects, works, and activities all throughout adulthood. That’s encouraging and I hope it continues as such. The way I see it, if A looks down on B for using something that makes life better, then A is the one with the problem, not B.

Although I only met Sawyer shortly before the end of my time in high school, I still consider myself to have been a kid when he came home. My life changed so much just about a year after that, so I easily get nostalgic for both him and the time in which we first met. That nostalgia grows even stronger whenever things are going badly for me, I’m losing important parts of my life, I’m feeling bad, or all of the above. Although Sawyer is no longer around, I’m glad to have so much that reminds me of him, in addition to still having several toys, stuffed animals, books, and other things I loved as a kid. The nostalgia around them and the fact that they are still here after all these years have been incredibly comforting to me through the humongous changes I’ve encountered since entering adulthood. Life can be difficult and painful, so why not embrace what makes it easier and lighter?

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Great Books, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Benefits of Nostalgia

Healing From Losing a Pet

Posted on August 30, 2023 by admin

Having a pet is one of the most wonderful experiences possible. The worst part of having a pet is the day your pet dies. Unfortunately, pets almost always die before their humans, and there isn’t always much that can be done to prepare. When preparation is possible, I have some suggestions based on my own experience with losing my dog Sawyer. Some of these I did and others I wish I had done. Most of them apply when you know your beloved animal friend has little time left, although some of them apply to any point in your friendship. Here are my suggestions.

  1. Live the best life you can with your beloved animal friend. This is not limited to the end of your time together. Regardless of how much time you have left, make the most of it. Take lots of pictures and videos, travel together, nap with each other, go on plenty of walks, play, etc. The better you do this, the fewer regrets you’ll have, and the easier the healing process will be after your beloved animal friend dies. I’m glad I got as many pictures and videos of Sawyer as I did. Still, I wish I’d gotten even more, and I wish I’d thought to get some from our first day together. That said, I’m glad Sawyer and I hung out almost every day of our eleven years together. We took many naps with each other, went on several walks, kept each other company when nobody else was around, played, and loved on each other a lot. Remembering all the good times we shared gives me some comfort during the hard times.
  2. Make sure your pet is ready. As bad as it can be to make your pet live in misery longer than necessary, I think it might be worse to rush the process. If your pet is still feeling good enough to make life worth living, then that gives both of you more time to love on each other. Cutting that short robs both of you of that precious time that can never be recovered. Plus, if your pet wants to keep living, why take that away? This is a major sore spot for me since I don’t know if it was Sawyer’s time to die. He had several health scares in his life, including one about a month and a half before his final trip to the vet. I don’t know if the decision made on his final night was the correct one. He might have just been going through another bad day that would have cleared up quickly; if so, then he might have lived longer, and he might even still be alive today. I’ll never know because I wasn’t given a chance to find out. Looking back on that night, I wish I’d taken more time to talk it over with my family members. Instead, I felt rushed into agreeing with a decision that had essentially already been made. It’s always hard to tell what the right thing to do is when looking through a lens of fear, anger, or any other strong negative emotion. Unfortunately, that may have resulted in a premature end to the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever experienced.
  3. Spend extra time together. Take extra walks, extra cuddles, extra trips, extra activities (both regular and special), extra pictures and videos, and other extra opportunities to share love. To facilitate this, change and even cancel some of your less important plans to make more time for your beloved animal friend, and include them whenever you can on any of your existing plans. This is also a great time to bring back favorite activities and routines that, for one reason or another, you’ve had to put on the backburner for quite some time. In addition to giving you both wonderful quality time with each other, all of this will stretch out your remaining time together as much as possible. I wish I had done more of this with Sawyer in our final few days together. One of my biggest regrets is taking him on so few walks, both during his normal life and also toward the end. Someone else in the house gave Sawyer a walk each night before bed, and I only took him for walks occasionally; we didn’t go for a walk together at all in our final few months together. I wish that I had taken him on even a short daily walk during that time, especially during his final few days. I so regret not taking him on any walk toward the end of his life, even when I knew his time was almost up. I also regret going out earlier than usual to dance on his final Saturday and staying out later than usual after dancing on both his final Saturday and final Sunday. If I could, I would change it such that I went out and came back at the usual times on both days so that we could have spent more time together.
  4. Give your beloved animal friend extra treats. These can be animal treats and human treats, including forbidden treats that would normally sicken or kill them. Humans regularly eat so many things that would kill most pets, so why not let them indulge in their final moments in something they’ve never been able to enjoy before? I gave Sawyer a piece of dark chocolate coconut creme egg in the final minutes of life; he shared it with me and a few other family members who were there. I’m so glad I gave it to him, and I loved watching him sniff it before gladly wolfing it down. That’s a sweet memory that I will carry for the rest of my days.
  5. Arrange mementos in advance. This can include things for you, such as a bag to keep locks of fur and a request for paw/nose prints to be made after your pet dies. You can also plan to bring anything familiar to comfort your pet (blankets, towels, beds, toys, special humans, etc.) in the final moments. This is especially important if your pet is going to die at the vet; if they die at home, they’ll likely be feeling more comforted by being in a familiar place with all the usual sights, smells, etc. I brought Sawyer’s squeaky moon toy, my Spider-Man blanket that we so often shared, and a shirt that smelled like me. I hope those gave him some comfort when he needed it the most. I so wish I had arranged in advance to have Sawyer’s paw print impressions preserved in clay. As much as I love the ink paw and nose prints on cards that the folks at the vet gave me, I was hoping for clay paw impressions. Because I assumed that that would be done automatically and never considered that I would have to specifically request it, I missed the chance to get it done, and I’m still working through a lot of pain around that. So, if you want clay paw impressions of your pet, make sure to arrange that in advance. Don’t assume that’ll automatically happen as you’ll feel devastated if it doesn’t. Further, although I got some of Sawyer’s fur, I wish I had gotten much more of it, and I also wish that I hadn’t handled it after that day since touching it a lot has degraded its quality. Those were some painful lessons that I had to learn the hard way. I’ll do better with any future animal friends I adopt.
  6. Stay there until the end. Your beloved animal friend has been with you through some of the hardest times in your life, so be with them during the final moments of their life. They deserve it after a lifetime of giving you unconditional love. As painful as it was to be with Sawyer as he slowly died, I’m certain that the guilt would be even more severe if I had stayed away during his final moments. I hate the thought of him feeling afraid and being alone with strangers as he died. I’d much rather work through the pain of being there at the end of his life than the pain of guilt from staying away. Being there also gave me the knowledge that he actually did die. Seeing that for myself has been useful to me when denial arises. If I hadn’t gone there, I wouldn’t have that certainty and might struggle even more from not knowing for sure.
  7. Spend as much time with the body as you need. You might want more time with your beloved animal friend’s body than some or all of your family members. That’s ok as long as each one gets what they need. I wish I had thought to ask what the person at the vet meant by her question about Sawyer’s body. If I had asked for clarification, I’d have gotten to spend more time with his body after his death, which I think would have given me some additional comforting closure. Instead, I only got a few minutes before his body was taken away, wrapped up, and put in a box for burial. If I ever adopt another animal friend who dies before me, I will make sure to spend as much time with the body as I need to feel better, and I won’t follow anyone else’s lead or let anyone rush me.
  8. Get lots of time to yourself. Take time away from your job, business, school, and regular routine to cry, yell, and do anything else that helps you heal as much as you need. It’s ok to seek out movies, TV shows, music, and other works of art to help you bring up and release emotions. It’s also ok to spend time alone, or away from certain individuals, as needed, especially those who make you feel worse. Ignore anyone who projects their own experiences onto you by saying that “the pain never goes away.” All they’re saying is that they haven’t fully healed. That doesn’t mean you are bound to follow suit. Feel through any and all emotions that come up as you give yourself extra self-care, compassion, and love during this incredibly painful time. It helps to mourn all the things you won’t get to do with your beloved animal friend. In my case, that means mourning that Sawyer will never get to meet my future wife and kids, watch me grow old, travel around the US with me on road trips, and see me fully step into myself. There are some books I’ve found extremely helpful for healing, most notably When a Pet Dies by Mister Rogers and Losing Your Dog by Mickie Gustafson. The latter even has some good things for when your beloved animal friend is still alive. I’m so thankful I’ve been able to take so much time to heal since Sawyer’s death. Without that, I think I’d still be feeling debilitating levels of pain. I can’t imagine how anyone loses a beloved animal friend in the morning and then goes in to work an afternoon shift, or jumps right back into a rigorous school schedule, or anything else along those lines. Between the extreme emotional pain and the worst sickness I’ve dealt with in over a decade, I barely made it through last year. I might not have made it if I’d had little to no time to put toward healing. Even if I’d have made it, I’m certain I’d still be feeling a huge amount of the overwhelming pain that has mostly gone away since I’ve spent so much time working through it.
  9. Develop a routine that helps you heal. What that routine looks like is totally up to you. Anything goes, as long as it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else and it helps you heal. This is your healing journey and routine, so nobody else has to like it, understand it, or approve of it. However, if you have family members or roommates, it’s best to talk to them about what things to change and when. Most of Sawyer’s belongings were packed up and put away the day he died. That was difficult for me. Abrupt change is hard, especially when it follows a painful loss. I’d have preferred to keep his beds, blankets, towels, and other possessions in their usual places for much longer. That aside, my routine has changed a bit over time, but it’s also had a lot of consistency from the day Sawyer died. In addition to feeling whatever emotions arise, each day I look at pictures and videos of Sawyer’s final morning, talk and sing to him by his grave each morning and night, and interact with some things he loved (such as his squeaky moon toy and my robe). The last picture I look at every morning is the only one I took of his body after he died. That picture brings me some closure and reminds me that he is gone whenever I question if he actually died. My routine has been incredibly comforting to me since losing Sawyer. It’s been especially helpful around my birthday, major holidays, the anniversary of Sawyer’s death, and a few other exceptionally painful times of year. As I’ve healed, I’ve been able to slowly reduce the amount of time I spend on some of those activities, although I didn’t start doing that until more than a year after Sawyer died. Even then, I did it gradually so as not to push myself beyond what I was ready to do.
  10. Move forward on your own time. There’s no deadline by which you have to have healed entirely or have reached a certain level of healing. This is an individual process, and your journey is unique to you. As long as you feel better each year, you’re on the right track. Some find that adopting another pet right away is healing. Others wait much longer, and some may never have another pet. Animals are living creatures who need lots of good food, water, shelter, vet visits, attention, play, and love. Even though I’m probably emotionally ready for another beloved animal friend, my current overall life situation and financial situation prohibit it. That’s something that the few people who’ve told me to adopt another animal friend don’t seem to have considered. Fortunately, I’m able to visit animals at pet stores and in my neighborhood each week, and sometimes I visit animal friends who live with my human friends. From shortly after Sawyer’s death through to today, those visits have all been wonderful, especially early on in this journey. I’m so thankful for everyone, human and animal alike, who has given me those wonderful visits.
Posted in Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Healing From Losing a Pet

Downsides of Being Quiet

Posted on August 23, 2023 by admin

Being the quiet one is not all it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes it’s downright awful. On many occasions, my dog Sawyer was the only one in my life who treated me with quiet kindness and respected what I needed at any given moment. Without him, everything has become much more difficult, especially as many humans have gotten worse since he died. I keep mostly to myself at this point because it’s so hard to find any human who will interact with me in ways I like and because it’s so easy to find many who will make me feel bad. Here are some issues I’ve dealt with, whether they were only in the past or are still ongoing.

  1. Finding out everything I don’t want to know. I don’t know why, but acquaintances and strangers alike have shared some incredibly personal things with me, sometimes within minutes of our first meeting. There have been a lot of long monologues about things they hate, intimate details about major health problems (often shared while I’m eating, which can easily make me lose my appetite), everything they hate about me, and private information about others who aren’t around to defend themselves or at least hear what’s being said about them behind their backs. It’s amazing how many people will say anything and everything that pops into their head, with no apparent regard for the effect it has on anyone else or if anyone else wants to hear it.
  2. Hardly getting a chance to speak. I’ve lost track of how many times someone has rambled on endlessly while I had countless things to say building up inside me, and, when I finally got a turn, I barely got 10 seconds in before someone who had just talked for anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour or longer cut me off and started rambling again. On a similar note, someone I was once close to, who routinely took 5 minutes to tell a 30 second story, said to me “Long story short” after I took 30 seconds to tell a 30 second story, as if I had wasted huge swaths of her time. Sometimes I say “Yeah” to show agreement with what someone has just said before I say what I’m thinking but then they start talking again before I can say anything I had planned to say. It’s rare that anyone asks for my thoughts in casual conversation since they’re used to me saying little and seem to think that I never have much to say. In reality, I have a lot to say when discussing subjects I find meaningful, but it almost always takes me some time to organize my thoughts. However, I rarely get to contribute much to those conversations since the other person almost always starts talking during a quiet pause, either before I’ve got my words straight or right as soon as I’m ready to speak. They’re more interested in filling me up with all of their opinions on everything under the sun and sometimes using me as an involuntary, unpaid therapist than getting a glimpse into how I see the world.
  3. Tons of negative assumptions from others. They might think I’m interested in what they’re saying because I’m not interrupting, changing the subject, or disagreeing, so they talk at length about things I don’t care at all about because I lack the courage to speak up. This, in conjunction with the previous point, is where some get the idea that I’m a good listener. I might be better at listening now than I once was, but that doesn’t mean I want to do nothing but listen in a conversation. They also tend to assume that I don’t care about something if I don’t have a huge, immediate visual reaction to it (even when I do care but just need time to process what was said before responding), or that I dislike them if we’ve just met when I’m actually just on edge around most new folks I meet. The assumption I hate the most is that I’m implying something bad by asking a simple question. I don’t hide insults or judgments inside questions that sound innocuous but are actually devious. When I ask a question, I’m asking that question, nothing more. I often feel flabbergasted at how much someone can assume I’m implying with what I say. That always suggests to me that they’ve got self-image and pride problems to sort through. If I meet someone and we get to know each other over several interactions, they’ll gradually see how I truly am. However, if we only ever interact once, they may walk away thinking I’m awful, empty inside, or something else negative.
  4. So much pressure to conform. So many people try to get me to speak at their pace rather than mine and pressure me to respond immediately to questions that require deep thought (folks want 10 second answers to questions that would take minutes to properly answer). This applies to other conversational aspects as well. If someone asks, “What do you do?” and I start talking about my hobbies, they almost always interrupt and say “No, I mean what do you do for work?” This shows that they have no interest in what I enjoy doing in my free time, no concern for anything other than the specific information they’re seeking, and also no respect for me by interrupting me while I’m still talking. Some people don’t stop interrupting me even when I continue speaking or say “Hang on”, and others don’t give me room to speak at length even when I literally ask for it. I long for conversations that make everyone involved better off, not ones that make some better off and others worse off. Yet so often, I’ve ended up interacting with someone who seems interested solely in what they can get out of the conversation, not in how the conversation can benefit us both.
  5. There’s little to no space to just be. If nature abhors a vacuum, then humans abhor it more. When I swing dance at the Volstead, I like to sit out during the last song and watch everyone dancing while thinking about Sawyer. Often, somebody will see me sitting by myself, come over, and start up small talk with me. I usually go along with it but sometimes I’ll say something along the lines of “We’ll talk after the song ends.” Similarly, if I’m enjoying a quiet pause in a conversation and have nothing to say, it’s almost impossible to find someone who will also enjoy the pause. Most will say something just to fill a silence that is uncomfortable for them, and they’ll pressure me to respond even when I can think of literally nothing to say. This has only gotten worse the more I’ve gotten into my mindfulness and presence practices.
  6. Hardly ever taken seriously. Few people seem to be interested in listening to what the “man of few words” has to say when he does speak. I’ll often tell someone the same thing on multiple occasions (the correct name of a juggling move, that I *do* enjoy reading fiction, etc.) and they either don’t bother to remember it or they don’t believe me. This is especially the case with controversial subjects, in which they often immediately dismiss what I’ve said without asking any questions to get more information or simply giving it a moment’s thought. Other times I’ll provide a solution to a problem, get ignored, and then (sometimes) later get credit for it, although that never seems to enhance anyone’s trust of me in future situations. On a handful of occasions when attempting to understand what someone else was saying, I put it into my own words and asked if that’s correct. They said “No”, and then repeated verbatim what I said. I usually don’t say much in those cases, but, when I’ve felt extra frustrated, I’ve said, “That’s what I said” or “That’s what I just said.” I don’t understand how I can put so much effort into being clear yet so often be misunderstood.
  7. I get almost nothing to myself. So many folks make everything I say about them. It’s incredibly rare that someone will strive to understand how I’m feeling instead of saying “I know what you mean. I feel the same way because of…” This irks me because I’m still dealing with deep pain from a young age of bringing up a concern, someone taking offense, and making it all about them while ignoring what I was feeling, wanting, and needing, usually while also punishing me in some way. Additionally, when I express upset over how someone is treating me, whoever I’m talking to seems more interested in assuming how that person might be feeling and what their motivations might be than in asking me how I’m feeling about it. They’re trying to identify some of the emotions involved, but not mine. That makes me think that they don’t care how I feel, and it’s one reason I tend to keep to myself when I feel bad (the main reason being that I’ve gotten good enough at working through my emotions that I don’t need to seek out others to do this).

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Downsides of Being Quiet

Who Do You Trust?

Posted on August 16, 2023 by admin

I’ve been thinking a lot about trust lately, particularly the issue of knowing who to trust when it comes to information. So much of what I believed growing up has turned out to either be false or at least outdated. I often wonder how much of the information floating around as well as the information I now believe is similarly incorrect. Let’s explore this, shall we?

How can anyone know whether or not someone who claims to be an expert in a given field is speaking the truth unless one is also an expert? In some cases, there is the possibility of testing that person’s claims. Anything that one can try out in one’s own life can be tested to see if what is being said holds any water. When that’s not possible, the only options I see are to either believe the person or disregard what they’re saying.

Blindly believing anyone is incredibly risky. There are legions of skilled persuaders and manipulators in almost every large organization who routinely distort the truth for their own benefits. It’s hard to trust what someone says when they’re getting paid to promote it. When someone isn’t getting paid or rewarded in another way for promoting something, then it’s easier to believe they’re telling the truth. It’s even easier to believe they’re telling the truth if they’re risking their jobs, their friendships, and even their lives to put this information out there. It takes no effort to go along with what is popularly believed, so someone who deliberately swims against the tide of popular opinion demonstrates that their commitment to the truth is larger than their fear of nonconformity.

Further, among the many logical fallacies, there is one called “appeal to authority”. This involves believing that what someone says must be correct solely because of that person’s position or status. The reason appeal to authority fails is because everybody is incorrect at least some of the time and nobody has a monopoly on truth. If something is correct, then it doesn’t matter who says it. If something is incorrect, then it doesn’t matter who says it. The accuracy or lack thereof of the information is all that matters, not the source of that information.

Honest mistakes are another problem. When someone makes a mistake and it’s brought to their attention, watch how they proceed. If they apologize, own up to it, correct it as best as they can, and strive to avoid making mistakes in the future, all is well. Although there may still be harm from their mistake, their response shows that it was unintentional and that they are committed to doing better moving forward. However, if they react defensively, deny that they made a mistake, attempt to justify it, or attack whoever points out the mistake, that shows that they are untrustworthy due to being more committed to protecting their egos than getting things right.

Anyone who’s done a deep dive into multiple subjects knows how easy it is to find conflicting information on any issue. This can also easily be seen in any online fight in which participants share links that support their own points and oppose each other’s. Someone who is dedicated can find a way to make any viewpoint appear correct. This can even happen subconsciously since everyone tends to gravitate towards information that supports their predetermined conclusions and ignore information that contradicts their beliefs. How do you objectively decide which information is trustworthy and which is not, especially when you can’t see behind the scenes to verify everything you’re being told?

I love things that anyone can verify through their own experience. When I did a PowerPoint Night presentation earlier this year on the present moment, I led a short guided meditation toward the end. Those who followed along felt calmer afterward. That did more to show them the value of meditation, mindfulness, and being in the present moment than any book, article, video, or other resource for them to analyze ever could. I’m sure that it was also more effective than the presentation itself, which, while brief, was much longer than the meditation. By seeing firsthand that this works, they don’t need to take anyone’s word for it, including my own.

For another example of experiential verification, I’ve heard repeatedly that static stretching (putting a muscle into a stretched position and holding it still for a certain length of time) does nothing beneficial. Yet my own experience with stretching my lower body this way is that it reduces pain in my lower back, makes it easier for me to stand up straight, increases my comfortable range of motion, and makes me feel calmer in general life. Stretching my wrists has also been crucial both to prevent overuse injuries in juggling and to recover when I’ve overdone it. Every time I’ve gone without stretching for months on end, all of those benefits go away; they come back a while after I’ve resumed a good stretching routine. Since static stretching has been so beneficial to me, I’ll continue doing it regardless of what anyone else thinks about its effectiveness.

Even my dog Sawyer verified things by personal experience. If we were hanging out by ourselves and he thought someone else had come home, he’d bark and run over to the door to the garage. Only after I showed him that nobody was in the garage did he know it was just us at home and settle down. I figure doing that for him improved my ability to do similarly with humans. That sums up my current thinking on this subject: verifying things for myself where I can and not fully taking anyone’s word on anything I can’t independently verify. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I’m ok with that since learning to trust myself has been an important part of my healing journey, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Posted in Communication, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Who Do You Trust?