Doormats and Bulldozers: The Art of Balanced Communication

Posted on October 24, 2018 by admin

Interesting title, right? That’s the best way I could think to describe my two tendencies in difficult situations. I’m naturally a very agreeable person, which means I tend to be deferential and avoid drama in conversations. If I get pushed far enough, however, I become aggressive and hostile and am quick to snap at whoever I’m talking to. As you might imagine, this has caused me a lot of problems and I’ve worked hard to overcome it.

I think I act this way because of the example I had growing up, both at home and at school: act pleasantly until you get upset or angry, and then become hostile. There was no middle ground, no point of balance, and no negotiations or discussions about feelings. It was either one or the other, and practically no time wasted in going from cheerful to cantankerous. Of course, the people who set this example told us to be patient and respectful, but that’s not how role models work; it’s the actions that others imitate and remember, not the words (especially kids, who look to adults in their lives in order to learn how to behave and tend to carry patterns of behavior they learned early on through the rest of their lives). And when the words aren’t in line with the actions, that’s called hypocrisy, and I think my general distrust in authority largely stems from all the authoritative hypocrites I’ve known over the course of my life.

As a result, I’ve struggled in many of my interactions with others, especially once I’ve gotten close to them. This is why I still tend to let people walk all over me; I want to avoid lashing out and doing something I’ll regret later. Most people who know me in person will probably be surprised to read this as I rarely show that side of myself. In most cases, it only comes out when I’m around family members or my closest friends, and I’m more inclined to show it around family members than close friends for some reason. Still, every once in a while, I’ll end up saying or doing something that hurts one of my friends, and that’s usually when I feel worse than any other situation in life. I don’t want to hurt others, be a hypocrite, or be a slave to bad patterns of behavior I learned as a kid, and those desires have driven me to better myself.

My focus since last year has been about finding that point of balance, that place where I can stand up for myself and my ideas without going overboard. My efforts have paid off as I’ve gotten better at striking the proper balance between agreeableness and assertiveness: I often continue speaking rather than just immediately stop when someone interrupts me, I’ve learned a lot about phrasing my ideas so that they’re more easily understood and require less defensiveness on my part, and I have a better feel for group dynamics so I can usually find the right times to speak up and be heard. How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Power of Now, Influence, The Four Agreements, and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People have been invaluable resources for improving my interactions with others and avoiding being either a doormat or a bulldozer. I’m still not where I want to be but I’m a lot closer thanks to great works like these and a lot of practice. 

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Negative Thinking

Posted on October 23, 2018 by admin

If you found that a particular food made you sick, would it be better to keep eating that food and manage your symptoms or stop eating that food? The answer is clear, simple, and easy in this example, but that’s not always the case in other areas of life. 

Something in me has felt off for a while now and I think I’ve figured out what it is. I’ve read and written a lot about mindsets and thinking but I may have been going about it the wrong way. I think I’ve been managing the symptoms created by negative thinking rather than trying to eliminate the negative thinking. This works for a bit but eventually it fails once the negativity becomes overwhelming. Now that I have this idea, I’m going to focus more on thinking positively and ceasing to think negatively.

That may sound like an impossible task, but there are times in my life during which my thinking has been completely positive. During those times, I’ve always felt light, cheerful, and upbeat. Additionally, situations seem to go more smoothly, people seem to act more friendly toward me, and life in general feels easier. Whenever I do a lot of negative thinking, though, sooner or later I start noticing some changes: I get tired more easily, I feel more distanced from other people (even close friends), things seem to go wrong more easily, and it becomes a lot easier for me to get into a bad mood. 

I’m far from being the master of my mind, but I have learned a lot of useful life hacks that have helped me use it more often for positive purposes. Moving forward, I’m going to focus on the life hacks that help eliminate negative thinking instead of the ones that merely cover it up or manage the symptoms it creates. The ones I’ve found most helpful for this in the past have come from The Power of Now and The Four Agreements, so I’m going to read/listen to them again for a refresher. Self-knowledge is crucial, and I’m glad to know myself enough at this point to notice when something isn’t working and figure out a plan to fix the problem. 

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“The Egg”

Posted on October 22, 2018 by admin

This is an interesting little story written by Andy Weir. I always enjoy reading it and thinking about its implications. I hope you also enjoy reading it. 

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. And in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

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Screen Time

Posted on October 21, 2018 by admin

I recently started spending less time in front of screens than I normally do. This is largely the result of going out on Saturday mornings and playing sports with my friends. Whenever I do that, I tend to leave my phone off to the side so it doesn’t slow me down or get damaged. Then I get engrossed in the game and forget about checking social media, text messages, or anything else on my phone. Since I’ve been going out regularly on Saturday mornings, I realized how nice it is to get a break from screens.

It helps to be engaged in a fun activity with friends. This includes playing sports, dancing, juggling, or just enjoying each other’s company. Most of the time I check my phone, it’s because I’m bored, anxious, lonely, or anticipating something specific such as a message or phone call from someone I know. As long as I’m having fun and being in the present moment, I’m not concerned with what’s going on elsewhere in the world or in another part of my life. 

Whenever I took a shower, I used to put my phone on the counter by the sink so I could check it as soon as I got out. However, ever since I started noticing (subconsciously at first, I think) how refreshing it is to be away from screens, I’ve started leaving my phone elsewhere in the house. At first, I would rush to get back to it and see what I had missed. Over time, however, I’ve become more relaxed and been less concerned with the possibility of missing out on something. 

I don’t know why exactly I started doing this, but I think it involved me getting tired of seeing so much negative stuff online. Now I have my phone set to show me more positive stuff and less negative stuff, but I still find myself spending less time mindlessly surfing the internet or scrolling through different websites. A lot of online activities are repetitive and predictable, which are quite boring now that I know the patterns. Spending less time in front of screens has helped me relax and enjoy more of the fun moments in life that I can easily miss when I’m starting at a screen. There’s a more stuff I enjoy doing in the real world than in the digital world, and I’d much rather miss something trivial online than miss something major in my life. 

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Why I Stopped Arguing

Posted on October 20, 2018 by admin

I used to argue at the drop of a hat. Didn’t matter the subject or who was involved; I’d argue with anyone over anything at just about any time. I’m not completely out of the woods yet, but my desire to “win” arguments or even engage in them has been reduced to almost nothing. It’s all too easy to think that there are two “sides” to an issue and that if someone isn’t on one “side”, they’re automatically on the other. This serves no purpose other than to further divide people and convince them even more that they’re “right” and everyone who disagrees with them is “wrong”. At this point, I much prefer discussions or conversations, and when I participate in a good one, I try to point out the areas of agreement between myself and the other participants. I usually forget to do that but whenever I remember it, it tends to make the exchange go more smoothly.

It’s amazing to genuinely listen to someone and have an honest conversation with them. I value these sorts of exchanges tremendously and actively seek them out. I think they’re vital for connecting with other people and for working toward solutions to the problems we all face. Sometimes I’m correct in a conversation and sometimes I’m incorrect, but the best conversations always leave me better off at the end than I was at the beginning.

My views are becoming more nuanced and complex as I learn more, talk to more people, and find out how little I truly know. It’s easy to talk in catchphrases and make complex things appear far simpler than they actually are; it’s difficult to humble myself and admit when I don’t know something or find that something is more complicated than I had previously thought. More than ever before, I’m trying to take a page from the Book of James and “be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” and keep in mind that I can learn something from just about anyone I talk to. This excerpt from a great post on Medium explains it well:

“As any debate club veteran knows, if you can’t make your opponent’s point for them, you don’t truly grasp the issue. We can bemoan political gridlock and a divisive media all we want. But we won’t truly progress as individuals until we make an honest effort to understand those that are not like us. And you won’t convince anyone to feel the way you do if you don’t respect their position and opinions.” 

The realization that I don’t have to argue with anyone has been incredibly freeing for me. I’ve always loved in-depth, meaningful discussions and probably always will, but I now see that trying to prove that I’m right or convince someone else to abandon their position in favor of mine created a lot of toxicity in me. Letting go of that has made my life a lot more peaceful and a lot better overall. The difficult (and incredibly rewarding) task is to be open to new information, assume the best of everyone I talk to unless they give me a reason to do otherwise, focus on common ground, and strive to get as close to the truth as possible. It’s a daily struggle that gets a little easier every day.

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Holding Back: Concerns About Minding My Own Business

Posted on October 19, 2018 by admin

Have you ever wanted to do something but found yourself holding back? I have, and that’s what I feel like I’m doing now. For the last year, I’ve wanted to become an entrepreneur and start my own business. Entrepreneurs who talk about their experiences won me over to this way of thinking. I’m interested in setting up and running a business in such a way that it gives lets me pursue my interests and life purpose, lets me spend more time with my friends and family, frees me from having a boss, brings in money even when I’m asleep, allows me to set my own schedule, and gives me more overall personal freedom.

I’ve read several books and articles, watched countless videos, and talked to a handful of people I know who run businesses or are in also looking to start their own. The more research I’ve done, the more daunting the process appears and the more questions I have. Should I have all my ducks in a row before I start or get started as soon as I have a good idea that will make money? When should I get an account, and how do I find a good one without breaking the bank? How do I keep the government off my back and out of my business as much as possible? What does it take to attract, satisfy, and keep customers? How can I run a business such that I’m not spending most of my waking hours working only to make less money than at a conventional job? These are a few of the questions and concerns that I’ve had since I started looking into all this. Thinking about all of this often stops me in my tracks and makes me want to give up before I even start as it seems like an impossible thing to pull off from my current perspective.

Although I have concerns and uncertainties, there are several things that keep me going. The fact that countless other people have gone before me and found a way to succeed in business helps, especially since many of them have also discussed things that have worked for them. And, as I mentioned above, I’ve been doing a lot of research into what it takes to make a business work. I still have a lot to learn, but I’ve gotten pretty good at learning new things and absorbing information from a wide range of sources until I have an idea of what to do. With that in mind, maybe I’m not actually holding back but instead doing the necessary research to succeed. For the time being, I plan to keep researching and talking to business owners so that I learn some good things to do (as well as good things to avoid) before I get started. Entrepreneurship is risky but also rewarding, and my interest in the rewards outweighs my fear of the risks. If all goes well, then someday I’ll be enjoying all the benefits that come from minding my own business. 

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A Few of My Favorite Books

Posted on October 18, 2018 by admin

Those of you who’ve followed my blog for a while know how much I love to read. I’ve talked about a lot of books in my posts but I haven’t dedicated a post to the books that have stuck out the most to me, until now. These are some of the books I’ve most enjoyed reading, either because they’ve been entertaining or useful, or both in some cases. Without further ado, here are a few of my favorite books. 

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

This is the first in a series of five imaginative and hilarious books by Douglas Adams. Space travel, planetary destruction, creative language translation, matter transformation, and clever wordplay abound in this book. Adams’s writing style is unique and endlessly enjoyable to read. It’s no wonder, then, that this has become one of the most widely-read, popular, and referenced books (and series of books) ever written. 

The Four Agreements

A wonderful little book about how freeing it is to have the proper perspective. Don Miguel Ruiz explores the benefits of following the agreements: Be Impeccable with Your Word, Don’t Take Anything Personally, Don’t Make Assumptions, and Always Do Your Best. The agreements are simple to understand, difficult to live by, and well worth the effort. 

How to Win Friends and Influence People

I’ve read a lot of self-improvement books and this is the one that started it all for me. It contains a lot of Dale Carnegie’s wisdom in successfully navigating social situations, winning people over to your way of thinking, and other useful life skills. Introverts should buy and study this book; it will work wonders for them. The book may be old but its timeless advice is just as practical now as it was when it was first published.

The Power of Habit

Most people probably aren’t aware of how prevalent and powerful habits are in their lives. I wasn’t until I read this book. Charles Duhigg explains why we develop habits, how we can change them, and how successful people and organizations have used seemingly insignificant habits to accomplish their major goals. Throw in a little bit of free will exploration in the last chapter and this is an incredibly interesting and practical book. 

How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big

Scott Adams, best known for creating the popular Dilbert comic strip, lays out his strategies for success in this book. He covers such subjects as managing energy, using systems rather than goals, learning useful skills that mesh well with each other and provide more value together than they do separately, making healthy food taste good, and lots of other life hacks. Additionally, he adds just enough humor to keep it fun through the heavier subjects, making this one of the more enjoyable as well as useful self-improvement books I’ve read.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Stephen Covey absolutely knocked it out of the park with this one. He packed  so much good stuff into this book, most of which is centered around character growth and progressing as a person. To truly be effective requires first focusing on self-improvement and then turning one’s focus toward improving the world. Plus he included a quick-reference index near the end of the book for finding specific lessons in a pinch. This is one of the best books I’ve ever read in any category and if it’s not right at the top of my list of best self-improvement books, then it’s definitely in the top three.

The Righteous Mind

Have you ever wondered why, as the subtitle says, good people are divided by politics and religion? Well, look no further. Jonathan Haidt uses countless studies, experiments, and facts about our brains to offer the answer. In the process, he suggests that humans are far more irrational than we’d like to think, that the way we think largely stems from survival techniques used by our ancestors, and that there are major advantages to joining political or religious “teams”. The lessons I’ve learned from this book have helped me relax and see people with whom I disagree more fairly than I’ve done in the past. With all of the present turmoil and hostility, this book could act as a way to put out some of the fires and foster dialogue rather than division.

The Power of Now

Mindfulness and presence are subjects I rarely see anyone else discuss. This is a shame as they’ve done a world of good for me since I started looking into them. Eckhart Tolle goes through his ideas about the mind, consciousness, ego, suffering, death, and several other subjects in this fascinating book. It took me a long time to start accepting some of the ideas he discusses, but I’ve gradually accepted increasingly more of them as I’ve seen firsthand how they work. This is one of the most helpful books I’ve ever read and I periodically listen to the audio version of it when I drive around. If you’re looking for ways to relieve stress, be at peace, better get along with others, and generally relax in life, you should check it out.

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The Power of the Shower

Posted on October 17, 2018 by admin

I routinely experience writer’s block and have trouble completing blog posts. Trying to force the ideas to flow only makes them harder to obtain. I find that my best ideas tend to come when I’m relaxed and not thinking much; being in that state makes me more creative and lets the ideas flow. A lot of good ideas have come to me when I’m in the shower, which is one of the best places for getting into that state.

Showering is a time of great vulnerability as the ability to fight back or flee from a threat is almost nonexistent. However, in enclosed areas without threats, showers can feel comforting and protective. There’s something about the warm water, the distance from everything and everyone else, and the acoustics that make it easy to relax. There’s also a certain timelessness to being in the shower. Everything else seems to fade away, minutes can feel like hours (or sometimes seconds), and it becomes much easier to focus. Maybe that’s it: maybe being in a safe, calming place puts the mind at ease since it doesn’t have to worry about survival, which then allows the creative juices to flow. This could also be why so many thoughts and ideas often arrive in bed before falling asleep. 

On rare occasions, I can think or talk out an idea fully before writing it down instead of working it out as I go. When I get fully-formed ideas, it’s almost always when I’m in the shower. Sometimes I’ll find the inspiration I need for a blog post, an activity, or other decision with which I’ve been struggling while I’m in there, usually without even putting in much effort. Other people have had similar experiences, which suggests to me that there’s some validity to this phenomenon. Either way, whenever I feel stuck with an idea or decision, I know where to go for a creative boost. 

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My Writing Process

Posted on October 16, 2018 by admin

I’ve written before about my love of writing and I thought I’d share my writing process in this blog post. While I said “writing process“, I suppose it would be more accurate to say “processes” as I have a few different methods for writing out my ideas. I use both of these processes for the writing I publish as well as the writing I keep to myself.

Sometimes I manage to write out all my ideas in one shot. When this happens, normally it’s because I’ve thought out (and usually talked out) my ideas quite thoroughly before I start writing. It feels like someone has placed the finished work in my head and all I have to do is copy it into the computer. This is a rare occurrence but it always feels good when it happens and it lets me get a lot of writing done in a short amount of time while making minimal changes once I’m finished.

Most of the time, I end up writing a bit at a time as the ideas come to me. Some of the things I do include writing the conclusion before anything else, writing down a couple of words and adding to them later, working a bit on each paragraph before finishing any of them, starting a post one day and finishing it the next (often not long before it goes live), and editing it as I go rather than waiting until the end and doing all of it at once. This is the process I’ve used in writing most of my blog posts, including this one.

Once I have all my ideas together, I make my final edits, check to see if everything flows smoothly from beginning to end, and save it if I can’t think of anything else to add or improve. If I’m writing a blog post, I’ll add the tags, categories, and title at whichever point in the process I feel inspired to do so. Then I figure out the date I want it to be published, check over it one last time, and hit the “schedule” button. I try to have my posts scheduled the day before I publish them, though, as indicated in the previous paragraph, that doesn’t always happen.

I’ve found both of these processes to be useful for motivating me to write even when the ideas seem sparse and helping me keep my thoughts organized. I hope this has been interesting and even helpful for those who enjoy writing but feel stuck. There are times in which I struggle to come up with ideas or the right words to express them, but I always manage to come up with something. Sometimes I achieve inspiration through writing down the few ideas I have and other times I need to take a break and clear my head for the ideas to arrive. So if you have writer’s block, please go easy on yourself, relax, and know that this is just a temporary phase before the inspiration returns.

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What Do You Do?

Posted on October 15, 2018 by admin

What do you do when you feel bad? Do you swallow your pride and ask for help, or do you tell yourself it’s not a big deal and keep it to yourself? Do you put on a happy face and try to “be yourself” around your friends? Is it worth it to let your guard down and show them that you’re hurting?

What are the rules for acting vulnerable around other people, and how did they become the rules in the first place? Are we truly ourselves in public or do we just act like “ourselves”? Do we cultivate an image, a persona of how we want others to see us and wear that persona like a costume whenever we go out? To put ourselves out there, to wear our true face, is to risk being rejected. If someone rejects the persona, at least they’re not rejecting us.

If we’re comfortable enough to be ourselves when nobody else is around, then however we are when we’re alone must be how we truly are. If there’s a difference between how we are when we’re alone than when we’re around others, then there is some degree of “acting” going on in the latter scenario: acting like we’re ok, acting like we want to be there, acting like a fun person, acting like nothing is wrong, etc. Why is this so common? Why does anyone care what strangers think about them? And if someone is around friends, why is it still often difficult to open up to them and be vulnerable? Surely one’s friends are going to be accepting and loving even when things are going badly, right? Right? 

There is power in the spoken word. Whatever is said can be forgiven if the receiver is willing but nothing that is said can be taken back. Perhaps there is the concern that speaking about negative feelings will make them stronger or make them obvious to others when they were previously invisible. Perhaps there is the thought that it’s better to suffer in silence than to drag others down that path. If so, how did it get to this? How did it get to a point that we have to hide ourselves and our feelings from even the people closest to us? How did it become acceptable to have a veil of mystery and dishonesty covering nearly every interaction? How did it become commonplace to talk more about the weather than about our hopes, dreams, desires, concerns, doubts, and fears? And, more importantly, how do we change it?

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