The Tartt Take

I just finished reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. The book is all about setting and maintaining limits in interactions with other people. The authors explore many different scenarios in which a lack of appropriate boundaries causes a wide array of problems and offer suggestions on solving those boundary problems.

Much of the book discusses the importance of letting people face the consequences of their behavior. Those who can’t say no often intervene to prevent something bad from happening to irresponsible people, such as regularly covering for a lazy boss. When they do, they’re not preventing those consequences from happening; all they’re doing is taking them onto their plate and encouraging the other person to continue their irresponsible behavior. The solution is to recognize where your responsibilities begin and end and to stop allowing yourself to be exploited for the gain of others. Once people are allowed to face the consequences of their actions, they will begin making the necessary changes and those who used to cover for them will no longer get burnt out by shouldering more responsibility than they’re meant to carry.

As important as it is to establish boundaries, the authors are very clear that this is hardly an easy process. Undoing years of habits, thought patterns, and behavior that’s been ingrained by your early influences (especially family members) is an arduous journey. The authors repeatedly encourage having a support group where you can confide, practice setting boundaries, and draw strength to make changes in your life. Event then, they recommend taking it slow and starting by saying “no” to small things before moving onto bigger matters. There will be some bumps along the way as you confront people about their behavior and what you will no longer tolerate from them, but these will smooth out over time as you maintain your boundaries.

As you work on setting boundaries, you may have to temporarily distance yourself from those who continually try to infringe upon your boundaries. This lets them know that their behavior is unacceptable to you and they must change if they wish to continue interacting with you. If they still continue to disrespect you in this way, it may be best for both of you to say goodbye to them and let them work out their own issues. This is how boundaries reveal problems in relationships rather than causing them; those problems would still be there even if you didn’t attempt to set boundaries, but setting boundaries brings them into the light where they can be clearly seen and fixed.

Boundaries was one of the most mind-blowing books I’ve ever read. Most of the books I’ve read have been enjoyable and helpful, but there have only been a few that I’d put on the same level as this one. So much of what the authors said explained why I or someone else acted in a certain way and why many of the same problems have come up repeatedly throughout my life. This also resulted in some sadness and anger on my part as I recalled difficult times from my life and thought about them with regards to the information in the book. I feel like this initial reading has already dramatically improved my life by making me more comfortable around other people and better able to create (and maintain) appropriate boundaries. And, although the authors frequently mention the Bible and base much of their work on some of its passages, I think their insights and recommendations can work for anyone. Those who aren’t interested in the Bible will probably still benefit by reading Boundaries and incorporating its ideas into their life. So if any of this interests you, I highly recommend getting the book. I’m sure it will help you gain more peace and freedom in your life, just as it’s done for me.