I suspect that people have more in common than they think. It’s easy to think otherwise since a lot of attention is paid to hostility, violence, strong disagreements, and so on. However, while there are fundamental differences in the way some people think about right and wrong, I think that most of us agree overwhelmingly on how we’d like to see the world. I think that that a lot of communication problems obscure this, so I’m going to point out some of the issues I see as well as a few potential remedies.
A lot of arguments that I’ve seen and even participated in have arisen due to misunderstandings surrounding intentions. As a hypothetical example, suppose two people want to give shoes to poor people but they have different plans for how to do it: one person wants to give them green shoes while the other person wants to give them yellow shoes, and they also have their own ideas for where, when, and how to give out the shoes. Rather than recognize that they both want more poor people to have shoes, they get so wrapped in their respective plans that they accuse each other of hating poor people and wanting them to go without shoes. Then they split up and work separately rather than combining their resources and attracting more people with the same goal.
This is a simple example that is intended to show some things that I’ve observed countless times. Two people can want the same positive outcome for a given situation but disagree on the best way to get there. They each think that their plan is either the best way to go or the only way to go, find flaws in every other proposed plan while ignoring any flaws in their own plan, and approve of anyone who supports their plan and disapprove of anyone who opposes their plan. At that point, they can mistake the disagreement over their proposed solutions as a disagreement over the desired outcome and think the worst of each other, refusing to work together and, usually, hurting their cause.
I’ve previously written a post about some possible ways to avoid these problems and I’d like to discuss my ideas further here. I still think there’s tremendous value in establishing common ground and identifying points of agreement. I find it much easier to think positively about someone if I know that they have good intentions; I also find it much harder to have a hostile exchange with them if we both think well of each other. It’s best to establish this at the outset as trying to see someone in a positive light is almost impossible once a great deal of hostility and negative emotions have entered the exchange.
After that, I think it’s important to discuss things in depth without relying too heavily on simplistic labels and buzzwords. A lot of words that mean different things to different people. One word may represent something good to you and it may represent something bad to me. If we’re both using that word as we understand it and we both have different understandings of the ideas that word represents, then we’re talking past each other and we’re most likely going to have a negative exchange. At the very least, we should take some time to explain what we mean by a particular word or phrase so that we’re both on the same page. I try to go even further than that and avoid using certain words and phrases entirely, preferring instead to explain exactly where I’m coming from, where I want to go, and how I plan to get there. This way, there is more focus on the ideas themselves and less focus on words and phrases that can easily be misinterpreted or misunderstood.
Lastly, try to avoid identifying with your views. Defining yourself based on your views on religion, politics, or anything else will make criticisms of your views appear to be attacks against you, and that will cause nothing but problems. If your personal identity is at stake, then it’s almost inevitable that there will be a great deal of defensiveness and reluctance to consider other points of view. If, in contrast, you recognize that your views are simply tools for navigating life and that you are not your views, then you’ll find it easier to listen to other perspectives and potentially change some of your own views if you hear an especially persuasive case for doing so. So instead of saying “I am _____”, try saying “I think ______” or “Here’s how I see it”. It can make a world of difference in an exchange.
It’s been a long time since I’ve argued, but I have found some instances in which these ideas seem to have worked well. I suspect that they’ve prevented small misunderstandings from escalating into major confrontations. If so, then I think they could do a lot to improve exchanges about big issues and allow more people to have real conversations instead of aggressive altercations. Whatever is worthy of attention is also worthy of quality conversations so that it can be addressed appropriately and I hope this post helps make that more common.