Learning to Be Less Critical

Posted on June 17, 2019 by admin

I grew up around a lot of criticism. Several people close to me would criticize, condemn, and sometimes even mock anyone they thought dressed, spoke, acted, or lived strangely. They even criticized people who appeared more “normal” if their hair, skin, or anything else appeared imperfect or different. And they also criticized me whenever I looked different than they thought I should. I got a lot of criticisms over my hair, clothes, teeth, skin, interests, mannerisms, etc. This got me used to the idea of criticism as a way of life, which caused me a lot of problems.

Making a habit out of criticism cause me to spend a lot of time silently and even verbally criticizing other people. It also resulted in a lot of the internal self-criticisms I’ve dealt with for most of my life. As a result, it became much harder to enjoy spending time around other people out of fear that they’d criticize me or because I tended to criticize them. This prevented me from relaxing and appreciating others as much as I could have. I’m sure it’s also alienated many people I knew and driven them away from me.

To this day I still sometimes find it hard to avoid criticizing people. Fortunately, I have found some things that have shown me the way out. One of the most helpful has been realizing that I don’t know anyone’s story unless they tell me. They may have a specific reason for their appearance or their actions, or they may not. Either way, making assumptions won’t tell me anything about them or result in anything positive; all that will do is cause a lot of problems and make at least one of us feel bad. Even if I know why they are a certain way, what difference does that make? Why should I or anyone else expect them to be a certain way and then feel negatively toward them if they do their own thing instead? That won’t make it any easier to treat them well, help them if they need a hand, or see them in a positive light, so I don’t think it’s worth doing at all.

The other thing I’ve found that helps me avoid criticizing other people is remembering how it felt to be on the receiving end of the unnecessary criticisms I faced growing up. I hated the way that that made me feel and I don’t want to subject anyone else to those same feelings. The first of my rules that I do my best to follow every day involves treating other people as I want them to treat me, so this means refraining from criticizing them. Refraining from criticizing other people also helps me avoid criticizing myself. When I stop looking for things I dislike in others, I start finding things to appreciate in them instead; it works the same way when I do this for myself.

I’ve gradually gotten better at ignoring my inner critic and and seeing others for who they truly are instead of how I perceive them to be. This has also helped me see myself more clearly and objectively. As a result, I’m much more comfortable in everyday life whether I’m alone or with someone else. My relationships also feel much better and more natural since I started learning to be less critical. There are times where criticism is warranted, such as when someone asks for feedback or hurts another person, but I think most of the criticism in the world is unwarranted. My life has improved in so many ways as I’ve mostly stopped being critical, so this has been one of the best changes I’ve ever made and I’m so glad I did it.

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A Cool Pool Party

Posted on June 16, 2019 by admin

Yesterday, I went to a pool party with several friends I know from swing dancing. A few of them rented the clubhouse in their apartment complex for a few hours of swimming, dancing, games, and other types of fun. Here are some highlights from yesterday afternoon.

Most of us started by eating and socializing a bit. There was plenty of good food since it was a potluck party. I even got to take some food home afterward, so we had more than enough for everybody. After a while, we went outside and got in the pool. This is where we spent most of our time and had fun swimming, soaking each other, and floating on an inflatable duck and penguin. I enjoyed being in the pool because it gave us all the opportunity to play around and enjoy each other’s company in a very light, casual environment.

Since yesterday was World Juggling Day, I took my props to the party. There were at least seven jugglers there, so we juggled a lot, showed each other our skills, and had a lot of fun. My favorite part was amazing everyone by doing the Shim Sham while juggling three clubs. I even amazed myself with that since I’d never tried it before, although I’ve been able to do the Charleston while juggling since I first tried it at last year’s World Juggling Day. I also enjoyed juggling while standing on the big inflatable duck in the middle of the pool. That was much harder than anything else I did that day since I had to focus completely on keeping my balance and not think about the juggling. Once everyone had had their fill of juggling, we went back inside to eat some more, play games, and relax a bit before cleaning and resetting the clubhouse and heading out.

Something I didn’t realize until last night is that I went hours without looking at my phone or even having a desire to check it during the party. I was so interested in the people around me and the things we were doing together that the internet didn’t even cross my mind. I was totally content to enjoy the real world, so I completely ignored the online world; I think that was what made the party so enjoyable and so memorable. This is one of the most fun parties I’ve ever attended and I’m looking forward to many more like it.

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The Daily Stoic: “Try the Other Handle”

Posted on June 15, 2019 by admin

I recently started reading The Daily Stoic. This book contains a brief but profound philosophical message for every day of the year. It’s a great way to start my day and a great reminder that life is manageable. Lots of people figured out how to effectively navigate life long before anybody alive today was born and recorded their discoveries so that we can benefit from them thousands of years later. This is the message I read yesterday morning and it was a very timely reminder for me. It starts with a quote from Epictetus and then proceeds to the commentary from Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman, the authors of The Daily Stoic. I hope you enjoy it and find value in it.

“Every event has two handles – one by which it can be carried, and one by which it can’t. If your brother does you wrong, don’t grab it by his wronging, because this is the handle incapable of lifting it. Instead, use the other – that he is your brother, that you were raised together, and then you will have hold of the handle that carries.”

– Epictetus, Enchiridion, 43

The famous journalist William Seabrook suffered from such debilitating alcoholism that in 1933 he committed himself to an insane asylum, which was then the only place to get treatment for addiction. In his memoir, Asylum, he tells the story of the struggle to turn his life around inside the facility. At first he stuck to his addict way of thinking – and as a result, he was an outsider, constantly getting in trouble and rebelling against the staff. He made almost no progress and was on the verge of being asked to leave.

Then one day this very quote from Epictetus – about everything having two handles – occurred to him. “I took hold now by the other handle,” he related later, “and carried on.” He actually began to have a good time there. He focused on his recovery with real enthusiasm. “I suddenly found it wonderful, strange, and beautiful to be sober… It was as if a veil, or scum, or film had been stripped away from all things visual and auditory.” It’s an experience shared by many addicts when they finally stop doing things their way and actually open themselves to the perspectives and wisdom and lessons of those who have gone before them.

There is no promise that trying things this way – of grabbing the different handle – will have such momentous results for you. But why continue to life by the handle that hasn’t worked?

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What Do You Mean?

Posted on June 14, 2019 by admin

A lot of hostile exchanges originate from misunderstandings. When a misunderstanding occurs, there is an opportunity to ask for clarification, which can be done simply by asking “What do you mean?” in a calm, sincere fashion. If this opportunity is seized, it can get everyone on the same page, foster goodwill between all participants, and allow the conversation to continue without a hitch. However, if someone avoids asking for clarification and instead makes assumptions about what someone else said or the way they think, the whole exchange can quickly go off the rails. I’ve seen this happen a lot, especially in conversations about sensitive subjects where emotions tend to run high and it’s easy to speak before thinking.

I’ve found it helpful to avoid conversations that can easily turn into altercations and serve little to no good purpose even if they remain civil. That makes me less likely to say or do something I’ll regret later and gives me more time to focus on beneficial conversations. If I notice a conversation is starting to get tense, I’ll try to release some of that tension via one or more methods. Making the people around me laugh, distracting or surprising them with something unexpected, pausing for several seconds (sometimes longer), and changing the subject all work well if I do them in time. Disrupting everyone’s OODA loop, which each of the methods in the previous sentence can do, often diffuses confrontational situations and allows everyone involved to relax. This makes it much easier to get the conversation back on track or end it on a good note if it’s run its course.

As much as I talk about this stuff and encourage other people to do it, I don’t always follow my own advice. Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me and then I’ll start doing things that I know I should avoid. This always produces negative results and makes me wish I hadn’t done it, although that feeling probably makes me less likely to fall into that trap the next time it presents itself. Whenever I stop, take a breath, and ask for clarification, it always makes the conversation go more smoothly. This can turn a hostile exchange into a more civil one, or even prevent it from becoming hostile in the first place. I’d rather someone ask me to explain my perspective instead of making assumptions about the way I think, so I try to do the same for others whenever I can. And that can make all the difference.

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Review of The Signal and the Noise

Posted on June 13, 2019 by admin

The Signal and the Noise is a cool book by Nate Silver. Silver, who is a statistician, talks a lot about predictions and the many things that relate to them. The book is centered around finding the useful information that allows people to make accurate predictions (the signal) and everything else that can mislead them or distract them from the important stuff (the noise). This has applications for a wide range of disciplines, including economics, sports, gambling, and weather forecasting.

Silver has several good points for predictors, whether professional or hobbyist, to keep in mind. One of them has to do with their ability to make predictions. Some predictors think of themselves are more skilled than they actually are, which can result in them making extremely bold predictions that completely miss the mark. Even when they’re making predictions about common events and have a great deal of information about those events, they still deal with a lot of uncertainty. They often fail because they either overestimated or underestimated the probably of something occurring. For example, if someone regularly sees a lot of news reports about crime, they may think that crime is more common than it actually is. On the other hand, they may be totally unaware that something else ever occurs until it breaks into their world and takes them completely by surprise; in this case, they would be unlikely even to make a prediction about it in the first place since it would be an unknown unknown to them.

Something else that greatly affects the accuracy of someone’s predictions is the quality of the models they develop for making predictions. The more information someone has, the more accurate their predictions should be; bad models make worse predictions when they get more information. So if someone has access to a lot of information but they continually make incorrect predictions, they should either improve their existing models or abandon them in favor of better models. On the subject of accuracy, Silver encourages predictors to make the most accurate predictions they can based on the information they have and the models they use. They shouldn’t adjust their predictions in the hopes of becoming famous, advancing their careers, making a name for themselves, or otherwise trying to win favor from other people. Valuing accuracy over notoriety may not get them as much attention, but it sharpens their skills and allows them to better understand and navigate the world, which is much more useful and important than fame.

One of my favorite parts of the book dealt with Bayes’ theorem, which is a way to determine the probability of a given event. This requires having information about past occurrences of that event (if there are any) and making reasonable estimations of a few related pieces of information before plugging those numbers into a formula and getting the answer. I particular enjoyed this subject because it comes the closest I’ve ever seen to describing a formula for accurately predicting the future. This also ties in with an point from Pierre-Simon Laplace that Silver discusses earlier in the book: if we had perfect knowledge of all particles in the universe and all the ways that they’re affected by universal laws, we could make perfect predictions. Until that point, we can strive to get our predictions as close to perfect as we can even if we never achieve perfection.

The Signal and the Noise was a fun read for me since I spend a great deal of time thinking about the future and enjoy finding things that increase my chances of being able to correctly predict it. One of my all-time favorite books is The Fourth Turning, but that book is more about several predictions that the authors made and less about the different elements that are involved in making predictions. As far as I can remember, this is the first book I’ve read that explores what goes into making predictions in great detail, and learning this stuff was a lot more enjoyable than I initially thought it would be. Since I started reading the book, I’ve noticed myself trying to read a variety of situations and correctly predict their outcomes to an even greater degree than I usually do. I don’t know if I’m any better at this than I was before I read the book, but I’m having fun doing it. And, as Silver says toward the end of the book, the only way to get better at making predictions is to make a lot of them and hone in on what works while ignoring the rest. So if you’d like to learn more about this stuff and see how it affects your view of the world, I recommend checking out The Signal and the Noise.

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Achievement Without Effort

Posted on June 12, 2019 by admin

One of my favorite episodes of The Twilight Zone is called “A Nice Place to Visit”. It involves a thief who is fatally shot and finds himself in a place where he gets anything and everything he wants. He doesn’t encounter any resistance at all and he doesn’t even have to try to get his way. Figuring he must be in Heaven, he initially loves this place and enjoys everything it has to offer. After about a month, however, he grows weary of knowing that things will always work out in his favor and misses the rush that comes with uncertainty. He tells his guide that he doesn’t belong there and would rather be in Hell. In response, his guide replies that this is Hell and then laughs at him as he realizes his fate and tries desperately to leave.

This episode wonderfully illustrates an important point: getting everything you want without having to exert any effort would soon become boring and unfulfilling. I get a great feeling of accomplishment when I learn something new as well as whenever I reach a new milestone along the way. That feeling inspires me to keep going until I reach my goal, even if the journey is long and difficult. When I get where I want to be, I can look back on how far I’ve come and take satisfaction in what I’ve accomplished. However, if everything came naturally to me and I didn’t have to practice or fail along the way, I’d quickly grow bored and long for something challenging to do.

I recently started thinking about this episode because my life is way easier now than it’s been in a long time. A lot of the stress and challenges I once had are gone and it feels like I’m on an extended vacation, even on days that I go in to work. This started as a nice break from my previous job and schedule, but now it feels like things are too easy for me and that I’m starting to get soft. This may be why I had a lot of low-level anxiety last week and felt stressed even in calm situations; without sufficient challenges, I’m finding it harder to adjust to difficult or unexpected events and avoid taking things personally or make assumptions.

It helps that I’m still working on learning or getting better at several skills, including unicycling, dancing, and Spanish. That keeps some familiar challenges in my life and lets me see the progress that comes from regularly practicing them. Additionally, I try to keep in mind that this season in my life may be here so that I can rest. Maybe it’s here so that I can shake off the previous season and prepare for the next one. Sometimes I have to slow down and this may be one of those times. And now that I have more time and less overall stress, I can work on some of my bigger life goals in ways that I couldn’t before. So moving forward, I’m going to focus on enjoying this calmer season while still taking care of myself and working on the things that are important to me. I think that’s a good balance and the best way to handle this time in my life, which could turn out to be a stepping stone to something amazing.

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Creative Destruction

Posted on June 11, 2019 by admin

There is an economic concept called creative destruction. This refers to the continuous changes that occur within an economy as old systems are eliminated and new systems arise. I’ve also heard this applied to specifically to industries or even individual businesses. It’s important for those in business to find out what products and services people want to buy and satisfy those wants, and that includes changing their offerings as the demands of their customers change over time. In other words, it’s about knowing when to stop trying to making better VHS tapes and start making DVDs. Companies that adapt and provide what their customers want stand a much better chance of surviving than companies that don’t adapt.

I’ve mostly seen creative destruction mentioned in economic and business discussions, but it also works for self-improvement. By regularly evaluating my routines, interactions with other people, thought processes, and uses of time, I’ve been able to find out what works, what could be improved, and what needs to be abandoned. Getting rid of the dead weight allows me to try new things and develop better habits; doing this for a long time has resulted in a lot of major positive changes in my life. I wouldn’t be in a great place right now if I had only focused on improving the good stuff without getting rid of the bad stuff.

Creative destruction is one of many things that I’ve found useful in an area where it isn’t usually applied. I find a lot of useful things without even meaning to since I’m always learning more and trying out different things, often subconsciously. At some point, I’ll notice that things are going smoothly for me and realize that I’ve adopted something beneficial or stopped doing something harmful. A lot has changed in my life and there’ll be even more changes in the future, but I’ll always keep accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative wherever I can.

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The Method of Loci

Posted on June 10, 2019 by admin

Over the course of my life, I’ve used a lot of mnemonic devices, which are techniques for remembering things. One of the best I’ve found is called the method of loci. Also known as the “memory palace”, this mnemonic involves imagining a particular place and then adding things you want to remember at specific points along a path through that location. The place you imagine can be real or it can be imaginary; some people use buildings from popular fiction and others design their own place. I tend to use the front rooms of my house since I’m extremely familiar with them and I can easily visualize walking through them while “seeing” the things I want to remember. Visualization is often difficult for me, so it helps to use a familiar place that I know very well.

I primarily use the method of loci to memorize lists, especially when those lists contain a lot of things that I can easily visualize. For example, I might memorize a shopping list this way: I’ll put an orange on my front porch, a gallon of milk in the foyer, a box of cereal in the first room, and a pitcher of sweet tea in the next room. If I want to memorize a longer list, I can use more rooms and put more things in each room (maybe one thing on a couch, another thing on a chair, and so on). And the more interesting and unusual I can make the images, the easier it is to remember them. I find it more difficult to use this technique for remembering things that don’t have a strong visual element. However, competitors in the World Memory Championships have found ways to convert numbers, letters, words, and other things into images that they can put in their memory palaces. I’ve had some success with this, although I prefer to keep it simple as I don’t compete in memory competitions.

Even though I enjoy the method of loci, I don’t use it very often. There aren’t a lot of things I want to remember that work easily with this technique. For most things, I’ll either use another mnemonic or just memorize them. However, this mnemonic still comes in handy from time to time. It makes it much easier for me to remember lists that have highly visual things and it’s also fun to use. I hope you found this interesting to read, and, if you decide to try the method of loci, I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

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Crescendo Amelia Big Band and the Roaring Twenties Dance

Posted on June 9, 2019 by admin

Last night, I danced to some awesome music by Crescendo Amelia Big Band. This was the first event of theirs that I’ve been to in a while and I had a blast. Here’s an overview of that great night.

The event was pretty close to my house, which was nice since I’m used to driving much farther to dance. I arrived early to help set up, spent some time working the cash table during the dance, and stayed afterward to help with the breakdown and reset. There was a good turnout and nearly everyone was dressed in their coolest vintage-style clothes since the theme of the dance was Roaring Twenties. This made for a lot of great photos and gave the whole event a wonderful feel. I saw several regulars in the Jacksonville swing dance scene and some people that I hadn’t seen or danced with in a while.

There were a lot of fun moments from last night, but my favorite was the conga line that started toward the end of the dance. Almost everyone on the dance floor joined in and we would have danced right out the door if that song had gone on a little longer. That’s exactly the kind of goofy fun that I love about swing dancing and the people with whom I get to share it. It’s nice to be around others who have a similar sense of humor and are always up for a good time.

I thoroughly enjoyed dressing up, dancing, listening to the music, and seeing everyone. Plus it felt good to help out and make things easier on the people who put together the event. It was nice getting to visit and dance with so many awesome people. That’s really what I love about going to these kinds of events. Even if I have to drive longer to get to one, it’s always worth it.

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300 Posts

Posted on June 8, 2019 by admin

This is my 300th blog post. I’m amazed at this for several reasons. First, I remember when I started my blog and hadn’t yet put up a single post. Sometimes that feels like ages ago and other times it feels like I just started. And second, I’ve been able to stick to my goal of a post every day for just about two months shy of a year now. I’ve gone on several multi-day trips, spent several days working 10+ hours at two jobs, and had other extremely busy periods since I started blogging, and yet I’ve always managed to find time to prepare a blog post. They haven’t always been groundbreaking, insightful, or useful, but I’ve always done my best to at least make them entertaining and worth reading. And I am proud of the quality of several posts that I started and finished within the same day. I think that’s only possible since I read nearly everything I can get my hands on, regularly discuss big ideas with other curious people, think through a lot of things before I ever start typing them out, and am so used to working on my computer. That makes it much easier to crank out posts than it would be if I were missing any one of those habits.

I had originally planned to put up a post every day for a year and then switch over to a more relaxed schedule, perhaps a post a week. That would mean putting up my 365th post halfway through August of this year. However, I decided a while back to continue my daily posts through the end of 2019. That way I’ll have posted each day for a year from the time I started blogging as well as a full calendar year. Once I’ve finished that (by which time I’ll have well over 500 posts), I’ll probably start posting once a week, which will give me more time to assemble posts, improve their quality, explore more new ideas, and devote more attention to other things in my life. That will also give me more time to comb through my past posts and figure out which ones would work well in the book I’m writing. Although I’ll probably miss posting every day for a while, I think moving to weekly posts will be a welcome break and a good change of direction.

As I’ve mentioned in this and other posts, it’s often difficult for me to come up with new posts. I’ve gone through a lot of ideas that I’ve spent years developing and can explain easily, so it’s been a stretch much of the time to think of and flesh out the next idea. Some of my posts have explored the same subjects from different angles, which I’ve enjoyed doing. Revisiting a subject once I’ve gathered more knowledge and experience has given me some additional nuance and perspective, and it also gives me more appreciation for that subject. I like the challenge of constantly finding new things worth sharing and seeing how much that’s improved my ability to learn new things, quickly find solutions to problems in all areas of my life, and articulate my ideas both verbally and in written form. But above all else, I’ve kept this up because of everyone who’s enjoyed my blog. I regularly get positive comments and reactions when I share my posts on social media. At least once a month, someone will say that a particular post helped them just when they needed it. I’ll occasionally hear that and other positive comments directly from some people I know in person as well. I’ve always loved sharing my ideas with other people and this blog has been a great way to do that. As long as I have ideas worth sharing, I’ll keep putting up posts about things that have changed my life for the better and hoping that they continue to do the same for others.

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