Situations Beyond My Control

Posted on July 7, 2019 by admin

I had some major reminders and realizations yesterday. It started when I had to deliver bad news and let someone down, both of which I hate to do. This caused a bit of confrontation which, fortunately, was resolved shortly thereafter and faded away as if it had never happened. However, my mind still made it much worse at the time than it really was. Whenever I get into a confrontational situation, I expect the worst. I expect someone to yell at me, get in my face, or hit me. That gets my adrenaline going. Trying to stay calm and diffuse the situation, which I’m still not very good at or experienced at doing, often makes me feel helpless. The best way I can think to describe it is to compare it to Bruce Banner being stuck in limbo somewhere between his normal form and the Hulk, unable to fully transform or go back to being human. Instead of being able to access his normal intelligence or the power of the Hulk, he’s in a totally ineffective and useless position where he has the worst of both worlds. That’s how I feel in confrontational situations.

This made me realize how much I hate not having some control over my situation, or being in unfamiliar territory. I mostly feel comfortable when I’m in familiar territory and know what to expect. In situations like that, it’s as if I’m playing a video game level that I can win effortlessly because I’ve played it countless times and know exactly what to do and when to do it. When I don’t have the experience and knowledge that tells me exactly what to do, I feel lost. I think that’s why I’ve read a lot about persuasion since 2017. That’s helped in some ways, but there is still the matter of remembering what I’ve read and putting it into practice. Even then, it doesn’t always work as I think it will. When that happens, I’m really up a creek without a paddle.

It took a lot of deep breathing and redirecting to settle myself and get back to a good place. I’ve made a lot of progress at this stuff over the past few years but I still have a lot of work ahead of me. As I continue working on these things, I’m going to try to go easy on myself, keep in mind that I’m trying to change habits that I’ve practiced for decades, and remember the life hacks that have taken me further than I ever thought possible. I’m also going to work more on relaxing in situations that are beyond my control and avoiding people pleasing. I don’t know how this next leg of my journey will look but I’m hoping it’ll bring me more freedom, confidence, and peace.

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Golden Silence

Posted on July 6, 2019 by admin

On Thursday, my mindfulness buddy mentioned driving around in silence as a mindfulness exercise and asked if I’d ever tried it. I said no and then started realizing how uncomfortable I can feel in silence (outside of floating, that is). So since then, I’ve been doing something that I never thought I could do: staying quiet when I’m by myself. In most of my regular circles, I’m known for being on the quiet side. I’m generally comfortable in conversations with someone I know well and I can talk forever about subjects that I love, but the bigger the group, the less I say. When I’m alone, however, I almost never stop talking, singing, whistling, or making some other kind of sound. I also usually listen to music, a podcast, or a speech when I’m in my car or at home. It’s been startling to realize just how rarely I have any true quiet time.

I think this has a lot to do with my internal monologue and the anxiety it causes me. Although meditating and floating have helped me quiet my mind and increased my control over my thoughts, I still find it difficult to turn off the voice in my head. I’m used to having some kind of sound around me and talking to myself is one way to maintain that familiar, comfortable experience. And, as I’m discovering, it also makes it harder for me to stay present. Turns out that it’s easier to notice what’s going on in my mind when I’m quiet.

This may be the missing piece of the puzzle that’s been staring me in the face this whole time. It’s only been a day or two since I stopped talking to myself and started enjoying the silence and I’m already reaping the benefits. Cutting out the verbal noise has helped reduce the mental noise and allowed me to channel my thinking in positive directions. And it’s actually been much easier than I anticipated. Of all the habits I’ve broken over the years, this one has probably required the least amount of effort. I’m pleasantly surprised by that and I look forward to seeing what else this practice does for me as I make it a regular part of my life.

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True Communities

Posted on July 5, 2019 by admin

Nowadays, it’s possible to live without ever really getting to know anyone. Some people do this intentionally by making it a point to keep to themselves, but others can fall into this without even trying. Long gone are the days where most people get to know their neighbors, regularly visit with them, and support each other during the hard times in life. The few neighborhood communities like this that still exist are mostly populated by people who grew up when this was the norm. These people managed to maintain their communities despite massive economic and cultural changes. As such, they provide a chance to see a way of life that was once common but is now nearly nonexistent.

This change hasn’t been all bad, however. In some ways, it’s brought about positive things, such as allowing people to find and cultivate friendships outside of their neighborhoods. This is beneficial for those who have little spare time and would rather focus on the people they met through a shared interest than the people who live down the street and are essentially total strangers. And plenty of people can and do still support each other in tough times, even when they’re far apart. The internet has made it easier than ever to do this and lots of people use it regularly for that purpose. Additionally, the decline of neighborhood communities allows one’s house to be more of a retreat, with little to no chance of anyone dropping in unexpectedly even in the most populous neighborhoods. With so many people hustling and grinding through the day, having a peaceful place where they can take a break from the world is exactly what they need.

I’ve changed some of my thinking on this subject since I’ve thought more about it and recalled my experiences with it. I now think that communities haven’t gone away, they’ve just changed over time, most notably by becoming less dependent on location and place of residence. Even in a city like Jacksonville that is massive and widely spread out, communities are still alive and well. My time in the swing dance scene has shown me that firsthand. Most of the trips I’ve taken in the past few years have been with some of the people I’ve met through swing dancing. Many of these were trips to a dance event, but several have simply been opportunities for us to visit with each other and enjoy each other’s company wherever we’ve gone. I never expected to see this or be part of it when I first started dancing, but that’s exactly what’s happened. So even if neighborhood communities have mostly gone by the wayside, true communities where people know, understand, support, and love each other are still alive and well. And I’m so glad to be part of a great one.

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How Much Is Enough?

Posted on July 4, 2019 by admin

Ever since I started reading Walden, I’ve been thinking a lot about independence and self-sufficiency. The book covers the two years that Henry David Thoreau spent living in a cabin that he built himself near Walden Pond in Concord, Massachusetts. Although I’m not very far into the book yet, I’m still enjoying reading it and learning about Thoreau’s thoughts on society, humanity, and simple living. I’ve done a lot to simplify my life, including gradually moving away from materialism, so I wanted to read about Thoreau’s experiences with a simpler lifestyle. As I expected, it’s put a lot of things in perspective for me and made me think differently about a number of subjects.

Thoreau mentions that he was able to build his cabin for about the same price it would have cost him to rent a house or an apartment for a year. Given that the book was first published in 1854, I suspect that indoor plumbing, electricity, air conditioning, heating, and other things that now make housing quite expensive would make it much cheaper to live simply in the woods than to rent an inexpensive apartment for a year. Besides the reduced cost of living, you’d also gain a lot of independence from not being connected to a grid or under the control of a homeowner’s association or a landlord. Being as self-sufficient and independent as possible would allow you to live incredibly freely and make it much harder for other people to control you. The longing for more freedom and independence are what motivate some people to move into a secluded area and start an off-grid homestead so that they can live as they see fit.

Modern societies depend on a lot of incredibly complicated, vulnerable systems. If one of those systems collapsed for an extended period of time, then things would quickly start unraveling. Imagine, for example, how people would react if they went to the grocery store and saw empty shelves in every aisle. How much food does the average person keep in their house, and how good are they at growing, hunting, or finding food? Most people nowadays have little to no survival skills because, quite simply, they don’t need them when things are going well. Personally, I’d be in big trouble if I had to acquire my own food, water, and shelter for more than a few days. Someone who is an expert at surviving long-term without depending on modern technology or on other people to do anything for them stands a much better chance than I do of getting through a societal collapse.

This brings me to the question I posed in the title: how much is enough? For survival purposes, a lot of knowledge and a decent amount of resources will suffice. The more resources you add, the more comfortable and luxurious your life will be, and the less you’ll have to depend on survival knowledge or skills. I can see the value in being able to live off the land with hardly any man-made resources for extended periods of time. That’s a necessity in simpler societies and can still prove useful when emergencies occur in more complex societies. On the other hand, I can also see value in specialization and division of labor; I’m glad that I don’t have to rely on my own skills for food, clean water, or shelter, which gives me more time to pursue my interests in a way that might otherwise be extremely difficult. I think it would be beneficial for me to continue simplifying my life while simultaneously learning more basic survival skills. That way I can still enjoy some of the benefits of modern society alongside more personal freedom and the ability to survive if things start going downhill and modern conveniences fail. I think that would let me live in a way that I’d find satisfying and fulfilling while also still fairly comfortable and convenient. Whatever your thoughts on these subjects, I hope you’ve found this post interesting and thought-provoking and I will see you next time.

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A Better Way to Drive

Posted on July 3, 2019 by admin

There is a great YouTube channel called CGP Grey. The creator makes entertainingly informative videos on a wide range of subjects and one of those videos changed the way I think about driving in heavy traffic. I’d like to talk about it in this post since I think it has the potential to do a lot of good if more people learned about and adopted this strategy.

In short, the idea is to keep the same amount of space between the vehicle ahead of you and the vehicle behind you. This will give you enough time to react as needed and prevent you or the car behind you from having to brake suddenly. I try to keep this in mind whenever I’m on the road, especially during congested periods. When I’m in stop-and-go traffic, I’d rather slowly move forward at a steady pace than continually alternate between speeding up and slowing down. This means resisting the urge to mimic the other drivers around me and instead follow a better approach.

This strategy is also effective at red lights. Giving the car ahead of you some space will allow you to accelerate sooner and more quickly once the light turns green, making you more likely to get through the intersection before the next red light. Just as with heavy traffic on normal roads, this means that I have to be more patient and refrain from getting as close as possible to the car that’s in front of me. This was difficult for a while but it’s become almost second nature at this point since I’ve practiced it so much.

At the very least, this strategy makes me feel calmer when I’m in heavy traffic. It helps me to keep in mind that driving quickly and staying close to the car ahead of me will just keep me stuck there longer, so why intentionally frustrate and detain myself? In times of heavy traffic, as in many other times in life, doing the opposite of what is common and intuitive works much better and gets me closer to where I want to be. I hope that this has been useful and reduces the time you spend in heavy traffic if you decide to test this strategy for yourself.

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Meditating Through the Simple Tasks

Posted on July 2, 2019 by admin

Contrary to how it’s often portrayed, meditation doesn’t necessarily involve sitting in a specific position with your eyes closed. You can meditate almost anytime during the day, especially when you’re doing something that requires little to no thought. Since I started meditating regularly last year, I’ve gradually found ways to turn simple tasks into meditative experiences. I really started thinking about this yesterday while I was folding laundry and listening to this Alan Watts guided meditation. The simple, repetitive nature of the task freed up a lot of mental space and allowed me to think about whatever I liked or, as I did a few times, avoid thinking altogether. During that time, I could observe my thoughts without getting overwhelmed by them, which is the entire purpose of mindfulness meditation.

Doing simple tasks while letting my mind wander can be a powerful practice. I find it easier when I listen to something since a bit of sound helps me focus my thoughts and it can also bring me back to the present moment if I start getting lost in my stream of consciousness. If I’m not listening to anything in particular, then I’ll often talk or think through something that’s on my mind. That’s where I’ve gotten a lot of realizations about things I should do differently my life as well as a lot of ideas for blog posts. It’s also given me a lot of quiet, peaceful moments to practice centering and calming myself, which comes in handy during more turbulent moments.

If you’d like to try this for yourself, then I recommend picking a song or sound that’ll give you some pleasant background noise. Try to use something that you can almost tune out; it should be something that you can use as an occasional anchor for your thoughts if necessary but also light enough and simple enough that you’re not devoting your full attention to it. Once you’ve got the sound in place, breathe slowly and deeply and get lost in whatever activity you’re doing. Your mind may wander or it may settle on a particular thought; either one is fine as both afford you an opportunity to observe your thoughts from a distance. I think you’ll find this to be a pleasant experience and you might even get some cool ideas or insights out of it. If you do try this, I’d love to hear about your experience and if you plan on making it a regular practice.

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Lights in the World

Posted on July 1, 2019 by admin

Here’s to everyone who looks at the state of the world and does their best to improve it. They could have shrugged their shoulders and walked away to live simple, easy lives. But they didn’t. They chose to stick it out, pay it forward, and make a difference. This is often difficult and sometimes results in a life of hardship for those working to leave the world better than they found it, with no guarantee that they’ll get any recognition for their efforts in life or in death. And still, they keep going.

Much of their work involves sharing the life lessons they’ve learned with whoever is willing to listen to them. Some of these lessons appeared during times of quiet solitude in peaceful places. The lack of external distractions allowed them to notice things they would ordinarily miss, so there is a great deal of value in the occasional retreat. Some people have gone on permanent retreats, choosing to live far away from the madness, violence, and unconsciousness. But others have come back refreshed and ready to pick things up right where they left them.

The people who’ve done this for a long time understand that self-improvement is an individual decision and one that can’t be forced on anyone. This inclines them to focus most strongly on the people who are open to their message while hoping that those who aren’t interested will come around eventually. That’s always a possibility, as some people need to see everyone around them living happily, freely, and effectively before they can commit to doing the same.

Through their example, these people inspire others to do small acts of random kindness. This is how their influence spreads and touches the lives of countless people that they will never personally meet but will still benefit from their work. The effects of their actions appear slowly at first but then manifest increasingly faster as more people learn about their ideas, put them into practice, and share them with their loved ones. Although the end results are much bigger and more intricate than anything they could do alone, they still deserve credit for getting the ball rolling and showing others a better way to live. Because without their light, the world would be a much darker place.

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Ichetucknee Springs Day 2019

Posted on June 30, 2019 by admin

Yesterday, I went to Ichetucknee Springs State Park with a group of my swing dancing friends for some swimming, tubing, and dancing. This was the third time I’ve been to that park and was by far my most enjoyable time there. Here are some of the highlights from that amazing day.

We had a good-sized group going, so most of us split up into smaller groups and carpooled. My group listened to a podcast and some nice music on our way there. Once everyone arrived and we all had our tubes, we hopped on the shuttle and rode down to the river entrance. There are a few different entrances but we chose the one that would give us a shorter float so we’d have time to get in everything we wanted to do. Apart from popping a few tubes, the float went smoothly: we sang songs, took pictures, and had fun meandering down the river. We sat down at the picnic tables after the float to enjoy our lunch and rest a bit before continuing our adventures. After lunch, we headed over to the springs portion of the park and enjoyed hanging out in the cold water. I particularly enjoyed this part since the water felt incredibly refreshing in the hot weather; I took one last quick dip in the second spring right before we left. We spent some time in both of the springs and then danced a bit on a wooden walkway, being careful to avoid getting splinters in our feet. Fortunately, we managed to get out of there ahead of the rain and headed back to Jacksonville.

Right before we left the park, we decided to try out a local taco restaurant in Jacksonville called Murray’s Taco Bodega. This was my first time there and I enjoyed my order, including the Mexican Coca-Cola that they had. I rarely drink soda and don’t like most sodas that I’ve tried, including regular Coca-Cola. The Mexican Coca-Cola tasted about the same to me although it did feel smoother and less harsh than regular Coca-Cola. Plus it was served in a nice glass bottle that I got to rinse out and keep afterward. I probably wouldn’t get it again but I liked it well enough and I’m glad I tried it. We spent some time visiting and letting our food settle until we were ready to go. For dessert, we walked down to Dreamette, which is a local ice cream place that’s been in operation since 1948. We all enjoyed some of their amazing soft serve ice cream and visited some more. By that point, I was well spent and knew I still had a lot of stuff to do before bed, so I said my goodbyes, rode back to my car, made sure I had all my stuff, and headed for home.

The first time I went to Ichetucknee Springs as a kid, I got overwhelmed by the cold water in one of the springs and threw up in the bathroom. I did much better last year by getting into both springs and submerging myself up to my neck in one of them. This year, I did even better. I got all the way up to my neck in one of them and stayed there for a few minutes, focusing on my breath and treating it like a meditative experience. When I got to the other one, I went completely under the water and stayed in that spring for a good while even though it was much colder than the other one. Whenever I was in the water, I focused a lot on the breathing techniques that Wim Hof uses to stay warm in extremely cold environments. This, as well as all the cold showers I’ve taken since last year, helped me feel comfortable in the river and the first spring and find the courage to get into the second spring and stay there until I had been shivering for a few minutes. I’m glad that I’ve gotten steadily more comfortable in cold water and can enjoy Ichetucknee Springs more than I ever could before.

I’m also glad that most of us had little to no cell phone reception for the bulk of the day. I’ve been making more of an effort to ignore my phone and be present during my in-person interactions, and I think it’s made a huge positive difference. Given how much everyone seemed to enjoy interacting while our phones were useless, I think yesterday is further evidence for the value in unplugging from technology and fully focusing on the people around you. More than anything else, that’s what made yesterday so wonderful from beginning to end and I’m so thankful I could be a part of it.

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A Relaxation Routine

Posted on June 29, 2019 by admin

Sometimes when I’m floating or going to sleep, I’ll go through a relaxation routine that helps me settle in and release the tension from my body. Although floating regularly has been the best thing I’ve found for getting quality sleep, relaxing my body at night still helped me long before I started floating. I thought I’d write out a similar routine and share it with you in case you find it helpful.

Let’s start by getting into a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down. If you choose to sit, find a position that doesn’t require supporting yourself with your legs. That will make it easier to relax your whole body. Try to watch your breath throughout this routine, making sure that you’re breathing deeply through your diaphragm. Allow your stomach to expand like a balloon on each inhalation and then deflate on every exhalation. If you like, you can focus on an area of your when you inhale and then release the tension from it when you inhale; if that proves troublesome, then just move at your own pace. You may discover that some areas require several deep breaths before they can be fully relaxed. You may also find it helpful to imagine that you’re sinking into the surface that’s supporting you, or that every area of your body is being pulled down by chains attached to heavy anchors.

When you’re ready, focus on the lower section of your body, starting with your toes. Release all tension from them and make them as relaxed as you can. Do that for your feet, your lower legs, and your knees as you slowly work your way up your body. If you get to your upper legs and notice that an area you’ve passed has gotten tense again, that’s fine. Just go back, focus on relaxing it once more, and then continue from where you left off when you’re ready.

Next, the middle section of your body. Focus first on your waist and hips. It’s easy to hold a lot of tension in this region, so really focus on letting go completely to give those muscles a break. When you get to your lower torso, check in with your breath. Make sure you’re still breathing in a slow, controlled fashion from your diaphragm. That’ll help relax the muscles in your stomach and lower back. After that, you can focus on your upper torso. If you’re breathing shallowly, you’ll probably notice a feeling of tightness and perhaps even a bit of pain in your chest. This should go away after a few minutes of deep breathing.

The shoulders are another favorite area for tension to hide. If your shoulders feel tense, you can relax them by bringing them up, pulling them back, and then dropping them down. Repeat as many times as you like, reversing the direction of the movement if you feel inclined. Once you’re satisfied, shake them out and then feel them settle into a relaxed position. That’ll also help you relax your arms. When you get down to your hands, you may notice that they’re tightly clenched. To remedy this, open your hands and make them as big as you can, spreading out each finger as much and as far back as possible. Going from a closed position to an open position will make it easier to settle them into a comfortable, relaxed position somewhere in between the two extremes.

Lastly, there is the upper section of your body. As with your shoulders, it’s easy to hold a great deal of tension in your neck. You can loosen up your neck by lowering your head until your chin is on your chest, or at least close to it. Then roll it toward your right shoulder, up so that you’re looking at the ceiling, down toward your left shoulder, and finally back to the starting position. Repeat this as many times as you like, going in the other direction as well if you feel inclined. When you’re ready, allow your neck to settle into a relaxed position. Finally, focus on your face. Loosen your jaw, relax the muscles around your eyes, and feel any tension in your forehead melt away as your eyebrows relax into a neutral position.

Now that you’ve relaxed your whole body, observe your mental state as well as your physical state. How do you feel, and do you feel differently than you did when you started? I hope this works as well for you as it does for me, and, if it does, you’ll probably feel amazing by the time you’re finished.

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Lessons from Unicycling

Posted on June 28, 2019 by admin

I got a unicycle for Christmas last year and I’ve practiced at it every day since. As a result, I’ve gradually gotten better at it, though I have had to make some occasional adjustments. For starters, it took me a long time to find a good height for the seat. Once I had that figured out, I discovered that the seat sometimes turns to one side; I always stop and fix that it when I notice it’s gone askew. Earlier this month, I realized that the seat had come loose, so I tightened the bolts that hold it in place. And most recently, I added some air to the tire when I suspected that it might be a bit low. Every time I’ve made these adjustments, my unicycle practice has become easier, better, and more comfortable. I recently started thinking about how this applies to life as well.

Every so often, I’ll think about my habits and routines and see if anything needs an adjustment. It’s easy for me to forget some things that I’m trying to incorporate into my life, so an occasional check-in shows me where I should direct my attention. Whenever I find something worth changing, I try to go easy on myself as I go about making adjustments. This makes the whole process easier and makes me more likely to succeed at implementing those positive changes.

I don’t get upset at my unicycle for needing an occasional tune-up, so why should I get upset at myself for that reason? That’s just part of life and self-improvement. However, it took me a long time to accept this. I used to beat myself up whenever I did slipped up. In addition to making me feel bad, that also made it harder for me to do better next time since my self-talk was so negative. Improving my self-talk and finding ways to encourage myself to stick to my values has made all the difference for me. And, just like with unicycling, practicing this stuff a bit every day has taken me further than I ever could have imagined.

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