Some Realizations About Solving Problems

Posted on November 14, 2019 by admin

I had a few recent realizations about solving problems. Although I love helping other people and can point them in directions that might be beneficial to them, it’s important to show them respect by giving them space to solve their own problems. They might ask for my help or agree to let me weigh in if I ask them, but ultimately they have to do the work themselves.

There is no guarantee that I can solve or even understand someone else’s problems. If I volunteer myself to help out without having sufficient knowledge of the situation and their take on it, I might end up making things worse. Plus they might not want help from me or anyone else. They may want to handle things on their own, or they may just want someone to listen and understand where they’re at. Sometimes listening is the best way I can help someone; they may be able to talk themselves to a solution if I’m there holding space for them.

The book Boundaries has heavily shaped my thinking on this stuff. It’s caused me to make some decisions that were difficult to accept initially but have made more sense to me over time. Namely, it’s shown me the importance of avoiding becoming dependent on other people to solve my problems. I want to be able to sort things out for myself whenever possible and I want the same for those around me. This is a huge part of independence and I don’t want to deprive anyone of being able to utilize this ability. So now I’m very cautious when it comes to giving advice and trying to lend a helping hand. It’s become easier for me to feel into a situation and know what to say and do to make the best impact, and I’m incredibly grateful for that.

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The Daily Stoic: “Never Complain, Never Explain”

Posted on November 13, 2019 by admin

I agree to a certain extent with this entry from The Daily Stoic. Generally, complaining and making excuses merely compounds existing problems rather than solving them. In some cases, however, I’ve managed to find solutions through complaining, venting, or even ranting about particular problems. Still, I usually always find it much more effective to take a few deep breaths, calmly describe the problem, think a little about potential solutions, and give my subconscious plenty of space to work on finding a way out. I get better results more quickly this way and I also avoid getting needlessly worked up. So overall, I think this entry does a good job describing something that, when I remember to practice it, makes my life much easier.

“Don’t allow yourself to be heard any longer griping about public life, not even with your own ears!”

–Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.9

Not only do even the most fortunate of us complain, it often seems like the more fortunate we are, the more time we have to do so. Marcus Aurelius was a reluctant chief executive – just as you might be a reluctant accountant, kid’s soccer coach, or lawyer. Or perhaps you generally like your job, but you could do without a few of its attendant responsibilities. Where does that thinking get you? Nowhere, other than in a negative state of mind.

It calls to mind a motto of British prime minister Benjamin Disraeli: “Never complain, never explain.” He said this because, like Marcus, he knew that the burdens of responsibility were immense. It’s so easy to complain about this or that, or to try to make excuses and justifications for the things you’ve done. But that doesn’t accomplish anything – and it never lightens the load.

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Adjusting Expectations

Posted on November 12, 2019 by admin

Yesterday, I received a great reminder about the power of expectations. Someone at my job told me that negative emotions tend to arise when there’s a difference between one’s expectations and one’s situation. For example, if I’m driving during rush hour and expecting no traffic, I’ll be disappointed and frustrated when I hit congestion; the drive will also feel longer to me than it actually is. On the other hand, keeping in mind that delays are highly likely during rush hour makes it easier for me to relax and enjoy the journey. That mindset shift gives me much more inner peace even though the situation is the same in both cases.

Trying to match my expectations with the situations I get into is different than having no expectations, which is how I’d like to operate. I find the first option to be much easier than the second and I think it might be good practice for working toward eliminating my expectations and accepting things as they are. It has to be a better approach than continuing to set unrealistic expectations and getting upset when I don’t get what I wanted.

I understand these things intellectually but I don’t always remember to practice them. As I’ve said in past posts, trying to change lifelong habits is quite difficult and slow. I think I’ll get there once I’ve spent enough time working on this stuff that it becomes second nature for me. That conversation I had at work feels like a sign to me that I’m on the right track. When I’m paying attention, I notice all kinds of signs that point me in a particular direction or tell me to keep going on my current path. So I’m optimistic about my future with this stuff and I look forward to seeing what happens as I keep moving forward.

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The Fork Theory

Posted on November 11, 2019 by admin

I recently learned of the Fork Theory through a post on social media. Earlier today, I found out that Jenrose originally posted about this brilliant concept in 2018. Although I also appreciate the Spoon Theory (linked below), I think the Fork Theory is even better. It does a great job explaining burnout clearly and simply, fits nicely with my post on compounding misery, and shows that solving small problems makes it easier to solve big problems. So without further ado, here’s the Fork Theory:

Have I told y’all about my husband’s Fork Theory?

So the Spoon Theory is a fundamental metaphor used often in the chronic pain/chronic illness communities to explain to non-spoonies why life is harder for them. It’s super useful and we use that all the time.

But it has a corollary.

You know the phrase, “Stick a fork in me, I’m done,” right?

Well, Fork Theory is that one has a Fork Limit, that is, you can probably cope okay with one fork stuck in you, maybe two or three, but at some point you will lose your sh*t if one more fork happens.

A fork could range from being hungry or having to pee to getting a new bill or a new diagnosis of illness. There are lots of different sizes of forks, and volume vs. quantity means that the fork limit is not absolute. I might be able to deal with 20 tiny little escargot fork annoyances, such as a hangnail or slightly suboptimal pants, but not even one “you poked my trigger on purpose because you think it’s fun to see me melt down” pitchfork.

This is super relevant for neurodivergent folk. Like, you might be able to deal with your feet being cold or a tag, but not both. Hubby describes the situation as “It may seem weird that I just get up and leave the conversation to go to the bathroom, but you just dumped a new financial burden on me and I already had to pee, and going to the bathroom is the fork I can get rid of the fastest.”

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Some of My Contradictions

Posted on November 10, 2019 by admin

These are some of the contradictions I’ve noticed within myself. I don’t fault myself for having these contradictions. As far as I can tell, everyone has some inconsistencies, so that may just be part of the human experience. Maybe it’s possible to get to a point where all contradictions are resolved and there is perfect consistency among thoughts, words, and actions. I’m not worried about it achieving perfect consistency. I’m just going to keep observing myself, loving myself, and enjoying the journey of self-discovery.

  1. I think community is extremely important yet I choose to spend a lot of time by myself
  2. I believe in thinking well of other people but I have a lot of trouble doing that at times
  3. I understand the value of forgiveness yet I struggle to forgive certain people
  4. I know the importance of consistently working toward my goals but I mostly relax and lounge around in my free time
  5. I think balance is crucial yet I’m drawn to extremes
  6. I wish more people would speak their minds but I seldom do so
  7. I talk about self-awareness yet I still am so unaware of much of what I do
  8. I value understanding but I can still be quick to make assumptions and write people off
  9. I hate being interrupted but I sometimes interrupt others
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4 Books Everyone Should Read Right Now

Posted on November 9, 2019 by admin

Things seem to be getting crazier out there, or maybe it’s just me. I try to stay out of the worst of it as much as I can but I feel that I should say something about it. Thinking about everything that’s going on right now made me realize that it can all be boiled down into a few key issues. I then thought of a few books that can be helpful for addressing these issues and providing a path toward a solution. With that in mind, here are the books that I think everyone should read right now.

The Righteous Mind

This book is all about why people think they way that they do and how good people can disagree on political and religious matters. Jonathan Haidt does a great job explaining some big psychological concepts in a way that the average person can understand fairly easily. If more people understand how others think and where they’re coming from, then there will be more widespread empathy and peace, and we need as much of both of those things as we can get right now.

Letting Go

By far the best book I’ve read this year and one of the most helpful books I’ve ever read. Letting Go has reminded me of the importance of spending time each day working through unwanted emotions. It got me through the most difficult season in recent memory and I’m sure it can do the same for anyone else who needs some emotional healing.

The Fourth Turning

The Fourth Turning is all about cycles and patterns that repeat through the ages. It contains a lot of stuff related to generations, including why people in different generations live and act as they do. Since there have seemingly always been generational battles, I figure this book could be useful for facilitating understanding and showing that what’s going on now has happened countless times before and will likely continue to happen.

Man’s Search for Meaning

Although I’m only about halfway through with this book, I can already tell that it’s a powerful resource for healing from traumatic experiences. Viktor Frankl uses his own experiences in a concentration camp to illustrate the techniques that helped him survive and find meaning in life despite everything he went through. I waited until I was in a good place mentally before reading the book due to the heavy subject matter, so keep that in mind if you decide to check it out. Still, I think it could be an invaluable resource for many people who are hurting and want relief.

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Just Relax

Posted on November 8, 2019 by admin

Being able to relax in difficult situations makes them much easier to handle. I started thinking about this on two separate occasions earlier in the week. The first situation took place in the shower. Whenever I take a cold shower, I brace myself for the initial hit and then try to relax as quickly as possible. Staying calm and breathing through it helps me get used to the temperature so that, after a minute or two, I can stand comfortably under the water and enjoy the cold. By the end, I barely even notice the temperature and I’m not shivering or uncomfortable at all. This allows me to enjoy cold showers and reap the physical and mental benefits they provide.

The second situation occurred at my job. I talked to a customer over the phone about something that had the potential to become contentious but, fortunately, it never did. In addition to the customer being a pretty easygoing person, I also used some things I learned from Never Split the Difference. Aside from keeping myself calm and maintaining a friendly voice, I gave the customer plenty of space to talk about their side of the matter without interrupting or disputing them. I also kept in mind that the problem wasn’t the customer, it was the underlying situation; that made it easier to treat the customer with kindness and respect as we both worked to resolve the situation. Lastly, when I paused to check something on the computer, I let them know what I was doing and used that bit of quiet time to think about what I would say next.

I’m still working on relaxing in as many situations as possible. Right now I manage to do it some of the time but not as much as I’d like. Seeing how much better I feel when I successfully accomplish it motivates me to keep working on it and thinking about how I’ve slowly gotten better at this over time gives me hope that I’ll continue improving as I go. What helps you relax in difficult situations? I’d love to hear from you about your experiences with this, so leave a comment if you like and I’ll see you in the next post.

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Gentle Guidance

Posted on November 7, 2019 by admin

This is a wonderful short story from How to Win Friends and Influence People. It does a great job showing how the power of gentle guidance and kindness works much better than force and brutality. I’ve been thinking of this a lot lately and I hope that its message of peace catches on. Without further ado, here it is:

“For example: one day Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son tried to get a calf into the barn. But they made the common mistake of thinking only of what they wanted: Emerson pushed and his son pulled. But the calf was doing just what they were doing; he was thinking only of what he wanted; so he stiffened his legs and stubbornly refused to leave the pasture. The Irish housemaid saw their predicament. She couldn’t write essays and books; but, on this occasion at least, she had more horse sense, or calf sense, than Emerson had. She thought of what the calf wanted; so she put her maternal finger in the calf’s mouth and let the calf suck her finger as she gently led him into the barn.”

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The Contrarian Game

Posted on November 6, 2019 by admin

Something I’ve found useful for avoiding the ideology trap is playing the contrarian game. This simply involves arguing against whatever opinions I come across or think about even if I happen to agree with them. Doing so forces me to see more than one side of a subject and makes me consider things that I’d have otherwise ignored. It also increases my empathy for other people as it gives me a better understanding of how they think and why they’ve adopted their chosen opinions. If I get to this point with any given opinion, I’ve “won” and feel much better than I did beforehand.

While this is fairly easy to do with the opinions of others, it’s often quite difficult to do this with my own opinions. I don’t like to be wrong and this approach often shows me where I’ve made a mistake with my thinking. However, it allows me to test things, find out what works and what doesn’t, and make the necessary changes. That makes it worth the trouble and the pain that sometimes goes along with this process. I can lessen some of that pain by detaching from my positions (such as thinking of them as merely positions rather than calling them my positions) and just observing them without trying to cling to them or justify them to myself. Playing the contrarian game then becomes much easier and much more enjoyable.

If you decide to try the contrarian game for yourself, be careful with it. It’s easy for me to get carried away and end up automatically arguing against any and all strong positions I come across. In addition to driving me crazy, that also keeps me stuck in my head, makes it harder for me to stay present, and can prevent me from moving on from uncomfortable or painful subjects. My mind is incredibly active, so this may not be an issue for you; I hope it isn’t. That warning aside, I still find the contrarian game useful in several ways and I hope you do as well.

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The Difficulty of Giving Good Advice

Posted on November 5, 2019 by admin

At this point, I’m more cautious about giving advice than I’ve ever been before. This doesn’t meant that I never give advice. I’m happy to offer advice if someone asks for it and I can be of help to them. However, when someone tells me they’re going through a hard time, I focus much more on listening to them and being there for them. They usually don’t ask for advice and I almost never ask if they want any. This is mostly due to the fact that when I go through a hard time, I just want to either be left alone or to be comforted and supported by those around me; I usually don’t want advice.

Additionally, I’ve learned that since everyone is different, what works for me may not work for you. I use a lot of deep breathing techniques which help me a lot but might be a bad idea for someone who has trouble breathing. The techniques I’ve developed to address my weaknesses may not work for someone who has different weaknesses than I do. And, since learning styles can vary greatly from one person to another, someone else might benefit more from listening to audiobooks than they would from reading print books, which is my preference. These are some of the many things that made me change my approach to giving advice.

I still use my blog to pass on things I find helpful in case they help someone else. Whenever I do this, I try to keep in mind that some things might only work well for me, which helps me avoid getting upset or discouraged if that happens. I think I’ll always encourage people to try a lot of different things out so they can find what work well for them. That’s been my life for the past year or two: testing all kinds of life hacks, routines, and systems to figure out the best ones for me. I hope everyone does this so they can spend their lives reaping the benefits of continual growth and progress.

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