Be a Seeker

Posted on September 22, 2019 by admin

Perhaps the one thing that has done the most for my personal growth has been my tireless search for knowledge, truth, and life hacks. Being a seeker has pointed me toward countless wonderful resources for improving myself in ways I never thought possible. With nearly any issue I’ve faced, sooner or later I’ve found something that’s given me a potential path to victory. The more places I’ve gone to for information, the better I’ve gotten at improving myself and developing nuanced perspectives that help me understand and navigate the world.

Inspiration can appear anytime, anywhere. I’ve found it in books, songs, movies, TV shows, cartoons, dreams, and conversations with other people. The most seemingly innocuous things can provide me with incredible knowledge and insight if I’m paying attention. Sometimes I’ll realize the profundity of something many years after I first experienced it. Even though it can take a long time before I’m ready to fully understand some things and their implications, I think they still affect me in a positive way even if I’m not consciously aware of them.

Although this is still difficult for me to do at times, I strive to learn with an open mind and try to stay away from proving or disproving my own views. If I’m looking for evidence in favor of something I believe, I’ll find it; the same is true for evidence against things I believe. Whenever I set out to do anything other than learn, I stand a good chance of missing something useful and further entrenching myself in my current perspectives. It’s much more interesting to me (in addition to being much more frightening) to soak up as much information as I can and genuinely consider it even if doing so causes me to change my mind about something I’d once considered to be set in stone. That’s how I’ve grown and freed myself from limiting viewpoints, and it’s gotten easier the more I’ve done it.

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When

Posted on September 21, 2019 by admin

When we feel so alone,

Thank goodness for those who make us feel seen and appreciated.

When we’re “expected” to act a certain way,

Thank goodness for those who let us act how we feel.

When we can’t properly express our feelings,

Thank goodness for those who know what we mean.

When we get stuck thinking about our flaws,

Thank goodness for those who remind us of our strengths.

When we’re our own worst enemies,

Thank goodness for those who act as heroes.

When our lives are full of storms,

Thank goodness for those who bring us some sunshine.

When we have nowhere else to turn,

Thank goodness for those who give us refuge.

When we need a friend,

Thank goodness for those who answer the call.

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The Real Problem

Posted on September 20, 2019 by admin

This is an excerpt from Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. Here, Voss emphasizes that in any disagreement, the real problem is the underlying issue rather than any of the people involved. Focusing on resolving the issue helps everyone keep things civil while working toward a solution, which is why it’s crucial to keep this in mind, especially in tense situations.

Before we move on, I want to emphasize how important it is to maintain a collaborative relationship even when you’re setting boundaries. Your response must always be expressed in the form of strong, yet empathic, limit-setting boundaries – that is, tough love – not as hatred or violence. Anger and other strong emotions can on rare occasions be effective. But only as calculated acts, never a personal attack. in any bare-knuckle bargaining session, the most vital principle to keep in mind is never to look at your counterpart as an enemy.

The person across the table is never the problem. The unsolved issue is. So focus on the issue. This is one of the most basic tactics for avoiding emotional escalations. Our culture demonizes people in movies and politics, which creates the mentality that if we only got rid of the person then everything would be okay. But this dynamic is toxic to any negotiation.

Punching back is a last resort. Before you go there, I always suggest an attempt at de-escalating the situation. Suggest a time-out. When your counterparts step back and take a breath, they’ll no longer feel that they are hostage to a bad situation. They’ll regain a sense of agency and power. And they’ll appreciate you for that.

Think of punching back and boundary-setting tactics as a flattened S-curve: you’ve accelerated up the slope of a negotiation and hit a plateau that requires you to temporarily stop any progress, escalate or de-escalate the issue acting as the obstacle, and eventually bring the relationship back to a state of rapport and get back on the slope. Taking a positive, constructive approach to conflict involves understanding that the bond is fundamental to any resolution. Never create an enemy.

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“What You See Is All There Is”

Posted on September 19, 2019 by admin

In Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman talks about a concept he calls “what you see is all there is”. This involves overestimating the importance or prevalence of whatever is occupying a lot of your attention. When this occurs, your brain creates a narrative based on what you’re focusing on and then reinforces that narrative by finding other things that seemed to prove its validity while ignoring things that seem to disprove it.

You can try this out for yourself whenever you like. If you spend a half an hour or so researching upsetting things, then the world will seem like a horrible place. After you give yourself some time to feel better, spend the same amount of time researching uplifting things and watch how the world now seems like a wonderful place. Even though the world didn’t change when you went from looking at the negative to seeing the positive, your perception of it changed dramatically. The way you see the world varies greatly depending on what you focus on and, equally important, what you ignore.

I find this helpful for reframing myself whenever I’m stuck in a bad mood. Rather than continue dwelling on whatever is dragging me down, I’ll instead focus on things that I find funny, inspirational, calming, or otherwise uplifting. Sometimes this approach takes a while to cheer me up if I’m in a particularly deep funk but it always makes me feel better. Even though I knew hardly anything about psychology until the past few years, I’ve still reframed myself in this manner for most of my life, which is probably why I stayed generally upbeat through some pretty upsetting times. I’m glad to have this life hack available whenever I need it and I hope it helps you if you decide to try it out.

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The Daily Stoic: “Anyone Can Get Lucky, Not Everyone Can Persevere”

Posted on September 18, 2019 by admin

This entry from The Daily Stoic fits in nicely with my own thoughts on perseverance and persistence. I do think I have some natural talent but most of my success at the various things I’ve accomplished has come from relentless practice. The countless hours I’ve put into turning my weaknesses into strengths and taking my strengths to the next level have done more for me than relying solely on my natural abilities ever could.

“Success comes to the lowly and to the poorly talented, but the special characteristic of a great person is to triumph over the disasters and panics of human life.”

-Seneca, On Providence, 4.3

Perhaps you know people who’ve been extraordinarily lucky in life. Maybe they hit the genetic lottery or have skated through classes and careers with ease. Despite never planning, making reckless decisions, jumping from one thing to the next, they’ve somehow survived without a scratch. There’s a saying: “God favors fools.”

It’s natural to be a bit envious of these folks. We want the easy life too – or so we think. But is the easy life really that admirable?

Anyone can get lucky. There’s no skill in being oblivious, and no one would consider that greatness.

On the other hand, the person who perseveres through difficulties, who keeps going when others quit, who makes it to their destination through hard work and honesty? That’s admirable, because their survival was the result of fortitude and resilience, not birthright or circumstance. A person who overcame not just the external obstacles to success but mastered themselves and their emotions along the way? That’s much more impressive. The person who has been dealt a harder hand, understood it, but still triumphed? That’s greatness.

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Overcoming Desire

Posted on September 17, 2019 by admin

Alan Watts talked about how difficult it is to be free from desire. For if you desire to not desire, then desire is still influencing your actions. So how do you overcome desire? I stumbled into one way to do it earlier this year. It’s a bit tricky and not exactly straightforward but I’ll explain it as best as I can.

For the better part of a year, I wanted a certain recurring situation to unfold in a particular way. On the rare occasions in which things worked out like I wanted, I was content for a little while. Whenever I didn’t get my way, however, I’d become extremely disappointed and sulk for a long time afterward. Eventually, this cycle became painful enough that I decided to avoid actively pursuing my desired outcome for that situation. I would merely be an observer unless I were invited to be an active participant; even then, I would think about other things during my participation so as not to become emotionally invested in the situation or its outcome. I also thought negatively for a while about things related to the situation, which I don’t recommend doing even though it did give me some useful detachment when I was in a rough phase of my journey.

This kept me emotionally stable while I still had some remnants of desire related to the outcome of that situation. Once I had been doing this for a while, however, I lost my attachment to any particular outcome. No matter how that situation unfolded, I was as content at the end as I was at the beginning. Additionally, I wasn’t desiring to be unattached or indifferent in that situation; I was simply free from desire altogether. After I had gotten used to being free from desire in that situation, it became possible for me to remove my desire for particular outcomes in other, simpler situations as well. This is how I approach many of my interactions now. Whenever I do this, I always feel a great deal of freedom to say and do whatever feels natural since I’m not trying to bring about any particular end goal. I’m not trying to do anything other than be myself when I’m in the present moment and have no attachment to any particular outcome.

With all of this in mind, I don’t meant to imply that I have no desire whatsoever or that I don’t care about anything. I still care greatly about my friends, my hobbies, and everything else that’s close to my heart. Further, there are absolutely situations in which caring about the outcome is critical, such as in life-or-death situations. More often than not in my own life, however, accepting whatever happens is by far the best way to go. I’ve found that my interactions with other people improve when neither of us feel pressured to behave in any certain way. Living in the moment instead of thinking ahead to possible outcomes creates a great deal of relaxed space in which we can both behave based on how we feel rather than on how we think we’re expected to behave. I hope all of this makes sense and helps you if you decide to try it out. It will be difficult for a while but just keep at it and eventually you’ll find that it’s well worth the effort.

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Perseverance and Persistence

Posted on September 16, 2019 by admin

Sometimes it takes a lot of patience and persistence before the results you’re looking for begin to appear. Changing the habits around your thought processes, actions, and words can be a slow, gradual process. But if you stick with something long enough, then you will start making progress toward where you want to be. Inspiration, answers, and results often come just when all seems lost. You just have to trust that you’ll find what you seek as long as you keep moving toward it.

If it feels like you’re going nowhere fast, then think back to some of your past victories. As vividly as you can, recall memories of things you accomplished, especially things you thought you’d never complete. Try to see those things from the perspective of your past self; you kept going despite the difficulty because you believed you’d eventually get there, and when you did, you were over the moon with excitement and satisfaction. Spend as much time in those memories as you need before coming back to the present and using the motivation from that trip down memory lane to continue working on your current goals.

All of this has gradually gotten easier for me since I’ve learned a lot of different things over time. Now, when I’m faced with a difficult task, I’m in a much better position to break it down into smaller tasks and steadily work on them bit by bit until I’ve conquered them. I still deal with fear at times but I’ve also gotten better at pushing past the fear and not letting it stop me. If I can do this stuff, then so can anyone else, and I wish you all the best on your journey.

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Perspectives and Understanding

Posted on September 15, 2019 by admin

Everyone is working from their own perspective and level of understanding. Although many people share similar viewpoints, each person still adds their own experiences, thought processes, and values to their particular viewpoint, meaning that no two viewpoints are identical. And no matter how much anyone learns about the world around them, their worldview will always be subjective rather than objective.

This is often difficult for me to remember, especially when my emotions are running rampant. It’s easy for me to see something that I greatly disagree with and think badly of whoever holds that view. What helps me avoid doing this is reminding myself that I’m also looking at things through a number of different filters based on my past, my dreams, my habits, and my mental wiring. It’s hard to fault someone for their views when I keep in mind that I’m in the same boat as them with regards to how we see the world.

When I do this, it becomes much easier for me to relax, listen to someone else’s perspective, and put myself in their position as best as I can. I also find it helpful to argue in favor of perspectives with which I disagree; I always try to make the best cases for them that I can whenever I do this. That’s an excellent trick for seeing things from another person’s point of view, developing empathy for other people, and enriching my own thought processes. I try to remind myself of all of this whenever I’m feeling frustrated and stuck in my head. It doesn’t always work, but much of the time it helps open me up to other ways of thinking that I miss when I’m too focused on my own thoughts.

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The Daily Stoic: “Pillage from All Sources”

Posted on September 14, 2019 by admin

I really like this entry from The Daily Stoic since it nicely describes my approach for most of my life and the past few years in particular. If I find some useful information, I’ll add it to my knowledge base regardless of the source. I’m happy to learn from just about anybody who has knowledge or wisdom to share even if they’re not one of my usual sources of information. This has allowed me to learn a lot of stuff about a wide range of subjects and understand a variety of different perspectives, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I’ll never be ashamed to quote a bad writer with a good saying.”

-Seneca, On Tranquility of Mind, 11.8

One of the striking things about Seneca’s letters and essays is how often he quotes the philosopher Epicurus. Why is that strange? Because Stoicism and Epicureanism are supposed to be diametrically opposed philosophies! (In reality the differences while significant tend to be overblown.)

But this is true to form for Seneca. He was looking for wisdom, period. It didn’t matter where it came from. This is something that a lot of fundamentalists – in religion, philosophy, anything – seem to miss. Who cares whether some bit of wisdom is from a Stoic, who cares whether it perfectly jibes with Stoicism? What matters is whether it makes your life better, whether it makes you better.

What wisdom or help would you be able to find today if you stopped caring about affiliations and reputations? How much more could you see if you just focused on merit?

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10 Questions

Posted on September 13, 2019 by admin

I think of these questions, or some variant of them, regularly as a way to see if I’m moving in a good direction in life. Normally they stay at a more subconscious level but occasionally they rise to the surface of my consciousness. If I dislike the answer I give for any of them, I try to go easy on myself as I work on figuring out a plan to change the answer into one that I like better. Contemplating these questions has helped me a lot and I hope they help you as well.

  1. If you could succeed at anything you tried, what would you pursue?
  2. What would you do with your time if you could spend it any way you wanted?
  3. Who do you most enjoy being around?
  4. What is your greatest dream?
  5. What would you do if you could afford anything you wanted?
  6. What are three things that are holding you back?
  7. Are you spending time around people who lift you up?
  8. Who are three people who’ve helped you succeed and grow?
  9. Are you showing love to yourself?
  10. What simple changes can you make to get closer to where you want to be in life?
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