Responsibility in Communication

Posted on December 15, 2019 by admin

Perspectives vary greatly from one person to the next on where the responsibility rests in messaging and communication. Some people put the responsibility on the shoulders of the messenger. They say that the messenger must craft a message in a way that is understandable, appreciable, and applicable to the listeners and, if the listeners don’t get it, then it’s the fault of the messenger. Other people would turn that on its head by saying that it’s not the messenger’s fault if the listeners don’t get the message; you can have the best message in the world, crafted and delivered in the best way possible, and some people still aren’t going to get it.

As for me, I think the right answer is somewhere in between. I do my best to communicate in such a way that the listener understands what I’m saying and I will clarify as best as I can if they are confused. Most people I talk to understand what I’m saying by the second or third time if they don’t get it after the first time. However, there are some people who just aren’t interested in hearing what I have to say. I try out a few different approaches with those people until I realize that they don’t care, at which point I move on. No matter how well I’ve worded and delivered my message, some people are never going to get it because they don’t want to get it.

For the most part, though, I take the Extreme Ownership mentality: if someone doesn’t understand me, it’s my responsibility to go back and clarify again and again until they understand. That way I’m not blaming them or getting frustrated at them and I’m looking at things I can control (my ability to speak and word a message) instead of things I can’t control (their ability to listen and understand). I also don’t get frustrated at myself with this mindset. If one of my approaches doesn’t work, I simply try other approaches until one does work, and I make a mental note of how it went so I can do better next time. Other people almost always understand what I’m saying after a few attempts, but if I’ve made a dozen or more attempts and have still gotten nowhere, then I start thinking that this person doesn’t want to understand me, so why continue wasting my breath? That’s my take on responsibility for understanding in communication. I think it’s the messenger’s responsibility in most cases, but when the messenger has done all they can to be understood, then it becomes the responsibility of the listener. I do think, though, that it’s always the messenger’s responsibility to figure out who wants to understand and who doesn’t. I hope this has been helpful and I’ll see you in the next post.

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Emotions and Logic: A Perfect Match

Posted on December 14, 2019 by admin

Where’s the logic in a piece of art that makes your heart soar, whether it’s a song, book, movie, painting, sculpture, performance, or any other kind of art? There is no logic there. Art isn’t supposed to be logical; it’s supposed to make you feel something. There is a time and place for logic. If you want to travel to the moon, then logic (along with facts and reason) will help you get there. But if you want to stand on Earth and gaze up at the moon, marveling at its beauty and wonder, then all the logic in the world isn’t going to help you. That’s squarely within the domain of emotions and feelings.

Logic and emotions both have their place; one can’t act as a substitute for the other even though some people wish that could be the case. Some think that our intellect and our logic separate us from animals, but that’s not so. Animals use intelligence and logic all the time. They use tools to help them do more than they can by themselves (such as apes who use sticks to gather and eat termites), develop complex societies (such as ant colonies), and communicate with each other (such as bees who use dances to communicate with each other about flowers they’ve found, including how far away the flowers are from the hive). There is a lot of logic, complexity, reasoning, structure, and order in the animal kingdom, so the fact that we as humans have all of that doesn’t separate us from animals. However, our emotions and our feelings do separate us from machines, and I hope we never lose that separation as machines become more commonplace both around us and within our bodies.

I used to place a ton of emphasis on logic, reason, and consistency. I thought that I could be completely consistent in my thinking and figure out any number of things without invoking emotion. Looking back, I now realize that my emotions were always present underneath my thought processes, quietly influencing my decisions without my being aware of it. Now I’m enjoying exploring my inner emotional life and learning how this all works from my experiences as well as through books. I’ve learned that emotions can’t be overridden or eliminated with logic. Attempting to do so will only cause the emotions to manifest in other ways, such as pain, disease, anxiety, depression, difficulty interacting with other people, etc. Emotions have something to teach us, so they should be fully felt and experienced. Additionally, emotions and logic can and should complement each other. You can use your emotions to figure out the kind of life you want to live and the kind of world you want to live in and then use logic and reason to figure out how to get there. I feel like I’m at my best when my emotions and logic work together like this as opposed to when I’m running purely on emotion with no logic or purely on logic with no emotion. Like so much else in life, it’s a balancing act, and finding the sweet spot makes all the difference.

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Bubbles and the Inner World

Posted on December 13, 2019 by admin

Even though we all live in the same outer world, everyone still lives in their own inner world; everyone has their own little bubble, if you like. That inner world is shaped by the way they’re wired, their experiences growing up, their life journey thus far, their interests, and so on. Two people who are living in the same area, maybe even interacting with each other or at least seeing each other regularly, can still have very different ideas about the world they live in, the way it’s going, and the way they want to see it go. That can result in a lot of miscommunications, misunderstandings, and altercations if they don’t realize that they’re seeing the world from their own perspectives without taking each other’s perspectives into account. Even if they realize that they’re seeing the same thing from two different perspectives, they don’t know why that is, which makes it very easy for one person to think badly of the other or for both of them to do that. If they took the time to get to know each other and find out why they see things the way they do, then they’d probably have much more respect for each other and be inclined to treat each other better.

That’s why it’s so important to start from the beginning instead of the end (as Simon Sinek talks about in Start With Why). Starting from “We disagree” as opposed to finding out what kind of life the other person has had and what has brought them to see things the way they do is a recipe for disaster. If you listen to someone else’s story, they’ll probably be willing to hear your story and learn why you see things the way you do. From there, you’ll likely find that neither of you want bad things to happen and for people to be worse off than they are; you both want good things to happen and for people to be better off even though you may disagree on how to best make that happen.

So go with someone into their bubble and see what it’s like in there. Spend some time with them and get to know them. If you do that, then you can open up your own bubble to them and invite them in so they can do the same with you. Neither of your bubbles will pop or merge to become one big bubble, but theirs might take on a few of your characteristics and yours might get some of theirs. You’ll both be better off for that interaction and will both have a little window into how someone else sees the world.

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Sadhguru and Recent Realizations

Posted on December 12, 2019 by admin

I had a few major realizations while listening to this Sadhguru video on my way home from work today. The first one had to do with the frustration and even anger that I frequently feel during rush hour. In addition to taking to heart Sadhguru’s points about how getting angry harms me while also being a poor way to get things done, I started thinking about why I feel so much hostility in heavy traffic. Part of it has to do with other drivers who don’t let me merge or try to bully me around on the road, but another element is the feeling of wanting to be somewhere other than where I am instead of focusing on the present moment. I don’t know why I feel the need to rush and get where I’m going as quickly as possible; maybe I’m unintentionally mirroring the actions those around me who adopt that mindset when they drive. Whatever the reason, there’s no need for me to rush as I’ll get where I’m going when I get there. There may be difficulties along the way, such as some drivers not letting me merge exactly when I want to, and so what? That won’t stop me from reaching my destination; all it will do is make the journey less pleasant. This higher mindset helped me avoid anger and frustration on my drive without feeling like I was suppressing anything. I felt a deep sense of peace and everything seemed still and quiet around me, which was wonderful.

The second realization concerned my understanding of other people. I’ve learned a lot about myself since I started my self-improvement journey. I’m regularly getting major insights about why I act the way I do and what I can do to change those actions if I like. It seems like the more I learn, the more I understand how little I know about myself. So if I’m still getting to know myself after a few years of deep study and many more years of regular living, how can I expect to fully understand people I’ve only recently met or have seen briefly without ever interacting with them? I’m capable of giving myself great compassion and empathy when I know the underlying reasons for my behavior, so why not extend those same gestures to other people whom I don’t know nearly as well as myself?

Although I only became consciously aware of these realizations today, I think they’ve been in my subconscious for a while now. I’ve noticed that I’m more inclined to show kindness to other drivers in a number of ways. Additionally, I feel like I’m focusing more on listening to other people and holding space for them without trying to think of a response while they speak or rush in with potential solutions to their problems. The many spiritual videos I’ve watched lately from Sadhguru and other inspirational people have probably made it easier for me to get along with others. At the very least, they’ve been incredibly enlightening and enjoyable to watch. I hope this makes sense and proves valuable to you in some way, and I will see you in the next post.

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Changing My Gym Routine

Posted on December 11, 2019 by admin

Recently, I decided to overhaul my gym routine. I had been pushing myself too hard and too fast at the gym for too long and my progress had ground to a halt. While I’m still focusing on the same exercises, I’m backing off quite a bit in the intensity. That, in addition to changing my gym days so that I’d have more time to work out, means that I’ve missed a lot of workouts lately. I went to the gym today just to get back in the habit of going their regularly and to burn off some extra energy to help me sleep better.

I’m doing way less weight for many more reps than I did before, so my gym trips hardly feel like a workout at this point. But I know from experience, both in the gym and elsewhere in life, that sometimes I have to take several steps backward before I can begin to take even a few small steps forward. As I get used to doing more reps with the lighter weight, I’ll steadily increase the intensity in the hopes of bursting through my previous sticking points in the coming months.

Since I first started going to the gym in 2014, I’ve made a ton of mistakes and learned a lot from them. Earlier this year, I learned how to keep myself on a consistent gym schedule even after coming back from trips or on days in which I didn’t feel like working out. Something else that I learned years ago is that whenever I get impatient and try to progress too quickly, I always end up stalling and having to make major resets. I hope I’ve experienced that lesson enough at this point to find a good gym routine and stick with it so that I can gradually get stronger instead of going up and down in strength like I’ve done for years now. I always do better when I patiently stick to a solid routine at my job, at home, and everywhere else in my life, so I’m looking forward to trying this out at the gym and seeing what it does for me.

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Separation and Oneness

Posted on December 10, 2019 by admin

Sometimes I get disheartened by the small acts of cruelty or indifference that I see on a regular basis. Whether it’s drivers cutting each other off or not letting each other merge, customers being rude to servers, people who consistently show up late to their appointments, or shoppers who leave their carts all over the parking lot and make employees retrieve them because they don’t feel like putting them back, this stuff can wear me down if I dwell on it. I see all of that as stemming from the feeling of separateness that is so common in many cultures. That feeling makes it easier for people to be cruel to one another, either by directly harming somebody else or ignoring them when they need help.

When people feel separate from each other, it makes them less likely to care about the consequences of their actions, such as making others late for important events, making life even harder for those who are already going through a difficult time, and generally causing problems instead of making things run smoothly. Every time they run roughshod over others without facing any consequences for doing so, they are incentivized to continue acting in this manner. Not surprisingly, the people who act this way appear to be miserable. While they may think that their actions don’t come back to haunt them, they are actually harming themselves by being cruel and indifferent to others. In addition to building up negativity energy within themselves, they’re also programming themselves to think, act, and speak in particular ways and to expect that same behavior from other people. Accordingly, they go out expecting to find problems, find them everywhere, react negatively, and repeat this cycle indefinitely, causing pain to themselves and those around them with each iteration.

I think the solution to this is to cultivate a feeling of oneness by reminding ourselves what we all share: we all can and do suffer, we’re all spiritual beings having a human experience, and we all want to feel whole. Further, I think we’d all benefit from having more meaningful interactions with each other through mutual aid, charitable outreach, outdoor festivals and social gatherings, and other similar chances to form solid bonds. That could go a long way to bring down many of the harmful societal walls that have been in place for generations. I’d also like to see major changes in society and culture that make clear how we all depend on each other; right now the fact of our interdependence is often hidden, much to the detriment of us all. Even though independence and self-sufficiency have their advantages, they can also force people into loneliness and isolation and make the ground fertile for strained relations and other kinds of social dysfunction. For now, just focusing on the things that unite us helps me treat others with more kindness and understanding, so that’s a good place to start. Take care, everyone.

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Lessons from Sleeping In

Posted on December 9, 2019 by admin

Yesterday turned out quite differently than I thought it would. Although I set my alarm for 11 am, either it didn’t go off or I didn’t hear it and I ended up sleeping in until 1 pm. I was shocked when I saw the time; I got up right away and started doing some of my usual activities. I was frustrated at having much less time than I had anticipated and sulked for a bit. After breakfast, my mood leveled out and I continued accomplishing my tasks while also taking some time to relax and enjoy the day. I managed to get everything done, went out dancing, and then headed to bed.

Throughout yesterday and today, I got some insights about what happened. Since I’ve been feeling sick lately, I realized that I probably needed the extra sleep; I did feel refreshed when I woke up, so I think it helped. I think that having less time to do the stuff I had in mind made me more determined to make it count. Yesterday was a good reminder that it’s not how much time you have, it’s what you do with it that matters. And I still enjoyed having a day off of work and a good bit of time to myself to spend as I liked, so I’m content with how everything worked out.

One of the lessons I learned from yesterday was the importance of redundancy. I still don’t know what happened with my alarm yesterday so last night I set multiple alarms on my phone and one on the alarm clock on my dresser (that I hadn’t used in years) so I’d be sure to wake up in time for work. Sure enough, the first alarm on my phone woke me up and got my day off to a good start. Today was very different than yesterday but they both contained a lot of good stuff and I’m grateful for the quiet moments they gave me to reflect on what happened and find the valuable lessons they brought with them.

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The Daily Stoic: “Don’t Hide from Your Feelings”

Posted on December 8, 2019 by admin

Several entries in The Daily Stoic come across to me as dismissive of unwanted or difficult emotions but this one does not. This entry highlights the importance of feeling everything and working through it rather than trying to suppress or repress anything. I’ve focused a good bit on working through my thoughts, feelings, and emotions this year, so I loved reading this entry earlier today. I also like what it says about finding the positive as I think any situation can contain a valuable lesson, even the difficult ones. The only point of disagreement I have is the recommendation to immediately work through whatever you’re feeling. In some situations, I feel like I need a bit of time before I can appropriately address my emotions; sometimes immediate action feels too painful or counterproductive, so I’ll sit with myself for a bit until I’m in a better state of mind. Maybe I’ll need less of that later on in my journey, but for now, I always give myself that time when I feel I need it. Still, this is a solid entry from The Daily Stoic and one of my personal favorites that I’ve read thus far, and I hope it brings value to your life.

“It’s better to conquer grief than to deceive it.”

-Seneca, On Consolation to Helvia, 17.1b

We’ve all lost people we were close to – a friend, a colleague, a parent, a grandparent. While we were suffering from our grief, some well-meaning person did their best to take our mind off it or make us think about something else for a couple hours. However kind, these gestures are misguided.

The Stoics are stereotyped as suppressing their emotions, but their philosophy was actually intended to teach us to face, process, and deal with emotions immediately instead of running from them. Tempting as it is to deceive yourself or hide from a powerful emotion like grief – by telling yourself and other people that you’re fine – awareness and understanding are better. Distraction might be pleasant in the short term – by going to gladiatorial games, as a Roman might have done, for example. Focusing is better in the long term.

That means facing it now. Process and parse what you are feeling. Remove your expectations, your entitlements, your sense of having been wronged. Find the positive in the situation, but also sit with your pain and accept it, remembering that it is a part of life. That’s how one conquers grief.

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Stories and Dancing

Posted on December 7, 2019 by admin

Kurt Vonnegut has a fascinating lecture about the shapes of stories. He goes through several examples of the rises, falls, and good and bad fortune that characters in stories can experience before looking at a story that has a very different structure. Vonnegut uses Hamlet as an example of a story in which things happen without it being clear whether what happens is good or bad. Vonnegut claims that, unlike most other stories, Hamlet tells us the truth: we don’t know enough about life to be able to tell the good news from the bad news. However, he still maintains that we can (and should) notice when we’re happy and appreciate the nice things that we experience.

This reminds me of Alan Watt’s story of the Chinese farmer, which Watts uses to illustrate how we never know what the consequences of good fortune or bad fortune will be. That notion further connects to what Watts has said about life being like a dance; the purpose isn’t to get to a particular place on the dance floor but to enjoy every step along the way, and the same is true of life. So putting these ideas together would result in getting out of the stories that we all tell ourselves and enjoying the dance while it’s happening.

These concepts are fairly new to me so I’m still turning them over in my head. They’ve given me a lot of great stuff to think about and I’m sure I’ll get more out of them over time. For now, I’ve realized how much I look at my own life as a story with the typical rises, falls, and shapes that many stories have. I’ve also been thinking lately about how much my perceptions of life and the things I value in it have changed over time, which fits in nicely with what both Vonnegut and Watts say about good news and bad news. I’m going to try maintaining this perspective for a while and see what it does for me. If I can remember to do so, I’ll let you know what happens. Until next time, take care and enjoy the dance.

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Detachment and Stress

Posted on December 6, 2019 by admin

Sometimes I find it easier to detach from unwanted emotions when I’m in a bad mood. When everything has been going smoothly for me, I still sometimes start expecting things to start going downhill, which can make it difficult to enjoy the nice things in life. After a rough day or a few rough days, I start getting desensitized to the thought of my situation getting worse. In that state of mind, I usually think “This might turn out badly; I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it” and then forget about it until much later. It feels like I’ve used so much energy stressing over whatever’s already happened that I don’t have enough left to worry about what might happen. Oddly, that actually helps me avoid getting more stressed out once I’ve hit my limit, although the path leading up to that limit is still difficult and unpleasant. It’d be nice if I could figure out how to consistently detach in unpleasant situations without first going through a ton of stress.

I also typically remember to be present, practice breath work, and make use of other life hacks when I’m stressed. I can easily forget to use them when I’m feeling good and going through an easy season but I always remember to use them in difficult times. Although I’d probably be better off if I used them regularly and made them into habits, I’m glad that I use them when I need them the most.

This is one of those rare posts in which I don’t have any real take-home point or closing lesson. These are just a few things I’ve noticed in myself as of late and thought that someone else might resonate with them. Maybe my next post will be more like my usual ones with a strong point. Guess we’ll find out. Until then, I hope you’re doing well, I’m glad that I’m doing better than I was earlier this week, and I will see you next time.

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