Just Relax

Posted on November 8, 2019 by admin

Being able to relax in difficult situations makes them much easier to handle. I started thinking about this on two separate occasions earlier in the week. The first situation took place in the shower. Whenever I take a cold shower, I brace myself for the initial hit and then try to relax as quickly as possible. Staying calm and breathing through it helps me get used to the temperature so that, after a minute or two, I can stand comfortably under the water and enjoy the cold. By the end, I barely even notice the temperature and I’m not shivering or uncomfortable at all. This allows me to enjoy cold showers and reap the physical and mental benefits they provide.

The second situation occurred at my job. I talked to a customer over the phone about something that had the potential to become contentious but, fortunately, it never did. In addition to the customer being a pretty easygoing person, I also used some things I learned from Never Split the Difference. Aside from keeping myself calm and maintaining a friendly voice, I gave the customer plenty of space to talk about their side of the matter without interrupting or disputing them. I also kept in mind that the problem wasn’t the customer, it was the underlying situation; that made it easier to treat the customer with kindness and respect as we both worked to resolve the situation. Lastly, when I paused to check something on the computer, I let them know what I was doing and used that bit of quiet time to think about what I would say next.

I’m still working on relaxing in as many situations as possible. Right now I manage to do it some of the time but not as much as I’d like. Seeing how much better I feel when I successfully accomplish it motivates me to keep working on it and thinking about how I’ve slowly gotten better at this over time gives me hope that I’ll continue improving as I go. What helps you relax in difficult situations? I’d love to hear from you about your experiences with this, so leave a comment if you like and I’ll see you in the next post.

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Gentle Guidance

Posted on November 7, 2019 by admin

This is a wonderful short story from How to Win Friends and Influence People. It does a great job showing how the power of gentle guidance and kindness works much better than force and brutality. I’ve been thinking of this a lot lately and I hope that its message of peace catches on. Without further ado, here it is:

“For example: one day Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son tried to get a calf into the barn. But they made the common mistake of thinking only of what they wanted: Emerson pushed and his son pulled. But the calf was doing just what they were doing; he was thinking only of what he wanted; so he stiffened his legs and stubbornly refused to leave the pasture. The Irish housemaid saw their predicament. She couldn’t write essays and books; but, on this occasion at least, she had more horse sense, or calf sense, than Emerson had. She thought of what the calf wanted; so she put her maternal finger in the calf’s mouth and let the calf suck her finger as she gently led him into the barn.”

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The Contrarian Game

Posted on November 6, 2019 by admin

Something I’ve found useful for avoiding the ideology trap is playing the contrarian game. This simply involves arguing against whatever opinions I come across or think about even if I happen to agree with them. Doing so forces me to see more than one side of a subject and makes me consider things that I’d have otherwise ignored. It also increases my empathy for other people as it gives me a better understanding of how they think and why they’ve adopted their chosen opinions. If I get to this point with any given opinion, I’ve “won” and feel much better than I did beforehand.

While this is fairly easy to do with the opinions of others, it’s often quite difficult to do this with my own opinions. I don’t like to be wrong and this approach often shows me where I’ve made a mistake with my thinking. However, it allows me to test things, find out what works and what doesn’t, and make the necessary changes. That makes it worth the trouble and the pain that sometimes goes along with this process. I can lessen some of that pain by detaching from my positions (such as thinking of them as merely positions rather than calling them my positions) and just observing them without trying to cling to them or justify them to myself. Playing the contrarian game then becomes much easier and much more enjoyable.

If you decide to try the contrarian game for yourself, be careful with it. It’s easy for me to get carried away and end up automatically arguing against any and all strong positions I come across. In addition to driving me crazy, that also keeps me stuck in my head, makes it harder for me to stay present, and can prevent me from moving on from uncomfortable or painful subjects. My mind is incredibly active, so this may not be an issue for you; I hope it isn’t. That warning aside, I still find the contrarian game useful in several ways and I hope you do as well.

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The Difficulty of Giving Good Advice

Posted on November 5, 2019 by admin

At this point, I’m more cautious about giving advice than I’ve ever been before. This doesn’t meant that I never give advice. I’m happy to offer advice if someone asks for it and I can be of help to them. However, when someone tells me they’re going through a hard time, I focus much more on listening to them and being there for them. They usually don’t ask for advice and I almost never ask if they want any. This is mostly due to the fact that when I go through a hard time, I just want to either be left alone or to be comforted and supported by those around me; I usually don’t want advice.

Additionally, I’ve learned that since everyone is different, what works for me may not work for you. I use a lot of deep breathing techniques which help me a lot but might be a bad idea for someone who has trouble breathing. The techniques I’ve developed to address my weaknesses may not work for someone who has different weaknesses than I do. And, since learning styles can vary greatly from one person to another, someone else might benefit more from listening to audiobooks than they would from reading print books, which is my preference. These are some of the many things that made me change my approach to giving advice.

I still use my blog to pass on things I find helpful in case they help someone else. Whenever I do this, I try to keep in mind that some things might only work well for me, which helps me avoid getting upset or discouraged if that happens. I think I’ll always encourage people to try a lot of different things out so they can find what work well for them. That’s been my life for the past year or two: testing all kinds of life hacks, routines, and systems to figure out the best ones for me. I hope everyone does this so they can spend their lives reaping the benefits of continual growth and progress.

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Acting Intentionally Instead of Automatically

Posted on November 4, 2019 by admin

Daylight saving time has got me thinking about how powerful forces outside ourselves can be. Most people I talk to regularly never say anything about daylight saving time and it hardly ever crosses my mind except when the clocks change. And yet it still happens twice a year with little to no real opposition, as if it were a fact of life (which it’s not since many countries don’t observe it and even a few US states have nothing to do with it). This isn’t the only thing that lots of people go along with automatically.

It’s easy to act in an automatic and reactionary manner. Culture, history, tradition, and expectations from your close circles exert a lot of pressure on you to act a certain way. That’s why there is much freedom in being able to act intentionally and proactively by being aware of your behavior and changing it if you’re dissatisfied with it. For example, some people strongly value certain traditions while others actively oppose them. I’m somewhere in between. While I certainly appreciate some traditions in my life (such as watching holiday movies and specials), I enjoy them for reasons other than the simple fact that they’re traditions. With any kind of tradition, I think it’s important to examine it and decide whether or not it’s worth doing. That way you can avoid becoming stuck in a routine or ritual that you’d rather avoid.

I hope this is coming across as I intended it to. I’m not trying to bash any of this stuff. If you’re familiar with some of my past posts on habits, you’ll know what I think about them. Good habits are incredibly useful and indispensable for effective living, but bad habits can be inefficient at best and disastrous at worst. That’s why I try to check in with myself once in a while to make sure that my habits are solid; if I see room for improvement, I’ll make improvements where I can. I want to be very intentional with how I live my life and a great way to do that is by building habits and routines around things that are worth doing. I’ve learned a lot about how to do this and I’m getting a little better at it every day.

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Stephen Covey: A Paradigm Shift

Posted on November 3, 2019 by admin

This is a story that Stephen Covey uses in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to demonstrate the power of paradigm shifts. Notice that nothing changes in the story except Covey’s perception on the situation; that one change made all the difference. I think about this occasionally when I see people who seem upset or angry. It’s true that we never know what most people around us are going through and how they may be hurting. A little kindness goes a long way. Without further ado, here is Covey’s story:

I remember a mini-paradigm shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly – some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.

Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh I’m so sorry! Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.

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Good Communication: The Way Forward

Posted on November 2, 2019 by admin

Sometimes I feel like a broken record on this blog. There are a few subjects that I regularly write about, sometimes from different angles but often from the same angles. Communication is one of those subjects. I’m sure I’ve said the same things about communication in at least half a dozen posts. That’s because I see communication as one of the most important subjects there is: capable of doing so much good when used properly and responsible for so much harm when used poorly. I’ve seen both of these outcomes firsthand many times, which is why I’ve spent so much time working to improve my communication skills and striving to overcome the habits that have been in place for most of my life. Although I’m no communication expert, I still pass on what I’ve learned in the hopes that it will help others who also want to improve.

I grow weary from seeing so many people talk at or past each other. That seems so unnecessary and counterproductive to me. However, I can’t say that I don’t understand why it happens. I spent a lot of my free time for several years arguing with people online and trying to pound my point of view into their heads. Looking back on that time serves as a reminder to both keep my priorities in check and to be careful with my words. I almost feel like I had to go through that experience to get it out of my system and learn why it’s not worth it. Plus it showed me how formulaic and predictable exchanges can be, which has come in handy in some ways.

So many exchanges would benefit tremendously if everyone involved avoided using overly-simplistic rhetoric that serves to obscure understanding rather than facilitate it. Failing that, it would still help a lot if more people put aside the urge to be right, sought to understand each other, and looked past the rhetoric to see what is actually being said. Nobody has to agree with someone in order to understand them and their positions; all it takes is a willingness to learn how they see the world. And there’s nothing wrong with saying “I don’t know” or “I may be wrong”. In fact, the willingness to say both of those statements is how meaningful connections are made and growth occurs.

Meeting negativity with more negativity only makes matters worse and prevents us from living in a much better, kinder world. To get there requires understanding, empathy, and love. That’s what will allow us to put aside our differences, see our many similarities, and work together to solve whatever problems arise along the way. Daryl Davis has figured this out and gotten it down to a science. Plenty of other people have shared their communication secrets through books, speeches, articles, and videos. They’re well worth checking out and, if used properly, they can change the world for the better. I’ve studied a lot of them and worked to incorporate them into my everyday exchanges, and they’ve made all the difference. We all have the ability to choose our words carefully and, in so doing, make a little progress toward a better future. Or we can continue repeating the same mistakes that have been passed down through the ages and remain trapped in darkness. I know which course I’m going to take. How about you?

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Efficient Time Management

Posted on November 1, 2019 by admin

For at least the last week, I had been meaning to write about something related to my work but I kept putting it off, saying “I’ll do it later.” However, when “later” arrived, I continued delaying getting started. This morning, I finally sat down after breakfast and got to work. I knew that if I never started it, I’d never finish it. So, even though I merely intended to start it, I nearly completed it in one go. There are a few things to add or tweak but most of it is done, and it took far less time than I’d thought it would.

I think the idea that that writing task would be difficult and take a long time is what kept me from doing for so long. There are some days in which I have little free time and others in which I have all the time in the world. I’ve noticed that when I have more time, I take a super leisurely approach to all my tasks and prioritize pleasure over productivity, almost as if I’m trying to make up for the days in which I have to be on point with my time management. Therefore, if I have the choice to either write about my job or play a video game, I tend to go for the latter option. This can occasionally get out of hand as, on some days, I’ll either get hardly anything meaningful done or I won’t start until shortly before going to bed.

Fortunately, my current life situation allows me to strike a better balance between productivity and pleasure than I’ve had for most of the last few years. In addition to changing jobs and making some important decisions about my approach to life, I’ve also had enough time to practice the time management lessons I’ve learned that they have become almost second nature to me. It’s now fairly easy for me to figure out how to complete important tasks quickly and efficiently so that I have plenty of time to relax and do more of the things I’d rather do. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is how I got good at managing my time and I highly recommend you check it out if you’re interested in learning more about this. Stephen Covey had a gift for explaining complicated subjects in plain English, so you’ll get a lot out of the book after just one reading. That’s all I’ve got for now, so take care and I’ll talk to you next time.

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Some of My Thoughts on Projection

Posted on October 31, 2019 by admin

There’s a simple exercise I’ve heard of for finding your shadow. Simply write on a piece of paper everything you dislike seeing in other people and then put your name at the top; that’s your shadow. Although I’ve done this as a thought experiment, I’d like to actually go through with it and see what I learn about myself. For now, though, I want to talk about projection, or seeing in other people what we dislike about ourselves.

I’ve been familiar with the concept of projection for a while now but I’ve only recently started seriously contemplating it. It makes a lot of sense to me. For example, if I’m getting upset at someone for being short-tempered, then am I not also allowing anger to control me? Yet it’s so much easier to see a particular behavior in someone else than it is to see it in myself. Additionally, I don’t know what set off the other person, but I know that I’m getting upset merely because they are. It’s entirely possible that their fuse is longer than mine and that they are showing more control of their emotions than I am. Either way, since I can’t make anyone else change their behavior, it’d be better for me to focus more on what I do and less on what anyone else does. I have at least some degree of control over my behavior and, I think, I’m steadily gaining more control as I work on self-improvement.

Noticing what I dislike in other people can be beneficial if I’m clever about it. It gives me an opportunity to pause and examine myself to see if there is something about myself that I can change. Once I do that, I can easily let go of whatever thoughts, emotions, or feelings are attached to the people around me and be at peace. The initial part of the process takes either a great deal of awareness of my own actions or a lot of love and understanding for other people (or both). Fortunately, as with everything else, this gets easier the more I do it. And, as I get better at it, it provides me with an increasing amount of peace and freedom, which makes all of this well worth the effort.

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Right Where I Need to Be

Posted on October 30, 2019 by admin

I can be pretty impatient with almost anything, especially self-improvement. Sometimes I’ll feel like I’m making no progress at all or actually regressing despite everything I’ve learned. What helps me during those moments is to think about moments of serendipity in my life. For example, the fact that I got Letting Go near the start of my most difficult season this year was a huge sign for me. It told me that, at this point, I can focus more on practicing what I know instead of always being on the lookout for the next big thing (although it’s still fine to learn new stuff as long as I don’t let that prevent me from using what I’ve already learned).

The farther along I get on this journey, the more I realize that part of the process is being patient and knowing that I’ll get to work on things when I’m ready for them. A common saying is that we learn to crawl before we learn to run, but there’s an example from my own life that resonates more strongly with me. The first time I tried to juggle while unicycling earlier this year, I managed to get it after a handful of attempts. However, that one successful attempt was years in the making. First I had to learn how to juggle, then I had to get good enough at juggling that I can keep the pattern going while focusing on other things (such as swing dancing, eating, or doing acroyoga. After that, I had to get good enough at unicycling that I could even attempt to juggle while going for a ride. A lot of practice went into learning each skill before I could even hope to combine them successfully; when I was ready to try them both together, it was fairly easy. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would have been if I had tried doing both at once before I had a decent grip on either of them, so I’m glad I waited as long as I did.

There is great value in having information in mind so that I’m prepared to use it when the moment arrives. I don’t think I’d have gotten nearly as much out of floating as I have if I hadn’t been meditating regularly, reading great books, and generally committed to self-improvement well before my first float. Being familiar with analyzing myself, watching my thoughts, and looking for ways to improve myself allowed floating to be an incredibly useful tool that has given me so many wonderful things and I’m glad I was well-prepared for it. So the next time I feel like I’m stuck in a rut or backsliding, I’m going to remind myself that I’m right where I need to be and, when I’m ready, I’ll be able to move forward once again. Sometimes moving forward requires taking one or more steps backward, and I’m slowly becoming ok with that.

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