Resolving Contradictions

I’ve previously mentioned some of the contradictions in my own thinking that I’ve noticed as I’ve become more self-aware. Although I used to either ignore contradictions or try to rationalize them, I’m now working on trying to resolve them. This is often easier said than done. Many contradictions that I find originate from deep-seated views that I’ve had for several years; some of them I’ve had for most of my life. Those are always difficult to question and even more difficult to change, even if I commit to doing so.

What I try to do when I feel up to it is focus on two contradictory views and see where my thoughts go. If I’m especially still, I can observe arguments forming to defend one view and attack the other without clinging to either type of argument; I can just be present and observe this unfolding. Once I’ve gotten that out of my system, I can then examine both views more closely. Sometimes I find a fatal flaw in one of them that causes the other to “win” by default. Other times I come to a middle ground between the two positions (although halfway between two extremes isn’t always the way to go). And still other times the contradiction remain unresolved and I simply learn more about how I think by examining the difference between those two positions.

I once went through a period of time during which I tried to resolve all contradictions I could find in my thinking. Even though this made me pretty good at thinking creatively and taking ideas to their full conclusions, it also drove me crazy at certain points. As of now, I still have plenty of unresolved contradictions from views I presently hold as well as views I abandoned somewhere along the way. And I’m sure that I’ll find or develop more contradictions as I continue to learn and grow. Maybe some contradictions are inevitable, either in thought process or within the universe itself. I’m ok with either option, and I’m ok with leaving some contradictions unresolved. I’d rather focus primarily on what I can do to make the world better and only occasionally try to resolve contradictions as a fun way to exercise my brain. I hope this was helpful or at least interesting to read and I’ll see you in the next post.

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Review of Man’s Search for Meaning

Man’s Search for Meaning is a difficult, useful book. Difficult in that it describes Viktor Frankl’s experiences in concentration camps during the Holocaust and useful because it also includes the lessons he learned from those experiences. I knew what it was about before ordering it, so I decided to wait until I was in a good place mentally before reading it. Now that I’ve gone through the book, here are my thoughts on it.

Frankl’s descriptions of life in the concentration camps were the hardest parts for me to read. Although his parents and wife were killed in gas chambers, Frankl avoided this fate by being sent to work camps instead of death camps. He and his fellow prisoners spent long hours doing hard manual labor in freezing weather while wearing ragged clothing and subsisting on little more than bread and watered-down soup. As their bodies wasted away from the malnutrition and grueling labor, they gradually became numb to their situation. They became immune to the verbal abuse the SS guards and kapos (prisoners who had been given some authority over their fellow prisoners) hurled at them and developed a kind of acceptance of their situation. Those who survived and were eventually freed from the camps went through an adjustment phase in which they had to learn how to feel pleased again after being tormented for so long.

Frankl notes that the prisoners who maintained a reason to keep going (such as being reunited with family, resuming their career, making a difference in the world, etc) had a better chance of surviving than those without such a reason. Every so often, a prisoner would give up and lie docile in bed while smoking a cigarette. No amount of persuasion, threats, or punishments could get them up, and they died shortly thereafter. As a psychiatrist, Frankl developed a theory called logotherapy based on this need for meaning in life. He quotes Friedrich Nietzsche in saying “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” The why can vary from one person to the next; the important thing is having a why. And, although Frankl does say that meaning can be found through suffering, he considered intentionally putting oneself through unnecessary suffering to be masochistic rather than heroic.

One of the most surprising things I read in the book was Frankl’s rejection of the idea of collective guilt. He said that some guards showed a certain degree of kindness and compassion to the prisoners, with one even using his own money to buy medicine for some of them. After they were liberated, some former prisoners hid that guard in the woods until the leader of the American forces promised that no harm would come to him. In contrast, some kapos were incredibly cruel and brutal to their fellow prisoners. I teared up when I read those passages since this is an area in which I often struggle. This was a much-needed reminder to avoid generalizing, find the good in people wherever possible, and forgive those who have hurt me. I’d say that was the best part of the book and, if nothing else, I’m glad I read it just for those passages.

Everyone should read Man’s Search for Meaning. I say that about a lot of books but this is one that I think could do a lot of good right now for what is has to say about suffering, forgiveness, finding meaning in life, and relating to one another. However, as I mentioned in the first paragraph, I would recommend a cautious approach. Some of the descriptions of life in the concentration camps might be triggering, especially for those who have already suffered a great deal in life. I’m glad I waited until I was in a good place before reading it and I’d encourage you to do the same. When you’re ready, though, give it a read. It’s well worth it.

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Making the Unconscious Conscious

As I continue my self-improvement journey, I’m constantly learning more about the importance of making the unconscious conscious. By this I mean allowing unwanted thoughts, feelings, and emotions to rise to the surface rather than keeping them suppressed or repressed in my subconscious. This has been a difficult lesson for me to learn. After all, I mostly strive to avoid pain and discomfort where I can and addressing negativity within myself can be quite painful. As painful as it can be to work through negativity, however, allowing it to fester in my subconscious is even worse. I’d compare it to undergoing surgery to remove a tumor; though the surgery and recovery process are painful, they’re less painful than leaving the tumor in place to grow and cause all kinds of problems.

The more sensations that I suppress and repress, the more explosively everything comes out when the pressure becomes too great. Having regular releases gives me opportunities to work through the stuff in my shadow and keeps negativity from building up excessively inside me. Whenever I’m on point with letting go of new pain as well as old pain, I feel incredibly light and at peace. My goal is to make this part of my daily routine so I can continually heal from whatever I experience and prevent it from dragging me down.

This isn’t limited to individuals. It’s important for families, communities, societies, and so on to address underlying issues instead of allowing them to continue wreaking havoc below the surface. As noted above, this can be difficult, messy, and painful, but it’s necessary so that we can all heal and move forward. The longer this gets put off, the harder it will be to do, and the more pain, distrust, violence, and feelings of separation there will be in the meantime. We can change this if we decide it’s worth doing, so let’s do it. Let’s all read Letting Go and take a page from Daryl Davis as we work on healing ourselves, our loved ones, and the rest of our fellow humans.

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Solving Problems Instead of Managing Symptoms

One of the most memorable things I read in Never Split the Difference is Chris Voss’s point about focusing on the real problem in any situation. That problem isn’t you or anybody else involved in the situation; the real problem is the underlying issue that has to be resolved. Keeping that in mind makes it much easier to get to the root of the matter and focus on the actual problem instead of blaming someone else or feeling guilty, both of which prevent all of you from working together to find a solution.

Something else that can get in the way of solving a problem is focusing too much on easing the symptoms caused by the problem. If the focus remains solely on addressing the symptoms, then there’ll be increasingly more resources dedicated to dealing with the symptoms while the problem festers and grows. If you solve the underlying problem, all of that will go away and your work will be complete. For example, if you have regular headaches because of a brain tumor, the best way to get rid of the headaches is to get rid of the tumor rather than continuously taking pain relievers.

There are often many factors that must each be solved to eliminate a problem. Sometimes solving one or two of them will drastically improve the situation and make the problem much easier to resolve. This approach helps me avoid getting overwhelmed when I have a huge, complex task ahead of me. Additionally, I often think of what Earl Nightingale said about solving problems in this video, particularly the words he quoted from Robert Seashore: “Successful people are not people without problems. They’re simply people who’ve learned to solve their problems.” All of this has made it much easier for me to shift the focus away from merely addressing the symptoms of the underlying problem and focus instead on solving the problem, and I hope it does the same for you.

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Some Realizations About Solving Problems

I had a few recent realizations about solving problems. Although I love helping other people and can point them in directions that might be beneficial to them, it’s important to show them respect by giving them space to solve their own problems. They might ask for my help or agree to let me weigh in if I ask them, but ultimately they have to do the work themselves.

There is no guarantee that I can solve or even understand someone else’s problems. If I volunteer myself to help out without having sufficient knowledge of the situation and their take on it, I might end up making things worse. Plus they might not want help from me or anyone else. They may want to handle things on their own, or they may just want someone to listen and understand where they’re at. Sometimes listening is the best way I can help someone; they may be able to talk themselves to a solution if I’m there holding space for them.

The book Boundaries has heavily shaped my thinking on this stuff. It’s caused me to make some decisions that were difficult to accept initially but have made more sense to me over time. Namely, it’s shown me the importance of avoiding becoming dependent on other people to solve my problems. I want to be able to sort things out for myself whenever possible and I want the same for those around me. This is a huge part of independence and I don’t want to deprive anyone of being able to utilize this ability. So now I’m very cautious when it comes to giving advice and trying to lend a helping hand. It’s become easier for me to feel into a situation and know what to say and do to make the best impact, and I’m incredibly grateful for that.

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The Daily Stoic: “Never Complain, Never Explain”

I agree to a certain extent with this entry from The Daily Stoic. Generally, complaining and making excuses merely compounds existing problems rather than solving them. In some cases, however, I’ve managed to find solutions through complaining, venting, or even ranting about particular problems. Still, I usually always find it much more effective to take a few deep breaths, calmly describe the problem, think a little about potential solutions, and give my subconscious plenty of space to work on finding a way out. I get better results more quickly this way and I also avoid getting needlessly worked up. So overall, I think this entry does a good job describing something that, when I remember to practice it, makes my life much easier.

“Don’t allow yourself to be heard any longer griping about public life, not even with your own ears!”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.9

Not only do even the most fortunate of us complain, it often seems like the more fortunate we are, the more time we have to do so. Marcus Aurelius was a reluctant chief executive – just as you might be a reluctant accountant, kid’s soccer coach, or lawyer. Or perhaps you generally like your job, but you could do without a few of its attendant responsibilities. Where does that thinking get you? Nowhere, other than in a negative state of mind.

It calls to mind a motto of British prime minister Benjamin Disraeli: “Never complain, never explain.” He said this because, like Marcus, he knew that the burdens of responsibility were immense. It’s so easy to complain about this or that, or to try to make excuses and justifications for the things you’ve done. But that doesn’t accomplish anything – and it never lightens the load.

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Adjusting Expectations

Yesterday, I received a great reminder about the power of expectations. Someone at my job told me that negative emotions tend to arise when there’s a difference between one’s expectations and one’s situation. For example, if I’m driving during rush hour and expecting no traffic, I’ll be disappointed and frustrated when I hit congestion; the drive will also feel longer to me than it actually is. On the other hand, keeping in mind that delays are highly likely during rush hour makes it easier for me to relax and enjoy the journey. That mindset shift gives me much more inner peace even though the situation is the same in both cases.

Trying to match my expectations with the situations I get into is different than having no expectations, which is how I’d like to operate. I find the first option to be much easier than the second and I think it might be good practice for working toward eliminating my expectations and accepting things as they are. It has to be a better approach than continuing to set unrealistic expectations and getting upset when I don’t get what I wanted.

I understand these things intellectually but I don’t always remember to practice them. As I’ve said in past posts, trying to change lifelong habits is quite difficult and slow. I think I’ll get there once I’ve spent enough time working on this stuff that it becomes second nature for me. That conversation I had at work feels like a sign to me that I’m on the right track. When I’m paying attention, I notice all kinds of signs that point me in a particular direction or tell me to keep going on my current path. So I’m optimistic about my future with this stuff and I look forward to seeing what happens as I keep moving forward.

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The Fork Theory

I recently learned of the Fork Theory through a post on social media. Earlier today, I found out that Jenrose originally posted about this brilliant concept in 2018. Although I also appreciate the Spoon Theory (linked below), I think the Fork Theory is even better. It does a great job explaining burnout clearly and simply, fits nicely with my post on compounding misery, and shows that solving small problems makes it easier to solve big problems. So without further ado, here’s the Fork Theory:

Have I told y’all about my husband’s Fork Theory?

So the Spoon Theory is a fundamental metaphor used often in the chronic pain/chronic illness communities to explain to non-spoonies why life is harder for them. It’s super useful and we use that all the time.

But it has a corollary.

You know the phrase, “Stick a fork in me, I’m done,” right?

Well, Fork Theory is that one has a Fork Limit, that is, you can probably cope okay with one fork stuck in you, maybe two or three, but at some point you will lose your sh*t if one more fork happens.

A fork could range from being hungry or having to pee to getting a new bill or a new diagnosis of illness. There are lots of different sizes of forks, and volume vs. quantity means that the fork limit is not absolute. I might be able to deal with 20 tiny little escargot fork annoyances, such as a hangnail or slightly suboptimal pants, but not even one “you poked my trigger on purpose because you think it’s fun to see me melt down” pitchfork.

This is super relevant for neurodivergent folk. Like, you might be able to deal with your feet being cold or a tag, but not both. Hubby describes the situation as “It may seem weird that I just get up and leave the conversation to go to the bathroom, but you just dumped a new financial burden on me and I already had to pee, and going to the bathroom is the fork I can get rid of the fastest.”

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Some of My Contradictions

These are some of the contradictions I’ve noticed within myself. I don’t fault myself for having these contradictions. As far as I can tell, everyone has some inconsistencies, so that may just be part of the human experience. Maybe it’s possible to get to a point where all contradictions are resolved and there is perfect consistency among thoughts, words, and actions. I’m not worried about it achieving perfect consistency. I’m just going to keep observing myself, loving myself, and enjoying the journey of self-discovery.

  1. I think community is extremely important yet I choose to spend a lot of time by myself
  2. I believe in thinking well of other people but I have a lot of trouble doing that at times
  3. I understand the value of forgiveness yet I struggle to forgive certain people
  4. I know the importance of consistently working toward my goals but I mostly relax and lounge around in my free time
  5. I think balance is crucial yet I’m drawn to extremes
  6. I wish more people would speak their minds but I seldom do so
  7. I talk about self-awareness yet I still am so unaware of much of what I do
  8. I value understanding but I can still be quick to make assumptions and write people off
  9. I hate being interrupted but I sometimes interrupt others
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4 Books Everyone Should Read Right Now

Things seem to be getting crazier out there, or maybe it’s just me. I try to stay out of the worst of it as much as I can but I feel that I should say something about it. Thinking about everything that’s going on right now made me realize that it can all be boiled down into a few key issues. I then thought of a few books that can be helpful for addressing these issues and providing a path toward a solution. With that in mind, here are the books that I think everyone should read right now.

The Righteous Mind

This book is all about why people think they way that they do and how good people can disagree on political and religious matters. Jonathan Haidt does a great job explaining some big psychological concepts in a way that the average person can understand fairly easily. If more people understand how others think and where they’re coming from, then there will be more widespread empathy and peace, and we need as much of both of those things as we can get right now.

Letting Go

By far the best book I’ve read this year and one of the most helpful books I’ve ever read. Letting Go has reminded me of the importance of spending time each day working through unwanted emotions. It got me through the most difficult season in recent memory and I’m sure it can do the same for anyone else who needs some emotional healing.

The Fourth Turning

The Fourth Turning is all about cycles and patterns that repeat through the ages. It contains a lot of stuff related to generations, including why people in different generations live and act as they do. Since there have seemingly always been generational battles, I figure this book could be useful for facilitating understanding and showing that what’s going on now has happened countless times before and will likely continue to happen.

Man’s Search for Meaning

Although I’m only about halfway through with this book, I can already tell that it’s a powerful resource for healing from traumatic experiences. Viktor Frankl uses his own experiences in a concentration camp to illustrate the techniques that helped him survive and find meaning in life despite everything he went through. I waited until I was in a good place mentally before reading the book due to the heavy subject matter, so keep that in mind if you decide to check it out. Still, I think it could be an invaluable resource for many people who are hurting and want relief.

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