Getting What I Need Instead of What I Want: An Ice Cream Anecdote

Posted on January 15, 2020 by admin

Sometime last week, I got some lunch and then went for ice cream before going to work. The person at the ice cream shop messed up my order and I only fully realized it once I got to my car. I ate a few bites, didn’t like it enough to keep eating it, and decided to just throw it away rather than making a fuss or trying to eat the rest of it. That turned out to be a great decision as I had eaten enough lunch to feel slightly uncomfortable at work. I’m sure I would have felt horrible if I had eaten all of my ice cream, so I’m glad that I got the wrong order and ditched it.

I didn’t throw it out right away as I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t what I ordered and also see how it tasted. When I decided I didn’t like it, I thought of sunk costs right before I threw it away. Sunk costs is an economic concept that involves costs that cannot be recovered and thus should not be taken into account when making future decisions. The money I spent on that ice cream was gone and I wouldn’t have gotten any of it back or been in a better financial position by eating something that I wasn’t enjoying. If it made me uncomfortable or sick, I’d have been in an even worse position, so there was no point in trying to force myself to eat it in order to avoid feeling like I’d wasted money. Knowing this made it easy for me to get rid of it and move on.

This is a good example of life giving me what I needed instead of what I wanted. If I had gotten what I wanted, I probably would have eaten most or all of it and felt miserable at work. Because I didn’t like what I got and ditched it, I avoided bringing that misery onto myself. It’s often difficult for me to be satisfied when what I get isn’t what I want but occasionally I’m clearheaded enough to recognize that it’s sometimes better to get what I need even if it isn’t what I want at the time. I was able to recognize this at work that day and I hope this little anecdote helps me remember that lesson when I come across it elsewhere in life.

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Resistance and Calming the Mind

Posted on January 8, 2020 by admin

The more I learn, the more I realize how much resistance works against me. Putting up a strong wall of resistance in a difficult situation only makes it harder to communicate with whoever else is involved and prolongs the tension. Even with myself, resistance causes a lot of problems. For example, trying to drive out unwanted thoughts only strengthens them. How, then, can you settle your thoughts?

The answer requires taking the opposite approach: focus on your thoughts and be very aware of what’s going on in your head. Try challenging yourself to think harder and then watch as that brings you a great deal of mental peace and stillness. I’ve heard this from Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle and was recently reminded of it when I listened to this TED Talk from Brad Blanton. They all talk about how the mind does the opposite of what you try to get it to do, so trying to forcibly quiet your mind only makes it more active and trying to energize it instead calms it.

I think the best thing to strive for is to have no resistance whatsoever, but hardly anybody seems to actually live that way. Short of that, using life hacks like this that make resistance work for you rather than against you is a great alternative option. I’ve used this life hack a lot lately to quiet my own mind and be at peace in the present moment. It works wonderfully every time I use it and I highly recommend you give it a try the next time you’re overthinking or feeling stressed.

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Goodbye 2019, Hello 2020

Posted on January 1, 2020 by admin

(Real quick: this will be my last daily blog post. I’ll still be posting once a week, though, so I’m not going anywhere. Thanks for accompanying me on this journey thus far. I hope you stick around to see where this year takes me. Without further ado, on to the post!)

For me, 2019 ended on a very nice note. I had several events and parties that I could have attended but I chose instead to have a quiet day mostly to myself. Since I had the day off from work, I slept in and kept a nice leisurely pace throughout the day. After breakfast, I played my Star Wars game for a while and then went out for a late lunch/early dinner (sweet tea, french fries, and the best steak I’ve ever eaten). I was pretty full at that point, so I went home to rest up for a bit before heading back out.

I then went to a park close to my house and spent some time throwing around a stone and some weights with a friend. Even though I had never tried that stuff before, I stayed patient, listened to his advice, and adjusted my technique until I started getting a feel for the movements. We finished up, walked a few blocks for some food, and hung out for a while longer before parting ways. I headed home to juggle, write a blog post, and rest a bit. I had debated whether to go out or stay home and I decided to go out to ring in the new year, so I stopped by a local nightclub to visit with another friend for a little while. I stuck around for a bit after midnight and then went back home to read and head to bed.

This was the quietest New Year’s celebration I’ve had since 2016 and I loved it. I had plenty of time by myself to pursue my interests and recharge while still getting a decent amount of meaningful socializing. I also didn’t have any solid plans yesterday and just did things as I went, which was a nice change of pace. Some people like to go big when they celebrate but I’m finding more and more that I generally like to keep things simple. This was a great way to say goodbye to 2019 and welcome in 2020, and I hope the rest of this year continues along similar lines.

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Ringing in the New Year

Posted on December 31, 2019 by admin

Amidst the fanfare of New Year’s celebrations, I can easily forget that things are going to continue as they are once the festivities are over. Just because the calendar changes doesn’t mean that anything else will change. My present habits, routines, and systems are going to keep going unless I intentionally change them. That’s both a blessing and a curse. I like that my progress won’t vanish when the clock strikes midnight but it would be nice if the difficult stuff went away at the end of the year.

Since New Year’s isn’t an automatic hard reset, I get to decide how I want to start off the new year. The last few years have all ended very differently for me. Although 2017 was overall a very difficult year, it ended on an incredibly high note and gave me a great start to 2018. In contrast, 2018 was one of the best years of my life but I was in a difficult place emotionally by the time it left. This year has been a mixed bag but I’m feeling good about both the present and the future at this point. So to make 2020 a good year, all I have to do is keep my positive momentum from this year going and continue to work on myself.

It’s helped that I’ve kept my New Year’s celebrations small and quiet. Until 2017, I had never even gone out; I had just stayed home and relaxed until midnight, at which point I’d go to bed. I’ve hung out with a few friends the past two years and I’m thinking of going out again tonight, although I haven’t decided for sure yet. If I do go out, it will be for another simple celebration to say farewell to the old year, ring in the new year, and then get some sleep. I don’t have any wild or crazy New Year’s stories and that’s how I like it.

That’s my take on New Year’s. While many people see it as out with the old and in with the new, I see it as out with the unwanted and in with the wanted. Like carving a sculpture out of marble, it’s a matter of deciding what to eliminate and what to enhance. I’ve gotten pretty good at that and it’s put me in an overall great life situation. While I have plans for next year and an idea of how things will go, I’ll no doubt be surprised many times along the way and will probably end up getting what I need even if it’s not what I wanted. That all being said, I hope you have a wonderful New Year’s celebration that gets 2020 started off on the right foot and takes you one step closer to your best life.

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2020 Goals

Posted on December 30, 2019 by admin

Like many other people, I’ve been thinking lately about some things I’d like to accomplish next year. I don’t consider these New Year’s resolutions as I think that approach is problematic to say the least. Most of the things on my list are just continuations of things I’ve done for most of this year, so I’ve already got a good head start on them. That’s important when it comes to sticking to plans and keeping resolutions and, in my experience, it’s a much better approach than picking a lot of goals at the end of the year and diving in headfirst with no real plan. I know how to make this stuff happen and I’m going to see to it that it does happen next year. Without further ado, here are some of my goals for 2020.

  1. Learn some unicycling tricks. Nothing too fancy right away, just some stuff that I can probably pick up in a year or less. Riding backwards, juggling while riding (which I did once earlier this year), starting off without leaning against something, etc. With all the progress I made at unicycling this past year, I think I can go even further next year.
  2. Stick to a solid, consistent workout routine. Since I first joined a gym back in 2014, my workouts have been all over the place. Sometimes I’ll go weeks without exercising, other times I’ll not miss a workout for months, and still other times I’ll just do warm up sets and call it a day. My strength has varied dramatically as a result and I never seem to stay at one level of strength for very long before rising or falling to another level. Next year, I hope to hit the gym regularly and stick to a good workout program so I can get my strength where I’d like it to be.
  3. Start working on my humanitarian plan. I talked about this in a recent post, so I won’t spend too much time on it here. Since I think about it a lot, I might as well try some things out and see what happens. Maybe it will work out in practice similarly to how it looks in my head, or maybe I’ll need to do a lot of things differently. Either way, I’ll at least be moving toward one of my biggest life goals and helping people out along the way.
  4. Continue healing. I worked through a lot of difficult emotional stuff this year. The more I learn about myself, the more stuff I find to heal. Whether or not this ends up being a lifelong process, it will probably take me several more years to discover and heal everything that comes up. Fortunately I have several wonderful friends who regularly help me on this journey, so I’m ready to keep going and see where it takes me next.
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My 2019 Highlights

Posted on December 29, 2019 by admin

This past year would be difficult to describe in a few words or even in one blog post. I could spend ages talking about how 2019 affected me. Instead, I’ll just mention some of the highlights of my year in this post. There was plenty more good stuff but these are the things that most easily come to my mind when I think back on my favorite moments of 2019. This was an incredibly meaningful year for me and I hope 2020 will be just as meaningful in its own ways.

  1. Lollies and Lemonade 2019. I enjoyed this dance workshop more than any other I’ve attended thus far. Getting a break from my usual schedule for a weekend full of Balboa book-ended by a nice road trip with two other Jacksonville dancers was just what I needed. It was a blast from beginning to end and I hope to make it to this workshop in 2020.
  2. Ichetucknee Springs Day. Fun day in the springs with swimming, tubing, swing dancing, meditating in the cool water, and enjoying the company of some fun people. This was the best trip to Ichetucknee Springs I’ve ever had and it was one of the best day trips I had this year. Easily comes to my mind as one of the highlights of 2019.
  3. Getting the hang of unicycling. When I got my unicycle for Christmas last year, I decided that I would practice with it a bit every day. That dedication and consistency paid off as I’m now pretty good at unicycling. I went from not being able to go more than a few feet to being able to ride for almost as long as I want and I even managed to juggle on my unicycle one night. I’m glad I stuck with it even on difficult days when I felt like I’d never get the hang of it. I’ve learned some valuable life lessons, greatly improved my balance, and had a lot of fun through unicycling and I’ve only just begun.
  4. Finding floating. It’s strange to think that I never floated before this year, especially since I now float at least once a week. Floating has done wonders for my mental health and self-improvement; it’s a wonderful way for me to relax, deal with stress, learn more about myself, and see what I can do differently in life. I’m so glad I found it and I plan to keep doing it regularly as long as I can.
  5. Working through my emotions. The latter half of this year has been tough for me emotionally. I’ve faced many new challenges and dealt with lots of old emotions that haven’t been healed, so it’s been quite a struggle at times. Fortunately I’ve also found many great life hacks for working through those emotions and trying to heal them. Those have helped me a lot and I’m sure they will continue to help me as I keep working through whatever comes up.
  6. Cultivating genuine friendships. After learning last year that there’s a difference between friends and acquaintances, I’ve spent much of this year focusing on my true friendships. I still spend time with my acquaintances and appreciate their company but I no longer make the mistake of thinking of them as friends. As a result, I feel much better overall when I interact with other people and I now dedicate most of my attention and energy to the friends who are like family to me.
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Charity and Business: A Recent Realization

Posted on December 28, 2019 by admin

For a few years now, I’ve been thinking that the next stage of my life will involve starting my own business and then putting my humanitarian plan into action. I’ve read several business books and done a good bit of other research to prepare for this but I still feel like I’m no closer to entrepreneurship than when I first had this idea. Then I had a realization while I was at work. Instead of putting aside my humanitarian goals until I’m in a better financial situation, why not do what I can with what I have right now? I may not be able to organize, donate, and help people now as much as I’d like to, but I can still make a positive difference by taking advantage of opportunities that present themselves. Doing what I can now will let me develop skill at many things that will help me with my bigger plans later on, both in charitable action and in business. Plus getting into the habit of living a charitable lifestyle will make it easier for me to help even more people when I have more resources; if I’m not in the habit of giving now, it will be much harder for me to get into that habit later.

I don’t think much about entrepreneurship but I think about my humanitarian plan almost every day. That may be a sign that I should focus first on the charitable stuff and come back to the business stuff later. Other people have done it differently but I’m not other people and I’m not here to do things that other people do. Having gotten a behind-the-scenes look at some of what it takes to run a successful business and still being largely clueless about what type of business I’d like to have, I think it’s best to put that stuff on the back burner for the foreseeable future.

The timing of this is perfect as I’ve recently been given a particularly special opportunity that I’m sure will do a lot to prepare me for my future plans on a smaller, more manageable scale. I can’t wait to try out my ideas and see what works and what needs adjustment. The serendipity surrounding this special opportunity is part of the excitement I’ve felt as of late, especially in connection with this realization. When I can, I’ll update you on how this plays out. For now, I’ll close by saying that I’ve felt much better since I received this realization and I’m excited to see where it goes.

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The Daily Stoic: “Life Is Long – If You Know How to Use It”

Posted on December 27, 2019 by admin

This entry from The Daily Stoic is all about the importance of good time management. There are many days in which I feel like I’ve got little to no time to do the things I find meaningful but, upon reflection, I notice several things that I could do differently. Instead of spending so much time on social media, I can dedicate that time to reading, juggling, writing, stretching, etc. That works well for smaller things that I can do by myself. It’s more difficult to make that work out with larger things, such as getting enough time freedom to pursue my main life goals. However, difficult doesn’t mean impossible and I’ve gotten pretty good at doing things that many people would consider to be impossible, so it’s just a matter of figuring out what changes I need to make to get where I want to be in life. That way I can look back on my life in my later years and be satisfied that I did the best I could with the time I had.

“It’s not at all that we have too short a time to live, but that we squander a great deal of it. Life is long enough, and it’s given in sufficient measure to do many great thins if we spend it well. But when it’s poured down the drain of luxury and neglect, when it’s employed to no good end, we’re finally driven to see that it has passed by before we even recognized it passing. And so it is – we don’t receive a short life, we make it so.”

-Seneca, On the Brevity of Life, 1.3-4a

No one knows how long they have to live, but sadly, we can be sure of one thing: we’ll waste far too much of life. Waste it sitting around, waste it chasing the wrong things, waste it by refusing to take the time to ask ourselves what’s actually important to us. Far too often, we’re like the overconfident academics that Petrarach criticized in his classic essay on ignorance – the types who “fritter away their powers incessantly in caring for things outside of them and seek themselves there.” Yet they have no idea this is what they’re doing.

So today, if you find yourself rushed or uttering the words “I just don’t have enough time,” stop and take a second. Is this actually true? Or have you just committed to a lot of unnecessary things? Are you actually being efficient, or have you assumed a great deal of waste into your life? The average American spends something like forty hours a year in traffic. That’s months over the course of a life. And for “traffic,” you can substitute so many activities – from fighting with others to watching television to daydreaming.

Your life is plenty long – just use it properly.

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Embracing Discomfort

Posted on December 26, 2019 by admin

For many people, it’s easier now than ever before to avoid trials, tribulations, difficulties, and suffering. There are many conveniences to modern life that have eliminated most of the problems that ancient humans faced. Although it’s natural to prefer things that provide comfort and pleasure over things that cause misery and suffering, pursuing the former things doesn’t always guarantee that you’ll get them. I have been seeking comfort more and more lately and I think that has made it harder for me to handle even mildly difficult situations.

It doesn’t help that I’ve fallen away from many of my habits that either challenged me to push through difficulties (such as taking cold showers) or relieved tension in my body (such as stretching). I have time to do this stuff, I just mostly spend it doing other things instead. Once I fall out of a habit, it’s extremely difficult for me to get back into it. I sometimes need help to get back on track, and help arrived earlier this week. My mindfulness buddy sent me this article that discusses how resilience is more important than comfort and happiness. That article reminded me of how David Goggins has used suffering to harden his mind, overcome his past, and become the person he is today. Those two reminders gave me what I needed to recommit myself to embracing the difficulties rather than trying to avoid them.

So far I’ve started out slowly, mainly by stretching and taking cold showers again. I also try to keep in mind that, one way or another, I can find a solution for difficult situations. All of that seems to be helping, as does the nice break I’ve had from my usual routines. Plus I’m remembering that the nice things in life are even nicer after going through challenging times; endless comfort quickly becomes boring and draining. I hope I can keep doing the stuff that helps me instead of falling away from it as I’ve done several times now. I’ll also try to keep in mind that life is all about the journey, not the destination; if I lose my way for a while, I’ll see what I learn from that little detour and then keep on moving.

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A Meaningful Christmas

Posted on December 25, 2019 by admin

Christmas day is here once more and it seems that every year it takes me longer and longer to get into the Christmas spirit. Part of this has to do with the loss of some cherished traditions as I’ve grown older and moved into different life situations and lost loved ones. However, I think the biggest factor in this is difficulty that many people have this time of year. So many spend much of December rushing around and stressing out so that they can have one day of peace and rest, and even then their holiday can still be filled with anxiety and depression. What is supposed to be a time of peace on Earth and goodwill to all men can easily become a season of stress, bitterness, and hostility toward one another in the mad rush to get everything right. Rampant commercialization compounds this as it puts more emphasis on getting the perfect gift rather than remembering what truly matters in life.

I used to be blind to the darker side of this season but now I see it almost everywhere. It affects several of my coworkers and customers at my job and I’ve personally felt it affect me for much of this month. Earlier this week, I was thinking about how Christmas used to be my favorite holiday but it doesn’t feel that way anymore, and that really got me down. All of that changed this morning, however. I slept in, exchanged some gifts, sang a few Christmas songs, and watched A Charlie Brown Christmas and How the Grinch Stole Christmas! Near the end of the Charlie Brown special, I started thinking about the Christmas truce of 1914. Early in World War I, British and German troops in Belgium stopped fighting each other on Christmas Eve and sang Christmas carols, shook hands, gave each other gifts, and even played football (or soccer as it’s known in the US). That extraordinary display of love and kindness is recreated beautifully in this ad that gave me a long-overdue cry. If that can happen on a battlefield during a war, then it can certainly happen anywhere else.

This season will become what we decide it will become. We can make it a time of fighting, hatred, anger, and stress or we can make it a time of peace, love, joy, and rest. I’d much rather it be the latter and I think everyone else would as well. I doubt that there’s anyone who would truly wish for this season to be difficult and painful; deep down, I think everyone hopes for a restful break during the holidays. That break may come from observing traditions, being spontaneous, visiting loved ones, getting some quality alone time, or anything else that you find meaningful. However you spend the holidays this year, I hope they bring you much love, joy, and peace, and may you take a page from The Muppet Christmas Carol and make it last all year. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours.

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