The Daily Stoic: “Don’t Hide from Your Feelings”

Posted on December 8, 2019 by admin

Several entries in The Daily Stoic come across to me as dismissive of unwanted or difficult emotions but this one does not. This entry highlights the importance of feeling everything and working through it rather than trying to suppress or repress anything. I’ve focused a good bit on working through my thoughts, feelings, and emotions this year, so I loved reading this entry earlier today. I also like what it says about finding the positive as I think any situation can contain a valuable lesson, even the difficult ones. The only point of disagreement I have is the recommendation to immediately work through whatever you’re feeling. In some situations, I feel like I need a bit of time before I can appropriately address my emotions; sometimes immediate action feels too painful or counterproductive, so I’ll sit with myself for a bit until I’m in a better state of mind. Maybe I’ll need less of that later on in my journey, but for now, I always give myself that time when I feel I need it. Still, this is a solid entry from The Daily Stoic and one of my personal favorites that I’ve read thus far, and I hope it brings value to your life.

“It’s better to conquer grief than to deceive it.”

-Seneca, On Consolation to Helvia, 17.1b

We’ve all lost people we were close to – a friend, a colleague, a parent, a grandparent. While we were suffering from our grief, some well-meaning person did their best to take our mind off it or make us think about something else for a couple hours. However kind, these gestures are misguided.

The Stoics are stereotyped as suppressing their emotions, but their philosophy was actually intended to teach us to face, process, and deal with emotions immediately instead of running from them. Tempting as it is to deceive yourself or hide from a powerful emotion like grief – by telling yourself and other people that you’re fine – awareness and understanding are better. Distraction might be pleasant in the short term – by going to gladiatorial games, as a Roman might have done, for example. Focusing is better in the long term.

That means facing it now. Process and parse what you are feeling. Remove your expectations, your entitlements, your sense of having been wronged. Find the positive in the situation, but also sit with your pain and accept it, remembering that it is a part of life. That’s how one conquers grief.

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Stories and Dancing

Posted on December 7, 2019 by admin

Kurt Vonnegut has a fascinating lecture about the shapes of stories. He goes through several examples of the rises, falls, and good and bad fortune that characters in stories can experience before looking at a story that has a very different structure. Vonnegut uses Hamlet as an example of a story in which things happen without it being clear whether what happens is good or bad. Vonnegut claims that, unlike most other stories, Hamlet tells us the truth: we don’t know enough about life to be able to tell the good news from the bad news. However, he still maintains that we can (and should) notice when we’re happy and appreciate the nice things that we experience.

This reminds me of Alan Watt’s story of the Chinese farmer, which Watts uses to illustrate how we never know what the consequences of good fortune or bad fortune will be. That notion further connects to what Watts has said about life being like a dance; the purpose isn’t to get to a particular place on the dance floor but to enjoy every step along the way, and the same is true of life. So putting these ideas together would result in getting out of the stories that we all tell ourselves and enjoying the dance while it’s happening.

These concepts are fairly new to me so I’m still turning them over in my head. They’ve given me a lot of great stuff to think about and I’m sure I’ll get more out of them over time. For now, I’ve realized how much I look at my own life as a story with the typical rises, falls, and shapes that many stories have. I’ve also been thinking lately about how much my perceptions of life and the things I value in it have changed over time, which fits in nicely with what both Vonnegut and Watts say about good news and bad news. I’m going to try maintaining this perspective for a while and see what it does for me. If I can remember to do so, I’ll let you know what happens. Until next time, take care and enjoy the dance.

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Detachment and Stress

Posted on December 6, 2019 by admin

Sometimes I find it easier to detach from unwanted emotions when I’m in a bad mood. When everything has been going smoothly for me, I still sometimes start expecting things to start going downhill, which can make it difficult to enjoy the nice things in life. After a rough day or a few rough days, I start getting desensitized to the thought of my situation getting worse. In that state of mind, I usually think “This might turn out badly; I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it” and then forget about it until much later. It feels like I’ve used so much energy stressing over whatever’s already happened that I don’t have enough left to worry about what might happen. Oddly, that actually helps me avoid getting more stressed out once I’ve hit my limit, although the path leading up to that limit is still difficult and unpleasant. It’d be nice if I could figure out how to consistently detach in unpleasant situations without first going through a ton of stress.

I also typically remember to be present, practice breath work, and make use of other life hacks when I’m stressed. I can easily forget to use them when I’m feeling good and going through an easy season but I always remember to use them in difficult times. Although I’d probably be better off if I used them regularly and made them into habits, I’m glad that I use them when I need them the most.

This is one of those rare posts in which I don’t have any real take-home point or closing lesson. These are just a few things I’ve noticed in myself as of late and thought that someone else might resonate with them. Maybe my next post will be more like my usual ones with a strong point. Guess we’ll find out. Until then, I hope you’re doing well, I’m glad that I’m doing better than I was earlier this week, and I will see you next time.

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Be Yourself

Posted on December 5, 2019 by admin

Sometimes I wish I could be more like my role models. It’s easy to look at them and think that I’d be better capable of handling one or more aspects of my life if I had their patience, mindset, speaking ability, etc. However, when I look at somebody else, I only see a small fraction of who they are. I don’t see how they are when they’re alone, their inner thoughts, or anything else that they keep under lock and key. Even though some people seem to have it all figured out, everyone has some uncertainties and room for growth.

Further, I’m not here to be anybody else. I’m here to be myself and to fulfill my life purpose as only I can. Those who came before me focused on being who they were meant to be and now it’s my turn to do the same. I can still draw inspiration from Mister Rogers, Alan Watts, Jim Henson, and other people I admire, but I don’t want to lose sight of the things that make me unique and well-suited to turn my dreams into reality.

The people I admire most understand the importance of being yourself and loving yourself and keeping in mind the fact that you’re worthy of love just as you are. This is a big part of why I enjoy being around my closest friends and even consider some of them to be family: rather than trying to change me into somebody else, they accept me as I am and encourage me to do the same. I, in turn, do my best to treat others this way. The positive difference this makes in my interactions is clear when I manage to do it and it gets easier the more I practice it. I’m finding that the more I accept myself, the more comfortable other people feel being themselves around me. How would the world look if more people did this and gave others space to follow suit? Let’s find out.

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A Life Lesson from Time Travel Movies

Posted on December 4, 2019 by admin

One of the best posts I’ve ever seen online said that, thanks to time travel movies, lots of people are familiar with the idea that small changes in the past can radically change the present, but very few people think that small changes in the present can radically change their future. I saw that post right around the time I started getting my life together and it has guided my thinking ever since. And I’ve seen how it has worked to get me much closer to where I want to be in life, so this idea has passed the usefulness test with flying colors.

On the subject of time travel, sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to talk to my future self and see how I turn out. Then I recently started thinking about how my past self would feel if he could see where I’m at now. I think he’d be impressed with how far I’ve come, how well I’ve done with everything that life’s thrown at me, and how much small victories have done to get me where I’m at today. Additionally, I think he’d be in awe of how I’ve learned to manage and, in some cases, even overcome challenges that I’ve faced from a young age.

Knowing that I’ve come a long way from where I used to be and that I can go even further by getting the small details right is very encouraging. Sometimes it’s the only thing that gets me through a rough patch. What also helps is keeping in mind that my journey doesn’t have to be perfectly linear; as long as I’m moving in the right direction more often than not, a few bad days or difficult seasons aren’t going to spell doom. So the next time you’re feeling glum about where you’re at or where you think you’re going, remind yourself how far you’ve come and see what small changes you can make to get closer to where you want to be.

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Breaking My Social Media Addiction… Again

Posted on December 3, 2019 by admin

I’ve noticed that once I write a blog post, I sometimes forget what I wrote about, as if the information were hanging out in my memory just long enough for me to write about it. There have been a few occasions in which someone I know in person has mentioned liking something I mentioned in an older post and I’ll have to ask them what I said in it. This can give me some difficulty in remembering the lessons contained in certain posts or points of view I had about books I read a long time ago. A perfect example of this is the post I wrote earlier this year about my social media addiction.

For a while, I was able to stick to the stuff in that post and successfully avoided spending hours aimlessly surfing the internet. Soon enough, though, my old habits resurfaced and I was right back where I started. Things stayed pretty much the same for me until a few days ago. A friend worked with me on this and gave me some more good things to do instead of spending so much time online, such as catching up on reading some of my books, juggling, unicycling, and doing other things that feed my soul.

Since that conversation, I’ve been using guided meditations right before bed and shortly after waking up, prioritizing reading, and avoiding social media much more than I usually do. I’ve felt much more at peace than I usually do, each day feels slower and more enjoyable, and I’m finding it much easier to be productive now that I have a lot more free time. And staying away from social media has actually been easier than I thought it would be. I think part of that is because I’m feeling so good and I know that scrolling through an endless newsfeed is a great way to lose that good feeling, so the temptation to jump back on is easy to avoid. I’m feeling pretty good about my chances of continuing to limit my social media use going forward and, in the meantime, I’m just going to keep enjoying this good feeling and the increased productivity.

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The Daily Stoic: “You’re Going to Be Ok”

Posted on December 2, 2019 by admin

When I’m feeling stressed, I sometimes remind myself of the message from this entry from The Daily Stoic. However, I prefer to say “I’m ok” as framing it in the present tense helps calm me down and makes me see the situation more clearly. Plus if I’m upset, the last thing I want to do is think that I have to wait until some point in the future before I can feel better. Phrasing aside, this is a good reminder to focus on the present moment instead of dwelling on what happened in the past or fretting about what may happen in the future.

“Don’t lament this and don’t get agitated.”

-Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 7.43

There’s that feeling we get when something happens: It’s all over now. All is lost. What follows are complaints and pity and misery – the impotent struggle against something that’s already occurred.

Why bother? We have no idea what the future holds. We have no idea what’s coming up around the bend. It could be more problems, or this could be the darkness before the dawn.

If we’re Stoic, there is one thing we can be sure of: whatever happens, we’re going to be OK.

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Review of The Princess Bride

Posted on December 1, 2019 by admin

I’ve seen bits and pieces of The Princess Bride for years but never saw it all the way through until last week. I’m glad I finally watched the whole thing because it’s a wonderful movie and I had a lot of fun watching it. Before I share more of my thoughts on it, I’ll give a spoiler-filled recap of the plot. If you haven’t seen it yet, skip to the last paragraph or, better yet, watch it before reading this review. Ready? Ok, here we go.

A young boy is sick in bed, so his grandfather reads him a story in the hopes of making him feel better. The story tells of a woman named Buttercup who falls in love with her farmhand named Westley. Before they can marry, Westley is presumed to have been killed by the Dread Pirate Roberts and Buttercup is heartbroken. Making matters worse, Prince Humperdinck decides to marry her and she is forced to accept.

The wedding is delayed, however, when she is kidnapped by Vizzini and his henchmen, a giant named Fezzik and a Spanish fencer named Inigo Montoya. Their plans are ruined when the Dread Pirate Roberts appears and defeats each of them before rescuing Buttercup. Just as Prince Humperkinck and his men arrive, Buttercup learns that Westley is the Dread Pirate Roberts and the two of them briefly evade Humperdinck before being captured. Humperdinck promises Buttercup that he will release Westley but instead has him tortured to death.

Fezzik and Inigo meet again and decide to search for Westley as Inigo believes he can help him find the man who killed his father many years ago. After they discover his body in the torture chamber, they take him to Miracle Max and beg for his help. Because Westley is merely “mostly dead” and, therefore, “slightly alive”, Max is successfully able to revive him. Westley develops a plan to invade the castle, rescue Buttercup, and allow Inigo to avenge his father’s death. The plan works perfectly and they all ride away on horseback to the perfect fairy tale ending. Meanwhile, the sick boy ends up loving the story despite initially being extremely skeptical and asks his grandfather to read it to him again the next day. His grandfather replies “As you wish”, which, just like in the story, means “I love you.”

The Princess Bride is a rare movie in that it appeals to nearly everyone who watches it. I think everyone I know who’s seen it has enjoyed it. That’s a pretty rare accomplishment for a movie but not surprising for this one since it has something for everyone: action, adventure, comedy, romance, and plenty of heart. The small amount of behind-the-scenes footage I’ve seen makes it appear that everyone enjoyed working together and had a lot of fun making the movie, and it shows in their performances. I just love watching everyone onscreen, especially during the funny moments. The comedy is a good mix of over-the-top silliness and casual deliveries that meshes perfectly with my sense of humor. And the tone of the movie is well balanced so that the lighthearted moments don’t overshadow the more serious moments and vice versa. All of this makes The Princess Bride a fun movie that anyone can enjoy watching over and over again.

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Be the Change

Posted on November 30, 2019 by admin

So many people say they want the world to be vastly better than it is yet hardly anyone is willing to make the changes necessary for that happen. When someone does recognize that massive changes are required to make the world the way they want it to be, they think that they don’t have to make those changes; another person or a lot of other people have to make those changes, but not them. They think that they can’t do anything in their current position and that even if they made a huge change, it wouldn’t make any difference. And so what happens? Nobody makes any changes, not even small ones, because they think “Oh if I make a small change or even a big change, nothing’s going to happen.” So nobody does anything and nothing changes. Everybody’s waiting on everybody else to make things better.

What would happen if even a small number of people made a few small changes? There’d be lots of changes, big ones and small ones alike. And what would happen if a small number of people made some huge changes? Then other people would take notice of them because people take notice of anything that’s markedly different than what they’re used to seeing. A few observers would be inspired to make some huge changes as well, and they would inspire others to do the same, and so on. There’d be even more people who would be inspired to make big changes, and they’d also inspire others to make big changes of their own. And there would be many, many more people who would be inspired to make small changes, and they would inspire many, many more people to make their own small changes. So, whether somebody makes a huge change, a big change, or just a small change, they’re still going to make a big difference.

“The Star Thrower” illustrates this perfectly: a boy was picking up starfish on the beach and throwing them back into the ocean so they wouldn’t die when someone came up and chastised him for doing that and said he wouldn’t be able to make much of a difference. In response, the boy picked a starfish up, threw it into the ocean, and said “I made a difference to that one!” With that one action, he saved more starfish than the person who told him he was wasting his time and he’d still have been a hero even if he had stopped there. But he kept at it and others around him joined in, including the critic, and together they saved all the starfish.

What would happen if that boy had said “You’re right” and given up? Then nobody else would have joined in and those starfish would have died. His positive attitude and persistence made all the difference. So don’t wait around for other people to solve problems and save the world. Find problems you can solve and then solve them yourself. Look at your own life, your own talents, and your own resources and see what positive changes you can make, even if they’re small changes. If you do that, then regardless of what anybody else does, you will have made things better. And in the process, you will inspire others to join in, and they’ll inspire still others to join in, and so on. So don’t wait for the change; be the change.

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Friendsgiving 2019

Posted on November 29, 2019 by admin

Yesterday, I got together with some of my swing dancing friends in St. Augustine for a special Thanksgiving celebration. “Friendsgiving”, as we called it, was a wonderful way to spend the day and I enjoyed every minute of it from beginning to end. Here are some of the things we did.

I was one of the last to arrive but managed to make it shortly before lunch began. When the food was ready, we sat down and feasted while listening to some music and enjoying each other’s company. A few others came in toward the end of lunch and, once everyone was there, we took a few pictures together before heading out to take more pictures at Flagler College and go for a nice walk around town. Then we headed back to change into some more comfortable clothes and watched The Princess Bride. I had seen most of it on several previous occasions but yesterday was the first time I’d watched the movie all the way through. We talked and visited some more after the movie ended before saying our good nights and parting ways.

In addition to being one of the best Thanksgiving celebrations I’ve ever had, Friendsgiving was also one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. It was wonderful to relax and visit with so many amazing people, including some whom I don’t get to see very often. Although it was just one day, it felt like we had spent several days with each other by the time it ended. Friendsgiving was a fantastic event and I’m so thankful that I got to be a part of it.

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