Be Careful

Be careful what you decide you know about other people. It’s easy to look at someone through a particular lens and think that you understand them fully. But do you truly know someone else’s intentions? Can you always determine their desires and their preferred outcomes from their actions? What if there are multiple possible explanations for why they would act or speak in a certain way? How do you know which one is right?

If you want to find out what someone thinks, start by asking them. Although that requires that they know what they think and answer honestly, it’s still a better approach than making assumptions. It’s true that they may not know their actual intentions; maybe they think they want one thing but they actually want something else. However, if even they don’t always know what they really want, how can you know it? When you can’t ask them what they think, try coming up with as many different possible explanations for their actions as possible. That way you can make the case to yourself for lots of different possibilities and won’t be stuck on any particular one. I’ve found that to be especially helpful with people who annoy me. If I can think of one or more explanations in which they do what they do because they have good intentions, then it makes it easier for me to remain open to hearing them out and avoid assuming the worst about them.

Try to give others the benefit of the doubt. This is one of the best ways to preserve your sanity and protect your mental health. And you’d surely appreciate others giving you the benefit of the doubt and giving you space to communicate your views, values, and intentions rather than assuming the worst of you. So when in doubt, ask, observe, and withhold judgment as long as possible. You’ll be glad you did.

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The Daily Stoic: “Sweat the Small Stuff”

Small victories, that’s what this entry from The Daily Stoic is all about. Although I disagree with the point about making your bed since I never make mine, I think the rest of this entry is spot on. Get the little things right and the big things will naturally fall into place. In most cases, it’s much easier (and also far less intimidating) to work on lots of small projects than on one giant project. Whenever I approach big tasks this way, I get through them before I know it and usually don’t get overly tired from them. If you’re having trouble getting things done, try this approach and see how it works for you.

“Well-being is realized by small steps, but is truly no small thing.”

-Zeno, quoted in Diogenes Laertius, Lives of the Eminent Philosophers, 7.1.26

The famous biographer Diogenes Laertius attributes this quote to Zeno but admits that it might have also been said by Socrates, meaning that it may be a quote of a quote of a quote. But does it really matter? Truth is truth.

In this case, the truth is one we know well: the little things add up. Someone is a good person not because they say they are, but because they take good actions. One does not magically get one’s act together – it is a matter of many individual choices. It’s a matter of getting up at the right time, making your bed, resisting shortcuts, investing in yourself, doing your work. And make no mistake: while the individual action is small, its cumulative impact is not.

Think about all the small choices that will roll themselves out in front of you today. Do you know which are the right way and which are the easy way? Choose the right way, and watch as all these little things add up toward transformation.

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The Garden of Life

Sometimes I have to hear a lesson several times before I start putting it into practice. I’ve come to think of this process as akin to gardening. Hearing the lesson once plants the seed. Hearing it several more times adds water, fertilizer, and sunlight. Water is the tears that come with failure and major challenges; fertilizer is all the hard stuff life throws at us to challenge us and make us grow; sunlight is gentle opportunities to practice the lesson as well as those nice times in life when everything feels right and flows effortlessly.

Those sunny, enjoyable times serve as important breaks from the rough times and remind us that we’ll be ok. Without those breaks, life would be unbearable for all but a handful of exceptionally determined people. When a break ends, we can reenter the more difficult times with a renewed sense of peace, determination, and hardiness. This lets us get the most out of the trying times and experience more personal growth than we otherwise could. Whatever tears we shed during those times cleanse our souls and help us make important decisions about what in our lives needs to be changed.

Although I have learned many lessons quickly, it’s more common for it to take me a while to get the hang of them. The quick way is often easy and the long way is often hard, though this isn’t always the case. Either way, if I learn a lesson the hard way, I never forget it. Whether they’re learned the easy way or the hard way, lessons are repeated until we learn them and pain is often part of the teaching. I’m more likely to notice and apply lessons that I hear from several different people, especially if they’re all saying the same thing despite not interacting with each other. I consider those to be moments of serendipity and I don’t want to miss out on what they have in store for me in the garden of my life.

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Being the Rubber Duck

I’ve decided to stop giving personal advice unless someone specifically asks for it. I was thinking about this at work recently. Some computer programmers keep a rubber duck on their desk. If they get stuck when they’re working on a project, they explain the problem to the duck. Talking through the problem with the duck often allows them to figure out a solution even though the duck doesn’t give them any advice. Although I have on occasion given good advice, most of the best “advice” I’ve given has come from being the rubber duck for whoever needed help. Listening empathically to them and being a safe person for them to air their concerns has allowed many people in my life to work through their problems and find workable solutions.

I’ve also realized that, unless I ask for it, I don’t like receiving advice. If I share my struggles with someone, most of the time I’m just looking for support and compassion rather than guidance. I love receiving advice when I ask for it and I dislike getting it when I don’t ask for it. This realization has made it easier for me to refrain from giving or even offering advice and just being there for whoever is talking to me.

This has been a profound mindset shift for me. For most of my life, I felt like I wasn’t helping someone who was struggling if I couldn’t give them useful advice. Now I realize that often the best thing I can do to help them is listen to and hold space for them. Most people who open up to me just want to share what’s on their mind with someone who will be understanding and kind to them rather than be told what to do. This has taken a great deal of pressure off of me as I no longer feel the need to fix people. I now give them plenty of space to decide for themselves what they think is the best course of action. As a result, I feel much better and don’t get nearly as tired from my personal interactions as I once did. I’m still going to share stuff that helps me on this blog and my social media but when it comes to one-on-one interactions, I’ll listen to someone who opens up to me and only give advice if they ask for it. That’s worked out wonderfully so far and I look forward to seeing what it will accomplish moving forward.

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Logical Fallacies and Other Conversation Stoppers

This is a short list of things that bring conversations to a halt and tend to turn them into hostile exchanges. While this is not an exhaustive list, it is a list of issues I frequently see and which frustrate me whenever someone uses them in one of my conversations. For the sake of intellectual honesty, civility, and the growth of all participants and onlookers, these should be avoided at all costs.

  1. Red herring: A point that is irrelevant to the subject at hand. The red herring may be interesting or relevant elsewhere, and thus may warrant another conversation, but serves only to distract from the main point (either intentionally or unintentionally) in the present conversation.
  2. Strawman: Intentionally misrepresenting the other person’s point and then arguing against that misrepresentation as if one were arguing against their point. It’s often easier to argue against a strawman or use one to make someone look bad, making it a popular tactic for uninformed or unscrupulous debaters.
  3. Gish gallop: Blurting out tons of arguments in a short time (without caring if the arguments are sound) in an attempt to overwhelm the other person. Whoever is more assertive and talks or types faster has the advantage with this fallacy. Often accompanied by interrupting the other person while they’re still addressing the first argument.
  4. Loaded question: Trying to trick someone into giving an answer that is inaccurate. For example, asking a friend if he still hates himself. If he says yes, then it implies that he once hated himself. If he says no, then it implies that he has hated and is continuing to hate himself. The framing of the question disregards the possibility that he has never hated himself.
  5. Appeal to authority: Stating that one’s position must be correct because one is an expert on that subject or is quoting someone who is. Even if someone is an expert in a particular subject, they don’t know everything about it and may be wrong.
  6. False dichotomy: Assuming that there are only two available options when there are actually more options from which to choose. This needlessly limits the range of conversation and reinforces constrained thinking rather than facilitating thinking outside the box.
  7. Post hoc ergo propter hoc: Thinking that because one event followed another, the first event must have caused the second event. Ignores the possibility that the two events could be totally unrelated and that the second event may have been caused by something else. For example, someone who gets an idea after hitting their head and thinks that hitting their head gave them the idea; they may still have gotten that idea even if they hadn’t hit their head.
  8. Assuming that someone is incorrect on a particular subject because they are cruel and want other people to suffer. Even if they are truly cruel, they may still be correct about the subject at hand and someone else who is caring may be incorrect about that subject. However, they may have arrived at their opinions because they are a caring person and think that their ideas will make everyone better off. Disagreeing over means to an end doesn’t necessarily mean disagreeing over the end itself.
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Some Recent Thoughts About Online Communication

I had a recent realization that may explain why online communication can so easily become hostile. Online communication consists mostly of text and has a small amount of audio and video. Posts, comments, questions, answers, and arguments almost are almost entirely done through typing. This is problematic because it prevents one participant from seeing how another looks and how they sound while they’re conversing. A lot of information that is normally communicated through facial expressions, body language, and quality of voice is lost this way, making it much easier to misunderstand something or assume the worst about someone.

If the internet were arranged such that most communication came in the form of either live or recorded videos that allowed participants to see and hear each other instead of simply reading text, then I think there’d be much more civility in online discussions. It would probably also be much harder for trolls and other troublemakers to wreak havoc while hiding behind fake profiles. Sincerity and trolling would both require much more effort and I think sincerity would have a good chance of winning out.

This arrangement may or may not work out as I imagine it would and I’m not advocating for trying it. I just wanted to share something that’s been on my mind lately and see what you think about it. Although I find it easier to share my thoughts and speak my mind through text, I prefer to have important conversations in person because it’s much easier that way for everyone involved to see what’s going on and avoid misunderstandings that could easily occur online. What do you think about all of this? Leave a comment if you like and I will see you in the next post. Take care.

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Shiny Objects

After the second Matrix movie debuted, some fans came up with an interesting idea. They began to suspect that everyone in Zion was actually still in the matrix. Instead of being free, they were trapped in a second level designed to make them think they had escaped. Even though the third movie showed that this wasn’t the case, I’ve always been intrigued by this idea and I think there is an inverse of this concept that pertains to self-improvement.

I’ve learned a lot of useful stuff in a pretty short amount of time. Things that help me communicate more effectively with other people, reduce my anxiety, strengthen my immune system, get more accomplished in less time, etc. Despite knowing all this stuff, I realized when I wrote about my best life hacks that I don’t always use everything I know even when it would come in handy. I tend to focus more on learning new life hacks than on using what I’ve already learned. My mindfulness buddy dubbed this “shiny object syndrome”. It’s an issue we both face.

How does this pertain to the Matrix theory? In this case, rather than being stuck despite feeling free as in the Matrix theory, I’m feeling stuck even though I can be free whenever I want. I know enough to be able to pick the locks, open the doors, and walk out anytime. Yet more often than not, I get caught up searching for new stuff in the hopes that the next thing will set me free. The more I look elsewhere for freedom, the more I forget that I’m already holding the key.

It’s fine to add more tools to my toolbag but I don’t want to get so caught up in adding more tools that I stop using the ones I already have. There is a lot I can fix, take apart, and put back together in new ways with just a few good tools and a lot of work. I’ve been neglecting those tools for a long time now and it shows. So now I’m going to resume using what I’ve got to help me with anxiety, relaxation, productivity, meditation, insights, and more. I’m excited to see what that does for me and I hope this has been helpful for you.

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The Daily Stoic: “If You Want to Learn, Be Humble”

I needed this reminder from The Daily Stoic. Whenever I start thinking I know more than I do, almost inevitably something happens that reminds me how much I don’t know. Usually the reminders are gentle but sometimes they are harsh. This entry was a gentle reminder to stay humble and be open to new ideas and other opinions.

“Throw out your conceited opinions, for it is impossible for a person to begin to learn what he thinks he already knows.”

Epictetus, Discourses, 2.17.1

Of all the Stoics, Epictetus is the closest one to a true teacher. He had a school. He hosted classes. In fact, his wisdom is passed down to us through a student who took really good lecture notes. One of the things that frustrated Epictetus about philosophy students – and has frustrated all college professors since time began – is how students claim to want to be taught but really secretly believe they already know everything.

The reality is that we’re all guilty of thinking we know it all, and we’d all learn more if we could set that attitude aside. As smart or successful as we may be, there is always someone who is smarter, more successful, and wiser than us. Emerson put it well: “Every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him.”

If you want to learn, if you want to improve your life, seeking out teachers, philosophers, and great books is a good start. But this approach will only be effective if you’re humble and ready to let go of opinions you already have.

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Look for Common Ground

I often see people begin a conversation by talking about their points of disagreement rather than their points of agreement. I understand this tendency as I used to begin many conversations like this for years. My experience showed me that this is a horrible approach as it makes civil conversations much more difficult and, in some cases, downright impossible. Starting with points of disagreement tends to put the other person on the defensive, especially if they have woven their personal identity into their views. If they think their views are being attacked, they’ll feel personally attacked and react to save their identity from demise. From there, the conversation can rapidly devolve into yelling, name calling, interruptions, deliberate mischaracterizations of each other’s views, and perhaps even violence. By failing to start by looking for common ground, they are more likely to see each other as enemies, and almost nobody can have a civil conversation with someone they consider to be an enemy.

In contrast, starting with common ground humanizes everyone and shows them that they are more similar than they initially thought. This gets things off to a great start and allows them to have a civil conversation on any number of subjects. Even points of disagreement will be easier to discuss since they started off well, enjoyed talking about things they have in common, and now see each other as friendly acquaintances rather than enemies.

Although I understand the value of starting from common ground, it’s still difficult for me to do at times, especially when I’m upset or talking about sensitive subjects. When I’m in a good place mentally, I can notice that I’m starting to get worked up and take a moment to breathe and remember to focus on common ground. Some days, though, this is much harder to do; it’s on those days that starting with common ground becomes that much more important. That’s when I try to detach from the conversation enough to regain my composure, remember that the other person isn’t my enemy, and ask them some open-ended questions to learn more about their perspective and give myself some time to relax. That usually does the trick and gets the conversation back on track. If you haven’t already adopted this approach, I highly recommend trying it out and seeing firsthand what it can do for your conversations.

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April Fool’s Day: The Longest Joke in the World

It’s April Fool’s Day once again. I didn’t plan a blog post earlier and it’s late at night right now, so I’m just going to include a link to the world’s longest joke. Since it’s well over 10,000 words long, I decided against copying it and pasting it into this post. Even if you don’t find the joke funny, you might still enjoy reading it as it is a pretty interesting short story in its own right. That’s about all I’ve got to say so without further ado, enjoy the world’s longest joke!

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