The Value of “Begin With the End in Mind”

Posted on July 15, 2020 by admin

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Habit 2 is Begin with the End in Mind. By this, Stephen Covey literally means the end of your life. He tells you to imagine your funeral and notice who is there and what they say about you. In other words, think about the people you’ve impacted in your life and the legacy you have left behind. This exercise is intended to make you think about how you’re living your life, the way you’re affecting the people close to you, where you’re going, and whether or not those things are in line with how you want to live.

Although I regularly use this habit, I rarely think so far ahead. I mostly use it during difficult seasons of life (such as the one I’ve been going through lately) to figure out where I want to be when that season ends and the next one begins. I think something along the lines of “Ok, once all these emotions I’m feeling settle down, my thoughts stop racing, and I’m in a calmer state of mind, how do I want this situation to be resolved and what can I do to make that happen?” It’s easy to make bad decisions when my emotions are running high and I’m thinking a lot of negative thoughts. Thinking ahead to my desired outcome helps me take a step back, zoom out, and work from a higher perspective so that I don’t make permanent decisions that I’ll later regret based on my temporary emotions.

Keeping that higher perspective in mind by thinking about what I ultimately want out of a given situation allows me to make decisions that my past self would want me to make, my present self can accept, and my future self can be grateful that I made. It’s a way to cut through the emotions and thoughts as well as the feeling of being trapped in a situation I dislike and it lets me look ahead to a better future. Once I have that future in mind, then I can come up with a plan to get there and begin executing that plan step by step until I’ve arrived at my destination.

Habit 2 has done so much good for me as of late and I’m glad I remembered it when I needed it. I hope this has also been helpful for you. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is full of incredibly useful stuff like this. It’s my favorite self-improvement book and I’ve gotten more out of it than any other self-improvement book I’ve ever read. If you haven’t already checked it out, I highly recommend you do so.

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How to Be Leisurely Productive

Posted on July 8, 2020 by admin

Which is a better way to get things done: stretching tasks out over a long period time or trying to get everything done as quickly as possible? My answer is neither. As is usual for me, I’ve found a middle way that works better than either extreme. I call it being leisurely productive.

My process is pretty simple. I just move at a relaxed pace throughout the day and typically alternate between doing something productive (such as practicing my Spanish) and doing something leisurely (such as watching an entertaining YouTube video). I don’t always alternate between the two types of tasks; sometimes I juggle and unicycle back to back with no break in between or go straight from playing a computer game to watching a YouTube video. Either way, I move at a steady pace and refrain from trying to get everything done at once. This way I can get a lot of stuff done while still enjoying my day and having plenty of time to relax so that I avoid getting overly stressed or burnt out.

I do this a lot with my writing. I prefer to write my blog posts a little bit at a time over several days instead of writing them all in one day. Several of my posts begin as voice recordings on my phone. That’s usually the first day. The second day involves typing everything out without making too many changes right away; my goal at that point is to just get the words written. Sometimes I’m satisfied with that and publish the post as it is. Usually I spend more time editing it before I hit publish. This process allows me to write a lot on a regular basis without feeling overwhelmed because I divide the work into small chunks and work on one or more chunks each day for several days.

Perhaps the most important point in all of this is that I allow myself to do what I feel like I need in the moment. If I’m exhausted and need to lie down for a while, I don’t try to force myself to be productive or hate myself for having to take a break. Instead, I recognize when I need to slow down and don’t beat myself up for it. That way, when I’ve rested up, I’m ready to accomplish my next task. In addition to preventing me from feeling bad about myself, this also gives me the energy I need to get a lot of stuff done. It’s much easier to be highly productive when I’m rested and at peace with myself than when I’m tired and being hard on myself. Keep this in mind if you decide to try this for yourself as it can make all the difference.

I mostly think about being leisurely productive on my days off but I still do it on my work days, either before or after my shift depending on my work schedule. It’s a nice way to get a lot of stuff done in a timely manner without wearing myself out and still leaving myself plenty of time to smell the flowers. And if I don’t feel like doing a particular task, I find another one to do in that moment and I complete the original task later on when I feel like doing it. I often don’t realize how much I’ve accomplished this way until I get to the end of the day and look back. It often feels like each day lasts two or three days and I much prefer that to feeling like I don’t have enough time to do everything in one day. Being leisurely productive works really well for me and I encourage you to try it if it sounds appealing to you as well.

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How to Handle Emotions?

Posted on July 1, 2020 by admin

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about different approaches to emotions. One approach says that you should feel whatever emotions come up, allow them to be, and avoid trying to suppress them, repress them, or force them to be anything other than what they are. Emotions are there for a reason: they’re tools that can help us and we should listen to them when we come up, even if they’re emotions that are commonly seen as negative such as anger, sadness, depression, frustration, jealously, etc. This approach maintains that there’s no such thing as a bad emotion. Some emotions may be unpleasant to experience but ultimately they’re not negative because those emotions may be there to protect us from things that could hurt us, motivate us to do the right thing, and so on. Another approach that says that our emotions shouldn’t control us, we should control them. We should be able to change our emotions if we want so that we can get into a good mood if we’re in a bad mood and not be weighted down so much by stuff in life. In Buddhism, there’s the notion that suffering comes from attachments and suffering can be ended while we’re still alive (this is known as, “enlightenment” which is often used to mean “no suffering”) through breaking attachments.

I understand both approaches and there are things that make sense to me about both. Which one I like better depends on what’s going on within me. I’m going through a hard time right now and in my worst moments, I think that it would be nice to not feel anything just so that I could avoid feeling so bad. It would be nice if these unpleasant emotions were just not there any longer. I feel like I’m always telling them “I get it, I’m going through a hard time and I have a pretty good idea as to why. Now can you please leave me alone so I can feel ok?” Times like these make the idea of being free from suffering and not having to deal with sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, and so on seem like a pretty good deal.

There are other times, though, in which dealing with any particular emotion seems like a good thing. If I’m feeling happy or joyful or even just feeling at peace, then I’m grateful to be able to feel something, even unpleasant emotions. In those moments, trying to avoid suffering by getting rid of all emotional attachments seems inhuman to me (such as what I’ve written before about how our emotions separate us from machines). The idea of not experiencing certain emotions seems to me to require not experiencing any emotions at all or being completely detached from them, and that doesn’t sound like any way to live. I get what Buddhism says about attachments leading to suffering, but what is the solution? Just don’t form attachments? Don’t get attached to the people I love and don’t get attached to activities that make me feel happy and alive? I may be coming at this the wrong way. Maybe those with this perspective mean something different than what I think they mean but that’s how it comes across to me.

Not having attachments or expectations as a way to avoid feeling down and to avoid unpleasant emotions doesn’t sound like a life I’d enjoy. A different approach that sounds much better to me is having my expectations set at a more reasonable level, such as expecting there to be a lot more traffic during rush hour than other times of the day so that I’m not surprised or frustrated by getting stuck in traffic. However, while that approach may work well in some situations, I don’t think it works well in all situations. Where should my expectations be set for a movie that I’m really looking forward to watching? Should I have low expectations so that I avoid being disappointed if it turns out to be less good than I was hoping it’d be? Should I have my expectations set high and maybe risk being disappointed?

I don’t have answers at this point. This post is not building toward a particular conclusion that I think solves this whole puzzle. I might get there someday but today is not that day. This is just me sharing where I’m at now and what I think about all this. And maybe, like my answer with just about everything else, some middle ground with a balance between each of the above approaches is the way to go. What that balance is and how to get there, I don’t know. Right now that’s just an idea I have. To close, Bob Ross once talked about how you have to have both light and dark in painting as well as in life and that we need a little sadness once in a while to know when the good times come. Like Ross in that clip, I’m also waiting on the good times now and I hope they come soon.

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Exploiting Glitches in the Matrix

Posted on June 24, 2020 by admin

I’ve always been fascinated by people who’ve done things differently. Those who fall into line and do things exactly as everyone else does them have never impressed me. They don’t do anything differently, accomplish anything great, or stand out in any way. They’re so trapped by the boundaries of their culture that they never step or even think outside the box. In contrast, the people I love learning about understand that those boundaries are only imaginary, so they’ve been able to do things that most others would consider impossible.

Ashrita Furman holds more Guinness World Records than anyone else and is always looking to transcend his limits by breaking more records. Wim Hof does incredible feats of endurance in frigid temperatures and has a great deal of control over both his body and his mind by using special breathing techniques. David Goggins pushes himself as far as he can with everything he sets out to do, whether that’s extreme distance running or stretching out for hours every day. They each show, in their own ways, just how far the human body can be pushed and what it can accomplish.

Transcending artificial limitations also applies to interactions with others. It’s commonly thought that people can’t be talked out of hateful views, yet that’s exactly what Daryl Davis has been doing with members of the KKK for decades. In a similar way but from a different starting point, Christian Picciolini and Megan Phelps-Roper left their past lives behind and have dedicated themselves to helping others follow suit. All three of them work miracles through communication and inspire others to do the same.

These are just some of the many people who show that mental limitations are our greatest obstacle. Think something is impossible? You’ve set yourself up to fail at it by giving up after trying it once or refusing to try it at all. Think you can do something? Then you’ll stick with it long enough to find a way to make it work. Those with the problem-solving mindset accomplish tremendous things while those with the mindset that sees every difficult task as impossible are trapped in the small, narrow, limited world they’ve created for themselves. Because everyone who exploits the glitches in the Matrix is also human, they show that you don’t have to have it all together before you can do great things. Many outliers wear their flaws on their sleeve but that doesn’t stop them from doing what they do. If anything, complete self-acceptance allows them to make a difference while also serving as an example for those who may struggle to love themselves. It shows that they can keep one foot in their current reality and the other foot in the reality they wish to create, thereby acting as a bridge between the two and attracting those who wish to join them. Here’s to all those who see through the the programming, master the game, and stick around to show us how it’s done.

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Wu Wei: The Art of Effortless Action

Posted on June 17, 2020 by admin

In the first Star Wars movie, Princess Leia says the following quote to Grand Moff Tarkin: “The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.” You may be familiar with this notion if you’ve ever tried to hold onto a fistful of sand. If you squeeze it, you’ll lose a lot more sand than if you relax your hand and just let it sit in your palm. This relates to a concept I’ve learned about within the past year called wu wei. Often translated as “effortless action”, wu wei is an important concept in Confuscianism and Taoism. It’s all about being in the moment, getting out of your own way. and entering the state of flow.

The idea that the harder you pursue something, the less likely you are to get it applies to many things in life. If you’re always pursuing happiness, then you’ll always feel like you don’t have it and you’ll be anything but happy. Happiness comes from letting go and not constantly wanting everything around you to unfold in a certain way. The same goes for relaxation. The harder you try to make yourself relax, the more tense and stressed you’ll feel. When you stop trying to relax, then you become relaxed. I’ve found this to be the case when I try to speak. If I’m searching hard to find the ideal words, arrange them perfectly, and say them just right, then I can barely get a word out. The more I let go and allow the words to flow out of me, the more articulate I become. This also applies to my writing; a lot of ideas come to me when I’m not looking for them, such as when I’m meditating, floating, or just going about my day.

This is extremely counter-intuitive for a lot of people, especially those who grow up in the West and are taught from a young age that they have to try hard to get what they want. It’s incredibly common in the West to hear that you have to go after what you want with all your might and if you don’t have it, it just means that you’re not trying hard enough. While some purposeful action toward a desired goal is important, too much can backfire. Those who are always worried about their health often get sick more easily than those who take good care of themselves without stressing over everything. People who spend every spare moment exercising tend to get injured and have to take a lot of time off to recover, making them worse off than those who work out less while still exercising enough to make progress. So be careful how hard you push yourself when you pursue a goal. You might be doing yourself more harm than good if you’re pushing yourself so hard toward what you want that your efforts end up pushing you farther away from it.

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How to Step Outside of Ideologies

Posted on June 10, 2020 by admin

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to back away from ideologies, both the ones that I grew up with and the ones I adopted on my own. I don’t know if I’m completely free from them now but they don’t have as strong a hold on me as they once did. These are some things I’ve found helpful for stepping outside of ideologies and seeing things that I would otherwise have missed.

  1. Detach from any ideologies you may have. Remember that you’re a human that has ideas, not ideas that have a human. This applies equally to everyone else, even people who couldn’t disagree more with you.
  2. Realize that things you like may be false and things you dislike may be true.
  3. Consider that everything you know and believe may be wrong. Go further with this by arguing as best as you can against your positions and for the opposing positions.
  4. Listen patiently. Speak carefully and only after much quiet contemplation.
  5. Sit with whatever information comes your way without judging it until you understand it fully. Seek out people who seem to understand that information and can explain it in ways that make sense to you.
  6. Avoid false dichotomies; something can be both/and rather than either/or. You don’t have to agree with something you find abhorrent or reject something you find wonderful just because there’s an ideology that says you have to. Similarly, you can hold two perspectives that aren’t often paired with each other if they both make sense to you.
  7. Slowly put the pieces of the puzzle together as you find them. Be prepared to rearrange them anytime it appears you’ve made a mistake or whenever you gain a new piece that makes you rethink things.
  8. Look for the picture that appears to be true, not the one that you want to be true. If multiple pictures are plausible, then either keep searching until you find the true one or be content with not knowing.
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Be Careful

Posted on June 3, 2020 by admin

Be careful what you decide you know about other people. It’s easy to look at someone through a particular lens and think that you understand them fully. But do you truly know someone else’s intentions? Can you always determine their desires and their preferred outcomes from their actions? What if there are multiple possible explanations for why they would act or speak in a certain way? How do you know which one is right?

If you want to find out what someone thinks, start by asking them. Although that requires that they know what they think and answer honestly, it’s still a better approach than making assumptions. It’s true that they may not know their actual intentions; maybe they think they want one thing but they actually want something else. However, if even they don’t always know what they really want, how can you know it? When you can’t ask them what they think, try coming up with as many different possible explanations for their actions as possible. That way you can make the case to yourself for lots of different possibilities and won’t be stuck on any particular one. I’ve found that to be especially helpful with people who annoy me. If I can think of one or more explanations in which they do what they do because they have good intentions, then it makes it easier for me to remain open to hearing them out and avoid assuming the worst about them.

Try to give others the benefit of the doubt. This is one of the best ways to preserve your sanity and protect your mental health. And you’d surely appreciate others giving you the benefit of the doubt and giving you space to communicate your views, values, and intentions rather than assuming the worst of you. So when in doubt, ask, observe, and withhold judgment as long as possible. You’ll be glad you did.

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The Daily Stoic: “Sweat the Small Stuff”

Posted on May 27, 2020 by admin

Small victories, that’s what this entry from The Daily Stoic is all about. Although I disagree with the point about making your bed since I never make mine, I think the rest of this entry is spot on. Get the little things right and the big things will naturally fall into place. In most cases, it’s much easier (and also far less intimidating) to work on lots of small projects than on one giant project. Whenever I approach big tasks this way, I get through them before I know it and usually don’t get overly tired from them. If you’re having trouble getting things done, try this approach and see how it works for you.

“Well-being is realized by small steps, but is truly no small thing.”

-Zeno, quoted in Diogenes Laertius, Lives of the Eminent Philosophers, 7.1.26

The famous biographer Diogenes Laertius attributes this quote to Zeno but admits that it might have also been said by Socrates, meaning that it may be a quote of a quote of a quote. But does it really matter? Truth is truth.

In this case, the truth is one we know well: the little things add up. Someone is a good person not because they say they are, but because they take good actions. One does not magically get one’s act together – it is a matter of many individual choices. It’s a matter of getting up at the right time, making your bed, resisting shortcuts, investing in yourself, doing your work. And make no mistake: while the individual action is small, its cumulative impact is not.

Think about all the small choices that will roll themselves out in front of you today. Do you know which are the right way and which are the easy way? Choose the right way, and watch as all these little things add up toward transformation.

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The Garden of Life

Posted on May 20, 2020 by admin

Sometimes I have to hear a lesson several times before I start putting it into practice. I’ve come to think of this process as akin to gardening. Hearing the lesson once plants the seed. Hearing it several more times adds water, fertilizer, and sunlight. Water is the tears that come with failure and major challenges; fertilizer is all the hard stuff life throws at us to challenge us and make us grow; sunlight is gentle opportunities to practice the lesson as well as those nice times in life when everything feels right and flows effortlessly.

Those sunny, enjoyable times serve as important breaks from the rough times and remind us that we’ll be ok. Without those breaks, life would be unbearable for all but a handful of exceptionally determined people. When a break ends, we can reenter the more difficult times with a renewed sense of peace, determination, and hardiness. This lets us get the most out of the trying times and experience more personal growth than we otherwise could. Whatever tears we shed during those times cleanse our souls and help us make important decisions about what in our lives needs to be changed.

Although I have learned many lessons quickly, it’s more common for it to take me a while to get the hang of them. The quick way is often easy and the long way is often hard, though this isn’t always the case. Either way, if I learn a lesson the hard way, I never forget it. Whether they’re learned the easy way or the hard way, lessons are repeated until we learn them and pain is often part of the teaching. I’m more likely to notice and apply lessons that I hear from several different people, especially if they’re all saying the same thing despite not interacting with each other. I consider those to be moments of serendipity and I don’t want to miss out on what they have in store for me in the garden of my life.

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Being the Rubber Duck

Posted on May 13, 2020 by admin

I’ve decided to stop giving personal advice unless someone specifically asks for it. I was thinking about this at work recently. Some computer programmers keep a rubber duck on their desk. If they get stuck when they’re working on a project, they explain the problem to the duck. Talking through the problem with the duck often allows them to figure out a solution even though the duck doesn’t give them any advice. Although I have on occasion given good advice, most of the best “advice” I’ve given has come from being the rubber duck for whoever needed help. Listening empathically to them and being a safe person for them to air their concerns has allowed many people in my life to work through their problems and find workable solutions.

I’ve also realized that, unless I ask for it, I don’t like receiving advice. If I share my struggles with someone, most of the time I’m just looking for support and compassion rather than guidance. I love receiving advice when I ask for it and I dislike getting it when I don’t ask for it. This realization has made it easier for me to refrain from giving or even offering advice and just being there for whoever is talking to me.

This has been a profound mindset shift for me. For most of my life, I felt like I wasn’t helping someone who was struggling if I couldn’t give them useful advice. Now I realize that often the best thing I can do to help them is listen to and hold space for them. Most people who open up to me just want to share what’s on their mind with someone who will be understanding and kind to them rather than be told what to do. This has taken a great deal of pressure off of me as I no longer feel the need to fix people. I now give them plenty of space to decide for themselves what they think is the best course of action. As a result, I feel much better and don’t get nearly as tired from my personal interactions as I once did. I’m still going to share stuff that helps me on this blog and my social media but when it comes to one-on-one interactions, I’ll listen to someone who opens up to me and only give advice if they ask for it. That’s worked out wonderfully so far and I look forward to seeing what it will accomplish moving forward.

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