Acting in Haste

Acting in haste can be hard to avoid, especially if it’s a habit that you’ve had for most of your life. Even though habits can be changed, doing so takes a lot of time, energy, and intention. It also involves getting past the ego and that is often the hardest task of all.

Once something is said, it can’t be taken back. It can be forgiven if there is willingness on the part of the recipient and this could be an opportunity for the relationship to grow by working through conflict. However, don’t say things out of anger for the express purpose of creating an opportunity to work through something. If you truly want to improve a relationship, then your ego must be quiet for you to succeed.

This doesn’t mean you can never express your feelings. All it means is that it’s best to do so in a mindful way. There is likely a way to word what’s on your mind so that your intentions are clear while still staying true to your feelings. You could also try describing what you’re feeling in your emotions and your physical body rather than attacking or blaming the other person.

Something I’ve found helpful is to think about what I feel like saying and how I’ll probably feel about having said it later on based on past experience in similar situations. If I’ll regret saying it later, then I do my best to avoid saying it in the present. This is difficult to do in the heat of the moment but it gets easier with practice and it’s worth doing as it prevents so many problems.

This post was inspired by a recent example of me acting in haste based off an assumption and saying something I regretted. Fortunately I reconciled with the other person and I’ve worked through most of my own emotions around the situation so it was a good learning experience for me. One that, I hope, will be the final time I make that mistake. I hope you also learn from my experience so that you don’t have to make the same mistake for yourself.

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A Rare Opportunity

This year has brought up a lot of intense emotions for just about everybody. As such, it has presented a rare opportunity to discuss the collective unconscious. This is a concept developed by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. Jung postulated that everyone has a collection of unwanted (though not necessarily bad) thoughts, memories, and emotions buried deeply in the unconscious mind. He called this the shadow and believed that the more someone ignores their shadow, the more they are controlled by it. Some people are entirely possessed by their shadows. The proper thing to do, according to Jung, is to become aware of the shadow and work through everything in it. Doing so would make one whole by reconciling opposing aspects of the personality and bringing a deep sense of peace.

How can one find out what’s in one’s shadow? This can easily be done by looking at other people and observing how one responds. The things that most upset us in others are the things that we most dislike about ourselves. Therefore, observing oneself when feeling angered, saddened, or frustrated by what someone else does is an important self-awareness practice. Healing that part of the shadow means being free to choose one’s response to related external events rather than being forced into an unconscious reaction based on pain.

In addition to our own individual shadows, Jung stated that there is a collective unconscious created by what is left unobserved within ourselves. When large numbers of people fight (either verbally or physically), refuse to listen to or understand each other, and take sides as if preparing for war, that’s the collective unconscious in action. Healing both the personal and the collective unconscious is essential for the healing of individuals, families, societies, and, ultimately, the world. Tremendous pain often motivates one to pursue serious healing. Minor or even moderate pain can be tolerated for a lifetime but severe pain cannot. If there were ever a year that brought about enough pain to motivate entire populations to pursue personal and collective healing, it would be this year.

Will it pan out that way? It might. Every person who diligently pursues healing moves us all a little closer to that destination. Everyone who heals enough to respond to negativity with positivity, see the underlying pain in someone who is acting harshly, be fully present with those around them, and teach this to others who are interested in learning it acts as a beacon of light and hope. Light is brightest in the darkness and there has been a lot of darkness coming up all throughout this year. Unlearned lessons will be repeated until they’re learned and the situations through which they appear will become increasingly more unpleasant until the messages are received. Please, let’s prevent that from happening. Let’s all learn both our personal and collective lessons so that this will have been the first year of unprecedented growth rather than the first year of unprecedented downfall.

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The Blind Men and the Elephant

I’ve loved this story for many years now. This particular version came from the Peace Corps website. All the versions I’ve read show the trouble of trying to understanding something while only having one piece of the puzzle. It’s a great reminder for me to consider other perspectives and share my own thoughts with others so that everyone can benefit.

Long ago six old men lived in a village in India. Each was born blind. The other villagers loved the old men and kept them away from harm. Since the blind men could not see the world for themselves, they had to imagine many of its wonders. They listened carefully to the stories told by travelers to learn what they could about life outside the village.

The men were curious about many of the stories they heard, but they were most curious about elephants. They were told that elephants could trample forests, carry huge burdens, and frighten young and old with their loud trumpet calls. But they also knew that the Rajah’s daughter rode an elephant when she traveled in her father’s kingdom. Would the Rajah let his daughter get near such a dangerous creature?

The old men argued day and night about elephants. “An elephant must be a powerful giant,” claimed the first blind man. He had heard stories about elephants being used to clear forests and build roads.

“No, you must be wrong,” argued the second blind man. “An elephant must be graceful and gentle if a princess is to ride on its back.”

“You’re wrong! I have heard that an elephant can pierce a man’s heart with its terrible horn,” said the third blind man.

“Please,” said the fourth blind man. “You are all mistaken. An elephant is nothing more than a large sort of cow. You know how people exaggerate.”

“I am sure that an elephant is something magical,” said the fifth blind man. “That would explain why the Rajah’s daughter can travel safely throughout the kingdom.”

“I don’t believe elephants exist at all,” declared the sixth blind man. “I think we are the victims of a cruel joke.”

Finally, the villagers grew tired of all the arguments, and they arranged for the curious men to visit the palace of the Rajah to learn the truth about elephants. A young boy from their village was selected to guide the blind men on their journey. The smallest man put his hand on the boy’s shoulder. The second blind man put his hand on his friend’s shoulder, and so on until all six men were ready to walk safely behind the boy who would lead them to the Rajah’s magnificent palace.

When the blind men reached the palace, they were greeted by an old friend from their village who worked as a gardener on the palace grounds. Their friend led them to the courtyard. There stood an elephant. The blind men stepped forward to touch the creature that was the subject of so many arguments.

The first blind man reached out and touched the side of the huge animal. “An elephant is smooth and solid like a wall!” he declared. “It must be very powerful.”

The second blind man put his hand on the elephant’s limber trunk. “An elephant is like a giant snake,” he announced.

The third blind man felt the elephant’s pointed tusk. “I was right,” he decided. “This creature is as sharp and deadly as a spear.”

The fourth blind man touched one of the elephant’s four legs. “What we have here,” he said, “is an extremely large cow.”

The fifth blind man felt the elephant’s giant ear. “I believe an elephant is like a huge fan or maybe a magic carpet that can fly over mountains and treetops,” he said.

The sixth blind man gave a tug on the elephant’s coarse tail. “Why, this is nothing more than a piece of old rope. Dangerous, indeed,” he scoffed.

The gardener led his friends to the shade of a tree. “Sit here and rest for the long journey home,” he said. “I will bring you some water to drink.”

While they waited, the six blind men talked about the elephant.

“An elephant is like a wall,” said the first blind man. “Surely we can finally agree on that.”

“A wall? An elephant is a giant snake!” answered the second blind man.

“It’s a spear, I tell you,” insisted the third blind man.

“I’m certain it’s a giant cow,” said the fourth blind man.

“Magic carpet. There’s no doubt,” said the fifth blind man.

“Don’t you see?” pleaded the sixth blind man. “Someone used a rope to trick us.”

Their argument continued and their shouts grew louder and louder.

“Wall!” “Snake!” “Spear!” “Cow!” “Carpet!” “Rope!”

“Stop shouting!” called a very angry voice.

It was the Rajah, awakened from his nap by the noisy argument.

“How can each of you be so certain you are right?” asked the ruler.

The six blind men considered the question. And then, knowing the Rajah to be a very wise man, they decided to say nothing at all.

“The elephant is a very large animal,” said the Rajah kindly. “Each man touched only one part. Perhaps if you put the parts together, you will see the truth. Now, let me finish my nap in peace.”

When their friend returned to the garden with the cool water, the six men rested quietly in the shade, thinking about the Rajah’s advice.

“He is right,” said the first blind man. “To learn the truth, we must put all the parts together. Let’s discuss this on the journey home.”

The first blind man put his hand on the shoulder of the young boy who would guide them home. The second blind man put a hand on his friend’s shoulder, and so on until all six men were ready to travel together.

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The Middle Way

What happens if two people have apparently conflicting ideas or plans? In many cases nowadays, the result is verbal sparring and possibly even a violent altercation. When the conflict ends, they are further apart than they were before it started, both in terms of their thinking and in terms of their relationship. This is completely unnecessary and can (and should) be replaced by a concept that I love called the Middle way.

Rather than being a compromise, middle ground, or halfway point between two undesirable positions, the Middle Way (also known as the Third Way) is more accurately described as a better, higher way than the two options that were initially offered. It entails hearing each other out, finding out everyone’s desires and needs, and then working together to find a better solution than what anybody can come up with alone.

It can be difficult to do this. After all, if I’m certain that I have the perfect solution to a particular problem, then I’d view any other solution as less than ideal. As long as my perfect solution is close to being as implementable as other, lesser solutions, then why go for anything less than perfection? That’s the trouble with thinking that I’ve got all the answers; such a mindset prevents me from learning anything by listening to other people. It’s important to keep in mind that every one of us knows something that somebody else doesn’t and if we put our heads together, we can figure out a better way than anything any one of us could come up with alone. It takes a great deal of humility, patience, and willingness to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

Unfortunately, that is a pretty rare combination, especially in the most important decisions. What’s far more common is to see people talking past each other, fighting with each other over misunderstandings rather than clarifying them, and getting nothing done. No wonder there are so many problems in the world that remain to be solved. There are plenty of difficult problems out there but any problem becomes easier if people work together effectively to solve it rather than waste time fighting over things that ultimately don’t matter.

Stephen Covey dedicates a good bit of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to the Middle Way. He describes it as a combination of Habit 4 (Think Win/Win), Habit 5 (Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood), and Habit 6 (Synergize). Once two people have decided to seek mutually beneficial outcomes and listened to each other enough to know where they are both coming from, they can work together to find incredibly effective solutions. That was how I first learned about the Middle Way and I find it to be an incredibly helpful way to remember it. I’ve gotten better over time at implementing it thanks to practice and a desire to use it. Whenever I implement it, it’s well worth the effort and I hope to see it used with increasing frequency to make the world better, one conversation at a time.

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The Power and Danger of Stories

Stories are everywhere. They’re how we communicate our ideas and values to those around us and they’re how we try to make sense of the world. When we observe something, our brains tend to automatically write a story around that event in an attempt to explain it and make it fit into the larger picture of reality that we have in our heads. This happens almost instantly in nearly every waking moment, informs most if not all of our view of the world, and is incredibly difficult to notice. As such, stories are almost inescapable.

As useful as they can be, however, stories can also be misleading. They can make any given subject appear much simpler than it really is and make us think we completely understand something or someone when, in reality, we couldn’t be farther off. Someone who believes they have the whole story isn’t going to be very interested in considering that they might be wrong about part of it. Accordingly, once a story is accepted as gospel truth, it’s incredibly difficult to let go of it and adopt another story, even if one wishes to do so.

With practice, it becomes easy to tell when someone is caught up in one or more stories. Indicators include an unwillingness to consider or even listen to other perspectives, insisting that they’re right no matter what, reacting with strong emotion to anything that opposes their viewpoint, and maintaining the exact same perspectives year after year without ever changing their views based on new information. What’s much more difficult, though, is noticing when you’re caught up in a story. Fortunately there’s a handy life hack for this. The stories that you most readily observe in others are often the ones that are most dominant in your own thinking, so whenever you catch yourself noticing someone else’s story, take some time to examine if you are also holding onto that story.

There are several ways to do this. Be mindful of the stories your brain is writing instead of being oblivious to them. Practice thinking of several plausible stories to explain any given event. Get used to observing your thoughts so that you don’t become overwhelmed by any given story. Finally, work on getting rid of stories altogether and just focus on observing the world as it is without having to judge, label, react to, or categorize it. In time, you’ll be able to notice your stories as they’re first being formed and can then choose how to respond to them (it’s fun to laugh at stories, especially when they’re negative).

It’s incredibly freeing to get out of the grip of stories. In addition to bringing about a great deal of inner peace, this allows for a more accurate, more useful, and, quite often, more enjoyable look at the world. Communication and interactions with other people also drastically improve once stories are optional rather than mandatory. There are few things more wonderful than being free from the inner narrator that writes the stories; the resulting mental quietude makes it possible to enjoy each moment as it is instead of putting a negative label on it or missing it altogether due to being lost in thought. In closing, stories themselves are neutral as long as you control them rather than letting them control you. Enjoy them all you like but always take them with a grain of salt and don’t let them make you miss out on the good stuff in life.

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Concepts and Systems

It’s so easy to fall into the trap of concepts. Concepts themselves aren’t inherently bad and can even be helpful by giving us a simple starting point for some incredibly complicated subjects. However, it’s really easy to start putting anything and everything into a concept or category, including people. It’s so common for people to look at each other and say “Oh that person is this and they belong in that category.” The categorization can be based on anything about them: the way they act, the way they think, their appearance, their views, etc. It’s also super common to think of someone as a physical embodiment of their views and put them in a corresponding category or box.

The problem with this is people are not their views. Additionally, putting everything and everyone into boxes can be dangerous because it makes it seem as if we know more about the world than we truly do. Even seemingly simple things are far too complex for small boxes. Humans, being endlessly complicated, don’t fit into any kinds of boxes at all. To understand someone requires removing the box and seeing them as they are rather than as a simple concept that can be summed up in a few short sentences.

One reason that it’s so hard to avoid putting people into categories is because the tendency to categorize everything is all around us. There aren’t many examples of simply observing things as they are and letting them be that way. We’re all born into a world that we didn’t design and we’re surrounded by huge systems all our lives, including societies, governments, businesses, cultures, families, communities, etc. Shortly after we’re born, we’re almost immediately put into many situations that attempt to mold us and shape us in certain ways so that we’ll accept the present systems. Growing up this way and not really being exposed to any alternatives, people believe that this is the natural order. “The world has always been this way and it’ll always be this way.”

Most people never really stop to think about how much work it took to make the world the way it is and how much work it takes to keep it this way. With enough people working together effectively over a long enough period of time, things could be vastly different than they are now. This current existence is only one of a huge (perhaps unlimited) number of possibilities. As long as people stay stuck thinking that the way things are is the way they have to be, however, we won’t get to see any of those other possibilities. Instead, people will simply continue being born into this world, getting sucked into existing systems, and adopting patterns and habits that most other people before them have fallen into. As they grow, they’ll continue to maintain those systems and cycles and they won’t have made much difference by the time they die; things will be pretty much the same when they leave the world as when they entered it. A lot of people won’t ever really think about this. Of those who do, many of them will think “It would be nice if we could really change things for the better but it’s just not possible.”

I’d like to see less dependence on concepts and systems because, in addition to limiting imagination and creative thinking, they also give people an easy way out through denial of responsibility. “I don’t have to help that person because there are systems in place for people in need.” Or “I did what I had to do/I was just doing what I was told to do.” I regularly fall into these traps as well so I know how devious they can be. Lack of systems, I hope, would make people more likely to look out for one another and keep in mind that they could one day be in a position of needing help. Less overuse of concepts could help with that by reminding us that, beyond all superficial and even seemingly significant differences, we’re all humans who get to share this Earth with each other for a little while. That’s my greatest wish and I hope I can help make it come true.

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Review of Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication is my new favorite communication book; Crucial Conversations, my previous favorite, is now a close second. The late Marshall Rosenberg discusses a lot of stuff that I’ve read elsewhere; I liked that because repetition helps me remember to practice what I’ve learned. There’s also some things that were new to me and others that I’ve believed all my life but hadn’t seen many people discuss. Here are some of the highlights.

Rosenberg describes nonviolent communication as a language based on listening for the needs of others and expressing your own needs in a compassionate way. When asked how they feel, many people either instead say what they’re thinking or give a general response (“good”, “bad”, etc). Nonviolent communication aims to change this by making you aware of what’s going on in your emotions and in your body (for example: “I’m feeling frustrated, my stomach is in knots, and my throat is tight”). When listening to someone, it’s helpful to state what you observe about the situation, identify how the other person appears to be feeling, guess which of their needs are being unmet, and ask what will help meet those needs if they haven’t already made a request. Once you’ve done this, you can use the same approach to express your own feelings, needs, and requests; at that point, the other person will be much more receptive to you since you were receptive to them earlier.

Rosenberg acknowledges that it can be difficult to stay calm and give a measured response when someone is communicating violently. Something he finds helpful is listening for how they’re feeling and what needs of theirs aren’t being met instead of focusing on what they’re saying. This makes it much easier to notice their pain, have compassion for them, and avoid seeing them as a bad person. He gives several examples of this, including some situations that either contained some violence before the communication or which could easily have become violent. Additionally, Rosenberg says that sometimes communication alone won’t stop a person intent on causing harm to others. In those situations, he advocates protective force to protect potential victims and restrain the violent person while seeking to avoid escalating the situation with even more violence.

One of my favorite things about Nonviolent Communication is that it filled in a gap left by the other communication books I’ve read. Those focus mostly on listening to and empathizing with other people and don’t include much about speaking. This book gave me some ideas on how to share my thoughts and feelings with others more effectively. That way I can contribute more to conversations than simply listening to what others have to say and also have less fear of either coming across as a bully or being ignored. The first step involves being more in touch with my emotions and my body. That’s something I’ve learned a lot about the past few years and this book was an excellent reminder of its importance.

In addition to overlapping quite a bit with Crucial Conversations and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Nonviolent Communication has quite a bit in common with Radical Honesty. I read the two of them back to back and was surprised at how much they overlap. Both advocate being in tune with your body, honestly sharing your feelings, and giving others space to do the same. However, where Radical Honesty advises you to speak your mind without concern for hurting anyone’s feelings, Nonviolent Communication is all about having compassion for everyone involved by speaking without blame or accusations. As such, I consider Nonviolent Communication to be the nice version of Radical Honesty. I recommend reading all of the above books as they each have something valuable to say about communication. For now, though, Nonviolent Communication remains my favorite. It’s given me both the clearest motivation to communicate compassionately and the best tools to do so. I look forward to continuing to practice what it’s taught me and seeing how it makes life better for me and those around me.

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Dealing with Impostor Syndrome

I recently mentioned having impostor syndrome and a friend asked me if I had any tips for managing it. Although I had never thought much about it before, I reflected on my experiences this year and came up with several things worth mentioning. The first one is reminding myself of my successes, both past and present. Challenges I’ve overcome, skills I’ve learned, things I’ve gotten better at, people I’ve helped, things once difficult that are now easy, etc. So much comes to mind here that it gives me confidence that, one way or another, I’ll be able to get through any predicament I find myself in.

I also find it helpful to keep in mind that even the most successful people made things up as they went and learned a lot along the way. Nobody started out the gate an instant success or knew every step they’d take before they took it. I know from the things I’ve learned that learning as I go is often more valuable than trying to figure it all out in advance. Whenever I remember that, it gives me hope that I can still accomplish great things even if I don’t always know what I’m doing.

Words have always been extremely fascinating and important to me and I really appreciate the affirming words that many people I know have given me over the years. These can range from simple compliments to major expressions of gratitude to showing me things about myself that I have a hard time seeing, appreciating, or accepting. Trying to see myself as my loved ones see me can make a huge difference when I’m feeling low.

The last thing that came to mind is observing my thoughts and feelings without labeling, judging, or trying to change them. If I feel like a fake or a failure, I’ll just let those feelings be without buying into them or trying to shoo them away. The observation and lack of resistance reminds me that those feelings aren’t part of me and that they’re incorrect, which makes them go away on their own fairly quickly (in most cases; even when they stick around for a while, observing them makes me feel more at peace than when I’m resisting them).

I haven’t conquered impostor syndrome but I have found all of the above helpful for dealing with it. All the inner work I’ve done over the past few months has reduced both the frequency and intensity of impostor syndrome; this gives me less to deal with when it does show up. I have a feeling that continuing to surrender will gradually whittle down what remains of my impostor syndrome until there’s nothing left. We’ll find out someday. I hope this has been helpful and I will see you in the next post.

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Music and Emotional Healing

Lately, I’ve found music to be extremely helpful for bringing up emotions for me to work through. It can be difficult for me to get in touch with certain emotions or fully feel them when I’m overwhelmed. Emotionally moving songs make it much easier to connect with and feel through whatever comes up. While I can do this with songs that are new to me, I’ve found it most powerful with songs that I’ve known for many years. For example, “Superman (It’s Not Easy)” helps me deal with having both a savior/god complex and impostor syndrome. The version of “Oo De Lally” in this commercial and “Bridge over Troubled Water” are my go-to songs whenever I need a good cry; “We’ve Got Tonite” works well for relationship blues and the tears they often bring.

This isn’t limited purely to painful feelings, however. “Here Comes the Sun” is great at reminding me of the things I love in life and gets me to focus on such emotions as joy, happiness, peace, and love. “The Boxer” makes me think of what I’ve overcome and restores my determination when it’s running low. And “Rainbow Connection” is the closest thing I have to a life song; ever since I first heard it, it resonated with me like no other song before or since. Each of those songs can lift my spirits, remind me of my mission, and make me grateful to be me.

Those are just some of the songs that work well for my emotional work. Music has always been important to me but it was only recently that I started using it to work through emotions in this way. Before, I used it to escape from or wallow in my unwanted feelings and reminisce about past events or dream about possible futures. Although that could be cathartic at times, such catharsis was limited only to the times in which I was listening to the music. I didn’t carry what I’d learned with me once I resumed my regular life. That has been one of the lessons I’ve learned this year and I’m sure it will stick with me going forward. What are some songs that help you work through your emotions? I’d love to hear about them and try them out for myself.

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Personal Growth and the Marvel Cinematic Universe

My life over the past few years has been like a combination of experiences from Doctor Strange, Thor, and the Hulk in the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) movies. I saw the Doctor Strange parallels several years ago. This was the easiest of the three for me to notice as I relate to Doctor Strange more than any other character in the MCU. We’re both smart, have great memories, are good at what we do, and went through a life-changing event that broke us and forced us to do things way differently (for both of us, part of that change involved gradually getting into spirituality). The changes we made helped us overcome our demons (arrogance, disregard for the feelings of others, wanting to always be right, striving to be the best due to fear of failure, and so on) and get closer to our potential as well as our life purposes.

More recently, I realized that there are also a lot of similarities between myself and the Hulk. There was the smart, analytical, and reserved side of Bruce Banner along with the strong, angry, and childlike side of the Hulk. Those two sides were constantly at war for control and neither of them liked or wanted anything to do with the other. When one was in control, the other was totally ineffective. In Avengers: Endgame, they managed to reconcile with each other and become whole. As a result, they had the intelligence and personality of Bruce Banner along with the strength and power of the Hulk at all times. There was a great sense of peace from that unity and the cessation of the inner civil war. I’ve experienced that same peace as I’ve done more shadow work and gotten better at reconciling aspects of myself that I had spent most of my life fighting. As is the case with Bruce Banner and the hulk, all the work I’ve done toward becoming whole has been well worth it.

Then there’s Thor. In Thor: Ragnarok, he lost his father Odin, his best friends, his hammer Mjolnir, and his homeworld of Asgard. Then in Avengers: Infinity War, he lost Loki and many of the surviving Asgardians. On top of all that, he was unable to stop Thanos from wiping out half of all life in the universe later in the same movie. This was in addition to the other losses he suffered in a number of other MCU movies. As a result, during Avengers: Endgame, he fell into a state of deep depression, lost all hope, and suffered for a long time. What got him out of that state was seeing that he was still worthy to wield his hammer and having a conversation with his mother that restored his hope and gave him the will to continue his mission despite his struggles. I was in a similar state of hopelessness and depression for most of this year in response to everything that I’ve lost since March. Just like with Thor, I didn’t start feeling better until I started remembering who I was and began intentionally working through my emotions. Even though that hasn’t brought back anything that I’ve lost, it has given me more peace than I’ve had in a long time. The knowledge that I can continue working through my emotions and that I don’t have to be held down or held back by anything from my past, whether good or bad, is incredibly liberating.

I enjoy finding parallels between superhero movies and experiences in my life. Doing so helps me better understand and articulate things such as shadow work, self-love, transcending difficult situations, and working through unwanted emotions. It’s also useful for quickly and effectively illustrating some relatively obscure concepts. I’m sure I’ll find more parallels as I continue watching superhero movies and working on myself. I hope you found this interesting and were able to use it to find ways to incorporate these good practices into your life.

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