The Source of My Struggles

Posted on April 21, 2021 by admin

Serendipity has been my constant companion as of late. Most commonly, it’s appeared in the form of reminders about self-love. I’ve gotten this message more times than I can count over the years. Friends, employers, mentors, passages from books, and flashes of insight during my quiet times have reminded me of the importance of being kind to myself. It took me a long time to start listening and seeing how this applies to my life. Even then, it was only within the last week that I fully realized how the lack of sufficient self-love negatively impacts both my mentality as well as my performance at almost everything I do outside of solo activities. Feeling as if I’m not good enough or that I won’t be able to handle what’s on my plate often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. More often than not, I manage to do well, but I still feel uncomfortable throughout the process and the relief at the end never lasts long or translates into long-term confidence.

I feel best whenever I’m being super kind to myself and my hardest times occur when I’ve forgotten the importance of that compassion. Thanks to regular reminders, I’ve spent a lot of time in the past week working on this. During a coaching session earlier this week, I gained many insights into what’s going on and what I can do about it. My inner judge, as I initially called the feeling of hardness and condemnation within myself, is there to keep me safe from things that scare me. That I’ve known for a long time now, so I asked it what can be done to convince it that we’ll be able to handle whatever comes up just as we’ve handled everything else thus far. The answers were to make a list of successes, lean more into who I want to be, and surrender to the flow of life rather than resisting it. I also asked it if there’s another role besides judge it would like to have. Confidant and friend were what came up, and part of those roles involve helping me solve problems and keeping me on track. The insights from that session gave me a huge sense of relief. I’ve spent time each day working on integrating everything that came up and it’s already paying off.

This feels like the big one for me. If I can get this sorted out, everything else will fall into place. This is the source of most (if not all) of my anxiety, depression, discomfort, paranoia, strained relationships, and fear that I’ll flub everything outside of a narrow range of activities. I’m determined to make these realizations stick by continuing to work toward where I want to be. Even then, I’m going to keep working to maintain that progress so that I don’t backslide into my old, harmful habits. What’s on the other side of fear and pain? Nothing but freedom, and that’s where I’m headed. I’ll see you there.

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Take My Ideas, Please

Posted on April 14, 2021 by admin

I once heard economist David Friedman say something along the lines of “When you’re young, you’re afraid somebody will steal your ideas; when you’re old, you’re afraid nobody will”. Though I’m quite young, I still resonate with Friedman’s statement. That’s why I share so many ideas, whether they’re my own or someone else’s (and I always credit other people when I mention one of their ideas). My blog is the main way I share the ideas I find fascinating and valuable, mostly because I can still communicate my thoughts much more clearly in writing even though my speaking ability has improved tremendously over the past few years.

Additionally, even though I plan to write and sell at least a few books, I’m still going to freely share what I learn through my blog and in meaningful conversations with people who share one or more of my big interests. Whether I’m discussing an original idea of mine or one from somebody else, I want to give anyone who finds it fascinating the opportunity to use it. Why keep the good stuff to myself when I can so easily share it and give others the chance to benefit from it as well?

I don’t want my ideas to die with me. Even if I put my ideas out there as often as I can, that accomplishes nothing unless someone grabs hold of them and puts them into practice. That’s what I want more than almost anything else in the world. Accordingly, I request that you address what I share on my blog in the same way that I address everything I come across: take whatever you find valuable and leave the rest. Many of you already do this and I appreciate that so much. It lets me know that I’m regularly providing value for you, so please keep telling me whenever you find something in one of my posts that resonates with you and I’ll keep sharing what I find as I continue to get better at living and enjoying life.

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Black Swans and Unintended Consequences

Posted on April 7, 2021 by admin

Within the past few years, I learned of the term “black swans”. Black swans are things that never even cross your mind as possibilities until after they happen. The term came from back when all swans were thought to be white, thus nobody would ever even think that they might see a black swan; seeing one caught them completely off guard. This reminds me that nobody really knows as much as they think they do, especially about future events.

I’ve long been a fan of the phrase “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” My version is “Good intentions don’t automatically guarantee good outcomes.” Lots of bad things have occurred, even when people were trying to do good, because there are tons of variables that can’t be controlled or, in some cases, even known. Therefore, unintended consequences are all but guaranteed, especially with large ventures that involve a lot of moving parts.

There are consequences with every decision you make. It can be easy to forget that because sometimes you like what happens and so you may not consider those outcomes to be consequences. Keep this in mind whenever you think one course of action won’t have any negative consequences. Also, weigh all possible consequences instead of considering any of them to be impossible; you can’t know in advance which ones will or won’t occur. A plan can unfold quite differently in reality than how it worked out in your mind.

Uncertainty also often comes into play in interactions with other people. At times their intentions may appear obvious, but is that actually the case? Do you truly know someone else’s intentions or do you just assume you know them? What if their true intentions are quite different than the ones you appear to have detected? Assuming the worst often results in needless trouble so it’s best to be careful by talking with them to find out what they actually believe and want.

It’s easy for me to miss potential problems in my own ideas. Something that helps me find such issues is to listen to people who criticize what I have to say and take their points into consideration. I can be my own positive critic when I’m in the proper state of mind. However, since I have trouble doing it consistently and effectively, I don’t rely on it as my first line of defense against black swans. Additionally, I enjoy working with other people to smooth out the rough edges and create something better than either of us could develop on our own. As I become more self-aware and at peace within myself, I’m able to more easily notice my own blind spots and work around them. That’s been wonderful, though they still catch me by surprise every so often. We’re all susceptible to black swans and blind spots. That’s one of the prices for being human. What we can do is help each other notice them and avoid falling victim to them. That’s how we all get to the next level.

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More of My Thoughts on Celebrating Victories

Posted on March 31, 2021 by admin

A few years ago, I wrote a post on the importance of celebrating your victories. I’ve learned a lot since then and I’d like to share more of my thoughts in this post.

In Letting Go, David Hawkins mainly talks about releasing negative emotions. However, he also describes the importance of letting go of the resistance to feeling positive emotions. Some people have a hard time allowing themselves to feel happiness, excitement, joy, peace, love, gratitude, etc. Maybe someone close to them punished them for expressing joy or otherwise taught them that it’s not ok to feel positive emotions. Even if those people have left their lives, they may still hear those voices whenever they start feeling really good; that can serve to shut down those good feelings. By noticing that resistance and allowing it to pass, it can be released so that it no longer blocks the positive emotions.

I’ve learned how important it is to celebrate my wins, big and small alike. For a long time, I would win a victory and just move on without realizing or enjoying my accomplishment. I still do that at times. Whenever I don’t celebrate a win, part of me says “So all that effort was for nothing? Ok, no more of that, then.” If I’m real quiet, I can hear that and it serves as a reminder to celebrate. Celebrating is a way to reward myself for the effort it took to achieve that win. In this way, celebrating wins paves the way for more wins.

Keep in mind that you didn’t “just” do something. You accomplished something you once thought impossible. That’s huge! So what if you did it in a sloppy, meandering, or otherwise imperfect manner? That’s the first step and it’s often the hardest step to take. Celebrate! Next time you enter that situation, you’ll have some experience with succeeding when you previously only knew failure. Your success and smoothness with that success will only increase as you continue accumulating experience and celebrating each win.

So many people spend their whole lives mourning their losses and a few seconds, if that, celebrating their wins. They might not think that their wins are big enough or impressive enough to celebrate. The people around them might not think they’ve done anything special. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of your accomplishments. All that matters is that you appreciate and celebrate your wins. Maybe you showed yourself some kindness where you normally are incredibly hard on yourself. Maybe you reached a new milestone with your health. Maybe you reconciled with an old friend after a falling-out. Whatever it is, big or small, you’ve accomplished something great and you deserve to feel great about it.

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The Hidden Blessing of Exhaustion

Posted on March 24, 2021 by admin

I’ve felt more exhausted, both physically and emotionally, over the past few months than I have in a long time. During that time, I’ve also had more personal growth than anytime I can remember since last year. I’ll explain why I see the two as being connected.

The biggest source of my exhaustion is sleeping troubles. This isn’t my first foray with that issue. When I first got into mindfulness back in 2017, I had a lot of nights with little sleep. That largely cleared up once I learned how to ground myself before bed. However, late last year as well as this year, even with my best grounding techniques, I’d still often have a lot of trouble sleeping. My nights became better once I put more focus into letting go before bed of whatever was on my mind, whether it was current events or old issues.

I think there is another possible explanation for some of my hard nights. It takes a lot of energy to suppress unwanted emotions. As I let go of the deeper, more painful emotions, that frees up a huge amount of energy which I can then use for other purposes. That extra energy can make it hard to relax and fall asleep at night, especially on days in which I don’t expend much energy. Even when I manage to fall asleep, I often wake up many times during the night. As I get used to that increased energy and start putting it to good use, in addition to being more physically active during the day, my sleeping troubles largely disappear.

Since my sleep has improved, my exhaustion and anxiety have both lessened tremendously. Part of my current anxiety comes from knowing what my next steps are going to entail. Common concerns such as fear of failure and wondering if I’ll be able to accomplish my goals are often in the back of my mind. In addition to letting go, I find it helpful to envision how my plans are going to help people live better lives. That also reminds me how I’ve been guided each step along the way and how I’ll continue to receive such guidance as things get more and more real.

Exhaustion isn’t entirely negative, though. One beneficial aspect of feeling exhausted is how it forces me to spend more time in solitude. I get enough social interactions from my job and an occasional event with friends to feel satisfied in that department. However, as I can still get drained from prolonged social activity, the last thing I want to do after sleeping horribly and going to work is hang out with anyone. That gives me time to work on myself, write, plan my next steps, and recharge so that I’ll be ready for whatever comes my way. I think that I’m learning how to avoid giving my energy away to people or things that I’d rather avoid and I’m sure that’s going to help me a lot going forward.

In addition to all of the above, I felt better last week after I got in touch with a friend who has relevant experience with some aspects of my big plans. That conversation gave me some encouragement as well as guidance for my next step in turning my vision into reality. Now I feel much more calm and I look forward to seeing where I go next. The path of growth may be bumpy much of the time but it becomes a lot more fun as I learn to enjoy the bumps. That perspective is going to serve me well as I keep moving forward, one bump at a time.

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While I Still Have Time

Posted on March 17, 2021 by admin

For most of my life, I’ve had a feeling that I’d die young. Many writers have done so for various reasons. I think there’s a definite connection between writing and instability. Those who have good things to say see things differently than most other people, and that, I think, requires being more than a little off. Fortunately I don’t drink alcohol, smoke, or use recreational drugs, and I’ve learned a lot about managing my emotions in a healthy way. So aside from a poor diet and not a great deal of physical exercise, I’ve managed to avoid a lot of pitfalls that caused the downfall of a number of writers.

That sense of foreboding is a large part of why I’ve created so much content and why I feel such a drive to get my ideas out there. Whenever my time comes, I want to be spent. I don’t want to leave with a lot of things left to say or do. When I was a little kid, I thought that I’d one day run out of things to think about. Now I realize that’s not a possibility. It feels like I’m never going to run out of ideas, perspectives, or things to discuss. Like there’s no bottom of the barrel for me to scrape. Maybe there is and I just haven’t gotten there yet. Maybe it’ll take four or five more decades for me to get anywhere near it. If so, then I want to be as close as possible to that point before I go.

I’m far from the only person with a major interest in the intersection of psychology, spirituality, and self-improvement. However, I feel confident in saying that I’m the only person approaching it in the way I am and with the plans I have. That’s why I want to share my outlook and approach to life as much as I can while I still have time. If I can get the ball rolling on some big projects based on things that have done me so much good, then anyone who’s even remotely interested in that stuff can benefit from it even long after I’m gone. I’ve lost track of how many books I’ve read after the authors of those books died. Even though I never interacted with them, I still benefited from their insights and experiences. I want to do the same for those who come after me, starting with my writing and then through other means. That way whoever wants to look at the puzzles I’ve pieced together can do so even if they never meet me.

I’ve still got time. Occasionally, though, it feels like not enough. Not enough time to learn what I need to learn, process it, understand it, combine it with everything else I know, and put it into words that almost everybody can comprehend. What if I get into an accident that prevents me from learning or sharing what I’ve found? What if I die right before I get my bigger plans moving in a way that their momentum will carry them further than I ever could by myself? Those are some concerns that keep me going and keep me focused on the important things.

I don’t always think about it this way and I don’t think this mindset is the sole motivator behind my actions. For example, I’ve always been interested in sharing my thoughts with others because of the joy it brings both of us when they encounter something special. Additionally, I’ve somehow made it through a number of events that could have easily killed me, so I think I’ll be able to do most if not all of what I have in mind before my time comes, whether that’s in a few years or a few decades. As long as I can honestly tell myself that I did everything I could to leave this world better than I found it, I’ll be content when I leave, and that’s what matters most to me.

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A Profound Shift

Posted on March 10, 2021 by admin

I had a major breakthrough last Thursday. It all started with a song I’d heard many years ago on The Brady Bunch called “Til I Met You”. I found the song last week on YouTube and listened to it a lot. On my way into work a few days later, I had it almost memorized so my mind wandered a bit as I sang it. The song sounds like a love ballad in which the singer is describing how much better his life became after meeting a special someone. However, everything changed for me when I started thinking of myself as that special someone in my own life. Immediately I started crying and I struggled to sing the rest of the song. The realization was that it’s not another person who makes my life great. The best times of my life have come when I’m in tune with and at peace within myself. I’m blessed to have several wonderful friends and family members but I’ve always been disappointed whenever I’ve expected them to do for me what only I can do for myself.

This was similar to the realization I had when listening to “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Simon and Garfunkel last year: I can be my own best friend and take care of myself in ways nobody else can. However, the realization from The Brady Bunch song felt much deeper and more profound. I don’t know why but I suspect it’s related to all the inner work I’ve done since last year and how well I had been taking care of myself in the days leading up to hearing that song.

My mood has been elevated ever since that day, difficult tasks have become easier, and whatever stress I’ve felt has been lessened in addition to being insufficient to stop me from doing important things. This has been the biggest shift I’ve experienced this year. I have a feeling it’ll be a permanent shift and a major stepping stone toward lasting peace. This is going to be my year. I know what to do and I’m going to keep doing it, one step at a time.

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Opposites

Posted on March 3, 2021 by admin

Something I’ve learned from Taoism is that seemingly opposing concepts or forces are actually two halves of the whole. Without day, there’d be no night. Without the back side of a coin, there’d be no front side. As I progress with my inner work, I find it increasingly easier to remember this and notice that my enjoyment of life also becomes increasingly greater.

In addition to being leisurely productive, the days I enjoy the most are full of opposites. Times of working intensely punctuated with times of extreme leisure. Times of moving around a lot (unicycling, juggling, dancing) followed by times of hardly moving at all (lying down, meditating, floating). Times of busyness before times with nothing to do. Times of pushing myself preceding times of pampering myself. Times of being social and times of being in solitude. This way I rarely get bored and can be meaningfully productive while still having plenty of time to rest and enjoy my day.

My most challenging days are the ones that have one dominant trait: going nonstop. Instead of being leisurely productive, I have to get a lot of things done very quickly throughout the day and have very little time to rest. Those days are both physically and emotionally exhausting for me. I normally need at least a few days to myself to recover from those (fortunately rare) occasions and I hope to get my life to a point that they never happen.

I hope that my exploration of a slower, more intentional way to live, along with sharing it through this blog, helps make this approach to life more widespread. Everyone should be able to live at a comfortable pace. If more people did, then everyone would be better off. Less stress, more peace, fewer conflicts, more time to spend with loved ones, and fewer problems overall. Plus I’d get to have many more leisurely productive days and hardly any manically busy days. I think this type of shift in living is not only possible but necessary for the survival and well-being of humanity. That’s why I’ve dedicated my life to making it happen and work toward it almost every day, one breath at a time.

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Review of Stranger Than Fiction

Posted on February 24, 2021 by admin

Late last year, I watched Stranger Than Fiction. I enjoyed it immensely and found myself thinking long and hard about a number of things afterward, so I thought it deserves a review. Spoilers abound so check out the movie before reading on if you don’t want it ruined.

Harold Crick (Will Ferrell) is an IRS employee who lives an incredibly consistent, predictable life. This all changes one day when he begins to hear a voice narrating his actions. The voice belongs to an author named Karen Eiffel (Emma Thompson) who is writing her latest book about a man also named Harold Crick. By listening to what she says, Harold learns that he will soon die. He begins searching for her in a desperate bid to stay alive.

Harold enlists the help of literature professor Jules Hilbert (Dustin Hoffman) to figure out what’s going on. Together, they gradually eliminate possible types of stories as they attempt to discern whether Harold’s life is destined to be a comedy or a tragedy. While all of this is happening, Harold also begins auditing a woman named Ana Pascal (Maggie Gyllenhaal). Though initially hostile toward one another, the two gradually glow closer and become romantically interested.

Harold eventually finds Karen and begs her to spare his life. She gives a rough draft of the story to Professor Hilbert. After reading it, he tells Harold that the death she has written for him is more meaningful and poetic than any death that could naturally happen to him. Harold comes to the same conclusion after reading it for himself and encourages Karen to finish the story as she has drafted it.

Having accepted his fate, Harold walks to the bus stop as usual. He is hit by a bus while saving a boy on a bike and is taken to the hospital. Rather than kill him off, however, Karen decides to save his life by having a piece of his watch stop him from bleeding to death. Ana is relieved that he survived and Karen tells Professor Hilbert that she will rewrite the book to match the new ending.

I knew almost nothing about Stranger Than Fiction other than the basic plot. Almost everything in the movie was a surprise for me, which was nice as I prefer to go into a movie knowing as little about it as possible. This was one of the deeper, richer movies that I watched toward the end of last year. I don’t know why but I was watching a lot of lighthearted movies at the time. This was a nice change of pace and felt like just what I needed: not too heavy and not too light. The central message I got was to live life as best as possible for ourselves and those around us as long as we can. When our time comes, we can then face death with peace and acceptance rather than fear and resistance.

One of the few things I didn’t fully like was the ending. I would have preferred an ending in which Harold died saving the boy. I like movies that remind me that life doesn’t always involve happy endings and such an ending would have been a nice way for this movie to conclude. The story seemed to be building toward a grim finale so having him live felt forced to me. Not as forced as some happy endings in other movies but still forced. However, it felt less forced when I considered another aspect of the ending. Harold stepped out to save the boy despite knowing it would cost him his life and Karen rewrote the ending of her book to save Harold despite knowing it would cost her her masterpiece. He was willing to sacrifice himself to save the both the boy and the book but she chose to sacrifice her original story to save both Harold and the boy. That realization gave me more appreciation for this ending and I think it works fine when viewed from this perspective.

Stranger Than Fiction is a solid movie that has something for almost everybody. If you haven’t seen it yet and if anything I’ve discussed above sounds interesting to you, I encourage you to check it out. Even if it’s been spoiled for you, it’s still well worth the watch.

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Gentle Lessons

Posted on February 17, 2021 by admin

Every so often, I get opportunities to dig deep and work on things within myself without too much pain. I call these opportunities “gentle lessons”. Here are a few relatively recent examples.

The first example concerns my dog, Sawyer. He went in for surgery to remove a bunch of infected teeth last November. His age and heart murmur reduced his chances of surviving the surgery. I was a wreck. I had so much fear that he wouldn’t make it and I’d lose my little buddy. I spent a lot more quality time with him in the days leading up to his surgery and cried a lot after he went in. Fortunately he made it and is doing fine to this day. Better than he was before, actually, since those teeth are no longer causing him discomfort. Even after the animal hospital called to say he was ok, however, I still was a mess. It took me a long time to come down from that heightened emotional state and feel like myself again. Later, I realized that this situation allowed me to work through a lot of emotions around Sawyer that I had neglected for years. I worked through all of them without having to lose him. Now I spend a lot more quality time with Sawyer and my relationship with him is much better as it no longer contains so much fear, sadness, and other negative emotions. I consider this to have been an extremely gentle lesson.

The other example occurred in late January of this year. I had to make a difficult phone call at my job and I got all worked up beforehand. The call ended up going much better than I thought and I felt so relieved afterward. That situation showed me where I needed to direct the focus of my inner work so that’s exactly what I started doing shortly thereafter. So far that shift in focus has done wonders for me and given me more overall peace than I’ve ever had before (more on this in a future blog post).

Gentle lessons are my favorite types of lessons. They teach me or point me toward something important for my personal growth without being excessively harsh. If I don’t take advantage of them when they come up, then I’ll inevitably encounter increasingly rougher lessons until I finally pay attention. As such, I do my best to listen for the gentle lessons and grab them before they pass me by. Do you take advantage of gentle lessons when they present themselves to you? If so, what’s an example that you vividly remember? Take care and I’ll see you in the next post.

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