Recent Musings

Here are some things that have been on my mind lately. I hope this shows what it can be like to have so many conflicting, contradictory ideas (most of which I’ve picked up from sources other than myself) in my head while attempting to reconcile them. Maybe some are worth keeping while others can be released. We’ll see. For now, here’s what I’ve been thinking about recently.

  • People will only treat me as well as I let them so I have to speak up when they treat me differently than how I want to be treated.
  • Someone treating me poorly reveals more about them than me, although I don’t want to stay silent through poor treatment when speaking up might put a stop to it.
  • When someone else bothers me, it shows something else in my shadow to work through.
  • I do my best to treat people as I want to be treated, but should that include the people who treat me badly? Should I push back against bad behavior directed at me?
  • Holding my tongue to keep the peace creates drama; speaking up creates drama.
  • I dislike conflict and I want to avoid it at almost all costs.
  • I’m learning how to not be afraid of my emotions.
  • A lot of things are coming up even though I thought I was over them, so clearly there’s more work to do there.
  • Maybe my sleeping troubles are being exacerbated by attempting to force myself to sleep instead of relaxing and allowing sleep to come to me.
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Take It to the Limit

For most of my life, I’ve taken things as far as I can. It’s taken me a long time to find balance with anything and (almost) everything I do. While it can be frustrating at times, taking things to the limit is a great way to find out any problems they may have, especially problems that would easily be missed by only going part of the way.

Here’s an example. My ideas on the ownership of property have changed dramatically over the past few years. Once I saw some previously unforeseen implications of the views I once held and found them distasteful, in no small part because they conflicted with some of my other values, I started rethinking a lot of things. As a result, I now no longer attempt to follow an arbitrarily chosen idea to its limits in each situation regarding property. One solution can’t adequately resolve to my satisfaction every issue that arises. Sometimes such an approach turns out pleasantly but other times it turns out unpleasantly. My current approach is an attempt to find an answer that brings all of my values together without leaving any by the wayside. Much more difficult than what I did before but well worth the effort.

This process first requires having enough self-awareness to notice what you think. You can then examine why you think as you do about a particular subject and see if your thinking is consistent. If not, you can decide what to do about it. There are at least a few options here. One is to act as if there are no issues. Another is to make exceptions as often as needed, although this can become problematic if taken too far as having more exceptions to the rule than instances of the rule being followed means that the underlying rule is unnecessary. Still another option is to adopt a better, more holistic perspective. While there may be other options I haven’t considered, of the ones mentioned here, I think the third one is the best and it’s what I’ve done whenever possible.

Most people never seem to acquire enough self-awareness to do anything in the previous paragraph. That may be why it’s common to see someone hold completely contradictory views without appearing to realize it; if the inconsistency is pointed out, rather than acknowledging it and changing something, they may ignore it, become upset, or think up a rationalization that attempts to explain away the discrepancy. I’ve done all of those and still catch myself doing one or more of them at times. In a calm state of mind, it’s quite humbling to notice it and noticing it makes me strive to be more thorough in my thinking. Whether or not it’s possible to have total consistency in a way that I find acceptable, I work on getting as close as I can and make sure to have fun along the way.

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Who Are You?

Who are you? Not the role you play at your job, in your family, or in your community. Not the political, religious, or philosophical beliefs you hold. Not your nationality or ethnicity. Not what you enjoy doing in your free time. Not the image that others have of you. And not even your name or the image that you have of yourself. All of that is outside of you. Some of it may describe things close to you but none of it describes the real you. The you that existed before you became aware of everything else and the you that will still be there when it all goes away. Who is that?

Only you can say for sure who you are but anyone can say who you aren’t: a concept. Concepts are methods by which the mind organizes aspects of life in an attempt to understand it all; this means that concepts only “exist” in the mind. However, getting too caught up in concepts actually obscures understanding. If you’re convinced that your concept of a thing is the actual thing itself, then it becomes easy to think “Oh, I know all about this because I’m familiar with it.” That can make you see attributes that aren’t really there and miss ones that are. True understanding requires leaving concepts behind and observing what is with as open a mind as possible.

The same goes for understanding yourself. In addition to not being a concept, you are also not your views. This is so crucial and seemingly obvious yet is so often ignored. All the time I see people identifying with their views or a role they play in life. Weaving either of those into their sense of self makes it much harder to avoid feeling personally attacked when they are questioned or criticized. That’s why hostile exchange around sensitive matters are so common. Ceasing to identify with concepts and roles means no feeling of personal attack and few, if any, ego defenses.

You can practice this now if you like. Get into a still, quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and focus on your breath for a few minutes. As the inner activity settles, begin recalling some things with which you identify. Set each one to the side as it comes up; you can pick them up again later if you like. For now, focus on getting down to the core of who you are by allowing everything else to fall away. At that point, there’s nothing to defend that’s not you, and by then you know yourself so well that you’ll feel no need to defend yourself. All the concepts you have of yourself are gone and all that remains is the real you that’s been buried underneath everything else.

Don’t put yourself in a box and think that that box defines you from beginning to end. You deserve better than that. You’re so much more complex, intricate, wonderful, and amazing than any words or concepts could ever describe. Putting yourself in a box is a great way to ignore truths and believe lies about yourself. It also can prevent progress by making you think that how you are now is truly who you are and can’t be changed. So don’t do yourself a disservice by limiting yourself. Step out of all the boxes you’re in and learn the truth of who you really are. Be free.

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The Individual and the Group

There’s a big debate over the individual and the group. Whole philosophies have been developed in an attempt to explain why one is more important than the other. It wasn’t until earlier this year that a realization gave me a different take on this subject that I’d like to share.

Asking which should be valued more, the individual or the group, is the wrong question. It assumes that one can be more important than the other. If you remove all the individuals from a group, the group ceases to exist. This is why some people say that the individual is more important. Without group effort, however, individual living would be almost impossible. A great example of the interdependence of modern life is how many people it takes to make something as seemingly simple as a pencil. Plus humans are naturally social beings. Even shy, reserved, introverted, or otherwise selectively social people need others for both survival and well-being. This is why other people say that the group is more important than the individual.

So where does that leave us? Well, seeing the issue as a battle between the individual and the group assumes that the two are separate. That’s similar to asking whether the heads or tails side of a coin is the more important side; the fact is that without both sides, there would be no coin. This is why, when deciding what courses of action to take, it’s important to keep both the individual and the group in mind. Just as the individual shouldn’t be sacrificed for the sake of the group, neither should the group be cast aside for the sake of the individual. Looking for outcomes that prioritize the well-being of both is the best approach. That heals the imaginary divide between individual and group, reminds us all of our mutual interdependence, and gives the best chance for everybody to flourish.

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Encouragement and Celebration

When little kids attempt something, nearby adults often give them a great deal of encouragement and will celebrate even small accomplishments with them. As the kids age, that positive support tends to decrease despite the skill level increasing. That can result in difficulties for those who were celebrated as kids for small accomplishments but are later ignored for big accomplishments.

I don’t know why encouragement can be so common when we’re young and so scarce when we’re older. Whatever the reason, I think one of its effects is making people feel as if even their best efforts aren’t good enough. In turn, that can make them feel as if they themselves aren’t good enough, which can result in all kinds of emotional issues stemming from a sense of needing to be perfect. I’ve dealt with this for much of my life and have only fairly recently found freedom from it.

Not giving encouragement can be difficult to change once it’s become a habit. The upside is that once encouragement becomes a habit, it will tend to reinforce itself and become second nature. So keep up the encouragement. Notice when your loved ones accomplish something and celebrate with them. Also celebrate yourself by recognizing how far you’ve come and how what was once impossible for you is now easy. One way I do this is by keeping a list of my successes, victories, and accomplishments. Whether they’re big or small, old or new, if it made me feel good or showed some growth on my part, I add it to the list. I don’t check the list every day but simply having it and adding to it a few times a week has made my life much better. This is one way I keep myself in check. It’s fine to want progress and to work on continual improvement. However, avoid being hard on yourself when progress is slow. Instead, remind yourself how far you’ve come and how good it feels to do something you love.

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The Missing Piece of the Puzzle

My main focus in life is helping people heal from emotional wounds. I don’t see much talk about this outside of a handful of discussions I have fairly regularly with a few people close to me. Fortunately it seems to be an increasingly common subject for discussion. Since I’ve experienced a lot of healing in my own life, I believe I’m in a good position to help those who want help, especially if what has worked for me also works for them.

When I first began venturing into this territory several years ago, I was shocked to learn how many people I know struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD, eating disorders, and other issues. I seem to meet new people every year who have some kind of internal struggle and that’s only counting those who are comfortable talking about it; I suspect many more people, especially elderly people, have lots of struggles that they never discuss. Talking about it shows that one is not alone and allows for reaching out, getting help, sharing useful information, etc. The easier it becomes to talk about this, the better off everyone will be.

I truly believe that most struggles stem from trauma and that most trauma originates during our formative years (that’s certainly where mine occurred). That’s why I believe that if all parents avoided traumatizing their kids, then most of the world’s present problems would go away. Everything from war to violence to poverty to hatred to self-esteem issues and almost everything else. This doesn’t mean that those who have been traumatized have no chance of the good life, however. Everyone can heal by working through their own trauma in any one of a number of effective ways. Of that I’m becoming increasingly more convinced. Everyone who does this move us all that much closer to a peaceful world. Avoiding trauma is the best way to go and working through trauma is the next best thing. This is why I’m interested in solving the problem at both ends: helping those who have been traumatized to recover from it and preventing anyone from being traumatized in the first place. This holistic approach leaves nobody behind and, I think, will make positive change occur much more quickly than would focusing on only the people in one situation while neglecting those in the other.

This really feels like the missing piece of the puzzle. No matter how well the economy is doing, how much medicine has advanced, or how much easier technology has made modern life, it seems that everyone is still discontent as long as they have an inner struggle. As if having the world at one’s fingers means nothing unless it’s accompanied by inner peace. How would the world look if everyone had inner peace on top of all their other needs satisfied? Everyone would move from surviving to thriving. From pain to peace. From fighting to loving. From more of the same to something incredible. I hope to see this and I believe we can all work together to make it happen. How about you?

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Review of Homecoming

Homecoming|John Bradshaw

Homecoming is an incredibly profound book by John Bradshaw. It was a great introduction for me to inner child work. I’m still no expert on it but now that I’ve finished working through Homecoming, I see how powerful and healing it can be. Here are my thoughts on this wonderful book.

Despite all the progress I made last year, I still had a hard time working on painful experiences from early in my life. Because I would often feel extremely uncomfortable or get distracted when bringing up painful memories, I didn’t have much success in working through them. That all changed this year. A regular customer at my job recommended Homecoming to me toward the end of last year so I ordered it and put it on my shelf. Back in January I received a sign that it was time to start working through this and boy did it pay off big time.

Right away, I knew that this book would be a game changer for me. Healing began immediately after the first set of exercises and that healing only became deeper as I continued. I was surprised at how quickly the healing occurred even though I was going slowly through the book. I spent anywhere from a few days to a week or more going through each chapter. I’d read straight through a chapter at my usual pace and then, either later that day or the next day, begin working through the exercises. That normally took at least a few days as I gave myself plenty of time to allow everything to come up, feel through it, and do whatever else the chapter had in store for me (more on that in the next paragraph). Accordingly, it took me about four months to work through a book which would normally have only taken me two weeks at most to read. The slow pace was worth it as I effectively worked through the exercises that allowed me to fully experience painful emotions that I had been carrying my whole life and sit with them long enough to heal from them.

Homecoming includes a lot of incredibly powerful exercises. I did most of the exercises in the book, focusing primarily on the ones that seemed to be the most transformative for me. There was a lot of writing about my early life experiences, including writing letters between my current and younger selves. I often felt surprised at what came up during the letter writing and was moved to tears on at least one occasion. There were also exercises related to communication, setting boundaries, and peacefully resolving conflicts. I’ve done a lot of work on each of those so it was great seeing them incorporated into this book. What I found most effective were the affirmations and meditations for different developmental stages. I used my old phone to record them and listened to them when I had enough time to go through them. I found all of this to be extremely powerful and healing. One of my primary love languages is words of affirmation so I especially loved hearing those loving affirmations in my own voice. In these ways, Homecoming gave me almost everything I wanted and needed as a kid but never got.

Parts of Homecoming lined up perfectly with the technique described Letting Go. Having read the latter book several times and practicing the technique regularly for many months helped me immensely while working through the former book. Additionally, Letting Go talks about not resisting the positive emotions. Homecoming is full of of positive emotions, affirmations, meditations, and reminders, so allowing myself to feel the positive was extremely beneficial for inner child work. If you’re interested in going through both books, I highly recommend reading Letting Go first and Homecoming second.

One of the few things I disliked about Homecoming was how Bradshaw would occasionally say that the wounded inner child contaminates one’s life. That came across to me as blaming someone who had already been hurt and blamed for many things despite not actually being responsible for them. The pain and struggles many of us face in adulthood come from our upbringing, not our younger selves. I’d rather he have written those sections in a way that came across as having more compassion for the wounded inner child (as was the case in the rest of the book). Also, I felt that Bradshaw was being premature in advocating compassion for abusive parents. While I understand and even appreciate giving compassion to parents who were themselves hurt by their own parents as kids, I think that compassion and forgiveness must come after the healing has occurred. It’s extremely difficult or even impossible to truly forgive and have compassion for someone who has hurt me deeply while the wounds are still unhealed. There must be a time of working through all the feelings of anger, sadness, frustration, depression, rage, and everything else that comes up. Once the pain is gone, then the compassion and forgiveness flow naturally. Those were my only issues with the book and fortunately they were minor issues that didn’t detract from the great stuff.

I’m so grateful for all the beautiful freedom Homecoming has given me. This is one of the most powerful, freeing, and transformative books I’ve ever read. It came into my life at the perfect time: I started it shortly after a year of unprecedented personal transformation and worked through it in the midst of several other deeply healing experiences. I can’t single out any one of them as the most beneficial since they all supported each other and the earlier ones prepared me for the later ones. Still, it’s clear to me that Homecoming was a major player in providing the deep senses of peace, compassion, empathy, and love I now have for myself. It gave me an incredible amount of healing as well as some wonderful tools that I’m sure will help me work through my remaining struggles. All of that is making it easier to be my true self and that’s the person I’ve always wanted to be.

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Why My Approach Works for Me

Whenever I work on myself, I don’t reframe things in my mind in an attempt to heal from them. That doesn’t work for me. No matter how much I’ve told myself that the situation isn’t that bad, that I will soon feel better, that my anxiety is lying to me, or that what I did doesn’t make me a monster, it has never made me feel better. Here’s why.

For me, emotions create thoughts. I know this to be the case since my emotions can be running wild while I have no thoughts whatsoever. Further, in states of deep presence, I can notice when the energy from an emotion is beginning to turn into a thought; I usually laugh when I notice this. Because emotions come before the thoughts, attempting to fix things on the level of thought doesn’t do anything for me. Even though I can understand any perspective, I can’t accept it or benefit from it without first working through my emotions.

As you might have guessed from my many blog posts about surrender, allowing my emotions to run their course without resisting them is what has made all the difference for me and constitutes the vast majority of my inner work. When the emotions have run out, one of two possibilities occurs. First, my perspective on the situation will automatically change without any effort from me. I’ll then be able to fully accept a viewpoint that I was unable to accept when it was still blocked by a lot of unprocessed emotions. The other possibility, and the one that seems to occur more often than the first, is that I forget about the situation entirely. That is especially nice because I don’t have to have any particular perspective on it; it’s completely gone, as if it never happened in the first place. Should it cross my mind again, it will arrive and leave quickly with a sense of peace. “Yeah, that happened” is how I can best describe my outlook at that point; simple statement of fact without any emotional attachment. I’ve experienced this firsthand as some things that once used to occupy my mind almost nonstop rarely come up now that I’ve fully let them go. With either possibility, I arrive at a place of peace without having to question, challenge, or otherwise attempt to forcibly change my thoughts.

This is by far the most helpful approach I’ve found on my healing journey. I learned it from the book Letting Go by David Hawkins and I suspect that it will also work well for many other people. If your brain works differently than mine, this approach may not work for you. If, however, attempting to reframe things or forcibly change your thoughts hasn’t done it for you, then I would highly recommend this approach. It may be exactly what you need.

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Risk

Is it acceptable to put another person at risk of harm without their permission? If so, what type of harm, what degree of risk, in what situations, how often, and why? If not, why not, and how might that force some or all of us to change our behavior to avoid unacceptable risks or consequences? These are some important questions that are both unanswered and rarely even discussed. However, I see a lot of people having conversations about risky behavior as if these questions have been seriously considered, thoroughly discussed, and answered to the satisfaction of most or all people. With all of that in mind, here are some of my thoughts on the difficulties involving questions about risk.

Driving is a good example with which to start. All driving carries some type of risk, whether to the driver, passengers, or bystanders. No matter how well the cars are maintained and driven, there is always a risk that something will go wrong and someone will be injured or killed. That risk may be close to zero but it is never zero. What, then, is the solution? Get permission to drive from everyone within range of a car before hitting the road? Even if possible, that would be extremely difficult and time-consuming. Further, by the time everyone within range has given their permission (and there may be some occasional holdouts that would make unanimous consent impossible, and would driving then be impermissible in those situations?), there may be some new people within range who would then have to also give their permission. If it’s not acceptable to put someone at even a minuscule risk of being injured or killed without their permission and such permission cannot be achieved, then that would spell the end of car travel. The same would go for air travel as air travel, even if it’s safer overall than car travel, still brings its own set of risks, such as being able to fly over a much greater distance than one can drive and thus put more people in potential harm’s way. No more driving to work, no more flying within or between countries, no more plane shipments, no more fire trucks, and no more ambulance. Those would be a few of the many changes that this would require.

In the example of car travel, what risks are acceptable and what risks are unacceptable? The answers depend on who you ask. Someone who wants things to continue largely as they are may point out all the pros of car travel and all potential cons of a public transportation system. Conversely, someone who wants a public transportation system may point out all the pros of such a system and all the cons of car travel. The difficult task is getting both people to take an objective look at each approach and weigh all considerations fairly to determine the better way to go. However, even if it can be clearly determined which system carries the least risk, that still doesn’t determine whether or not risk is even acceptable or answer the other questions at the start of this post.

Another important consideration is what risks would come from a massive shift in behavior. Sticking with the car example, suppose everybody did give up individual driving. How would that impact everyone’s ability to work, receive emergency assistance, visit their loved ones, escape from danger, etc? If everyone would be worse off overall without individual driving, would that make the risks of individual driving acceptable? If there are no perfect solutions, then the only other option I see is a trade-off that involves minimizing harm and maximizing benefit. That’s not my ideal answer so I keep searching in the hope of finding one.

I have no definite answers to any of the above questions. Further, I’m not convinced that any objective answers can be reached. It is absolutely possible to reach a variety of answers via subjective means. One way is by looking at each situation separately and coming up with individual solutions each time rather than developing a general approach that is meant to fit all situations. Another one includes everyone involved all coming to an agreement about what they want to do and what risks they’re willing to face. A third possibility involves using if/then statements to bring about an ought rather than trying to have an ought with no if/then qualifier (for example, “If you want to be healthy, then you ought to eat healthy foods” vs “You ought to eat healthy foods”).

Rather than providing answers, this has been my attempt to point out some potential problems with existing views about risk as well as attempt to start a much-needed conversation about risk in general. I’d much rather us be able to talk about these and other related issues so we can decide for ourselves what kind of world we’d like to live in rather than have those decisions made for us by people who neither know us nor have our best interests in mind. This has been my take on risk and now I’d like to hear yours. How do you answer the questions in this post? Let me know so that we can all have this long-overdue conversation and use it as a starting point to improve our world.

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The Poetry of Language

Writing, as with everything else, is easiest when the mind is still and ideas are allowed to flow freely. A writing block I sometimes experience comes from trying to make it perfect on the first go. I can overcome this block by giving myself permission to simply record my thoughts as they come to me without caring how they’re arranged. I almost always go back later and edit what I’ve written but, while the ideas are flowing, the only important thing is writing them out.

Sometimes I see people arguing over grammar or the “improper” use of language. Having a foundation in grammar is useful. It gives you a framework within which you can learn to speak, read, and write, in addition to making it easier to communicate with other people who speak the same language. Once you’ve gotten a feel for language, though, it’s much more fun to throw the rules out whenever you like. Sometimes the best way to communicate is grammatically incorrect. For example, they say not to start sentences with a conjunction. But if that’s how you want to communicate, go for it. Also, no fragments. None. Never. Nope. How about ending sentences with a preposition? You could say “This is the sort of nonsense up with which I will not put.” While that puts the preposition closer to the middle of the sentence rather than at the end, it’s more awkward to say and more difficult to understand than “This is the sort of nonsense I will not put up with.” When in doubt, I personally go for ease of understanding rather than grammatical perfection or rhetorical flair.

Speaking of flair, let’s talk about style. Style can keep people interested in what you’re saying but the most stylish speech that’s lacking in substance is nothing more than auditory entertainment. With little to no depth, it is soon forgotten as it leaves no lasting impression on the listener. Substance with style is where it’s at, and the best style to use is your own. Your personal style comes from the very core of who you are, allows you to share your perspective of the world as only you can, and doesn’t even attempt to copy someone else’s. While your style may be influenced by several speakers and writers you love, it will still be uniquely yours, just as it should be.

You don’t have to take my word for it. Many of the most famous and celebrated writers took liberties with language at their convenience. Their works are beloved despite, or perhaps because of, their grammatical flexibility. Sometimes using slang, a contraction, or an unusual phrase makes a line flow more smoothly or resonate more deeply within the soul of the reader. Only the biggest sticks in the mud would criticize the form of these works when their function is superb. This ability to bend, break, and banish the rules isn’t reserved for only the best writers, however. You can do it all you like, whether you write for an audience of one or an audience of millions.

The poetry of language is a wonderful playground for anyone who wishes to enjoy it, so don’t stress over keeping your writing and speaking in line with “proper” grammatical constraints. The best works are heavy on the artistic side and light on the technical side. Play around to find your own voice and style that lets you have fun in your own way. The best way I can think to close is with Stephen Fry beautifully displaying his deep love of language. Take care and enjoy using language in a way that makes your heart sing.

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