Overcoming Guilt

Posted on August 25, 2021 by admin

Guilt has been the hardest emotion for me to work through. It’s been present in almost everything I’ve done from a young age since that’s how I was raised. Stand up for myself? Guilt. Fail to stand up for myself? Guilt. Speak my mind? Guilt. Hold my tongue? Guilt. Do something bad? Guilt. Do something good? Guilt. Feel bad about myself? Guilt. Feel good about myself? Guilt. It’s only recently that I’ve pinpointed this as the source of so many of my struggles and have developed anything resembling a healthy, effective way to handle it. Here’s what I’ve learned.

Some experiences have been vastly more difficult than others for me to overcome. Even after letting go of huge amounts of anger, regret, sadness, and grief, I still wouldn’t be able to let go of certain experiences. I didn’t know what was left of them but I could tell something was still there. Eventually, I realized it was guilt. Guilt for feeling badly toward someone (even if they had hurt me). Guilt for not standing up for myself or for the rare occasions in which I’d take a stand. Guilt for still holding on to things that happened decades ago. Guilt for feeling upset in the first place. Once I let go of the guilt from a particular situation, I’d feel a deep sense of peace about whatever happened and mostly forget about it, which is a sure sign that I’ve fully let something go.

I had a recent breakthrough that’s opened up huge doors for me and inspired this post. I’ve gotten good enough at noticing when guilt comes up to prevent it from turning into negative self-talk. Getting bogged down in hateful words or thoughts toward myself was what held me back for so long. Now that I can avoid the words and thoughts and focus instead on the feelings themselves, I can overcome anything. This doesn’t mean it’s always a breeze, however. It may still take me hours, days, or even longer to work through a super difficult experience. Still, that’s a vast improvement over the amount of time it used to take me to work through those experiences, if I ever worked completely through them.

Sometimes reminding myself that the feelings will pass if I give them the proper space to run out is enough to allow me to do it. Though the feelings can be overwhelming at times, it always surprises me how quickly they let up once I let them run. Several times a day, I’ll either sit or lie down for 15 minutes at a time and let go. Whatever strong negative emotions I’m feeling at the start of each session (anger, guilt, grief, rage, etc) are almost entirely gone by the end; even when something remains, it’s always much smaller and less intense at the end than it was at the beginning.

Everything in this post also applies to shame since guilt and shame are so similar for me. Now that I’m so aware of how much guilt has affected me, I find it strange that I never realized it before. Though it’s obvious to me now, it took a long time to figure it out. I don’t regret or feel guilty over the time before I made this discovery. I feel relieved to have had this realization that goes hand-in-hand with my breakthrough earlier this year about my inner judge and I’m finding new ways all the time of working through guilt. Things will be different for me from here on out. Easier, lighter, freer, more joyful, and more peaceful. I hope you receive all of that as well.

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Judgments and Stories

Posted on August 18, 2021 by admin

I do my best to avoid judging the emotions I feel throughout the day. On my best days, I apply this to other people as well. It’s easy to make quick judgments, especially when someone does something I dislike. When I avoid judging, instead of thinking “That guy is an idiot,” I may simply observe what happened or think “I don’t like what he did”. This brings me more peace and reminds me that I don’t have to let other people affect my emotions; it’s up to me rather than the other person to decide how I respond.

There’s a difference between feelings and judgments. Judgments come from the mind whereas feelings occur in the body. Left unaddressed, the energy behind those feelings becomes thoughts, judgments, and stories. Staying stuck in any or all of those makes it almost impossible to solve problems because it prevents the emotions from being addressed and released. Tuning into the emotions dissolves the obstructions and allows the emotions to pass when they’re ready. It then becomes possible to effectively address whatever problems you’re facing.

In difficult situations, especially ones involving conflicts, it’s much more effective to stick to emotions rather than judgments. “I feel hurt” comes across quite differently than “You’re a jerk”. Additionally, the emotion is always true while the judgment is purely an opinion; two people may disagree on whether or not someone is a jerk but there can’t be honest disagreement about whether or not someone feels hurt. Focusing on emotions and behavior rather than judgmental accusations allows for true connection and makes it more likely for there to be a resolution.

As simple as this is to understand, it isn’t always easy to remember and apply. It can be hard to avoid getting sucked into the story. When I’m on point, I can observe what’s going through my mind rather than be overtaken by it, tune in to what’s happening in my body, and focus on whatever emotions are coming up. On more difficult days, I tend to get overrun by whatever my mind created out of thin air. This is still pretty new for me and I’m still working on it, but I take comfort in the fact that it’s getting easier with practice. 

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More Thoughts on Echo Chambers

Posted on August 11, 2021 by admin

Crucial Conversations talks a lot about the feeling of safety in communication. Where there’s not a feeling of safety, communication is largely absent. Some people may still speak to each other by way of yelling, making insults, and mocking each other, but that’s completely ineffective. This lays the groundwork for echo chambers.

Echo chambers arise when certain subjects are considered to be off limits for general discussion and so can’t be discussed in an effective manner. Nobody likes having their voice squashed so when that happens to someone, they may seek out places where they can talk about whatever they like. Those places tend to be full of other people who agree with them and are also sick of being dismissed, so there can a lot of agreement with hardly any pushback. This tends to reinforce existing views without allowing much, if any, discussion from those who think quite differently. In addition to making it hard to see flaws in the ideas being discussed, this also makes it easy to start seeing people who think differently as evil. From there, one is only a few short steps away from wishing harm upon those people, including wanting them to die. I’ve seen that sentiment quite a bit lately and it disturbs me deeply, especially when it comes from people I know.

Far too many people yell at, insult, shame, and threaten people until they either stop outwardly disagreeing or go away. All that does is make those on the receiving end of such treatment more inclined to stick with their existing viewpoints and see those dishing out that treatment as their enemies. If the purpose of this approach is to change minds, then this is a horrible strategy. If the purpose is to make people feel bad and increase existing divisions, then it’s a wonderful strategy. Regardless of the intentions behind that strategy, it almost always originates from talking points developed and practiced in echo chambers. When people from two different echo chambers meet and don’t immediately agree with each other, then the personal attacks and attempts to pound their viewpoints into each other begin, and any hope of productive discourse ends.

Some people seem to misunderstand what I’m about to say next. This doesn’t mean that the alternative to shouting matches and shaming sessions is to do nothing, to ignore people who think differently, or to go along with whatever they say without challenging them. Those approaches also serve no good purpose. The effective alternative is having real conversations with people in which you find out their concerns. Ask relevant questions, encourage them to go deep, and hear them out as they explain where they’re coming from. When I’ve done this from a place of genuine interest and curiosity, it has almost always resulted in the other person being willing to then hear me out and, on at least one occasion, asking for my thoughts before I even began to share them. That sort of connection feels incredible and is essential for building bridges to a better future.

As long as enough people continue to either shut down or totally take over conversations, things will continue as they are. Making things better requires getting out of the echo chambers, having those difficult conversations, actually hearing each other out, and working together to solve problems wherever possible. It’s not always easy, comfortable, or pleasant. However, when the issues involved are important enough, it becomes crucial to put up with the awkwardness and stick with each other long enough to make progress. And above all, remember that we’re all human beings. That’s the way forward.

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Finding the Magic

Posted on August 4, 2021 by admin

A few weekends ago, I went to the beach with some friends. We had a wonderful visit and enjoyed a breathtaking sunset before leaving. We went in the evening and there weren’t a lot of man-made lights by the beach so it started getting quite dark toward the end. Dark enough that we probably could have seen a starry sky if it weren’t for the cloud cover. The next day, I watched the opening scene of The Lion King and was moved to tears at its beauty and power. I had some wonderfully deep conversations at my job the following day that reminded me that I’m not alone in how I see the world.

All of this showed me how much magic is available to us. I experienced a lot of it as a kid before a number of life events gradually beat it out of me. Since I’ve healed so much, I’m reconnecting with that magic now more than ever and it’s amazing to see it all come back. Problems seem to melt away, solutions present themselves automatically, peace is becoming my default state, and things that used to really get to me no longer do. I’m not the exception here; all of this is available to everyone.

One of my missions in life is to remind others of the possibilities available to us. We live on a big rock flying through a seemingly endless void of space and there are far more questions than answers about life. Keeping this perspective in mind is a great way to remember how petty all of humanity’s dramas, conflicts, and issues are. This world can be almost any way we want it to be and it’s too easy to forget that amid the hustle and bustle of modern life. Everyone needs to remember that we’re not meant to work tirelessly, pay bills, cycle through routines endlessly, and then die after raising kids to do the same exact thing. Anytime we are faced with a decision to do things the same way they’ve always been done or do them a better way and we choose the better way, that’s magic. That’s what will lead to a better world, a world that prioritizes health, well-being, connection, and joy over division, material gain, and financial accomplishments that ultimately cost far more than they are worth. That better world is available to us if we want it. So, do you want it?

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Stay Out of the Story

Posted on July 28, 2021 by admin

My mind is rarely content to sit with emotions. It loves to turn them into a story and run with it as a justification for those feelings. This prevents understanding of what actually happened and makes it much harder to heal from any pain that may have come up.

Stories are everywhere. They’re all over a variety of media, at home, in the workplace, on billboards, and almost anywhere else people gather. And they’re almost always wrong. This is especially the case when the stories stem from negative emotions. The worst way to respond to a story is to run with it instead of checking in with someone else to see whether or not the story is correct. Was that person actually a jerk to me, or is “jerk” just a label my mind is applying to them because I disliked what they did (or what I did)? If I run with the story that comes up as a result of feeling hurt, I may treat the person poorly in response. By pausing, noticing the emotions that are coming up, and observing the story without getting lost in it, I have an opportunity to ask for clarification. When they explain their intentions, relief comes in and the conversation is prevented from escalating into a conflict. It takes a lot more to make things right after acting badly on assumptions than it does to clarify the situation before acting.

Why get caught up in stories and all the drama they create? Why not instead process the underlying emotions and be free from it all? After all, as Kurt Vonnegut explains in this wonderful lecture, we don’t know enough to know what is good news and what is bad news. Stories don’t tell us which is which; all they do is explain why we think something is good or bad based on the positive or negative emotions we’re feeling. It’s much nicer to focus on how I’m feeling and enjoy feeling good when I like what’s happening. Stories only get in the way of that.

I realize that avoiding stories is much easier said than done. With some particularly painful emotions, it takes a huge amount of effort to notice the stories as they are being written and avoid blindly following them. On my best days, I can avoid trouble by acknowledging stories as they come up, observing what’s going on with my emotions, and checking in with my body. It also helps to talk with the other person instead of talking at them. As difficult as this all can be, it has gotten much easier over time. If I could learn to do this, anyone can, and I hope everyone does.

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Review of So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed

Posted on July 21, 2021 by admin

So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed is an intriguing book by Jon Ronson. It covers a wide range of subjects related to public shaming. Here is a brief overview along with some of my thoughts on it.

Ronson includes several stories of people who were publicly shamed and interviews as many of them as possible. Most of them fared poorly from it, whether by losing their jobs or even going so far as to taking their own lives, but a few seemed largely unaffected by it. Those in the latter category make up the part of the book in which Ronson examines possible ways to avoid feeling shamed in the first place or to recover from a public shaming.

Additionally, Ronson discusses how public shaming used to be a common legal punishment in the US before it was mostly phased out. However, his interview with Ted Poe, who as a judge made extensive use of public shaming in his sentences, showed that it has still been used fairly recently in the modern legal system. As public shaming has become less common in that area, it has become more common elsewhere thanks to social media. Most of the stories Ronson covers originated on Twitter and, to him, seemed to mostly begin with people who had good intentions. Ronson also thinks that those who participated in the shaming (as he himself used to do) had good intentions: sticking up for people without a voice, speaking truth to power, attempting to stop bad behavior, etc. Although he described a few scenarios in which public shaming may be the best way to go, such as in stopping systemic violence or oppression, he seems opposed to using it for trivial incidents in which nobody is hurt.

The sense I got from the book is that public shaming may change someone’s behavior without changing who they are. If that’s the case, then an apology from someone who has been publicly shamed comes across more as an attempt to return to their normal life (such as finding a job if their shaming resulted in them getting fired) than a result of deep introspection and true remorse for what they did. Whether or not someone ought to show remorse depends on the situation as public shaming can be used in response to nearly anything even remotely controversial. That’s one reason I dislike public shaming. Another is the fact that it can shut down the potential for productive conversations. I’d rather people talk things out than attempt to destroy each other, whether through violence or through shame. One alternative idea I like is calling people in rather than calling them out, as Loretta Ross explains so well in this article. I’d like to see more of that.

So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed didn’t change my mind as I went into it opposed to public shaming. If anything, it made me more convinced of the need to find an alternative. To do that effectively, it first has to be determined why people engage in public shaming. I suspect that there are a few primary reasons. By keeping the spotlight on other people, they hope to avoid becoming the target of anyone’s scrutiny or vitriol. Further, it’s much easier to become incensed by the behavior of others than it is to acknowledge the same behavior in ourselves and work through it. Lastly, it can act as a way for those who otherwise feel like they have no influence to have a temporary feeling of power. If any or all of those suspicions are correct, then it makes engaging in public shaming an extremely tempting offer which many people find incredibly difficult to refuse. Some people seem to be turned away from it only after they themselves are shamed. I’m certain that there are other, better ways to end public shaming once and for all. Over time, this book may prove to be one such way. I hope it does.

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Oh, That Explains It

Posted on July 14, 2021 by admin

I had a recent realization about positive and negative emotions. Long before I started doing any real emotional work, I could still feel happiness, excitement, joy, and peace. I often felt all of those emotions when I went out swing dancing. After the dance ended and I went home, the positive emotions gradually faded until I was left with the negativity that I hadn’t let go of yet. Looking back, I think I know why.

Brad Blanton, author of Radical Honesty, said the following in his TEDx Talk: “When you experience an experience, it comes and goes. And when you resist experiencing an experience, it persists.” I knew this to be the case for negative emotions but didn’t realize it also seems to apply to positive emotions as well. Even when I’m feeling a lot of negativity, I can still forget about that for a while if I go out for some dancing, juggling, or anything else that makes me feel alive and brings up a lot of positive emotions. By fully experiencing those emotions, they eventually fade. When there’s a lot of underlying negativity, that then comes back into focus and stays there until I fully experience it as well. I think that explains why I’d have that crash after feeling a lot of positive emotions.

This doesn’t mean that letting go of all emotions results in being left with nothing. In my experience, the best states I’ve felt have been ones of deep peace and contentment. That feels different to me than a highly charged emotion such as happiness or excitement. It feels deeper, more real, and lasts longer. These states can be difficult to enter due to the negative emotions I haven’t yet released. As I continue with my inner work, it becomes easier to get into those higher states and they also feel deeper and last longer. I think that this will accelerate the further along I go. For now, the work I’ve done makes it easier to come down gently from elevated emotions as there is rarely ever a big crash into negativity as there was before. I hope this was helpful for you and I look forward to seeing what happens as I keep working on this.

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Review of The Art of Racing in the Rain

Posted on July 7, 2021 by admin

Last week I finished reading The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. It’s one of the best books that I’ve read this year and it gave me many conflicting emotions as I went through it. The book contains a lot of great stuff about life so I wanted to share some of my thoughts on it.

I won’t attempt to recap the plot here as I’d rather keep it a surprise in case you’d like to read it. I will, however, give a brief overview of the main characters and some parts of the book. Enzo is a dog who narrates the whole story. He lives with his owner named Denny along with Denny’s wife Eve and their daughter Zoe. The story follows them through the different seasons of life. The book’s title comes from Denny’s career in auto racing. He is an exceptionally skilled driver, especially when it comes to driving in rain. This becomes important through the bulk of the book as he and his family navigate some incredibly difficult situations.

I experienced a lot of laughter, frustration, anger, and sadness throughout this book. Stein brilliantly captured what I’ve always thought to be the inner world of a dog. That’s where a lot of the humor originated. Sadness came from some musings on life, death, and unexpected hardships. Anger and frustration came from the injustices Denny experienced at the hands of people and institutions that make such injustices possible. On a more positive note, the book helped me release some remaining negative emotions around my dog Sawyer’s advancing age. I have done that before but hadn’t worked through everything. Even if there are still things left to release, I’m much closer to having released everything than I was before reading the book.

The Art of Racing in the Rain is a wonderful book for those who are ready for it. Due to the heavy subjects it covers and some things that may be triggering, I’d recommend making sure you’re in a fairly stable life situation before reading it. If you’re not in a good life situation, it may be too much for you or you may not get as much out of it as you otherwise could. That’s about all I can say without venturing into spoiler territory. I think everyone should read this book at some point, especially if they have had a pet or experienced a particularly trying time in life. If you’ve read it, please let me know your thoughts on it. Take care and I’ll see you in the next post.

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Recent Musings

Posted on June 30, 2021 by admin

Here are some things that have been on my mind lately. I hope this shows what it can be like to have so many conflicting, contradictory ideas (most of which I’ve picked up from sources other than myself) in my head while attempting to reconcile them. Maybe some are worth keeping while others can be released. We’ll see. For now, here’s what I’ve been thinking about recently.

  • People will only treat me as well as I let them so I have to speak up when they treat me differently than how I want to be treated.
  • Someone treating me poorly reveals more about them than me, although I don’t want to stay silent through poor treatment when speaking up might put a stop to it.
  • When someone else bothers me, it shows something else in my shadow to work through.
  • I do my best to treat people as I want to be treated, but should that include the people who treat me badly? Should I push back against bad behavior directed at me?
  • Holding my tongue to keep the peace creates drama; speaking up creates drama.
  • I dislike conflict and I want to avoid it at almost all costs.
  • I’m learning how to not be afraid of my emotions.
  • A lot of things are coming up even though I thought I was over them, so clearly there’s more work to do there.
  • Maybe my sleeping troubles are being exacerbated by attempting to force myself to sleep instead of relaxing and allowing sleep to come to me.
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Take It to the Limit

Posted on June 23, 2021 by admin

For most of my life, I’ve taken things as far as I can. It’s taken me a long time to find balance with anything and (almost) everything I do. While it can be frustrating at times, taking things to the limit is a great way to find out any problems they may have, especially problems that would easily be missed by only going part of the way.

Here’s an example. My ideas on the ownership of property have changed dramatically over the past few years. Once I saw some previously unforeseen implications of the views I once held and found them distasteful, in no small part because they conflicted with some of my other values, I started rethinking a lot of things. As a result, I now no longer attempt to follow an arbitrarily chosen idea to its limits in each situation regarding property. One solution can’t adequately resolve to my satisfaction every issue that arises. Sometimes such an approach turns out pleasantly but other times it turns out unpleasantly. My current approach is an attempt to find an answer that brings all of my values together without leaving any by the wayside. Much more difficult than what I did before but well worth the effort.

This process first requires having enough self-awareness to notice what you think. You can then examine why you think as you do about a particular subject and see if your thinking is consistent. If not, you can decide what to do about it. There are at least a few options here. One is to act as if there are no issues. Another is to make exceptions as often as needed, although this can become problematic if taken too far as having more exceptions to the rule than instances of the rule being followed means that the underlying rule is unnecessary. Still another option is to adopt a better, more holistic perspective. While there may be other options I haven’t considered, of the ones mentioned here, I think the third one is the best and it’s what I’ve done whenever possible.

Most people never seem to acquire enough self-awareness to do anything in the previous paragraph. That may be why it’s common to see someone hold completely contradictory views without appearing to realize it; if the inconsistency is pointed out, rather than acknowledging it and changing something, they may ignore it, become upset, or think up a rationalization that attempts to explain away the discrepancy. I’ve done all of those and still catch myself doing one or more of them at times. In a calm state of mind, it’s quite humbling to notice it and noticing it makes me strive to be more thorough in my thinking. Whether or not it’s possible to have total consistency in a way that I find acceptable, I work on getting as close as I can and make sure to have fun along the way.

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