My Goals for 2025

Posted on December 11, 2024 by admin

It’s time to lay out my goals for next year. Just like I’ve done for the last few years, I’m keeping things simple again. That was essential this year, given how crazy 2024 turned out to be. I hope that 2025 will be much better. Still, I’ve got just a few goals I’d like to accomplish next year. If I get close with any of these, my life will improve tremendously; I’d like to see what will happen if I knock them all out of the park. Without further ado, here are my goals for 2025.

  1. Have more important conversations. Though these are often difficult, I dislike calling them “difficult conversations.” That often sets them up for failure or prevents them from happening altogether. Despite all the communication skills I’ve learned and all the emotional pain I’ve released that’s made those skills easier to use, I still struggle to voice my concerns, needs, and requests with those close to me. Although I believe in disconnecting from abusive humans, I don’t want disconnection to be my go-to response whenever things get uncomfortable with humans who aren’t abusive. I fear that that is what is happening. This is still uncomfortable for me to do, so I believe it will be the hardest of my goals for next year. However, it’s worth dealing with the temporary discomfort to prevent the permanent loss of my important relationships. I plan to face a lot of that discomfort next year.
  2. Thrive financially. This year, I survived financially. Next year, I want to thrive. No more working almost every day only to have the small amount of money I make disappear much faster than it comes in. No more skating the line between staying afloat and sinking. And no more having to be absurdly strategic with how I handle my finances week to week. I want to get back to where my financial situation was years ago, when I could easily go on several multiday trips a year outside of work, handle unexpected expenses without issue, and consistently save money by making much more than I spent every month while still regularly enjoying things that cost money (eating out frequently, impulse purchases, group activities at the movie theater or bowling alley, and so on). If 2025 picks up where 2024 looks as if it will leave off, then I’ll be able to do all that and more. I feel excited for it.
  3. Heal other pain. Over the last two years, I’ve been able to heal nearly all the pain around my dog Sawyer’s death. That’s remarkable to me as for over a year, I was in so much pain that I thought I would never feel any better. Since I feel much better now in that area, I want to go deeper into other painful areas, especially the original wounds that have been with me since I was a little kid. It was a pleasant surprise to find that healing the pain of Sawyer’s death also healed some other pain. Additionally, it showed me that even pain that seems unending can still be healed with enough attention over time. Now that the worst pain I’ve ever felt is mostly gone, I look forward to seeing what a year of focusing on older, deeper pain will do.
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The Importance of Accepting Responsibility

Posted on December 4, 2024 by admin

There’s a powerful scene toward the end of Monsters, Inc. After being repeatedly asked to demonstrate a proper roar, Sully reluctantly does so. However, he inadvertently scares Boo so badly that she starts crying. When he goes to comfort her, she hides and runs away while still crying. It’s not until Sully sees pictures of how he looked while roaring and how close Boo was to him at the time that he understands how much he hurt her, albeit unintentionally. While Sully didn’t mean to hurt Boo, this scene still serves as an excellent example of reconciling with someone after hurting them.

Whenever there’s an unpleasant encounter between two individuals, it’s a tossup as to how the attempt at reconciliation will go (or if there will be such an attempt at all). Some take responsibility for their behavior while others don’t. It’s also common for both of them to deny responsibility. This is the case even when it’s clear to anyone that one particular individual either contributed much more to the negativity or even caused the whole ordeal singlehandedly. The ego wants to avoid responsibility at all times and in all situations. Those who are strongly under the grip of their own ego may lack the self-awareness necessary to notice when they reject responsibility for what they’ve done, even if they reflect on it later when their emotions have settled. Sometimes they have to see or hear a recording of their behavior before they realize how bad things are and commit to doing better. Even then, not all will have that moment of realization that they need to do better, and they’ll continue behaving just as badly as they always have.

You might be able to guess where this post is going next if you’ve read similar posts from me in the past. The short version is that I want most of my interactions to be with those who take responsibility for their mistakes and eliminate (or at least minimize) my interactions with those who take no responsibility. I’ve learned the hard way that some will never come around, no matter what I do. Even when I’m feeling calm, have thought a lot about what I want to say, approach someone when they’re feeling good and aren’t otherwise occupied, and phrase my requests as civilly and politely as possible, there are some who will still react defensively, play the victim, and try to escalate what could easily be a conversation into a fight. Further, it seems as if those sorts of humans thrive on such negative engagements; I feel incredibly tired and drained afterward while they seem more alive and powerful. With these folks, there is no winning them over through kindness or beating them at their own game by stopping to their level. The only way to win is to not play the game.

I’ll add that I am willing to forgive and reconcile with those who see the error of their ways early on, own up to it, apologize, make it right, and then do better next time. This seems to be fairly common among humans. Animals, as usual, go further. My dog Sawyer always forgave me and welcomed me back whenever I messed up one of our interactions. This process took increasingly less time as we grew closer together in our friendship. However, I don’t know if Sawyer would have done this if I hadn’t shown remorse and done better moving forward. Animals that have been heavily abused often either become incredibly aggressive or seek to avoid others at all costs. As wonderful as animals are and as much as they have to teach humans about how to treat others, they still have their limits.

While I don’t want to interact with those who see fit to treat me badly and never apologize or treat me better, I still am working on being able to forgive them. My idea of forgiveness is about coming to peace within myself, regardless of what they have done in the past or will do in the future. It doesn’t mean that what they did is ok or that I have to allow them to continue doing it. It just means that they don’t owe me anything. I don’t want anyone to live rent-free in my head, especially someone who has hurt me. Their abuse was bad enough when it happened; I don’t want to keep reliving it long after we’ve stopped interacting. The small amount of work I’ve done on this as of late has been quite freeing. I look forward to seeing how much more freedom it gives me as I continue practicing it alongside spending time with my preferred human and animal friends.

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My 2024 Gratitude List

Posted on November 27, 2024 by admin

Although 2024 has been one of the hardest years of my life, I still feel grateful for some things. With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I decided to put together a gratitude list. Simply thinking about what to include has made me feel a bit better and typing it all out has helped even more. Without further ado, here are some things for which I feel grateful this year.

  1. Physical health improvements. While I still have some health issues, my overall health is far better now than it was earlier this year. I’ve mostly stuck to the healthier eating habits that made me feel much better when I had lots of internal issues in March. I’ve also gotten back into working out regularly, both to help my juggling and in the hope of fixing a new health problem that has arisen (as well as warding off future problems). I’m enjoying working out again, and I look forward to seeing what it does for both my hobbies and my health.
  2. Supportive humans. My circles have gradually gotten smaller. Even though I still know a lot of humans, I am only close with a small handful of them. I prefer that to regularly interacting with lots of people yet knowing hardly any of them beyond the surface level. My friends have gotten me through some incredibly hard seasons, and I don’t know what I’d do without them.
  3. My life situation is slowly improving. If you’ve read my posts throughout this year, then you’ll know how much of a struggle 2024 has been for me. Despite all the challenges, things are getting better. In addition to the physical health improvements I mentioned above, there have also been improvements in my finances, emotional and mental health, and close relationships. This is such a huge relief, and I hope it continues.
  4. Many animal visits. Whether it’s been at the zoo, nearby puppy store, local park, my neighborhood, friends’ houses, or randomly in other public places, I’ve gotten to pet and visit with lots of animals this year. Almost all of these visits have been pleasant, which has done a great deal to relax and heal me from the many bumps I’ve encountered in life.
  5. Lots of fond memories, pictures, and videos of my dog Sawyer. The pain around Sawyer’s death continues to go down, and the little bit that remains is much easier to handle than it was in the first year. Even though he’s not here physically anymore, I keep his memory alive by telling others about him, sharing pictures and videos, spending time by his grave each day, and thinking about the wonderful times we shared. I’ll keep doing that until the end of my time on Earth and, I hope, the start of my eternal reunion with Sawyer.
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How to Vent

Posted on November 20, 2024 by admin

I’ve talked a bit about venting in some previous posts, although I hadn’t consolidated my take on venting until now. The approach I have in mind is intended to eliminate venting whenever possible and maximize its effectiveness when it still happens. Given my experience with using it, I find it to work pretty well, and I hope you also do. Here’s my take on how to vent.

  1. Get permission before venting. It’s so easy to start venting to someone without considering how they’re feeling, what’s going on in their life, and if they’re up for hearing about your concerns. Unfortunately, this can be extremely hard on someone who is already having a hard time. It’s important to remember that those you know are human beings, not human doings, and that your words can and do have a great impact on them, especially if you’re close. Although it didn’t happen much, I still occasionally experienced the pain of being vented to while still in deep agony over my dog Sawyer’s death just a few months after it happened. That just made me feel even worse and made me want to avoid those who would rather vent to me without first getting my permission than check in to see how I was doing. My poor boundary skills and difficulty communicating effectively in the midst of that deep pain prevented me from walking away or asking for the venting to stop; those problems are much smaller for me now that the pain around Sawyer’s death is almost gone and my boundaries have improved tremendously.
  2. Focus on the emotions underneath the words. Most venting I’ve heard and done involves talking at length about a particular situation, everyone who is involved, sequences of events, who said or did what, and more. What often gets ignored are the emotions of the person who is doing the venting. Rarely do I hear anyone say that they feel _____ (frustrated, sad, horrified, etc.) in response to what happened. Since the emotions underneath the thoughts run the show, focus on those when venting instead of endless thoughts, words, and needless details.
  3. Make your reasons for venting clear. One of the most common reasons for not knowing how to help someone is that the person wanting help doesn’t say what they want and need. When you vent, are you looking for advice, a sounding board, compassion, a hug, help sorting things out, or something else? It’s hard to know how to help you if even you aren’t sure what you want and need, or if you haven’t expressed those things clearly to the person you’re hoping can help you. If you don’t make it clear, then those who are listening to you might zone out or wonder why you’re saying what you are. Before you start venting, figure out what you want and need, whether by talking it out on your own, writing it down, or anything else that makes your intentions clear.
  4. Keep it brief. Although venting sessions can sometimes go for hours, that is entirely unnecessary. This happens either when the person doing the venting isn’t feeling heard or is focusing on everything but the emotions that they feel in response to whatever situation they’re venting about. You don’t have to go into excruciating detail about everything in a particular situation once you’ve noticed how it makes you feel (angry, shocked, confused, depressed, etc.). Focusing on the emotions allows you to get to the root of the problem quickly and prevents the venting from degrading into complaining without any intention of fixing what’s wrong. It can also prevent habitual, compulsive venting to the point that it becomes the majority of how you interact with those close to you (a practice that can build up immense resentment on the parts of the listeners and result in the weakening or even total severing of relationships that become Win/Lose instead of Win/Win as you take far more than you give). If you vent longer than a few minutes to someone else and it seems like relief is still a long way away, take a break. The break might allow everything to settle into the answer you were seeking, or it may clarify things enough that another, shorter conversation puts the pieces together. Less is more with many things in life, and venting is certainly one of those things.
  5. Be careful what you say. This applies especially when you’re venting to someone about another person whom you both know. It’s incredibly awkward to be put in that kind of position and it can strain all the relationships involved. This can also easily stray into simply slamming or gossiping about the person who isn’t around to hear and respond to anything negative you’re saying about them. Worse yet, if this happens frequently, it can make the person to whom you’re venting wonder if you vent and gossip to others about them when they’re not around. To avoid all of this, there are a few options. You could think about how you’d approach this if the person you’re venting about were there and could hear everything you’d say. Another approach is to consider how you’d like someone to vent about you and how you’d feel if you later learned everything they said when you weren’t around. The best approach of all is to go straight to the person with whom you’re having an issue and work through it with that person instead of trying to work it out by delivering a one-sided soliloquy to someone who isn’t involved in the situation and can’t fix it for you.
  6. Work through your emotions before, during, and after the venting. Nobody else can do this for you, and the failure to do this will result in prolonged discomfort and the desire to vent even more, whether to the same person or to many different people. I vented about the same concern to a dozen or more people years ago, and all it did was give me temporary relief that soon gave way to the same amount of pain as I had before venting. It wasn’t until I worked through all the emotions involved in that situation that my emotions settled down, peace took the place of pain, I stopped thinking about it nonstop, and the urge to vent about it went away. Increasing your emotional intelligence in this way will make you less inclined to vent and either improve your difficult relationships or give you the courage to walk away if they’re more trouble than they’re worth.
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The Close of Another Chapter

Posted on November 13, 2024 by admin

This is going to be another emotionally heavy post. My grandmother died last month. Now that there’s been a fair amount of time since her death, I feel more comfortable talking about it and some related things that are currently happening. This post will focus mostly on what has happened since the funeral.

The funeral itself went about as well as it could have. I stayed at my grandparents’ house the night before with some other family members to save myself from a long drive the morning of the funeral. Several other family members met there the next morning before we all headed over to the funeral home. Some of us got to view my grandmother’s body quite a while before the service started. Unlike at my grandfather’s funeral back in 2017, I shed only a few tears during the service; I must have cried out enough before her funeral to feel ok that day. We then drove over to the cemetery for another brief graveside service and visited more with each other before parting ways.

Since the funeral is over, the biggest focus at this point is my grandparents’ house. They lived in that house for almost my whole life. Since they now have no more use for it, it’s being put up for sale soon. That house has been part of my life since the year after I was born. It’s like a second home to me. I practically grew up there and spent far more years going out there than I’ve lived in my current house, and their house will soon be inaccessible to me. I feel deeply upset about that.

It’s the most peaceful house I’ve ever been in. The house sits on two acres of land in a rural area, so I pass by several other large plots of land with horses and cows whenever I drive there and back. There’s plenty of space between all the houses in the neighborhood, and it’s far enough away from a main road to get pretty quiet on most occasions. I love hanging out on the back porch swing, soaking up the silence, and watching the birds going about their day. Few other experiences are so relaxing to me. I will dearly miss that tradition, along with the house, all the wonderful memories it holds, and the family members who lived there for most of my life.

There have already been some big changes to that house. In addition to my grandparents no longer living there, some things have been given away, and lots of things have been rearranged. I’ve helped a bit with that, and I hope to do more of it in the near future. Still, this situation is upsetting for me for a few reasons. One of them is that it signifies that my time at that house is drawing to a close. The bigger reason has to do with external memories. Sometimes I’ll come across an item I haven’t seen or even thought about in ages. Whenever that happens, a flood of memories always follows, and I get transported back to experiences that had long ago stopped crossing my mind. That’s why I have a hard time parting with things from my past and my room is overrun with stuff. I fear that if I lose access to the objects that unlock precious memories, I’ll also lose access to the memories themselves. I hope that doesn’t happen with the loss of that house. I’m glad I’ve gotten to see the house a few times while it was mostly the same as I remember, in addition to getting some mementos over the last few visits.

This is similar to what I dealt with after my dog Sawyer’s death. Aside from the pain of his death, there is the lingering pain of knowing that for the rest of my Earthly life, Sawyer and I will get no more walks, naps together, cuddles, playtime, good nights and good mornings, excited greetings after returning home, etc. Sometimes it still occurs to me that I’ll never get to make new memories with Sawyer or make up for lost time, and that’s always a painful punch in the gut. That’s after eleven years together. I have no idea how painful it will be when the house that has been in my life for over thirty years goes away. It already hurts to know that there’ll soon be no more holiday gatherings, birthday celebrations, or visits with my grandparents or anybody else out there.

I don’t yet know who will become the new owner of that house. I hope whoever it is will love and cherish it, keep the general layout similar to how it is now, preserve the beautiful wood floors and other lovely features, and make many wonderful memories during their time living there. I’d hate for it to get torn down, radically changed, or converted into a commercial building (though since it’s in a small, rural neighborhood with lots of elderly people living nearby, I think it’s safe from at least two of those possibilities). I’ve stayed overnight there twice recently, once this month and once last month. Both times, I cried when I was alone late at night. Going there makes the situation more real and brings up the painful emotions more easily than when I’m just thinking about it elsewhere. I thought that last month’s visit would be my last time getting to spend the night there or even see the place while it’s still in the family. Since I got to do both of those again this month, I now have no idea how many more such opportunities I’ll get. As long as I’m able, I’ll continue soaking up experiences, taking pictures and videos, getting mementos, and making new memories at that house while I still can. Soon enough, I’ll not be able to make any new memories there and will be left with only the memories I’ve already made. The close of every precious chapter of my life always hurts. It’s so hard to keep going while missing people, places, and things that go away. I hope that the close of this chapter will be as gentle on me as it can be.

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How To Disagree

Posted on November 6, 2024 by admin

Will all the disagreements and fights in the world, you’d think more folks would know how to disagree. Since they don’t, I thought I’d offer some guidance. This post isn’t meant to encourage disagreement. I believe that most disagreements are unnecessary, and certainly the way most humans go about them are unnecessary. This post is essentially my way of saying that if you still feel like disagreeing with somebody, do it this way for best results. Without further ado, here are my recommendations.

  1. Know what you’re disagreeing with. Few things will make you look sillier than rushing in to disagree about something only to find out you actually had no idea what someone else was actually saying. Even worse is if you start out disagreeing strongly with something before realizing that the thing you thought you disagreed with is actually something you believe. To avoid this embarrassment, make sure you understand what is being said well enough that you can explain it in your own words back to the person who said it and get verification that you described it accurately. This requires you to be more interested in hearing out the other person than you are in saying whatever you’re thinking. Since you already know what you think and may not know what someone else is going to say, why not quiet down and listen?
  2. Determine whether or not it’s worth it. For any given subject, is it critically important to have agreement between yourself and at least one other human or can you agree to disagree and move on? In most cases, it’s the latter. Sometimes resolving a disagreement is crucial, such as making sure that the right kind of fuel goes into a vehicle or verifying that this particular patient is the one who is getting a certain lifesaving procedure. However, most fights I’ve seen and been part of have been over trivial matters that don’t result in anyone getting hurt, dying, or living an incredibly low quality of life if agreement is not reached. Even when the issues being discussed are major, they’re normally discussed by humans who have no control over the direction those issues go; because the outcome of those exchanges doesn’t impact those issues at all, it is pointless to have strong, heated disagreements and fights over them.
  3. Converse in person. Online fights are so easy because it’s just text on a screen. It’s hard to remember that behind those words is another living, breathing human who is just as complex and unique as you are. Remembering that is much easier in person, and that makes difficult conversations more likely to be civil. It also prevents you from having to deal with those who spend all day fighting and disagreeing online over any and all subjects of any size, as if they were getting paid to do that (it’s hard to play to an audience if it’s just two of you talking with each other and neither of you get any “points” for making big, outlandish accusations or personal attacks). Additionally, talking in person limits the discussion. Online fights can drag on endlessly with any number of pauses before being resumed. If you’re only talking about a particular subject with someone in person, then both of your schedules, locations in the world, and abilities to come together determine how long you can talk about it, or if you can talk about it at all. The conversation can be made even easier if you’re having it over a meal, athletic activity, or other kind of fun event that helps you both relax and brings you closer together.
  4. Learn what’s going on under the surface. It’s easy to focus solely on the words and intellect, and it’s even easier to fight on those levels. However, much like how an iceberg has much more going on under the surface, so, too, does any exchange between two or more humans. Upbringing, traumatic experiences, nature, nurture, nearby humans (close friends, family members, coworkers, neighbors, etc.), emotions, and much more that is often ignored all play a huge role in shaping what any given individual values and believes. Even if delving into all of that doesn’t bring agreement, it will at least bring understanding, and likely a much greater degree of civility than if all of that were ignored and focus kept only on the surface level issues.
  5. Find common ground. More often than not, humans are far more alike than they are different. This may seem hard to believe, given how much attention is paid toward differences and how much violence surrounds those differences. However, if you’ve completed the previous step, then you have a good idea of just how much you and nearly anyone else has in common. Everyone needs food, water, clothes, shelter, sleep, love, compassion, help, and safety for themselves and their loved ones. Since everyone needs those things and almost everyone wants them, most humans undertake activities and support ideas that they believe will get more of the good and less of the bad. Keeping that in mind can help smooth over conversations between individuals who both agree on where they want to go yet disagree on what they think is the best way to get there.
  6. Move on in peace. Whether or not disagreement is reached, that exchange is one small area of your life. There are way more areas that are far more deserving of your time, energy, and focus. You could have meaningful visits with your friends and family, hang out with any animal friends you have (as I used to do with my dog Sawyer whenever possible), have fun with your hobbies, volunteer for a good cause, or do any number of other things that are good for you and those around you. All of those will make a much bigger and better difference in the world than repeatedly trying to change someone’s mind and letting them know how much you disagree with them.
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What Do You Need?

Posted on October 30, 2024 by admin

“What do you need?” This simple statement can do a world of good for both the one hearing it and the one saying it. When used genuinely, the person who hears it can feel heard, appreciated, and valued; the person who says it can tune in to and focus on the feelings, concerns, and needs of another human. This can put both of them at ease, turn a potential fight into a civil conversation, and pave the way for solutions.

That would be such a breath of fresh air. Instead, unfortunately, there is so much instant disagreement, dismissal, and fighting over seemingly opposing ideas. It’s incredibly common for most people to show far more interest in voicing their own opinions than in hearing out someone else’s feelings and needs. They want to speak and be heard and understood but don’t want to sit quietly and listen and understand. They don’t even take a moment to reflect on what was just said and ask questions to verify that they heard correctly before criticizing and condemning the other person. All of their focus is on the intellectual side of things instead of the emotions of themselves or anyone else involved (although emotions are clearly running the show under the surface and come out through various personal attacks).

This doesn’t apply solely to the most controversial issues of the day. At this point, every disagreement, no matter how small or insignificant, is presented as an epic life-or-death battle between good and evil. Gone is the idea that two intelligent people with good intentions can simply disagree about how to get somewhere they both want to go. As Marshall Rosenberg put it, that just takes them further away from being able to connect empathically to solve problems together and instead keeps them stuck in playing “Who’s Right,” which is a losing game for everyone.

I feel disappointed to see this in those close to me for whom it is a far cry from how they once conducted themselves. These folks used to be much more willing to hear others out, talk in a civil way over disagreements, and keep conversations mostly focused on pleasant subjects. They’re now much less willing to listen, are quick to hostility, and force conversations to take a negative turn by needlessly interjecting controversial subjects. There is no attempt to resolve differences or find solutions, just an endless back and forth over them. And they don’t even talk about what feelings they have over those issues (anger, shock, sadness, etc.), which makes it sound as if they’re just describing facts about the world with no clear reason for doing so.

Beyond my frustration at being around this sort of behavior, I simply don’t understand it. What is the point of this? It never seems as if anyone who does this is looking to solve a problem, and most of the problems that they discuss are ones that can’t be solved without massive changes to systems that encompass millions of individuals. Other than egoic pride over defending ideas that they’ve worked into their identity (and thus act as if they are defending their lives where no threat exists in a perfect illustration of the saying “People don’t have ideas, ideas have people”), why bring up issues that can’t be solved even in the course of one civil conversation, let alone a hostile fight? I doubt they’d want others to do any of that to them, so why do they do any of it to others?

My late dog Sawyer was much better at listening and understanding than most humans I’ve come across. Even in the middle of a big barking fit, he’d still pause and look at me when I said his name and then listen to what I had to say. I didn’t even have to train him to do that; he just did it once he’d gotten comfortable with me. What does that say when a dog automatically picks up the ability to listen with the intent to understand while most humans never get it?

I’m seldom on the receiving end of the above behavior as I rarely challenge what anyone says anymore. That said, I feel extremely comfortable around it (largely because it was forced on me growing up, but also because it’s how I used to act at the slightest disagreement), and it’s still common enough for me to get exposed to it on a fairly regular basis in real life. I long for the day in which the default response to a sharing of concerns is, “What do you need?” In response to that question, here are some of the things I need. I need peace, both alone and around other humans. I need to be valued for who I am, not what I have done, am doing, or may someday do. I need my close relationships to be safe enough that anything can be brought up and worked through together peacefully. I need those around me to sit with their emotions instead of compulsively venting them to me, almost always without checking to see if I’m in a good place to receive said venting. I need enough space to put my words together and speak them fully without being interrupted, talked over, or otherwise shut down. And I need to be taken seriously, especially by those who alternate between praising me and flat-out ignoring my ideas the moment they hear something they dislike. Now, what do you need?

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Healing the Hard Stuff

Posted on October 23, 2024 by admin

There is an idea from The Million Dollar Goal by Dan Gutman that has stuck with me ever since I read that book as a little kid. The idea is that just as you can like someone without loving them, you can also love someone without liking them. Without going too much into spoilers, this is relevant for the main characters after they lose a loved one whom they found it difficult to like. Despite their often-strained relationship, they all felt sad, and perhaps a bit guilty, after their loved one died.

This is something that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough: the complex and even contradictory emotions that often come up after a loved one’s death. It’s expected that there will be lots of sadness, depression, regret, and fear. What many are surprised to find, if they pay close enough attention, is that there may also be feelings of anger, relief, or joy. Anger is commonly felt toward the situation that brought about the loved one’s death (disease, injury, etc.), but it can also be felt toward the loved one for dying, even when it’s obvious on an intellectual level that the loved one didn’t choose to die. Emotions are irrational like that, and that’s perfectly fine. Relief might come to someone who has been taking care of the loved one for a long time, and now they know they’ll never have to do that again. That relief and possibly joy may be felt once the loved one is no longer in pain, struggling with a terrible disease, having to live in this bizarre world, and the like. There may also be joy in believing that the loved one is now living peacefully in paradise after death.

This also includes things they did that annoyed you, stress you felt around wondering when and how they would die, possible resentments over having to take care of them more toward the end of their lives, and any guilt or shame you feel for feeling or thinking those things. Doing this may take quite a while as such feelings toward the deceased are often considered to be taboo and unacceptable (except for when the deceased in question is nearly universally despised).

I believe that the failure to reveal uncomfortable things after the death of a loved one is why so many people feel deeply upset for the rest of their lives. They don’t want to think or feel negatively toward this person who is now gone, so they bury the negative feelings and thus never get to release them. That, along with avoiding feeling the usual emotions of sadness and regret, may very well be the origin of “The pain never goes away” and other similarly destructive ideas. As I’ve written about many times before on this blog, going deeply into the painful emotions around my dog Sawyer’s death is how I’ve been able to heal as much as I have. This involved acknowledging the anger I felt toward Sawyer for living such a short life and having health problems, welcoming the relief that arose after his death after many fearful years spent wondering if he might die in a brutal way, and the small bits of sadness I felt when he only wanted to visit with me for a short while.

This has helped me tremendously in healing the pain from my loved ones who have died, including Sawyer (as mentioned above) and another loved one who died recently. There weren’t many negative feelings in the latter case, so this has been a much easier process. All the sadness I’ve released over the past few years with Sawyer’s death must be a large part of why this recent death hasn’t been nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I feel extremely grateful for that as I’m not in a position to handle the level of devastation I experienced after Sawyer died in 2022.

If any of this resonates with you, then there is good news. You don’t have to tell these hidden feelings to anyone else. Just being real about them with yourself will bring relief. As painful as it may be to acknowledge some of these emotions, doing so is better than constantly suppressing those feelings and, thus, constantly feeling bad. Also, in case you feel fear or guilt at the idea of what others may think of you for doing this, doing this won’t hurt your loved one at all, whether during their life or after their death. As mentioned above, you also don’t have to tell anyone else you’re doing this, let alone reveal any particular feelings or thoughts that come up. If you’re hurting from the death of one or more loved ones, then I hope this post allows you to heal that pain while still treasuring the wonderful love and memories you shared.

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The Most Painful Recurrence

Posted on October 16, 2024 by admin

Life is strange as of late. Some things are going well. Others are still difficult and confusing. I feel a lot of sadness over the impending death of a loved one. This is the first such death I’ve faced since my dog Sawyer died about two and a half years ago. Loved ones dying is always painful, although the pain is always worse after it happens. That’s when it becomes the most real to me, both the death and the knowledge that I won’t see that person again for the rest of my Earthly life.

Despite this, I’m somehow feeling ok. Not great, just ok. Lots of time alone lately is helping a lot with that. Getting both good quality and quantity of sleep recently also helps. Even further, I’ve been doing a lot of stuff I enjoy and getting plenty of self-care. While none of that takes away the pain, it does make it much easier to handle.

This experience is reminding me how important it is to allow my emotions to come up as they’re ready. This is nothing new to me. I’ve had almost two and a half years of practice at sitting with painful emotions since Sawyer’s death. I’m certain that is most of why I’m doing as well as I am right now.

It’s also reminding me how much I hate the phrase, “You can always choose your emotions.” Not unless you were either never traumatized or have healed all your trauma. There may be a small handful of people who can always feel exactly how they want to feel and never have to feel any way they don’t want to feel, but that doesn’t accurately describe most people. A phrase I much prefer is “You can always choose to feel your emotions.” This is much more accurate and useful than the previous phrase. Rather than trying to forcibly stop negative emotions in their tracks, I can allow them to come up and watch them gradually weaken until they’re gone. Whether the emotions are big or small, simple or complex, pleasant or unpleasant, feeling them is the path to healing.

Sawyer’s death knocked me down for over a year. I have no idea how long I’ll be knocked down when my next loved one dies. Given how much experience I now have with healing deep pain, I hope that the recovery will not take nearly as long as it did with Sawyer. Time will tell. For now, I’m grateful to have as much time to myself as I do, and to have gotten more time with caring humans and less time with emotionally unintelligent folks. I sometimes feel frustrated just imagining the responses I’ll likely receive when those close to me find out: unwanted advice, tales of pain they have gone through with losses they think are comparable, endless pontifications about life and death, and silence from those who have no idea what to do and so do or say nothing. It remains to be seen how anyone actually will or won’t respond. Until then, I’ll continue using my alone time to release as many heavy emotions as I can and take good care of myself in preparation for yet another painful loss.

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The Perils of Judging

Posted on October 9, 2024 by admin

So much of life is spent trying to avoid negative judgments. Even if one refrains from judging, it’s still nearly impossible to be free from its influence. There are judgments connected to everything humans do, whether it’s related to schooling, movies, TV shows, books, paintings, live performance, day jobs, etc. A few moments of thought will quickly bring to mind the many other areas that are rife with judgment.

It’s incredibly hard to refrain from judging oneself by what others think when that’s how all of society is set up. Although this is easiest to see when it comes to negative judgments, it also applies to positive judgments. So many people are doing whatever they can in the hope of getting compliments, good grades, and other forms of praise from those around them. This attempt to change someone else’s behavior by praising them in some cases and condemning them in others is often called “carrot and stick.” As with most other behavioral change philosophies, it makes no effort to understand the emotions that are driving the behavior. Instead, it focuses solely on the behavior and uses reward and punishment in an effort to control others.

All this judging makes it easy to fall into reactive behavior, whether by falling in line to avoid judgment or going against the norm to intentionally upset someone else. It’s much better for everyone to be proactive by doing what is best in a timely manner, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it. To that end, I’d like to see the elimination of everything based on judging other humans, including things mentioned in previous paragraphs. It’s caused far too much harm to warrant continuing it. Even if it takes time to figure out a suitable replacement, it’s always better to stop doing something harmful than to continue doing it. Suppose, however, that some judgment of other humans is necessary. If that is the case, then it will become crystal clear once it has completely ceased; it can then be added back in the areas in which it appears crucial while being kept out of all other areas.

If judging continues, I would at the very least love to see everyone stop judging the humans themselves and focus instead on judging their behavior. Don’t ruin someone’s sense of self by saying they’re awful, especially when that someone is a kid whose sense of self is still developing. Identifying someone as their behavior instead of separating their sense of self from their behavior is the cause of all the self-esteem issues that manifest everywhere in the modern world. Those issues always begin early in life when someone close to a kid, especially an adult authority figure, forces a negative identity onto them and makes the kid continually judge themselves that way from then on (often for the rest of their life).

The most comfortable relationships I’ve ever had have been with those who refrain from judging me personally and also do little to no judging of what I did or how I felt. It’s hard to describe the peace I feel and the ease of interactions with those who do this. A handful of humans have been able to do this for me, and most animals do it automatically. My dog Sawyer always showed me love rather than judging me or making me feel bad about myself. Unfortunately, it seems that humans judging other humans is becoming increasingly more common. As long as the tendency is to react on negative emotions (anger, jealousy, envy, bitterness, etc.) and take out those emotions on someone else rather than noticing and releasing the emotions as they arise, judging will continue. If I can’t stop this from happening, I hope I can at least reduce its frequency by releasing the emotions that incline me to judge so that I can finally find peace with myself and others.

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