Spread the Wonderful

Posted on February 15, 2023 by admin

Recently, I realized that my best days often contain a feature that I call “spread the wonderful”. This involves having at least one nice thing in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Like most other simple things, spreading the wonderful does a lot with just a little.

To start, spreading the wonderful is a much better approach than having all the niceness in just one part of the day. If each part of the day has something nice in it, it makes everything much smoother and more enjoyable. It feels similar to being in a theme park and going from one fun ride, show, or other kind of activity to another. Should something unpleasant happen, having niceness surrounding the unpleasantness makes it much easier to handle. However, when the whole day has wonderful stuff throughout, it becomes less likely that something bad will happen, that a bad happening will worsen my mood, or both. Everything’s easier to handle when I’m in a good mood, and plenty of nice things make it easy for me to get into, and stay in, a good mood.

Spreading the wonderful was much easier when my dog Sawyer was still here. Although it was often hard to leave him in the morning for work, school, or whatever else I had in store for that day, I still enjoyed visiting with him before I left the house. Hanging out with him when I got back always made going home a huge treat, even if I’d had a bad day. Since he died, it’s easier to leave the house as I won’t be missing out on quality time with him while I’m away. It’s also harder to go back home knowing he won’t be there to greet me, make me feel welcomed, and love on me just because. As such, I’ve made spreading the wonderful an even higher priority so I can handle life without him. That makes the decent days better and the hard days bearable. I hope I keep improving at this and get to where I can do it effectively no matter what life throws at me.

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The Monster

Posted on February 8, 2023 by admin

The monster lost its power over me.

For most of my life, it controlled me and made me do anything it wanted me to.

I always tried to avoid its crushing grip but never succeeded.

Fighting it only made it stronger.

Eventually, I decided to look at it.

It took ages before I could look at it without the fear stopping me.

After that came huge amounts of sadness, which eventually faded.

Anger was next and seemed like it would never go away.

Fortunately, it, too, eventually faded.

One day, I realized that the monster was merely my own inner pain.

I then decided to see what would happen if I loved the pain instead of hating it.

As I did all of this, the monster got smaller and weaker every step of the way.

Its control over me loosened the smaller and weaker it got.

My own power grew and strengthened the more I did this.

My dog Sawyer helped immensely by loving me through all of it.

Eventually, the monster went away entirely.

I’ve been free ever since.

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Lessons From a Barrier and a Computer

Posted on February 1, 2023 by admin

In this blog post, we’ll examine several concepts about effective human function through a few real-world devices that seem to have no relation to each other or to the human concepts. Let’s go.

Tom Scott has a cool video about the Thames Barrier. That system is designed so well that it will still provide sufficient protection even if one of the barrier’s huge gates becomes inoperable. Should that happen, then, as Tom put it, “The margin for error would be gone, but that’s why the margin’s there.” Redundancy, strength, and flexibility are essential for this system, and they are all also crucial for the systems that I use in my own life. As I’ve learned how to function more effectively, I’ve gotten better at making do with a lot less. That said, I still prefer to have multiple ways for something to succeed than just one; if I only have one method and it fails, I’m sunk. The greater the efficiency, the smaller the margin of error. This is a problem for anyone looking to push the limits, see how much they can do with as little as possible, follow extreme schedules, and work too hard for too long on too little rest.

One of the first electronic computers ever made was used to decrypt German high command messages during WWII. Called Colossus, the computer utilized vacuum tubes, also called thermionic valves, which were known to break. Tommy Flowers, the English engineer who designed and built Colossus, said “Valves are fine so long as you never switch them off.” When not in use, the power could be turned down low but was still kept on; doing so preserved most of the valves, as did increasing or decreasing the power slowly rather than quickly. This is an effective approach for humans as well: ramping up and down slowly to minimize stress instead of jumping straight into a high level of function and staying there too long. Whenever I change gears effectively and back off as needed, it prevents me from getting overwhelmed or burned out, even when I have a lot on my plate.

Those are a few examples of the importance of having a sufficient margin of error, doing things at the proper pace, and resting as needed. With so many humans getting poor nutrition, not enough water, insufficient physical activity, little to no effective stress management, and insufficient amounts of quality sleep, it’s no wonder there are so many problems in the world that go unsolved and get worse. Lots of small stresses add up to big stresses, and even small amounts of stress prevent even small problems from being solved. The problem is multiplied when stress makes people fight with each other rather than work together.

I believe that everyone is always doing the best they are capable of in any given moment. However, for reasons discussed above, most are not anywhere near their peak potential. Those who consistently get enough quality sleep, good nutrition, solid exercise, effective stress management, and sufficient recovery are able to operate near their full potential. Those who consistently neglect one or more of these are stuck at a much lower level. I notice this in myself whenever I feel tired (especially when I’ve had several days of insufficient sleep), hungry, thirsty, and so on. In that state, I can’t think, speak, solve problems, behave properly, or do much of anything well. Only after I give myself whatever I need to feel better can I act effectively. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes to return to effective action and other times it can take more than a week.

It’s hard to tell if things in general are moving in a positive direction with regards to all of the above. When it seems to be happening, there is lots of talk about healing and love alongside positive action toward those ends. Other times, that couldn’t be further from reality. When that happens, there is tons of negativity, hostility, and hatred, and any action taken only makes things worse. These two scenarios often alternate in a seemingly endless cycle.

I used to stress almost endlessly about the state of things. I’d feel overjoyed when it was going well and devastated when it took a turn. Now I do my best to ignore the noise and focus on what I can heal in myself (which almost always involves some pain related to losing my dog Sawyer) and how I can help those close to me. That makes me feel a lot calmer and allows me to act much more effectively by preventing me from getting caught up in negativity. For the things that are worth doing, I’d rather stay focused on giving them my all instead of getting constantly distracted by negative irrelevancies. I plan to continue this as much as possible, whether or not anyone else follows suit.

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4 Ideas to Avoid

Posted on January 25, 2023 by admin

I’ve come across a lot of ideas since my self-improvement journey began. Many of them have been wonderful and have made my life better whenever I’ve used them consistently. However, there have also been plenty of bad ideas that have either kept me from improving or have gone so far as to make me regress. Sometimes pointing out the ideas to avoid can be just as important as pointing out the ideas to practice; simply steering clear of potholes can save a lot of trouble, both on the road and in life. Here are some ideas that I think should be avoided at all costs.

  1. “You can’t know the good without the bad”. I almost always hear this said alongside a long speech about everything from light and darkness to good and evil. The idea itself and the speech come across to me as attempts to think or talk away painful emotions instead of working through them. Also, how can anyone claim to know with certainty that idea about good and bad? Since nobody has gone through a whole life knowing only good or only bad, nobody can truly know if this statement is true or false. Instead of believing badness to be an essential element of life, it’s better to work to reduce or eliminate it wherever possible, which is difficult to do if one believes the first idea on this list.
  2. “You need some sadness in life”. Another seeming attempt to rationalize painful experiences instead of working through negative emotions and avoiding unnecessary pain. This one is similar enough to the previous idea that I’ll add a necessary clarifying point: it’s still important to work through sadness when it comes up. Most of my posts since 2020 have discussed this to some degree, so I won’t belabor the point here. As crucial as it is to manage sadness in a healthy way, it’s equally crucial to avoid falling into the trap of thinking that a life without sadness would somehow be worse than a life with sadness.
  3. “Protect your energy”. Of all the ideas on this list, this one is the least bad. I believe the intentions behind it are good but that it causes more harm than good. In addition to fostering excessive personal guarding, the notion that energy can be taken or given from person to person creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that can make someone attempting to “protect energy” feel worse than if he had done nothing. On a practical level, I’ve never heard any explanation of how to “protect energy” from anyone who’s used that phrase around me. My own daily practice involves noticing how I’m feeling and doing whatever I need to either stay feeling good or feel better if I’m feeling bad. This could include eating, drinking water, moving around, sleeping, using the bathroom, taking some deep breaths, talking to a kind person, spending time by myself, etc. I find all of that self-care more useful than trying to “protect energy”.
  4. “Life is suffering”. By far the worst idea on this list, it’s hard to know where to start with this one since there’s so much wrong with it. For one thing, it’s factually wrong. Suffering is a mental state, not an inevitable fact of life and especially not the totality of life itself. Someone can be in great pain without suffering while another can be in hardly any pain and yet suffer greatly. This is totally lost when someone uses that phrase without ever defining the word “suffering” or using the term “suffering” interchangeably with other words such as “pain”, “misery”, “discontent”, etc. Further, this phrase is often attributed to the Buddha despite the fact that it is a massive perversion of what the Buddha actually said. Although getting an accurate translation is difficult, it is safe to say that his ideas were more nuanced and useful than saying “Life is suffering”. Lastly, this phrase seems like an easy excuse to make oneself and others miserable. Creating and spreading misery was precisely what someone I once knew did almost every chance he got; the fact that this person also used this phrase more than anyone else I’ve ever known is, to me, no coincidence. If he wasn’t already out of my life, I still wouldn’t have turned to him for support when I lost my dog Sawyer. Knowing him and remembering some specific situations involving animals, he’d have made me feel much worse with his harsh words and total lack of compassion. Rather than repeat his mistakes, it’s best to recognize that life is an adventure that we can either use it for good or for bad, and to do our best to use it for good.
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Eliminate the Negative

Posted on January 18, 2023 by admin

Be careful with what you consume, especially the negative. Too much negativity will drag you down. What’s more, it’ll skew your perception of reality by making you think that everything is much worse than it actually is. Focusing excessively on the negative will make you miss a lot of the good stuff and leave you with less energy to pursue the things you love.

The news is full of negativity. So much that a fairly well-known saying about the news is “If it bleeds, it leads.” Stories that are shocking, saddening, enraging, or controversial take precedence over stories that are calming, joyful, soothing, or lovable. In his TED Talk, Steven Pinker makes the point that “You never see a journalist who says ‘I’m reporting live from a country that has been at peace for 40 years.'” It’s no surprise that so many who are glued to the news seem to be in permanent bad moods. This is why I don’t watch the news and do my best to stay away from as many news stories as possible. When I occasionally see or hear a negative news story, I always notice an immediate downturn in my mood. On a side note, I use the term “news” loosely since much of it is better described as editorials (opinions) rather than actual news (facts). If I’m looking for opinions on things I already know, editorials can be useful. If I’m looking for information on recent events, actual news is the way to go. More often than not, I’d rather look at historical sources (which are more likely to be correct than news that is shown when hardly any information is known) and form my own opinions than be told what to think.

Everything in the previous paragraph also applies to social media. Sometimes I get caught up scrolling for minutes at a time, pausing occasionally to look at frustrating, depressing, or otherwise upsetting things. Once in a while, I even end up intentionally seeking out negative stories. When I’m feeling incredibly low and keep running across negative things online, I have to take breaks from the internet to recover my peace. Much as I dislike doing that, I still do it as needed to avoid sinking into an even lower place.

When I’m feeling lots of negative emotions, I make sure to offset them with a lot of positive stuff. Some things I find helpful include participating in fun activities, spending time with humans and animals I love, and getting plenty of physical activity. Taking a warm shower at the end of rough days always makes me feel much better and improves my sleep. All of that, in addition to working through the negative emotions, helps me feel better by reminding me that there’s more in life than just the negative situation or mood I’m in.

I also find it helpful to have several good things going at one time. Having at least a few things going well makes it easier to handle one or two things that may be going poorly. Aside from the positive feelings that come from success, those successes also remind me that whatever isn’t working is only part of the story and prevent me from spending too much time on the negative. As long as I don’t take on too much at once, this is a hugely beneficial practice.

I’ve had to be extra careful with negativity since losing my dog Sawyer last April. All of my activities have been majorly affected, especially my in-person interactions. There have been many changes regarding who I spend time around, what we talk about, how long we interact before I take time for myself, and more. I don’t know why but for at least the past decade, lots of people vent to me without permission (and without even asking, most of the time). A conversation will quickly shift into the things they hate, their bad day at work, the unpleasant state of things, etc. Gossip and putting me in an awkward position by talking badly about people that both of us know are also common. Sometimes even complete strangers dump all their problems on me. A few of them go even further by bringing up lots of their own negativity whenever I talk about having a hard time. That makes me feel even worse and doubles the amount of negativity without doing anything to solve any of it. Spending even a small amount of time around those folks leaves me feeling incredibly drained afterward, so I minimize my exposure to them.

Fortunately, I’ve done pretty well to get the overwhelmingly negative humans out of my life over the past few years. The ones who always focus on the dark clouds and never the silver linings; the ones who always point out the one thing they dislike instead of the many things they like; the ones for whom nothing is ever good enough as they make it known to everyone within earshot; the ones for whom complaining is their native tongue and who don’t want to learn another language. Those folks have always dragged me down even when I’ve felt on top of the world and they drag me down even more when I’m already feeling bad. It’s as if they cling to anyone who appears to be doing better than they are in the hope that they won’t drown in their sorrows, even though such efforts usually drown both them and whoever gets stuck with them. Sometimes they still pop into my world but mostly they stay away at this point. I’m glad that most people I interact with regularly treat me much better than the ones I’ve described above.

I strive to be consistent by keeping most of my negativity to myself. Sometimes I’ll ask someone close to me if I can vent and they almost always say yes. This is a pretty rare occurrence since I’ve learned so much about managing my emotions in a healthy way. Even when I do vent, I still have to work through the emotions on my own time if I want to feel better in a lasting way. Additionally, I do what I can to make the interactions I seek out enjoyable for everyone involved. Although I haven’t mastered any of this, I’ve improved significantly at it since I made it a priority. I hope I continue to improve.

When I have occasionally gotten drawn back into drama and negativity, the horrible feelings I’ve had after (and often during) those kinds of interactions have reminded me why I avoid that stuff like the plagues they are. Sometimes I simply leave negative scenarios and other times I stay silent in them rather than joining in the negativity. Whether either of those approaches affects what those around me do, they both minimize my exposure to the negativity and prevent me from getting my hands dirty.

I have no patience at this point for gossip, drama, horrible communication, rumors, or anything else that’s needlessly negative. Talking effectively with my loved ones about issues we have that are worth working through together? Sure. Something that’ll just create or spread pain and misery? No way. I’m not engaging in that anymore. The more I withdraw from all of that, the more peaceful my life becomes. When I come across pure negativity after long periods of time away from it, it seems even more intolerable to me and my resolve to avoid it becomes even stronger. I think all these boundaries I’ve set up against negativity are a large part of why I get hardly any of this stuff anymore when it used to constitute a huge portion of my interactions with others. I look forward to seeing how this goes as I continue healing and getting better at eliminating the negativity around me.

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Handling Anger

Posted on January 11, 2023 by admin

For most of my life, I’ve struggled to handle anger in a healthy way. My main approach for decades was to stifle anger whenever it came up, believing that simply feeling angry was wrong or that allowing myself to feel angry would increase the angry feelings. This made me feel miserable much of the time and caused me to be quick to anger over even the smallest upsets. I also lashed out at others verbally and used physical force against inanimate objects or myself (and sometimes those around me), causing much pain and destruction in the process. The verbal lashing out was more common and ruined many of my relationships. Sometimes there was reconciliation after the emotions settled but many times there wasn’t.

Although my struggles have been numerous and varied, they all ultimately stem from how long I spent burying my emotions deep down instead of feeling them. Almost thirty years of doing this has shown me that buried emotions still come out, and usually in destructive ways, until they’re handled healthily. At least some of this struggle came from internalizing negative ways of handling anger that were both modeled for and forced upon me by those in power over me from a young age.

It’s not all bad news as I have made many improvements over the past few years. The greatest success has come from letting go of lots of fear and sadness. Anger tries to be the protector during the vulnerable times of feeling afraid or sad, so letting the fear and sadness pass often gets rid of lots of anger without me even having to directly work on the anger.

I’ve also gotten better at feeling through everything instead of acting those feelings out in harmful ways. When that doesn’t seem sufficient, I’ve found ways to express anger that don’t hurt me or anyone else. A quick verbal expression often does the trick; this could be a simple exclamation rather than words or sentences. For example, I spent at least a few minutes every day last year yelling while sitting alone in my car. That always made me feel much calmer and lighter. Physical activity, such as a walk, juggling session, dancing, or some other type of vigorous movement also helps. Burning off excess energy reduces the angry feelings without stuffing them down, hurting anyone, or turning me against myself.

Learning how to find effective solutions to problems instead of letting them linger, fester, and become worse over time has made a huge difference. That requires noticing how I’m feeling, what I’m needing, and figuring out how to give it to myself; when I need help with that, I lean on the ways I’ve learned how to communicate more effectively so I can avoid shouting, using sarcasm, or turning to other forms of cruelty. To do this when I’m feeling upset, I often have to pause for ten seconds or longer to let my emotions settle, recognize what I want to communicate, and choose my words carefully. Although I’m not always successful at this, I’m overall better at it now than I was at it for most of my life.

Sometimes I fall back on old habits by attempting to think away angry feelings. This can take the form of minimizing the feelings and whatever preceded them or trying to forcibly look on the bright side while ignoring the negative side. I get around that by reminding myself that it’s ok to feel angry and that the feelings will pass once I let them run without resisting them. To my surprise, that’s exactly how it works every time.

I’ve learned how crucial it is for my emotional well-being to take breaks as needed and get plenty of rest and sleep. Setting better boundaries to avoid abusive humans and getting alone time as needed have both been hugely beneficial. I’ve also gotten better at giving myself permission to feel angry. Often, reminding myself that the anger will pass as long as I give it enough attention without resistance is exactly what I need to be able to welcome that anger; avoiding condemning or shaming myself for how I feel and reminding myself that the emotions are valid also help. Thinking of myself as a little kid who feels upset and responding the ways I wish others had responded to me early in life makes me feel much better. Part of that involves forgiving myself when I cause harm while feeling angry as holding onto guilt or shame only exacerbates the angry feelings and prevents healing.

When I lost my dog Sawyer last year, I had a hard time working through all the anger that came up. There was a lot of it across several different areas. I felt angry at Sawyer for leaving me, those close to me for acting in ways I disliked leading up to his death, the vets for administering the fatal substances, myself for not doing more for him before and during that time, some folks for telling me how I should feel or what I should do (such as get “a new pet” less than a month after Sawyer’s death), and all pet owners I know for still having their beloved animal friends after I lost mine. It’s taken a lot of work to let go of most of that anger. Even when the remaining anger comes up, it’s way less intense than last year and leaves much sooner.

Anger still remains one of the most difficult emotions for me to handle. Sadness is incredibly easy for me to handle, fear is not far behind, and even depression is nowhere near the immovable object it once was. Yet anger remains a huge obstacle for me. It’s hard to get around the idea that it’s wrong to feel angry. I often have to remind myself that anger isn’t bad; I shouldn’t hurt myself or someone else in anger, but merely feeling angry isn’t wrong. Even with that in mind, I’ve still struggled to let anger run out fully when it comes up and often ended up ignoring or burying it.

I felt a lot of anger toward the end of last year and even more this year. The surprising part is how I’ve handled it extremely well this year. Simply pausing for a few minutes to let the angry feelings run has worked super well. It’s gotten to the point that I can feel incredibly angry about something and then forget about it minutes later. That was a wonderful surprise that came with a huge amount of relief. It seems like I’m finally turning the corner with anger and I hope I continue getting better at managing it in healthy ways. I’ve got a feeling I will.

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Review of When a Pet Dies

Posted on January 4, 2023 by admin

When a Pet Dies is a wonderful book by Fred Rogers, better known as Mister Rogers. As the title suggests, it explores pet loss and the many emotions that come up afterward. Here’s my take on this incredible work by an incredible man.

In When a Pet Dies, Mister Rogers acknowledges that losing a pet is an extremely painful experience. He says that it may bring sadness and anger, and that someone who has experienced that loss may want to spend extra time around loved ones or have extra time alone. Further, he makes it clear that, over time, it will become easier to remember the good times with the pet without feeling as upset. In all of this, he encourages families to go through the book together, talk about how they’re all feeling, and include each other in whatever ways they have of working through the pain and paying tribute to their pet.

Because When a Pet Dies is intended for young kids, it is written simply and clearly. I like simple things since I can get confused easily, even when I’m feeling good. When I’m feeling upset and overwhelmed, I can’t understand anything complicated. That’s when I turn to works that are clear, simple, and direct. Like the rest of Mister Rogers’ work, When a Pet Dies is extremely simple and easy to understand. The book is also quite short at just 27 pages, all of which have big pictures and small amounts of text. This makes it even easier to embrace its comforting messages.

When a Pet Dies helped me immensely after losing my dog Sawyer. I lost him last April and didn’t get the book until shortly before Christmas. Although I had healed a lot by the time I read it on Christmas and again in the early hours of 2023, I still found value in the book. The truths it contains, alongside the comforting reminders that it’s ok to feel upset, were incredibly touching. I’ve written before about how much I admire Mister Rogers. A huge part of that admiration comes from how he always made it safe to feel sad, scared, angry, and every other emotion, and he certainly did that with this book. Even today, I still often need permission, whether from myself or someone else, to fully explore the deepest and most painful emotions. When a Pet Dies is full of such permission. It reminded me of the episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood he did on death. His calm, comforting demeanor was a blessing in both that episode and this book.

If you or someone you know has lost a pet, I highly recommend checking out When a Pet Dies. It can provide comfort to those who are hurting, suggest ways of healing from an incredibly painful loss, and act as a stepping stone toward greater peace. There is a lot of cruelty and bad information about loss in the world. That makes this work of love and good information even more essential. I hope it helps you or someone you love find peace and comfort.

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2022 Year End Review

Posted on December 28, 2022 by admin

Without a doubt, 2022 has been the hardest, most painful year of my life. All the years that held that title in the past seem like nothing in comparison to this year. Here are some observations about it.

The year felt incredibly short to me but it also felt like two different years: one with my dog Sawyer and another one without him. I still find it hard to believe that this year started with us visiting together and ended with me alone. Sawyer came home in 2011 so this is the first year I’ll be ending without him since 2010; next year will be the first year I’ll start without him since 2011. That still blows my mind. I hope I’ll be able to effectively handle whatever emotions arise as the calendar changes over.

Losing Sawyer sunk me for more than half of the year. In addition to all the pain I had before his death, I then gained all the pain of losing him. That was a huge burden to bear and work through as best as I could. It took everything I had over more than 8 months to get to a fairly stable place within the final few months of 2022. Thank goodness my schedule this year was so flexible. I don’t know what I’d have done if my time for healing was as limited this year as it was last year.

Holidays were hard without Sawyer, at least the few big holidays toward the end of the year that I celebrate. Thanksgiving wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Christmas itself was quite difficult. I cried a lot on that day despite lots of emotional releases all throughout the month. Seeing all the decorations and hearing all the Christmas music long before December started got me thinking a lot about past Christmases with Sawyer: him coming in my room to get me up, getting treats in his little stocking, lying down on my weighted blanket last year, going along with me to visit some family members on Christmas afternoon, and sleeping by the Christmas tree. December was the first month in a while in which I cried every day over Sawyer. Fortunately, I was able to honor my emotions enough to genuinely enjoy Christmas despite still missing him.

A stressful event toward the end of the year made it even harder. It challenged my writing and my ability to persevere more than almost anything I’ve ever experienced. Not having Sawyer here to help me get through it made it even worse. I’m glad to say I finished on a high note when it ended in late November and I’ve moved past it pretty well by now. More often than not, I even forget it ever happened. If I get into a situation like that again, I hope it goes much better than this one did.

A three-day gig I had in Fernandina Beach was the first time I’ve spent the night outside my house since coming back from a work trip in September of 2020. It was so hard for me to be away even for a couple of days. That pain plus several other problems made the first day of the gig one of the worst days I’d had in months. The gig itself went well overall, even on the first day, thanks to everything I cried out on my drive over there. I cried more at the hotel that night, felt much better, and had an even better time the next day. Things took a turn shortly after the gig ended that day, though. Enough of a turn to put me on edge for the rest of that day and the first part of the final day of the gig. Fortunately, the last day went super well. Outside of the gig, I went to a s’mores party in Georgia, explored the festivities around Fernandina, had lunch with a friend, and got to pet lots of dogs, a cat, and even a bunny. The highlight of the gig was the two Pomeranian pups I got to pet and hold the first two days of the gig. I’m so glad that almost everything worked out fine there.

Overall, I feel more distant from humans than I ever have. I make almost no effort to engage in conversation when I go out to dance, juggle, or do practically anything else. Mostly, I go out to have fun with activities I enjoy and stick mostly to myself when I’m not dancing, juggling, etc. I have grown apart from many while simultaneously growing closer than ever to a small handful. Winter in general and Christmas in particular tend to exacerbate the lonely feelings; that was certainly the case this year. I don’t think I’d have gotten through it without a few close friends, regular visits with cute animals, and a ton of emotional work and self-care. Even with all that, I often wondered if I would make it. I’m glad I did.

Although there has been a lot of bad this year, there has also been a lot of good. My juggling is overall better than it’s been in a long time. Juggling 5 clubs was my biggest juggling feat ever and getting that made my whole year. The monthly juggling event I host has flourished enough to consistently draw several skilled, dedicated jugglers who always make it fun. I also had lots of great juggling gigs that benefited me in several ways, including letting me travel to several familiar places and at least one new place this year.

While my interactions with others have radically changed, there is still good to be found there. I’m focusing almost exclusively on quality rather than quantity of my relationships, seeing family more than I have in several years, developing better boundaries, having more meaningful conversations and fewer trivial ones, removing negative influences from my life, visiting regularly with lots of wonderful animals, and being more genuine in most of my interactions. It’s as if I’m finally putting into practice all the lessons I’ve learned about engaging with others. That’s such a wonderful experience, to know how to use the knowledge I’ve gained instead of just thinking or talking about it.

Many of my years over the past decade have been incredibly hard. The year 2017 remains one of the most difficult, painful years of my life. So much good was stripped away and so much bad took its place. That year didn’t start letting up until more than halfway through, and even then it was a slow shift from mostly negative to mostly positive. Some good did start accruing toward the end of that year and I built upon it the next year. All of those good things plus hardly any bad things made 2018 the best year of my life. In contrast, each of the past three years has taken a lot from me: 2020 took away most of my swing dancing opportunities and a lot of my idealism, 2021 took away my job and the connections I had there, and 2022 took away Sawyer. I’ve felt similarly this year to how I felt in 2017, only the pain has been much more severe. Fortunately, as with 2017, 2022 has smoothed out greatly for me over the final few months of the year. That gives me hope.

Until recently, I’d never had three incredibly hard, destructive years in a row. Navigating this previously uncharted territory has been an emotional roller coaster. Somehow, I’m feeling a bit of excitement for the coming year. That’s been one of the most surprising things about the last few months of 2022. I hope that the good I’ve started building this year from everything that I’ve learned over the past few years will result in 2023 being a wonderful year for me. I’d love it if 2023 ends up being similar to 2019, as that was the last good year I had (it didn’t feel like it at the time since it wasn’t as nice as the prior year, but I’d gladly take it at this point). If 2023 is more like 2018, that’d be even better. At the very least, I hope 2023 is kinder to me than 2022 was.

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Reviewing My 2022 Goals

Posted on December 21, 2022 by admin

Since this year is almost over, it’s time to review the goals I had set for 2022. I don’t think I’ve ever accomplished every goal I set in a given year and this year was no exception. How did it go this time? Let’s take a look.

  1. Publish my book. I’ve been working on my communication book on and off for several years now. Even though I’ve nearly finished the first draft, there’s still a lot to do with it, including editing the final draft, adding illustrations, and figuring out how I want to publish it. However, I’ve done enough so far to make publishing it in 2022 an achievable goal and I’m going to make that happen.

    This didn’t happen. I severely underestimated how much work there is left to do before my book is complete. There is a huge amount of writing I have to finish, then edit, then hire someone to edit further, and so on for several more steps before I even think about how to publish it. All the pain and struggle of this year plus regular disappointment at how much horrible communication still occurs made me want to give up entirely on the book at times. When I’m ready, I’ll return to working on my book in the hope of getting it published sometime in the next few years.

  2. Launch my business. All the healing work I did this year gave me the inspiration to start my own business as well as the courage to follow through. I’ve spent much of this month working on it at my own pace. Since there are no products for sale, it’s entirely service-based, has low starting and overhead costs, and it’s a predominantly online business, I’m almost ready to go. I plan to launch it in January and I hope it catches on quickly so it can add value to many lives, including my own.

    I successfully launched my business, although it didn’t go anywhere. I started the business early last December and made it available to my friends and acquaintances this past January. Throughout the year, I held several free workshops over video call in the hopes of encouraging at least a few people to become customers. Unfortunately, nobody did. Just as it seemed I was going in a great direction, I lost my dog Sawyer. The overwhelming grief, sadness, despair, and general pain I felt made me put off doing anything with the business for most of the year after. Eventually, I stopped hosting the free workshops. I rarely ever think about the business at this point and I have no idea what I’ll do with it in the future. Still, since my goal was only to launch it, I consider this goal to have been successfully completed.

  3. Get more juggling gigs. Aside from the two that I had this month, I haven’t had a paid juggling gig since late 2020. I used to get a lot more of them and I also used to enjoy them a lot more than I have the past few years. Next year, I want to get more gigs, both because they pay well and because they’re a blast, even when I feel afraid. I also want to dive deep into the fear and anxiety around them so I can heal it and have fun like I used to.

    One of my greatest successes this year! My first gig this year was in Jekyll Island, Georgia, back in March. It was one of the easier gigs I’ve done for unexpected reasons. I even stayed afterward to play and hang out with the other performers at the after party. That gig also allowed me to check off my yearly goal of going somewhere new to me as I’d never been to Jekyll Island before this year. I’ve had more gigs this year than I have in many years and I’ve enjoyed them all, though some have been much more fun for me than others. The best ones have been whenever onlookers get into it, play along, and have a great time. I’m glad that most of the gigs this year have been that way and I hope that’s how any future gigs I have will be.

  4. Juggle 5 clubs. This one has been on my list for years now. I learned to juggle 5 balls more than a decade ago. Not too long after that, I learned to juggle 5 rings. So far, I have yet to juggle 5 clubs. It’s the only one of the main juggling props of which I haven’t juggled 5. I managed to flash 5 clubs a lot last year and a few times this year but I haven’t yet managed a full juggle. I plan to change that by finally learning to juggle 5 clubs in 2022.

    I did it! Of the three goals I accomplished this year, this is the one gave me the most joy. It took way longer than I thought it would. I spent most of this year improving my juggling technique and slowly building up the necessary skill for this accomplishment. Lots of self-care (including wrist stretches and taking a lot of time off in April to let me wrists recover from overuse) and taking at least one rest day a week allowed me to make fairly consistent progress. Fortunately, all that practice and persistence paid off: I got 10 catches on December 19th! The pattern was also pretty good, considering it was my first successful one with 5 clubs. That felt even better. Still, I wish I had worked toward this goal consistently from 2020 onward. If I had, I probably would have gotten it during Sawyer’s life. Since I missed that opportunity, I became even more determined to get it before the end of 2022 as this was the final year we spent some time together. And I succeeded! I immediately felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders as all the pressure to reach this milestone went away. I’m so glad I got this.

  5. Stretch every day. I’ve never managed to stick to a regular stretching regimen for long. I don’t know why since I always feel better when I stretch and I’ve come close to making it a habit on many occasions. I’m determined to fix this by stretching a little bit every day next year, even if it’s only for a minute a day. If I can stretch every day of the year, it’ll become a habit that even I’ll find difficult to break and my body will thank me for it.

    Didn’t get this one. Even though I stretched more this year than I have in any other year, I only stuck with daily stretching for the first few months of 2022. Since sometime in the spring, I’ve done a great deal of wrist stretches to keep my wrists in good shape from all the juggling I do. However, even that has been something I’ve done several times a week rather than every day. I’ve noticed lots of growing tension and occasional pain in my lower body through the course of this year. To remedy that, I want to start stretching each day for the remainder of 2022 and continue that through every day in 2023. I hope I succeed this time.
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My Goals for 2023

Posted on December 14, 2022 by admin

As I do toward the end of every year, it’s time to set some goals for next year. After the insane mess that was 2022, I’m keeping it simple in 2023. If I have only a few goals and I accomplish all of them, I’ll feel great, start looking for other things to work on, and end up easily accomplishing more than I set out to do. I’d much rather do that than bite off more than I can chew, fail at several of my goals, and set myself back in many ways. With all that said, here are my goals for 2023.

  1. Stretch every day. This was a goal I set for this year but it didn’t last longer than a few months. I benefited greatly from doing it, especially when I started stretching my wrists as part of my preventative self-care and recovery for juggling. Next year, I plan to do at least some stretching each day.
  2. Get my book ready for editing. After losing my dog Sawyer, I lost a huge amount of will to do almost anything, including work on my book. The emotional pain I’ve felt since then along with the remaining cruelty in the world has also made me question what value a book on communication could have. As a result, I still have a lot of work to do before it’s ready to publish. If I write a little bit every day throughout 2023, I think it will be ready for the final edits before that year ends. That seems like a much more attainable goal for me at this point than trying to get it published sometime in the next twelve months. I hope I can stick to it and make it happen.
  3. Heal my deep-seated trauma. I’ve worked through a lot of pain over the past few years. Clearing out the stuff that’s closer to the surface has vastly improved my mental health but I still have a lot of deep issues to address. This year, I started digging real deep. Difficult as that was, it’s been hugely beneficial. I realized more than ever before how much that deep pain has been holding me back and making me do things I’d rather not as well as preventing me from things I’d rather do. It’s time for me to heal all the deep-seated trauma that has been festering my whole life and making everything worse for me. If I can’t get through it all in the remains of 2022, I’ll do what it takes to clear it in 2023.
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