Good Books for Grief

Posted on April 5, 2023 by admin

I worked through more grief in 2022 than in any other year of my life. That’s nearly all I could do on most days for months after my dog Sawyer’s death. Although I still have some grief and other types of emotional pain, most of it has gone thanks to all the inner work I did last year. With that in mind, here are several good books for grief that have gotten me through the most painful experience I’ve ever had.

Letting Go by David Hawkins: still my number one resource for healthy emotional processing. I’m certain that all the work I did based on this book from late 2020 onward prepared me to be able to handle Sawyer’s death and life without him. That didn’t make it easy but it did allow me to make it through the pain. I spent most of 2022 using everything I learned from this book, especially the parts around handling grief, sadness, and depression. It’s been incredibly valuable this year in helping me through the more recent emotions of anger, frustration, and bitterness. As if that weren’t enough, it’s also reminded me to welcome the positive emotions, whether they’re from my memories with Sawyer or from other enjoyable aspects of my life. Thanks to all of that, I feel better now than I did for most of last year, and I continue feeling a little better almost every month as I continue working through the remaining pain. I don’t think I could have made it this far without what I learned in Letting Go and I’m so thankful I found it.

Homecoming by John Bradshaw: the beauty of Homecoming is its focus on original pain, meaning the pain and trauma that almost everyone experiences early in life. So much of my own pain in adulthood can be traced back to that original pain that is still crying out to be healed. The more I work through that pain, the more relief I feel. This book helped me a lot when I worked through the exercises in 2021. Rereading it earlier this year (without actually working through it a second time) reminded me of a lot of useful things, such as the importance of being kind and gentle with myself. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I do my best to see the scared little kid who needs love, comfort, and understanding. Recognizing and soothing that part of me always brings tremendous relief and allows me to get through anything with greater ease.

When a Pet Dies by Mister Rogers: the only entry on this list focused specifically on the pain of losing a beloved animal friend, this book was so helpful. Even though I first read it about eight months after Sawyer’s death, I still found it incredibly comforting. I imagined Mister Rogers reading it to me in the same calm, comforting voice he used in the episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood about death. The book also helped me identify what emotions I was feeling, including ones that I was unintentionally neglecting. When a Pet Dies is a wonderful gift from an incredible human who has touched generations of kids and families, and it made the most painful experience of my life a little easier to bear.

A Grief Observed by CS Lewis: it was incredible to read about how Lewis, known for his strong Christian apologetics work, struggled with faith, doubt, and anger at God after his wife’s death. Since my own faith journey has wound through and around some interesting, unexpected, and confusing paths over the past six years, knowing that Lewis faced similar challenges gave me some comfort. Although overwhelming for a long time, his pain eventually subsided and some semblance of peace returned; the same has occurred with me. Sometimes (though not all the time), knowing that I’m not alone can help, especially if someone I admire has made it through an incredibly painful loss. That’s some of what I got out of A Grief Observed.

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Struggles and Recent Shifts

Posted on March 29, 2023 by admin

This has been a weird year for me. Since February, I’ve dealt with more frustration and anger than I have in a long time. It has come and gone in waves, and there is seemingly no rhyme or reason to it. That makes it more difficult to predict and manage as I never know what will set it off; some days, almost nothing will, and other days, almost everything does.

All this emotional uncertainty has made me much prefer quieter folks who spend more time in the present moment. They’re much more comfortable with silence, less likely to interrupt, more likely to ask clarifying questions instead of making assumptions, less likely to perceive intentions that aren’t there, and generally more likely to treat me as I like to be treated. Unfortunately, they are also incredibly rare, so I’ve spent a lot of time by myself these past few months.

My solitude has been a blessing rather than a curse. I’m so sick of being around folks who seemingly have no emotional intelligence. I hate automatically being given advice, especially when I didn’t ask for it. Most of those who give advice have nothing useful to offer; the less they know about a situation, the more advice they have to give and the worse is the quality of their advice. I’d much prefer someone who knows that I feel upset ask what kind of support I’d like and then, if they can, give it to me. Most of the time, though, I prefer being alone so I can work through emotions on my own terms, but I do sometimes find value in describing what’s happening to someone who listens with the intent to understand. Since almost nobody I know does that, I almost never tell anyone when I feel upset. When I do, they usually attempt to downplay my emotions, get me to “look on the bright side”, or otherwise try to make me do what they think I *should* do. Whether intentionally or not, they are attempting to draw me away from feeling through my emotions, which is the only thing that has made me feel better after a painful experience. I’ve dealt with all of that negative interference most of my life, it’s always made me feel worse, and I’m done with it.

I’m also tired of being around those who are quick to take offense or who act offended even if they’re not. I can’t tell the difference between genuine and imaginary offense, and either scenario is deeply unpleasant for myriad reasons. Further, they, along with those who compulsively give advice, also tend to dump all their gossip, rude opinions, and bad experiences on me without first getting my permission to use me as a human garbage can. No more of that.

For much of this year, my mindset was similar to that of George Carlin’s. I even got some enjoyment out of seeing things more along those lines. Recently, my perspective shifted after I watched this video on Henry David Thoreau. Thoreau’s approach seems a lot better suited to my demeanor and goals, plus his outlook appears to be much more positive than Carlin’s. I think I can get a similar experience to Thoreau’s without building and living in a cabin in the woods as he did.

This perspective shift has been crucial. I don’t think I could have entertained the negative outlook for much longer without getting into a bad place. Way too many humans push their pain onto others, especially when they’re in exceptionally bad moods. While I’ve done plenty of that in my life, over the last year, I’ve mostly succeeded at keeping my pain to myself rather than dragging anyone else down to the level of my worst moods. Sometimes that means I stay home and other times it means I hardly socialize even when I do go out. I’d rather act aloof than snap at someone I care about.

I’m certain that two major things have influenced my approach to all of this. The first is how, regardless of when I go to bed and how much sleep I get, I’ve woken up feeling exhausted almost every morning for almost a month now (although my sleep has been much better the past few days, which has also greatly improved my mood). The second is that the one-year anniversary of my dog Sawyer’s death is quickly approaching. I spent most of last year crying and feeling sad after Sawyer died. While I still feel sad much of the time, I only cry on occasion at this point, and I feel frustrated and angry more often than I feel depression or deep sorrow. I chalk all of that up to honoring my emotions as much as I have and having successfully worked through the most painful emotions. I hope that getting better at welcoming anger, frustration, and the like will allow me to pass through this stage and onto greater peace.

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How Sawyer Comforted Me

Posted on March 22, 2023 by admin

My dog Sawyer comforted me better than any other animal or human I’ve ever met. Since I lost him nearly a year ago, I’ve had to get better at comforting myself effectively. Fortunately, I learned a lot about how to do that from him. Humans have so much to learn from animals about this. Here are some of the ways Sawyer comforted me.

  1. Sitting, standing, or lying down on me. Physical touch can be incredibly comforting for me and Sawyer was a master at physical touch. His repertoire included pulling my hand over to him when he wanted pets, sleeping next to me on the couch, sitting or lying on my lap while I worked on the computer, and lying across my leg or arm. Sometimes, especially when I felt upset, he’d look intently at me and wait until I signaled him to come over before engaging. Very few humans do that, so I appreciated him getting the ok from me before coming into my space.
  2. Giving me quiet support. Unlike most humans, Sawyer never gave me any unwanted advice, dragged me into endless small talk, or talked about his own problems when I brought up mine. He was always excellent at sitting or lying down quietly near me and being present with me. Sometimes I’d share how I was feeling, but usually I just enjoyed his silent company. He always made me feel safe to either say anything or stay quiet in his presence.
  3. Celebrating with me during my good times and comforting me during my bad times. Once he got comfortable with me after he’d been home for a while, Sawyer always did what he could to support me in any season of life. That’s what made my best days even more amazing and my hard days bearable. He was excellent at knowing how much to do depending on my mood; when I felt good, he’d be more playful, and when I felt bad, he’d be more calm. What’s more, whenever I spent time alone until I felt better, he never took it personally and always welcomed me back with open arms when I was ready to interact again.
  4. Showing me love, whether I felt good or bad. Sawyer did the former by greeting me excitedly when I came home, attempting to delay me leaving the house, and seeking me out whether I was in my room, by the computer, or on the couch. He did the latter by wanting to be near me and do stuff with me even when I felt down. That meant the world to me as not everyone I know wants to be around me when I feel upset. While he did give me extra attention once I finally learned how to manage my emotions in a healthy way, he never made that a prerequisite for receiving his love and support.
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Revisiting the Past

Posted on March 15, 2023 by admin

Generally, I love revisiting places and events I’ve enjoyed in the past. Even when they don’t live up to my expectations, they’re still almost always worth experiencing again. However, there are some things that I’d rather leave as they were.

I’ve done many cool things in many cool places during some of the most wonderful times in my life. These times were so magical because either everything was going in a good direction or most things were at least better than they had been in the recent past. With everything that has changed, both in the larger world and in my own life, I dread the idea of revisiting some of those events and places. I’m certain I would compare them to previous visits during nicer times in a kinder world. I’m also certain that the newer visits would come up lacking, especially with the likelihood of other participants almost constantly and compulsively reminding me of one of the worst times in my life.

Occasionally, I’ll revisit local places I frequented a decade or more ago. Although they may look nearly the same now as they did back then, there are still always plenty of changes, whether in their outer appearances or in the other people who frequent them. That creates a split in my memories between how those places were back in the day and how they are today. I’m ok with that split in some cases but not in others. In certain cases, I’d rather my most recent memories of those places remain the ones from back in the day.

My dog Sawyer’s death plays a huge role in this. When I still had him, we would always say goodbye before a big adventure and hello when I returned. Whether or not the adventure was incredible, generally enjoyable, decent, or even disappointing, I always had him to welcome me back and make me feel better if I felt bad or boost my mood even more if I felt good. Without him, I’ve become a lot more reserved as I don’t want to risk getting hurt without my little best friend to comfort me. That pain seems like more than I could bear at this point.

I don’t know how this will change as I continue healing. This has been my outlook for many years and it has only grown stronger since I lost Sawyer just under 11 months ago. Fortunately, my boundaries have improved to the point that I decide what events I do and do not attend, regardless of how much somebody might want me to go; no amount of guilting, enticing, or other forms of pressuring can make me change my mind once I’ve made it up. I also feel no need to explain why I don’t attend certain events. While all of this may change at any point, it seems like the best place for me to be right now, and that’s all right with me.

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4 Tricks for Better Conversations

Posted on March 8, 2023 by admin

Effective conversation can be difficult at times. There are many ways for conversations to go off the rails, even if they start off smoothly. Fortunately, there are also many ways to get them back on track or keep them from going off track in the first place. Here are some simple things that create and sustain effective conversations.

  1. Bring peace to the conversation by talking more slowly. This can make everyone feel at ease and allow for more enjoyable interactions than when there is a lot of nervous energy from fast talking. Along these lines, pause for at least two seconds after someone finishes talking to see if they’re through or are just catching their breath or gathering their thoughts before they continue speaking. This also allows what has just been said to sink in and stand a better chance of sticking with the listeners. Additionally, having longer pauses (anywhere from ten seconds to several minutes) when the conversation naturally dies down creates a wonderful opportunity to bond. More can often be learned about someone through silence than through speaking. It’s a shame more people don’t ever get the chance to learn about each other that way.
  2. Allow everyone to converse in their own way. This includes refraining from hurrying anyone along, finishing someone’s sentences (unless they’re stuck searching for a word and have asked for help), pressuring anyone to answer right away, asking multiple questions before the first one is answered, or interrupting stories by asking questions that will likely be answered naturally over the course of the story. When everyone brings their own unique style and personality to the table, exchanges become more interesting, unpredictable, and, likely, rewarding. All of that is lost when one or more participants attempts to make everyone converse a certain way.
  3. Talk about things every participant wants to talk about. When two or more people are talking at length about things they love but which don’t resonate with one or more participants, that can be extremely lonely for whoever is left out. On the many occasions I’ve found myself in those situations, I’ve often wondered what the point of me even being there was. This is less likely to happen in small groups and in situations where there is some clear shared interest, such as at a sports event or a comic convention. So, if there’s someone in a group who hasn’t said anything for a long stretch of time, shift the conversation by asking them about something they enjoy. They still may prefer to listen rather than speak but at least this invitation gives them the chance to engage and moves the whole encounter closer to finding something that everyone can enjoy discussing.
  4. Think like a dog. Anyone who’s spent time around dogs knows that they are masters of making everyone feel seen, welcomed, and loved. While any given dog may have preferred humans, they’ll still show love and kindness to all those around them, at least once they feel comfortable around new folks. My dog Sawyer always did this for me and made some of my loneliest times much less lonely. Even though dogs have a leg up (or, rather, several legs) in this regard, humans can still vastly improve their interactions by taking a lead from man’s best friend.
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What to Say When Someone Loses a Pet

Posted on March 1, 2023 by admin

Last week, I covered some things not to say when someone loses a pet. It’s only fitting for this week’s post to cover what to say when a pet dies. In addition to the suggestions below, I highly recommend checking out When a Pet Dies by Mister Rogers. That is a wonderful resource for an individual, family, or anyone else who has lost a pet or wishes to comfort someone who has. That book, along with lots of kind words from acquaintances and strangers alike, have been wonderful parts of my healing journey after losing my dog Sawyer. With all that in mind, here are some good things to say to someone who loses a pet.

  1. “How can I support you right now?” There are all kinds of ways to support someone who is grieving their lost pet, including listening, giving them space, hugging them, helping them with chores or financial issues, providing advice, etc. What any given person wants at any given time can vary widely, so asking this question early on is essential for knowing how to best help them. This also prevents inadvertent harm that can result from rushing in with unwanted “help”.
  2. Nothing. Sometimes even the kindest words are unwanted and unhelpful. Sometimes sitting with someone in silence or giving them space are preferred. If that’s what the person wants, then that is the best thing to do for them. Attempting to force them to do something they’re not willing or able to do will only make them feel worse, delay the healing process, and strain your relationship with them. Keep that in mind whenever the urge to jump in and “fix” them becomes strong.
  3. “What are some of your favorite memories with _______?” Best to use the pet’s name when you ask this question instead of saying “Your pet”, “The dog”, etc. However, not everyone wants to share their fond memories right away, and some may not want to share at all. As long as you readily accept whatever answer they give without pushing back against them, it’s fine to ask the question. After all, how will you know if they want to share unless you ask? For those who do want to share, this can be a wonderful invitation to keep alive the memory of their beloved animal friend and let them know that someone else is interested in hearing those sweet stories, even if that person never met their pet.
  4. Anything that recognizes and affirms the emotions the person is feeling. This one is huge. Loss of a loved one can bring with it a huge range of emotions, both positive and negative: depression, anxiety, anger, guilt, happiness, shame, peace, and so on. A lot of the pain comes from resisting certain emotions, even if those emotions are irrational. This pain can be exacerbated by well-meaning phrases, such as “Don’t cry” or “Just focus on the good times you had”. Someone may feel guilty over losing their pet even if they have no “reason” to do so. Unless that guilt is fully felt, it will stick around and keep causing trouble, possibly for the rest of the person’s life. While there’s no need to add to someone’s pain by making them feel bad about what they did or didn’t do for their pet, telling them to ignore their emotions is also harmful. Making them feel safe to experience whatever emotions come up is such a healing gesture, and one that’s not done nearly often enough.
  5. Anything positive about the pet. This is extra meaningful if you got to meet the person’s pet. Even if you didn’t, it’s still kind to compliment the pet’s appearance, say how much you enjoy listening to stories about the critter, talk about how much the person’s eyes light up and their voice becomes soft when talking about their beloved animal friend, etc. It’s crucial to maintain respect for how the person is feeling when doing this; they might want to hear a lot of that or little to none of it depending on where they are in their healing journey. As long as this is done respectfully, it can be incredibly beneficial for the grieving person to hear about shared love for their pet and to possibly hear how their pet benefited others in ways they never knew.
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What Not to Say When Someone Loses a Pet

Posted on February 22, 2023 by admin

The worst part of having a pet is the pain that comes when a pet dies. As if that weren’t enough, the cruel words and actions of others can add even more pain. I’ve been on the receiving end of at least a few cruel words since losing my dog Sawyer last April. In the hopes of stopping this, here are some things not to say to someone who has lost a pet.

  1. “Just get another one”. This is extremely insensitive and implies that a pet is replaceable. Even if someone does adopt another animal when they’re ready, the relationship with the new animal will be different than the one with the previous animal. Additionally, the only times I’ve heard of this being said with regard to human death are when someone loses a baby and is told to “Just have another one”. Outside of that, I’ve never heard of anyone being told this after losing a parent, sibling, grandparent, or other human family member, almost as if most folks know better than to say it to someone who is grieving. I hope that it quickly falls out of fashion and everyone who has said it stops saying it, whether about human or animal death.
  2. Anything negative about the appearance of the pet. Someone close to me once said that when she took one of her cats to the vet for the final time, somebody working at the office described her cat as looking “ugly”. I can’t think of a crueler thing to say to someone who is about to lose a beloved animal friend, or anytime at all; even if I thought their pet was ugly, I’d keep it to myself. Saying something rude about someone’s pet only causes harm, especially when they have lost or are about to lose them.
  3. “That’s not that long”. This pertains to pets who die before the expected lifespan of their species. With the exception of animals whose lives are about as long as or longer than human lifespans, everyone with a pet is aware that they will most likely outlive their pet. If a given pet dies sooner than expected, it’s best to avoid pointing that out. Just over a month after I lost Sawyer, someone felt the need to point out that he didn’t live as long as many other small dogs. Mentioning that only served to make me feel even worse than I already felt. I wish I’d said something at the time about how unnecessary and counterproductive that was. I plan to do exactly that if anyone ever says something similar to me again. There’s no need to remind someone how little time they had with their beloved animal friend.
  4. “The pain never goes away”. This is a horrible thing to say to someone who is severely hurting from the loss of their pet, especially if that loss is recent. I don’t know why anyone thinks it’s beneficial to tell someone that the extreme pain they’re feeling will always be with them. Additionally, since it’s been a little over ten months since Sawyer’s death, I now know this statement to be factually wrong. A huge amount of the pain has gone away, thanks to all the emotional work I’ve done this past year. As with other extremely painful experiences I’ve worked through, I’m certain that all the pain around this situation will be gone once I’ve fully worked through it.
  5. “Get over it”. For whatever reason, this phrase still sometimes comes up when someone feels upset about a painful loss. It seems especially prevalent when it comes to animal death. Sawyer treated me better than most other humans have, including several members of my biological family. Losing him has been the most painful experience of my life and I’m so grateful that nobody has told me to “get over” his death. Unfortunately, I know that many others have been told this in the midst of losing their own beloved animal friends, including those whose beloved animal friends have been as special to them as Sawyer has been to me. That phrase and the sentiment behind it are both absolutely unnecessary as well as counterproductive to the healing process.
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Spread the Wonderful

Posted on February 15, 2023 by admin

Recently, I realized that my best days often contain a feature that I call “spread the wonderful”. This involves having at least one nice thing in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Like most other simple things, spreading the wonderful does a lot with just a little.

To start, spreading the wonderful is a much better approach than having all the niceness in just one part of the day. If each part of the day has something nice in it, it makes everything much smoother and more enjoyable. It feels similar to being in a theme park and going from one fun ride, show, or other kind of activity to another. Should something unpleasant happen, having niceness surrounding the unpleasantness makes it much easier to handle. However, when the whole day has wonderful stuff throughout, it becomes less likely that something bad will happen, that a bad happening will worsen my mood, or both. Everything’s easier to handle when I’m in a good mood, and plenty of nice things make it easy for me to get into, and stay in, a good mood.

Spreading the wonderful was much easier when my dog Sawyer was still here. Although it was often hard to leave him in the morning for work, school, or whatever else I had in store for that day, I still enjoyed visiting with him before I left the house. Hanging out with him when I got back always made going home a huge treat, even if I’d had a bad day. Since he died, it’s easier to leave the house as I won’t be missing out on quality time with him while I’m away. It’s also harder to go back home knowing he won’t be there to greet me, make me feel welcomed, and love on me just because. As such, I’ve made spreading the wonderful an even higher priority so I can handle life without him. That makes the decent days better and the hard days bearable. I hope I keep improving at this and get to where I can do it effectively no matter what life throws at me.

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The Monster

Posted on February 8, 2023 by admin

The monster lost its power over me.

For most of my life, it controlled me and made me do anything it wanted me to.

I always tried to avoid its crushing grip but never succeeded.

Fighting it only made it stronger.

Eventually, I decided to look at it.

It took ages before I could look at it without the fear stopping me.

After that came huge amounts of sadness, which eventually faded.

Anger was next and seemed like it would never go away.

Fortunately, it, too, eventually faded.

One day, I realized that the monster was merely my own inner pain.

I then decided to see what would happen if I loved the pain instead of hating it.

As I did all of this, the monster got smaller and weaker every step of the way.

Its control over me loosened the smaller and weaker it got.

My own power grew and strengthened the more I did this.

My dog Sawyer helped immensely by loving me through all of it.

Eventually, the monster went away entirely.

I’ve been free ever since.

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Lessons From a Barrier and a Computer

Posted on February 1, 2023 by admin

In this blog post, we’ll examine several concepts about effective human function through a few real-world devices that seem to have no relation to each other or to the human concepts. Let’s go.

Tom Scott has a cool video about the Thames Barrier. That system is designed so well that it will still provide sufficient protection even if one of the barrier’s huge gates becomes inoperable. Should that happen, then, as Tom put it, “The margin for error would be gone, but that’s why the margin’s there.” Redundancy, strength, and flexibility are essential for this system, and they are all also crucial for the systems that I use in my own life. As I’ve learned how to function more effectively, I’ve gotten better at making do with a lot less. That said, I still prefer to have multiple ways for something to succeed than just one; if I only have one method and it fails, I’m sunk. The greater the efficiency, the smaller the margin of error. This is a problem for anyone looking to push the limits, see how much they can do with as little as possible, follow extreme schedules, and work too hard for too long on too little rest.

One of the first electronic computers ever made was used to decrypt German high command messages during WWII. Called Colossus, the computer utilized vacuum tubes, also called thermionic valves, which were known to break. Tommy Flowers, the English engineer who designed and built Colossus, said “Valves are fine so long as you never switch them off.” When not in use, the power could be turned down low but was still kept on; doing so preserved most of the valves, as did increasing or decreasing the power slowly rather than quickly. This is an effective approach for humans as well: ramping up and down slowly to minimize stress instead of jumping straight into a high level of function and staying there too long. Whenever I change gears effectively and back off as needed, it prevents me from getting overwhelmed or burned out, even when I have a lot on my plate.

Those are a few examples of the importance of having a sufficient margin of error, doing things at the proper pace, and resting as needed. With so many humans getting poor nutrition, not enough water, insufficient physical activity, little to no effective stress management, and insufficient amounts of quality sleep, it’s no wonder there are so many problems in the world that go unsolved and get worse. Lots of small stresses add up to big stresses, and even small amounts of stress prevent even small problems from being solved. The problem is multiplied when stress makes people fight with each other rather than work together.

I believe that everyone is always doing the best they are capable of in any given moment. However, for reasons discussed above, most are not anywhere near their peak potential. Those who consistently get enough quality sleep, good nutrition, solid exercise, effective stress management, and sufficient recovery are able to operate near their full potential. Those who consistently neglect one or more of these are stuck at a much lower level. I notice this in myself whenever I feel tired (especially when I’ve had several days of insufficient sleep), hungry, thirsty, and so on. In that state, I can’t think, speak, solve problems, behave properly, or do much of anything well. Only after I give myself whatever I need to feel better can I act effectively. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes to return to effective action and other times it can take more than a week.

It’s hard to tell if things in general are moving in a positive direction with regards to all of the above. When it seems to be happening, there is lots of talk about healing and love alongside positive action toward those ends. Other times, that couldn’t be further from reality. When that happens, there is tons of negativity, hostility, and hatred, and any action taken only makes things worse. These two scenarios often alternate in a seemingly endless cycle.

I used to stress almost endlessly about the state of things. I’d feel overjoyed when it was going well and devastated when it took a turn. Now I do my best to ignore the noise and focus on what I can heal in myself (which almost always involves some pain related to losing my dog Sawyer) and how I can help those close to me. That makes me feel a lot calmer and allows me to act much more effectively by preventing me from getting caught up in negativity. For the things that are worth doing, I’d rather stay focused on giving them my all instead of getting constantly distracted by negative irrelevancies. I plan to continue this as much as possible, whether or not anyone else follows suit.

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