Last year, I wrote a guide to proper venting. Recently, I got the idea to write a similar guide to emotional intelligence. This is a written version of what I do to manage my emotions in healthy ways. I learned it from the book Letting Go by David Hawkins, although it might be easier to learn it through The Sedona Method Movie. Depending on how I feel and what’s going on around me, I might need to sit down and focus on all of this. Most of the time, it takes just a bit of self-awareness to see the feelings that are coming up and let them run their course. In either case, it has helped me tremendously with navigating emotionally difficult situations, whether it’s something incredibly small or as huge and painful as my dog Sawyer’s death almost four years ago. I hope it benefits you as much as it’s benefitted me. Here is my approach.
I feel (insert emotions here) because (insert upsetting incident here) happened. I wish (insert alternative outcome here) had happened instead so that I could have felt (insert other emotions here). Since that isn’t an option, I will let myself feel all the feelings that come up around this event without resisting them, no matter how long it takes. If I need to take breaks, I will, as long as I resume letting the feelings come up again afterward. Whether this brings relief immediately or takes many years, I will keep this up until all the feelings have run their course, I feel better, and I have mostly if not entirely forgotten about (insert upsetting incident here).
If I still feel the need to vent to somebody after feeling through lots of emotions, I will first get that person’s permission and make sure they’re in a good enough mental/emotional state to receive what I say. I will then make it clear what I’m seeking (advice, a quiet listener, encouragement, etc.) so they don’t have to guess at what I want. I will then boil my concerns down to a brief description (one that lasts a minute or two at most) of what happened and the emotions I feel about it. This way, the other person will know how to best help me, and I will avoid overwhelming them with excessive words and taking much longer than necessary to get to the point.
However, I will not gossip. If I feel upset about a particular situation with A and it’s something that is best addressed for the good of our relationship, I will go straight to A once I’ve felt through enough emotions to feel good enough for an important conversation and we will work through the problem together. Only A and I can work through a problem that exists between us, so going to anyone else won’t fix the issue. I won’t gossip about A to B, C, D, or anyone else since they can’t solve the problem for me, and I won’t burden them with private information that isn’t theirs to know and which violates the trust I have with A. Just as I wouldn’t want anybody to share my private information or talk badly about me behind my back to anyone else, neither will I do that to A or anybody else.