This past Sunday marked four years since my dog Sawyer died. Hard to believe it’s been so long since I last held, hugged, cuddled, kissed, played with, walked with, napped with, and did life with Sawyer. Such anniversaries are always painful, and this one was no exception. It also came with a number of surprises that I’ll cover below. Let’s explore them together.
I’m glad the anniversary of Sawyer’s death fell on a Sunday. That gave me much more time to feel through everything and go through the day at my own pace than I’d have had on a workday. However, I do wish that that weekend would have been less busy. Much of Saturday was taken up by a short film shoot, although it was fun and I ended up getting out much earlier than expected. I then enjoyed petting a bunny at the pet store on the way home. Sadness became noticeably larger on Saturday evening as the anniversary of Sawyer’s death drew ever nearer. That’s how it’s been for the last several years. On Sunday morning, I read When a Pet Dies by Mister Rogers and watched a Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood episode about death, as I’ve done for each of the previous anniversaries of Sawyer’s death. Once I finished spending some time by Sawyer’s grave, I pet some stingrays and goats at the zoo. That helped me feel better. Afterward, I visited with some friends and two sweet pups. The great hugs from my friends and a nice zoo worker I’ve known for a few years now also helped.
I’m glad to say that the pain of Sawyer’s death and life without him is almost completely gone. I figured it would be, given how much letting go I’ve done over the past four years. At this rate, I believe it’ll all be gone by next year. Either way, I feel more confident every year in the truth of this quote from When a Pet Dies by Mister Rogers: “It can be very hard when a pet you love dies. You may feel that you’ll never stop being sad, that the hurt will never go away… but it will.” It certainly is going away, thank goodness.
Something else that made me feel better were all the cardinals I saw. There were two males and one female on April 16th at work, which made my whole day. I saw one male and one female at the zoo on Sunday. Then I saw a few more cardinals a day or two after Sawyer’s death anniversary. They were all such sweet sights that gave me some comfort.
Work went well enough on Monday, thank goodness. Since then, though, it’s been a difficult week. Thank goodness it’s almost over. I spent a bit of time today at lunch feeling through some guilt over not spending more time with Sawyer in his final few days, including going to a few events instead of hanging out with him and not going on even one walk together. Those areas definitely could use some love as I seem to have been unintentionally neglecting them over the years. I reckon that working through those feelings will bring me even more relief and take me a big step closer to total peace.
I’ll forever feel grateful to David Hawkins for writing Letting Go. Without it, I don’t think I’d have survived the past four years. I almost didn’t make it through the overwhelming sorrow, misery, and heartache, even with knowing how to release painful emotions. The worst of it went away about a year and a half after Sawyer’s death. Since then, it’s been at a low enough level that I could likely go through the rest of my life and be ok. However, I want to go beyond that. I want to reclaim that deep, unshakeable peace from September 2021. If I can, I’d like to go beyond even that as that peace was temporary. It seems like the next chapter of my life will require more courage, confidence, and creativity. The less negativity I’m holding, the easier all of that will be. Now that I’ve mostly healed from losing Sawyer, I can focus more on the deeper issues holding me back from an even better life than I have at this point. While I so wish Sawyer were here to accompany me into this next season, I now have some hope that I’ll be able to enter it even in his absence. I had no hope for the longest time, so having it now is such a sweet gift.