There is a lot of pain in the world. Many humans and animals seek out comfort in other living creatures when they feel extremely upset. Animals are pretty good at comforting those in need, especially domestic animals. However, humans are hit or miss in this area. Let’s explore this.
Effectively comforting someone is about finding out what that person needs and meeting those needs as best as possible. This can be difficult since everyone is an individual and what works well for one may be awful for another. Fortunately, there are ways to figure out what works best for any given person. The best way to start is by asking what the other person wants and needs. This is such a simple thing yet hardly anybody seems to do it. Most folks I know will start by immediately giving advice, talking about their own problems, criticizing the person who feels upset, trying to get them to “look on the bright side,” etc. I understand this to a point as I often used to do similarly before I learned of a better approach. Since then, I strive to start out by asking questions before doing anything else. That lets me know right away what they want and lays the groundwork for a plan to help them get it (if I’m able to do so).
Some are excellent at knowing what they want and need and are able to make it clear from the start, in some cases even before any questions are asked. Others may know what they want but struggle to vocalize it, and still others may not even know. In the second and third cases, it may help by offering possibilities (ie “Do you want space, advice, someone to listen?”). It can also be helpful to eliminate options that the person definitely doesn’t want (advice, lots of physical activity, a hug, etc.). When the person feels sufficiently overwhelmed, however, they may not want to even begin figuring any of that out yet. They might ask for some alone time, someone to sit quietly with them, a listening ear, etc. Whether they volunteer this information or it comes as an answer to one or more questions, the answer they give is the proper step for that moment. A larger plan can be created later once the person is feeling much better.
I’d like to talk about a common approach that gets a lot of mixed responses. Suppose A is feeling upset and looks to B for comfort. B responds by saying “I can relate to you. I went through the same thing a few years ago.” I’ve seen that more times than I can count. Some find that they feel heard, seen, or understood by others bringing up similar experiences. Others feel ignored, upset, and left out when this happens. Since this post is all about comforting someone in whatever ways work for them, I think it’s best to ask someone whether or not they’d like this approach instead of automatically starting with it.
At this point, I only show someone who’s struggling that they’re not alone if they request it. This is mostly due to my dislike of others bringing up their experiences in response to my telling them I’m having a difficult time. On many occasions early in my life, sharing a negative experience resulted in someone responding with a lecture, yelling, shaming me, acting violently toward me, or turning the focus onto themselves; those old wounds are triggered every time I talk to someone about my pain and they bring up their own pain. Additionally, nobody else knows what it’s like to be me and I don’t know what it’s like to be anybody else. I have no concept of their pain and they have no concept of mine, so anyone who thinks they know how I feel is mistaken. Hearing about someone else’s pain when I already feel upset also tends to make me feel worse because then I feel bad about them feeling bad. That’s why I heal best when I’m alone and prefer someone talking about my issues instead of theirs whenever I do seek comfort from others.
There are ways to show understanding without putting the focus onto oneself. The best one I’ve found is through empathic listening, which is listening with the intent to understand what someone is saying. Once someone has explained their situation, empathic listening involves putting what they’ve said into one’s own words and repeating certain key phrases. If correct, the person knows they’ve been heard and understood; if incorrect, the person can clarify as needed until understanding has been reached. It’s also useful to use phrases that involve seeing and hearing what they are saying (“Sounds like you hated that outcome” and “It looks like you’re feeling better now.”). While this can be difficult to learn, it gets easier with practice, and it eventually becomes second nature. An excellent example of this occurs fairly early in the movie Inside Out. A real-world example comes from Marshall Rosenberg, who was a master of empathic listening.
It took me a long time to move away from putting the focus onto myself and into using methods that show others I’m listening while keeping the focus on them. It still sometimes takes a conscious effort to use what I’ve learned instead of what I grew up using. Nonviolent Communication, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Never Split the Difference, and Crucial Conversations all talk about the importance of listening, especially the first three. However, I found it difficult to use the tools those books gave me while my emotions were still running amok. That didn’t change until I released a ton of pain and gained a great deal of emotional intelligence after practicing the letting go technique I learned from the book Letting Go. That allowed me to pause, take a breath, and take a more effective approach. It then became much easier to truly listen, take the time to put together a proper response, and focus on making both myself and the other person better off through that interaction.
I often got quiet around my dog Sawyer whenever I felt upset. He knew when I needed some comfort and was excellent at giving me that quiet, gentle support. Additionally, he never turned the focus toward himself, felt angry with me for feeling upset, lectured me, abandoned me when I needed him, or anything else along those lines. He taught me a lot about being there for others in need, and I still use that stuff when I can. Those who’ve experienced it firsthand have seemed to appreciate it and find it useful to their healing. I truly hope that’s the case. I also hope that I get better at doing this and that it becomes the norm rather than exception wherever humans roam.