The Tartt Take

“Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways. We evaluate – we either agree or disagree; we probe – we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise – we give counsel based on our own experience; or we interpret – we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior.”

-Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

The above quote so beautifully puts into words the majority of why I feel dissatisfied with most human interactions: the focus is kept anywhere other than on understanding what the person who has just spoken is feeling and needing. I do my best to give that understanding to those close to me, and I wish everyone close to me would do the same. That would make a world of difference in everyday life and even more difference for those in pain. I’ve contributed to this dream by writing about it a lot in previous blog posts, particularly in the one about comforting someone effectively. I hope that some will learn how to do that through reading my blog posts or books about communication and emotions, or by taking classes on these subjects, or through interacting with those who are excellent at effective communication and emotional intelligence. Anyone whose intentions are to help those in pain feel better and who have the ability to learn the skills to do so will, sooner or later, learn those skills. Everyone else will continue doing whatever they like, even if it creates more pain for those who already feel miserable. With that in mind, here are some things to avoid doing if you don’t want to make others feel worse.

1. Try to forcibly change their emotions. When something notable happens to someone, it causes an emotional reaction within that person. The emotions generated by that experience then create thoughts. If the emotions are allowed to settle, then the thoughts will naturally go away on their own. However, if the emotions are resisted, then the thoughts will stick around. Knowledge of this process still seems largely uncommon as many folks try to change their emotions by changing their thoughts. All this does is bury the emotions deeper within and makes them come out in different, negative ways (physical pain and disease, sleeping trouble, digestive issues, random bouts of anger, etc.). Thus, anyone who tries to use reason or logic to change the emotions of someone who is hurting or tells them not to cry, feel angry, yell, or otherwise encourages them to resist feeling their emotions is actually causing that person even more trouble by taking them further away from healing. The best way to help someone overcome negative emotions around a painful situation is to make it safe for that person to feel fully through those emotions. As the emotions gradually go away, so will the pain.
2. Give unsolicited advice. I quickly started disliking whenever others asked me if I was going to get another pet after my dog Sawyer died, and I absolutely hated being told any variation of “Get another dog.” As if any animal could ever replace Sawyer, and as if I were in any position at all (emotionally, financially, or otherwise) to properly care for another living being when I was drowning in sorrow. That was one of the worst things I heard, although I also resented being told how to think or feel about Sawyer’s death. One benefit of that experience is that I now do my best to avoid giving anyone else unsolicited advice, especially someone who is deeply hurting. I wish everyone else would follow suit.
3. Talk about yourself and your experience. If A gets badly injured and B is a doctor who is assigned to treat A, would B treat A or himself? Although you’re correct in saying that B would treat A, the other option often happens with emotional pain. It’s so common to hear something along the lines of, “I can relate. The same thing happened to me and…” whenever one brings up a painful experience. The standard explanation is that this is done in an attempt to show the hurting person that they’re not alone or that someone understands their pain. While some claim that this helps them feel better, empathic listening (which is simply listening to understand what the person in pain is feeling and needing) is a much better way to do this. Stephen Covey talks a great deal about this in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and several other authors have also talked about it in their own books. As with all other skills, it can be difficult at first and gets much easier with practice.
4. Tell them about their experience. Unless you’ve heard someone speak at length about what their experience was like, you don’t know that information or how they feel about it. Once you’ve heard them out, you can repeat certain key phrases and sum it up in your own words to see if you’ve understood them properly. That said, it’s best to avoid making definitive statements based on assumptions, such as “The pain never goes away,” “You’ll always miss them,” or “You’re ok.” Instead, listen to them and learn straight from them how they are doing.
5. Compare their experience to someone else’s. Going off of the last two points, every individual in the world is unique, and the same goes for their pain. Two people may have gone through the same situation and yet their pain can be quite different. So, rather than trying to make someone feel better by pointing out someone who “has it worse,” take a page from this lovely quote I recently saw on social media: “Don’t tell them about other people who have it worse. Their pain is their own. Your compassion comes from listening, not telling.”
6. Talk nonstop. It’s common for someone to feel uncomfortable when a nearby person is upset, especially if the two are close. Some attempt to alleviate that discomfort by filling the space with words. This backfires because healing requires getting in touch with painful feelings, and that takes a lot of quiet time. The more you talk, the more you prevent the quiet that is essential to heal, and the longer you make the hurting person’s healing journey. So keep the words to a minimum, allow silence, and give the hurting person room to speak as they like.
7. Ask endless questions. In addition to delaying the healing process as mentioned in the previous point, asking one question after another can also quickly become overwhelming for someone in tremendous pain. This is especially the case if the questions require lots of thought or are ones that the person would rather not answer, whether for privacy reasons, because they’ve already answered them many times, or something else. Any one of those can be incredibly tiring, and anyone who is deeply grieving already feels tired enough as it is. If you’ve asked someone a lot of questions and they have given minimal answers, answered with great reluctance, or have stopped answering altogether, stop asking questions and give them space to decide what to say or do at that point.
8. Judge the person and tell them all your opinions of their situation. Lots of people deal with harsh inner critics. Those inner critics can provide constant condemnation, even when the person is doing well in life. “Don’t be such a baby,” “Man up!” “I don’t think you should feel guilty,” “Stop immersing yourself in this,” “Move on,” “Get over it,” and so on. Adding to their pain by playing the part of an outer critic only hurts them even more and further reinforces the negative inner critic. People in pain need compassion, not condemnation. They also need to be heard, not to be made to listen to what everyone thinks about what happened to them, how they’re handling it, how they “should” handle it, etc. If you can’t say anything kind or keep the focus on them, stay silent and help them find someone who can help them.