How To Make Someone Feel Worse

“Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways. We evaluate – we either agree or disagree; we probe – we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise – we give counsel based on our own experience; or we interpret – we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior.”

-Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

The above quote so beautifully puts into words the majority of why I feel dissatisfied with most human interactions: the focus is kept anywhere other than on understanding what the person who has just spoken is feeling and needing. I do my best to give that understanding to those close to me, and I wish everyone close to me would do the same. That would make a world of difference in everyday life and even more difference for those in pain. I’ve contributed to this dream by writing about it a lot in previous blog posts, particularly in the one about comforting someone effectively. I hope that some will learn how to do that through reading my blog posts or books about communication and emotions, or by taking classes on these subjects, or through interacting with those who are excellent at effective communication and emotional intelligence. Anyone whose intentions are to help those in pain feel better and who have the ability to learn the skills to do so will, sooner or later, learn those skills. Everyone else will continue doing whatever they like, even if it creates more pain for those who already feel miserable. With that in mind, here are some things to avoid doing if you don’t want to make others feel worse.

  1. Try to forcibly change their emotions. When something notable happens to someone, it causes an emotional reaction within that person. The emotions generated by that experience then create thoughts. If the emotions are allowed to settle, then the thoughts will naturally go away on their own. However, if the emotions are resisted, then the thoughts will stick around. Knowledge of this process still seems largely uncommon as many folks try to change their emotions by changing their thoughts. All this does is bury the emotions deeper within and makes them come out in different, negative ways (physical pain and disease, sleeping trouble, digestive issues, random bouts of anger, etc.). Thus, anyone who tries to use reason or logic to change the emotions of someone who is hurting or tells them not to cry, feel angry, yell, or otherwise encourages them to resist feeling their emotions is actually causing that person even more trouble by taking them further away from healing. The best way to help someone overcome negative emotions around a painful situation is to make it safe for that person to feel fully through those emotions. As the emotions gradually go away, so will the pain.
  2. Give unsolicited advice. I quickly started disliking whenever others asked me if I was going to get another pet after my dog Sawyer died, and I absolutely hated being told any variation of “Get another dog.” As if any animal could ever replace Sawyer, and as if I were in any position at all (emotionally, financially, or otherwise) to properly care for another living being when I was drowning in sorrow. That was one of the worst things I heard, although I also resented being told how to think or feel about Sawyer’s death. One benefit of that experience is that I now do my best to avoid giving anyone else unsolicited advice, especially someone who is deeply hurting. I wish everyone else would follow suit.
  3. Talk about yourself and your experience. If A gets badly injured and B is a doctor who is assigned to treat A, would B treat A or himself? Although you’re correct in saying that B would treat A, the other option often happens with emotional pain. It’s so common to hear something along the lines of, “I can relate. The same thing happened to me and…” whenever one brings up a painful experience. The standard explanation is that this is done in an attempt to show the hurting person that they’re not alone or that someone understands their pain. While some claim that this helps them feel better, empathic listening (which is simply listening to understand what the person in pain is feeling and needing) is a much better way to do this. Stephen Covey talks a great deal about this in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and several other authors have also talked about it in their own books. As with all other skills, it can be difficult at first and gets much easier with practice.
  4. Tell them about their experience. Unless you’ve heard someone speak at length about what their experience was like, you don’t know that information or how they feel about it. Once you’ve heard them out, you can repeat certain key phrases and sum it up in your own words to see if you’ve understood them properly. That said, it’s best to avoid making definitive statements based on assumptions, such as “The pain never goes away,” “You’ll always miss them,” or “You’re ok.” Instead, listen to them and learn straight from them how they are doing.
  5. Compare their experience to someone else’s. Going off of the last two points, every individual in the world is unique, and the same goes for their pain. Two people may have gone through the same situation and yet their pain can be quite different. So, rather than trying to make someone feel better by pointing out someone who “has it worse,” take a page from this lovely quote I recently saw on social media: “Don’t tell them about other people who have it worse. Their pain is their own. Your compassion comes from listening, not telling.”
  6. Talk nonstop. It’s common for someone to feel uncomfortable when a nearby person is upset, especially if the two are close. Some attempt to alleviate that discomfort by filling the space with words. This backfires because healing requires getting in touch with painful feelings, and that takes a lot of quiet time. The more you talk, the more you prevent the quiet that is essential to heal, and the longer you make the hurting person’s healing journey. So keep the words to a minimum, allow silence, and give the hurting person room to speak as they like.
  7. Ask endless questions. In addition to delaying the healing process as mentioned in the previous point, asking one question after another can also quickly become overwhelming for someone in tremendous pain. This is especially the case if the questions require lots of thought or are ones that the person would rather not answer, whether for privacy reasons, because they’ve already answered them many times, or something else. Any one of those can be incredibly tiring, and anyone who is deeply grieving already feels tired enough as it is. If you’ve asked someone a lot of questions and they have given minimal answers, answered with great reluctance, or have stopped answering altogether, stop asking questions and give them space to decide what to say or do at that point.
  8. Judge the person and tell them all your opinions of their situation. Lots of people deal with harsh inner critics. Those inner critics can provide constant condemnation, even when the person is doing well in life. “Don’t be such a baby,” “Man up!” “I don’t think you should feel guilty,” “Stop immersing yourself in this,” “Move on,” “Get over it,” and so on. Adding to their pain by playing the part of an outer critic only hurts them even more and further reinforces the negative inner critic. People in pain need compassion, not condemnation. They also need to be heard, not to be made to listen to what everyone thinks about what happened to them, how they’re handling it, how they “should” handle it, etc. If you can’t say anything kind or keep the focus on them, stay silent and help them find someone who can help them.
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Step by Step

In response to all the painful changes I’ve been through over the last five years, I’ve developed a number of routines that have helped me survive and feel good enough to keep going. As I continue healing, I’m gradually backing down some of the activities and routines that no longer seem necessary to my well-being. Here’s how that’s going.

Every day that I’m home, I spend time in the morning and at night in the backyard by my dog Sawyer’s grave. I talk to him, sing him some songs, tell him about both big and small things in my life, and share how I’m feeling at any given moment. On the rare occasion that I spend one or more nights/days away from home, I still do some version of this. Just like at home, I always bring along Sawyer’s squeaky moon toy and the Sawyer socks that a friend gave me for my first birthday after Sawyer’s death. After returning home, I go right back to the full versions of those routines.

I’ve made some changes this year to those routines. Those changes have included singing fewer songs to Sawyer at his grave, getting less quiet time in the morning, and eating breakfast earlier than I have for the past several years. These are the latest changes I’ve made. Over the past few years, I naturally, started spending less time by Sawyer’s grave and made some other changes as the pain went away.

My other main daily routines involve my hobbies. I still love to juggle, unicycle, and rola bola every day. While I used to also work every day on some magic tricks and this Laurel and Hardy dance, I now only do them once a week. I’m certain that weekly practice will allow me to keep the skills I developed through practicing them every day for a year (or more, in some cases), and it gives me lots more time in the day for other activities that I’d rather do.

Some of those routines have shifted temporarily even before this year, such as when I stay in Amelia Island for a few days each December for the Dickens on Centre event. I’ll still do a modified version of my comforting routines while I’m there or overnight anywhere outside my house. The same goes for staying overnight at my grandparent’s house while it’s still being prepared for sale (which, it seems, will take place by the end of this month). Modifying those routines has shown me that I can still benefit from doing mostly the same activities in a shorter time or by doing fewer activities while keeping some that are especially important to me.

All of these changes have come from my own initiative. Just as I did when I first developed the routines and spent much more time in them than I currently do, I’m making these changes in my own time and ignoring whatever anyone else thinks about this. I know myself well enough to know that rushing myself through anything is a recipe for disaster, especially when it’s related to healing. As such, I’m listening to myself and making slight, gradual changes only when I’m ready instead of going along with what someone else thinks I “should” do. I’ve found the gradual approach works best for me. For example, I used to go out to Sawyer’s grave around 10 o’clock on most mornings. Once I felt ready to make a change, I went out one minute later every week until I settled on the current range, which is between 10:20 and 10:25 on normal days. That was much easier and far less scary than making an immediate jump of 20-25 minutes.

Habits and routines can be hard to change. That said, cutting back on them as described above as I heal has given me a new feeling of freedom in that I’m doing things more because I want to do them and less because of any sense of obligation. Since even a small amount of progress can make an enormous difference over time, I feel good about the way these routines are going now. I look forward to seeing how they continue to change as I continue to heal.

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The More You Try

At one of my gigs last month, I had a conversation with a fellow performer about audience perceptions. He mentioned that the audience members that night didn’t seem to fully understand the difficulty of some of the skills being performed. Since that particular audience seemed less responsive than previous audiences, I suspected he was onto something. Let’s explore that, shall we?

Although I have a fair number of hobbies and have gotten pretty good at several of them, I’ve tried many more than I’ve kept up with. Trying a variety of skills has given me greater appreciation for those who can do them exceptionally well. Some things are much harder than they look, especially when they’re done by an expert. I’m often surprised at how difficult something is after watching someone else do it effortlessly. Even attempting something one time can often show me how hard it is to do it at all, much less to do it at a high level. Knowing firsthand how difficult something is allows me to better enjoy it when someone makes it look easy. I had some such appreciation for what several of the performers demonstrated at the gig since I’ve tried some of those things over the course of my life.

My late dog Sawyer made it look incredibly easy to comfort others. Having attempted to do a lot of that myself, I know firsthand how difficult it can be; when I forget, I’m reminded as soon as I attempt to comfort someone. It still amazes me how good he was at it and how effortlessly he succeeded whenever I felt upset. When someone needs support, I do my best to follow the example Sawyer set. Although it’s much harder for me than it was for him, the better I follow his lead, the more effective are the results.

I’ve mostly stumbled into the various things I’ve tried. There’s been hardly any conscious effort on my part to seek out new activities. As with most other enjoyable things in my life, the fun activities I’ve tried have mostly found me. The more things I try, the more people I meet with varied interests, and the more opportunities I have to try new things. Even when I haven’t tried a particular activity, I’ve tried enough to realize that most things are harder than they look, and that gives me instant appreciation for almost anyone who is doing something well. For the sake of performers everywhere, I wish more audience members would try a variety of skills so that they’d better appreciate those who can do them at a high level and reward them with more applause, cheering, and the like. Until then, I’ll continue enjoying watching talented folks make difficult things look easy and supporting them whenever I’m in their audience.

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2024 Year End Review

As today is the last Wednesday of 2024, it’s time for a review of the year. I always enjoy looking back on the highs, lows, and everything in between before one year ends and the next begins. It’s a great way to remember some of the hidden gems that accompany every year, think about how to overcome repeated challenges going forward, and figure out how to make next year better. Here’s my take on 2024.

This has been one of the hardest years of my life, and the hardest once since 2022. For most of 2024, I was plagued with health problems, financial issues, relationship trouble, and lots of emotional pain. Although I had released lots of pain around my dog Sawyer’s death, I still had plenty of other pain in other areas, especially my efforts to rebuild my financial situation and other aspects of my life that were either immediately demolished or gradually whittled away after Sawyer died. The constant ups and downs of 2024 made my efforts to rebuild extremely difficult and generally limited in their success.

I said goodbye to a lot this year: humans, animal friends, interests, certain group activities, places, the business I started in late 2021 and never used, and a few of my favorite beard care product scents. In some cases, I wanted those parts of my life to continue and losing them was quite painful. In other cases, I was glad to see them go. Even then, there was still pain involved in losing familiar parts of my life. The most painful goodbyes were my grandmother and the house that she and my grandfather lived in for most of my life. While I can still go to their house at the time of this writing, that will only be the case for a little while longer, and it looks quite different since much of the furniture and other possessions in the house have been removed. I felt sad that there was no family Christmas visit there this year, as there was for the past two years in a row and many other years going back to when I was a little kid. Another beloved Christmas tradition has come to an end.

Similarly to 2017, much of 2024 knocked me down repeatedly every time I got back up, and the year seemed to take just as much as it gave. Fortunately, as with 2017, 2024 got better toward the end. My financial situation improved a lot, my health has gotten way better, my relationships are slowly progressing, and the gigs I had in December were wonderful. Dickens on Centre, which I’ve now done for three years, was especially special. That’s always the biggest event I do. Although the abundant rain and wind made things much more difficult for everyone, we all pulled through and had fun performing for everyone who came to enjoy the experience. I believe that I performed better this year than I have in either of the other years I’ve done this event. Similarly, the How the Big Band Stole Christmas shows went splendidly and featured the best juggling and unicycling I’ve done onstage, and possibly in any performances I’ve ever done. It was wonderful to be part of such an amazing show and be around so many talented people who were all at their best and came together to make it happen.

I feared that a bit of unexpected car trouble halfway through this month would undo most of my progress this year, especially the financial progress. To my surprise and tremendous relief, it turned out to be a quick, easy fix that cost me less than $10. That got me right back on track and had me feeling good again within an hour. Although I would have preferred it if that issue hadn’t arisen in the first place, I’m glad it turned out to be such a small, inexpensive problem. I’m glad to report that the rest of December went smoothly for me, including today. I had a lovely Christmas at home with family and then elsewhere with extended family before taking a long walk around my neighborhood to see the lights and decorations. Even though it’s my third Christmas without Sawyer and my first without my grandmother, I enjoyed the day and only cried a little bit. It was my best Christmas in many years, and I’m so thankful for that.

I wish 2024 had been a better year for me and several other folks I know who also seem to have had an exceptionally hard year. I’m glad that it’s coming in for a smooth landing. The week between Christmas and the new year can often be disorienting, but it can also offer some rest that most of December doesn’t allow. I look forward to that rest, and I hope that 2025 will be an easier, kinder, gentler, and more enjoyable year for me and everyone else. We could all use a break before life breaks us any further.

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Reviewing My 2024 Goals

Last week, I shared my goals for next year. Now it’s time to look back on my goals from this year. This is always a great opportunity to see where I succeeded and where some improvement would be nice, and it gets me in the right mood to start early on next year’s goals. Without further ado, let’s see how I did with my 2024 goals.

  1. Heal as much of my remaining pain as possible. Since my dog Sawyer died on April 19th, 2022, most of my attention has been on healing from the excruciating pain that that caused me. While I haven’t healed it all, I’ve managed to heal most of it over the remainder of 2022 and everything thus far of 2023. That has allowed me to recover some of the courage I had during the high times in 2021 and do things I could never have done while I was still drowning in sorrow. It’s also cleared the way for me to focus on some of the deeper pains that have been with me since I was a little kid. I’m certain that healing that original pain will be the most freeing experience of my life and let me step into the man I’ve always wanted to be.

    This was a mixed bag. Regarding Sawyer’s death, I’m at the point now that I hardly ever feel excessively sad or otherwise upset. That’s a remarkable place to be considering how deep and ever-present the pain was for well over a year. In other areas, it’s harder to say. I still often feel uncomfortable around other humans, especially when I dislike how things are going and wish to change them. It’s still hard to speak up in those situations due to the fear of being punished for voicing my concerns and possibly even losing a relationship with someone I care about. There is still also fear around both success and failure: that I will lose what I have left and that I will reach a new level of accomplishment in life that will demand very different things than what I currently do. Recent events, especially a gig this past weekend, have restored a lot of my confidence and courage. I plan to use that lovely boost and the progress I made this year to start 2025 off on the right foot.

  2. Improve my finances. It’s been a long time since my financial situation has been as strained as it is now. Fortunately, I’m in good shape for this month and at least the early part of next year. All the healing work I’ve done and the boundaries I’ve set since late 2021 have put me in a position to greatly expand my financial opportunities in 2024. At least some of this will include moving forward on a few projects that I had intended to start this year but never did. I also plan to contribute more money toward investing, which is something I began doing this past January. I look forward to recovering financially from the major drains of the last few years and getting back to the stable place I was in for most of the past decade.

    Also mixed results here. Despite a seemingly endless flood of financial challenges, my financial situation survived the year. It was often quite a stretch, and I had to borrow or straight up ask for money from those close to me on several occasions. My food delivery gig kept me afloat each month, performing gigs sometimes saved the day, and various small projects (yard work, painting, taking a friend’s kid home from school, etc.) gave me an occasional boost. I got my first credit card a few months ago and have been staying on top of the payments every month while avoiding overspending so that I don’t get into hot water. That credit card has made my financial situation better and easier in many ways, in addition to (I hope) giving me a good credit score. I even succeeded at investing more money every month than I did in 2023! That’s a huge win. The new job I started this month and the holiday gigs (one of which has already happened and several of which are happening soon) are bringing this year to a fairly soft landing, financially speaking. I hope that next year’s landing, as well as the journey, will be much softer and smoother.

  3. Be more present. Although being in the present moment was a big part of my early self-improvement journey, that has largely fallen by the wayside over the past few years. In that time, I’ve become much more absentminded, easily distracted, and likely to miss precious moments due to a lack of sufficient attention to the now. This also makes me feel frustrated and anxious more easily, in addition to making me more inclined to follow someone else’s lead in an interaction instead of staying true to myself. I hope that practicing presence will mitigate all of those negative effects and bring back some peace that has been sorely missing from my life.

    Three mixed bags in a row? Yep. There were long stretches of this year in which I was less present than in previous years. It’s hard to stay focused on the moment when I hate how the moment is going, which was the case for me during much of 2024. However, I managed to start being more present toward the end of the year as things got better. Being away from my phone for longer periods of time on certain occasions also made it easier to be present. Whenever I was fairly present, it always struck me how many others weren’t. Just as it’s hard to notice that others are wet while I’m swimming, so too is it hard to notice the lack of presence in others while I’m similarly lost in thought. Spending more time by myself and around those who can be more present than the average individual made it easier to be present than when I got almost no alone time or had to be around a lot of people who are almost never present. I did ok at being present this year and I hope to do even better next year.
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My Goals for 2025

It’s time to lay out my goals for next year. Just like I’ve done for the last few years, I’m keeping things simple again. That was essential this year, given how crazy 2024 turned out to be. I hope that 2025 will be much better. Still, I’ve got just a few goals I’d like to accomplish next year. If I get close with any of these, my life will improve tremendously; I’d like to see what will happen if I knock them all out of the park. Without further ado, here are my goals for 2025.

  1. Have more important conversations. Though these are often difficult, I dislike calling them “difficult conversations.” That often sets them up for failure or prevents them from happening altogether. Despite all the communication skills I’ve learned and all the emotional pain I’ve released that’s made those skills easier to use, I still struggle to voice my concerns, needs, and requests with those close to me. Although I believe in disconnecting from abusive humans, I don’t want disconnection to be my go-to response whenever things get uncomfortable with humans who aren’t abusive. I fear that that is what is happening. This is still uncomfortable for me to do, so I believe it will be the hardest of my goals for next year. However, it’s worth dealing with the temporary discomfort to prevent the permanent loss of my important relationships. I plan to face a lot of that discomfort next year.
  2. Thrive financially. This year, I survived financially. Next year, I want to thrive. No more working almost every day only to have the small amount of money I make disappear much faster than it comes in. No more skating the line between staying afloat and sinking. And no more having to be absurdly strategic with how I handle my finances week to week. I want to get back to where my financial situation was years ago, when I could easily go on several multiday trips a year outside of work, handle unexpected expenses without issue, and consistently save money by making much more than I spent every month while still regularly enjoying things that cost money (eating out frequently, impulse purchases, group activities at the movie theater or bowling alley, and so on). If 2025 picks up where 2024 looks as if it will leave off, then I’ll be able to do all that and more. I feel excited for it.
  3. Heal other pain. Over the last two years, I’ve been able to heal nearly all the pain around my dog Sawyer’s death. That’s remarkable to me as for over a year, I was in so much pain that I thought I would never feel any better. Since I feel much better now in that area, I want to go deeper into other painful areas, especially the original wounds that have been with me since I was a little kid. It was a pleasant surprise to find that healing the pain of Sawyer’s death also healed some other pain. Additionally, it showed me that even pain that seems unending can still be healed with enough attention over time. Now that the worst pain I’ve ever felt is mostly gone, I look forward to seeing what a year of focusing on older, deeper pain will do.
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The Importance of Accepting Responsibility

There’s a powerful scene toward the end of Monsters, Inc. After being repeatedly asked to demonstrate a proper roar, Sully reluctantly does so. However, he inadvertently scares Boo so badly that she starts crying. When he goes to comfort her, she hides and runs away while still crying. It’s not until Sully sees pictures of how he looked while roaring and how close Boo was to him at the time that he understands how much he hurt her, albeit unintentionally. While Sully didn’t mean to hurt Boo, this scene still serves as an excellent example of reconciling with someone after hurting them.

Whenever there’s an unpleasant encounter between two individuals, it’s a tossup as to how the attempt at reconciliation will go (or if there will be such an attempt at all). Some take responsibility for their behavior while others don’t. It’s also common for both of them to deny responsibility. This is the case even when it’s clear to anyone that one particular individual either contributed much more to the negativity or even caused the whole ordeal singlehandedly. The ego wants to avoid responsibility at all times and in all situations. Those who are strongly under the grip of their own ego may lack the self-awareness necessary to notice when they reject responsibility for what they’ve done, even if they reflect on it later when their emotions have settled. Sometimes they have to see or hear a recording of their behavior before they realize how bad things are and commit to doing better. Even then, not all will have that moment of realization that they need to do better, and they’ll continue behaving just as badly as they always have.

You might be able to guess where this post is going next if you’ve read similar posts from me in the past. The short version is that I want most of my interactions to be with those who take responsibility for their mistakes and eliminate (or at least minimize) my interactions with those who take no responsibility. I’ve learned the hard way that some will never come around, no matter what I do. Even when I’m feeling calm, have thought a lot about what I want to say, approach someone when they’re feeling good and aren’t otherwise occupied, and phrase my requests as civilly and politely as possible, there are some who will still react defensively, play the victim, and try to escalate what could easily be a conversation into a fight. Further, it seems as if those sorts of humans thrive on such negative engagements; I feel incredibly tired and drained afterward while they seem more alive and powerful. With these folks, there is no winning them over through kindness or beating them at their own game by stopping to their level. The only way to win is to not play the game.

I’ll add that I am willing to forgive and reconcile with those who see the error of their ways early on, own up to it, apologize, make it right, and then do better next time. This seems to be fairly common among humans. Animals, as usual, go further. My dog Sawyer always forgave me and welcomed me back whenever I messed up one of our interactions. This process took increasingly less time as we grew closer together in our friendship. However, I don’t know if Sawyer would have done this if I hadn’t shown remorse and done better moving forward. Animals that have been heavily abused often either become incredibly aggressive or seek to avoid others at all costs. As wonderful as animals are and as much as they have to teach humans about how to treat others, they still have their limits.

While I don’t want to interact with those who see fit to treat me badly and never apologize or treat me better, I still am working on being able to forgive them. My idea of forgiveness is about coming to peace within myself, regardless of what they have done in the past or will do in the future. It doesn’t mean that what they did is ok or that I have to allow them to continue doing it. It just means that they don’t owe me anything. I don’t want anyone to live rent-free in my head, especially someone who has hurt me. Their abuse was bad enough when it happened; I don’t want to keep reliving it long after we’ve stopped interacting. The small amount of work I’ve done on this as of late has been quite freeing. I look forward to seeing how much more freedom it gives me as I continue practicing it alongside spending time with my preferred human and animal friends.

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My 2024 Gratitude List

Although 2024 has been one of the hardest years of my life, I still feel grateful for some things. With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I decided to put together a gratitude list. Simply thinking about what to include has made me feel a bit better and typing it all out has helped even more. Without further ado, here are some things for which I feel grateful this year.

  1. Physical health improvements. While I still have some health issues, my overall health is far better now than it was earlier this year. I’ve mostly stuck to the healthier eating habits that made me feel much better when I had lots of internal issues in March. I’ve also gotten back into working out regularly, both to help my juggling and in the hope of fixing a new health problem that has arisen (as well as warding off future problems). I’m enjoying working out again, and I look forward to seeing what it does for both my hobbies and my health.
  2. Supportive humans. My circles have gradually gotten smaller. Even though I still know a lot of humans, I am only close with a small handful of them. I prefer that to regularly interacting with lots of people yet knowing hardly any of them beyond the surface level. My friends have gotten me through some incredibly hard seasons, and I don’t know what I’d do without them.
  3. My life situation is slowly improving. If you’ve read my posts throughout this year, then you’ll know how much of a struggle 2024 has been for me. Despite all the challenges, things are getting better. In addition to the physical health improvements I mentioned above, there have also been improvements in my finances, emotional and mental health, and close relationships. This is such a huge relief, and I hope it continues.
  4. Many animal visits. Whether it’s been at the zoo, nearby puppy store, local park, my neighborhood, friends’ houses, or randomly in other public places, I’ve gotten to pet and visit with lots of animals this year. Almost all of these visits have been pleasant, which has done a great deal to relax and heal me from the many bumps I’ve encountered in life.
  5. Lots of fond memories, pictures, and videos of my dog Sawyer. The pain around Sawyer’s death continues to go down, and the little bit that remains is much easier to handle than it was in the first year. Even though he’s not here physically anymore, I keep his memory alive by telling others about him, sharing pictures and videos, spending time by his grave each day, and thinking about the wonderful times we shared. I’ll keep doing that until the end of my time on Earth and, I hope, the start of my eternal reunion with Sawyer.
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How to Vent

I’ve talked a bit about venting in some previous posts, although I hadn’t consolidated my take on venting until now. The approach I have in mind is intended to eliminate venting whenever possible and maximize its effectiveness when it still happens. Given my experience with using it, I find it to work pretty well, and I hope you also do. Here’s my take on how to vent.

  1. Get permission before venting. It’s so easy to start venting to someone without considering how they’re feeling, what’s going on in their life, and if they’re up for hearing about your concerns. Unfortunately, this can be extremely hard on someone who is already having a hard time. It’s important to remember that those you know are human beings, not human doings, and that your words can and do have a great impact on them, especially if you’re close. Although it didn’t happen much, I still occasionally experienced the pain of being vented to while still in deep agony over my dog Sawyer’s death just a few months after it happened. That just made me feel even worse and made me want to avoid those who would rather vent to me without first getting my permission than check in to see how I was doing. My poor boundary skills and difficulty communicating effectively in the midst of that deep pain prevented me from walking away or asking for the venting to stop; those problems are much smaller for me now that the pain around Sawyer’s death is almost gone and my boundaries have improved tremendously.
  2. Focus on the emotions underneath the words. Most venting I’ve heard and done involves talking at length about a particular situation, everyone who is involved, sequences of events, who said or did what, and more. What often gets ignored are the emotions of the person who is doing the venting. Rarely do I hear anyone say that they feel _____ (frustrated, sad, horrified, etc.) in response to what happened. Since the emotions underneath the thoughts run the show, focus on those when venting instead of endless thoughts, words, and needless details.
  3. Make your reasons for venting clear. One of the most common reasons for not knowing how to help someone is that the person wanting help doesn’t say what they want and need. When you vent, are you looking for advice, a sounding board, compassion, a hug, help sorting things out, or something else? It’s hard to know how to help you if even you aren’t sure what you want and need, or if you haven’t expressed those things clearly to the person you’re hoping can help you. If you don’t make it clear, then those who are listening to you might zone out or wonder why you’re saying what you are. Before you start venting, figure out what you want and need, whether by talking it out on your own, writing it down, or anything else that makes your intentions clear.
  4. Keep it brief. Although venting sessions can sometimes go for hours, that is entirely unnecessary. This happens either when the person doing the venting isn’t feeling heard or is focusing on everything but the emotions that they feel in response to whatever situation they’re venting about. You don’t have to go into excruciating detail about everything in a particular situation once you’ve noticed how it makes you feel (angry, shocked, confused, depressed, etc.). Focusing on the emotions allows you to get to the root of the problem quickly and prevents the venting from degrading into complaining without any intention of fixing what’s wrong. It can also prevent habitual, compulsive venting to the point that it becomes the majority of how you interact with those close to you (a practice that can build up immense resentment on the parts of the listeners and result in the weakening or even total severing of relationships that become Win/Lose instead of Win/Win as you take far more than you give). If you vent longer than a few minutes to someone else and it seems like relief is still a long way away, take a break. The break might allow everything to settle into the answer you were seeking, or it may clarify things enough that another, shorter conversation puts the pieces together. Less is more with many things in life, and venting is certainly one of those things.
  5. Be careful what you say. This applies especially when you’re venting to someone about another person whom you both know. It’s incredibly awkward to be put in that kind of position and it can strain all the relationships involved. This can also easily stray into simply slamming or gossiping about the person who isn’t around to hear and respond to anything negative you’re saying about them. Worse yet, if this happens frequently, it can make the person to whom you’re venting wonder if you vent and gossip to others about them when they’re not around. To avoid all of this, there are a few options. You could think about how you’d approach this if the person you’re venting about were there and could hear everything you’d say. Another approach is to consider how you’d like someone to vent about you and how you’d feel if you later learned everything they said when you weren’t around. The best approach of all is to go straight to the person with whom you’re having an issue and work through it with that person instead of trying to work it out by delivering a one-sided soliloquy to someone who isn’t involved in the situation and can’t fix it for you.
  6. Work through your emotions before, during, and after the venting. Nobody else can do this for you, and the failure to do this will result in prolonged discomfort and the desire to vent even more, whether to the same person or to many different people. I vented about the same concern to a dozen or more people years ago, and all it did was give me temporary relief that soon gave way to the same amount of pain as I had before venting. It wasn’t until I worked through all the emotions involved in that situation that my emotions settled down, peace took the place of pain, I stopped thinking about it nonstop, and the urge to vent about it went away. Increasing your emotional intelligence in this way will make you less inclined to vent and either improve your difficult relationships or give you the courage to walk away if they’re more trouble than they’re worth.
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The Close of Another Chapter

This is going to be another emotionally heavy post. My grandmother died last month. Now that there’s been a fair amount of time since her death, I feel more comfortable talking about it and some related things that are currently happening. This post will focus mostly on what has happened since the funeral.

The funeral itself went about as well as it could have. I stayed at my grandparents’ house the night before with some other family members to save myself from a long drive the morning of the funeral. Several other family members met there the next morning before we all headed over to the funeral home. Some of us got to view my grandmother’s body quite a while before the service started. Unlike at my grandfather’s funeral back in 2017, I shed only a few tears during the service; I must have cried out enough before her funeral to feel ok that day. We then drove over to the cemetery for another brief graveside service and visited more with each other before parting ways.

Since the funeral is over, the biggest focus at this point is my grandparents’ house. They lived in that house for almost my whole life. Since they now have no more use for it, it’s being put up for sale soon. That house has been part of my life since the year after I was born. It’s like a second home to me. I practically grew up there and spent far more years going out there than I’ve lived in my current house, and their house will soon be inaccessible to me. I feel deeply upset about that.

It’s the most peaceful house I’ve ever been in. The house sits on two acres of land in a rural area, so I pass by several other large plots of land with horses and cows whenever I drive there and back. There’s plenty of space between all the houses in the neighborhood, and it’s far enough away from a main road to get pretty quiet on most occasions. I love hanging out on the back porch swing, soaking up the silence, and watching the birds going about their day. Few other experiences are so relaxing to me. I will dearly miss that tradition, along with the house, all the wonderful memories it holds, and the family members who lived there for most of my life.

There have already been some big changes to that house. In addition to my grandparents no longer living there, some things have been given away, and lots of things have been rearranged. I’ve helped a bit with that, and I hope to do more of it in the near future. Still, this situation is upsetting for me for a few reasons. One of them is that it signifies that my time at that house is drawing to a close. The bigger reason has to do with external memories. Sometimes I’ll come across an item I haven’t seen or even thought about in ages. Whenever that happens, a flood of memories always follows, and I get transported back to experiences that had long ago stopped crossing my mind. That’s why I have a hard time parting with things from my past and my room is overrun with stuff. I fear that if I lose access to the objects that unlock precious memories, I’ll also lose access to the memories themselves. I hope that doesn’t happen with the loss of that house. I’m glad I’ve gotten to see the house a few times while it was mostly the same as I remember, in addition to getting some mementos over the last few visits.

This is similar to what I dealt with after my dog Sawyer’s death. Aside from the pain of his death, there is the lingering pain of knowing that for the rest of my Earthly life, Sawyer and I will get no more walks, naps together, cuddles, playtime, good nights and good mornings, excited greetings after returning home, etc. Sometimes it still occurs to me that I’ll never get to make new memories with Sawyer or make up for lost time, and that’s always a painful punch in the gut. That’s after eleven years together. I have no idea how painful it will be when the house that has been in my life for over thirty years goes away. It already hurts to know that there’ll soon be no more holiday gatherings, birthday celebrations, or visits with my grandparents or anybody else out there.

I don’t yet know who will become the new owner of that house. I hope whoever it is will love and cherish it, keep the general layout similar to how it is now, preserve the beautiful wood floors and other lovely features, and make many wonderful memories during their time living there. I’d hate for it to get torn down, radically changed, or converted into a commercial building (though since it’s in a small, rural neighborhood with lots of elderly people living nearby, I think it’s safe from at least two of those possibilities). I’ve stayed overnight there twice recently, once this month and once last month. Both times, I cried when I was alone late at night. Going there makes the situation more real and brings up the painful emotions more easily than when I’m just thinking about it elsewhere. I thought that last month’s visit would be my last time getting to spend the night there or even see the place while it’s still in the family. Since I got to do both of those again this month, I now have no idea how many more such opportunities I’ll get. As long as I’m able, I’ll continue soaking up experiences, taking pictures and videos, getting mementos, and making new memories at that house while I still can. Soon enough, I’ll not be able to make any new memories there and will be left with only the memories I’ve already made. The close of every precious chapter of my life always hurts. It’s so hard to keep going while missing people, places, and things that go away. I hope that the close of this chapter will be as gentle on me as it can be.

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