There is a concept called the pocket veto. I’ll let that link explain it if you’re not already familiar with it. I only bring this up because it’s similar to an idea that I call the pocket no. Here’s what that entails.
It’s easiest to explain it with an example. I often get social media invitations to a variety of different events. They can be for dancing, athletics, board games, openings of new businesses, and anything else you can imagine. Most of the time, I see the invitation, decide I’m not going, and then move on with my life. I almost always avoid marking whether or not I’m going or whether or not I’m even considering going, and I rarely let whoever sent the invitation know my plans. Sooner or later, the event comes up, happens whether or not I’m there, and ends. All without my having to get involved in any way. It’s as if I received the invitation, stuck it in my pocket, and forgotten about it. Hence the pocket no.
I love the pocket no for a few reasons. First, it’s much easier to avoid responding to an invitation than it is to say no. Especially with online invitations sent out to a lot of people automatically for big events where I won’t be missed if I steer clear. Beyond that, it prevents the recipient of my no from prying in the hope of finding a reason which they can then use in an attempt to make me go. For example, I once told somebody in person that I wouldn’t be going to a certain event because I had a gig that day. The pushy host then asked what time my gig was in the hope of getting me to attend either before the gig starts or after it ends. Fortunately, I stuck to my guns and avoided his event since the real reason was that I wasn’t interested in going. Still, if I had been able to ignore the invitation altogether, I wouldn’t have been tempted to give a reason for avoiding it and would thus have entirely avoided that unwanted pressure to attend. That’s where the pocket no is most useful.
I’ve even used the pocket no in real life. One example was at a nearby mall when somebody was trying to tell me about a show I wasn’t interested in seeing and I didn’t feel like talking to anybody at the time. I simply stayed quiet, looked ahead, and kept walking. Another time, I was at Art Walk, which is a monthly pop-up event in Downtown Jacksonville with live entertainment, vendors, and other fun stuff. Some people were going around with clipboards trying to get folks to sign something. I think one of those guys was trying that on me, though I can’t be certain because he was behind me, it was loud, and I didn’t turn around to see if he was repeatedly asking for my attention or someone else’s before he eventually gave up. Either way, I didn’t have to hear about his offer, be pressured into signing anything, or deal with the awkwardness of declining. The pocket no saved the day once again!
To clarify, if someone I know invites me to a small gathering, something deeply personal like a wedding, or an event specifically for me such as my birthday party, I’ll either attend or tell whoever invited me that I won’t be going. I use the pocket no for big events where my attendance is entirely optional and won’t affect the event in any significant way. That minimizes the chances of hurting someone else’s feelings as well as me getting dragged into something I’d rather avoid.
I’ve used the pocket no countless times since my dog Sawyer died. For about a year and a half after his death, I had hardly any excess energy to go out regularly for social purposes due to grieving almost constantly. Even now that I’ve healed almost completely from that unbelievably painful experience, I still find value in the pocket no. Anything that helps me set and maintain a boundary while doing little to no explaining is wonderful. I also love finding different ways of saying no without saying no, and this is one of the easiest and most effective, and I can safely say it’s my favorite. While I didn’t create the concept of the pocket no, I might be the first person to call it by that name. If so, that’s pretty cool, and I hope it catches on as I like that name a lot. Whatever anyone calls it, I love it, it’s served me well, and I plan to keep using it whenever it’s needed.