What happens if two people have apparently conflicting ideas or plans? In many cases nowadays, the result is verbal sparring and possibly even a violent altercation. When the conflict ends, they are further apart than they were before it started, both in terms of their thinking and in terms of their relationship. This is completely unnecessary and can (and should) be replaced by a concept that I love called the Middle way.
Rather than being a compromise, middle ground, or halfway point between two undesirable positions, the Middle Way (also known as the Third Way) is more accurately described as a better, higher way than the two options that were initially offered. It entails hearing each other out, finding out everyone’s desires and needs, and then working together to find a better solution than what anybody can come up with alone.
It can be difficult to do this. After all, if I’m certain that I have the perfect solution to a particular problem, then I’d view any other solution as less than ideal. As long as my perfect solution is close to being as implementable as other, lesser solutions, then why go for anything less than perfection? That’s the trouble with thinking that I’ve got all the answers; such a mindset prevents me from learning anything by listening to other people. It’s important to keep in mind that every one of us knows something that somebody else doesn’t and if we put our heads together, we can figure out a better way than anything any one of us could come up with alone. It takes a great deal of humility, patience, and willingness to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.
Unfortunately, that is a pretty rare combination, especially in the most important decisions. What’s far more common is to see people talking past each other, fighting with each other over misunderstandings rather than clarifying them, and getting nothing done. No wonder there are so many problems in the world that remain to be solved. There are plenty of difficult problems out there but any problem becomes easier if people work together effectively to solve it rather than waste time fighting over things that ultimately don’t matter.
Stephen Covey dedicates a good bit of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to the Middle Way. He describes it as a combination of Habit 4 (Think Win/Win), Habit 5 (Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood), and Habit 6 (Synergize). Once two people have decided to seek mutually beneficial outcomes and listened to each other enough to know where they are both coming from, they can work together to find incredibly effective solutions. That was how I first learned about the Middle Way and I find it to be an incredibly helpful way to remember it. I’ve gotten better over time at implementing it thanks to practice and a desire to use it. Whenever I implement it, it’s well worth the effort and I hope to see it used with increasing frequency to make the world better, one conversation at a time.