I’ve felt more exhausted, both physically and emotionally, over the past few months than I have in a long time. During that time, I’ve also had more personal growth than anytime I can remember since last year. I’ll explain why I see the two as being connected.
The biggest source of my exhaustion is sleeping troubles. This isn’t my first foray with that issue. When I first got into mindfulness back in 2017, I had a lot of nights with little sleep. That largely cleared up once I learned how to ground myself before bed. However, late last year as well as this year, even with my best grounding techniques, I’d still often have a lot of trouble sleeping. My nights became better once I put more focus into letting go before bed of whatever was on my mind, whether it was current events or old issues.
I think there is another possible explanation for some of my hard nights. It takes a lot of energy to suppress unwanted emotions. As I let go of the deeper, more painful emotions, that frees up a huge amount of energy which I can then use for other purposes. That extra energy can make it hard to relax and fall asleep at night, especially on days in which I don’t expend much energy. Even when I manage to fall asleep, I often wake up many times during the night. As I get used to that increased energy and start putting it to good use, in addition to being more physically active during the day, my sleeping troubles largely disappear.
Since my sleep has improved, my exhaustion and anxiety have both lessened tremendously. Part of my current anxiety comes from knowing what my next steps are going to entail. Common concerns such as fear of failure and wondering if I’ll be able to accomplish my goals are often in the back of my mind. In addition to letting go, I find it helpful to envision how my plans are going to help people live better lives. That also reminds me how I’ve been guided each step along the way and how I’ll continue to receive such guidance as things get more and more real.
Exhaustion isn’t entirely negative, though. One beneficial aspect of feeling exhausted is how it forces me to spend more time in solitude. I get enough social interactions from my job and an occasional event with friends to feel satisfied in that department. However, as I can still get drained from prolonged social activity, the last thing I want to do after sleeping horribly and going to work is hang out with anyone. That gives me time to work on myself, write, plan my next steps, and recharge so that I’ll be ready for whatever comes my way. I think that I’m learning how to avoid giving my energy away to people or things that I’d rather avoid and I’m sure that’s going to help me a lot going forward.
In addition to all of the above, I felt better last week after I got in touch with a friend who has relevant experience with some aspects of my big plans. That conversation gave me some encouragement as well as guidance for my next step in turning my vision into reality. Now I feel much more calm and I look forward to seeing where I go next. The path of growth may be bumpy much of the time but it becomes a lot more fun as I learn to enjoy the bumps. That perspective is going to serve me well as I keep moving forward, one bump at a time.