I’ve never been a fan of small talk. At best, it’s a harmless way to pass the time. At worst, it’s draining and completely uninspiring. I prefer talking to people I know well since that typically minimizes small talk and opens up more opportunities for engaging conversations. However, I have found some life hacks that have helped me navigate small talk and get something positive out of it when it comes up.
In How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing with People, Les Giblin describes small talk as a way to break the ice and move onto more meaningful subjects. I had never thought about it that way before but it makes sense to me, especially when I’m talking to someone I just met. It takes me a while to open up to other people, so easing into that process with small talk helps. I’ve also found it helpful to use something I learned from a few acting classes I took years ago. There is a technique in improvisation called “Yes, and…” in which one participant agrees with what another has said and adds to it. That keeps the scene going smoothly and creates plenty of options for all participants to contribute. Clearly, I don’t always agree with what someone says in a regular conversation, but I can still expound on what they’ve said, share my thoughts about our current topic, or respond with more than just a simple answer.
As I hinted at in the first paragraph, I generally try to avoid talking to people who primarily converse in small talk. In such conversations, I feel little to no connection with the other person, often feel uncomfortable, and don’t know what to say or do after the first few minutes (sometimes even sooner than that in some situations). This is a big part of why I tend to avoid social settings when I don’t already know at least one person there. If someone I know introduces me to another person and then walks away, I often feel lost when talking to the new person. This feeling becomes exacerbated if they start asking what I do for work, where I live, or other questions that I find totally uninteresting and make me want to disengage. Sometimes I do disengage and walk away, but other times I’ll try to try to save the conversation. On those occasions, I’ll try shifting to other subjects, such as what they like to do for fun. That takes a lot of pressure off me, puts the spotlight on them, and moves us into an area of conversation where, in my experience, both of us will be happier.
All of these things have made it easier for me to avoid a lot of small talk and handle it well when I can’t avoid it. As with everything else, having a plan in mind helps me deal with whatever happens, especially in situations that are highly predictable. This makes my conversations more interesting and enjoyable, which makes me feel more at ease in my close encounters of the social kind. If you also detest small talk, then I hope you also find these life hacks useful for avoiding it entirely or moving past it as quickly as possible.