Downsides of Being Quiet

Posted on August 23, 2023 by admin

Being the quiet one is not all it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes it’s downright awful. On many occasions, my dog Sawyer was the only one in my life who treated me with quiet kindness and respected what I needed at any given moment. Without him, everything has become much more difficult, especially as many humans have gotten worse since he died. I keep mostly to myself at this point because it’s so hard to find any human who will interact with me in ways I like and because it’s so easy to find many who will make me feel bad. Here are some issues I’ve dealt with, whether they were only in the past or are still ongoing.

  1. Finding out everything I don’t want to know. I don’t know why, but acquaintances and strangers alike have shared some incredibly personal things with me, sometimes within minutes of our first meeting. There have been a lot of long monologues about things they hate, intimate details about major health problems (often shared while I’m eating, which can easily make me lose my appetite), everything they hate about me, and private information about others who aren’t around to defend themselves or at least hear what’s being said about them behind their backs. It’s amazing how many people will say anything and everything that pops into their head, with no apparent regard for the effect it has on anyone else or if anyone else wants to hear it.
  2. Hardly getting a chance to speak. I’ve lost track of how many times someone has rambled on endlessly while I had countless things to say building up inside me, and, when I finally got a turn, I barely got 10 seconds in before someone who had just talked for anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour or longer cut me off and started rambling again. On a similar note, someone I was once close to, who routinely took 5 minutes to tell a 30 second story, said to me “Long story short” after I took 30 seconds to tell a 30 second story, as if I had wasted huge swaths of her time. Sometimes I say “Yeah” to show agreement with what someone has just said before I say what I’m thinking but then they start talking again before I can say anything I had planned to say. It’s rare that anyone asks for my thoughts in casual conversation since they’re used to me saying little and seem to think that I never have much to say. In reality, I have a lot to say when discussing subjects I find meaningful, but it almost always takes me some time to organize my thoughts. However, I rarely get to contribute much to those conversations since the other person almost always starts talking during a quiet pause, either before I’ve got my words straight or right as soon as I’m ready to speak. They’re more interested in filling me up with all of their opinions on everything under the sun and sometimes using me as an involuntary, unpaid therapist than getting a glimpse into how I see the world.
  3. Tons of negative assumptions from others. They might think I’m interested in what they’re saying because I’m not interrupting, changing the subject, or disagreeing, so they talk at length about things I don’t care at all about because I lack the courage to speak up. This, in conjunction with the previous point, is where some get the idea that I’m a good listener. I might be better at listening now than I once was, but that doesn’t mean I want to do nothing but listen in a conversation. They also tend to assume that I don’t care about something if I don’t have a huge, immediate visual reaction to it (even when I do care but just need time to process what was said before responding), or that I dislike them if we’ve just met when I’m actually just on edge around most new folks I meet. The assumption I hate the most is that I’m implying something bad by asking a simple question. I don’t hide insults or judgments inside questions that sound innocuous but are actually devious. When I ask a question, I’m asking that question, nothing more. I often feel flabbergasted at how much someone can assume I’m implying with what I say. That always suggests to me that they’ve got self-image and pride problems to sort through. If I meet someone and we get to know each other over several interactions, they’ll gradually see how I truly am. However, if we only ever interact once, they may walk away thinking I’m awful, empty inside, or something else negative.
  4. So much pressure to conform. So many people try to get me to speak at their pace rather than mine and pressure me to respond immediately to questions that require deep thought (folks want 10 second answers to questions that would take minutes to properly answer). This applies to other conversational aspects as well. If someone asks, “What do you do?” and I start talking about my hobbies, they almost always interrupt and say “No, I mean what do you do for work?” This shows that they have no interest in what I enjoy doing in my free time, no concern for anything other than the specific information they’re seeking, and also no respect for me by interrupting me while I’m still talking. Some people don’t stop interrupting me even when I continue speaking or say “Hang on”, and others don’t give me room to speak at length even when I literally ask for it. I long for conversations that make everyone involved better off, not ones that make some better off and others worse off. Yet so often, I’ve ended up interacting with someone who seems interested solely in what they can get out of the conversation, not in how the conversation can benefit us both.
  5. There’s little to no space to just be. If nature abhors a vacuum, then humans abhor it more. When I swing dance at the Volstead, I like to sit out during the last song and watch everyone dancing while thinking about Sawyer. Often, somebody will see me sitting by myself, come over, and start up small talk with me. I usually go along with it but sometimes I’ll say something along the lines of “We’ll talk after the song ends.” Similarly, if I’m enjoying a quiet pause in a conversation and have nothing to say, it’s almost impossible to find someone who will also enjoy the pause. Most will say something just to fill a silence that is uncomfortable for them, and they’ll pressure me to respond even when I can think of literally nothing to say. This has only gotten worse the more I’ve gotten into my mindfulness and presence practices.
  6. Hardly ever taken seriously. Few people seem to be interested in listening to what the “man of few words” has to say when he does speak. I’ll often tell someone the same thing on multiple occasions (the correct name of a juggling move, that I *do* enjoy reading fiction, etc.) and they either don’t bother to remember it or they don’t believe me. This is especially the case with controversial subjects, in which they often immediately dismiss what I’ve said without asking any questions to get more information or simply giving it a moment’s thought. Other times I’ll provide a solution to a problem, get ignored, and then (sometimes) later get credit for it, although that never seems to enhance anyone’s trust of me in future situations. On a handful of occasions when attempting to understand what someone else was saying, I put it into my own words and asked if that’s correct. They said “No”, and then repeated verbatim what I said. I usually don’t say much in those cases, but, when I’ve felt extra frustrated, I’ve said, “That’s what I said” or “That’s what I just said.” I don’t understand how I can put so much effort into being clear yet so often be misunderstood.
  7. I get almost nothing to myself. So many folks make everything I say about them. It’s incredibly rare that someone will strive to understand how I’m feeling instead of saying “I know what you mean. I feel the same way because of…” This irks me because I’m still dealing with deep pain from a young age of bringing up a concern, someone taking offense, and making it all about them while ignoring what I was feeling, wanting, and needing, usually while also punishing me in some way. Additionally, when I express upset over how someone is treating me, whoever I’m talking to seems more interested in assuming how that person might be feeling and what their motivations might be than in asking me how I’m feeling about it. They’re trying to identify some of the emotions involved, but not mine. That makes me think that they don’t care how I feel, and it’s one reason I tend to keep to myself when I feel bad (the main reason being that I’ve gotten good enough at working through my emotions that I don’t need to seek out others to do this).

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Who Do You Trust?

Posted on August 16, 2023 by admin

I’ve been thinking a lot about trust lately, particularly the issue of knowing who to trust when it comes to information. So much of what I believed growing up has turned out to either be false or at least outdated. I often wonder how much of the information floating around as well as the information I now believe is similarly incorrect. Let’s explore this, shall we?

How can anyone know whether or not someone who claims to be an expert in a given field is speaking the truth unless one is also an expert? In some cases, there is the possibility of testing that person’s claims. Anything that one can try out in one’s own life can be tested to see if what is being said holds any water. When that’s not possible, the only options I see are to either believe the person or disregard what they’re saying.

Blindly believing anyone is incredibly risky. There are legions of skilled persuaders and manipulators in almost every large organization who routinely distort the truth for their own benefits. It’s hard to trust what someone says when they’re getting paid to promote it. When someone isn’t getting paid or rewarded in another way for promoting something, then it’s easier to believe they’re telling the truth. It’s even easier to believe they’re telling the truth if they’re risking their jobs, their friendships, and even their lives to put this information out there. It takes no effort to go along with what is popularly believed, so someone who deliberately swims against the tide of popular opinion demonstrates that their commitment to the truth is larger than their fear of nonconformity.

Further, among the many logical fallacies, there is one called “appeal to authority”. This involves believing that what someone says must be correct solely because of that person’s position or status. The reason appeal to authority fails is because everybody is incorrect at least some of the time and nobody has a monopoly on truth. If something is correct, then it doesn’t matter who says it. If something is incorrect, then it doesn’t matter who says it. The accuracy or lack thereof of the information is all that matters, not the source of that information.

Honest mistakes are another problem. When someone makes a mistake and it’s brought to their attention, watch how they proceed. If they apologize, own up to it, correct it as best as they can, and strive to avoid making mistakes in the future, all is well. Although there may still be harm from their mistake, their response shows that it was unintentional and that they are committed to doing better moving forward. However, if they react defensively, deny that they made a mistake, attempt to justify it, or attack whoever points out the mistake, that shows that they are untrustworthy due to being more committed to protecting their egos than getting things right.

Anyone who’s done a deep dive into multiple subjects knows how easy it is to find conflicting information on any issue. This can also easily be seen in any online fight in which participants share links that support their own points and oppose each other’s. Someone who is dedicated can find a way to make any viewpoint appear correct. This can even happen subconsciously since everyone tends to gravitate towards information that supports their predetermined conclusions and ignore information that contradicts their beliefs. How do you objectively decide which information is trustworthy and which is not, especially when you can’t see behind the scenes to verify everything you’re being told?

I love things that anyone can verify through their own experience. When I did a PowerPoint Night presentation earlier this year on the present moment, I led a short guided meditation toward the end. Those who followed along felt calmer afterward. That did more to show them the value of meditation, mindfulness, and being in the present moment than any book, article, video, or other resource for them to analyze ever could. I’m sure that it was also more effective than the presentation itself, which, while brief, was much longer than the meditation. By seeing firsthand that this works, they don’t need to take anyone’s word for it, including my own.

For another example of experiential verification, I’ve heard repeatedly that static stretching (putting a muscle into a stretched position and holding it still for a certain length of time) does nothing beneficial. Yet my own experience with stretching my lower body this way is that it reduces pain in my lower back, makes it easier for me to stand up straight, increases my comfortable range of motion, and makes me feel calmer in general life. Stretching my wrists has also been crucial both to prevent overuse injuries in juggling and to recover when I’ve overdone it. Every time I’ve gone without stretching for months on end, all of those benefits go away; they come back a while after I’ve resumed a good stretching routine. Since static stretching has been so beneficial to me, I’ll continue doing it regardless of what anyone else thinks about its effectiveness.

Even my dog Sawyer verified things by personal experience. If we were hanging out by ourselves and he thought someone else had come home, he’d bark and run over to the door to the garage. Only after I showed him that nobody was in the garage did he know it was just us at home and settle down. I figure doing that for him improved my ability to do similarly with humans. That sums up my current thinking on this subject: verifying things for myself where I can and not fully taking anyone’s word on anything I can’t independently verify. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I’m ok with that since learning to trust myself has been an important part of my healing journey, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Humans Are Strange

Posted on August 9, 2023 by admin

Humans are strange and unpredictable. I could leave it at that, but, as usual, I have lots more to say. Here we go.

So many humans bring drama, hostility, and other kinds of extreme negativity into a situation out of nowhere. As soon as their pride is even lightly scratched, they’ll respond aggressively to anything they see as a threat to their identity, regardless of whether that threat is real or imaginary (it’s imaginary far more often than not). I’ve been randomly accused of ignoring others, laughing at them, thinking they’re drunk when they clearly weren’t, not caring about them, etc. Some accusations are downright unbelievable, such as the drunk one, but they all arise from fear. All it takes is a small amount of fear to distort one’s perception of reality to the point that the most impossible scenario seems to be occurring.

It gets worse. Some humans spend much of their time figuring out how to scam, con, swindle, and otherwise manipulate others into doing their bidding (at times even resorting to violence). Sometimes they even do this for a job. They can do it by themselves or alongside others. Those who both lack the ability to feel bad about doing this and also don’t fear the consequences of getting caught will do it no matter what happens to them as a result; others may feel bad and fear getting caught but still do it any way. Either way, they intentionally make the lives of others worse so that their own life gets a little better.

How do you tell who will treat you well and who will use you for their own selfish ends? Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick way to do so in most cases. It takes time to find out who actually cares about you and who has no real regard for your wellbeing. Some keep a low profile for years before gradually revealing their true colors. By then, it starts becoming clear that they’ve done a lot of harm to you over the course of your interactions, and it can also skew your perception of yourself. When this happens, it often results in good people thinking they’re horrible monsters and horrible monsters thinking they’re good people.

It’s taken me years to fully realize the worst part of all the abuse and trauma I’ve endured. The worst part isn’t how I was hurt in the past, it’s how that pain has continued to haunt me into the present and negatively shapes my view of the future. Since I’ve repeatedly experienced betrayal from those who’ve gotten close to me, I subconsciously expect that to continue throughout the rest of my life. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, whether by learning how someone I thought was a friend is essentially a complete stranger or by seeing the gradual removal of a friendly front that reveals someone’s true abusive face. That’s why I often feel stressed and scared even around some of my closest friends. I never know what will set someone off and put me at ground zero of the full force of the massive ego that lurks just under the surface of most humans. It’s like being around a bunch of Bruce Banners while hoping desperately that they don’t Hulk out and destroy me.

Adding to this fear is a major shift in how humans interact with each other. For much of the twentieth century, emotional suppression was both the expectation and the norm. That has changed over the past few decades. It seems increasingly common for humans to act less as sentient beings and more as opinion machines. In addition to having opinions on seemingly everything, they also appear to feel compelled to share those opinions everywhere. They often do this in an angry way, especially if whoever they’re talking to has a different opinion on a sensitive topic. An alternative approach involving managing emotions in a healthy way without hurting oneself or anyone else still seems to be practically nonexistent.

Around animals, I either feel excited or at peace. They give at least as good as they get when it comes to love, and they often give more love than they receive. Animals bring out the best in me and make me feel safe enough to be my true self with them. No animal has ever traumatized me, condemned me, or made me regret our time together. In contrast, many humans have done all of those, especially the ones who learned of my vulnerabilities and then intentionally pressed them, whether to make me do what they wanted or to hurt me for no clear reason. So many humans have an ulterior motive behind their interactions with others: making money, looking down on someone else in order to feel better about themselves, putting the responsibility of managing their own emotions onto someone else so they don’t have to do it, causing others pain because it brings them pleasure, etc. Anyone who does one or more of those doesn’t value other humans as human beings, they value others as human doings. Once someone is no longer capable of giving that kind of person what they want, they cease to be valuable in that person’s eyes. It takes a long time to get to know someone well enough to tell if they have one or more dark ulterior motives. By then, so much harm has been done, harm that might take a lifetime to heal.

Abused animals often act skittish when an unfamiliar human approaches. I met two dogs at someone’s house in Arizona a few years ago. One was a big, sweet dog who plopped down on my lap while I sat on the couch. The other had been abused at a previous home and mostly avoided me, although he did sit on the other end of the same couch I was on for a bit. Similarly, I often close up around humans I don’t know and may leave an event early if there are few to no folks I already know there. It can take many interactions with someone before I feel safe enough to open up. That process can be expedited if I’m around someone who shows vulnerability early on and avoids condemning or shaming me for what I reveal about myself. Having small gatherings in which I already know one or more people and am only meeting one or two new people also allows me to feel comfortable more quickly around new folks. Despite all of that, I still feel far more comfortable around animals I’ve never met than humans who are among my closest friends.

My trust in humans is quite low overall, though it does ebb and flow based on my mood. Fear does more than anything else to determine how I feel around others and how much I trust them. I have less fear when my parasympathetic nervous system is in control and more fear when my sympathetic nervous system takes over. Still, I don’t know if I’ll get back to the same level of high trust and low fear that I had before the final few months of 2021, or before my dog Sawyer died in the first few months of 2022. Losing him was such a huge blow for many reasons, one of them being my complete trust in him as he always had my back. Another reason was that he was always there for me even when I ended up in some incredibly bad situations. Without him, I have lost a huge advocate for my health, especially my emotional and mental health. I’m still working through the pain of losing him and having to live without him. As I do, I find my fear going way down and my courage coming way up. I hope that continues happening as I keep working through this and other kinds of pain. I’ll find out sooner or later.

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My Take on Rules

Posted on August 2, 2023 by admin

Although I do my best to avoid identifying with anything outside of myself, I still feel drawn to the Chaotic Good alignment. Whether fictional characters or real humans, I’ve always loved those who do the right thing even (or especially) if it requires breaking the rules. Fictional characters who do this are nearly universally celebrated and recognized as heroes by real humans. In real life, however, someone who puts morality above rules usually isn’t lauded for it until after they die (and it doesn’t always happen even then). The expectation to follow all the rules, no matter what, is so strong that those who break the rules to do what’s right are often considered to be worse than those who do what’s wrong by following the rules.

The notion that all rules must be followed, and the accompanying notion that the only legitimate way to avoid following a rule is if it gets removed, are both so odd to me. I don’t understand them at all. Beyond the trouble of knowing what all the rules are in any given area of life, it’s also strange to me to follow rules that exist for no good reason (such as rules at a workplace that make it all but impossible to do one’s job). If there’s a good reason behind a rule, I’ll most likely follow it. If there isn’t a good reason, I may or may not follow it. And if there’s either a bad reason behind a rule or following that rule will cause trouble, I’ll most likely break it.

Some rules may always be good. Other rules may only be good in certain situations; when the situation changes, so must those rules. If the rules don’t change to match the situation, then all kinds of bad things can happen. There are countless examples of trouble that occurred from following bad rules to the letter, whether those rules were outdated or were never any good in the first place. Some will even die or kill to uphold rules that don’t benefit themselves or anyone else. That’s the opposite of how it should be: humans aren’t supposed to serve rules, rules are supposed to serve humans. Many of those who brought about some of the worst atrocities in history were “just following orders”, “just doing their jobs”, or something else along those lines. Whatever the excuse, the damage they’ve done remains. If nobody followed awful rules that “required” them to hurt their fellow humans, then those rules and all who create them would be powerless to cause any harm.

Experimenting with breaking rules often shows me which ones are worth following and which ones aren’t. At all of my jobs, I started off doing things as I was trained to do them. In time, though, I gradually discovered better ways of doing many things. These new ways often allowed me to get things done both more effectively and more efficiently. Whenever the new methods didn’t work as well as the old methods, I went back to the old. At least experimenting showed me when to diverge from the established systems and when to abide by them, which is something I wouldn’t have gotten if I had never taken a chance.

This flexibility applies to my self-care. I take stock of how I’m feeling on any given day and what that day has in store for me to know what to do, in what order, and when. There are some things I do every day, but I often vary the order and the intensity to match what each day demands from me. I’ll do a lot on easy days and very little on extremely busy days or recovery days (such as this past Monday, which I mostly dedicated to recovering from a full weekend of juggling, martial arts, magic, and dancing). This allows me to still feel satisfied and make progress while giving myself time to rest and recover from whatever life throws at me. This is so much nicer than trying to stick to exactly the same routine every day no matter how bad I feel.

The more relaxed approach I’ve developed with regard to my routines dovetails nicely with a video I once saw. The guy in the video said, “Don’t be too hard on yourself if you didn’t do the thing today. Go to bed, and when you wake up tomorrow, it’ll be today again, and there’s another chance to do it.” I often remind myself of that during busy, stressful, or otherwise challenging days. Sometimes I’ll do a barebones version of my routine just to say I did it and stay in the habit, but I’ve gotten good at knowing when to stick to that instead of pushing to do everything I do on a good day.

Something I’ve found incredibly useful is focusing on a handful of rules that cover a lot of ground. A few rules cover emotional intelligence, others apply to communication, and some are reserved for how I relate to myself, both around others and when I’m alone. That’s much easier than attempting to follow dozens of individual rules, an approach that has always given me subpar results.

Losing my dog Sawyer last year threw literally everything off track for me. Things I had done nearly every day for years suddenly stopped, and other things I had never done before started up right away to help me navigate the deep grief, sorrow, anxiety, and other painful feelings that arose. Sawyer’s death forced me to adjust my entire life. Thank goodness I somehow managed to do that and use it to heal. That wouldn’t have happened if I had tried to hold onto the old and reject the new.

It’s been incredibly freeing to loosen my relationship to rules. I used to be so tightly bound by my own rules that I could barely do anything. Occasionally I go a bit overboard at this point. Part of that is overcorrection from past rigidness, part of it is figuring this stuff out by doing, and part of it is being human. As long as I don’t go too far overboard, I’m fine with going a bit over the line at times as I strive for a balance between following good rules and ignoring bad rules.

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Static and Dynamic Art

Posted on July 26, 2023 by admin

For a few years now, I’ve noticed that art can be put into two broad categories: static and dynamic. Static art is anything that exists fully on its own once it is finished, such as a painting or a sculpture. Dynamic art requires someone to continually create it, such as a dance or a song.

Neither type of art is better than the other. Both can be beautiful, and they both have their own unique features. Static art is the final physical expression (or at least the closest physical representation) of what the artist had in mind. While other artists may make their own versions, the original remains long after the artist dies. Dynamic art, in contrast, is ephemeral. Musicians all over the world can play a particular piece of music, and, even if they’re all going off of the original composer’s notes, each one will produce a slightly different version. The “original” performance is lost to time; even if it was recorded, that is still a copy of the original, and listening to the playback is quite a different experience than witnessing the original live performance. Also, nobody can ask a deceased painter about his masterpiece, while anyone can talk to a juggler about what’s going on inside him when he juggles and even influence how he juggles by interacting with him. Those features give dynamic art a much greater degree of fluidity and audience interaction than static art could ever have.

Since most of what I’ve done falls under the category of dynamic art, I’m more drawn to that type. I love seeing others do things I can do, whether they do them differently than me or, especially, at a higher level. While I do enjoy experiencing static art, I sometimes enjoy the creative part of it even more than the finished piece. It’s fascinating to watch someone draw, paint, sculpt, and otherwise bring something into being. Something as simple as watching the words appear at the end of a pen when I write has long been intriguing to me. There’s something intriguing about the fact that static art can be completed while dynamic art can never be.

Most museums I’ve been to mainly feature static art. At street fairs, renaissance festivals, and arts markets, dynamic art is the primary attraction. However, both types can also exist in the same place. A museum may have a short film that talks about a particular artist or style of art, and arts markets often have paintings for sale near performers. It’s always nice when the two complement each other.

Pictures and videos make dynamic art more enduring than it once was. I’m so glad for this as it’s allowed me to remember my dog Sawyer more accurately than I otherwise could. I consider him to be both static and dynamic art: he looked cute in static ways by sitting or lying still, and he looked cute in dynamic ways by running around, playing, jumping, and rolling on the ground. I love that his legacy is preserved in both forms. Similarly, I love that I can watch many videos from incredible musicians, jugglers, dancers, singers, and other talented performers of dynamic art who died long before I was born. Although we never walked the Earth at the same time, I can still enjoy their incredible gifts through modern technology alongside the works of past talented painters, sculptors, drawers, furniture makers, and other creators of static art.

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The Value of Variety

Posted on July 19, 2023 by admin

It’s always fascinating to watch someone who has dedicated a lifetime to one major pursuit. I’ve seen some incredible things from those who’ve given juggling, strength sports, magic, or any other activity the lion’s share of their effort. However, as much as I enjoy watching what they can do, that isn’t my style.

Rather than focus all my efforts on one thing, I prefer to give a bit of my attention to a variety of things I enjoy. My loved ones are high in priority on my list, as are my main hobbies of juggling, unicycling, swing dancing, and card tricks. Some interests, such as Rubik’s Cubing and martial arts, are lower down on the list, although they have been higher up in the past as my list changes from time to time.

Some think that they have to make something their number one priority in order to become the best in the world at it. Even if that’s true, it doesn’t apply to me since I don’t want to be the best in the world at anything. I enjoy learning things for fun. I also enjoy sharing them with others, seeing the overlap between different activities, playing, watching myself improve, and using my experiences from learning one thing to help me learn another thing. Plus, it’s wonderful to get into an activity, listen to others gush over it with each other, and talk with them as a fellow enthusiast once I’ve learned enough about it. Since I have several hobbies, I can do this with far more people than if I only had one. All of that is more important to me than besting anyone, let alone everyone, at anything.

In some cases, the idea of getting famous for being one of the best at something makes some people dedicate their whole lives to it. However, becoming one of the most skilled persons at a particular activity is no guarantee of getting famous. Sometimes moderately skilled people become much more famous than those who are among the best in the world. With any kind of performance, a moderately skilled yet highly entertaining person is much more likely to become a household name than a highly skilled yet moderately entertaining person. None of this is a concern for me since I enjoy living a simple and private life to the point that I don’t want to be famous.

There is also the issue of making an activity one’s entire identity. If someone who does that ever becomes unable to participate in that activity, it can send them into an existential crisis from which they may never recover. In some cases, folks have taken their own lives when they couldn’t separate their identity from what they once did. Pursuing multiple interests makes me much less likely to identify with any of them, and it also gives me other things to do if I ever stop doing one of them, so those dangers are minimized.

I’d rather have a little bit of several wonderful things than a lot of one thing and little to none of anything else. My whole approach to this can be summed up by the phrase “Jack of all trades, master of none, but oftentimes better than master of one”. This came in handy during a gig shortly before last Christmas. I had only planned on juggling during the show. However, in addition to juggling, I was also asked to dance during a few of the numbers. I gladly did, first with someone I’ve regularly danced with since 2017 and later with a member of the audience. The fact that I could both juggle as planned and dance on short notice that night delighted me. I’m far from alone when it comes to having multiple talents since almost everyone I’ve met through swing dancing has at least one other hobby outside of dancing. A handful of us have enough hobbies that we could put on a variety show that features around a dozen different acts. I love that.

As much as I enjoy watching folks who’ve put everything they have into a chosen activity, hearing them talk about what that has cost them puts it all into perspective. Some put everything that doesn’t get them closer to reaching their goals on the back burner. Later on, they lament the damage it’s done to their bodies, the reduced quality of life they will have for the rest of their days, and, especially, the time they have lost with their loved ones, some of whom have since died or become estranged. The point about loved ones in particular always reminds me that I want a healthy balance in my own life. I’d take that any day over going all in on one thing to the detriment of everything else and the regrets that I know would follow.

Although I spent a lot of time with my dog Sawyer during his life, I could have spent even more time with him if I’d arranged my priorities differently. Sometimes he’d come knock on my door in the morning. I’d usually let him in but not always. On several occasions, I told him to come back after I’d finished writing, meditating, doing breathwork, or whatever else I was doing at that time. Toward the end of his life, and especially after he died, I wished I’d let him in every time he knocked and resumed my previous activity after our visit was finished. Similarly, I wished I’d taken him on many more walks and focused more on the present moment when we were hanging out. As guilty as I still feel for all of that, I’m certain I’d feel much greater guilt if I’d spent hardly any time with him due to focusing almost exclusively on one main activity.

Perhaps the only thing stopping me from pursuing one thing at the expense of everything else is the boredom I feel after spending too much time on any given subject. Even when something becomes my main focus, it never stays that way for long. Since I’ve become much more thoughtful and intentional with all of this, I’ve gotten even better at balancing a variety of activities without any one of them taking over my life. I’m glad that, overall, I’ve gotten here fairly easily; even the lessons I learned the hard way still weren’t nearly as hard as they could have been. I hope that I’ll get even better at maintaining a proper balance of everything that’s important to me as I go through life.

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Decisions and Consequences

Posted on July 12, 2023 by admin

The book Boundaries talks a lot about consequences. One of the points it makes that has stuck with me for several years now is that when you prevent someone from receiving their natural consequences, those consequences instead fall onto you. I’ve seen that play out repeatedly in my life.

Consequences can sometimes be good. In those cases, it’s easy to let others receive them. When the consequences are bad, however, it’s tempting to intervene and attempt to “save” others from the natural outcomes of their decisions. Something that helps me remember the importance of doing this is how I’ve seen firsthand that those who don’t learn their lessons keep repeating them. I have plenty of examples of this.

A good example originates from one of my past jobs which involved a lot of cleaning. I’d often go in for my shift to find that whoever worked the previous shift had done little to no cleaning during that time. In most cases, instead of asking the person to work on it before clocking out, I’d jump right in and do it all myself. That sent the message to everyone else that they didn’t have to pull their own weight because I’d pick up all the slack. In addition to making my job more difficult, that also meant the place ran much less smoothly whenever I had time away. This hardly ever changed, regardless of how much I talked about this with my coworkers and employers individually or at team meetings. Even those in charge would still often leave large amounts of work for others. The only times I recall any of that changing were whenever anyone had to experience the full consequences of either failing to do their job or making a horrible decision. In those cases, they learned a lesson, shaped up, and did better moving forward by avoiding those bad decisions.

Unfortunately, not everyone learns. Some folks get caught up making one bad decision after another. Even when the decisions they make are obviously going to turn out badly, they go ahead with them anyway. Only once they’ve hit rock bottom do they fully realize that, without major help from others, they are unable to make good decisions. Unfortunately, as happens with hitting rock bottom, this realization only occurs after doing major harm to themselves and, in most cases, several of their loved ones.

For the kinds of decisions that almost always go well and hardly ever go wrong, it’s understandable when something unexpected makes it go badly. This happens to nearly everyone at some point and is no cause for alarm. However, with the kinds of decisions that almost always go wrong and hardly ever go well, it’s to be expected when something goes badly. Anyone caught off guard by a series of bad decisions that each turn out to have dire consequences is often the only one who didn’t see it coming.

To almost anyone looking in, it can be baffling as to how those consistently making bad decisions could think that they’ll turn out well, especially when they want to do things that are mostly painful and have little to no reward. Someone I once knew had gotten out of an awful situation after being in it for almost two years. Upon hearing that person’s plans to finalize the exit, I immediately sensed that it would turn out badly. My warnings were ignored, and the person ended up right back in the exact same situation. Even after pointing out how I had correctly warned them, they remained in that bad situation for just under six more months. This taught me the powerful lesson that I can only do so much to save someone from themselves.

It only takes a small amount of consistent movement in a particular direction to eventually end up living either a wonderful life or a miserable life. Those who start making small decisions to do things they know are bad and keep doing that each day soon wake up to a mess, while those who take small steps each day toward a better life will quickly see everything falling into place. Get the small things right and the big things will take care of themselves; mess up the small things and the big things will fall apart.

One bad decision in the right place can snowball into such a huge mess that it creates a lower quality of life for the rest of that individual’s days on Earth. Similarly, one good decision in the right place can lead to an incredible life. Because making one good decision can also prevent having to make many other decisions, and because it’s much easier to make one good decision than many good decisions, deciding wisely in key areas will pay off massively in the long run.

It’s best to be around those who make decisions that are overwhelmingly likely to end well and avoid those who make decisions that are overwhelmingly likely to end badly. I’ve learned that the hard way after getting dragged through seemingly endless drama by those who keep making bad decisions, especially when they’re deciding to do things that are all but guaranteed to turn out badly. Only after getting away from them has my life become steady and peaceful. At this point, when I do hit the occasional pothole in life, it’s small and easy to handle. I’ll gladly take that over the hugely problematic situations I kept finding myself in thanks to the various drama queens and kings I’ve known.

I no longer dig myself into a deep hole in the hope of getting someone out of the hole they dug themselves into. Losing my dog Sawyer last year immediately put everything else in my life on hold and forced me to put healing the pain of his death as my number one priority. More than a year later, that pain has gone down tremendously. However, I haven’t forgotten the lessons I learned both before and during 2022 about being extremely careful who I trust and even more careful with who I let in my inner circle. I might occasionally cross paths with those who consistently make bad decisions, but I no longer call anyone like that a friend or let them influence me. I’m blessed to be close to a lot of people who are consistently making good decisions. That, in addition to all the other positive changes I’ve made over the past five years, gives me hope.

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Stories and Interruptions

Posted on July 5, 2023 by admin

From what I’ve seen, it’s getting harder and harder to find good storytelling. This is not caused by a lack of good storytellers. There are plenty of excellent storytellers who can keep others engaged for hours with all kinds of fascinating, gripping, and entertaining stories. The best storytellers can even hold attention with stories that aren’t that interesting; their delivery is what makes those stories enjoyable. Unfortunately, it’s becoming more difficult for those skilled storytellers to shine because there are increasingly fewer people who are good at listening to the stories.

Interruptions are the primary symptom. It seems almost universal nowadays for humans to cut in whenever there’s a pause, whether it’s a pause for dramatic effect or to catch one’s breath before continuing. They’ll also interrupt to ask questions that are meant to be answered throughout the course of the story, hurry along the storyteller instead of listening patiently, focus exclusively on one particular part of the story instead of absorbing all of it, and finish the speaker’s sentences when they think they know the outcome.

I think the source of this issue is a lack of presence. Rather than being present with what’s happening around them, it seems almost everyone is always focused on where they think the story is going, the questions they want to ask, advice they want to give, what they did yesterday, what they’ll do tomorrow, and so on. The part I find strange about this is that many of these folks will also read long, dense book series and avoid spoilers at all costs so they don’t learn early on about information that’s revealed much later in the stories. Despite this, they seem either unable or unwilling to wait a few minutes to hear the outcome of a story without trying to jump ahead, ask questions every time there’s a pause, or start telling a different story of their own. That dissonance is so strange to me.

Frequently, I’ll keep talking after someone interrupts me. This sometimes results in the other person quieting down once they realize I still have something to say. On many occasions, however, the other person has continued talking over me. If I stopped talking at that point, as I used to do nearly every time this occurred, they’d carry on as if nothing had happened. Whenever I’ve continued talking through their interruption and they continue interrupting, both of us can talk simultaneously for anywhere from 15-30 seconds. I can’t understand anything they say and I doubt they understand anything I say. When this happens, I find some solace by finishing my thought instead of ceasing to talk as soon as they interrupt me. I still don’t understand why anyone continues to speak over someone when that person is still speaking at length.

Listening extensively to what someone else has to say sometimes results in them returning the favor by giving me plenty of room to talk. However, this is no guarantee that that will happen. It can sometimes result in them talking even more. I often feel tired after listening to someone tell a long story, which makes it much harder for me to hold the floor when it’s my turn to speak. Some folks, even after talking at length, seem to perk up and jump in shortly after I start talking. This usually results in me quieting down due to not having the energy to keep talking or ask for room to talk. Talking can be difficult for me even when I feel good, and it’s almost impossible when I feel tired.

I so appreciate those who do listen with few to no interruptions, even when I have a lengthy story to tell or point to make. One of the things I miss a lot about my dog Sawyer is how he listened to me. He’d often bark or growl at something, but he’d quiet down, look at me, and listen to what I said when I called out his name. Plenty of other animals I’ve met have acted similarly. That’s a huge reason I often feel much more comfortable around animals than I do around humans. Humans can learn a lot from animals about many aspects of communication. I hope they listen.

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Frustration, Learning, and Teaching

Posted on June 28, 2023 by admin

I often feel frustrated when learning something new, especially when it’s extremely difficult. The trouble I’ve had handling frustration has caused me to quit a number of activities before I ever truly learned them. Over time, I’ve gotten better at managing frustration and having the patience to keep practicing something until I get the hang of it.

I can handle frustration much more easily in small doses. When it comes to the frustration of learning something new, I’d rather put a little bit of time into it every day (or almost every day) than spend long hours practicing it. That minimizes my frustration while still allowing me to see regular progress. A perfect example is unicycling. When I was just starting out, I decided I would get 10 good unicycle rides a day and have fun with it. At the beginning, I could hardly go a foot forward before losing control. Even as I got better, some days seemed as if I had regressed tremendously, and others felt as if I’d be stuck at that level forever. Doing only about 10 minutes of practice every day made even the most difficult days bearable and allowed me to practice through the frustration until I eventually got good at it. Although it took almost a year for me to ride smoothly more often than not, this method still allowed me to see decent progress without quitting from frustration.

With all of this in mind, I can’t stand impatient, demeaning teachers who add to my frustration. Those kinds of teachers tend to expect me to be able to do more than I can at any given moment, even when I’m brand new to something. They also might talk about how they learned this particular skill much faster than I did. All of this is made even worse when they only explain things in ways that make sense to them instead of learning how to explain them in ways that make sense to me. Teachers who do any or all of those things make me want to quit.

Accordingly, I so appreciate patient, supportive teachers who help minimize my frustration and bring an abundance of positivity. These folks remind me that it’s ok to make mistakes when learning and encourage me to be easier on myself during the difficult parts of the learning process. That’s much nicer than acting like every mistake is the end of the world. Their encouraging and supportive spirits motivate me to continue learning at my own pace and make it much easier for me to learn new, difficult things.

I always feel sad whenever I see someone berating another who is learning something new, especially when it’s extremely difficult for that individual. That’s why whenever someone asks me to teach them something I know, I strive to be a patient, supportive teacher. I use encouragement, point out where the person is succeeding, offer thoughtful tips, and celebrate with them in their successes. At some point in the process, I often remember how bad I’ve felt whenever I’ve been on the receiving end of bad teaching. That reminds me to pause, be patient, and work with the other person to figure out why it’s not working so that we can work together until we find a way to make it click.

I’ve become even more averse to bad teachers since losing my dog Sawyer last year. My patience in general has gone down since he died, and that is especially apparent when it comes to teaching and learning. At this point, I’m more apt to disengage from a bad teacher and either seek out a good teacher or learn on my own. I’m largely self-taught in juggling and unicycling, so I’m pretty good at figuring out how to do difficult things and then putting in however much practice it takes to get good at them. Fortunately, the more new things I learn and the more skilled people I meet, the more I cross paths with great teachers. I look forward to experiencing more of that as I continue adding to my bag of tricks.

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4 Key Areas of Life

Posted on June 21, 2023 by admin

In many cases, getting a few key areas of life together can yield massive boosts in mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Unfortunately, none of these things are generally prioritized in modern society. One or two of them receive attention at any given time, but the whole package never does. For everyone to have their best shot at a healthy life, major changes have to be made such that everyone can sufficiently pursue these. In the meantime, I’ve benefited tremendously from the changes I’ve made in these areas over the past several years. Without further ado, here are some things worth getting in order, keeping in order, and getting back in order when they go off track.

  1. Sleep: Everything I’ve learned about sleep from Matthew Walker’s wonderful book Why We Sleep has inspired me to put this at the top of the list. Even if you master everything below, a consistent lack of sufficient quality sleep will still wreck your health. That’s how important sleep is. While I haven’t mastered this one yet, I’m closer to it than I’ve been in about a decade.
  2. Stress relief: After sleep, this is the most important thing on this list. Effective stress relief is crucial for the proper digestion of food, quality sleep, civil communication, getting along with others, and effective action everywhere in life. I relieve stress as often as possible, especially before, during, and after majorly challenging events. I always feel better and do better when I stay on top of stress relief.
  3. Water: Going a few days without drinking any water will prove fatal. Not drinking enough water throughout the day, even when sedentary, can result in headaches, cloudy thinking, overheating, and poor decision making. Doing a lot of physical activities, having a few large reusable water bottles by my side for most of the day, and living in Florida have all increased my water intake. The difference between drinking too little water and drinking enough is astonishing, and, usually, I drink enough each day.
  4. Food: After I lost my dog Sawyer last year, I started eating only twice a day. That worked well enough for a while but eventually became problematic. I often would feel lightheaded and get a headache between meals, especially if I went out on a walk or did anything else physical. I’ve since made a point to eat at least two meals before I set out on most activities that use a lot of energy. Additionally, since I’ve gone back to eating three times a day and at least twice before going out to dance, walk for a while in nature, or do something else along similar lines, I’ve felt much better and haven’t noticed the aforementioned issues. That taught me the importance of eating a sufficient amount of food frequently enough. Although my nutrition is far from perfect, it’s pretty good, and I can see it improving even more as I continue working on this.
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