Healing Past Pain

I want to talk about healing past pain. By this, I mean bringing to mind previous experiences that have left some sense of frustration, anger, sadness, or other sense of feeling hurt and doing what it takes to be free from them. As I’ve gone through my self-improvement work this year, I’ve periodically realized how much past pain I have and how much it can stifle me in the present. In an effort to heal that pain, I’ve used some of the life hacks I’ve learned, especially those I got from The Power of Now. I’ll talk about what I did yesterday that seemed to help. 

Since I had the day off, I had plenty of time to do this, although it only ended up taking ten minutes or so. Still, I’d rather have all day to do this and be able to go at my own pace than have almost no time and rush through it. When I felt ready, I got into the same position I use for my morning routine: I sat on the edge of my bed, feet flat on the floor, fingertips touching, glasses off, and eyes closed. As usual, it took some time for my thoughts to settle. I waited patiently as I slowed my breathing and did an exercise about loving-kindness to help put myself in the proper mindset. Then I focused on each part of my body, starting at my feet and working up to my face, and made a conscious decision to release as much tension in each area as possible while still sitting up straight. This gave me a strong awareness of my body and helped take attention away from my thoughts, quieting my mind. Once I had gotten into a state of presence, I proceeded. 

I thought back to a recent painful experience and went to work. It helped that I had previously wished happiness, in line with the aforementioned exercise about loving-kindness, on two of the people involved. I reframed the experience in my mind by thinking of a possible alternative explanation for the incident (a misunderstanding rather than a purposeful decision to cause pain), reminded myself that I don’t have to let others control my feelings, and used several big breaths to send my negative emotions deep into the ground. That made me feel lighter and more relaxed, which is how I feel whenever I’ve let go of something that’s been weighing me down. I stayed like that for a short time and then opened my eyes, donned my glasses, and went to the computer to start writing this down while it was still fresh.

While I’ve done similar things in the past to deal with pain, I think this strategy is going to be more lasting in its effects. As long as I forgive whoever caused me pain in the past and truly release that blame along with the accompanying emotions, this should help me a lot. I plan to start doing this regularly, focusing on whatever pain is most prominent at the time. Every day might be too much but I should be able to do this several times a week. Just as I’ve benefited from cleaning my room and getting rid of a lot of material junk, I think it’s also important to get rid of the mental junk that’s dragging me down. And if I get to a point where I feel like I need qualified professional help to do this, I’ll seek it out without hesitation. I hope you’ll also seek help if you feel it necessary, whether you try out what I did or not (although if you do try it and it helps you, please let me know). I’m interested to see how my life will look once I’ve been doing it for a long time. If it does produce lasting healing, then I’d like to see it or something similar catch on and help a lot of people heal their pain and find freedom. The world would drastically change for the better if that happened and I hope to be around to see it. 

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The Power of Loving-Kindness

Tim Ferriss has a big book called Tools of Titans in which he interviews over 100 extremely successful people to learn the things that work for them. This excerpt was written by Chade-Meng Tan, an expert in mindfulness, among many other things. I loved reading about it so much that I wanted to share it with you all. The little bit of this exercise that I’ve done has helped me and I hope it helps you too. Without further ado, here it is. 

In many of my public talks, I guide a very simple 10-second exercise. I tell the audience members to each identify two human beings in the room and just think,”I wish for this person to be happy, and I wish for that person to be happy.” That is it. I remind them to not do or say anything, just think – this is an entirely thinking exercise. The entire exercise is just 10 seconds’ worth of thinking.

Everybody emerges from this exercise smiling, happier than 10 seconds before. This is the joy of loving-kindness. It turns out that being on the giving end of a kind thought is rewarding in and of itself…. All other things being equal, to increase your happiness, all you have to do is randomly wish for somebody else to be happy. That is all. It basically takes no time and no effort.

How far can you push this joy of loving-kindness? One time, I gave a public talk in a meditation center called Spirit Rock in California. As usual, I guided the audience in this 10-second exercise, and just for fun, I assigned them homework. I was speaking on a Monday evening, and the next day, Tuesday, was a work day, so I told the audience to do this exercise for Tuesday: Once an hour, every hour, randomly identify two people walking past your office and secretly wish for each of them to be happy. You don’t have to do or say anything – just think, “I wish for this person to be happy.” And since nobody knows what you’re thinking, it’s not embarrassing – you can do this exercise entirely in stealth. And after 10 seconds of doing that, go back to work. That’s all. On Wednesday morning that week, I received an email from a total stranger, Jane (not her real name). Jane told me, “I hate my job. I hate coming to work every single day. But I attended your talk on Monday, did the homework on Tuesday, and Tuesday was my happiest day in 7 years.”

Happiest day in 7 years. And what did it take to achieve that? It took 10 seconds of secretly wishing for two other people to be happy for 8 repetitions, a total of 80 seconds of thinking. That, my friends, is the awesome power of loving-kindness. 

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Don’t Make Assumptions

Time to revisit The Four Agreements. This time, we’re looking at the third agreement: “Don’t Make Assumptions”. Don Miguel Ruiz talks about how easy it is to make assumptions and how real they appear to be, even when they’re completely wrong. While stuck within the fantasy created by a negative assumption, the temptation to react negatively toward whatever person it’s directed at can be overwhelming. Naturally, this often leads to nothing but trouble. 

Along with taking things personally, this is one of the most difficult agreements for me to follow. Before I learned about presence and became decent a practicing it, my mind would nearly always run at top speed while imagining all sorts of possibilities for any situation. This helped with my writing and coming up with ideas, but it also facilitated assumptions, often negative ones. I can’t recall how many times I said or did something based on an assumption only to be racked with guilt as soon as I learned the truth. Even at this point in my life, I still find myself making assumptions and jumping to conclusions more than I’d like. Sometimes this causes no real trouble, but other times it ends badly. 

Something Ruiz suggests to avoid making assumptions is to simply ask questions. I started doing this even before I read The Four Agreements as I found it useful to avoid trouble. If I ask someone where they’re coming from rather than assuming I already know, I can avoid putting my foot in my mouth and bringing tension into the situation. Also, I appreciate whenever someone asks questions about me or something I enjoy instead of jumping to conclusions, so I try to do this with other people to avoid hypocrisy. Something else that helps me is remembering past situations in which I’ve made assumptions and how they often ended badly; wanting to learn from my mistakes instead of repeating them tends to keep me on the right track. As long as I keep this agreement and the life hacks that help me follow it in mind, I’m confident that I can gradually eliminate the bad habit of making assumptions and enjoy all the benefits that doing so will bring into my life.

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Becoming a Morning Person

For the last several years, I’ve been more fond of the night than the day. There are several reasons for my being a night owl, including the following: my best ideas seem to come to me then, it’s when I generally feel more awake, there are more activities I enjoy later rather than earlier, and, at least in my neighborhood, things are normally quieter and less hectic at night and I have more time to relax by myself. Lately, though, I’ve found myself enjoying the morning more than the night. Here are some reasons that might explain the change. 

Since I started doing more self-improvement work, I’ve had to make better use of my time. Although there are some days that I don’t go into work until the late afternoon, I still wake up around the same time each day and get done what I can before I leave the house. Also, because I’m waking up earlier now than I used to, getting sufficient sleep requires me to go to be earlier as well, which leaves me less time at night to get stuff done. By then, I usually just want to read and spend time on my Kindle before bed, so I’m better off getting the important tasks done earlier in the day.

I think mornings offer a great deal of hope and time for rest. A new day has begun, there’s a world of possibility ahead, and whatever concerns I had the night before have largely been quieted through sleep. Further, while some things have already begun by the time I get up, there’s still a sense of quiet and peace that feels nice. This makes the morning a nice time to get focus, breathe, meditate, and enjoy the peace, which is exactly what I do in my morning routine. 

In contrast, by the time night falls, I’ve had a whole day to expend energy, get tired out from interacting with other people, think a lot (probably overthink as well), and so on. It’s easier for me to get stuck in a negative mindset at night than in the morning, which I think is largely due to being tired at the end of the day and less interested in setting myself straight. This also makes it harder for me to enjoy the night than it used to; I occasionally find myself falling asleep when reading and often doze off when surfing the web on my Kindle right before hitting the hay. It’s not as fun to do things after dark if I have trouble staying awake. 

All of this means that I’m at or close to a position I never thought I would be: a morning person. This has gradually crept up on me and, although I’m surprised to find this has happened, I have to face the facts of the situation. I don’t know what exactly this means for me going forward. Maybe it’s a routine that I’ll maintain for the rest of my life or maybe it’ll just be here for a season. In either case, I’m enjoying it and I’ll keep an eye on it to see what lessons it can teach me. 

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A Fun Day on Amelia Island

Yesterday, I spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with some friends in Fernandina Beach on Amelia Island. There was a holiday event there with all kinds of food, music, games, decorations, and other fun activities. We spent about four hours up there and had a blast. Here are the highlights from the trip. 

I carpooled there and back with a good friend to keep things simple. After about an hour’s drive, we got to Fernandina Beach and quickly found a good parking spot. Then we wandered around for a while, taking in the sights and exploring a cool bookstore called The Book Loft. While inside, our other friends texted that they were here, so we made our way to the welcome center and met up with them. Our first quest to find roasted chestnuts was unfortunately left unfulfilled, but that early disappointment didn’t prevent us from enjoying the rest of our time up there. We took a few pictures and then spent some time listening to Christmas carols and singing along while also learning a bit about their history.

We then headed over to the main stage to listen to the Crescendo Amelia band, add another friend to our group, visit for a bit with a friend in the band, and dance for a while. Once that ended, we listened to a reading of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” and then headed over to Wicked Bao for dinner. We planned to eat outside, hoping that the heating devices they had would keep us warm despite the cool weather. Unfortunately, the clouds opened up and poured down rain, forcing us to eat inside. We made the most of it, however, having fun conversations while enjoying our food. I had some pork pot stickers and lemonade, as well as a bit of a pork bao that a friend let me try; I enjoyed the bao much more than the pot stickers, so I’ll order that next time if I go back there. The rain let up and allowed us to go to our final stop of the night, Fantastic Fudge. After a brief wait, we got our dessert, said goodbye, and headed home. 

I’ve felt for a while now like I needed a break, and this, along with going home and relaxing after work on Friday night instead of going out, gave me exactly what I needed. Changing up my usual routine and doing something special helped me relax, feel refreshed, and slow down and stretch out my day off so that it felt like three days instead of just one. It seems that days like this come along at just the right time to get me back to where I need to be and I always enjoy them and the benefits they give me. This was a great one and I’m glad I got to experience everything it had to offer. 

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Review of Start With Why

Simon Sinek’s Start With Why is one of the best books I’ve read this year. Sinek does a great job discussing leadership, communication, efficiency, and other related subjects. He covers a lot of ground and does so in a memorable, enjoyable way. 

Sinek’s central point involves the difference between how most people communicate and how effective leaders communicate. In the process, he repeatedly references the “Golden Circle”, which looks like this: 

Image result for golden circle
The Golden Circle

According to Sinek, most people start communicating from the outside of the Golden Circle and gradually move toward its center; they start with what they do, then move on to how they do it, and finish with why they do it, if they even mention the why at all. On the other hand, an effective leader begins by explaining why they do something, proceeds to the how, and finally concludes with the what. To illustrate the difference, he compares how most companies market themselves to how Apple markets itself; he says that this is why Apple garners such loyalty from it customers and why it has had such success in a variety of products and services while other companies have been much more limited in what they can do. Starting with why isn’t essential for an individual or an organization to be successful, but Sinek states that doing so greatly increases the chances of long-term success. 

As for the reason that starting with why is so effective, Sinek turns to biology. He says that our decisions come from the subconscious areas of our brains that also deal with emotion but don’t handle language; language is reserved for the higher-reasoning areas, which also serve to rationalize decisions made by the subconscious. Because of this, starting with why and then proceeding outward to what appeals directly to the areas of our brains that make decisions. In contrast, starting with what completely bypasses the decision-making areas, resulting in a much smaller chance of inspiring or persuading anyone. 

Start With Why also looks at companies that lost sight of their why and ended up focusing more on their what. He talks about how Sam Walton, founder of Walmart, loved people and made serving and taking care of them the why of his company. One of the ways he did that was by keeping prices low. After his death, however, the why shifted from taking care of people to simply having low prices. If this meant cutting costs elsewhere in ways that ended up making some people worse off, that was consistent with the company’s new why. This is why Walmart’s reputation has declined drastically since Walton’s death, although it is far from the only company to fall from grace after losing sight of its why.

When I was about halfway through Start With Why, I started realizing how significant Sinek’s ideas were and how much they intertwine with many of the lessons I’ve learned this year. For an example involving communication, I think conversations would go much more smoothly, especially ones about disagreements, if more people started with why they hold their positions. If two people start off talking about what changes they want to see in the world and those changes are different, there may be (and often is) hostility. However, if they start off talking about their idea of a better world, they may disagree on how to get there but at least they’ll see eye-to-eye on why they’re motivated to make a positive difference. This is just one way that the lessons in Start With Why could make the world better. I’m glad I read this book and I’m excited that it’s given me a better idea of how to communicate effectively. I intend to use what I’ve learned from it in my plans to leave the world better than I found it and I think it’s going to prove incredibly useful in that regard. If any of this sounds interesting to you, check out the book and see why it’s become a modern classic. You’ll be glad you did.

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Combating Jealousy

Although I try to avoid it, I find myself getting jealous once in a while. Jealous at those with more time and money to do the things they love, jealous of people who are further down the road of self-improvement than I am, or jealous of others having a good time without me. The more I’ve thought about this, the more I’ve been able to find possible causes of this feeling and seek out remedies for it. 

As I mentioned above, jealousy is simply a feeling I create within myself. It’s caused by my reaction to events outside of me rather than being caused by the events themselves. In many cases, I think it comes down to resenting someone for being successful or feeling happy instead of being glad for them or acquiring those things in my own life; when I feel jealous, I’m making a decision to find fault in someone else and not take responsibility for my own decisions. 

I’m still working on this, but I’ve found several life hacks that have helped control my jealous feelings. One of the most useful resources for me is this video from Charisma on Command. Charlie, the host, uses events from his life to illustrate the techniques he used to overcome the issues that were dragging him down and keeping him stuck in a bad place. The video is just over 20 minutes long, so it’s easy to watch it repeatedly or reference specific parts of it without spending as much time as is required by some of the other resources. The Power of Now has been another essential resource for me this year. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve listened to it and I really should listen to it again soon. I need regular reminders of how crafty and insecure my ego is and that it is the source of my discontentment. Focusing on being present gives me a welcome relief from negative thinking and all the harm it brings with it.

Along similar lines, I frequently think about The Four Agreements, especially “Don’t Take Anything Personally” and “Don’t Make Assumptions”. It’s easy to jump to conclusions about why someone said this or that and why they did something without me, but I really don’t know their reasons for doing so. All speculating about the situation does is make me feel worse about myself and them, so it’s better to avoid it altogether. Stephen Covey’s wisdom in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, especially the parts about rescripting and having the ability to choose how to react in the space between stimulus and response, has also been incredibly useful. Lastly, learning how to find joy and contentment even when I’m alone has helped me a lot. This requires depending less on other people, which makes it easier to spend time away from them without feeling lonely or jealous. If I had to sum everything in this post up in one phrase, I suppose it would be that I’ve gotten better at being alone without feeling lonely. I’m still working on it, so I do occasionally lapse into feelings of loneliness and jealousy, but I’ve definitely seen improvement since I started working on this stuff. If you can relate to this, then I hope this post helps you and that you can find out what works for you in overcoming these negative feelings. Thank you and I’ll see you next time. 

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Repeal Day 2018

Yesterday was the 85th anniversary of the repeal of Alcohol Prohibition in the United States. As expected, there were many parties and other celebrations. Here’s how I celebrated that night.

The Volstead, a speakeasy-style bar in downtown Jacksonville, opened its doors to anyone looking for a good time. I met up with a group of friends there and enjoyed celebrating with them. Most of us dressed in formal or vintage clothes for extra fun. Our evening started off at 7:30 with a swing dance lesson by Bold City Swing. Afterward, we danced to recorded music until the band finished setting up. The Raisin Cake Orchestra is a jazz band that plays a variety of music and they provided the soundtrack for most of the event. It helps to know a few different styles of dance when listening to them; most of my friends do, so we had fun dancing the night away to whatever the band played. Also, two of my friends won the best dressed contest and each received a goody bag as their prize. Although the event was scheduled until midnight, most of us left several hours earlier, but not before taking a few group photos and saying goodbye.

Although I don’t drink alcohol, I had fun celebrating Repeal Day. Last year, I went down to a restaurant in St. Augustine called Prohibition Kitchen in and danced with friends to a band called Swing Theory, so there were many similarities between the two celebrations. This one felt smaller and simpler, but I enjoyed both. It’s always nice to dance and have fun with friends, and I look forward to seeing what next year’s Repeal Day celebration will look like. 

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Knowing When to Move On

It’s in my nature to fix things. That’s why I spend so much time trying to help people with their problems and working on self-improvement. I do the same with the places I frequent as well. Wherever I go, if I spend enough time there, I’ll notice things that can be improved and do my best to do it. As long as it’s either within my knowledge base or simple enough that I can figure it out, I’ll try to leave it better than I found it.

Whenever I’ve run into a system at one of my jobs or somewhere else I regularly go, I’ve first taken some time to learn it and use it to accomplish whatever tasks are at hand. Once I get a feel for it, however, I start thinking about how to make it better. For example, maybe changing the order of a few steps will make it flow better, make it easier, and allow us to complete a task faster while still getting everything right. This has generally served me well, although it has gotten me into trouble on occasion. Sometimes those above me are more interested in doing things a certain way than finding the best way (or even a better way) to do them and they shut down my efforts to improve the situation. I can deal with that for a while but it eventually starts getting to me. The longer I stay in that situation and learn about how things work, the more opportunities for improvement I find. When I can’t act on them, it breaks my spirit and I eventually end up leaving.

I believe that nearly anything can be fixed or at the very least improved if given enough time, effort, and intelligence. However, sometimes I realize that fixing a particular situation would require so much from me that my attention would be better spent somewhere else. Somewhere that’s more receptive to my ideas, needs less improvement, and leaves me feeling tired at the end of the night because I was so inspired to pour everything I had into what I did that day instead of having the life sucked the life out of me by rigid bureaucracy. 

As much as I try to finish what I start and leave something better than I found it, I’ve learned that sometimes the best thing to do is walk away. It usually takes me a long time to do this once I’ve invested a great deal of my energy and thinking into a particular place, but sooner or later I say goodbye. I’m always thrilled when I move on and find people who appreciate me, my ideas, and my efforts to improve whatever situation I’m in. That’s what keeps me going and I’d much rather invest in those people than ones that make it clear that they could do without me. And I’m fortunate to know many people who appreciate me and everything I do. They’re the best friends I could ask for and I’m so glad I get to go through life with them. 

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A Big City with a Small Town Feel

I’ve lived all my life in Jacksonville, Florida. As I’ve explored different sections of the city and gone to more events, I’ve realized some interesting things about it. For starters, Jacksonville is the biggest city by area in the contiguous United States. There are some cities in Alaska that are bigger, but Jacksonville is the biggest city in the lower forty eight states.

Despite its size, however, Jacksonville doesn’t feel like a big city. One reason for this could be that the city is spread out enough to give everyone plenty of elbow room. This could contrast some other US cities with much larger populations in far smaller areas that might feel more cramped as a result. Another plausible reason may be that each section of Jacksonville has its own distinct feel. The area by the beach feels completely different than the more rural areas, and those are nothing like the downtown area, and so on. This makes Jacksonville feel like four or five small cities that have been combined to create one big city.

It may also explain why I sometimes run into people from my past. For example, two days ago at my job, I helped a customer who happened to be one of my elementary school music teachers. We hadn’t seen each other in at least fifteen years and we spent a good while catching up. This is just one of several times in which I’ve been reunited with a past teacher or schoolmate at one of my jobs. I’ve also had these sorts of occasions outside of work, although sometimes I’ve happened to run into friends I see on a regular basis rather than people I haven’t seen in years. In any one of those situations, it reminds me of how close and connected Jacksonville is and how it feels more like one or more small towns instead of one big city. That’s one of several things I enjoy about living here and why I plan to continue calling it home for the foreseeable future. 

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