Listening and Communication

Posted on August 20, 2019 by admin

Stephen Covey talks a lot about the importance of listening in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Seeking to understand what other people are saying, practicing empathetic listening, asking clarifying questions, giving them plenty of time to talk, and avoiding the urge to reply as quickly as possible are all important aspects of good communication. In fact, communication isn’t possible without listening since talking is only half of the necessary ingredients for communication to occur.

This is still difficult for me to grasp at times. I used to have a lot of trouble truly listening to people since I feel most useful whenever I can help solve a problem and I still often carry this mindset into my conversations. As a result, I’d feel like I didn’t help someone if I couldn’t offer some useful advice. However, I’ve gradually realized how being there to hear someone out without offering any advice or trying to influence their decisions can be the best thing I can do for them. While I occasionally help people solve their problems, most of the time they just want someone who’ll be present and listen while they talk about whatever’s troubling them. Sometimes they talk their way into a solution and sometimes they don’t. Either way, they always get something off their chest and feel better afterward.

I started thinking about this stuff earlier this week after catching up with a friend and giving them plenty of space to talk while listening without trying to respond or offer any advice. During most of the conversation, I wasn’t even consciously thinking of Covey’s recommendations or anything that I typically mention in this blog. I was merely focused on hearing them out and focusing on what they had to say. They thanked me afterward and I could tell they truly appreciated my being there for them. This exchange reminded me of how important this stuff is. I love the feeling I get whenever someone listens to me and makes an effort to understand me, so I try to pay it forward as much as I can. What would the world look like if more people did this? I don’t know exactly but I think it’d be a much better place and I hope to see that happen.

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Overcoming My Impressionability

Posted on August 19, 2019 by admin

I’m super impressionable. How impressionable, you might ask? Well, if I watch a movie and find one particular character likable or relatable, I’ll start acting like them without even trying. Once I start doing this, it can take me anywhere from a few days to more than a month to stop; it all depends on how much I like the character and how big an impression they leave on me. Additionally, I love learning about how other people think. Whenever I listen to someone, I try to keep my mind as open as possible so I can understand where they’re coming from. One downside of this is that it makes me inclined to go along with whatever someone says even when it causes me a lot of problems.

As a result of these tendencies, I’ve been led astray many times. I’ve signed onto organizations, projects, causes, and other big group endeavors because I found them compelling even though something about them felt fishy at the time. I have also done things that were contrary to my values without even realizing it until after the fact. Fortunately, I’ve managed to free myself from all of those things and get to a place of greater independence in how I think, speak, and act. I’m determined to steer clear of blindly following any person or group again and I’ve actively taken steps to avoid repeating those mistakes. Some of what I’ve done in this regard includes avoiding formal membership with as many groups and organizations as possible so that I’m not surrounded by people telling me how to think or what to do, absorbing a wide range of perspectives from many different people to keep me from focusing on just one person’s ideas, thinking things through and deciding for myself how I see the world, and studying persuasion to help me identify when I’m being manipulated and give me some techniques to effectively resist it.

While all of those things have helped, they’ve only taken me so far. I still often have trouble standing up for myself and saying no. A lot of this is due to the fear of what someone might do to me if I let them down. So now I’m working on ridding myself of this fear by finding small ways to assert myself and seeing that nothing bad happens. I did this for a few months earlier this year, so I know from experience that it works. My goal is to do this long enough to make it a habit so that I can benefit from it every day. So far it’s working pretty well. Since I’ve made great progress with everything else I mentioned in this post, I’m looking forward to seeing the progress I’ll continue to make by acting from a place of confidence instead of fear.

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Review of Walden

Posted on August 18, 2019 by admin

Walden is an interesting book by Henry David Thoreau. It covers the period of just over two years that he spent living in a cabin near Walden Pond in Concord, Massachusetts. He did this to see what he’d learn by getting down to the basics and living intentionally rather than living automatically, which is even more common now than it was when he wrote the book.

Thoreau mostly built his cabin by hand, although he did salvage some parts from a nearby abandoned cabin to make things easier. He also grew his own food, went on long walks every day, spent time on the pond in his boat, and lived simply. Despite living well away from everyone else, he still entertained visitors and even regularly walked to the village. This allowed him to enjoy plenty of solitude without feeling lonely or detached.

Thoreau’s writing style made parts of the book difficult for me to understand. Sometimes he’d go off on long tangents about mice, ice, plants, and other similar things. I don’t have the greatest ability to visualize something that I haven’t seen at least once, so I’d often struggle to picture what he was describing. Also, he would often switch from literal into more metaphorical or poetic language, which threw me off and made it easy for me to lose track of what was happening. Since the book was first published in 1854, I don’t know whether this writing style was common at the time or if it mostly came from Thoreau himself. Either way, his writing style occasionally made it difficult for me to stay focused and follow along. Still, enough stuff resonated with me to keep me interested in reading further, so I’d try to catch myself whenever my mind started to wander and refocus my attention.

Even before I read Walden, I loved the idea of living simply in a cabin for a few years; getting a glimpse into that lifestyle from Thoreau’s perspective has made me even more interested in trying it for myself. I think a lot of people would benefit by getting out of the rat race and slowing down for a while. I’m inclined to think that many people who are currently living simply in cabins, tiny houses, and camper vans/RVs were inspired by Thoreau’s writings about his experience in Walden. Thanks to the internet, nearly anyone who is living off the grid can document their journey and share it with the world in real time. I enjoy checking out these kinds of stories every so often and I generally enjoyed reading about Thoreau’s experience in Walden. If any of this sounds interesting to you, then I recommend checking out the book for yourself and seeing what it does for you.

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The Daily Stoic: “Anything Can Be an Advantage”

Posted on August 17, 2019 by admin

I love this entry from The Daily Stoic since I’m a mere three inches taller than Muggsy Bogues. As such, I’ve enjoyed surprising people with my strength, speed, athleticism, and other abilities that they weren’t expecting because of my height. However, there is much more to this entry than matters of height and impressing other people. Just as it states, I’ve found ways to take aspects of myself that many would consider weaknesses and use them to improve my life situation. A little creative thinking can turn practically any challenge into an opportunity for improvement and success, and I love surprising myself by finding new ways to succeed in many different situations.

“Just as the nature of rational things has given to each person their rational powers, so it also gives us this power – just as nature turns to its own purpose any obstacle or any opposition, sets its place in the destined order, and co-opts it, so every rational person can convert any obstacle into the raw material for their own purpose.”

-Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.35

At five feet three inches tall, Muggsy Bogues was the shortest player ever to play professional basketball. Throughout his career, he was snickered at, underestimated, and counted out.

But Bogues succeeded by turning his height into the very thing that made him nationally known. Some people looked at his size as a curse, but he saw it as a blessing. He found the advantages contained within it. In fact, on the court small size has many advantages: speed and quickness, the ability to steal the ball from unsuspecting (and significantly taller) players, to say nothing of the fact that players just plain underestimated him.

Could this approach not be useful in your life? What things do you think have been holding you back that, in fact, can be a hidden source of strength?

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It Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect

Posted on August 16, 2019 by admin

I try to maintain some consistency with the look and feel of this blog. For example, when I’m posting something from The Daily Stoic, I’ll pull up previous posts from that book so I can keep the same format. However, I try not to be a slave to this mentality; some variance is fine with me as long as I clearly express my ideas. That’s why I’m not super concerned if some of the smaller details change from one post to the next.

For at least the past few years, I’ve cared more about the message than the messenger or the medium. There are many wonderful speakers who have used their extensive vocabularies, perfect enunciation, and beautiful voices to deliver exciting, encouraging, and motivating speeches without ever missing a beat or stumbling over a word. Some of them, however, were all about style and had little to no substance. Their speeches are remembered more for their appealing arrangement than for their message. Given the choice between listening to a speech that sounds good but feels empty and a speech that’s full of meaning even if the presentation is lacking, I’d gladly take the latter option.

I’m perfectly willing to read something that has a lot of typos, watch a low-quality video, and listen to people who have great things to say even if they’re not the best speakers. Likewise, while I always do my best to make my posts look good and contain as few errors as possible, I’d rather focus on crafting a clear, relatable message that people enjoy reading than get so hung up on the presentation that I lose sight of what I’m trying to say.

Even though I know that some people would frown upon certain aspects of my writing and that this isn’t the ideal theme for a blog, I don’t worry about either of those things. I’ve developed a writing style that fits me well and lets me clearly communicate my ideas and chosen an appearance for this blog that I really like and works well enough. I don’t make any money off this blog and I don’t intend to do so, so having a certain appearance isn’t crucial. I blog because I enjoy it, it’s a great way to get my thoughts out there, and it helps me and several people who’ve talked to me about it on numerous occasions. As a recovering perfectionist, getting used to things being “good enough” rather than perfect has been difficult, but blogging has made it easier. Doing my best to put out quality work always makes me feel good, and that’s good enough for me.

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My 1-Year Blogging Anniversary

Posted on August 15, 2019 by admin

My first blog post went up on August 15th, 2018, so I can officially say that I’ve been blogging for a whole year as of today. It feels like I’ve been blogging for much longer than a year, which may be due to the fact that I’ve put up more than 365 posts at this point. I avoided making a separate post about that because I wanted to celebrate both milestones at the same time.

As of now, my plan to continue posting every day for the remainder of 2019 looks a lot more achievable than it did months ago. I’ve somehow been able to put up a new post every day since I started, so I figure I can keep that going since I’m so close to the finish line. Once 2020 rolls around, I’m going to switch to weekly posts so that I’ll have more time to work on each post, examine the subjects I discuss more thoroughly, and ultimately create better posts. Plus it’ll allow me to focus more on my other interests and even explore new things. Since I’m in the habit of posting regularly, I’m confident that I can post once a week without forgetting, falling behind, or losing my touch.

I’ve come a long way since my first blog post. It’s now easier for me to express my thoughts through writing as well as speaking, I’ve gotten more courageous at sharing what’s on my mind (at least through my writing), and I’ve explored a lot of things that I had previously discussed with only a few people before I started blogging. Writing and posting regularly has shown me connections and possibilities between many subjects that I’d have otherwise never noticed; it has also made me rethink a lot of things and see the world very differently than I used to. Further, my life situation is overall much better now than it was last year, much of which is due to the reading and writing I’ve done for this blog. This is especially true for the handful of friends that I’ve grown much closer to through talking about the subjects I typically include in my posts.

There are countless things in my life that I’ve started and quite shortly thereafter. However, blogging has brought me so much joy, clarity, peace, and personal growth that I can’t imagine ever giving it up. As long as I still have ideas worth mentioning and some way to write them out, I’ll keep sharing my thoughts with whoever’s interested in reading them. This journey has been incredible so far and I’m looking forward to seeing where it takes me next.

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Self-Confidence

Posted on August 14, 2019 by admin

For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling a lot less social than I usually do. This is especially the case around people I hardly know or don’t know at all, but I’ve even felt this way around some of my closest friends. My job is very social and I think I’m still doing ok at connecting with people there. That’s probably the case because I love what I do, I mostly talk to just one person at a time, and I get to recharge by spending plenty of time by myself. Even so, it’s still taken a lot more effort for me to make those connections as of late. It’s been even more difficult when I’ve gone out purely for social reasons.

One aspect of this is that I’ve been having a hard time finding and maintaining interest in conversations. I still want to connect with people but I also don’t want to fake interest. Additionally, I’ve been feeling like a lot of the stuff that I’ve used as helpful aids in conversation is manipulative or shallow, which makes me want to avoid using it. Since I’ve leaned heavily on a lot of that stuff for the past few years, where can I go from here? I have an idea.

I’ve heard Penn Jillette explain his approach numerous times. He seeks to avoid trying to convince anyone to adopt his perspective since he sees that as manipulative and disrespectful. Instead, he simply shares his thoughts in an honest, straightforward fashion. That includes feeling whatever emotions he’s feeling at the time and saying what he thinks, even if it’s unpopular. He’s also completely open to the possibility that he might be wrong about anything, which allows him to genuinely listen to the perspectives of others. I think he’s onto something. I like how he describes that approach and the self-confidence he has that allows him to use such a direct approach. I probably won’t duplicate his style exactly since he and I have quite different personalities but I think that there’s a lot of good stuff in how he approaches these things.

In a few recent conversations I’ve had about how I’ve been feeling lately, the issue of confidence has come up. Some people who are close to me have expressed interest in helping me gain more self-confidence so that I can fully develop into the person I’m capable of becoming. I’ve had small tastes of that in the past. During some seasons in which I’ve had a great deal of confidence, I felt much more comfortable speaking my mind and interacting with nearly everyone I met. That deep sense of peace alongside a feeling that I’d be ok regardless of what happened allowed me to do some awesome things. I’d like very much for that to become the norm for me. I somehow figured out how to get there before, so I can absolutely find my way back if I apply myself.

Those conversations helped me feel better since they brought into the light a lot of stuff that was once hidden away and I think they also helped me pinpoint the causes of my confidence issues. If so, then I know what to do to heal that pain within myself and move forward into greater self-confidence and inner strength. I’m glad to know a lot of great life hacks to help me with this as well as some great people who are encouraging me and helping me get where I want to be in life.

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Describing Problems

Posted on August 13, 2019 by admin

I had a phenomenal heart-to-heart yesterday with someone who helped me learn a lot more about myself. That exchange also reminded me of a great concept related to solving problems: if you can describe the problem, you can solve it. This approach works well for me because it forces me to slow down and think things through from a simple starting point. That prevents my mind from running away from me and making me feel overwhelmed. When that happens, I can easily imagine many different ways that the problem could get worse but I can’t think of any way to solve it. Pausing and thinking about what I’m trying to change helps me determine what’s wrong and then find a solution.

Sometimes this requires a lot of thinking but occasionally the answers come to me with hardly any effort. On those occasions, I’ll just start talking about a problem I want to solve and I’ll find a solution within a matter of minutes (sometimes even seconds). Although this works well when applied to external matters, it also helps when directed inward. Describing something I’d like to change within myself allows me to watch my behavior as if I’m an outside observer. Doing this, along with thinking of myself as someone I’m supposed to help, can give me enough separation to see possibilities that would otherwise have remained hidden from me.

This is one reason I value these heart-to-heart exchanges with people I trust. For one thing, talking openly about my concerns and struggles just feels good. I always enjoy being able to let my guard down and fully share myself with another person who is also doing the same. Additionally, doing this helps me notice behaviors I had never thought much about before and find ways to change them if I like. Like I mentioned in the previous paragraph, this gives me some extra self-awareness, either by simply sharing things that are on my heart with someone I trust or getting feedback from them about things they see in me that I can’t see in myself. I’m going to try to keep all of this in mind and make good use of it. I hope this helps you as much as it’s helped me.

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Unexpected Joys

Posted on August 12, 2019 by admin

Life is full of unexpected joys. These joys can appear at any time and work wonders. They can make a wonderful season even better or make a rough season easier to manage. Here are a few of these joys that I’ve experienced lately and which have made things a little better for me.

  1. Receiving thoughtful, unexpected gifts outside of gift-giving holidays
  2. Hearing a kind compliment about yourself through the grapevine
  3. Speaking your mind about a difficult subject and having it go over much better than you’d expected
  4. Receiving sympathy and understanding after revealing a struggle
  5. Finding out that someone thinks highly of you in ways you didn’t expect
  6. Having a heart-to-heart with someone you trust
  7. Having someone show you things they see in you that you don’t see in yourself
  8. Suddenly discovering a solution to a problem that’s plagued you for years
  9. Running into a dear friend after recently thinking about them
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Asking the Right Questions and the Overview Effect

Posted on August 11, 2019 by admin
Image result for thomas pynchon questions

The above quote from Thomas Pynchon has been incredibly influential to me. I think of it more quickly, more easily, and more often than most other quotes I know. Its message is so simple and straightforward, yet the more I think about it, the more it affects how I look at life. Sometimes it’ll come to mind when I’m seeing one distraction after another fly by on my Facebook newsfeed. Other times I’ll remember it in the middle of a rant about something that’s gotten me hot under the collar. In any event, it always makes me pause and examine my approach to whatever I’m doing at the time.

There is so much fluff in modern life. So many things that are not only completely unnecessary but actually prevent us from focusing on things that matter. As long as enough people can be misdirected into paying attention to irrelevant things as if they are important, they can be prevented from taking effective action to make the world better. Some of this misdirection is intentional and some is mere happenstance. Either way, it’s a problem. Fortunately, there is a solution.

Astronauts have talked about the perspective shift that occurs when they’ve gone to space and seen the Earth from orbit. This phenomenon, called the overview effect, gives them a sense of connection to everyone on Earth and shows them their place in the universe. As a result, they quickly become aware of what is truly important and can see through most of the blinders intended to keep us in the dark. It’s the ultimate example of zooming out and seeing the big picture without anything trivial obscuring the view. This new perspective isn’t limited to just their time in space as it stays with them even after they’ve returned to Earth.

We can experience this same perspective shift without ever leaving the planet. Meditation is one way to get it. I’ve felt that sense of connection and love for all beings a handful of times in deep meditative states. Floating also offers an excellent chance to experience the overview effect. In addition to the calming effects of floating, the pods provide a feeling of weightlessness that removes all tension from the body and simulates being in space, allowing one to feel totally at peace with life, the universe, and everything. These are two ways I’ve found to experience this higher perspective and I’m sure there are many others. I like taking a big-picture view of things at least a few times a week. It helps me avoid the fluff, remember what’s truly important, and make sure I’m asking the right questions. If enough of us keep those three things in check, then we’ll all have a lot to look forward to in the years to come.

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