“The Dichotomy of Leadership”

“The Dichotomy of Leadership” is a great excerpt from Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin. In this segment, Jocko describes the difficult balancing act that all good leaders must maintain for maximum effectiveness. All the leaders I admire check off every item on this list and I’m grateful that Jocko included it in the book. I hope it inspires and guides more current and future leaders in whatever they do. Without further ado, here is “The Dichotomy of Leadership”:

A good leader must be:

confident but not cocky;

courageous but not foolhardy;

competitive but a gracious loser;

attentive to details but not obsessed by them;

strong but have endurance;

a leader and follower

humble not passive;

aggressive not overbearing;

quiet not silent;

calm but not robotic, logical but not devoid of emotions;

close with the troops but not so close that one becomes more important than another or more important than the good of the team; not so close that they forget who is in charge.

able to execute Extreme Ownership, while exercising Decentralized Command.

A good leader has nothing to prove, but everything to prove.

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Review of Extreme Ownership

Extreme Ownership is a fascinating book written by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin. It describes the leadership lessons that they learned through their time as commanders in the Navy SEALs, lessons which they now teach through their company called Echelon Front. The book packs a lot of stuff into a relatively small number of pages so I’ll hit on a few things that stuck out to me the most.

The book’s primary focus is on the importance of taking responsibility for your decisions, oversights, and failures. Jocko illustrates this point through a story involving unintentional friendly fire in his platoon. As he says both in the book and in this TED Talk, he took total responsibility for that event and refused to blame anyone above or below him in the chain of command. This surprised everyone and earned him respect both from his commanding officers and those he was tasked with leading. Taking ownership of the consequences of your decisions is really the foundation of leadership as far as Jocko and Leif are concerned and everything else originates from that starting point.

Part of the book discusses trying to understand understand a leader’s intentions by looking at the situation from their perspective. With any given assignment, a good leader is doing their best to develop and execute a plan that will bring about positive results. If they don’t make their intentions clear, then asking them for clarification or at the very least putting yourself in their position can give important insight into the bigger picture. This made me think of Start With Why, which is still one of my favorite books and would be a great one to read alongside Extreme Ownership as both contain valuable wisdom about leadership, including the importance of good communication.

I’m glad Jocko and Leif teach leadership lessons to people in business management positions. The conversation transcripts they included in Extreme Ownership reveal that the people they coach, rather than being driven by malice, more often suffer instead from poor communication, making things overly complex, working on too many things at once, or trying to micromanage their employees. Once Jocko and Leif introduce them to a better way to do things and give examples from their experience as evidence of its validity, the managers understand what they need to do and adopt this new strategy without hesitation. This gives me hope that relationships between employees and managers, as well as people in general, can be improved through striving to understand one another by having open conversations.

I enjoyed reading Extreme Ownership and I’d encourage anyone who’s interested in leadership, communication, and strategy to check it out. It’s difficult to read at times because of the war elements but I still got a lot of good stuff out of it. Plus I find it valuable to challenge myself by reading things that I disagree with, either entirely or in large part, since I can still learn from just about anything if I’m willing to consider other points of view. I’ll probably reread parts of the book periodically and I can imagine rereading the whole thing again at some point. Check it out if this sounds interesting to you and let me know what you think of it if you do.

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Compounding Misery

There are a lot of things about modern life that can stress you out, from paying bills to dealing with anxiety to trying to find time to fit everything into the day. Some things are beyond your control, but you can make things easier on yourself by focusing on the things that you can control. A few simple changes can make a big difference.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, especially at work, I try to remember to stop and take several deep breaths to center myself. Then I’ll drink some water since being hydrated makes everything easier. If I feel hungry, I’ll also eat a bit of food for energy and a feeling of satisfaction. Doing just those simple things makes me feel much better and allows me to think more clearly. Whatever is stressing me then seems much simpler and easier to manage. Even if I’m dealing with a challenging situation, my ability to handle it is greatly improved just by those simple acts of self-care.

If I don’t do those things, then life becomes much harder than it has to be. If I haven’t had any food or water in a good while, I tend to get a headache and have trouble thinking straight. Letting my breathing get out of control makes me feel overcome with anxiety. And if I haven’t been getting enough sleep, then I’ll feel like I’m walking around in a fog that makes everything more difficult than when I’m properly rested. Compounding misery in this way all but guarantees me a stressful day.

So please, don’t make things harder on yourself than they have to be. If you’re thirsty, drink some water. If you’re hungry, eat some good food. If you’re tired, take a nap. Listen to your body and give it what it needs; make things smooth where you can so that you’re in a better position to deal with whatever situation arises. That may not eliminate all of your problems but it’ll make it harder for new problems to appear and make things even worse. Plus it’ll prevent you from having to work through your problems while you’re feeling lousy. Self-care works if you make sure to do it. I do my best to practice it every day and I hope you do as well.

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Setting Myself up for Success

I try to think ahead and set myself up for success. Whenever I’m going to leave the house, whether for a few minutes or a few days, I’ll think about where I’m going and what I’m going to want/need while I’m there. If I’m going on a longer trip, I’ll stop and think through my daily routines and visualize what I use in them so I make sure to pack it. If I have an important conversation coming up, I’ll figure out in advance what I want to say and how to word it so that it comes across properly. Planning these things out normally takes me only a few minutes and saves me a lot of time, energy, and trouble later on.

Setting myself up for success often requires me to get my priorities in order so I can practice effective time management. If I have a lot of tasks to complete, I’ll start with the ones that are quickest and easiest to do so that I can knock them out early on. That way I’ll still have lots of time and energy for the longer, more difficult tasks. I also try to arrange things so that different tasks don’t conflict with each other. If I want to exercise and eat a big meal, for example, I’ll exercise first so that I won’t be slowed down or become sick from the food. Avoiding conflicts between tasks becomes especially important when I’m short on time and can’t afford to mess up my schedule.

Additionally, I prefer to get things done while I have plenty of time. For example, I’d rather wash my work shirts the night before my next shift instead of doing it shortly before I head in. That gives me ample room to maneuver in case an unexpected delay occurs. I still frequently struggle with this due to a lifelong habit of procrastination, but I’ve found numerous ways to get things done in a timely manner. One such way that I frequently use involves working on one task while I have another one going on in the background, such as finishing a blog post while washing a load of clothes. This is a great way to get quite a bit done in a short period of time.

All of these things have prevented a lot of anxiety and made my remaining anxiety much easier to manage. Having a plan in place gives me a framework to guide my actions while still allowing me to adjust to any changes that pop up, provided I avoid making my plan overly specific. Once I’ve developed a solid plan into a routine and lived by it for a few weeks, it becomes easy to follow and makes my life much smoother. I’ve spent much of my life setting myself up for failure, so I’m glad to have gotten pretty good over the past few years at setting myself up for success.

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What Would It Cost

What would it cost

To be innocent again and have no concept of cruelty?

To be unaware of how much darkness is hiding beyond the light?

To be free from the burden of misery that often comes with knowledge?

Even if this were possible, would it be worth pursuing?

It’s tempting to say “yes” when

Looking at those who’ve never suffered nor seen suffering in others,

Wondering if the knowledge of wrongdoing is what allows it to survive.

If nobody experienced harm or witnessed anyone harming another,

Would they even know how to do it?

Maybe this is the answer:

That those who have looked deeply into the visage of evil

Know best how to shut it out for good.

That those who have been hurt the most are in the best position to

Show others how to work through their pain.

That they can someday raise a generation that knows only love

And never has to suffer through the pains of the current reality.

How would the world look if this occurred?

One can only imagine, but that’s always where it starts.

Today’s dreamers create tomorrow’s reality,

Either by acting on their own ideas or by inspiring others to do so.

The future is ours to create, so let’s be sure to create a great one.

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The Daily Stoic: “The Philosopher’s School Is a Hospital”

Self-improvement is downright painful at times. The Daily Stoic makes that clear when it talks about how much healing can hurt. Deep-seated pain from early in my life is the most difficult stuff for me to work through and overcome. However, once I’m on the other side of a particular pain, I feel so much lighter and freer. So, while I agree with Epictetus’s comparison of the lecture-hall to a hospital, I actually disagree with his point about feeling pain upon leaving it. Feeling pain during the healing, sure, but I think there is relief and joy to be found afterward. Still, I think his larger point is sensible and worth sharing.

“Men, the philosopher’s lecture-hall is a hospital – you shouldn’t walk out of it feeling pleasure, but pain, for you aren’t well when you enter it.”

-Epictetus, Discourses, 3.23.30

Have you ever been to physical therapy or rehab? No matter what the name implies or how many people you see lying about, getting massages, it’s not a fun place to be. It turns out that healing hurts. The trained experts know exactly where to exert pressure and what to subject to stress so that they can strengthen where the patient is weak and help stimulate the areas that have atrophied.

Stoic philosophy is a lot like that. Some observations or exercises will touch one of your pressure points. It’s nothing personal. It’s supposed to hurt. That’s how you’ll develop the will to endure and persevere through life’s many difficulties.

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Get Rid of the Boxes

I used to label people and put them into boxes. Then I’d immediately accept or dismiss them based on whether or not I considered myself to be under the same label or in the same box as them. Although I still sometimes fall into that trap, I’ve mostly rid myself of that tendency at this point. Now it’s much easier for me to avoid saying “He’s this, she’s that, I’m this, and they’re that”, as if a label I apply to someone (or one they apply to themselves) defines everything about them. I’ve learned from many different experiences that humans are far too complex and deep for that.

Assuming that I know how someone else thinks based on a label that I’ve put on them doesn’t do either of us any favors. All it does is prevent me from getting to know them while creating many opportunities for strife to develop between us. When I refrain from labeling someone, it gives me an opportunity to get to know them and promotes peace in each of our interactions. This applies to myself as well. Putting myself in a box, labeling myself, or forming an identity based on something outside of myself does nothing but cause me problems. Avoiding all of that allows me to be at peace with myself and focus on who I am instead of what or how I think.

Try this for yourself if you want to see how it works. Get rid of all the boxes, labels, identities, and everything else that limits your perception of everyone (including yourself) and prevents communication rather than facilitating it. Instead of making assumptions about someone else, ask them what they think and why, and listen to them with the intent to understand. You don’t have to agree with them, just try to see why they see things the way they do. And when you talk about how you see things, forget the bumper sticker slogans, buzzwords, catchphrases, and all the other overly-simplistic stuff that stifles communication and prevents understanding. Use as many words as necessary to cover what you think and why you think that way. The more clearly you describe your ideas, the better your chances of making a meaningful connection with the people around you. If you decide to try this, please let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear your results.

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Better Than Nothing

I’m usually pretty driven when it comes to completing my daily routines. Even when my schedule is tight, I still manage more often than not to get everything done. But I occasionally have days in which I just feel off and have a much harder time finding the will to do anything on my list. On those days, I remind myself that even a small amount of work toward my goals is better than nothing.

For example, if I’m not excited about exercising on one of my gym days, I’ll go anyway and warm up. That way I’ll stay in the habit of going to the gym three times a week, which will allow me to make regular progress and prevent me from missing it for weeks or months at a time. Additionally, once I’ve finished warming up, I’ll typically feel better and be in the proper mindset to finish my normal workout. Similarly, if I don’t feel up to doing my usual amount of chinups, I’ll do one. I’ll stretch for a minute or two if anything more than that seems out of reach. And so on for everything else in my usual routine.

Most of what I do on a daily basis comes down to habit. If I go a day without working on one of my usual tasks, then it’s extremely easy for me to fall out of the habit of doing it and end up avoiding it for extended periods of time; getting back into it then becomes extremely difficult. Spending just a little bit of time every day keeps me on track with my routines and allows me to benefit from them. This also prevents me from being hard on myself since it lets me keep moving in the right direction while I take a bit of a break. I learned this life hack from How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big and, since I’ve adopted it, it’s made it much easier for me to navigate life. If you decide to try it out, I hope it works as well for you as it’s worked for me.

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Look for the Helpers

When he was a little kid, Mister Rogers’s mother encouraged him to “look for the helpers” in difficult times. Later in his life, he passed that same wisdom onto the rest of us. This is a good way to see stressful situations in a better, more balanced way. Whatever you focus on the most leaves the biggest impression on you, so you can either see the downside of a situation and feel terrible or see the upside and feel better. Looking at those who are helping is a great way to see the upside, as is doing what you can to help (more on that later).

You might be wondering where all the helpers are. Although it can sometimes be hard to see them, they’re out there doing what they can to make the world a better place. Unfortunately, they don’t get as much publicity as those who cause harm. The news primarily focuses on stories involving violence, pain, and controversy because those things draw more attention than stories about peace, love, and joy. You can find the helpers if you look for them, though. They’re out there giving their time and money to those who are in a difficult spot and need a hand.

There are always people who step up and help out in rough situations. And no matter what’s going on, you can step up and be a helper if you feel called to do so. Volunteering is an awesome thing to do, as is donating food, clothes, money, or other resources. If you can do nothing else, you can at least find out about those in need and contact someone who can step in to help them out. The internet has made it easier than ever to do all of this and allows people to move quickly to where they can do the most good. So if you’re upset about a recent tragedy, why not see what you can do to make a positive difference? You’ll be glad you did, and so will the people you helped.

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Thinking Outside the Box: Different Strokes for Different Folks

Although I haven’t traveled much outside the US or extensively studied other cultures, I’ve still been exposed to enough stuff to know that there are a lot of different ways to approach anything and everything in life. Learning about how people do things in different parts of the world has helped me get good at thinking outside the box and thinking of a number of potential solutions to modern problems. It can be easy to think small, so I decided to make a post about different ways to do some thing in order to encourage everyone (including myself) to think big. Without further ado, here we go.

  1. Communication: The first thing that comes to my mind when I think about some of the differences in communication is language. There are thousands of different languages spoken today, and with all of those languages comes a lot of variance in grammar, writing, slang, etc. Beyond language, there are different styles of communication. For example, some cultures put the burden of responsibility for good communication on the speaker while others place that burden on the listener. There are also different views on how people should speak to strangers, coworkers, friends, family members, and authority figures. This can result in surprise and misunderstandings when people travel from a culture they know well to one that they hardly know at all. However, this can also be a good thing in that it introduces them to different ways of doing things and, in the process, gives them an opportunity to improve their communication.
  2. Counting: This great video from Numberphile blew my mind when I first saw it. I had never put much thought into how something as seemingly simple as counting can differ from one culture to another. Everything from the words for certain numbers, symbols used to represent them, ways to write them out, and more can vary wildly depending on one’s location. Like the guy in the video says, this shows that math isn’t as much of a universal language as it appears to be.
  3. Thinking: Unlike most other things on this list, there’s no need to travel to another country or culture for this entry. Vast differences in thinking can easily be found within a small geographic area, even sometimes as small as a family living under one roof. Some people think in words, others think in pictures, and still others think conceptually. Other ways to think include (but are not limited to) creatively, logically, laterally, continuously, and intentionally. How someone thinks determines a lot about how they live, what decisions they make, and what they accomplish in life. It also affects the way they communicate and how well their message is received by other people who may think differently than them.
  4. Managing emotions: There are many different perspectives on how to properly manage emotions. Many of the differences come from how someone thinks about emotions, such as why we have them, what purpose they serve, and how we should use them. In some cultures, emotions like grief, sorrow, and anger are considered negative and are mostly kept hidden except during extremely difficult periods (such as the loss of a loved one). Emotions such as joy and happiness, meanwhile, are often considered to be positive and worth displaying in casual situations, though they might be considered inappropriate in more formal settings. There are also different approaches to moving on with certain emotions, such as working through them and then leaving them alone vs revisiting them occasionally to understand them better and receive greater healing.
  5. Community: Community has changed a lot over time. Technological and economic conditions have made it easier for people to keep to themselves, resulting in fewer interactions and a reduced tendency for people to take care of each other. However, some people who have chosen to live simpler lives still have strong community ties and receive whatever they can’t obtain on their own from their family members, friends, and neighbors. Additionally, even in more complicated cities, there are still examples of small communities based on shared interests in which participants get to know each other and, when needed, help one other. Despite all the changes it’s undergone, community is still alive and well if you know what to look for and where to look for it.
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