Acting Intentionally Instead of Automatically

Posted on November 4, 2019 by admin

Daylight saving time has got me thinking about how powerful forces outside ourselves can be. Most people I talk to regularly never say anything about daylight saving time and it hardly ever crosses my mind except when the clocks change. And yet it still happens twice a year with little to no real opposition, as if it were a fact of life (which it’s not since many countries don’t observe it and even a few US states have nothing to do with it). This isn’t the only thing that lots of people go along with automatically.

It’s easy to act in an automatic and reactionary manner. Culture, history, tradition, and expectations from your close circles exert a lot of pressure on you to act a certain way. That’s why there is much freedom in being able to act intentionally and proactively by being aware of your behavior and changing it if you’re dissatisfied with it. For example, some people strongly value certain traditions while others actively oppose them. I’m somewhere in between. While I certainly appreciate some traditions in my life (such as watching holiday movies and specials), I enjoy them for reasons other than the simple fact that they’re traditions. With any kind of tradition, I think it’s important to examine it and decide whether or not it’s worth doing. That way you can avoid becoming stuck in a routine or ritual that you’d rather avoid.

I hope this is coming across as I intended it to. I’m not trying to bash any of this stuff. If you’re familiar with some of my past posts on habits, you’ll know what I think about them. Good habits are incredibly useful and indispensable for effective living, but bad habits can be inefficient at best and disastrous at worst. That’s why I try to check in with myself once in a while to make sure that my habits are solid; if I see room for improvement, I’ll make improvements where I can. I want to be very intentional with how I live my life and a great way to do that is by building habits and routines around things that are worth doing. I’ve learned a lot about how to do this and I’m getting a little better at it every day.

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Stephen Covey: A Paradigm Shift

Posted on November 3, 2019 by admin

This is a story that Stephen Covey uses in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to demonstrate the power of paradigm shifts. Notice that nothing changes in the story except Covey’s perception on the situation; that one change made all the difference. I think about this occasionally when I see people who seem upset or angry. It’s true that we never know what most people around us are going through and how they may be hurting. A little kindness goes a long way. Without further ado, here is Covey’s story:

I remember a mini-paradigm shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly – some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.

Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh I’m so sorry! Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.

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Good Communication: The Way Forward

Posted on November 2, 2019 by admin

Sometimes I feel like a broken record on this blog. There are a few subjects that I regularly write about, sometimes from different angles but often from the same angles. Communication is one of those subjects. I’m sure I’ve said the same things about communication in at least half a dozen posts. That’s because I see communication as one of the most important subjects there is: capable of doing so much good when used properly and responsible for so much harm when used poorly. I’ve seen both of these outcomes firsthand many times, which is why I’ve spent so much time working to improve my communication skills and striving to overcome the habits that have been in place for most of my life. Although I’m no communication expert, I still pass on what I’ve learned in the hopes that it will help others who also want to improve.

I grow weary from seeing so many people talk at or past each other. That seems so unnecessary and counterproductive to me. However, I can’t say that I don’t understand why it happens. I spent a lot of my free time for several years arguing with people online and trying to pound my point of view into their heads. Looking back on that time serves as a reminder to both keep my priorities in check and to be careful with my words. I almost feel like I had to go through that experience to get it out of my system and learn why it’s not worth it. Plus it showed me how formulaic and predictable exchanges can be, which has come in handy in some ways.

So many exchanges would benefit tremendously if everyone involved avoided using overly-simplistic rhetoric that serves to obscure understanding rather than facilitate it. Failing that, it would still help a lot if more people put aside the urge to be right, sought to understand each other, and looked past the rhetoric to see what is actually being said. Nobody has to agree with someone in order to understand them and their positions; all it takes is a willingness to learn how they see the world. And there’s nothing wrong with saying “I don’t know” or “I may be wrong”. In fact, the willingness to say both of those statements is how meaningful connections are made and growth occurs.

Meeting negativity with more negativity only makes matters worse and prevents us from living in a much better, kinder world. To get there requires understanding, empathy, and love. That’s what will allow us to put aside our differences, see our many similarities, and work together to solve whatever problems arise along the way. Daryl Davis has figured this out and gotten it down to a science. Plenty of other people have shared their communication secrets through books, speeches, articles, and videos. They’re well worth checking out and, if used properly, they can change the world for the better. I’ve studied a lot of them and worked to incorporate them into my everyday exchanges, and they’ve made all the difference. We all have the ability to choose our words carefully and, in so doing, make a little progress toward a better future. Or we can continue repeating the same mistakes that have been passed down through the ages and remain trapped in darkness. I know which course I’m going to take. How about you?

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Efficient Time Management

Posted on November 1, 2019 by admin

For at least the last week, I had been meaning to write about something related to my work but I kept putting it off, saying “I’ll do it later.” However, when “later” arrived, I continued delaying getting started. This morning, I finally sat down after breakfast and got to work. I knew that if I never started it, I’d never finish it. So, even though I merely intended to start it, I nearly completed it in one go. There are a few things to add or tweak but most of it is done, and it took far less time than I’d thought it would.

I think the idea that that writing task would be difficult and take a long time is what kept me from doing for so long. There are some days in which I have little free time and others in which I have all the time in the world. I’ve noticed that when I have more time, I take a super leisurely approach to all my tasks and prioritize pleasure over productivity, almost as if I’m trying to make up for the days in which I have to be on point with my time management. Therefore, if I have the choice to either write about my job or play a video game, I tend to go for the latter option. This can occasionally get out of hand as, on some days, I’ll either get hardly anything meaningful done or I won’t start until shortly before going to bed.

Fortunately, my current life situation allows me to strike a better balance between productivity and pleasure than I’ve had for most of the last few years. In addition to changing jobs and making some important decisions about my approach to life, I’ve also had enough time to practice the time management lessons I’ve learned that they have become almost second nature to me. It’s now fairly easy for me to figure out how to complete important tasks quickly and efficiently so that I have plenty of time to relax and do more of the things I’d rather do. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is how I got good at managing my time and I highly recommend you check it out if you’re interested in learning more about this. Stephen Covey had a gift for explaining complicated subjects in plain English, so you’ll get a lot out of the book after just one reading. That’s all I’ve got for now, so take care and I’ll talk to you next time.

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Some of My Thoughts on Projection

Posted on October 31, 2019 by admin

There’s a simple exercise I’ve heard of for finding your shadow. Simply write on a piece of paper everything you dislike seeing in other people and then put your name at the top; that’s your shadow. Although I’ve done this as a thought experiment, I’d like to actually go through with it and see what I learn about myself. For now, though, I want to talk about projection, or seeing in other people what we dislike about ourselves.

I’ve been familiar with the concept of projection for a while now but I’ve only recently started seriously contemplating it. It makes a lot of sense to me. For example, if I’m getting upset at someone for being short-tempered, then am I not also allowing anger to control me? Yet it’s so much easier to see a particular behavior in someone else than it is to see it in myself. Additionally, I don’t know what set off the other person, but I know that I’m getting upset merely because they are. It’s entirely possible that their fuse is longer than mine and that they are showing more control of their emotions than I am. Either way, since I can’t make anyone else change their behavior, it’d be better for me to focus more on what I do and less on what anyone else does. I have at least some degree of control over my behavior and, I think, I’m steadily gaining more control as I work on self-improvement.

Noticing what I dislike in other people can be beneficial if I’m clever about it. It gives me an opportunity to pause and examine myself to see if there is something about myself that I can change. Once I do that, I can easily let go of whatever thoughts, emotions, or feelings are attached to the people around me and be at peace. The initial part of the process takes either a great deal of awareness of my own actions or a lot of love and understanding for other people (or both). Fortunately, as with everything else, this gets easier the more I do it. And, as I get better at it, it provides me with an increasing amount of peace and freedom, which makes all of this well worth the effort.

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Right Where I Need to Be

Posted on October 30, 2019 by admin

I can be pretty impatient with almost anything, especially self-improvement. Sometimes I’ll feel like I’m making no progress at all or actually regressing despite everything I’ve learned. What helps me during those moments is to think about moments of serendipity in my life. For example, the fact that I got Letting Go near the start of my most difficult season this year was a huge sign for me. It told me that, at this point, I can focus more on practicing what I know instead of always being on the lookout for the next big thing (although it’s still fine to learn new stuff as long as I don’t let that prevent me from using what I’ve already learned).

The farther along I get on this journey, the more I realize that part of the process is being patient and knowing that I’ll get to work on things when I’m ready for them. A common saying is that we learn to crawl before we learn to run, but there’s an example from my own life that resonates more strongly with me. The first time I tried to juggle while unicycling earlier this year, I managed to get it after a handful of attempts. However, that one successful attempt was years in the making. First I had to learn how to juggle, then I had to get good enough at juggling that I can keep the pattern going while focusing on other things (such as swing dancing, eating, or doing acroyoga. After that, I had to get good enough at unicycling that I could even attempt to juggle while going for a ride. A lot of practice went into learning each skill before I could even hope to combine them successfully; when I was ready to try them both together, it was fairly easy. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would have been if I had tried doing both at once before I had a decent grip on either of them, so I’m glad I waited as long as I did.

There is great value in having information in mind so that I’m prepared to use it when the moment arrives. I don’t think I’d have gotten nearly as much out of floating as I have if I hadn’t been meditating regularly, reading great books, and generally committed to self-improvement well before my first float. Being familiar with analyzing myself, watching my thoughts, and looking for ways to improve myself allowed floating to be an incredibly useful tool that has given me so many wonderful things and I’m glad I was well-prepared for it. So the next time I feel like I’m stuck in a rut or backsliding, I’m going to remind myself that I’m right where I need to be and, when I’m ready, I’ll be able to move forward once again. Sometimes moving forward requires taking one or more steps backward, and I’m slowly becoming ok with that.

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Review of Letting Go

Posted on October 29, 2019 by admin

Letting Go is the best book I’ve read this year. David Hawkins brilliantly addresses how to effectively manage unwanted thoughts, feelings, and emotions so that they don’t build up within us and cause problems. I got this book right when I needed it and it helped me through the most difficult season I’ve had in a long time. Here are some of the highlights.

Hawkins’ primary focus, letting go, is fairly simple to explain. It involves acknowledging whatever thoughts, feelings, or emotions arise, feeling them fully, and breathing through them without trying to resist them or bury them deep down inside us. Once we’ve given enough of this type of attention to a particular sensation, it will lose its power over us. Some sensations require more attention than others before they can be let go, but, in time, even the most difficult sensations can be fully released, leaving us feeling much lighter and freer afterward.

One of the points that resonated the most with me was the one that said thoughts aren’t painful; the emotions underneath the thoughts are what can hurt. Keeping this in mind makes it a little easier for me to work through difficult memories because it takes away the automatic expectation that thinking about them will cause me pain. It also helps me distance myself from the sensations in my head, which makes them much easier to let go. This may be especially helpful for people who don’t want to address their deep, dark memories for fear of being hurt by them. It could allow them to overcome their past and move forward in ways they never imagined possible.

Hawkins also discusses how we tend to project the qualities we dislike about ourselves onto other people. That’s something that I catch myself doing quite a bit when I’m being self-aware. Noticing this tendency is good in that it gives me an opportunity to work on surrendering to the negativity and accepting myself as I am. In addition to making me feel at peace with myself, this also improves my relationships with those around me.

Letting Go is a powerful book that’s packed with great stuff. However, as Hawkins says in there (and as I’ve learned the hard way), to truly see life-changing results requires constant practice. Working on this once in a while won’t do the trick, nor will practicing it only during difficult times. Surrendering has to become a way of life. Reading the results of surrendering constantly that Hawkins describes has reminded me of my own experiences of doing this before I got the book. That has gotten me intrigued and excited enough to make this a daily practice once again. I hope this has enticed you to read Letting Go so you can try it out for yourself. You’ll be so glad you did.

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The Calm After the Storm

Posted on October 28, 2019 by admin

Since I’m feeling much better now than I was for most of the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the calm after the storm. Things have settled down for me, most of my negative emotions have retreated, and I’m feeling much more like myself. I caught myself wondering how long this calm time will last before the next storm comes my way, which is something I routinely think about at the end of a difficult stretch. I’m certain that thinking this way does me more harm than good in several ways.

At the very least, expecting something bad to happen during a pleasant season takes away the joy of whatever good things are currently going on. Whether I’m learning some cool new life hacks, spending quality time with a few close friends, or just feeling at peace with everything, I’d rather focus on what I have than imagine how things could start going downhill. Additionally, what if expecting the worst is what’s causing the difficult times in my life? What if it’s attracting negative things, inclining me to make bad decisions, or making me overreact to a minor inconvenience and letting it ruin my day? In that case, I’d be wise to change my mindset sooner rather than later.

I know that staying present and surrendering to unwanted emotions is the way to stay in a good place and avoid the emotional roller coaster I seem to go through every few months. At this point, I hope that I’ve been through this cycle enough to remember to do this stuff each day. I’d prefer to see what it’s like to make this a permanent way of life than to endless repeat this lesson without ever learning it. We’ll see what happens.

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Living with the Shadow

Posted on October 27, 2019 by admin

There is a concept in psychology called the shadow. As I understand it, the shadow consists of whatever aspects of ourselves we unconsciously repress or consciously suppress. It is anything that we keep from others or even from ourselves, and this doesn’t mean just the parts of ourselves that we think are bad. Creativity, humor, certain opinions, and other things that are either neutral or might even be good can all become part of our shadow. The more we try to ignore our shadow, the more control it has over us in ways that become increasingly visible as well as destructive.

Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung postulated that the best way to manage the shadow is to bring it into the light by observing it and, eventually, embracing it. When your shadow is no longer allowed to move and grow with no conscious attention afforded to it, it will have less impact on your thoughts, words, and actions. Fully accepting it along with everything else that makes up your personality makes you whole. This is difficult for me to think about and even more difficult for me to do because of how I tend to approach this area.

I’m so used to thinking of these things in terms of struggle. Wrestling with God, resisting certain urges, and fighting elements I don’t like about myself. Plus there’s the story of the two wolves within us fighting for control, one good and one bad, and the one that wins is the one we feed; the idea there is to love one wolf and hate the other. But there’s another way to look at it, a way that fits perfectly with the post I made about Mara. Instead of looking at this as something to conquer and overcome, look at it as something to love and accept. This makes sense when I think about my interactions with other people. I can’t be at peace with someone if I’m constantly fighting with them, so how could I be at peace with myself if I’m constantly fighting myself? Additionally, since I have internal resistance whenever someone tries to control me, trying to control unwanted feelings within myself only strengthens them. Acknowledging whatever comes up and providing no resistance to it allows me to accept it, which causes it to evaporate shortly thereafter and leave me in a state of peace.

Most of the little knowledge I have on Carl Jung and the shadow came from this video that I watched while I ate breakfast this morning. Two more videos containing audio of Alan Watts talking about Jung and our dark side (or “rascal” side as Watts called it) gave me some incredible insights into my life and what I can do to become whole. In particular, something Watts said about showing ourselves the same love and compassion that we show to other people in need resonated deeply with me and made the light bulb go off. Since I listened to those three videos, I’ve felt much more peace than I have for most of this month and I really feel like this, along with everything I’m learning in Letting Go, is the way out of pain. I’m incredibly hopeful and optimistic about all of this. I hope this all makes sense and helps you live in peace with yourself.

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Wanting to Get Away

Posted on October 26, 2019 by admin

I’ve been wanting to get away. Not by going on a trip that I think I’ll enjoy but by getting in my car and driving across the country to start a new life. My whole life has been in the same city in the same state and I’m feeling extremely uncertain about where I’m going or even where I’m at right now, so the idea of starting over in a place where I don’t know anybody and nobody knows me sounds pretty appealing. Sometimes I think that getting away will solve some of my problems. However, when I look back on the big life changes that I’ve already made (such as the many times that I’ve changed jobs and social settings), I remember that the novelty of a new environment soon wears off for me and I fall into the same rut that I was in before the change.

That perspective has made me realize that if I don’t heal from my past, I’ll just keep repeating my same behavioral patterns no matter where I am or who I’m around. I’ll be sorely disappointed if I keep the same mindsets that have held me back for years, including the expectation that other people should change to suit me; that will keep me unsatisfied and feeling like an outsider everywhere. Alternatively, I can continue working on myself and take ownership of my inner state so that I decide how I react instead of giving that power to anyone else.

Maybe that’s what this season in my life is trying to teach me. Maybe it’s saying “You know what to do, now here are several opportunities to practice it so that it becomes natural”. The journey I’m on might have caused me to be in these situations or they could have arisen even if I’d never learned anything about self-improvement. Either way, I’ll try to be patient and work through all this one day at a time. Wherever it’s taking me, I’m content to see it through to completion.

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