Working Through Pain

Posted on October 2, 2019 by admin

Working through pain instead of trying to bury it has been integral to my personal growth. I’ve discovered that I’ll continue repeating lessons until I’ve learned them and that trying to avoid learning them only adds to my burden and, often, results in me learning the hard way. Avoiding certain people and situations isn’t sufficient, although it can be an essential aspect of the healing process, especially if I’m trying to get away from abuse. Without examining myself and figuring out what I need to change, however, I’ll simply keep ending up around similar people in similar situations. Fortunately there is a way to stop this cycle and be free.

When something keeps coming up in my life, I take it as a sign that I need to work on it. To do that, I’ll move to a place with as few distractions as possible, go as deeply as I can into whatever issue is on my mind, and allow myself to fully feel everything that comes up without trying to shut anything down or rush through it. Sometimes I’ll describe what I’m feeling to someone I trust, but that isn’t essential and it’s not always an option or even desirable. If nobody is around, I can talk myself through this, reminding myself when necessary that I’m ok and can continue working through whatever comes up. Total honesty is crucial here; if I’m dishonest with myself about anything that’s happening, I’ll just make the process longer and more difficult than it needs to be. Once I’ve fully experienced a certain kind of pain, it loses its power over me and becomes a harmless memory. That sometimes requires multiple sessions and a few different approaches, but it’s always worth it.

Even though I’ve gotten more comfortable with this process, I still don’t like doing it. I’d rather stick to things that are lighthearted and enjoyable and ignore the things that lurk in my shadow. However, I still make an effort at least once a week to work through something painful because I know it will make my life better. I’ll have much more personal freedom once I’ve healed that pain and am no longer controlled by it. I appreciate the feeling of lightness that comes with freeing myself from pain, which also makes me much more capable of handling whatever situation I’m in, even the difficult ones. Healing can be a painful process, whether the pain is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, but I’m willing to go through the pain and the discomfort since I know that there is peace on the other side.

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Classic City Swing 8

Posted on October 1, 2019 by admin

Classic City Swing 8 was the last weekend in September in Athens, Georgia, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. So far, this is the only swing dance workshop I’ve attended more than once. Just like last year, I also visited some friends in Atlanta before and after the event. Here are some highlights from this past weekend.

After unintentionally sleeping in, I braved the morning traffic and went in for my eighth straight float. I wanted to get some peace and quiet before the long drive. That float also gave me some time to focus and mentally walk through everything I still had to do to be ready to go. Then I went home, ate a good breakfast, finished packing, prepared my car, and hit the road. It was about 11:30 by then but I didn’t mind. I was just happy to have all that preparation behind me and started relaxing as I looked forward to my destination. After many hours of driving and one stop for gas, I finally met my friends in Atlanta. We had breakfast for dinner and hung out for a while before going to sleep as everyone was pretty tired by that point. I was glad to see them again and to be out of the crazy traffic for the night. It was a great start to my trip.

I slept in about an hour later on Friday than I had the day before. Since I went to bed at a good time and had been getting insufficient sleep for more than a week, I felt more refreshed than I had in a long time. After breakfast, I continued my visit, which included unicycling for them, until it was time for me to leave in the afternoon. I packed up my stuff, said goodbye, and grabbed some food on the way to Athens. The drive was pretty straightforward even though, like last year, it took me well over two hours due to the heavy traffic that time of day. I ended up getting to the University of Georgia Campus a little after 8. Although the main dance had started by then, the band didn’t start until around 8:30, and most of the other folks from Jacksonville didn’t arrive until much later. I enjoyed listening to the band, dancing, and hanging out with both familiar and unfamiliar faces that night. I stuck around for a good bit of the late night dance, which fortunately was also at the same campus, and met up with most of the rest of the Jacksonville folks before heading to my Airbnb and calling it a day.

We had a good breakfast the next morning and then went back to the campus for the level placement auditions. I got into the Intermediate/Advanced track last year and figured I could get into the Intermediate Plus track this year. However, much to my surprise, I ended up in the Intermediate track. Despite this unexpected turn of events, I managed to get engrossed in the lesson taught by instructors Jon Tigert and Jenna Applegarth. I got several reminders of things that I normally forget when I’m social dancing, especially related to the Lindy circle. Periodic reminders of technical things are helpful since they allow for better communication between myself and my dance partners, which ultimately results in better, more enjoyable dancing. During the lunch break, I walked over to Killer Burgers, a place with great food and no lines. I had a wonderful conversation with someone else from Jacksonville both while we ate and as we rode back to the campus in an Uber after lunch.

The afternoon lesson with instructors Mikey Pedroza and Nikki Marvin also went well. They focused a lot on swingouts and mixing up the timing, which is something I hardly ever do but might start doing more since I feel like I now have a better understanding of it. I took the large block of time after that lesson to go off by myself and recharge for a bit. I found a place that I could unicycle for long enough to get some good practice in without careening down a hill or riding over a ton of bumps. Once I finished with that, I felt much better due to the solitude and headed back to the Airbnb. I laid on my sofa bed and rested a bit more before showering and getting dressed for the main dance.

A group of us went to Mellow Mushroom for dinner that night. It was busy and we had been unable to get a reservation, so we walked around the city for a while and then hung out at the bar until our table was ready. I had predicted that they’d do something to celebrate my birthday during that trip and I turned out to be correct: they got me two coconut cakes, sang Happy Birthday to me, got me some thoughtful cards with nice puns, and covered my dinner. I enjoyed the festivities and had fun talking to everyone at the table. It felt wonderful to be so appreciated by the folks in my dance scene. At the main dance, I had fun dancing with most of the Jacksonville dancers and several from other scenes that I had met during the weekend. I missed most of the late dance due to going out for ice cream at Ben & Jerry’s. Once I found a parking spot, I met up with some other folks from Florida, got some milk and cookies ice cream (tasty but not my favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavor), and hung out with them outside the shop before we said good night and parted ways. I danced in the wonderful, air conditioned blues room for a little while before deciding to turn in. I drove back to the Airbnb with a friend from Jacksonville for some much needed sleep.

My first lesson on Sunday was with instructors Peter Kertz and Elze Visnevskyte. They focused a lot on the swingout and had us feeling pretty good about them by the end. That’s unusual for me as I’m usually so worn out by this time that I have trouble with things that are normally easy for me, so this was a nice change of pace. I had ordered a catered lunch that day, so after I got my food, I went to Panda Express with some Jacksonville and Gainesville dancers. Sleep deprivation was in full force during that conversation as we talked about all kinds of weird, goofy, and unusual things and laughed hysterically at ourselves. When we got back to the campus, we had the opportunity to choose from several elective lessons. I chose Swinging Slow, which focused on solo dancing and included learning some choreography that Elze had developed. I was tired, sore, and mentally out of it by that point, but I pushed through and did the routine as best as I could. I was proud of myself for getting through it without giving up. I ended up skipping the second elective, so I said goodbye to some Jacksonville folks who were leaving for home. Instead of dancing, I unicycled, refilled my water bottles, and went back to the Airbnb. I helped one of my housemates clean the kitchen before they headed to the farewell dance. I then worked on some of my own interests, showered, and packed all of my stuff (in addition to grabbing a few things that the others had forgotten) before locking up the place and heading out. I decided to skip the farewell dance this year, so I got some food and gas and drove back to Atlanta.

I got in about an hour earlier than I did the previous year and the drive was much shorter than it had been on Friday since there was almost no traffic on Sunday night. I met up with my friends, told them about parts of the event as they watched football before we all went to bed, once again exhausted from our busy weekends. I finished my daily activities, stretched out, and then went to sleep. I woke up the next morning feeling pretty refreshed despite my busy weekend and sleep deprivation. I enjoyed the remainder of our visit until I had to leave. Although I was planning to leave around 3, it ended up being closer to 4 since I didn’t want to go. I’m glad it worked out that way since, despite getting caught in some heavy traffic, it gave me more time to spend with everyone and still got me home shortly after 10. I hope to visit with them again soon, especially since we don’t get to see each other more than a few times a year. I grabbed some food, hit the road, and stopped for gas once on the way home.

On my long drive back to Jacksonville, I worked through a number of things, including the pain I felt about not making Intermediate Plus this year. That, along with listening to David Goggins on Joe Rogan’s podcast, reminded me of the value of facing pain and fears instead of avoiding them as I used to do. Once I had fully explored my feelings on my level placement, I felt much better and moved on to thinking about other subjects. Additionally, this trip served as both a much-needed break from my regular life and a reminder of the kind of life that I’d like to live. Having several days off from work along with time and money to do what I wanted was wonderful. Staying away from social media for the most part also helped a lot, as did getting plenty of time to myself. I felt more free on this trip, especially during my alone time, than I had in a long time. It was a wonderful taste of what can and will be once I get some things sorted out for myself. The timing was also helpful since the trip coincided with a major turning point in my life and gave me some space to think about my future. Although the trip wasn’t quite as smooth or enjoyable as it was last year, I still enjoyed it and got a lot of good things out of it. It can be its own thing rather than trying to compete with past or future events, and that’s fine. It may not have been exactly what I wanted but it was probably exactly what I needed. Thanks to everyone who made this another great road trip. I appreciate you and I’m grateful for the things you’ve added to my life.

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The Daily Stoic: “Maintain Composure, Maintain Control”

Posted on September 30, 2019 by admin

I’ve gotten much better at staying calm under pressure over the past year. One of the most helpful things I’ve found for this is taking positive action rather than dwelling on the anxious energy I feel in a stressful situation. I also frequently use affirmations to relax myself and push through the fear. And, no matter what happens in any given situation, I always manage to walk away at the end of it; the fear is more often than not worse than the actual event. I appreciate reminders from The Daily Stoic of things like this and I enjoy passing them along so you can enjoy them as well.

“When forced, as it seems, by circumstances into utter confusion, get a hold of yourself quickly. Don’t be locked out of the rhythm any longer than necessary. You’ll be able to keep the heat if you are constantly returning to it.”

-Marculs Aurelius, Meditations, 6.11

We’re going to get caught off guard from time to time. Not just by “black swan” type events – a terrorist attack or a financial panic – but also by minor, unexpected occurrences. Your car battery dies, your friend cancels at the last minute, you suddenly don’t feel well. These situations have a way of throwing us into confusion and disarray. We’ve made an assumption about the world and built plans of top of that assumption. Now that the assumption has collapsed, so too might our organization or understanding.

That’s perfectly OK! It happens. A line of infantrymen will face withering attacks – what’s key is that they don’t allow chaos to reign. Musicians will experience technical difficulties and lose their place from time to time. In both cases, it just matters that they get back into position as quickly as possible.

The same is true for you today. The order and the peace might be interrupted by a new circumstance. OK. Get a hold of yourself and find your way back.

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Replicating the Benefits of Floating

Posted on September 29, 2019 by admin

At the time of this writing, I’ve floated for seven days in a row and hope to make it to day eight before taking a break. These daily floats have made me feel wonderful and allowed me to easily handle whatever life throws me; they’ve given me an attitude of “I’ll be ok” no matter what happens. I feel so much better than I usually do that I’m concerned about losing this feeling and its positive effects when I go back to floating once or twice a week. The question I’ve had in the back of my head ever since I started thinking about this is how can I stay in this good place without floating every day?

I think I now have an answer to that question. During one of my floats last week, I started thinking about why floating makes me feel so good and how I might be able to reproduce some of its affects in my daily life. One thing that’s been consistent throughout all of my floats has been the quiet time to myself that they’ve given me. Although I may not be able to replicate this to the same extent outside of a float, quiet time away from everyone else is something I can easily arrange for myself. I already meditate a few times a day, so it would be no problem for me to take some extra time to do that in a calm, quiet place. That would also get me away from social media, which is another benefit I get from floating. Some of the stuff on my newsfeed is incredibly negative but even the stuff that’s positive or neutral can still be draining if I’m looking at it constantly. I feel better after taking a break from it for a while so that could be another good way to get a benefit from floating without getting in the pod. That’s all I’ve got for now but I’m sure I’ll think of more things to do as I go.

The thought occurred to me that I may be getting addicted to floating since I’m concerned about how I’ll feel when I take some time away from it. Looking at it that way motivated me even more to figure out how to feel good and navigate life without relying on floating. I want everything I use, whether it’s floating, meditation, breath work, or any other life hacks, to be my tools rather than my master; those things should all enhance my life, not control it. I’m feeling pretty good now about this plan and I’m looking forward to seeing what happens when I step back from floating every day and try something else.

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Review of Never Split the Difference

Posted on September 28, 2019 by admin

Never Split the Difference is a wonderful book by Chris Voss. Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, shares the techniques he used to secure the safe release of hostages from their captors and gives examples of how we can use those same techniques in our own lives. Here are some of the things from the book that really stuck out to me.

The foundation of Voss’s work consisted of empathizing with the captors and demonstrating to them that he understood what they were saying. To accomplish this, he would, among other things, repeat back to them a few key words that they said, restate their points in his own words, ask plenty of open-ended questions and give them space to answer them, and control his own emotions so as to create a calm atmosphere to relax the captors. This approach allowed him to persuade most captors to release their hostages without harming them or let down their guard so the hostages could escape. In some cases, he was even able to free hostages without paying any ransom money at all. That shows how effective these techniques are for dealing with angry, violent people in highly dangerous situations.

Voss also includes examples of these techniques in everyday life from both his own experience and the experiences of those he teaches to negotiate. He shows how they can be used to get a better deal when buying a vehicle, improve a difficult business relationship, and ensure that someone with whom you’ve made a deal holds up their side of the bargain. Additionally, he includes an example of how even a negotiation that starts off well can end badly if someone loses their temper and starts attacking the other person. This shows the importance of controlling oneself in order to have any hope of a successful negotiation.

Never Split the Difference was a fantastic read that reminded me of several things I already knew and introduced me to some new things as well. I’m particularly interested in the techniques Voss describes for their potential to defuse tense situations. If they can be used to free hostages from life-or-death situations without anyone getting hurt or killed, why couldn’t they work to calm down angry customers, employers, friends, family members, and strangers? The limited amount of practice I’ve had with some of these techniques since I read the book has already drastically improved my communication and listening abilities and shown me that Voss’s recommendations do indeed work. In addition to asking open-ended questions, something that’s particularly helped me is focusing on the real problem of resolving the underlying issue rather than getting upset at anyone else involved in the situation. I’m excited to continue practicing what I’ve learned from Never Split the Difference and seeing what it does for me. And, as usual with these book reviews, I encourage you to check this one out if you’re interested in this subject.

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Floating to Different Frequencies: My Experiences

Posted on September 27, 2019 by admin

Earlier this week, I finished an amazing experiment. I found a list of frequencies to try during meditation and decided to see what would happen if I listened to them while floating. All of them relaxed me, I got some great insights from nearly every one of them, some were extremely powerful, and others were much more mild in their effects. Here are some highlights from the notes I made after each of those floats.

174 hz: I drifted in and out of sleep toward the end of this float, which felt like several hours even though it was just one. The frequency was relaxing and kept me focused on positive stuff the whole time. That’s about all I remember from this float.

285 hz: This frequency was super relaxing. Like the previous one, I drifted in and out of sleep a few times. Something I’ve noticed lately in many of my floats is that I tend to get restless and want to move around after a while whereas I normally feel comfortable staying still the whole time. In this float, I stayed still early on and got restless toward the end. Still, I felt good overall in the pod and I felt great afterward.

396 hz: I stayed awake during this float, though I didn’t try to sleep or stay awake in any of them; I just went in without expectations and embraced whatever happened. Apart from stretching out a bit toward the end, I was comfortable to stay still most of the time. I found it easy to work through things that I struggle with without feeling angry, sad, or any other negative emotions that normally accompany this process.

417 hz: I drifted in and out of sleep and still had some good insights. These include the fact that everyone is in their head and approaches life from their own level of understanding, it’s best to have compassion and understanding for everyone, and that we all live in an incredibly beautiful world. I also desired peace with everyone during that frequency and found it easy to shrug off things that would normally get to me. Afterward, I felt super relaxed and “cleansed”, as if I had worked through a lot of emotional gunk. Lastly, and I don’t know what this was about, but I saw colored lights a few times when I tuned into the frequency even though there were no lights on in the pod for most of my float. Whatever it means, it was cool and made this one a little extra memorable.

432 hz: This was by far the best frequency I tried and gave me one of my best floats ever. It was incredibly similar to my first float in that time melted away, I lost track of myself and my life outside the pod, and felt one with everything in the universe. I felt wonderful almost the whole time, stayed awake from beginning to end, felt like I was floating in love, and was happy and laughing when I got out afterward. This frequency also gave me more insights than any other one I tried. The ones I remember included the understanding that I’ll be fine no matter what happens to me in life or in death, our lives continue even after our bodies die, I can think back to how I felt during this float (or any of my other excellent floats) to feel better if I get stressed, I’m better off making and holding space for insights and answers instead of trying to force them, the float pod is the safest place in the world because I can feel fine regardless of what I think about in there, and floating has the potential to enlighten the world if enough people do it regularly. I look forward to floating to this frequency many more times and seeing what it does for me each time.

528 hz: Another frequency that gave me a lot of good insights and made me feel incredibly comfortable. I realized how important it is to have empathy for other people, that I can work through things in the pod as I feel drawn to address them, that everyone should float but I can hold space for those who can’t or won’t, acknowledge resistance and then work around it, use my gifts to heal people who are hurting, I am enough, and feel the fear and do it anyway. As I received all this good stuff, it was easy for me to stay still and relax, which made this a very nice frequency to use in a float.

639 hz: I think I fell asleep a time or two to this frequency. Unlike some of the others, I stretched and moved a lot. The only insight I remember getting was that inner transformation is better than superficial external changes. Also, I saw white bright lights a few times in total darkness; I may have been dreaming when this happened, though it was hard to tell in this float.

741 hz: Sometimes my legs feel super restless when I float, although they felt fine in this one. As I stretched a bit, I also worked through a difficult situation in my head, reminded myself that I’ll be ok, remembered the importance of surrender and loving-kindness, and dedicated myself to focus on solving problems rather than attacking other people. The biggest insight I got out of this float had to do with personal responsibility for how I’m feeling: if I’m not responsible for anyone else’s mood, is anyone else responsible for mine? Ultimately, I get to decide how to respond to whatever happens to me, so I’m going to work on remembering that and do my best to avoid giving anyone else the power to control how I feel.

852 hz: The water felt cooler than usual in this float but I still enjoyed it. This was the first float in a while in which I ate breakfast before going in, which may have contributed to the upset stomach I experienced several times. Despite feeling uneasy some of the time due to my stomach and some stress from thinking about an upcoming event, nothing bad ended up happening in there. I repeated some calming affirmations, reminded myself to surrender and stay in the present moment, and detach and observe my behavior from outside myself. This was a good reminder to me that even floats that are far from ideal can still be relaxing and insightful if I approach them correctly.

963 hz: This frequency felt like a nice way to end the experiment. After working through a lot of difficult stuff and receiving so many insights from the other floats, it was refreshing to just have a chance to relax. My mind wandered through many different things without getting stuck on any one thing in particular. I did get some insights and reminders, however, such as I’ll be fine, adopt a problem-solving mindset rather than a complaining one, get more sleep, and figure out how to keep the good feelings I get from floating even when I’m not doing it every day.

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The Daily Stoic: “How Can You Know If You’ve Never Been Tested?”

Posted on September 26, 2019 by admin

This entry from The Daily Stoic resonates quite strongly with me. When I think back to the most difficult season of my life, I can become sad or angry at how much it hurt to go through everything that happened. However, I can also think of how I made it through that time and the ways it directed me toward most of the wonderful things I have in my life right now. Swing dancing, self-improvement, several of my closest friendships, and plenty more all either came shortly after that experience or as a direct result of it. As painful as it was at the time, I’m now grateful for what I learned during that time. While I wouldn’t wish suffering on anyone, I’d hope that any suffering they do experience ends up strengthening them and showing them how capable they are.

“I judge you unfortunate because you have never lived through misfortune. You have passed through life without an opponent – no one can ever know what you are capable of, not even you.”

-Seneca, On Providence, 4.3

Most people who have gone through difficult periods in their life come to later wear those experiences as badges of honor. “Those were the days,” they might say, even though they now live in much better circumstances. “To be young and hungry again,” another might say wistfully. “It was the best thing that ever happened to em,” or “I wouldn’t change a thing about it.” As tough as those periods were, they were ultimately formative experiences. They made those people who they are.

There’s another benefit of so-called misfortune. Having experienced and survived it, we walk away with a better understanding of our own capacity and inner strength. Passing a trial by fire is empowering because you know that in the future you can survive similar adversity. “What does not kill me makes me stronger,” Nietzsche said.

So today if things look like they might take a bad turn or your luck might change, why worry? This might be one of those formative experiences you will be grateful for later.

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The SAM Strategy

Posted on September 25, 2019 by admin

This is generally what I do, or at least what I try to do, when I’m in a stressful situation. When I can manage to follow a strategy close to this, it always makes me feel better and allows me to better handle whatever situation I’m in. I realized afterward that the first letters of each step spell out “SAM”, so I’ll call this the SAM Strategy. If you ever feel overwhelmed and need help getting through a tough situation, just think of our good friend SAM.

  1. Stop: Stop whatever you’re doing so you can focus on grounding yourself. You have many options available for this. Focusing on your breath, breathing more slowly on the exhale than you did on the inhale, mentally describing or counting things you see around you, thinking about one of your favorite memories, and even leaving the situation for a few minutes if possible are some ways you can use to center yourself and let your body know that everything is ok. If you’re talking to another person, you can ask them an open-ended question that’s relevant to the situation. That takes their focus off of you for a bit and gives you some time to listen, which may very well solve whatever issue is occurring. Your goal here is to get out of the story that your mind is telling you so that you can calm down, see the situation more clearly, and then move onto the next step.
  2. Act: Once you’ve calmed yourself, take some positive action. Anything that puts you in a better position than you’re currently in (eating, drinking water, taking a nap, working on an important task, etc) is fair game here. Taking positive action gives you something to focus on and prevents you from being paralyzed by anxiety, which can easily cause you to become overwhelmed once again. Once you’ve done that, you’re ready for the final step.
  3. Move on: Do your best to move past that situation after it’s over. It’s tempting to go over it repeatedly in your head, think about what you did versus what you could have done, etc. Rather than dwelling on the situation or trying to force it out of your mind, move on to something else that requires a lot of attention. Just like in the second step, this will help you avoid becoming overwhelmed or get stuck thinking about what just happened. If you do this right, you’ll soon become engrossed in whatever you’re doing and forget all about that previous situation. Then, if you happen to think about it later once you’ve physically and mentally moved on from it, you won’t be nearly as upset by it as you were earlier.
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Life Lessons from a Car Tire

Posted on September 24, 2019 by admin

Last week, the low tire pressure indicator in my car came on, so I filled all the tires and went on my way. The indicator came back on a few days later, so I found out which tire was low and filled it up. I figured at that point that the tire probably had a slow leak so I kept adding air as needed and got it patched this morning. I’m glad to have that behind me but it did get me thinking about several things.

For starters, I stayed on top of this situation much better than I did in a similar situation two years ago. My failure to properly address a leaky tire at that time caused a massive blowout that also damaged my car during a road trip. It took away a lot of my time and cost me a good bit of money to replace the tire and repair the damage. Ever since then, I’ve been scrupulous at keeping my tires properly inflated so that I don’t have to go through any of that trouble again. I learned the hard way that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure and that’s a lesson that I’m not going to forget.

My other thought on this concerns what happened last night. After I got off work, I was adding air to the leaky tire when my portable air compressor broke down. I’d had it for years and used it many times, so that plus the fact that it was relatively cheap means that I probably got my money’s worth out of it. Still, it surprised me and made me a bit frustrated. I tried seeing if the car place across the street could fill or patch the tire but it could not. Then someone at the nearby convenience store told me about a place a few blocks away that might be able to help me; the place was closed by the time I got there. Fortunately, a nearby gas station had an air pump and, after buying something in the store so I’d have some change to use at the pump, I refilled the tire and set off for home. Even though I got discouraged and frustrated a few times, I mostly stayed focused on solving problems rather than complaining about the situation. As a result, I got the problem solved fairly quickly and I’m not dwelling on that experience like I would be if I had gotten too emotionally invested in it.

I think the fact that yesterday was my fifth straight day of floating helped me a lot, both in last night’s situation as well as in every other area of my life. I’ve felt much more calm as of late and I can slow down and think of different plans to address unexpected difficulties instead of getting overwhelmed by them and becoming paralyzed from indecision. Taking a calm, positive approach to whatever happens has done me a lot of good and, although floating every day for almost a week now has helped remind me of this, I hope I’ll figure out how to remember it and live by it every day whether I float or not.

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Communication in Difficult Situations

Posted on September 23, 2019 by admin

In The Righteous Mind, Jonathan Haidt says that it’s easier for us to find errors in other people’s thinking than in our own thinking. Lately, I’ve noticed this in myself with regards to communication. I’ve learned enough about communication to usually see where the people involved in a hostile exchange went wrong and what they could have done to make it go much more smoothly. However, I have an incredibly hard time doing this when I get involved in one of those exchanges. No matter who initiates it, I almost always feel my heart start racing, my temperature rising, and my adrenaline flowing. It’s difficult for me to reign myself in and remember the important aspects of good communication that I talk about so frequently on this blog.

As with everything else in my life, I think there are ways to resolve this. For example, Haidt talks about the value of involving other people in the search for truth. Properly-run collaborative groups allow people can present their ideas to each other in the hopes of fixing as many problems in an idea or proposition as possible. Having input from many different people means that some of them will notice mistakes that others missed. So I can seek feedback from those around me as to how I can improve my communication when I’m stressed. That will probably be difficult for me to do when my emotions are running rampant but if that feedback prevents me from making a huge mess for myself, it will be well worth it.

Something else I can do is practice “stepping back” from any situation I’m in. This can be as simple as pausing to take some deep breaths before I speak. Listening to what others have to say without working on a response is also highly effective at facilitating good communication. And one technique that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is trying to see myself and my behavior from someone else’s perspective. Observing what I’m doing as if I were watching another person can help me see whether or not I’m staying true to my values. Of course, none of these approaches will work if I forget about them or refuse to use them. One way to avoid falling into that trap could be to practice these things in calm, civil situations so that they become second nature to me; that should make them easier to use in stressful, difficult situations. I’m interested to see how it goes with these things and, as always, I’ll keep you updated on whatever happens.

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