A Tale of Two Years

This year has been quite different for me than the previous year. Both have been amazing in their own ways and they have a lot of overlap, but they are definitely distinct from one another. I think this is a good thing as what I needed in 2018 was probably different than what I needed in 2019. Here’s what I mean.

Overall, 2018 consisted of starting over after the roller coaster that was 2017. Although I met a lot of new people, traveled to some new places, and tried a lot of new things, it still felt pretty calm and safe. That stability allowed me to learn a lot from all the books I read and helped me avoid repeating many of my past mistakes. However, it was such a comfortable year for me that I ended up suppressing and repressing a lot of painful stuff from previous years. Despite the growth I experienced during, I left 2018 with a lot of stones unturned.

Even though the first half of 2019 was pretty much a continuation of last year, as a whole, it hasn’t been nearly as smooth for me as 2018 was. That’s ok, though, since it’s given me many more opportunities for personal growth and allowed me to work through a lot of the stuff that I didn’t address last year. I’m getting a feel for letting go of much of my emotional baggage instead of just burying it deep under the surface and ignoring it. The more I learn and the more I work through, the more I realize that I’ve just barely scratched the surface of self-improvement and have a lot more room for growth.

I’m glad that I had such a big break in 2018. It was a welcome change from the chaos of 2017 and prepared me wonderfully for the challenges of 2019. I don’t know what the remainder of this year has in store for me, let alone what 2020 will bring, but I plan to take things one day at a time and continue working through whatever comes up along the way. That way, whether any given year or season is difficult or easy, I’ll be able to learn from whatever happens and be that much better off for it.

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Quality Posts

It’s becoming increasingly more difficult for me to think of new blog posts. What’s been even more difficult lately is writing them; I have trouble with sitting down to work on posts as well as structuring them and finding the right words to use. Between procrastination and writer’s block, I have very little time to get them out and often end up making just a few changes to the first or second draft I write. I’m concerned that the quality of my posts isn’t what it could be or even what it was earlier on when I had tons of ideas.

Nobody has mentioned anything about this to me, so that is comforting. And, as long as you can still understand what I’m trying to say and find value in it, then I’ve succeeded in getting my thoughts across. However, I try to continually improve at whatever I’m doing and, whenever I look back on something I’ve done, I always see things I could have done better. I also tend to get used to doing things a certain way and often end up forgetting to focus on small details that make a big difference. So even if others enjoy my posts as they are, I still want to make sure they live up to my own standards.

I’m looking forward to switching to posting once a week in 2020. That’ll give me much more time to think of new things to discuss and write quality posts before sharing them. I’ll also have more flexibility and energy with which to pursue my other interests. That’s my take on all of this, and now I’d like to hear from you. How do you think my posts have been over the past few months in terms of originality, interest, and quality? Let me know what you think and I’ll see you in the next post.

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Pursuing Meaning

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl asserts that we are all driven to find meaning in life. Sometimes I have trouble with this concept as so much of what goes on today seems meaningless. However, I just recently realized that this may not be the case. Something that’s meaningful to me might not be meaningful to you and vice versa. So any action, gesture, or speech act can be incredibly meaningful to the right person.

As with communication rhythms and The 5 Love Languages, I think that there can be some difficulty when two people find different things meaningful interact. Someone who loves deep conversations might have trouble relating to someone who prefers lighthearted exchanges, someone who wants to have kids probably wouldn’t be a good match for someone who wants no kids, a nomad may not see eye-to-eye with a person who has lived in one place their whole life, etc. It can be difficult to tell what someone finds meaningful until a good while after meeting them, so early interactions can be awkward until two people either find some way to connect with each other or realize they don’t connect and look for other people who will understand them.

It’s interesting to think about my own interactions with other people and how they’ve changed over time. With some people, I’ve found out just how much I have in common with them and we’ve gradually become closer as we’ve gotten to know each other better. With others, it seemed like we had a lot in common initially but later found out that our interests overlap only slightly. Figuring out who I really click with and who I don’t has vastly improved my interactions and made me more comfortable around those whom I see regularly. Additionally, realizing that everybody has their own idea of meaningfulness and may very well be pursuing it each day has reignited my hope and burned away some of the cynicism that had started growing in my subconscious. Now I’m much better able to enjoy the present and I’m even more optimistic for the future.

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Turning Two Days into a Week

I had a rare two days off in a row but they felt more like a week. I think that’s mostly because I did a lot of stuff on Tuesday and then had a much more relaxed day Wednesday, so it was a good balance of busyness and calmness. Here are the highlights from those two days.

On Tuesday, I hit the ground running and didn’t stop for most of the day. The first thing I did was take a tour of Sweet Pete’s Candy Shop with a friend. Once the tour ended and we took some pictures, I bought a bottle of some good sarsaparilla (better known as root beer) and enjoyed that as we did a few more things in the downtown area. After that, I bought a tire, got some lunch, and went to a self-defense lesson that I’ve been attending for a few weeks now. The instructor and I both juggled a bit for the first class before the later class started. I had fun and learned a lot during that lesson, and then I enjoyed slowing down and having some time to myself at home.

I got an early start on Wednesday to the few things I did that day. In addition to having the tire installed on my car, I also got some special food for my dog from RawMade Services, went to the gym, and tuned in to a meditation call in the evening. Of course, I went through the usual activities in my daily routine as well, but I had plenty of time to relax and enjoy some quiet time.

It had been a good while since I’d slowed down time and packed as much stuff into two days as I did this week. I’ve gotten sufficient sleep (or close to it) for most of this week and carved out lots of time to myself, and I started this morning with an amazing float, so I feel great despite Tuesday’s busyness. Having two days off in a row is a rare treat for me and I try to make good use of it whenever I get it. I’m satisfied with what I did this time and I hope I’ll be able to say the same next time around.

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Unintended Consequences

There are consequences for everything you decide to do (and everything you refrain from doing). Some of those consequences are unintended and can’t be easily foreseen or protected against. People may react differently to your proposal than you thought they would, your plan might work better on paper than in practice, you could be incapable of acting as you had intended that day due to sickness or bad news, etc. There are so many variables in any situation, and many of those variables are outside of your control.

Whether your intentions are good or bad, any plan you make will have consequences that you didn’t anticipate. The more complex the plan, the more unforeseen and unintended consequences there will be. If you’re trying to solve a major problem, carefully examine every side of it and get as much information as you can about it before deciding on a solution. Failure to do so can result in no change whatsoever or, at worst, complete disaster. That’s why I recommend starting by solving lots of simple problems and gaining many small victories before moving on to more challenging problems. It’s wonderful to want to solve big problems but make sure you approach them in a way that doesn’t make bad situations worse. After all, good intentions don’t protect people from bad ideas and poor solutions.

I try to keep this stuff in mind whenever I make plans. Doing so helps me remember that I never know what the full impact of my actions will be. Sometimes I find it useful to think of stories involving someone being rude to another person on the way to a job interview only to find out that they were rude to the interviewer. Additionally, when I enter a business, I often remember how it feels to be on the receiving end of customer abuse. Both of those life hacks remind me to treat others well and act as if everyone is doing their best. That way, no matter what happens or what anyone else is going through, I can react in a way that brings peace to myself and, ideally, those around me. Even though I face many uncertainties and unintended consequences each day, I’ve gotten better at acting effectively to make the most of my situation, and I’ve only just begun.

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An Example of Following My Own Advice

Yesterday, I took my own advice: I listened to my body and gave it what it needed. For whatever reason, I developed a headache toward the end of my shift at work. It wasn’t debilitating but, like all headaches, it was unpleasant and unwelcome. Drinking water and getting some food on the way home helped but it got worse later on. Laying down and spending time on my Kindle didn’t make it go away or reduce its intensity, so I tried other things.

The first thing I did was take some medicine, which I usually try to avoid so I don’t become dependent on it but it felt appropriate here. Next, I decided to try taking a nap. Although I usually can’t nap unless I’m thoroughly exhausted and haven’t had any caffeine for several hours, I managed to nap for about an hour and a half. I set an alarm so that I wouldn’t sleep too long as I still had some stuff to do before calling it a day. When my alarm went off and I shook off the grogginess, the headache was gone and I felt so much better. I then had no trouble finishing the rest of my tasks and heading to bed.

I enjoy pushing myself and seeing what challenges I can overcome. The sense of satisfaction I get from overcoming a difficult obstacle is incredible and hard to reproduce in other ways. However, I’ve slowly come to accept the fact that sometimes I need to take it easy for a bit. Sometimes taking a nap, skipping a trip to the gym, or otherwise resting instead of being active is the way to go. Sharpening the saw isn’t always enjoyable but it’s sometimes necessary and always worth it, both for the rest it provides me as well as how it gives me what I need to resume my normal activities later on. And I’m starting to enjoy it more for those very reasons.

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Resolving Contradictions

I’ve previously mentioned some of the contradictions in my own thinking that I’ve noticed as I’ve become more self-aware. Although I used to either ignore contradictions or try to rationalize them, I’m now working on trying to resolve them. This is often easier said than done. Many contradictions that I find originate from deep-seated views that I’ve had for several years; some of them I’ve had for most of my life. Those are always difficult to question and even more difficult to change, even if I commit to doing so.

What I try to do when I feel up to it is focus on two contradictory views and see where my thoughts go. If I’m especially still, I can observe arguments forming to defend one view and attack the other without clinging to either type of argument; I can just be present and observe this unfolding. Once I’ve gotten that out of my system, I can then examine both views more closely. Sometimes I find a fatal flaw in one of them that causes the other to “win” by default. Other times I come to a middle ground between the two positions (although halfway between two extremes isn’t always the way to go). And still other times the contradiction remain unresolved and I simply learn more about how I think by examining the difference between those two positions.

I once went through a period of time during which I tried to resolve all contradictions I could find in my thinking. Even though this made me pretty good at thinking creatively and taking ideas to their full conclusions, it also drove me crazy at certain points. As of now, I still have plenty of unresolved contradictions from views I presently hold as well as views I abandoned somewhere along the way. And I’m sure that I’ll find or develop more contradictions as I continue to learn and grow. Maybe some contradictions are inevitable, either in thought process or within the universe itself. I’m ok with either option, and I’m ok with leaving some contradictions unresolved. I’d rather focus primarily on what I can do to make the world better and only occasionally try to resolve contradictions as a fun way to exercise my brain. I hope this was helpful or at least interesting to read and I’ll see you in the next post.

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Review of Man’s Search for Meaning

Man’s Search for Meaning is a difficult, useful book. Difficult in that it describes Viktor Frankl’s experiences in concentration camps during the Holocaust and useful because it also includes the lessons he learned from those experiences. I knew what it was about before ordering it, so I decided to wait until I was in a good place mentally before reading it. Now that I’ve gone through the book, here are my thoughts on it.

Frankl’s descriptions of life in the concentration camps were the hardest parts for me to read. Although his parents and wife were killed in gas chambers, Frankl avoided this fate by being sent to work camps instead of death camps. He and his fellow prisoners spent long hours doing hard manual labor in freezing weather while wearing ragged clothing and subsisting on little more than bread and watered-down soup. As their bodies wasted away from the malnutrition and grueling labor, they gradually became numb to their situation. They became immune to the verbal abuse the SS guards and kapos (prisoners who had been given some authority over their fellow prisoners) hurled at them and developed a kind of acceptance of their situation. Those who survived and were eventually freed from the camps went through an adjustment phase in which they had to learn how to feel pleased again after being tormented for so long.

Frankl notes that the prisoners who maintained a reason to keep going (such as being reunited with family, resuming their career, making a difference in the world, etc) had a better chance of surviving than those without such a reason. Every so often, a prisoner would give up and lie docile in bed while smoking a cigarette. No amount of persuasion, threats, or punishments could get them up, and they died shortly thereafter. As a psychiatrist, Frankl developed a theory called logotherapy based on this need for meaning in life. He quotes Friedrich Nietzsche in saying “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” The why can vary from one person to the next; the important thing is having a why. And, although Frankl does say that meaning can be found through suffering, he considered intentionally putting oneself through unnecessary suffering to be masochistic rather than heroic.

One of the most surprising things I read in the book was Frankl’s rejection of the idea of collective guilt. He said that some guards showed a certain degree of kindness and compassion to the prisoners, with one even using his own money to buy medicine for some of them. After they were liberated, some former prisoners hid that guard in the woods until the leader of the American forces promised that no harm would come to him. In contrast, some kapos were incredibly cruel and brutal to their fellow prisoners. I teared up when I read those passages since this is an area in which I often struggle. This was a much-needed reminder to avoid generalizing, find the good in people wherever possible, and forgive those who have hurt me. I’d say that was the best part of the book and, if nothing else, I’m glad I read it just for those passages.

Everyone should read Man’s Search for Meaning. I say that about a lot of books but this is one that I think could do a lot of good right now for what is has to say about suffering, forgiveness, finding meaning in life, and relating to one another. However, as I mentioned in the first paragraph, I would recommend a cautious approach. Some of the descriptions of life in the concentration camps might be triggering, especially for those who have already suffered a great deal in life. I’m glad I waited until I was in a good place before reading it and I’d encourage you to do the same. When you’re ready, though, give it a read. It’s well worth it.

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Making the Unconscious Conscious

As I continue my self-improvement journey, I’m constantly learning more about the importance of making the unconscious conscious. By this I mean allowing unwanted thoughts, feelings, and emotions to rise to the surface rather than keeping them suppressed or repressed in my subconscious. This has been a difficult lesson for me to learn. After all, I mostly strive to avoid pain and discomfort where I can and addressing negativity within myself can be quite painful. As painful as it can be to work through negativity, however, allowing it to fester in my subconscious is even worse. I’d compare it to undergoing surgery to remove a tumor; though the surgery and recovery process are painful, they’re less painful than leaving the tumor in place to grow and cause all kinds of problems.

The more sensations that I suppress and repress, the more explosively everything comes out when the pressure becomes too great. Having regular releases gives me opportunities to work through the stuff in my shadow and keeps negativity from building up excessively inside me. Whenever I’m on point with letting go of new pain as well as old pain, I feel incredibly light and at peace. My goal is to make this part of my daily routine so I can continually heal from whatever I experience and prevent it from dragging me down.

This isn’t limited to individuals. It’s important for families, communities, societies, and so on to address underlying issues instead of allowing them to continue wreaking havoc below the surface. As noted above, this can be difficult, messy, and painful, but it’s necessary so that we can all heal and move forward. The longer this gets put off, the harder it will be to do, and the more pain, distrust, violence, and feelings of separation there will be in the meantime. We can change this if we decide it’s worth doing, so let’s do it. Let’s all read Letting Go and take a page from Daryl Davis as we work on healing ourselves, our loved ones, and the rest of our fellow humans.

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Solving Problems Instead of Managing Symptoms

One of the most memorable things I read in Never Split the Difference is Chris Voss’s point about focusing on the real problem in any situation. That problem isn’t you or anybody else involved in the situation; the real problem is the underlying issue that has to be resolved. Keeping that in mind makes it much easier to get to the root of the matter and focus on the actual problem instead of blaming someone else or feeling guilty, both of which prevent all of you from working together to find a solution.

Something else that can get in the way of solving a problem is focusing too much on easing the symptoms caused by the problem. If the focus remains solely on addressing the symptoms, then there’ll be increasingly more resources dedicated to dealing with the symptoms while the problem festers and grows. If you solve the underlying problem, all of that will go away and your work will be complete. For example, if you have regular headaches because of a brain tumor, the best way to get rid of the headaches is to get rid of the tumor rather than continuously taking pain relievers.

There are often many factors that must each be solved to eliminate a problem. Sometimes solving one or two of them will drastically improve the situation and make the problem much easier to resolve. This approach helps me avoid getting overwhelmed when I have a huge, complex task ahead of me. Additionally, I often think of what Earl Nightingale said about solving problems in this video, particularly the words he quoted from Robert Seashore: “Successful people are not people without problems. They’re simply people who’ve learned to solve their problems.” All of this has made it much easier for me to shift the focus away from merely addressing the symptoms of the underlying problem and focus instead on solving the problem, and I hope it does the same for you.

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