More of My Thoughts on Taking Chances

Posted on January 26, 2022 by admin

As I look back over my life and realize how many chances I’ve taken, it makes me wonder why taking chances can still frighten me. The unknown hasn’t always made me feel afraid but it has done so for most of my life. Despite the fear, I still like taking chances and exploring a lot of possibilities. Here’s why.

For starters, taking chances gives me a lot of cool stories to tell. That’s one of the greatest benefits of going a lot of places, meeting a lot of people, and doing a lot of things. I always come home from those adventures with lots to talk about and lots of things to share. They give me plenty of great experiences, insights, and lessons to share. I wouldn’t have those if I had stayed put and stuck to a more traditional life path.

Stepping into new experiences also keeps me from wondering what would have happened. This one has gotten me to do a lot of things despite feeling afraid. There’s nothing like the threat of regret to nudge me toward yes to something I want to do. Even if it ends up being a letdown or a dead end, at least I’ll know whereas I may not have known had I said no.

Speaking of dead ends, sometimes it helps to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out; I can always shift into something else, even if I don’t have a backup plan ready in advance. I’ve learned enough difficult skills to know that it often takes many attempts before success arrives. If it becomes clear that some change is required to bring about success, I’ve gotten good at pivoting into that change. This isn’t always easy and it’s almost never instantaneous but it is doable, so I know that I won’t be stuck in a painful situation the rest of my entire life.

It can still be scary to step into something new without knowing what’s on the other side. I’m feeling some of that fear right now as I’m in the middle of some big life changes. No idea what’s going to happen, when it’ll happen, or how I’ll feel about it. Fortunately, the fear of change is much smaller at this point. Even when it does appear, I’ve gotten good at carrying on anyway. In times of doubt, I also like to remember how I’ve often found what I was looking for by going way off the beaten path and not knowing how it’d turn out. In many cases, I also got a great deal of benefits that I never imagined. This is wonderfully illustrated in The Truman Show when Truman began to notice some of the flaws that gradually revealed the false world he was living in. He kept thinking of a button someone once gave him that asked “How’s it going to end?” That’s what he had to answer for himself. He could stay in the imaginary world where he’d be safe from all harm or he could go out into the real world with a lot of unknowns and make his own way in life. He chose the second option. I’m choosing that option as well. Which one will you choose?

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Such Sweet Sorrow

Posted on January 19, 2022 by admin

I’ve never enjoyed saying goodbye. At least not to people I’ve grown close to. I’m pretty good at coming up with the right words and speaking from my heart. That doesn’t mean I enjoy it, especially if it’s someone I won’t ever see again or won’t see again for a long time. I often worry that I’ll start crying and feel awkward. Then I start wondering if it’d be better to cry around them to show how much they mean to me.

Despite the difficulty, I still do it. I’d rather go through the pain involved in getting that closure than regret not doing it. That’s why I don’t understand why it’s so common to wait until someone is on their deathbed or even lying in a coffin at their funeral to tell them how much they’re appreciated, valued, and loved. Why isn’t it more common to say those things while that person is still alive and healthy? The same goes for when someone is moving away or going to a different school, job, etc.

Animals often fully express the love they feel for other animals and humans. I see this all the time in my dog as well as most other dogs I meet. The dog isn’t concerned with how anyone will respond, what anyone else thinks, or if the dog will look silly. No room for any of that with so much love pouring out. We can learn a lot from animals in this regard.

I don’t know if people in countries outside the US are more forthright with their feelings. For that matter, I don’t even know if people elsewhere in the US, or even outside some of the circles I’ve been in, are like this. I feel grateful to have gotten to know plenty of people who express their love for each other during the pleasant times, not just the hard times. I hope I come to know more people like this.

A friend recently reminded me of a beautiful idea when it comes to saying goodbye: this isn’t goodbye, it’s see you later. “Goodbye” sounds so definitive whereas “see you later” sounds temporary. I love that. It’s also true more often than not that the parting is only temporary. Whether months or even years go by between visits with a friend, those visits will come around again. That’s why the best way I can think to close this post is to say thanks for reading and I’ll see you later.

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The Value of Playing Games

Posted on January 12, 2022 by admin

Games can be a great way to foster community and civility between people. Even though there is a competitive aspect since nobody likes to lose, there’s still something liberating about playing games. You’re free to act silly, say and do things that you normally wouldn’t, and have a ton of fun. They provide a great opportunity to practice being unconcerned with what others think of you, which can carry over into other areas of life.

They’re also great for teaching lessons about winning and losing. Someone who usually excels at whatever they do may learn how to be humble if they discover a game that challenges them. On the flip side, someone who struggles with a lot of activities but finds a game for which they have some talent can learn how to enjoy their victory without going overboard. Win or lose, there’s always a lesson to be learned and another opportunity to try again later.

Games are my preferred way to break the ice and get to know somebody new or get closer to somebody I already know. They give everyone something to focus on besides small talk or nonstop conversation. There’s typically a lot of laughter, which is incredibly freeing as well as unifying when everyone’s laughing together. This makes it easier for me to relax, be myself, and then interact more comfortably with everyone after we’ve finished playing.

Those are some of the many benefits of playing games with other people, whether you’re playing board games, card games, word games, a sport, or any other kind of game. I love a good game night but you don’t have to wait until then to have fun. Dancing, juggling, telling stories, taking pictures, and almost anything else can become a game if you know how to make it one. Bringing a sense of play into daily life can make hard times more bearable and good times even better. How do you incorporate games and play into your regular life?

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Hiding Emotions

Posted on January 5, 2022 by admin

Negative emotions can make major life changes difficult to handle. However, I find certain positive emotions can make things even more difficult. I don’t mean emotions such as excitement over new adventures, relief from getting out of a painful situation, etc. I mean the emotions that I don’t want to admit I have, even to myself.

When someone I dislike leaves my life, I almost always feel a sense of relief. Sometimes, however, there’s also some sadness mixed in. This usually occurs when my relationship with that person had a mix of highs and lows. While I don’t miss the hard times, I do miss the pleasant times. I also miss the potential of who that person could have been, which is often nothing more than the image in my head of who I once thought them to be.

Despite the pain they’ve caused me, there might still be a part of me that is drawn to that person and will miss them when they’re gone, even if I don’t always understand why. I stuck around as long as I did because of the good times. Although it may be the best thing for my mental health to stop seeing them, that’s not always easy. It can be hard to acknowledge the good, the pleasant, the fun, and the enjoyable that existed alongside the dark, the painful, the abusive, and the unpleasant. It’s way easier to cut someone off if our interactions were all bad and no good. But since that’s rarely been the case in my life, failing to acknowledge the good times that I’ll miss keeps me feeling stuck. That’s why noticing whenever there was some pleasure, some enjoyment, and even some peace is important for healing the pain and moving forward.

When a situation was negative or at least ended badly, I often wish that it hadn’t gone that way. I’ll wish instead that it’d been a positive, healthy situation and that it had ended on a good note. Pretending to not have those feelings and desires keeps the pain going and prevents me from moving forward and getting past the grief. I’d rather be honest with myself and notice all the feelings so I can let them go and be free.

It’s become fairly easy to acknowledge the negative emotions in almost any situation. However, it’s still difficult to acknowledge the positive emotions that appear even in dark times. Simply having this realization has been helpful, as has remembering how I always feel relieved when I finally acknowledge the emotions I’d been hiding from myself. That then frees up a lot of energy that I can spend on more enjoyable things. What’s your experience been with this? I’d love to hear about it. Leave a comment if you like and I’ll see you in the next post.

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2022 Goals

Posted on December 29, 2021 by admin

For the past few years, I’ve come up with goals that I’d like to accomplish throughout the next year. I almost always come up with these before New Year’s and I don’t think of these as New Year’s Resolutions even though they’re quite similar. Since I’m nearly finished with my goals for 2021, here are my goals for 2022.

  1. Publish my book. I’ve been working on my communication book on and off for several years now. Even though I’ve nearly finished the first draft, there’s still a lot to do with it, including editing the final draft, adding illustrations, and figuring out how I want to publish it. However, I’ve done enough so far to make publishing it in 2022 an achievable goal and I’m going to make that happen.
  2. Launch my business. All the healing work I did this year gave me the inspiration to start my own business as well as the courage to follow through. I’ve spent much of this month working on it at my own pace. Since there are no products for sale, it’s entirely service-based, has low starting and overhead costs, and it’s a predominantly online business, I’m almost ready to go. I plan to launch it in January and I hope it catches on quickly so it can add value to many lives, including my own.
  3. Get more juggling gigs. Aside from the two that I had this month, I haven’t had a paid juggling gig since late 2020. I used to get a lot more of them and I also used to enjoy them a lot more than I have the past few years. Next year, I want to get more gigs, both because they pay well and because they’re a blast, even when I feel afraid. I also want to dive deep into the fear and anxiety around them so I can heal it and have fun like I used to.
  4. Juggle 5 clubs. This one has been on my list for years now. I learned to juggle 5 balls more than a decade ago. Not too long after that, I learned to juggle 5 rings. So far, I have yet to juggle 5 clubs. It’s the only one of the main juggling props of which I haven’t juggled 5. I managed to flash 5 clubs a lot last year and a few times this year but I haven’t yet managed a full juggle. I plan to change that by finally learning to juggle 5 clubs in 2022.
  5. Stretch every day. I’ve never managed to stick to a regular stretching regimen for long. I don’t know why since I always feel better when I stretch and I’ve come close to making it a habit on many occasions. I’m determined to fix this by stretching a little bit every day next year, even if it’s only for a minute a day. If I can stretch every day of the year, it’ll become a habit that even I’ll find difficult to break and my body will thank me for it.
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Reviewing My 2021 Goals

Posted on December 22, 2021 by admin

Last year, I set a number of goals that I hoped to accomplish in 2021. It’s time to revisit those goals and see how I did. Let’s take a look.

  1. Finish my first book. I have several books that I plan to write and I’ve gotten a good start on the first one. While it’s primarily about communication, it also contains several other related subjects such as mindfulness, emotional work, and healing the world. It’s based on things I’ve learned from reading and listening to great communicators, figured out for myself, and learned through the many interactions I’ve had with countless people in every area of my life. I hope to have it finished by the end of 2021. Once I’m done writing it, then I’ll work on getting it published. I’m excited for this and can’t wait to see where it leads.

    I made huge progress on my book over the course of 2021. At the time of this writing, I am nearly finished with the first draft. It’s taken a lot of work but I’m almost there. If all goes well, then the book will be published sometime in 2022. Lots of work left to do before it’s ready to publish but it feels great to be close to the finish line with this part of the process.

  2. Do even more emotional healing. This year forced me to work through a lot of stuff and I made huge amounts of progress. I’ve got much more to work through and I plan to continue doing so every day in 2021. Since I improved my life so much with five and a half months of consistent practice, I’m excited to see where I’ll be after doing this for a whole year. I’m confident I’ll keep this up since I now know both how to go about this and the benefits of doing it consistently.

    I certainly did plenty of this! It amazes me how much I’ve overcome and let go over the past year. That has given me the courage to move forward with some of my bigger projects, including one I’ll talk about in next week’s post. I realized last month that I’d been holding myself back due to fear. Since I’ve let go of so much fear and other kinds of negativity, I’ve taken several steps toward my dreams and am continuing to do something productive each day despite my remaining fears. That feels wonderful and I look forward to seeing how my life situation looks this time next year.

  3. Spend more time with my friends. When it comes to socializing, I’ve done less of that this year than I have in almost a decade. Digital interactions and phone calls do help but they’re no substitute for in-person interactions. The interactions I have had this year have mostly been wonderful and I’m so grateful for them. I’m hoping to have many more of them next year, especially with some of my closest friends whom I hardly ever get to see.

    Another huge success. From the very first day of 2021 through to this month, I’ve spent a lot of time visiting people close to me. Whether swing dancing, juggling, sharing a meal, helping someone move, or simply sitting down for a heart-to-heart, spending time with friends has been a huge and wonderful part of my year. My friendships also feel closer and more meaningful than they did before 2021. I’m not sure why exactly but I love it and I hope it continues.

  4. Read more consistently. I try to read a chapter of a book each day. This year, I was extremely hit or miss with that. Sometimes I went a week or more at a time without doing much reading and other times I read several chapters from multiple books in one day. Even though some of my books had extremely long chapters (over one hundred pages in some cases), mostly it was poor time management or emotional distress that kept me from reading as much as I wanted. So next year, I want to stick to reading at least one chapter a day (more if I like). I’ve gotten better at managing my time and reading throughout the day so I’m confident I can make this happen.

    This one I mostly accomplished. I definitely read more consistently this year than I did last year. Most days I read at least one chapter of a book and on many days I read two or more chapters from the books that had short chapters. Even with the books that had long chapters, I managed to read them throughout the day instead of attempting to read seventy or more pages right before bed. However, there were a few days in which I didn’t read a full chapter, whether due to time constraints or recovering from an injury. Instead of considering the whole goal to be lost on those occasions, I forgave myself for the days I missed and picked up right where I left off as soon as I could. That allowed me to stick to this goal for all but a couple of days this year and that feels great to me.
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A Few Things I’ve Learned About Teaching

Posted on December 15, 2021 by admin

Last week I shared what I’ve learned about being a good student. This time I’ll share what I’ve learned about being a good teacher. I’ve never taught in schools and, aside from a few times I’ve been paid to teach juggling, I’ve never taught professionally. However, I’ve taught a number of people how to juggle, dance, and do other cool things. This post will cover some of what I’ve learned about teaching and why skilled teachers deserve a lot of credit as teaching is much harder than it looks.

  1. Be patient. This has been one of the hardest things for me to practice whenever I’ve taught someone. Something that’s crystal clear to me may be clear as mud to someone who doesn’t understand it or has never done it. Even when I think I know a way to help them understand it, that way might not work; that’s when I tend to feel the most frustrated. On good days, I can take a breath, regroup, and try something else until I find something that works.
  2. Understand and teach to the student’s way of learning. Get to know the student and what the student needs to learn effectively. Not everyone learns the same way so it’s important to explain things in ways the student understands since I already understand it. Only by seeing things from their perspective can I find a way that works for them.
  3. Make it safe. Learning something new can be scary, especially around other people. There’s fear of failure, fear of being judged, fear of being shamed, and many other fears involved with learning. That’s why the best teachers make learning safe. Safe to ask questions, safe to experiment, safe to fail, and safe to try again. This way, rather than being turned off from whatever they’re learning, the students can learn effectively, have fun, and want to learn even more.
  4. Think outside the box. With teaching, what matters most is that the student learns in a way that allows them to succeed and makes them want to continue learning. As long as that’s accomplished, it doesn’t matter whether conventional or unconventional methods are used. Get as creative as necessary to get the job done and don’t be afraid to get silly if that’s what it takes.
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Being a Good Student

Posted on December 8, 2021 by admin

In addition to going to school as most people do, I’ve also learned a lot from teachers skilled in juggling, unicycling, dancing, martial arts, and other activities I enjoy. Along with learning those activities, I’ve also learned how to be a good student. Here are some useful things to keep in mind whenever you’re learning something new or improving at something you can already do.

  1. Be open minded. There are plenty of things I don’t know and way more things that I don’t even know that I don’t know. Even with something I’ve been doing for most of my life (such as juggling), someone else may show me a better way to do it or something I can do with it that I never considered. If I’m closed off to other ideas, I’ll miss a lot of opportunities to improve and I won’t have as much fun.
  2. Stay humble. I’m willing to reconsider most of my ideas and practices. On my best days, I’m willing to reconsider all of them. I’m also generally open to being corrected when I’m wrong or when I’m shown a better way to do something. Sometimes I dislike it and every so often I flat out reject it. Most of the time, though, I’ll hear the person out and will probably give their way a go. If it works better than what I was doing, great. If not, I’ll go back to what I was doing before. No way to lose with this approach.
  3. Ask questions. This can be daunting at times, especially in group settings. Who enjoys admitting they need help with something or don’t understand it? I’ve gradually gotten comfortable speaking up as needed. In addition to benefiting me, this may also help someone who has a similar question yet doesn’t have the courage to ask. Ultimately, I’d rather risk feeling uncomfortable while asking a question early on than risk feeling even more uncomfortable later after making a huge mistake due to not asking.
  4. Be willing to make mistakes. I suspect that many people avoid trying new things because they don’t want to feel embarrassed by making mistakes around other people. It’s ok to feel embarrassed in that situation. I still feel that way at times. Despite those feelings, I succeed because my interest in learning is greater than my desire to avoid feeling embarrassed or looking silly after making a mistake in public. Mistakes are part of the learning process; there’s no growth without mistakes, so don’t be afraid to make them.
  5. Learn from failure. This may be the most important point on this list. As much as failure hurts, it isn’t the end of the world. When you fail, you’re one step closer to success as long as you keep going. The best thing to do is analyze the failure, figure out what went wrong, find a better way to go, and practice the better way to reduce future failures. Keep that up each time you fail and you’ll succeed in time.
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Getting to Know Myself

Posted on December 1, 2021 by admin

I’ve felt a lot of stress for much of my life over what people say and appear to feel toward me. One reason for that is my tendency to believe negative things said about me. For whatever reason, it’s much easier to believe the negative stuff and much harder to believe the positive stuff (such as when someone gives me a genuine compliment, even when it’s accurate and I deserve it). As I continue to let go of negativity, I’m learning more about who I actually am and I’m becoming more comfortable with that person all the time. Now I’m less likely to feel upset if someone says something to me that I don’t like or if they don’t like me or something I do.

Whenever I’m feeling confident and secure in who I am, the urge to defend myself goes way down. There’s little to no pride, which is quite fragile, easily damaged and shaken, and requires constant defensiveness. Without that, I don’t have to respond internally or externally to what someone may say against me; if they insult me or appear to be talking down to me, that won’t matter. Whether or not they do it, I’ll be feeling at peace and feeling good about myself. I don’t need to get drawn into an exchange or conflict over it.

This gets into what I think is the important difference between awareness and sensitivity. With awareness, you can know what’s going on in yourself, around you, and maybe even pick up what’s going on in another person, such as how they’re feeling and what they’re wanting. You also get that with sensitivity (though you might mistake your own feelings for someone else’s or vice versa) but along with that knowing, there’s also the risk of feeling disturbed by negativity or anything else that comes up, whether it comes from you, from another person, or from something else in your current situation.

Also, sensitivity can bring with it a lot of negativity, such as a tendency to say whatever comes to mind even if it causes harm, refrain from saying anything that may be unpopular, over explain things, defend things that don’t need to be defended and haven’t been challenged, feel upset easily, and generally let your inner state be determined by the conditions around you. With deep awareness, you can perceive everything around you without being subject to it. You can see what’s going on and decide how to respond (or whether to respond at all) rather than being forced into a particular response by your emotions. That’s an incredibly strong, powerful, and peaceful position.

I’ve been both sensitive and aware for much of my life. As I keep working on myself, I’m increasingly moving deeper into awareness and away from sensitivity. That lets me perceive what’s happening and know what’s going on without being overtaken by it and forced into feeling like I need to push back, defend myself, or anything else along those lines. Awareness also shows me what’s important to focus on and what can be safely ignored. That way I can keep my attention where it’s most needed. Often the right thing to do or say comes to me automatically when I’m deeply aware. Sensitivity tends to keep me focused on everything around me, with most of my attention given to where it’s least needed. When I’m feeling sensitive, that’s when I struggle and hesitate to make any kind of decision, let alone a good one.

Whatever somebody says about me reflects their perceptions rather than the reality about me. That’s something I’ve understood intellectually for a long time but haven’t been able to embody and truly know with every fiber of my being until recently. It’s wonderful to know myself so well that I don’t buy into falsehoods people say about me. As I get to know myself better and better, nobody can take that knowledge away from me, so there’s nothing to fight about. That knowing brings with it an incredible sense of peace peace that’s growing deeper all the time. If I keep this up by releasing enough fears and negativity toward myself, I think I’ll eventually reach the point that somebody can say anything to me or about me or think anything about me or feeling any way toward me and I’ll be able to simply shrug it off; like water off a duck’s back, as they say. I’ll know exactly who I am and I won’t have to wonder “What if what that person said about me is true?” There won’t be any suspicion or fear of that because I’ll be so knowledgeable about myself and loving toward myself that what anyone else says won’t matter, especially someone who doesn’t know me. I’ll be at peace since I’ll know who I am. That’s a wonderful place to be and I’m finally making it my home. I hope you can do the same.

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Take Smaller Bites

Posted on November 24, 2021 by admin

I see a lot of praise for being constantly on the go. Somehow it’s become popular to think that if you don’t always have multiple projects going simultaneously and if you’re not feeling exhausted from working around the clock to get everything done, then you’re wasting your time and may even be doing something morally wrong. I completely disagree with that idea. Here’s my take on this.

Underneath the idea that work is the most important thing in life seems to be the idea that work is what gives your life value. In actuality, your value and your worth come from your existence, not from how much or what kind of work you do. Until you accept that, you might attempt to make peace with yourself through your accomplishments. However, no matter how hard you work or what you achieve, you’ll never end your inner civil war through hard work because that’s not how it happens. As long as you base your worth on work, your inner critic will always compare you negatively to someone else who is working harder, accomplishing more, and succeeding more in certain areas than you. This is a recipe for constant dissatisfaction and chronic exhaustion as you attempt to work ever harder in the hope of finding peace.

It’s not about working harder, though. If you’re already working super hard, then working even harder will just burn you out. Burnout makes everything more difficult and makes you much less effective even at simple tasks. Even if you manage to power through a gargantuan amount of work without collapsing immediately after, sooner or later you’ll pay for it. The high level of stress from the endless grind combined with chronic lack of sufficient sleep will likely end your life earlier than if you had taken good care of yourself. What’s more, your final years will be much lower in quality. Check out what Matthew Walker has to say about the importance of sleep if you’re still not convinced that proper self-care is crucial.

I’ve seen the problems with the workaholic approach repeatedly, both in myself and in those close to me. Burning the candle at both ends, working late at night or early in the morning, sacrificing health and well-being to accomplish something much less important, etc. It never ends well. With this approach, there is no “I’ll rest when it’s done”. Once it’s become a habit to put anything and everything above your health, it’s extremely difficult to change that into a habit that prioritizes health. Even if you managed to finish all your current projects, you could still find some excuse as to why you can’t rest yet. There’s always another project that seems indispensable and requires as much of your waking day (and night) as possible. The grind never ends and the rest never comes.

So don’t bite off more than you can chew. If you have too many projects going at one time, scale back by pausing some of them until you’re able to effectively handle your workload. Once you’ve finished a few projects or gotten enough of them to a level that requires much less effort, you can then resume some of your other ventures while maintaining your health and effectiveness. Alternatively, you could look into improving your time management skills in case making a few changes allows you to keep up with all your projects without sacrificing your well-being in the process; even if you still have to scale back, better time management will still make your life much better and your work much more effective. You’ll then have time to actually enjoy what you’ve accomplished instead of simply moving right on to the next big thing. I’ve learned all of this the hard way and I’ll carry these lessons with me for the rest of my life. I hope you learn it the easy way.

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