Nostalgia

Posted on December 7, 2022 by admin

Over the past decade, there has been a lot of talk about repetition in popular media. Modern movies routinely get multiple sequels, several famous movies from the late 20th century are getting remade, and even some TV shows end up taking a similar path. There are many ideas as to why this is happening. Personally, I think nostalgia is the driving force behind all of this.

Nostalgia involves looking fondly upon something from one’s past. Sometimes the fondness is accompanied by sadness if the thing in question is no longer around or is quite different than it once was. Nostalgia can exist around movies, TV shows, books, businesses, humans, animals, houses, vehicles, toys, games, commercials, and just about anything else.

Although nostalgia can arise at any moment, it’s more likely to appear during major life changes: moving out, going to college, getting married, retiring, etc. Those situations may be positive and beneficial even in the short run. However, there may still be some temporary stress around them. This is where nostalgia can come in to provide some comforting familiarity and stability amidst the novelty and instability.

Nostalgia can be even more powerful during painful times. A trusty stuffed animal who’s been with you your whole life can be of great comfort when it seems everyone else is against you. A beloved movie with a happy ending from your first few years reminds you that things can turn out well. A book series that you’ve read more times than you can count lets you go on a journey whose every twist, turn, and finale you already know well in advance, unlike in life. When everything is painful and changing, nostalgia offers peace and consistency.

In good or bad times, there can be huge amounts of comfort in taking refuge in fond memories, people, and objects from beloved moments in life. In the good times, such trips down memory lane can serve as pleasant reminders of where we’ve come from and how we got here. In the bad times, they can provide enough relief from the daily drudgery to carry on. This is certainly the case in my own life. I don’t often look to nostalgic things when I’m feeling good and my life is going the way I want it to go. On those occasions, I’m more focused on what’s going on around me and also tend to look forward to see what might come next. Mostly, I find myself looking to nostalgic things in times of uncertainty, instability, and pain. The major reminiscings I did this past March occurred months after a series of huge, painful life changes. As I struggled to work through the pain, I kept returning to memories, media, and mementos from easier times. That gave me a lot of comfort when I sorely needed it.

While no time in my life was perfect, overall, my childhood contained less responsibility, more fun, less work, and more wonder than my adulthood. I’m not alone here. There have been incredible amounts of instability, turmoil, and change over the lives of many people close to me in age. The technological changes alone are enough to get us longing for the simpler days of our more analog youth. Add to that several huge, negative world events over a relatively short amount of time and an increasingly uncertain future and it’s no surprise that many of us are doing whatever we can to recapture the magic and comfortable simplicity of childhood.

I’ve felt childlike for most of my life. Even now, I still feel like a little kid attempting to navigate a big, confusing adult world. Losing my dog Sawyer earlier this year has made me feel even more like a helpless little kid. As a result, I’ve clung that much tighter to nostalgic things wherever I can find them. Sometimes I fear I’m living too much in the past and not spending enough time in the present moment. And the future? That’s something I dread. It’s so easy to look back on my life and see how everything fit together so wonderfully. When I look forward, I can’t see where I’m going through the dense, ominous fog of uncertainty. Whatever comes next, I hope I can navigate it effectively enough that I someday look back on it fondly rather than regretfully.

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More on Emotions and How We Treat Each Other

Posted on November 30, 2022 by admin

A while ago, I shared my take on emotions and the responsibility we have toward each other. Here are some additional thoughts I’ve had on these issues since that post.

In some situations, we have little to no responsibility for the emotions of others. For example, if I physically resemble someone who abused you, you might very well feel uncomfortable around me. That is a perfectly understandable response given how trauma works, although it won’t be either of our faults that you feel that way.

However, suppose that I have repeatedly abused you. In that case, it is my fault if you feel uncomfortable around me, whether because of the past pain I’ve inflicted upon you or because of the possibility of future pain I might inflict upon you. I’d be incorrect in saying that your emotions around me weren’t my responsibility or that how you acted in my presence had nothing to do with me. I’d also be incorrect in making those statements if I had made effective communication between us impossible and you were then reluctant to talk to me.

The same applies for the attitude somebody brings to their interactions. I occasionally see a distinction made between someone who is intimidating and others who feel intimidated. Sometimes the responsibility for that is on those who feel intimidated. Other times, it is on the person who being intimidating, especially if they are shouting, getting right in someone else’s face, or using/threatening to use violence. Someone who acts like that can rightly be said to be acting in an intimidating way and can’t rightly say that their behavior doesn’t affect how those around them feel or that it’s the fault of others for feeling intimidated.

This is another reason I reject the notion that nobody is responsible for anybody else’s emotions. It’s far too easy for abusive people to run with that idea, abuse others, and then claim that the emotions and responses to that abuse have nothing to do with them. Disabusing them of that notion by refusing to accept their bad behavior offers a chance that they’ll change their ways. If not, at least you’ll be free from their abuse.

Additionally, I’ve noticed those who act as if they’re not responsible for anyone else’s emotions also act as if others are responsible for their emotions. Hence their hypocrisy in how they treat others horribly while demanding others treat them wonderfully. They also tend to lash out at simple requests, clarifying questions, and objective statements pointing out simple facts; it’s as if they assume that any of those are insults or personal attacks against them. And if anyone calls them on this, do they examine themselves, see the error of their ways, apologize, and do better from then on? More often than not, no. Instead, they deflect, play dumb, verbally (or sometimes physically) attack the other person, turn the tables by accusing that person of behaving badly, or otherwise attempt to dodge the reality of their behavior. The overall reaction is one of defensiveness and shutting others down instead of listening and considering how their actions have impacted those around them.

I always appreciate seeing reminders about how everyone has some struggle. A message saying “Be kind. Everyone has their own journey” was painted on a fence next to a road I often take. Unfortunately, it appears to have been painted over recently. Fortunately, I saw it enough times to remember it verbatim and I think about it each time I pass that fence. I’ve seen enough similar messages in enough places to know that others recognize the importance of showing kindness, compassion, and love. That suggests that others also believe we have some responsibility in how we treat each other. That’s always encouraging to see.

Nobody has to treat anyone else like royalty, but everybody can at least refrain from being jerks. I’ve thought a lot about this since my dog Sawyer’s death. The added vulnerability I’ve felt for most of this year has got me focusing even more than I did before on how others treat me and how I treat them. My patience for anything even remotely resembling abuse is at an all-time low. With the exception of my worst days, my willingness to be kind is at an all-time high. Even when I don’t have it in me to be kind, I at least refrain from being cruel. If everyone ceased acting cruelly toward others, then the world would be a much better place, even without an increase in active kindness. I hope that happens.

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Great Habits from Years Past

Posted on November 23, 2022 by admin

I had a lot of habits as a kid that allowed me to have multiple hobbies and extracurricular activities while still doing well in school without burning out. Most of those beneficial habits were unintentional, planned for me by others, or both. As a result, it’s taken me a long time to realize what they were and why they helped me so much. Putting several of them into practice this year has been incredibly beneficial for my health and well-being.

From elementary through high school, I had largely consistent times for going to bed and waking up, and I got more than enough sleep most nights. I slept in when I didn’t have school or a pressing reason to wake up early and sometimes got less than enough sleep when I woke up early for trips but those were only occasional exceptions. All that quality sleep provided a solid foundation for everything else in my life for almost two decades.

I always watched TV while eating breakfast before school. As far as I can remember, I never stressed about tests, quizzes, presentations, extracurriculars, or any other activities that would be happening later that day. I focused on whatever show or commercial was on as I ate, completely unconcerned with anything in the future. Similarly, I often read a book on long car trips. I’d get so absorbed into the book that I wouldn’t hear anybody else in the car talking, even if they were talking about me, to me, or calling my name. I loved being so deeply in the moment that nothing else took away the enjoyment of whatever I was doing at the time. That’s a skill I somehow had long before I started consciously working on it years after seeming to lose it.

My social life was much better balanced for most of my upbringing than it’s been since I became an adult. There were a few times for socializing in school, such as during lunch and PE, but those were about it. Most of my time in school involved sitting down quietly, listening to the teacher, and doing work at my desk. Even interactions with the teacher were mostly limited to asking questions or giving answers. Outside of school, I stuck mostly to myself at home. My afternoons were largely spent watching TV, swimming, reading, juggling, doing schoolwork, playing with my toys, and relaxing. Sometimes I’d go visit with friends but those times were few and far between. Plenty of time to myself kept me from getting burnt out, made me look forward to socializing when it came around, and allowed me to recover fairly quickly from whatever difficult, stressful, or draining things occurred.

This phase of my life occurred long before I realized I had anxiety and depression, and long before they worsened. It was even longer before I learned how to effectively manage those issues, along with stress and other negative emotions. As such, I credit my relatively stable and consistent activities during those years to the solid habits and routines that I had then. Without them, I can’t imagine doing more than a fraction of what I accomplished; even then, I’m certain I’d have felt much more stressed and gotten totally burned out.

In adulthood, the pressure to be social almost constantly whenever I go out is a huge part of what has burned me out so much over the past decade. There is nearly nonstop talking and “socializing” at nearly every event I attend, whether it’s related to dancing, juggling, a holiday, or just about anything else. I greatly appreciate those who can enjoy a dance, a round of juggling, or meaningful moment without filling every single second with words. My closest friends also give me plenty of space. This allows us to better enjoy each other’s company when we do see each other and prevents our interactions from becoming overbearing on anybody.

I’ve gotten back to spending lots of time at home to rest and recover from exhaustion. On my best days, I can take good enough care of myself to prevent exhaustion, which is much easier than recovering from it. When I do go out for activities I enjoy, I do so on my own terms rather than being forced into doing it somebody else’s way. That means I leave when I’m ready to leave, back out of conversations that I dislike, spend time by myself as needed, and tend toward focused group activities (such as a game or athletic event) rather than talking circles that go nowhere interesting.

I also seem to be getting back the deep focus on the present moment I mentioned earlier. A great example is my monthly juggling event from a few weekends ago. I had a juggling gig later that day. In fact, I had to leave my event early to make it to the gig on time. Despite that, I hardly thought about the gig while I was in the park and I didn’t stress about it at all until after I’d left. That made for a lovely afternoon and got the rest of my day started on a good foot.

Rediscovering and implementing these practices has allowed me to recapture the magic I experienced so often as a kid without the exhaustion I’ve felt so much as an adult. Everything I’ve said in this post has become even more crucial since I no longer have my dog Sawyer to help me recover from burnout. I’m so thankful I had him as long as I did, and that I developed enough emotional intelligence and gathered enough life hacks to be doing as well as I am despite losing him. If I’m doing this well now, who knows how well I’ll be doing after another year of living more effectively? I look forward to seeing it.

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Recent Relief

Posted on November 16, 2022 by admin

Earlier this month, I realized that I’ve been feeling better lately than I have for most of this year. This realization occurred after I had gotten more sleep from going to bed much earlier than usual several days in a row. The extra hour of sleep at the end of Daylight Saving Time made me feel even better. The quality and quantity of sleep I get does more than almost anything else to determine my mood so I’m glad to have improved in both of those areas recently.

There was also extra swing dancing toward the end of last month. Although there used to be swing dancing at the Volstead every Sunday night for most of every year, it’s only been happening twice a month since this past May; before that, it was once a month since November of 2021, and that was after being nonexistent for more than a year. This past October, there was a special third night of dancing on the Sunday before Halloween. Lots of Halloween music, decorations, and costumes made the night extra fun. That additional Sunday dance also meant that there were two Volstead Sundays in a row. Finally, I enjoyed the first Volstead Sunday this month more than almost any other this year. All of that felt like old times and put a little extra spring in my step.

My voice for most of this month has been consistently smoother, steadier, and more resonant. That’s always a sign that I’m feeling hardly any stress, effectively managing the stress that does appear, and doing well overall emotionally. I’ve accomplished that this time around by adding more positives and removing several negatives. Aside from several negatives I’ve removed in recent memory, there’s another huge negative that will be behind me before this month ends. In general, I dislike having things hanging over my head, particularly stressful things. I always feel relieved when something negative ends, especially when it’s something I never have to deal with again. As for the positives, I’ve had plenty of meaningful interactions with good humans and animals. I love visiting lots of puppies every week, frequently petting some neighborhood cats on my walks, and spending more time around humans who make me feel wanted and loved. I’m thankful to have gotten that in spades as of late.

My juggling, in particular my progress with 5 club, has gone incredibly well for almost this entire year. Last month, I went from 5 catches to 6. Last week, I reached 7 catches on Tuesday and then 8 on Thursday! Since I only need 10 catches to juggle 5 clubs, I’m on track to get there well before this year is through. That will allow me to check off a huge goal of mine for this year. I look forward to making that happen soon.

My emotional life has almost never been better than it is now. It’s been almost 7 months since my dog Sawyer’s death. There is still healing to do but I’m feeling much better than I have for most of this year after working through a ton of pain since April. My recent good feelings come in large part from having the courage to face painful emotions in this and many other areas. In especially difficult times, I have to give myself permission (sometimes out loud) to feel whatever feelings need to be felt. Even that has been easier lately. I hope all of this means I’ve worked through enough difficult emotions to be finished with the most painful part of this particular journey. Time will tell.

Whenever I listen to “For the Longest Time” by Billy Joel, it takes me back to when I first heard it: the Volstead in late 2017. That was one of the hardest years of my life. By the time I heard that song, life had improved significantly for me and seemed to keep getting better in every way. While watching others dance as I sat down to catch my breath, I noticed that I felt great for the first time in ages. Years later, I listen to that song every time I drive home from the Volstead. I’ve gotten the same feelings from it the past few weeks as I did upon first hearing it in late 2017. It’s also gotten me thinking about how similar 2022 has been to 2017. Both years took so much from me and didn’t start letting up until almost the end. Despite the pain, they both contained unexpected joys along the way, such as meeting some good new people and getting lots of time with familiar, comforting faces. Sawyer was my most painful loss of this year but wasn’t my only loss, and nothing I’ve lost will come back. Despite those facts, I still have greater peace about my life than I have in a long, long time. I hope this is leading toward another year like 2018 or even 2019. Either of those would be welcome reliefs after 3 years of getting pounded every which way. Whatever happens, I’m feeling good and know that I can always get back up after getting knocked down, even if it takes me a while to find my footing.

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Life Training Levels

Posted on November 9, 2022 by admin

Some video games come with training levels. In a training level, it doesn’t matter how many times your character dies, how long it takes to complete a task, or how many attempts it takes to learn the controls. You can spend as much time there as you need to get a feel for everything before playing the actual game. Further, nothing that happens in those training levels affects regular gameplay, making them wonderful opportunities to learn how to play without adversely affecting the main game.

I’d love it if life itself had training levels. While there are a number of skills that can be learned and improved upon fairly quickly, others take years, decades, or even an entire lifetime. Costly mistakes made in certain key areas (parenting, business, relationships of all types, etc) can create problems that may linger for many years to come, and some might never go away. It’d be wonderful if there were training levels for life that allowed everyone to learn and master emotional intelligence, effective communication, social interactions, and other extremely challenging skills early on. If all of that were restricted to the training levels rather than regular life, that would prevent so many painful mistakes and regrets that almost everybody deals with.

Those training levels would be even better if they could be accessed at any time, whether someone is just starting out in life, needs a refresher later in life, or gets a quick boost somewhere in between. Imagine an extremely difficult situation that you’ve never faced before. When that happens in real life, lots of people freak out, fall back on bad habits that make the situation worse, and then feel upset about it for a long time afterward. Now imagine that same situation with a training level: you pause your life, go into a training level that covers this sort of thing, and work at it as much as you need to get a feel for it. Then you resume life, handle the situation extremely effectively, and move on feeling satisfied. No time wasted and no costly mistakes made. That’d be incredible. Parents would know exactly what to do for their kids at any given moment, business failures could be averted well in advance, healing conversations in all kinds of relationships would become the norm, and nothing damaging would ever be said or done in the heat of the moment.

Some people think that learning those lessons in life itself is an essential part of the journey. Even if they’re correct, having training levels would offer a version of that with much lower costs to failure. As an example, there’d be no more abusive relationships in real life where there is trauma, lasting regret, and other major issues since everything one would need to know about avoiding abusive relationships could be learned in a training level. And nobody would have to use those training levels if they didn’t want to. They’d be available for those wanting to learn how to live more effectively without making huge (and often lasting) mistakes, but anybody who wanted to avoid them could certainly do so.

I can’t imagine how much trouble I’d have avoided if I had access to life training levels. I’d have learned everything I now know about emotional intelligence and effective communication at a much younger age; either one of those by itself would have probably prevented the majority of my mistakes and saved many relationships of all sorts. Without my deep-seated emotional issues, I could have spent much more meaningful time with my loved ones, several of whom died either before I started getting the hang of healthy emotional management or shortly thereafter. I would have felt comfortable enough to have regular visits with several loved ones who are still alive instead of staying away for several years. I’m certain that my priorities would have been better arranged so that I’d have spent more time with my dog Sawyer during his life, especially in his final years, months, weeks, and days, instead of pursuing activities that left much to be desired. Any extra interactions I’d gotten with him and my other loved ones would have been even more wonderful due to more focus on the present moment, greater love, and less absentmindedness and fear.

It pains me that there are no such life training levels; that the many past mistakes I’ve made have negatively impacted my life and, in some cases, will continue to do so even if I never make another mistake again; and that, at least in this life, there will be no more opportunities to visit or make things right with my loved ones who’ve already died. I so wish none of those were true. All I can do is continue learning, healing, growing, and sharing my journey with those interested.

I’ve done practice essays, quizzes, and tests in school. The practice versions didn’t count for or against me, so if I did poorly on them, they didn’t hurt my grade. However, they always gave me an idea of how the actual assignments would be, showed me the parts I had under control, and highlighted areas that needed extra attention before I got to the real thing. Those were all hugely beneficial and were a large part of why I managed to do as well as I did in school. At this point, getting good at learning and finding ways to learn quickly are as close as I can get to life training levels. It’s not the same but it’s better than nothing.

I hope that, over time, more kids will learn healthy emotional management and effective communication. Early life is the perfect time to lay a solid foundation for life and, in a way, that phase acts as a big training level for what is to come. That seems to be the direction things are headed. Time will reveal if that will continue and how it will turn out.

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Love, Loss, Pain, and Memories

Posted on November 2, 2022 by admin

In Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the main characters erase their memories of each other after their painful breakup. I’ve talked about that movie before so I won’t rehash it all here. Instead, I will focus on a brief scene that has stuck with me since I first saw it.

When Joel is at the memory erasing facility, a woman in the waiting room can be seen holding a variety of dog-related objects, including a picture of a dog and a bowl with the name “Buster” on the side. This suggests that she is there to erase the memories of her beloved dog after he died. She may have believed the pain to be beyond what she could bear and was willing to give up all of her memories of him as well as all of his belongings if doing so meant being free from the pain.

I could never erase my memories of my dog Sawyer. Beyond the confusion that would result from huge parts of my life suddenly being gone, I wouldn’t want to lose all the good stuff he gave me. All the love he showed me when I desperately needed it, all the times he made me laugh until I cried, all the ways he showed me how to better love myself and those close to me, and all the hard times during which he was there for me when nobody else was. I couldn’t stand to lose all of that. Nor could I stand to lose his beds, towels, blankets, toys, dishes, and other things he used regularly; his fur, whether the small bit I saved from his final moments or the fur I still find on my robe, blanket, clothes, and in other random places; the nose and paw prints the folks at the vet made for us after that final vet visit; and all the pictures, videos, documents, and gifts I have that feature him. All of that reminds me that Sawyer was here and it takes me back to the many wonderful experiences we shared. Giving all of that up is unfathomable to me.

Sawyer died a little over six months ago. Since then, I’ve had a lingering fear of forgetting precious moments we shared or even forgetting him entirely. This fear is exacerbated by the fact that many of the changes that have occurred since his death make it seem like he was never here at all. That’s why every day I revisit pictures and videos of him and update my Sawyer Moments list. I want to preserve as much as I can so I’ll remember him as vividly as possible, for as long as possible, and as closely as possible to who he was. I’d hate to forget him or become fixated on an idea of him that is vastly different than his actual self.

As I look back on pictures and videos of Sawyer, I often see things that I either forgot about or never noticed in the first place. Sometimes I notice toys of his that disappeared long ago and that I haven’t thought about in years. Other times I’ll see furniture that is no longer in the house or is now in a different part of the house. Often, especially when comparing old pictures and videos to more recent ones, I’ll see how some of his fur, especially around his face, went from brown to white as he aged. Most of the changes in his appearance happened so gradually over the course of his life that I didn’t notice them as they were happening. Only by looking back can I see the differences.

Even though I’ve worked through a lot of pain these past six months, I still have a lot of it left. Despite the pain, I am so thankful to still have so many wonderful memories of Sawyer. Our time together was overwhelmingly positive and I’m going to carry it with me for the rest of my life. I’m thankful I learned about letting go and got good at managing my emotions in a healthy way during his life. That emotional intelligence is allowing me to release the pain of losing him while still keeping all the good stuff he gave me. Even if I couldn’t eliminate any of that pain without also letting go of the memories, I’d still choose to keep my memories of him. Sawyer was my best friend ever. He made me a better human and I can’t imagine where I’d be at this point if our paths had never crossed. Though he may be gone physically, his memory and all the love he gave me will stay with me for the rest of my days.

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Six More Months

Posted on October 26, 2022 by admin

Earlier this year, I wrote a blog post about how much had changed over the previous six months. It’s been more than six months since that post and even more has changed. I think an update is in order.

Of everything that has changed this year, my dog Sawyer’s death has been by far the largest and most painful change. Even though it’s been a little over six months since our last goodbye and even though I’ve cried through gargantuan amounts of pain, the pain is still massive. It comes in waves. Some days are super easy and others are beyond horrible. The horrible days almost always occur whenever I come upon another milestone since Sawyer’s death: my birthday, a major holiday, starting a new season of the year without him, a certain amount of time since our final goodbye, etc. Anything significant that he’ll no longer celebrate with me brings with it a great deal of pain.

Sometimes the great days can be harder than the difficult days. This can happen with one great day and especially when I have several great days in a row. The latter reminds me of 2018. Everything I experienced that year seemed to either be good or at least moving in that direction. Many of my favorite memories ever occurred that year. Whenever I start feeling similarly to how I did then, I’m always met with the rude awakening that Sawyer isn’t here anymore. That plus several other major unpleasant changes since then remind me that those days are long gone. I then get the sense that I’ll never recover the magic, wonder, and relief I felt in 2018, or that I’ll never reach even greater heights.

Sawyer was the first of several losses this year. About a week after his death in late April, a family member’s cat died. I often visited with him when I went to family gatherings and last saw him in March, about a month before both he and Sawyer died. In May, a friend lost her mom. While we didn’t know each other long enough to get real close, the death was still unexpected and sad. Then in late June, another friend lost his dad. We weren’t very close but it was still painful. With each one of those deaths, I’ve wondered why they died and I kept going. That always crosses my mind when someone I know dies. I don’t know if I’ll ever learn the answer.

In addition to losing some through death, I’ve also fallen out with a few folks who are still alive. This seems to be a common pattern for me. Sometimes it’s healthy, other times it’s not. The hard part is knowing when it is and when it isn’t. I can’t tell when I’m running high on emotion, which is usually when I end up cutting people off. When my emotions are settled, I may keep people around even if I know they’re bad for me. I hope I get better at setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries.

Personal relationships have been all over the place. I still tend to feel uncomfortable around all but a few humans. I’ve seen how much hostility so many of them possess, including several I’ve spent a lot of time around for years now, and I don’t want to be on the receiving end of it or see anyone else meet the same fate. That’s largely why I much prefer the company of animals or simply spending time by myself. That said, most of the interactions I’ve had this year have at least been decent and, in many cases, have been wonderful. I hope that continues.

Additionally, I’ve realized how few people treat me as I prefer to be treated. I still go out of my way to learn how those close to me prefer others to talk and interact with them and then do my best to follow through as often as possible. Almost nobody does that for me, even among those I consider to be my friends. I’m so thankful for the few who do and I cling tightly to them. I wish more of my loved ones would do for me as I do for them, especially since I’ve written and talked so much about effective communication.

The business I started last December still hasn’t gone anywhere. While I haven’t given up on it, I also haven’t done anything with it in months. Although the lack of success in that area can be a bummer at times, I have found success through a number of juggling gigs. It’s been ages since I’ve had as many gigs as I’ve had thus far this year, and I still have several more gigs lined up over the next few months. That has lifted my spirits, connected me with some great folks, helped me pay bills, and showed me that there are multiple possible paths forward.

This year has been an extremely mixed bag for me. While it’s easier for me to remember the lows, there have also been several highs. Besides the juggling gigs, I’ve made progress with 5 clubs. At this rate, I think I’ll accomplish my goal of juggling 5 clubs before the year ends. That’s exciting to think about. Plus I’ve gotten to where my voice almost always stays calm even when I’m feeling stressed. I’m amazed that’s the case, considering all that’s happened this year. Regular swing dancing, visiting with lots of dogs and cats, and meaningful conversations with some wonderful humans round out the list of enjoyable things from the latter half of 2022. I have no idea what the next six months have in store for me. If nothing else, I hope that they’ll be less painful than the previous six months.

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Helpful Responses

Posted on October 19, 2022 by admin

Last week, I covered several kinds of responses that make things worse when someone is struggling. Today, I’ll look at a variety of helpful responses, several of which have been invaluable in my healing journey after losing my dog Sawyer earlier this year.

  1. Asking the other person what they are wanting and needing. This can be done by asking one or a few open-ended questions which include, but are not limited to, the following: “How can I help you with this?” “Do you want someone to listen, offer advice, hold space, give you space?” “How can I best support you?” Asking someone what they’re looking for is an excellent place to begin as it allows you to learn how to best support them. Best to find that early on so you can start down the proper path right out the gate.
  2. Asking them how they’re feeling about their struggle. If someone wants to talk about it, they may have a lot to say. They may also have little to nothing to say about it. In either case, it helps to know someone cares, and sometimes simply getting it off their chest without being judged for how they feel is all they need to feel much better.
  3. Listening. Listening to understand, also called empathic listening, is crucial for effectively supporting someone. You know you’ve succeeded at empathic listening when you can put what they’ve said into your own words and they verify that you’re correct. That shows that you’re actually listening instead of just waiting until they’re done to start speaking. Also, hear them out before giving advice. This applies even if they start off by asking for advice. If you hear twenty seconds of a ten minute story, you most likely won’t be able to offer good advice. If you listen to the whole story and make sure you understand it, you might be able to offer something beneficial.
  4. Keeping focus on the person who is struggling. Remember, you’re supporting someone who is going through a hard time, not expecting them to support you or making it all about yourself. Ask questions to get a feel for how they’re doing and to help you understand what their situation is like. This is much more effective than sharing a story from your own life or simply saying “I know how you feel”. The former can easily make the person feel ignored or burdened by something negative you’ve just told them and the latter is merely an assertion that you understand without in any way showing them that you actually do. Instead, you can repeat back certain words or phrases the person has said multiple times, ask how they feel about what they’ve described, and say things such as “That sounds difficult” or “Sounds like this has been a huge struggle for you”. All of that keeps the focus on them while still allowing you to show that you get what they’re saying.
  5. Welcoming them and their emotions. This can be difficult if the person is expressing a lot of sadness or anger. It can be tempting in those situations to offer a distraction or attempt to get the person to act as if they’re feeling better (whether or not they actually are). Avoiding both of those and instead allowing them to show up as they are is what facilitates healing. However, it’s perfectly fine to set boundaries against any abusive behavior the person may direct at you; helping someone heal doesn’t require becoming a victim or a doormat.
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Unhelpful Responses

Posted on October 12, 2022 by admin

Although there has been a huge surge of interest in psychology and healing, there has also been an influx of unhelpful responses. These can range from making things slightly worse to downright destroying somebody. Since the problem must first be diagnosed before a prescription can be given, I’ll cover some unhelpful responses in this post and some helpful responses in the next post. For now, here are some things to avoid when attempting to support someone going through a hard time.

  1. Saying “The pain never/never fully goes away”. This is absolutely the last thing I wanted to hear when I was drowning in sorrow shortly after my dog Sawyer’s death. I could barely do anything during that time other than lie on the couch and cry all day. How would it bring me any degree of comfort or peace to hear that that overwhelming pain would always be with me? It didn’t. It just made me feel even worse. Further, grief and loss are very individual things. One person may grieve a lost loved one for the rest of their life while another may find the grief has fully gone away after a certain amount of healing work. In either case, neither person should set an expectation for the other of how their journey will go as results vary widely and having an expectation in mind can often prevent healing, create disappointment, or both.
  2. Dismissing someone’s emotions. In addition to preventing healing, this is also downright rude. Even the people whom I’ve seen repeatedly dismiss the emotions of others hate when others do the same to them. I’ll admit that it can be frustrating at times to hear someone go on and on about their problems, especially if they do nothing to improve their situation. That being said, dismissing their emotions will only escalate an already difficult situation, strain relationships, and make things worse for everyone involved.
  3. Taking focus off of the person who is struggling. I hate when I pour my heart out to someone and they respond by bringing up their own experiences that they think are similar to what I’ve just described. Even when the situations are superficially similar, the pain is quite different since we are two different people who don’t experience anything the same way. Also, the longer they talk about their own experiences, the more it seems like they don’t care what I have to say and are only interested in talking about themselves. Regardless of their intentions, turning the focus onto themselves always makes me feel worse and I wish nobody did it.
  4. Starting off with “You should ________.” Immediately giving advice without first verifying what the other person is wanting and needing is extremely unhelpful. It’s also presumptuous to assume that someone wants advice or hasn’t yet tried a particular approach. If you don’t know what someone is looking for, then it’s much harder to help them. Often, all they’re wanting is someone to listen without judgment; once they’ve fully explained their situation, they almost always feel better and, in many cases, have talked themselves to a solution.
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Emotions and How We Treat Each Other

Posted on October 5, 2022 by admin

There is a lot of disagreement around emotional management and how we should treat each other. One common perspective says that nobody can control anybody else’s emotions. Another, perhaps less common, perspective says that nobody can truly fully control their own emotions. I see problems with both of those perspectives and would like to share my thoughts on them as well as a better approach.

Most humans have an ego, which I consider to be a fear-based set of programs intended to help us survive. The ego isn’t always active; when someone is doing something enjoyable, relaxing, or otherwise nonthreatening, the ego can get quiet. However, when something that seems to be a threat to one’s survival appears, the ego kicks in. Adrenaline and other stress hormones rush through the body, all focus is diverted to whatever it takes to end the threat, and one or more trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) are activated. Even after the apparent threat ends, this ego response can continue, particularly in people who’ve experienced a lot of trauma. This is why some people spend almost no time in their egos while others are in there almost constantly.

I have a few points based on the previous paragraph. The first one is that, as long as someone is in the grip of a trauma response, they are not able to control their emotions. In extreme cases, it’s as if the person isn’t even there anymore; only when the stress hormones recede to the point that the ego fades does the person return and regain some measure of control. Since this state can be brought about via the words or actions of another, the notion that nobody can control anybody else’s emotions is false.

The second point concerns warnings around graphic content. This is done to prepare people who’ve been traumatized in the event that something in the work they’re about to view triggers their trauma, especially if that work contains depictions of events similar to that which traumatized the person. That is an example of kindness. Kindness also appears whenever someone intentionally steers clear of subjects that they know are triggering for their traumatized loved ones. Additionally, on several occasions, I’ve heard the notion that ostracism registers the same in our brains as physical pain. If that’s true, then it offers an explanation for why being excluded from social groups and activities can hurt so badly for so many people. Between that and the points about trauma, I can’t believe in the notion that everyone can control their own emotions and nobody else has any influence there.

In fact, that sounds like an easy excuse for abusive people. What could be better for an abusive person than widespread acceptance of the notion that the emotional abuse they inflict on others is the fault of their victims for feeling upset? This could explain why it still appears common to hear “Suck it up”, “Get over it”, “Man up”, or another of many other demeaning phrases that excuse abuse. Regardless of the intent behind such phrases, they let bullies know that they can continue harming others without facing any resistance or consequences.

Along these lines, some people justify their own abusive actions while attempting to control the emotions of others. This can take the form of telling others not to feel upset, sad, scared, or angry, as well as asking or demanding that they don’t yell, grumble, or express any emotions other than positive ones. Though often done by abusive people, this may also occur for other reasons. However, whether it is done because someone feels uncomfortable around another person expressing negative emotions, wants the person to feel better out of a sense of concern, or something else entirely, it still comes across as controlling. Additionally, if someone stops another person from feeling through their emotions, they’re actually preventing that person from being able to heal and are doing them far more harm than good, even if their intentions are to help.

There is also the extremely important yet often ignored subject of how you feel vs what you do. It’s ok to feel any emotion, but it’s not ok to treat others badly while in a highly emotional state. Unfortunately, a lot of mistreatment can arise from someone who has been told all their lives that they’re wrong for feeling negative emotions. This results in suppression, which creates a huge amount of internal pressure, and that pressure builds until it finally explodes on anyone nearby. All of this can be avoided by making it clear that there is nothing morally wrong with feeling sad, angry, depressed, anxious, or any other emotion. It’s perfectly fine for everyone to feel whatever comes up but that doesn’t give them a license to abuse anyone in the process. Nor does it require anyone to accept any abuse.

Lots of people say they’re not affected by what others say or do to them but I think most of them are incorrect. While there are a few people who seem to be truly free from reactivity and remain unaffected by the words and actions of others, they are the exception. For everyone else, if they’re truly unaffected, why would they react with hostility when someone else insults them or something they enjoy doing? Why wouldn’t they merely shrug, laugh it off, ignore it, change the subject, or leave the situation? What unhealed emotional wound within them causes them to lash out at even the smallest perceived slight?

Here’s an example of reactivity from someone who is no longer in my life. She once responded to a request I made via text with a lengthy explanation of why what she did was ok, the role she played in my life (as if I didn’t already know that), that “There’s no right or wrong way for me [her] to respond”, and how my response had “nothing to do” with her. If that last point was correct, then why write a short novel going out of her way to assert that she played no part in how I felt or responded? Both at that time and to this day, her response sounded to me like extreme defensiveness on her part, as if she thought she was being personally attacked or didn’t believe what she was saying and was trying to convince herself that she was correct. Given that this is how she responded almost every time someone did or said something she disliked even a small amount, I can only imagine the amount of pride and insecurity she held onto. Sounds like a horrible way to live.

Unfortunately, she is far from the only one who has done this sort of thing on a regular basis. I’ve known many people who act however they want without any regard for how their actions affect those around them. Some will go beyond that by intentionally acting in ways that they know will trigger someone. The better they know someone, the more options they have with which to trigger that person, so their most frequent victims who receive their most cunning attacks are the people they claim to love. This is why it’s important to exercise extreme caution when choosing who gets to learn about your trauma and traumatic triggers; the right people will use that information to love you better while the wrong people will use it as a map to find the best ways to hurt and manipulate you any way they want.

Now for some of the problems with taking on too much responsibility for the emotions of others. I’ve lived this way for most of my adult life so I know from experience how awful it is. It’s incredibly draining as it requires examining everything I might say and, in most cases, either saying nothing at all or saying something innocuous in the hope of avoiding upsetting anyone. In the worst cases, it has resulted in my saying something I didn’t believe but hoped would be pleasing to others, thus removing even the remotest possibility of retribution. It also makes sticking up for anything or anyone (including myself) all but impossible. The fear of being hit, yelled at, shunned, or otherwise punished for saying the “wrong” thing prevents genuine interactions with anyone outside of a small handful of people I deeply trust.

When everyone else bends over backwards to prevent someone from feeling upset, it stops that person from learning how to manage their own emotions. While emotional intelligence can be difficult and painful to learn, it is essential for having an enjoyable life and being able to operate effectively in stressful situations. Many adults never get the hang of this and end up exploding on anyone who upsets them. It’s not always clear whether they’re emulating the examples their parents set for them from a young age, reacting to a traumatic trigger, or are acting in ways that have consistently gotten them what they’ve wanted (or something else entirely). In any event, these people are horrible to be around when things are going badly and stressful to be around even when things are going well; there’s always the question of what small thing will make them erupt, so whoever’s around them can never fully relax or enjoy the situation.

Some people don’t explode when they feel upset. Instead, they’ll shut down, leave, or do something to needlessly make a pleasant situation unpleasant. I did this for a long time and still do on occasion. Sometimes it comes from feeling overwhelmed without feeling safe to express my concerns and other times it’s meant to “punish” someone who did something I disliked. Most of the times I’ve done that, it’s been in response to something that I took personally even though it likely wasn’t meant as a personal attack against me. I hope I can fully move away from such reactions as I continue healing.

No matter how someone reacts when they feel upset, expecting others to manage their emotions for them is a recipe for constant disappointment. What happens what that person is around other humans who treat them badly and won’t honor requests for improved treatment? Or if they end up in a situation in which nobody else is around and they have to manage their own emotions effectively to resolve a major problem that arises? Some people learn the hard way that they can’t count on anyone else to do the emotional heavy lifting for them. Even if that were possible, it would leave them vulnerable to the slightest bit of negativity.

The deep peace I experienced for over a month last year remained unaffected by whatever happened around me. If I liked what was going on, it added to how well I felt. If I disliked something, the negativity it produced went away quickly and didn’t drag me down. I can’t remember a time before or since then that I’ve felt so strong, powerful, and adaptable on an emotional level for so long. I’m still working to get back to that emotional state. I wish everyone could experience it at least once. If that became everyone’s normal emotional state, then this post and most of my other posts would be irrelevant.

I long for that deep peace. I’ve felt incredibly emotionally vulnerable since I lost my dog Sawyer earlier this year. Today, I realized that I’m feeling more anxious in public places than I can ever recall. This has caused me to spend a lot more time by myself and withdraw significantly even from most people I’ve been close with for years. I rarely initiate conversations when I do go out to dance, juggle in the park, or do some other social activity; even when I get involved in a conversation, I contribute little and often do what I can to quickly end the exchange. All of this in the hopes of preventing further emotional pain during a time in which even small negative gestures or words can hurt me, even if they aren’t meant to do so. I don’t think this is a sustainable way to live long-term but it seems to be helping for now.

With all of this in mind, what can be done? I don’t have a complete answer but I do have some ideas. Because of the sheer number of humans and the range of experiences that have occurred, even the most seemingly innocuous action can trigger trauma in someone. This is bound to happen unintentionally at least some of the time. Whenever I do this to someone, I apologize and make a mental note to avoid repeating that mistake with that person. I think that’s the kindest and most practical option. I appreciate those who do this with me as well. At the same time, I work every day on healing myself so that I become less reactive and less vulnerable to whatever comes my way. I still hold out some hope that others will do the same, though I’m no longer convinced that such a thing is guaranteed to happen. If I think of or find any other ideas along these lines, I’ll include them in future posts. For now, this will suffice.

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