Handling Anger

Posted on January 11, 2023 by admin

For most of my life, I’ve struggled to handle anger in a healthy way. My main approach for decades was to stifle anger whenever it came up, believing that simply feeling angry was wrong or that allowing myself to feel angry would increase the angry feelings. This made me feel miserable much of the time and caused me to be quick to anger over even the smallest upsets. I also lashed out at others verbally and used physical force against inanimate objects or myself (and sometimes those around me), causing much pain and destruction in the process. The verbal lashing out was more common and ruined many of my relationships. Sometimes there was reconciliation after the emotions settled but many times there wasn’t.

Although my struggles have been numerous and varied, they all ultimately stem from how long I spent burying my emotions deep down instead of feeling them. Almost thirty years of doing this has shown me that buried emotions still come out, and usually in destructive ways, until they’re handled healthily. At least some of this struggle came from internalizing negative ways of handling anger that were both modeled for and forced upon me by those in power over me from a young age.

It’s not all bad news as I have made many improvements over the past few years. The greatest success has come from letting go of lots of fear and sadness. Anger tries to be the protector during the vulnerable times of feeling afraid or sad, so letting the fear and sadness pass often gets rid of lots of anger without me even having to directly work on the anger.

I’ve also gotten better at feeling through everything instead of acting those feelings out in harmful ways. When that doesn’t seem sufficient, I’ve found ways to express anger that don’t hurt me or anyone else. A quick verbal expression often does the trick; this could be a simple exclamation rather than words or sentences. For example, I spent at least a few minutes every day last year yelling while sitting alone in my car. That always made me feel much calmer and lighter. Physical activity, such as a walk, juggling session, dancing, or some other type of vigorous movement also helps. Burning off excess energy reduces the angry feelings without stuffing them down, hurting anyone, or turning me against myself.

Learning how to find effective solutions to problems instead of letting them linger, fester, and become worse over time has made a huge difference. That requires noticing how I’m feeling, what I’m needing, and figuring out how to give it to myself; when I need help with that, I lean on the ways I’ve learned how to communicate more effectively so I can avoid shouting, using sarcasm, or turning to other forms of cruelty. To do this when I’m feeling upset, I often have to pause for ten seconds or longer to let my emotions settle, recognize what I want to communicate, and choose my words carefully. Although I’m not always successful at this, I’m overall better at it now than I was at it for most of my life.

Sometimes I fall back on old habits by attempting to think away angry feelings. This can take the form of minimizing the feelings and whatever preceded them or trying to forcibly look on the bright side while ignoring the negative side. I get around that by reminding myself that it’s ok to feel angry and that the feelings will pass once I let them run without resisting them. To my surprise, that’s exactly how it works every time.

I’ve learned how crucial it is for my emotional well-being to take breaks as needed and get plenty of rest and sleep. Setting better boundaries to avoid abusive humans and getting alone time as needed have both been hugely beneficial. I’ve also gotten better at giving myself permission to feel angry. Often, reminding myself that the anger will pass as long as I give it enough attention without resistance is exactly what I need to be able to welcome that anger; avoiding condemning or shaming myself for how I feel and reminding myself that the emotions are valid also help. Thinking of myself as a little kid who feels upset and responding the ways I wish others had responded to me early in life makes me feel much better. Part of that involves forgiving myself when I cause harm while feeling angry as holding onto guilt or shame only exacerbates the angry feelings and prevents healing.

When I lost my dog Sawyer last year, I had a hard time working through all the anger that came up. There was a lot of it across several different areas. I felt angry at Sawyer for leaving me, those close to me for acting in ways I disliked leading up to his death, the vets for administering the fatal substances, myself for not doing more for him before and during that time, some folks for telling me how I should feel or what I should do (such as get “a new pet” less than a month after Sawyer’s death), and all pet owners I know for still having their beloved animal friends after I lost mine. It’s taken a lot of work to let go of most of that anger. Even when the remaining anger comes up, it’s way less intense than last year and leaves much sooner.

Anger still remains one of the most difficult emotions for me to handle. Sadness is incredibly easy for me to handle, fear is not far behind, and even depression is nowhere near the immovable object it once was. Yet anger remains a huge obstacle for me. It’s hard to get around the idea that it’s wrong to feel angry. I often have to remind myself that anger isn’t bad; I shouldn’t hurt myself or someone else in anger, but merely feeling angry isn’t wrong. Even with that in mind, I’ve still struggled to let anger run out fully when it comes up and often ended up ignoring or burying it.

I felt a lot of anger toward the end of last year and even more this year. The surprising part is how I’ve handled it extremely well this year. Simply pausing for a few minutes to let the angry feelings run has worked super well. It’s gotten to the point that I can feel incredibly angry about something and then forget about it minutes later. That was a wonderful surprise that came with a huge amount of relief. It seems like I’m finally turning the corner with anger and I hope I continue getting better at managing it in healthy ways. I’ve got a feeling I will.

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Review of When a Pet Dies

Posted on January 4, 2023 by admin

When a Pet Dies is a wonderful book by Fred Rogers, better known as Mister Rogers. As the title suggests, it explores pet loss and the many emotions that come up afterward. Here’s my take on this incredible work by an incredible man.

In When a Pet Dies, Mister Rogers acknowledges that losing a pet is an extremely painful experience. He says that it may bring sadness and anger, and that someone who has experienced that loss may want to spend extra time around loved ones or have extra time alone. Further, he makes it clear that, over time, it will become easier to remember the good times with the pet without feeling as upset. In all of this, he encourages families to go through the book together, talk about how they’re all feeling, and include each other in whatever ways they have of working through the pain and paying tribute to their pet.

Because When a Pet Dies is intended for young kids, it is written simply and clearly. I like simple things since I can get confused easily, even when I’m feeling good. When I’m feeling upset and overwhelmed, I can’t understand anything complicated. That’s when I turn to works that are clear, simple, and direct. Like the rest of Mister Rogers’ work, When a Pet Dies is extremely simple and easy to understand. The book is also quite short at just 27 pages, all of which have big pictures and small amounts of text. This makes it even easier to embrace its comforting messages.

When a Pet Dies helped me immensely after losing my dog Sawyer. I lost him last April and didn’t get the book until shortly before Christmas. Although I had healed a lot by the time I read it on Christmas and again in the early hours of 2023, I still found value in the book. The truths it contains, alongside the comforting reminders that it’s ok to feel upset, were incredibly touching. I’ve written before about how much I admire Mister Rogers. A huge part of that admiration comes from how he always made it safe to feel sad, scared, angry, and every other emotion, and he certainly did that with this book. Even today, I still often need permission, whether from myself or someone else, to fully explore the deepest and most painful emotions. When a Pet Dies is full of such permission. It reminded me of the episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood he did on death. His calm, comforting demeanor was a blessing in both that episode and this book.

If you or someone you know has lost a pet, I highly recommend checking out When a Pet Dies. It can provide comfort to those who are hurting, suggest ways of healing from an incredibly painful loss, and act as a stepping stone toward greater peace. There is a lot of cruelty and bad information about loss in the world. That makes this work of love and good information even more essential. I hope it helps you or someone you love find peace and comfort.

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2022 Year End Review

Posted on December 28, 2022 by admin

Without a doubt, 2022 has been the hardest, most painful year of my life. All the years that held that title in the past seem like nothing in comparison to this year. Here are some observations about it.

The year felt incredibly short to me but it also felt like two different years: one with my dog Sawyer and another one without him. I still find it hard to believe that this year started with us visiting together and ended with me alone. Sawyer came home in 2011 so this is the first year I’ll be ending without him since 2010; next year will be the first year I’ll start without him since 2011. That still blows my mind. I hope I’ll be able to effectively handle whatever emotions arise as the calendar changes over.

Losing Sawyer sunk me for more than half of the year. In addition to all the pain I had before his death, I then gained all the pain of losing him. That was a huge burden to bear and work through as best as I could. It took everything I had over more than 8 months to get to a fairly stable place within the final few months of 2022. Thank goodness my schedule this year was so flexible. I don’t know what I’d have done if my time for healing was as limited this year as it was last year.

Holidays were hard without Sawyer, at least the few big holidays toward the end of the year that I celebrate. Thanksgiving wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Christmas itself was quite difficult. I cried a lot on that day despite lots of emotional releases all throughout the month. Seeing all the decorations and hearing all the Christmas music long before December started got me thinking a lot about past Christmases with Sawyer: him coming in my room to get me up, getting treats in his little stocking, lying down on my weighted blanket last year, going along with me to visit some family members on Christmas afternoon, and sleeping by the Christmas tree. December was the first month in a while in which I cried every day over Sawyer. Fortunately, I was able to honor my emotions enough to genuinely enjoy Christmas despite still missing him.

A stressful event toward the end of the year made it even harder. It challenged my writing and my ability to persevere more than almost anything I’ve ever experienced. Not having Sawyer here to help me get through it made it even worse. I’m glad to say I finished on a high note when it ended in late November and I’ve moved past it pretty well by now. More often than not, I even forget it ever happened. If I get into a situation like that again, I hope it goes much better than this one did.

A three-day gig I had in Fernandina Beach was the first time I’ve spent the night outside my house since coming back from a work trip in September of 2020. It was so hard for me to be away even for a couple of days. That pain plus several other problems made the first day of the gig one of the worst days I’d had in months. The gig itself went well overall, even on the first day, thanks to everything I cried out on my drive over there. I cried more at the hotel that night, felt much better, and had an even better time the next day. Things took a turn shortly after the gig ended that day, though. Enough of a turn to put me on edge for the rest of that day and the first part of the final day of the gig. Fortunately, the last day went super well. Outside of the gig, I went to a s’mores party in Georgia, explored the festivities around Fernandina, had lunch with a friend, and got to pet lots of dogs, a cat, and even a bunny. The highlight of the gig was the two Pomeranian pups I got to pet and hold the first two days of the gig. I’m so glad that almost everything worked out fine there.

Overall, I feel more distant from humans than I ever have. I make almost no effort to engage in conversation when I go out to dance, juggle, or do practically anything else. Mostly, I go out to have fun with activities I enjoy and stick mostly to myself when I’m not dancing, juggling, etc. I have grown apart from many while simultaneously growing closer than ever to a small handful. Winter in general and Christmas in particular tend to exacerbate the lonely feelings; that was certainly the case this year. I don’t think I’d have gotten through it without a few close friends, regular visits with cute animals, and a ton of emotional work and self-care. Even with all that, I often wondered if I would make it. I’m glad I did.

Although there has been a lot of bad this year, there has also been a lot of good. My juggling is overall better than it’s been in a long time. Juggling 5 clubs was my biggest juggling feat ever and getting that made my whole year. The monthly juggling event I host has flourished enough to consistently draw several skilled, dedicated jugglers who always make it fun. I also had lots of great juggling gigs that benefited me in several ways, including letting me travel to several familiar places and at least one new place this year.

While my interactions with others have radically changed, there is still good to be found there. I’m focusing almost exclusively on quality rather than quantity of my relationships, seeing family more than I have in several years, developing better boundaries, having more meaningful conversations and fewer trivial ones, removing negative influences from my life, visiting regularly with lots of wonderful animals, and being more genuine in most of my interactions. It’s as if I’m finally putting into practice all the lessons I’ve learned about engaging with others. That’s such a wonderful experience, to know how to use the knowledge I’ve gained instead of just thinking or talking about it.

Many of my years over the past decade have been incredibly hard. The year 2017 remains one of the most difficult, painful years of my life. So much good was stripped away and so much bad took its place. That year didn’t start letting up until more than halfway through, and even then it was a slow shift from mostly negative to mostly positive. Some good did start accruing toward the end of that year and I built upon it the next year. All of those good things plus hardly any bad things made 2018 the best year of my life. In contrast, each of the past three years has taken a lot from me: 2020 took away most of my swing dancing opportunities and a lot of my idealism, 2021 took away my job and the connections I had there, and 2022 took away Sawyer. I’ve felt similarly this year to how I felt in 2017, only the pain has been much more severe. Fortunately, as with 2017, 2022 has smoothed out greatly for me over the final few months of the year. That gives me hope.

Until recently, I’d never had three incredibly hard, destructive years in a row. Navigating this previously uncharted territory has been an emotional roller coaster. Somehow, I’m feeling a bit of excitement for the coming year. That’s been one of the most surprising things about the last few months of 2022. I hope that the good I’ve started building this year from everything that I’ve learned over the past few years will result in 2023 being a wonderful year for me. I’d love it if 2023 ends up being similar to 2019, as that was the last good year I had (it didn’t feel like it at the time since it wasn’t as nice as the prior year, but I’d gladly take it at this point). If 2023 is more like 2018, that’d be even better. At the very least, I hope 2023 is kinder to me than 2022 was.

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Reviewing My 2022 Goals

Posted on December 21, 2022 by admin

Since this year is almost over, it’s time to review the goals I had set for 2022. I don’t think I’ve ever accomplished every goal I set in a given year and this year was no exception. How did it go this time? Let’s take a look.

  1. Publish my book. I’ve been working on my communication book on and off for several years now. Even though I’ve nearly finished the first draft, there’s still a lot to do with it, including editing the final draft, adding illustrations, and figuring out how I want to publish it. However, I’ve done enough so far to make publishing it in 2022 an achievable goal and I’m going to make that happen.

    This didn’t happen. I severely underestimated how much work there is left to do before my book is complete. There is a huge amount of writing I have to finish, then edit, then hire someone to edit further, and so on for several more steps before I even think about how to publish it. All the pain and struggle of this year plus regular disappointment at how much horrible communication still occurs made me want to give up entirely on the book at times. When I’m ready, I’ll return to working on my book in the hope of getting it published sometime in the next few years.

  2. Launch my business. All the healing work I did this year gave me the inspiration to start my own business as well as the courage to follow through. I’ve spent much of this month working on it at my own pace. Since there are no products for sale, it’s entirely service-based, has low starting and overhead costs, and it’s a predominantly online business, I’m almost ready to go. I plan to launch it in January and I hope it catches on quickly so it can add value to many lives, including my own.

    I successfully launched my business, although it didn’t go anywhere. I started the business early last December and made it available to my friends and acquaintances this past January. Throughout the year, I held several free workshops over video call in the hopes of encouraging at least a few people to become customers. Unfortunately, nobody did. Just as it seemed I was going in a great direction, I lost my dog Sawyer. The overwhelming grief, sadness, despair, and general pain I felt made me put off doing anything with the business for most of the year after. Eventually, I stopped hosting the free workshops. I rarely ever think about the business at this point and I have no idea what I’ll do with it in the future. Still, since my goal was only to launch it, I consider this goal to have been successfully completed.

  3. Get more juggling gigs. Aside from the two that I had this month, I haven’t had a paid juggling gig since late 2020. I used to get a lot more of them and I also used to enjoy them a lot more than I have the past few years. Next year, I want to get more gigs, both because they pay well and because they’re a blast, even when I feel afraid. I also want to dive deep into the fear and anxiety around them so I can heal it and have fun like I used to.

    One of my greatest successes this year! My first gig this year was in Jekyll Island, Georgia, back in March. It was one of the easier gigs I’ve done for unexpected reasons. I even stayed afterward to play and hang out with the other performers at the after party. That gig also allowed me to check off my yearly goal of going somewhere new to me as I’d never been to Jekyll Island before this year. I’ve had more gigs this year than I have in many years and I’ve enjoyed them all, though some have been much more fun for me than others. The best ones have been whenever onlookers get into it, play along, and have a great time. I’m glad that most of the gigs this year have been that way and I hope that’s how any future gigs I have will be.

  4. Juggle 5 clubs. This one has been on my list for years now. I learned to juggle 5 balls more than a decade ago. Not too long after that, I learned to juggle 5 rings. So far, I have yet to juggle 5 clubs. It’s the only one of the main juggling props of which I haven’t juggled 5. I managed to flash 5 clubs a lot last year and a few times this year but I haven’t yet managed a full juggle. I plan to change that by finally learning to juggle 5 clubs in 2022.

    I did it! Of the three goals I accomplished this year, this is the one gave me the most joy. It took way longer than I thought it would. I spent most of this year improving my juggling technique and slowly building up the necessary skill for this accomplishment. Lots of self-care (including wrist stretches and taking a lot of time off in April to let me wrists recover from overuse) and taking at least one rest day a week allowed me to make fairly consistent progress. Fortunately, all that practice and persistence paid off: I got 10 catches on December 19th! The pattern was also pretty good, considering it was my first successful one with 5 clubs. That felt even better. Still, I wish I had worked toward this goal consistently from 2020 onward. If I had, I probably would have gotten it during Sawyer’s life. Since I missed that opportunity, I became even more determined to get it before the end of 2022 as this was the final year we spent some time together. And I succeeded! I immediately felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders as all the pressure to reach this milestone went away. I’m so glad I got this.

  5. Stretch every day. I’ve never managed to stick to a regular stretching regimen for long. I don’t know why since I always feel better when I stretch and I’ve come close to making it a habit on many occasions. I’m determined to fix this by stretching a little bit every day next year, even if it’s only for a minute a day. If I can stretch every day of the year, it’ll become a habit that even I’ll find difficult to break and my body will thank me for it.

    Didn’t get this one. Even though I stretched more this year than I have in any other year, I only stuck with daily stretching for the first few months of 2022. Since sometime in the spring, I’ve done a great deal of wrist stretches to keep my wrists in good shape from all the juggling I do. However, even that has been something I’ve done several times a week rather than every day. I’ve noticed lots of growing tension and occasional pain in my lower body through the course of this year. To remedy that, I want to start stretching each day for the remainder of 2022 and continue that through every day in 2023. I hope I succeed this time.
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My Goals for 2023

Posted on December 14, 2022 by admin

As I do toward the end of every year, it’s time to set some goals for next year. After the insane mess that was 2022, I’m keeping it simple in 2023. If I have only a few goals and I accomplish all of them, I’ll feel great, start looking for other things to work on, and end up easily accomplishing more than I set out to do. I’d much rather do that than bite off more than I can chew, fail at several of my goals, and set myself back in many ways. With all that said, here are my goals for 2023.

  1. Stretch every day. This was a goal I set for this year but it didn’t last longer than a few months. I benefited greatly from doing it, especially when I started stretching my wrists as part of my preventative self-care and recovery for juggling. Next year, I plan to do at least some stretching each day.
  2. Get my book ready for editing. After losing my dog Sawyer, I lost a huge amount of will to do almost anything, including work on my book. The emotional pain I’ve felt since then along with the remaining cruelty in the world has also made me question what value a book on communication could have. As a result, I still have a lot of work to do before it’s ready to publish. If I write a little bit every day throughout 2023, I think it will be ready for the final edits before that year ends. That seems like a much more attainable goal for me at this point than trying to get it published sometime in the next twelve months. I hope I can stick to it and make it happen.
  3. Heal my deep-seated trauma. I’ve worked through a lot of pain over the past few years. Clearing out the stuff that’s closer to the surface has vastly improved my mental health but I still have a lot of deep issues to address. This year, I started digging real deep. Difficult as that was, it’s been hugely beneficial. I realized more than ever before how much that deep pain has been holding me back and making me do things I’d rather not as well as preventing me from things I’d rather do. It’s time for me to heal all the deep-seated trauma that has been festering my whole life and making everything worse for me. If I can’t get through it all in the remains of 2022, I’ll do what it takes to clear it in 2023.
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Nostalgia

Posted on December 7, 2022 by admin

Over the past decade, there has been a lot of talk about repetition in popular media. Modern movies routinely get multiple sequels, several famous movies from the late 20th century are getting remade, and even some TV shows end up taking a similar path. There are many ideas as to why this is happening. Personally, I think nostalgia is the driving force behind all of this.

Nostalgia involves looking fondly upon something from one’s past. Sometimes the fondness is accompanied by sadness if the thing in question is no longer around or is quite different than it once was. Nostalgia can exist around movies, TV shows, books, businesses, humans, animals, houses, vehicles, toys, games, commercials, and just about anything else.

Although nostalgia can arise at any moment, it’s more likely to appear during major life changes: moving out, going to college, getting married, retiring, etc. Those situations may be positive and beneficial even in the short run. However, there may still be some temporary stress around them. This is where nostalgia can come in to provide some comforting familiarity and stability amidst the novelty and instability.

Nostalgia can be even more powerful during painful times. A trusty stuffed animal who’s been with you your whole life can be of great comfort when it seems everyone else is against you. A beloved movie with a happy ending from your first few years reminds you that things can turn out well. A book series that you’ve read more times than you can count lets you go on a journey whose every twist, turn, and finale you already know well in advance, unlike in life. When everything is painful and changing, nostalgia offers peace and consistency.

In good or bad times, there can be huge amounts of comfort in taking refuge in fond memories, people, and objects from beloved moments in life. In the good times, such trips down memory lane can serve as pleasant reminders of where we’ve come from and how we got here. In the bad times, they can provide enough relief from the daily drudgery to carry on. This is certainly the case in my own life. I don’t often look to nostalgic things when I’m feeling good and my life is going the way I want it to go. On those occasions, I’m more focused on what’s going on around me and also tend to look forward to see what might come next. Mostly, I find myself looking to nostalgic things in times of uncertainty, instability, and pain. The major reminiscings I did this past March occurred months after a series of huge, painful life changes. As I struggled to work through the pain, I kept returning to memories, media, and mementos from easier times. That gave me a lot of comfort when I sorely needed it.

While no time in my life was perfect, overall, my childhood contained less responsibility, more fun, less work, and more wonder than my adulthood. I’m not alone here. There have been incredible amounts of instability, turmoil, and change over the lives of many people close to me in age. The technological changes alone are enough to get us longing for the simpler days of our more analog youth. Add to that several huge, negative world events over a relatively short amount of time and an increasingly uncertain future and it’s no surprise that many of us are doing whatever we can to recapture the magic and comfortable simplicity of childhood.

I’ve felt childlike for most of my life. Even now, I still feel like a little kid attempting to navigate a big, confusing adult world. Losing my dog Sawyer earlier this year has made me feel even more like a helpless little kid. As a result, I’ve clung that much tighter to nostalgic things wherever I can find them. Sometimes I fear I’m living too much in the past and not spending enough time in the present moment. And the future? That’s something I dread. It’s so easy to look back on my life and see how everything fit together so wonderfully. When I look forward, I can’t see where I’m going through the dense, ominous fog of uncertainty. Whatever comes next, I hope I can navigate it effectively enough that I someday look back on it fondly rather than regretfully.

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More on Emotions and How We Treat Each Other

Posted on November 30, 2022 by admin

A while ago, I shared my take on emotions and the responsibility we have toward each other. Here are some additional thoughts I’ve had on these issues since that post.

In some situations, we have little to no responsibility for the emotions of others. For example, if I physically resemble someone who abused you, you might very well feel uncomfortable around me. That is a perfectly understandable response given how trauma works, although it won’t be either of our faults that you feel that way.

However, suppose that I have repeatedly abused you. In that case, it is my fault if you feel uncomfortable around me, whether because of the past pain I’ve inflicted upon you or because of the possibility of future pain I might inflict upon you. I’d be incorrect in saying that your emotions around me weren’t my responsibility or that how you acted in my presence had nothing to do with me. I’d also be incorrect in making those statements if I had made effective communication between us impossible and you were then reluctant to talk to me.

The same applies for the attitude somebody brings to their interactions. I occasionally see a distinction made between someone who is intimidating and others who feel intimidated. Sometimes the responsibility for that is on those who feel intimidated. Other times, it is on the person who being intimidating, especially if they are shouting, getting right in someone else’s face, or using/threatening to use violence. Someone who acts like that can rightly be said to be acting in an intimidating way and can’t rightly say that their behavior doesn’t affect how those around them feel or that it’s the fault of others for feeling intimidated.

This is another reason I reject the notion that nobody is responsible for anybody else’s emotions. It’s far too easy for abusive people to run with that idea, abuse others, and then claim that the emotions and responses to that abuse have nothing to do with them. Disabusing them of that notion by refusing to accept their bad behavior offers a chance that they’ll change their ways. If not, at least you’ll be free from their abuse.

Additionally, I’ve noticed those who act as if they’re not responsible for anyone else’s emotions also act as if others are responsible for their emotions. Hence their hypocrisy in how they treat others horribly while demanding others treat them wonderfully. They also tend to lash out at simple requests, clarifying questions, and objective statements pointing out simple facts; it’s as if they assume that any of those are insults or personal attacks against them. And if anyone calls them on this, do they examine themselves, see the error of their ways, apologize, and do better from then on? More often than not, no. Instead, they deflect, play dumb, verbally (or sometimes physically) attack the other person, turn the tables by accusing that person of behaving badly, or otherwise attempt to dodge the reality of their behavior. The overall reaction is one of defensiveness and shutting others down instead of listening and considering how their actions have impacted those around them.

I always appreciate seeing reminders about how everyone has some struggle. A message saying “Be kind. Everyone has their own journey” was painted on a fence next to a road I often take. Unfortunately, it appears to have been painted over recently. Fortunately, I saw it enough times to remember it verbatim and I think about it each time I pass that fence. I’ve seen enough similar messages in enough places to know that others recognize the importance of showing kindness, compassion, and love. That suggests that others also believe we have some responsibility in how we treat each other. That’s always encouraging to see.

Nobody has to treat anyone else like royalty, but everybody can at least refrain from being jerks. I’ve thought a lot about this since my dog Sawyer’s death. The added vulnerability I’ve felt for most of this year has got me focusing even more than I did before on how others treat me and how I treat them. My patience for anything even remotely resembling abuse is at an all-time low. With the exception of my worst days, my willingness to be kind is at an all-time high. Even when I don’t have it in me to be kind, I at least refrain from being cruel. If everyone ceased acting cruelly toward others, then the world would be a much better place, even without an increase in active kindness. I hope that happens.

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Great Habits from Years Past

Posted on November 23, 2022 by admin

I had a lot of habits as a kid that allowed me to have multiple hobbies and extracurricular activities while still doing well in school without burning out. Most of those beneficial habits were unintentional, planned for me by others, or both. As a result, it’s taken me a long time to realize what they were and why they helped me so much. Putting several of them into practice this year has been incredibly beneficial for my health and well-being.

From elementary through high school, I had largely consistent times for going to bed and waking up, and I got more than enough sleep most nights. I slept in when I didn’t have school or a pressing reason to wake up early and sometimes got less than enough sleep when I woke up early for trips but those were only occasional exceptions. All that quality sleep provided a solid foundation for everything else in my life for almost two decades.

I always watched TV while eating breakfast before school. As far as I can remember, I never stressed about tests, quizzes, presentations, extracurriculars, or any other activities that would be happening later that day. I focused on whatever show or commercial was on as I ate, completely unconcerned with anything in the future. Similarly, I often read a book on long car trips. I’d get so absorbed into the book that I wouldn’t hear anybody else in the car talking, even if they were talking about me, to me, or calling my name. I loved being so deeply in the moment that nothing else took away the enjoyment of whatever I was doing at the time. That’s a skill I somehow had long before I started consciously working on it years after seeming to lose it.

My social life was much better balanced for most of my upbringing than it’s been since I became an adult. There were a few times for socializing in school, such as during lunch and PE, but those were about it. Most of my time in school involved sitting down quietly, listening to the teacher, and doing work at my desk. Even interactions with the teacher were mostly limited to asking questions or giving answers. Outside of school, I stuck mostly to myself at home. My afternoons were largely spent watching TV, swimming, reading, juggling, doing schoolwork, playing with my toys, and relaxing. Sometimes I’d go visit with friends but those times were few and far between. Plenty of time to myself kept me from getting burnt out, made me look forward to socializing when it came around, and allowed me to recover fairly quickly from whatever difficult, stressful, or draining things occurred.

This phase of my life occurred long before I realized I had anxiety and depression, and long before they worsened. It was even longer before I learned how to effectively manage those issues, along with stress and other negative emotions. As such, I credit my relatively stable and consistent activities during those years to the solid habits and routines that I had then. Without them, I can’t imagine doing more than a fraction of what I accomplished; even then, I’m certain I’d have felt much more stressed and gotten totally burned out.

In adulthood, the pressure to be social almost constantly whenever I go out is a huge part of what has burned me out so much over the past decade. There is nearly nonstop talking and “socializing” at nearly every event I attend, whether it’s related to dancing, juggling, a holiday, or just about anything else. I greatly appreciate those who can enjoy a dance, a round of juggling, or meaningful moment without filling every single second with words. My closest friends also give me plenty of space. This allows us to better enjoy each other’s company when we do see each other and prevents our interactions from becoming overbearing on anybody.

I’ve gotten back to spending lots of time at home to rest and recover from exhaustion. On my best days, I can take good enough care of myself to prevent exhaustion, which is much easier than recovering from it. When I do go out for activities I enjoy, I do so on my own terms rather than being forced into doing it somebody else’s way. That means I leave when I’m ready to leave, back out of conversations that I dislike, spend time by myself as needed, and tend toward focused group activities (such as a game or athletic event) rather than talking circles that go nowhere interesting.

I also seem to be getting back the deep focus on the present moment I mentioned earlier. A great example is my monthly juggling event from a few weekends ago. I had a juggling gig later that day. In fact, I had to leave my event early to make it to the gig on time. Despite that, I hardly thought about the gig while I was in the park and I didn’t stress about it at all until after I’d left. That made for a lovely afternoon and got the rest of my day started on a good foot.

Rediscovering and implementing these practices has allowed me to recapture the magic I experienced so often as a kid without the exhaustion I’ve felt so much as an adult. Everything I’ve said in this post has become even more crucial since I no longer have my dog Sawyer to help me recover from burnout. I’m so thankful I had him as long as I did, and that I developed enough emotional intelligence and gathered enough life hacks to be doing as well as I am despite losing him. If I’m doing this well now, who knows how well I’ll be doing after another year of living more effectively? I look forward to seeing it.

Posted in Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Great Habits from Years Past

Recent Relief

Posted on November 16, 2022 by admin

Earlier this month, I realized that I’ve been feeling better lately than I have for most of this year. This realization occurred after I had gotten more sleep from going to bed much earlier than usual several days in a row. The extra hour of sleep at the end of Daylight Saving Time made me feel even better. The quality and quantity of sleep I get does more than almost anything else to determine my mood so I’m glad to have improved in both of those areas recently.

There was also extra swing dancing toward the end of last month. Although there used to be swing dancing at the Volstead every Sunday night for most of every year, it’s only been happening twice a month since this past May; before that, it was once a month since November of 2021, and that was after being nonexistent for more than a year. This past October, there was a special third night of dancing on the Sunday before Halloween. Lots of Halloween music, decorations, and costumes made the night extra fun. That additional Sunday dance also meant that there were two Volstead Sundays in a row. Finally, I enjoyed the first Volstead Sunday this month more than almost any other this year. All of that felt like old times and put a little extra spring in my step.

My voice for most of this month has been consistently smoother, steadier, and more resonant. That’s always a sign that I’m feeling hardly any stress, effectively managing the stress that does appear, and doing well overall emotionally. I’ve accomplished that this time around by adding more positives and removing several negatives. Aside from several negatives I’ve removed in recent memory, there’s another huge negative that will be behind me before this month ends. In general, I dislike having things hanging over my head, particularly stressful things. I always feel relieved when something negative ends, especially when it’s something I never have to deal with again. As for the positives, I’ve had plenty of meaningful interactions with good humans and animals. I love visiting lots of puppies every week, frequently petting some neighborhood cats on my walks, and spending more time around humans who make me feel wanted and loved. I’m thankful to have gotten that in spades as of late.

My juggling, in particular my progress with 5 club, has gone incredibly well for almost this entire year. Last month, I went from 5 catches to 6. Last week, I reached 7 catches on Tuesday and then 8 on Thursday! Since I only need 10 catches to juggle 5 clubs, I’m on track to get there well before this year is through. That will allow me to check off a huge goal of mine for this year. I look forward to making that happen soon.

My emotional life has almost never been better than it is now. It’s been almost 7 months since my dog Sawyer’s death. There is still healing to do but I’m feeling much better than I have for most of this year after working through a ton of pain since April. My recent good feelings come in large part from having the courage to face painful emotions in this and many other areas. In especially difficult times, I have to give myself permission (sometimes out loud) to feel whatever feelings need to be felt. Even that has been easier lately. I hope all of this means I’ve worked through enough difficult emotions to be finished with the most painful part of this particular journey. Time will tell.

Whenever I listen to “For the Longest Time” by Billy Joel, it takes me back to when I first heard it: the Volstead in late 2017. That was one of the hardest years of my life. By the time I heard that song, life had improved significantly for me and seemed to keep getting better in every way. While watching others dance as I sat down to catch my breath, I noticed that I felt great for the first time in ages. Years later, I listen to that song every time I drive home from the Volstead. I’ve gotten the same feelings from it the past few weeks as I did upon first hearing it in late 2017. It’s also gotten me thinking about how similar 2022 has been to 2017. Both years took so much from me and didn’t start letting up until almost the end. Despite the pain, they both contained unexpected joys along the way, such as meeting some good new people and getting lots of time with familiar, comforting faces. Sawyer was my most painful loss of this year but wasn’t my only loss, and nothing I’ve lost will come back. Despite those facts, I still have greater peace about my life than I have in a long, long time. I hope this is leading toward another year like 2018 or even 2019. Either of those would be welcome reliefs after 3 years of getting pounded every which way. Whatever happens, I’m feeling good and know that I can always get back up after getting knocked down, even if it takes me a while to find my footing.

Posted in Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement, Swing Dancing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Recent Relief

Life Training Levels

Posted on November 9, 2022 by admin

Some video games come with training levels. In a training level, it doesn’t matter how many times your character dies, how long it takes to complete a task, or how many attempts it takes to learn the controls. You can spend as much time there as you need to get a feel for everything before playing the actual game. Further, nothing that happens in those training levels affects regular gameplay, making them wonderful opportunities to learn how to play without adversely affecting the main game.

I’d love it if life itself had training levels. While there are a number of skills that can be learned and improved upon fairly quickly, others take years, decades, or even an entire lifetime. Costly mistakes made in certain key areas (parenting, business, relationships of all types, etc) can create problems that may linger for many years to come, and some might never go away. It’d be wonderful if there were training levels for life that allowed everyone to learn and master emotional intelligence, effective communication, social interactions, and other extremely challenging skills early on. If all of that were restricted to the training levels rather than regular life, that would prevent so many painful mistakes and regrets that almost everybody deals with.

Those training levels would be even better if they could be accessed at any time, whether someone is just starting out in life, needs a refresher later in life, or gets a quick boost somewhere in between. Imagine an extremely difficult situation that you’ve never faced before. When that happens in real life, lots of people freak out, fall back on bad habits that make the situation worse, and then feel upset about it for a long time afterward. Now imagine that same situation with a training level: you pause your life, go into a training level that covers this sort of thing, and work at it as much as you need to get a feel for it. Then you resume life, handle the situation extremely effectively, and move on feeling satisfied. No time wasted and no costly mistakes made. That’d be incredible. Parents would know exactly what to do for their kids at any given moment, business failures could be averted well in advance, healing conversations in all kinds of relationships would become the norm, and nothing damaging would ever be said or done in the heat of the moment.

Some people think that learning those lessons in life itself is an essential part of the journey. Even if they’re correct, having training levels would offer a version of that with much lower costs to failure. As an example, there’d be no more abusive relationships in real life where there is trauma, lasting regret, and other major issues since everything one would need to know about avoiding abusive relationships could be learned in a training level. And nobody would have to use those training levels if they didn’t want to. They’d be available for those wanting to learn how to live more effectively without making huge (and often lasting) mistakes, but anybody who wanted to avoid them could certainly do so.

I can’t imagine how much trouble I’d have avoided if I had access to life training levels. I’d have learned everything I now know about emotional intelligence and effective communication at a much younger age; either one of those by itself would have probably prevented the majority of my mistakes and saved many relationships of all sorts. Without my deep-seated emotional issues, I could have spent much more meaningful time with my loved ones, several of whom died either before I started getting the hang of healthy emotional management or shortly thereafter. I would have felt comfortable enough to have regular visits with several loved ones who are still alive instead of staying away for several years. I’m certain that my priorities would have been better arranged so that I’d have spent more time with my dog Sawyer during his life, especially in his final years, months, weeks, and days, instead of pursuing activities that left much to be desired. Any extra interactions I’d gotten with him and my other loved ones would have been even more wonderful due to more focus on the present moment, greater love, and less absentmindedness and fear.

It pains me that there are no such life training levels; that the many past mistakes I’ve made have negatively impacted my life and, in some cases, will continue to do so even if I never make another mistake again; and that, at least in this life, there will be no more opportunities to visit or make things right with my loved ones who’ve already died. I so wish none of those were true. All I can do is continue learning, healing, growing, and sharing my journey with those interested.

I’ve done practice essays, quizzes, and tests in school. The practice versions didn’t count for or against me, so if I did poorly on them, they didn’t hurt my grade. However, they always gave me an idea of how the actual assignments would be, showed me the parts I had under control, and highlighted areas that needed extra attention before I got to the real thing. Those were all hugely beneficial and were a large part of why I managed to do as well as I did in school. At this point, getting good at learning and finding ways to learn quickly are as close as I can get to life training levels. It’s not the same but it’s better than nothing.

I hope that, over time, more kids will learn healthy emotional management and effective communication. Early life is the perfect time to lay a solid foundation for life and, in a way, that phase acts as a big training level for what is to come. That seems to be the direction things are headed. Time will reveal if that will continue and how it will turn out.

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