Boundaries seem to be more important than ever. As difficult as they can be, there are hacks out there for using them effectively. Robert Cialdini includes a lot of tools to protect against unwanted influence in his book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. There are many posts on social media that include boundary statements (although some of them confuse boundaries with punishments). Upping my boundaries game has been crucial since my dog Sawyer died, particularly with those who’ve attempted to pressure me into adopting another animal or doing other things before I’m ready. Here are some things I’ve found helpful for setting and maintaining proper boundaries.
- Give yourself permission to act. At some point, I realized that much of my interactions with others involved seeking their permission, either directly or indirectly, to change the subject, get more room to talk, or end the conversation. That was followed up with the realization that I don’t need that permission from anyone other than myself. While I’m still working on this, I’ve already gotten better at limiting what I’m willing to discuss, with whom, and for how long. I’ve also gotten better at leaving an event when I’m ready to leave. It’s been so freeing to give myself permission to do all of this instead of hoping to get it from someone else.
- Minimize the interaction. Countless times, I made the mistake of continuing to interact with someone after it became clear that they had no interest in what I wanted. Since I realized the futility of this, when I find myself in a similar situation, I say “No” or “No, thanks,” move on, don’t wait for a response, and ignore them if they keep persisting after all of that. They can’t push me around if I avoid interacting with them.
- Keep the response simple. If you say “No” to a pushy person, don’t give them a reason. They can easily use any reason you give them as a foothold to control you further. This can result in a lengthy exchange that tires you out and makes you more likely to go along with them just to end the exchange. The less you say, the better.
- Take the pressure off yourself. It’s much easier to act effectively from a place of peace than from a place of stress. Take some deep breaths, relax your muscles, and, if you can, sit or lie down. After you’ve relaxed some, use a short statement that relieves even more pressure (“I’ll decide later,” “I’d rather not talk about that,” “Can you ask me over messenger? I’m ready to go home, “Because”). More often than not, you don’t owe the other person anything in an interaction, including the interaction itself. That knowledge alone can take a huge amount of pressure off of your shoulders and give you the freedom to decide how you want to interact, if at all.
- Never give a reluctant “Yes.” A rule I’ve set for myself is to never begrudgingly agree to something, no matter how trivial. If I say “No,” I’m sticking to it, regardless of how much begging, persuading, manipulating, or anything else someone does in the hope of changing my mind. Agreeing to something after being pressured into it makes it easier for it to happen again and harder to prevent it. Sticking to that hard line makes it easier the next time.
- Move at your own pace. If you’re going to interact with someone, take your time, ask clarifying questions as needed, and only answer questions you want to answer. Don’t let anyone make you give an answer that they want to hear or make you answer at their pace. I often need to take a bit to think or make space within myself before I can answer involved questions or put my thoughts into words. Sometimes others will try to hurry me along. I’ve gotten much better over the past year or so at taking whatever time I need to come up with an effective answer. This occasionally involves saying “Hang on a minute” or something else that lets them know I need time to respond. If they keep pressuring me to respond immediately, I’ll usually either double down or end the interaction.