In The Righteous Mind, Jonathan Haidt says that it’s easier for us to find errors in other people’s thinking than in our own thinking. Lately, I’ve noticed this in myself with regards to communication. I’ve learned enough about communication to usually see where the people involved in a hostile exchange went wrong and what they could have done to make it go much more smoothly. However, I have an incredibly hard time doing this when I get involved in one of those exchanges. No matter who initiates it, I almost always feel my heart start racing, my temperature rising, and my adrenaline flowing. It’s difficult for me to reign myself in and remember the important aspects of good communication that I talk about so frequently on this blog.
As with everything else in my life, I think there are ways to resolve this. For example, Haidt talks about the value of involving other people in the search for truth. Properly-run collaborative groups allow people can present their ideas to each other in the hopes of fixing as many problems in an idea or proposition as possible. Having input from many different people means that some of them will notice mistakes that others missed. So I can seek feedback from those around me as to how I can improve my communication when I’m stressed. That will probably be difficult for me to do when my emotions are running rampant but if that feedback prevents me from making a huge mess for myself, it will be well worth it.
Something else I can do is practice “stepping back” from any situation I’m in. This can be as simple as pausing to take some deep breaths before I speak. Listening to what others have to say without working on a response is also highly effective at facilitating good communication. And one technique that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is trying to see myself and my behavior from someone else’s perspective. Observing what I’m doing as if I were watching another person can help me see whether or not I’m staying true to my values. Of course, none of these approaches will work if I forget about them or refuse to use them. One way to avoid falling into that trap could be to practice these things in calm, civil situations so that they become second nature to me; that should make them easier to use in stressful, difficult situations. I’m interested to see how it goes with these things and, as always, I’ll keep you updated on whatever happens.