Preparing for Pain

For at least the past three years, spring has been a difficult season for me. Although I love the extra sunlight, cool weather alongside sunny days, and sense of freshness in spring, major changes, whether in the general world or in my own small corner of it, have given me a great deal of pain each time it’s rolled around in recent memory. This year is no exception. As such, I’ve spent much of this month prioritizing self-care.

Since last Wednesday, I’ve spent a lot more time letting go of emotional pain than I normally do. I managed to do this every day except for Saturday due to a great deal of busyness that day, including almost 6 hours of driving. Despite that gap, I still felt great for all of Saturday as well as the several days before and since. The more letting go I do and the more intentional I am with releasing old pain, the better I feel.

All of that extra letting go has got me feeling better than I have at any other time this year and close to how I felt shortly before my dog Sawyer’s death last April. Some issues I’ve written about in recent blog posts no longer bother me, it’s incredibly easy to ignore pointless drama, my actions are nearly effortless, and I’m better able to focus on the good I can do for myself and others. When I interacted with a lot of folks close to me on Saturday, I didn’t have the usual social anxiety or trouble thinking of what to do or say. Everything felt automatic, easy, and enjoyable. My voice has also been smoother, clearer, and more relaxed over the past week. Those are all the usual signs that I’m doing well emotionally. It’s good to have them back.

Some of my emotional pain may be gone for good, and the pain that remains is much easier to handle now. For the foreseeable future, I’m going to at least maintain the level of letting go and self-care I’ve recently reached. I may even increase it as the one-year anniversary of Sawyer’s death is a week away and I want to be in as good a position as possible to effectively handle whatever emotions come up at that time. If the past week is any indicator of how next week will go, then I’m in good shape.