Innocence is one of the most precious, if not the most precious, character traits there is. The ability to look wide-eyed at the world, marvel at all the grandeur of life, see the myriad untapped possibilities in everything, and treat each day as an adventure. So inspiring. So pure. So beautiful.
Unfortunately, innocence is almost exclusively present in young kids, and not even for very long. So much innocence is lost so early in life. Kids are taught from young ages about the world and all the horrible things in it while many of the wonderful things are left out. What’s worse is that they’re also taught that the horrible state of the world is just how it’s always been, always will be, and has to be (for some unexplained reason). Along with that, they’re discouraged from making positive change, labeled a dreamer, foolish, idealist, utopianist, and other insulting names for seeing the possibilities for a better world. The small amount of encouragement they get comes when they’re pushed to join all sorts of pointless causes that have never changed the world for the better but, in many cases, have made it worse. All of that keeps them from having the time, energy, or money for the actual things that can improve the world, which tend to be the things they’re naturally drawn towards.
This can easily lead to many conflicting voices in one’s head: shaming, encouraging, stifling, uplifting, discouraging, hopeful, pessimistic, etc. All of that comes from bitter, cynical people in one’s life, especially during one’s formative years (parents, siblings, other family members, teachers, neighbors; that negativity can also come later on from bosses, coworkers, romantic interests, etc). Those many negative voices cover over and trample one’s innate innocence in order to preserve the status quo. As a result, most adults no longer see any magic in life and push their negative, cynical viewpoints onto anyone and everyone around them.
This behavior is unique to humans. Animals are too innocent for the cynicism, envy, endless comparisons, and other negative qualities that have infected the human race. I’m convinced this is why animals are so wonderful and why so many humans become so attached to their pets. My dog Sawyer definitely had a sense of innocence about him his entire life. It was one of many things that made him so loving and so lovable. His death has taken a lot of my innocence. I’ve felt much more on edge and distrustful of humans since I lost him. This has gone to unprecedented levels for me over the past few weeks. Despite regularly letting go, I still feel extremely sad, angry, and suspicious of all but my closest friends and family members.
My focus at this point is on recovering as much of my lost innocence as possible. I’m spending a lot of time alone so I can focus on healing. This prevents me from pushing my pain onto anybody else and allows me to be myself instead of getting dragged around by trauma responses when I do interact with somebody. I’ve also been enjoying lots of things I once did as a kid, from ice cream to songs to videos covering some of my favorite childhood TV shows. Inner child work that I learned from Homecoming has also been extremely helpful and pleasant. Lastly, I hope that fondly remembering my life with Sawyer as well as practicing the many lessons he taught me helps me recover the peace and innocence that left me when he did.
I long for quiet company, quality time with animals, watching a sunset in silence, going on nice walks, and other simple pleasures in life. I strive to be pure in my motives, be genuine with myself and others, see the good in everybody, and give everybody the benefit of the doubt until they show me they’re untrustworthy. Perhaps most importantly, I want to give myself all the love, affirming words, support, and comfort I needed as a kid. I’m not fully there with any of that but I’m getting closer. Getting here has been an extremely gradual process. I still feel extremely vulnerable and I trust almost nobody right now. Fortunately, the few personal interactions I’ve had lately have been positive and were either energizing or at least not draining. Doing extra letting go sessions this week has also made me feel much better. If I keep this up, I’m certain that I’ll soon be back to my usual self and, eventually, to my best self. My innocent, childlike self.