In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey advocates pursuing Win/Win solutions. These are solutions in which everyone involved “seeks mutual benefit” and everyone walks away feeling satisfied at the outcome. Covey values Win/Win solutions above solutions in which one or more people leave feeling worse off; these alternatives include Win/Lose, Lose/Win, and Lose/Lose.
One reason I think that arguing is largely a waste of time is because most arguments I’ve seen and participated in focus on Win/Lose or Lose/Win rather than Win/Win. When I used to argue, I focused on trying to “win” by doing my best to make someone else see things my way, which required them to “lose”. The more they resisted, the harder I pushed until one of us gave up and moved on. Looking back on those arguments, it appears that everyone involved lost because nobody learned anything, tried to see things from another person’s perspective, or walked away feeling better at the end than they felt at the beginning. We also ignored any common ground we had and focused solely on our disagreements.
In contrast, I’ve found conversations to be incredibly valuable in many ways. Some of my best conversations have been with people with whom I largely disagreed. A few close friends of mine, for as long as I’ve known them, have been great at listening to other perspectives with an open mind and then having civil discussions about a wide range of subjects. We often try to make sure our positions are logically coherent and sensible by asking for feedback, looking for weak points, asking a lot of questions, etc. Sometimes we even try to find solutions that would let us both get what we want; such solutions often require creative thinking and a willingness to consider a lot of different possibilities. At the very least, we don’t let our different perspectives foster any hostility between ourselves.
I think pursuing Win/Win solutions could make a world of difference in discussions. I think that would do a great deal to turn hostile exchanges into civil conversations and bring about positive change in the world. Although I used to spend a lot of time trying to win arguments, I’d much focus on solving problems at this point. That’s a much better use of my time and it makes me feel a lot better about myself and other people. I’m glad I started thinking in terms of Win/Win and I hope more people do the same.