I used to argue at the drop of a hat. Didn’t matter the subject or who was involved; I’d argue with anyone over anything at just about any time. I’m not completely out of the woods yet, but my desire to “win” arguments or even engage in them has been reduced to almost nothing. It’s all too easy to think that there are two “sides” to an issue and that if someone isn’t on one “side”, they’re automatically on the other. This serves no purpose other than to further divide people and convince them even more that they’re “right” and everyone who disagrees with them is “wrong”. At this point, I much prefer discussions or conversations, and when I participate in a good one, I try to point out the areas of agreement between myself and the other participants. I usually forget to do that but whenever I remember it, it tends to make the exchange go more smoothly.
It’s amazing to genuinely listen to someone and have an honest conversation with them. I value these sorts of exchanges tremendously and actively seek them out. I think they’re vital for connecting with other people and for working toward solutions to the problems we all face. Sometimes I’m correct in a conversation and sometimes I’m incorrect, but the best conversations always leave me better off at the end than I was at the beginning.
My views are becoming more nuanced and complex as I learn more, talk to more people, and find out how little I truly know. It’s easy to talk in catchphrases and make complex things appear far simpler than they actually are; it’s difficult to humble myself and admit when I don’t know something or find that something is more complicated than I had previously thought. More than ever before, I’m trying to take a page from the Book of James and “be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” and keep in mind that I can learn something from just about anyone I talk to. This excerpt from a great post on Medium explains it well:
“As any debate club veteran knows, if you can’t make your opponent’s point for them, you don’t truly grasp the issue. We can bemoan political gridlock and a divisive media all we want. But we won’t truly progress as individuals until we make an honest effort to understand those that are not like us. And you won’t convince anyone to feel the way you do if you don’t respect their position and opinions.”
The realization that I don’t have to argue with anyone has been incredibly freeing for me. I’ve always loved in-depth, meaningful discussions and probably always will, but I now see that trying to prove that I’m right or convince someone else to abandon their position in favor of mine created a lot of toxicity in me. Letting go of that has made my life a lot more peaceful and a lot better overall. The difficult (and incredibly rewarding) task is to be open to new information, assume the best of everyone I talk to unless they give me a reason to do otherwise, focus on common ground, and strive to get as close to the truth as possible. It’s a daily struggle that gets a little easier every day.