A lot of hostile exchanges originate from misunderstandings. When a misunderstanding occurs, there is an opportunity to ask for clarification, which can be done simply by asking “What do you mean?” in a calm, sincere fashion. If this opportunity is seized, it can get everyone on the same page, foster goodwill between all participants, and allow the conversation to continue without a hitch. However, if someone avoids asking for clarification and instead makes assumptions about what someone else said or the way they think, the whole exchange can quickly go off the rails. I’ve seen this happen a lot, especially in conversations about sensitive subjects where emotions tend to run high and it’s easy to speak before thinking.
I’ve found it helpful to avoid conversations that can easily turn into altercations and serve little to no good purpose even if they remain civil. That makes me less likely to say or do something I’ll regret later and gives me more time to focus on beneficial conversations. If I notice a conversation is starting to get tense, I’ll try to release some of that tension via one or more methods. Making the people around me laugh, distracting or surprising them with something unexpected, pausing for several seconds (sometimes longer), and changing the subject all work well if I do them in time. Disrupting everyone’s OODA loop, which each of the methods in the previous sentence can do, often diffuses confrontational situations and allows everyone involved to relax. This makes it much easier to get the conversation back on track or end it on a good note if it’s run its course.
As much as I talk about this stuff and encourage other people to do it, I don’t always follow my own advice. Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me and then I’ll start doing things that I know I should avoid. This always produces negative results and makes me wish I hadn’t done it, although that feeling probably makes me less likely to fall into that trap the next time it presents itself. Whenever I stop, take a breath, and ask for clarification, it always makes the conversation go more smoothly. This can turn a hostile exchange into a more civil one, or even prevent it from becoming hostile in the first place. I’d rather someone ask me to explain my perspective instead of making assumptions about the way I think, so I try to do the same for others whenever I can. And that can make all the difference.